


Doctor's visit....

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, BDSM, Established Relationship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-09-14
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:40:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 177,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: What would happen if Sam actually got Dean to a counselor with him? PUDDING!!! No not that! But a walk through their lives through the eyes of a counselor who deals with the mundane however, must come to accept the supernatural.Just a short note. This series is winding up for the close unless I can figure a plotbunny to work around.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

“Would you care to explain just what the fuck we’re doing here?” Dean asked in a low voice.

 

“Entertaining me.” Sam responded looking back at him with sarcasm. “I…Dean, I’m tired.”

 

There was a lull for a long moment and then Dean started to say something then the door opened to the office and the person inside called their names. 

 

Dean got up slinking into the office while Sam stood proudly if dejectedly as they went in.

 

“I’m Dr. Carriggan and I’ll be your therapist. So why don’t we get to it then?” Julian Carriggan said seating himself across from the. “Sam you indicated in the telephone interview that you’ve reached an impasse with your brother and you don’t know what to do any more. Is that correct?” 

 

“Yeah.” Sam admitted looking at his hands bewildered.

 

“Do you want to tell Dean why you feel this way?” Dr. Carriggan asked.

 

“What would it matter? I’ve tried telling him dozens of times; it’s like what I say regarding feelings get’s shrugged off.” Sam said miserably.

 

“Sam, you know I’m not a touchy, feely type of guy. You’ve known that for years.” Dean admitted.

 

“Well perhaps I would like to hear a little touchy, feely now and then. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but just every now and then, is that too much to ask?” Sam responded angrily.

 

“Good, good, now we’re getting somewhere. Sam you’re angry because Dean is reluctant to admit to or relate to you in a more intimate manner. What about you Dean? How do you feel about the way that Sam relates to you?”

 

Dean looked directly at the doctor. “I can deal with it, I know I don’t respond in an Oprah way, I keep telling him that’s just not me but he can’t seem to relate to that.”

 

“Even though he wants a minor compromise?” The doctor continued. Then he took a breath, “Ok let’s explore for a moment why you have this fear.”

 

“I’m not afraid.” Dean said adamantly.

 

“And I’m Johnny Carson.” Sam retorted.

 

“Please Sam,” Dr. Carriggan interjected. “Give him a chance to speak.”

 

Then he looked at them a moment. And nodded walking over to an apartment sized refrigerator and opening the door revealed an assortment of beverages, he reached in and pulled out a beer and offered it to Dean.

 

“Thanks Doc.” He said with that twisted grin of his. “This is a first.”

 

“One of many I hope.” The doctor said looking at Sam and touching a bottle of water received a nod; he pulled out a bottle of water and an alcohol free beer and sat down across from them again. He looked at Dean. “You seem to have some antipathy towards your brother’s actions. Care to share with me, the why?”

 

“It’s because we’re brothers.” Dean said shifting nervously. “I mean what we are doing is illegal in a group of states.”

 

“So your relationship with your brother is not only fraternal but sexual?” The doctor asked.

 

“You mean he didn’t tell you?” Dean said aghast for a moment.

 

“You just did. How do you feel about that?” The doctor asked again.

 

“Fucked in the head a bit. I mean I’m the big brother, I’m supposed to watch out and take care of him. But here I am going to bed with him.” Dean admitted angrily.

 

“So you have a problem relating sexually?” 

 

“No not that.” Dean responded confused.

 

“Oh then you mean the sex is good, you just feel guilty in a way?” Carriggan voiced.

 

Dean shifted again and looked down at his beer a moment and then took a long pull on it.

 

“Tell me about your childhood.” Carriggan prompted.

 

“It was screwed up. We were always moving never really settling.” Dean admitted.

 

“That must’ve been unsettling.” 

 

“It just meant that we didn’t have much time to form relationships with people where we were at.” Dean said quietly.

 

“So you formed a relationship with each other?” The doctor asked.

 

“NO! Well not at first, I was lucky, I was 16 looked 18 and for some reason could grab a chick wherever we were at bang her and go on.” Dean said.

 

“What about you Sam, you were a minor in all this, how did it make you feel?” The therapist asked.

 

“Like I was an outsider looking in. I wanted to have the ability to seduce someone at the drop of a hat. And was successful a few times.”

 

“We’re your dates all heterosexual in nature?” 

 

“No, I was gay from the start. I knew that I was more interested in boys than girls. But at the same time I had to hide that. It was easy to start with because I would meet up with boys who were in the same boat and we’d go away from the house on the pretense of playing war games or something and end up playing with each other alone.”

 

“Did you know about this Dean?” Carriggan asked him.

 

Dean shook his head in slight wonder. “No that was a part of his growing up he kept secret. So every time you and whoever were going down to the river or over to the abandoned factory to do your war games you were actually…you know…”

 

“Fooling around, fucking, sucking, jerking off.” Sam said miserably. “Dean I started this when I was 13.”

 

Dean looked now as it he’d just slapped in the face with a 2x4. He sat there for a minute digesting this.

 

“How was your relationship with your father?” The doctor asked.

 

“Sporadic. Distant. He was our dad but he was like only there occasionally then he was off again.” Dean admitted to which Sam nodded agreement.

 

“He abandoned you?” The doctor asked concerned.

 

“No, it was just the nature of his work would sometimes cause us to be on our own for a few days.” Dean said.

 

“So Sam, when did your opinion of your brother turn sexual?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I was 15, he thought I was asleep in our bedroom, and he was banging some chick in the living room, I saw the whole thing and well,” Sam started to flush a bit. “It was the first time I’d seen my brother naked with a hard on.”

 

“I suppose that you two had the opportunity to see each other in various stages of dressing.” The doctor observed.

 

“Yeah that wasn’t a problem. Seeing him like that made me get hard and come in two strokes.” Sam admitted blushing.

 

“But you’ve always been the more sensitive observer?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I guess you could say that, yeah.” Sam admitted.

 

“And Dean, you’ve been basically pragmatic all your times at sex were just mechanical actions?” The doctor asked frankly.

 

“NO! NO! Not all the times...I mean with me and Sam would fool around it would be something special.” Dean admitted this time.

 

“Special how?” The doctor asked confounding Dean who was starting to flush under the questioning.

 

“Doc, I gotta tell you I’m really uncomfortable with this.” Dean said. “With Sam … we connected differently. I’ve never felt that way in any other relationship I’ve been in.”

 

“Good and you can’t tell him this? Why?” Carriggan said, “Is it because of your past?”

 

“I guess, yeah, part of it is. I mean Dad taught me at least from the get go, you never let anyone see how you really feel. You keep your emotions hidden otherwise you can be attacked.” Dean said.

 

The doctor looked at him appraisingly for a moment then turned his attention to Sam his eyes not revealing what he was sensing.

 

“You feel the same way?” Carriggan asked.

 

“No. I always felt that your feelings were windows to your soul. I shut him out of my own life for a year and now that my own baggage is cleared up I want to understand what he feels.” Sam said looking away for a moment.

 

“Sam you never told me about that. I just figured that all that time when you were, you know different, that you were finally picking up what I was laying down.” 

 

Sam grew beet red in the face and whirled on Dean, gripping the arms of his chair until his knuckles were white. “What I was picking up, I’m not sure, I spent that year not feeling a damn thing because I couldn’t, then suddenly I’m able to start feeling again and I want so much more. Is that too much to ask!?” Sam said thundering, tears springing to his eyes.

 

“You… I mean, we…Sam I don’t know how to respond!” Dean finally said helplessly. “I’m too much like Dad.” 

 

Sam sat back wearily wiping angrily at his face, and then grabbing an offered tissue from the doctors box on his desk. “You know I have always worn my heart on my sleeve up until this past year. I thought I was going to die when I got to feeling again. And now all I want…”

 

“You want me to tell you how I feel?” Dean supplied.

 

Dr. Carriggan held up his hand a moment. “You keep referring to this past year and that he couldn’t respond to you. Can you elaborate on that?”

 

“No, because I don’t understand it all myself.” Dean admitted.

 

“Ok we can go with that. So Dean, Sam is expressing he wants to feel appreciated, can you do that?” 

 

“I don’t know!” Dean responded helplessly. “You’re asking me to do something totally…I mean…I can’t…”

 

“You’re an emotional virgin.” The doctor supplied.

 

Dean looked shocked for a moment and then nodded. “I guess you could say that.” Dean said.

 

“Would you be willing…?” The doctor started but Sam interrupted.

 

“Let me guide you…please.” Sam begged.

 

Dean looked away now and pinching the bridge of his nose a moment, then looked back at Sam his vision clouded for a moment.

 

“Sammy…I don’t know how!” He said helplessly.

 

“Then let me take on some of the big brother job for a while and teach you.” 

 

“Sam this is getting really flicky.” Dean warned.

 

“So let it. Chick flicks aren’t a bad thing.”

 

“They’re not me.” Dean said hard.

 

“Then meet me in the middle.” Sam said.

 

Dr. Carriggan looked at them…”A compromise is being asked Dean, can you at least do that.” 

 

“I can try…” He said hesitatingly.

 

“Are you willing to approach the idea listening to each other?” The doctor said.

 

“Sam…Sammy…a tear tracked down Dean’s cheek. 

 

“Dean, I’m not looking for an embracing, Gone with the Wind moment,” He said reached out a hand. “Just tell me that you’ll at least give it a try, that you’ll give me a try.” Sam looked at Dean, his own eyes brimming. 

 

“Sammy, I’m sorry.” He said reaching out as well and taking his hand. 

 

“Just meet me half-way.” He asked.

 

The doctor stood then grinning. “This is a promising start, Dean; we have another session in two weeks, same time. Between now and then I want you to try an experiment.”

 

“Yeah?” Dean said cautiously.

 

“You know what Sam expects from a relationship or rather what he wants?”

 

“Yeah, I do.” Dean said his caution growing.

 

“Go on a date you two. Dean, try treating him the way he asks. Experiment with your feelings. Get in touch with one another again. Can you do that?” Carriggan asked. Dean and Sam stood then and looked at each other. Dean looked at Sam a long moment. The doctor grinned slightly. “I know what you probably want to do and it’s completely appropriate in a situation like this.” The doctor said and Sam as if being an arrow in a bow was released and he grabbed Dean in a rough hug to start, then he pulled back and tenderly stroked his cheeks and finally kissed him. Dean melted into the kiss gratefully and strangely at ease. When they broke Dean realized that the doctor was standing there watching them and he blushed furiously.

 

“Dean, it’s okay to be romantically emotional now and then.” The doctor advised. Then, “Dean kiss him as if he were one of your female dates you’ve had in the past.”

 

Dean flushed, but turned to Sam embracing him and then seeming to flow with the moment kissed him long and slow, his tongue exploring but not pillaging Sam’s mouth, they were evenly matched for the moment and when they broke it was both of them gasping for breath. 

 

“Was that so bad?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Maybe not…” Dean admitted and they left with Dean leading the way proudly with Sam at his side. Dr. Carriggan had one hand on his door about to open it when he turned to them. “A date, not a rushed affair, but a date.”

 

“Okay doc.” Dean admitted hoarsely.

 

The doctor opened the door and they left with Dean looking up to his brother with a strange light in his eyes. The doctor knew that this one would be a success with some work.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean drummed his fingers on his leg as he sat with Sam waiting their turn. The chairs were comfortable enough, it was just that Dean felt the trips were useless. He didn’t understand Sam’s need to go through with this.

 

“Dean, Sam, if you will follow me.” The receptionist said as she finished a call. They walked down the hallway past the door they entered on a previous visit and got into a comfy looking office with an overstuffed couch and three arm chairs. 

 

Not understanding the play Sam pulled Dean over to the couch and sat down. There was some palpable tension that Dean tried to control.

 

In a moment the door opened admitting Dr. Carriggan. He looked at the couple and smiled. He walked over easily to the refrigerator in the room and took out a beer for Dean.

 

“Make that two please.” Sam asked as the doc frowned slightly and did as asked. He then served Sam and Dean and then taking a soda for himself sat down. He looked at them for a moment then started his session with a comment.

 

“So Sam, what are you upset about?” Carriggan asked quietly.

 

“I’m not.” Sam lied.

 

“You know I can’t help you as long as you continue to delude yourself.” Carriggan noted.

 

“I had a moment that was unusual.” Sam said vaguely.

 

“What was unusual about it?” He asked looking at both of them in turn.

 

Sam took a deep breath and looked at the doctor, “For you to understand that I’d have to explain some things.”

 

“Sam, you can talk freely, I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to listen.” 

 

So Sam spent the next several minutes telling the doctor of his trip to hell plus his return and the eventual resouling. Carriggan said listening and not responding except in polite pauses and nods. When he finished Sam looked at the doctor and half-smiled.

 

“See I told you I was nuttier than a fruitcake.” Sam responded.

 

“That’s not nuts at all, it’s something you strongly believe, it’s something that happened to you and for you. It’s something that I’m not so sure that even someone as emotionally strong as you could survive.”

 

Dean and Sam sighed, they were certain the doc was going to recommend him to a psychiatric hospital. 

 

“I’m surviving because of a wall that the Angel of Death put in place.”

 

“Why do you think you went to this place, this hell?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Doc, before you go much further let me tell you a story…” And Dean jumped in telling him of how his trip to hell was arranged. Then he stood and stripped off his tee shirt and showed off the handprints. He permitted the doctor to do an up close analysis of them then the doctor sat down his face unsmiling and his tone serious.

 

“Normally I would request that you consent to being admitted to a private facility for treatment but this is out of my depth.” He admitted.

 

“Why do you say that?” Dean asked.

 

The doctor looked at Dean casually but frankly. “Normally I would cry bullshit, that those handprints were tattoos. However, on close examination I can see the swirls and whorls which make up finger prints. A tattoo parlour, unless they are SUPER good cannot duplicate that.” The doctor paused a moment and then looked at them again. “So I’m going to assume everything you’ve told me is fact, that this did happen. What’s the problem that you’re befuddled with?” 

 

“We’re stuck.” Dean said looking uncomfortable.

 

“How are you stuck?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Our…uh well…it’s like this doc…” Sam tried.

 

“What he’s trying to say is that we’re stuck in a rut and need some help getting out.” Dean supplied. 

 

“What kind of rut are you stuck in?” The doctor pressed wanting to hear it said.

 

Sam lowered his head, “There are times I can’t uh…well, it’s a case of…”

 

“Erectile dysfunction?” Carriggan asked and for a brief moment there was a shock that registered on Sam’s face then a relaxed look as he nodded. “It alright to talk about it. I know it‘s a difficult subject to approach. Most guys would rather be caught out in something serious instead of this.”

 

“Doc this is serious. I mean there are times when I think about what I went through and we used to use sex to get through it, but Sam was soulless for a year, I was fucking someone who really didn’t give a shit. All Sam was there for was to take care of a physical need. He was someone to get off with. But then it started to eat at me that I was fucking something like one of those blowup dolls. It got the job done but there was something missing.” Dean said pointedly.

 

“What’s happened to change you?” Carriggan asked Sam.

 

Sam fidgeted a bit then looked at Dean for a moment. “I remember some of the stuff I went through in the past year and I remember what sex was like. It was a chore to be done and over with as soon as possible. That was the way I saw it then.”

 

“So that explains why you took the couch but put some space between you two. Are you having much sex now?” The doc asked.

 

Dean was the fidgeter now. “Some…” He admitted.

“Yeah some.” Sam agreed.

 

“But not like you used to.” Carriggan said as a statement rather than a question.

 

“Nowhere near to what we use to.” Dean said somewhat sadly.

 

“Sam did you get to the point in that year where you felt you were being used?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Sometimes yeah.” Sam started.

 

“Why didn’t you say something!?” Dean blatted.

 

“Well what was I supposed to say. “Hey Dean I may not get the act but the actions good.” Or worse, “not tonight dear, I have a headache.”” Sam returned

 

Dean was sitting with his arms as his side, his hands in his lap, now his arm was thrown up on the back of the sofa. 

 

“You were supposed to be up front with me. If you didn’t wanna, you should’ve said so.”

 

“I couldn’t Dean, you never gave me a chance.” Sam said miserably.

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean said his voice low and somewhat seriously flat. “You saying that I fucked you against your will.”

 

“That’s just it Dean, I had no will, no feelings, I was just an animated thing. Something that you poked the right buttons and got a response from.” Sam said near tears.

 

“Sam, do you feel like you were raped?” Carriggan asked in a low, seriously sad tone.

 

“In a way yeah.”

 

“Quit putting words in his mouth.” Dean said whirling on the doctor.

 

“Dean listen to Sam, he’s telling you some very important.” Carriggan told him.

 

“Dean in a way I did feel like the act was just that. It was an act, something to do and be done with.” A single tear spilled over and traced a line down his cheek to his jaw to cling there a moment.

 

“Sammy you should’ve said something. I mean, you should’ve stopped me.” Dean said sad now.

 

“How could I, we’d come in from a hunt and you’d be primed and ready to go. You’d still be running off adrenaline and you would take me.” 

 

“So you’re say that your not being able to get it up is my fault?” Dean asked angry now.

 

“NO! It’s my bodies fault because now I do remember some things and I remember those times and when I do it just shuts me down.” Sam said sadly.

“What is it about those times that cause you to shut down?” Carriggan prompted.

 

“I remember how we used to fuck, and it was a dry, senseless action.” Sam said quietly.

 

“Did you go on that date like I suggested?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Sure, we went Saturday night. Dean and I got dressed up and went out to an Olive Garden, we got drinks in the bar for a while then had the hostess set us up a table. We took it slow and quiet. And yeah, I was very uncomfortable, I’m used to fast food, not sit down restaurant type eating, but hell I wanted it perfect. We ate, then took a walk by the river for a bit, finding a secluded spot we stepped off the path and into the grass and made out like teenagers again. We were so ready, so we kept that feeling going while we walked joking with each other but stopping now and then for a hug and kiss. We finally got back to our rooms and it fell apart. Sam just couldn’t perform.”

 

“Where are you two living now?” Carriggan asked.

 

“A little efficiency place on Broad and 3rd.” Dean said.

 

“Can you afford better right now?” He asked.

 

“Sure, I gave up about an hour and half of getting in so I went to the nearest bar and hustled some pool tables, made a good bit of scatch.” Dean admitted.

 

“Go on another date, forget about what happened, forget about going out, but this time either get you some rooms that are a step up from what you’re used to or get a hotel room for the night in a nice place.”

 

“We can do this. But…”

 

“This time Dean, no buts. The dwelling is what was the key that brought you down. This efficiency, it’s enough to get you by isn’t it?”

 

“sure.” Sam said in a small voice.

 

“It’s not really romantic is it.” Carriggan asked.

 

“It’s in a kind of noisy part of town.” Sam said.

 

“So get out of that efficiency, get another one but in a nicer section of town. Or get a motel room for the night. Are you willing to try that?” 

 

Dean lowered his arm on the couch to Sam’s shoulders.

 

“Sure.” Sam said.

“Yeah.” Dean chimed in.

 

“Good, that would be a good start. Now for a more sensitive issue. How has your sex life been, I mean really been. Give me sort of a history?”

 

“Wait a minute doc. You realize where we are going?” Dean started.

 

“Nowhere we haven’t talked about already.”

 

“And you’re cool with incest?” Sam asked agape.

 

“There’s a reason I should be opposed to a healthy sex life?” The doctor asked.

 

“No, but I mean most people would be like down on us like white on rice.” Dean said.

 

“Do I impress you as most people?” 

 

“No…still.” Sam said.

 

“Look, as long as it is between two consenting adults, who actually love one another, I’ve no problems with it. What I have a problem with is when it’s between a legal aged and a minor. So you see if you’d seen me as a teens, I would be counseling you totally differently. DO you love each other.”

 

Dean pulled Sam close.

 

“Tell him.” Carriggan prompted. 

 

“I love you Dean, I know you’re uncomfortable with talk like that but I love you. Intensely. I’m proud to be your Sammy, and only yours.” Sam said with pride.

 

“Sammy, You know how I hate this stuff, it’s always made me uncomfortable, I don’t know why, Dad probably. But I do love you too, more than being my baby brother. More than being part of the family. Sam…” Dean ducked his head, “I love you more than life.”

 

They were looked at each other intensely now, then they did the most natural thing and kissed. Not a proprietory peck, but a deep, long, kiss that lasted for over a minute. When they broke they were gasping for air, foreheads leaning against each other. 

 

“Are you both ready to give this a shot?” Carriggan asked. 

 

They stood together. And then looked at the doctor who waved their thanks away. “Just go and enjoy the day. Do little things and big. Don’t concentrate on what you have to do but what you want to do.” 

 

“Okay doc.” Dean said staring deep into Sam’s hazel eyes. They kissed again and walked over to the door hand in each again. 

 

“Oh and don’t let the town fool you, they are more homofriendly people around here than homophobics.” The doctor said as they left his office.

 

“You ready to give this a shot?” Dean asked.

 

“More than ever.” Sam responded.


	3. Chapter 3

They were back in the office with the comfy sofa and the arm chair. More like a library or what the Victorians called a Smoking room than a doctor’s office. Dr. Carriggan was waiting on them with a notepad close by his hand on a small side table. He watched as they entered the office and was somewhat pleased and surprised that they seemed to be more relaxed with each other and more at ease. 

 

“Did you go on the date I recommended?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah we did.” Dean said with a ghost of a smile.

 

“Yeah…we did the whole thing. Got dressed up, went to a NICE restaurant, then went to a club, didn’t get drunk, just happy. Danced for a while then came back to what is home for right now and had some magnificent sex.

 

Dean was sitting over to his side blushing furiously.

 

Dr. Carriggan made a mental note and asked. “You say you came back to what is home for right now. Meaning home is unstable?”

 

“We’re somewhat transient, so home is where we sleep at night. It could be the car or a motel. Right now it’s a rental house we got since we’re taking some time off trying to get this thing worked out.” Dean told him.

 

“What is it about your lives that make you transient?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Meaning what is our job?” Dean responded. “That’s not part of the situation.”

 

“How do you know, it could very well be the core of your situation.” Carriggan said.

 

Sam sighed, “It sounds crazy I know, but we’re … paranormal investigators. We litereally investigate the Supernatural and take care of problems where they arise.”

 

“Is that a lucrative profession?” The doctor asked.

 

“We do pretty well at it. Some jobs we make quite a chunk on some we don’t.” Dean supplied.

 

“Have you ever thought that the instability of your working life could contribute to the stress?” Carriggan said.

 

“It’s come up once or twice.” Sam replied.

 

“Have you always done this?” Carriggan questioned.

 

“I was raised in it, so was Sam, at least until he was 18 then he went to college for 3 years.” Dean said.

 

“Did you like the stability of college life?” Carriggan asked Sam.

 

“It was cool, I always knew where I was coming home to every night, and was familiar with my surroundings.” Sam supplied.

 

“Now you back investigating again and your life is unstable, your housing situation is unstable. I get the notion that you, Sam, like stability, the comfort of a regular home and the routine of daily life. While you Dean, are comfortable on the road and basically saying home is where you hang your hat. I believe that I’m being fair in that assessment, don’t you?” The doctor said.

 

“Well yeah, yeah, I guess we are like that.” Dean admitted looking at Sam with a hunted expression.

 

“But Sam, you don’t want to leave do you?” 

 

“No, of course not, I love Dean. He’s my big brother, my…well…” Sam stammered then looked at Dean , “I’m sorry but it’s girly to say but true, Dean, you’re stability in my life.”

 

Dean blew out a breath, ”Good I was afraid you were going to say ‘I was your everything’.”

 

Sam smiled, “Actually I was but I changed it at the last second to something that said how I feel without being too mushy.”

 

“You like mush, don’t you Sam?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Well sometimes, yeah.” Sam replied.

 

“Sometimes, why do you think I’m kidding with you when I call you Samantha?” Dean blurted.

 

“Would you have him different?” Carriggan asked Dean point blank.

 

Dean stopped for a moment eyeing the doctor and then looking away for a minute and still looking away mumbled, “no”.

 

“Excuse me Dean, I didn’t catch that.” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean turned around and face the doctor, “Not really, I actually kind of like that. It makes me keep my own guard up.”

 

“It secures your masculinity.” Carriggan supplied.

 

“Well I’ve always been secure in that.” Dean shot.

 

“Have you? Really? On your date night did you do anything that would normally be against your personal opinion of masculinity?” The doctor asked.

 

“Yeah, I, uh, well I bought him a red rose.” Dean mumbled. 

 

“Are you less of a man because of that?” The doctor asked.

 

Dean thought for a moment and then shook his head. “Not really, I feel about the same just…well…”

“Shy?” Sam said looking at him out of the corner of his eyes.

 

Dean caught the looked and smiled. “I still getting used to being romantic. I’m just not cut that way.” 

 

“But did it make you feel threatened to act that way for one night?” The doctor asked.

 

Dean shook his head, “Actually, it felt good. Felt like I was finally letting go of something.” 

 

The doctor nodded and looked at them, “Dean, you have to keep an “I’m in control” face on while you’re working otherwise you feel you can’t do your job. Sam, you’re the one who is thinking two steps ahead. Dean I think it would help you to take off that mask occasionally and let the thoughtful side of you show, Sam I think it would do you a world of good to be more in control.”

 

“That’s it?” Dean asked sharply, “We’re cured?” He said.

 

“Dean!” Sam said taking the lead, Dean looked at him a moment and backed down.

 

“No you’re not cured, what you have is a work in progress. What I have in mind for you two, would take more time here than I feel you want to give up. But what I can seriously suggest is that you do what I said.” Carriggan paused and looked carefully at Dean, “Be strong and assertive when you’ve got to be, not all the time, give some of that control over to Sam. Sam, accept the role of the leader now and then and be more assertive.” Then he stood. “Our time is up for this session, how much longer are you going to be around?” Carriggan asked.

 

“If we can land a gig close by I see us being here at least another month maybe.” Dean said.

 

Sam nodded. “I’ll get on the computer…”

 

“You both get on the computer. Start sharing the load Sam, start involving Dean in what you do. Dean start getting involved and understanding of Sam’s life.” Carriggan suggested.

 

“Okay, WE’LL get on the computer when we get back to the house and try to line up something close by.” Dean said nodding to Sam and putting an arm around his waist without being prompted something which the doctor smile inwardly at and was glad to see and something that Sam was proud that Dean was doing.

 

“One quick question before you go.” Carriggan looked at Sam then at Dean with his hand on the doorknob. “Sam are you ashamed of the relationship you share?”

 

“NO!” Came his quick assertive response.

 

“What about you Dean are you ashamed of it?”

 

“NO! I like what we got, I just want better.” Dean said.

 

“Then show each other what you want and don’t be afraid of what the public thinks. You two deserve each other without critique.” Carriggan said with a smile. 

 

Sam and Dean walked out of the office standing a bit straighter yet. “By the way,” Carriggan called down the hall, “Check with my receptionist, I expect you two back in here next week.”

 

“Gotcha.” Dean called back then looked at Sam in the hallway.

 

Sam looked at Dean, “You want to really do what he says?” 

 

“Sure Sammy, I want us to work more as a team and as brothers…and lovers.” Dean said.

 

Sam pulled him into a long hug and kiss in the hallway. Dean strangely exposed in public didn’t flinch for a change but melted into the kiss.

 

It was a start.


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: No sexual abuse is implied in this chapter...

* * *

“Come on we’re gonna be late.” Sam called.

 

“Shit, I’ll be late to my own funeral.” Dean called back coming through running his fingers through wet hair. 

 

“I don’t know why I let you talk me into this.”

 

“What now?” Sam asked sullenly.

 

“I’d rather use gel.”

 

“Makes it hell to run fingers through.” Sam replied with a grin.

 

It was a half hour drive to the doctor’s office but they made it only five minutes late. The nurse told them that was fine that he was running a bit over on his last patient anyway.

 

“So…?” Dean asked in a hushed tone to Sam.

 

What?” Sam returned.

 

“What are we talking about this week?” Dean asked archedly.

 

“Sam, Dean, come with me please.” The nurse said from the doorway. She led them back through the corridor to the office with the comfy couch. They sat down on the leather, knees and thighs touching.

 

“I could so make it with you on this couch.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“Wanna try for a quickie?” Sam said arching his eyebrow. 

 

Just then the door opened and the doctor walked in and saw them, the way they were sitting, and the blush they both seemed to have for the moment.

 

“Should I come back later?” Carriggan asked entering.

 

Dean cleared his throat nervously. “Just talking.”

 

“Something about leather isn’t there, Dean?” Carriggan said.

 

“It’s nice.” Dean commented.

 

“So you two look happy. How are things going?” He asked sitting down in one of the overstuffed armchairs.

 

“Not bad, we got a job in Hanover, 25 miles gone, and we found a place here to rent cheaply for us.”

 

“How do you like it?”

 

“The house?” Dean asked.

 

“No, being semi-sort of –settled?” Dr. Carriggan asked.

 

“It’s good, the house is clean enough for us. A step up from the motels we usually get into. This job is paying well and we’re going to be here a bit longer than anticipated.” Sam offered.

 

“Good, which means we’ll see each other a few more times at least.” Carriggan noted. “How’s life at home?”

 

“We come in tired, we eat, shower, then crash, we have days off on weekends so we catch up on sleep and other things.” Dean said with a slight flush.

 

“You’re not having sex through the week?” The doctor asked concerned.

 

“We get in a quickie now and then. Sometimes a bit of grab ass before we have to be into work.” Dean commented.

 

“How does that feel to you?” He asked Sam.

 

“It works, I know we can’t go full bore like we’re use to, but I know why we’re not and…” Sam shrugged. “We make up for it on weekends.”

 

“Trying anything new?” The doctor asked.

 

“No” Dean said quickly as Sam said “Yeah” in the same breath. Dean gave his brother a scathing look. “We agreed…”

 

“We didn’t agree to lie.” Sam said looking at Dean levelly.

 

“We went toy shopping. We both have a sort of bondage kink as well as a little pain with our pleasure.” Sam said blushing.

 

“Sam, Dean, first off let me tell you straight up. I have couples come through my offices with bondage, pain, chain, diaper, and other assorted kinks, nothing you say can surprise me, so talk to me, don’t try to talk around me.” The doctor advised.

 

“Okay, I like to be tied up.” Dean admitted.

 

“And I get off on spanking or flogging.” Sam admitted.

 

“Is this a recent kink for you?” The doc asked.

 

“Nah, we used to tie each other up as kids to see how long it would take for us to get loose. Then we started adding some play to it. The bondage became fun.

 

“What about the spanking and the pain infliction? Where does that come from?” Dr. Carriggan asked. 

 

“A few things you gotta understand Doc, we grew up in a life that was like a gypsy, we’d be one place for a month or two then on the road again, we never had a stable home. Dad raised us, raised Dean and Dean raised me.” Sam commented. “But dad was also a widower, mom died in a house fire. He tried to save her but failed. He managed to save me from the nursery going up in flames, I was about a year old. After that there would be times when he’d get real depressed. He’d saved up some money and living cheap he would buy a bottle of the local stuff, or some cheap whisky and get drunk. When he got drunk he got mean sometimes. Not all the time.” Sam said defensively.

 

“All the time.” Dean chimed in.

 

“He did not.” Sam drawled.

 

“Sammy, I’m older, I got 4 years on you, I know what he was like, I was the one who had to hide you when he would get on a bender.” 

 

Dr. Carriggan nodded, “So your dad would spank you?” 

 

Sam looked down tense, Dean stared holes through the doctor, “He’d beat me, he left Sammy alone until he was older, then one day while we were in the kitchen I did something wrong, dad let me have it with the back of his hand throwing me against the stove. Next thing I know Dad’s on the floor gripping his knee and fending off blows from Sam who was 4 at the time but what whaling on dad with an aluminum skillet. Two days later Sammy got a spanking. He always got spankings. Up until…” Dean stopped. 

 

“Sam got too big to spank?” The doctor supplied.

 

“That, and the fact that Sammy came while he was getting spanked.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“I don’t know who was the more surprised him or me. But after that he wouldn’t touch me. Totally ignored me for months.” Sam said in a sarcastic tone. “But that was when me and Dean discovered each other sorta. We discovered a lot of things.”

 

“I don’t think the doctor is interested in beginnings.” Dean supplied.

 

“Actually Dean, I’m interested in anything pertinent to the case. It looks like the abuse influenced the present sexual preference. No, Dean not orientation but Sam’s desire for pain. And no I don’t think your Dad drove Sam into your arms sexually. “

 

“If he didn’t then who did? Did I act as a predator?” Dean asked.

 

“No, you both were hormonally changing, considering all the circumstances it was only natural that you would be well, that you would be tossed into the same situation. You probably experimented to start with, you found each other as safe havens, you Dean protecting Sam. I reassess my previous statement, your Dad did drive Sam into your arms. But he was prepared. Okay obviously you didn’t stay sexual partners for that long, after all you, Sam, went to college.”

 

“We were sexually apart for over what 4 years in college and then another 4 years after we got back together?” 

Dean sat back evaluating what had been said, Sam sat back unaware that he’d been crying the whole time. He sat there looking at Dean who was white with shock, then he started shaking his head in negation.

 

“No what we have is real!” Dean said harshly. Then he grabbed Sam in a tight hug and kiss, they savagely kissed for at least a full minute and both were crying now. Memories flood their senses, emotions long tamped down exposed like a raw nerve in a tooth. The pain that drove them and that strangled them. They didn’t see Dr. Carriggan get up and leave for a moment only to return a short while later with a fresh box of tissues and some bottled water. He sat them on a table near the couch and then backed off to give them space as they gripped each other sobbing, realizing where they’d come from and where they were going. 

 

“I…LOVE….YOU!” Dean declared, emphasizing each word.

 

“Oh God, Dean, I love you so much, I don’t care how it happened, I don’t care if it’s good or bad. I don’t care, about any of that. I just care about you, only you.” Sam professed holding on for dear life.

 

“Sam you love Dean even if it was your father’s abuse that started all of this…?” Dr. Carriggan asked.

 

“Doc, I was 14 when I came while Dad spanked me, I remember that like a brand on my brain, but I was in love with Dean for nearly 2 years before that, I just couldn’t say anything.” Sam sobbed.

 

“What do you mean you were in love with me? Sam…we never… I never….” Dean said trying to control his own emotions as the rage started building now, rage towards a man years dead and gone, a man who might still be in Hell or may be in Heaven now, he didn’t know, he just knew that he wanted to be in the same room with their father for five minutes so he could explain how he felt, the anger and rage that was pulsing through him, he needed to express all of this. But he was powerless and that left him in a shaking rage.

 

“Don’t turn me away now Dean, please…” Sam begged.

 

Now his rage turned to icy, cold, and shock, “You think I’d do that to you now? Do you think I ever could?” 

 

“Dean what are you feeling now?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Impotent…I want to beat the shit out of a man who’s dead. I want to raise my father from the dead just so I can send him back with a solid ass kicking…and there’s not a god-damned thing I can do about it!!” Dean raged his face a mask of torment.

 

“Sam what do you need?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Dean…my big brother…” 

 

“Dean listen to me.” Carriggan instructed. “Dean, are you hearing me?” 

 

Dean shot the doctor a look of purest hatred for the moment. “Yeah.”

 

“Yeah you can hate me now, but listen. I’m going to leave you two until our next meeting. When I step out of this office I’ll through the dead bolt from the other side. That door leads to the back parking lot then around the building. Do you understand what I’m saying?” 

 

“Yeah, Doc, thanks.” Dean said his voice rough and weary. 

 

The doctor rose from his chair and walked to the door, “We’ll discuss more of this later.”

 

“Like hell.” Dean vowed.

 

Dr. Carriggan stared at the door a moment. “Do you love your brother, I mean really love him?”

 

“Yeah of course I do, what kind of fucked up question is that?” Dean answered.

 

“You’ll be back and yes we’ll talk some more.” Carriggan said closing the door behind him and throwing the deadbolt.


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t care what you say I’m not going back.” Dean challenged.

 

“Please just give it a chance.” Sam begged.

 

“I already have and that last session was bullshit.” Dean said looking away for a moment.

 

“So you believe what he said…that I came running to your arms…”

 

“No, that’s the part I believe is bullshit, we’ve always had something special.” Dean protested.

 

“Then come with me and prove him wrong!” Sam challenged.

 

Dean got up off the beat up sofa and followed Sam shaking his head.

 

Sam, Dan, Dr. Carriggan will see you now. They were led to the office with the comfy couch and waited. They didn’t have that long to wait as Dr. Carriggan came in about five minutes later.

 

“Sorry about that, I’m running a little ahead and then I get a little behind in my schedule. So how are you doing this week?” He asked.

 

“Feeling like shit.” Dean blurted.

 

“Good, you’re finally venting what you really feel instead of trying to hide everything.” Carriggan said with a smile that took Dean by surprise.

 

“Wait, you mean all that last week was meant to get us pissed off?” Sam started angrily.

 

“It was designed to get you thinking that maybe your problem is that you tie so much emotional weight to certain things which you cannot do anything about. You’re probably pissed off at me.” 

 

“Good answer doc.” Dean started. “You ripped us open, then poured salt in the wound then walked out. How the hell were we supposed to feel?” 

 

“You came back.” Carriggan noted. “Probably to give me a piece of your mind and how about we make a deal, I’ll give you whatever time at the end of this session to vent whatever you feel about me, fair enough?”

 

Sam thought a moment and nodded as did Dean. “Okay, you do your session, then we get our free shot.”

 

“Fine, did you think about that I said, I mean really think about it?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Actually yeah, it took me a while to get over the…no I’m lieing, I’m not over the pain, and I don’t know if I ever will be. Dad did the best he could but when he’d tie one on, well, he was Jekyll/Hyde and sometimes he would stay in his Mr. Hyde moment for days on end.” Sam said truthfully.

 

“Did he ever go beyond boundaries?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean immediately bridled, but Sam spoke up first. “You mean did he ever molest me? The answer to that is a flat NO. In fact he was so disturbed by the fact that I was getting off on the spankings that he freaking left me alone for over a month. That was when he started slapping and punching.”

 

“How did that affect the relationship with you and your brother?” 

 

“It was odd, it was about that time when Dean decided to bed anything with a skirt.” Sam said shortly.

 

“Why was that Dean?” 

 

Dean sat there for a long moment in deep thought. The looking up at the doctor he canted his head slightly and looked away embarrassed.

 

“Dean?” The doctor persisted.

 

“I guess it was to prove I was still a man.” Dean admitted.

 

“And did you succeed?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Only thing I succeeded in was nearly getting one girl preggers and coming real close to a case of clap once.” Dean said quickly.

 

“So what drew you back to Sam?” 

 

Dean looked at Sam for a moment and then to Sam he said, “He did, he drew me back, he was jealous and didn’t mind letting me know it. I was a dick and tried to pretend it didn’t matter to me what he felt. Then I came home one day…”

 

Sam’s eyes clinched tight for a moment. The doctor noting this looked at Sam. “Sam would you like to continue?”

 

Sam took a deep breath and held it for a moment, the blew it out. “I got jealous, yeah, he was giving to all these chicks, what he should’ve been giving me. I knew that he was just scared, but that didn’t help matters. It just made them worse. So I decided to pull a real stupid stunt one afternoon. I was about 15 maybe 16 at the time. Dean had been banging chicks instead of giving me any attention for over 3 months. I had all I could take, I took one of my razor blades. The disposable kind? I broke it down to get the blade free. Then…” Sam was stoutly keeping the tears at bay, but it was a losing battle. He held out his left arm and showed off the cut. It was about 4 inches long and running the length of his arm.

 

“That was one cut, how deep did you go?” The doctor asked.

 

“Didn’t get the artery, but nicked several veins. I was a loser at that as well.”

 

“You didn’t want to die, just to get his attention?” Carriggan ventured.

 

Sam nodded shamefaced and crying. “I was desperate, the only thing I had was memories. He kept after me like you brother to brother stuff.”

 

“But the magic was gone.” Carriggan supplied.

 

“A big dramatic, but yes.” Sam admitted. 

 

In the meantime Dean sat looking straight ahead his gaze fixed on the wall at some point behind the doctor. 

 

The doctor looked at Dean and broke his line of sight for the moment startling him. “What did you do when you found him?” 

 

Dean fought to keep his emotions in control. “I patched him up, I was relieved to see he hadn’t hit the artery, then I fought the urge to beat the shit out of him instead I confined it to a shouting match which ended up in some serious angry make up sex. He got my attention.”

 

“Obviously, did you talk about it?” Carriggan asked. 

 

Dean looked away for a moment, “No…that wasn’t my style, it wasn’t cool for me to be doing that.” 

 

“How do you feel now?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean turned to look at Sam, “Why didn’t you tell me something earlier?”

 

“Dean, I was like Western Union, I was telegraphing the fact that I was pissed off and jealous as hell but you were dense as hell and didn’t or wouldn’t pick up on it.”

 

Dean reached and in a rare gesture stroked Sam’s arm, “I’m here now.”

 

“I know.” Sam dry sobbed, “But there are times when I wonder just when you’ll do it again. I mean. I’ve fucked up, I’ve done some things that even I would like me about. But you came back.”

 

“Because I love you Sammy. I always will. As to me going away, the only time I’ve gone away is when you pushed me away.” 

 

“I promise never to do that again.” Sam said looking him in the eye.

 

“Not even for someone like Ruby?” Dean asked worriedly.

 

“Who’s Ruby?” Carriggan asked.

 

“She came between us a couple of years ago, got Sam hooked through the bag on some heavy shit.”

 

“Drugs?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah.” Sam admitted, “to me it was like heroin, it fucked me up made me dependent on her until we finally split. I spent some time at my uncles with Dean drying out. That was hell.”

“So do you still look for someone like Ruby?” 

 

“NO!” Sam stated emphatically. “No…” he started calmer, “Ruby is history, she was the only thing to seriously come between us.

 

Carriggan sat back, “So Dean, you’re worried about Sam finding a new drug and running again?”

 

“I used to be, I mean I really didn’t know some days if I’d wake up to find him gone.”

 

“How do you feel about him now?” Carriggan asked.

 

“That’s between me and Sam.” Dean said suddenly brusque as if caught out in a emotion he didn’t want to admit having.

 

“Sam?” Carriggan prompted.

 

“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic that I’m alone again, only to feel Dean right there with me. I…uh…I cuddle.”

 

“He’s your anchor?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, I guess he is.” Sam agreed.

 

“It’s been a month now, how is your sex life?” Carriggan asked.

 

Sam looked poleaxed for a moment then started to speak when Dean chimed in, “It’s pretty much everything I’ve wanted and then some.”

 

“What do you mean, pretty much everything I’ve wanted…” Sam asked suddenly defensive.

 

“It’s embarrassing.” Dean admitted.

 

“Oh so I embarrass you now?” Sam asked.

 

“No, damn it Sam, I’d like it if you uh…you know…” 

 

Carriggan sat back watching for a moment, “No I don’t know.” Sam said.

 

“Well, if sometimes you’d dominate.” Dean said in a near whisper.

 

“What’s that?” Although Sam heard clearly what was said. “Damn it, I want you to top me sometime.”

 

Carriggan shook his head, “No Dean, you clearly said Dominate. You’d like to be Sam’s sub partner?”

 

“I didn’t think you were into spanking.” Sam said.

 

“I’m not…well at least I don’t think I am.” Dean said strangely.

 

Carriggan stepped over to a credenza and keyed up an entry on his console. He then printed out a page.

 

“This is a colleague of mine; she specializes in leather play which is what it sounds like you’re mildly interested in. She would be happy to consult with you. And I recommend that you consult with her immediately.” Carriggan said still standing. 

 

“Gentlemen I think that is all for now, please see Ms. Hunt before our next appointment, I would like to hear your input.”

 

Sam and Dean rose from their place on the couch and headed towards the door. 

 

“You’re sure about this?” Dean asked warily.

 

“Just give her a listen.” Carriggan noted and opened the door for them.


	6. Chapter 6

  
Author's notes: This chapter is a bit longer and meatier. Hope you like.  
_______________________________________________________  


* * *

They arrived at the doctor’s office on time and looking quite uncomfortable, each sitting in their seats gingerly. When they were called back they were more than grateful for the comfy couch. The doctor came in and noted their pained expressions. 

 

“I meant for you to go to see her a couple of days before our next appointment.” Carriggan noted. He looked at them a moment. “So what did you think?”

 

“Inventive.” Dean noted dryly.

 

“She certainly has variety.” Sam commented.

 

“I felt that if you experienced that side of life in earnest you’d appreciate it better.” Carriggan said with a faint smile. “She no doubt explained exactly what was entailed in submissive and dominate relationships as far the leather lifestyle was?” 

 

“Oh she gave us the speech, then took us on a tour of her playroom, then asked us if this was what we were thinking about.”

 

“I wasn’t even sure, I just knew we had to try something.” Sam offered.

 

“And was it to your liking?” Carriggan asked.

 

“If there was a way that I could combine aspects of vanilla sex and leather I think we’d have some interesting play.”

 

“You can just get the toys, the flails whatever to play with, you don’t have to go, pardon the pun, whole hog leather.” Carriggan suggested.

 

“We did. We bought a cat-o-nine-tails, and some other stuff…” Sam finished lamely.

 

“Oh you’re going to try butt plugs.” Carriggan said plainly. They both suddenly looked embarrassed. “So did you have a chance to play with the cat?” 

 

“That’s why we’re sore today. We uh…we got adventurous last night.” Dean admitted.

 

Carriggan looked at him a moment then looked to Sam, “So what do you think?”

 

“I think I found a new kink.” Sam said with a slight smile.

 

“Dean?” 

 

“I think I found a whole new level of embarrassment.” He said.

 

They looked at each other a moment then looked to the doctor. It was the doctor who spoke to Sam. “So did this fulfill your spanking fetish?” 

 

“Oh yeah.” Sam replied grinning. 

 

“You don’t look guilty, you look as if you actually enjoyed it.” Carriggan said.

 

Sam still grinning, “I’d be lying if I said anything else.”

 

“What about you, Dean?” Carriggan asked.

 

“What about me what? Oh what about how I liked the whip. It made me remember a few things negative but I trust Sam so I let him lay into me with it and yeah, I got hard from it.” Dean responded.

 

“Good, good, you said the key word there Dean. Trust. This whole game of life is built on trust, the fact that you trust Sam to flog you says a great deal. But you said it made you remember some negative things. Let’s explore that for a moment and see if we can excise that from you.” The doctor said.

 

Dean shook his head negatively. “You don’t understand doc there are some places I can’t revisit, not right now.”

 

“Dean I want to help you, please let me in.” Carriggan asked.

 

“Do you believe in Heaven and Hell as literal places?” Dean asked calmly.

 

“I believe them to be metaphors of life, but as literal places, I would have to express my doubts.” 

 

“That is why I can’t talk to you about it. Because I’ve been there, done that. Got the scars to prove it.” Dean said evenly. “Do you believe me doctor or do you that it’s time to break out the Thorazine?”

 

“I believe that you may have had an experience in your life which you’ve equated to hell, it was the utmost torture for you.” Dr. Carriggan began, “I would guess this involved some experimentation…” 

 

Dean stood and pulled off his overshirt and pulled up the sleeves on his T-shirt showing the hand prints, still as vibrant and red in this life as they were 60 years ago. “If there is any way you can prove these are tattoos I’ll give you $5 million, no questions asked. Prove that these are created with ink. I’ll even permit you to take and epidermal sample.”

 

“Where did you get those marks?” The doctor asked concerned. 

 

Dean turned and pulled the T-shirt back up to expose his shoulders, the indentures of scar marks still in his flesh from the hooks that suspended him over hell.

 

“What the…” The doctor asked laying a finger in the two wells some half inch deep and calloused. “This is some SERIOUS fetish play.” 

 

“Doctor what is the most reliable means of measuring truth?” Dean asked.

 

“There is a form of an electroencephlagram which can give me access to certain brain waves, these waves can ascertain the level of truth in a person.”

 

“When can we do one of these and will you believe the results?” Dean asked.

 

“I can get the nurse to schedule it for us, and yes, I’ve seen this test performed numerous times and it always comes back with positive results.”

 

“Dean you don’t have to do this.” Sam told him. 

 

“I know I don’t have to, I want to.” Dean persisted. “Doc, what I’ve got to tell you can never leave this office.”

 

“Dean you have my confidentiality.” 

 

“That’ll have to do for now. Because you see I’ve been to hell, served time there, was resurrected, I don’t expect you to believe me, I’d like to not believe it myself. But that’s the truth.”

 

“I believe that you believe that to be truth.” Carriggan said noncommittally.

 

“Goddamn it, I…Castiel! Please hear me Castiel!” There was a rush of wings and suddenly Castiel was in the office with Dean and Sam. The doctor leapt up alarmed. Dean held up placating hands. “I was telling this doctor that I’ve served in hell but there seems to be a comprehension problem.”

 

“He thinks you’re lying.” Castiel said plainly.

 

“Dr. Carriggan, Castiel, Castiel, Dr. Carriggan.” Sam said dryly. 

 

“Honoured.” The doctor said. “Excuse me for asked but just what exactly are you?”

 

Castiel his temper flaring due to the unexpected call and for what he probably considered frivolous turned to the doctor and spread his wings swiftly. “An angel of the Lord. Is there a problem with that?” Castiel said quietly.

 

“Oh come on Cas, the next thing you know you two will be hanging out your peckers comparing sizes.” Dean said. Castiels mouth quirked slightly. 

 

“An angel…”

 

“That’s what I said, as to what Dean has told you it’s true my hands made the marks on his biceps.” And with another rush of wings Castiel was gone. 

 

“They’re not quite what I expected.” Carriggan said stunned.

 

“Well they’re definitely not little creatures with fluffy wings and halos.”

 

“He seemed almost militaristic.” 

 

“That’s because angels are, they are the warriors of God.” Dean pronounced.

 

The doctor shook his head and looked back at Dean with renewed respect. “Ok, let’s use the fact you were in hell as a working hypothesis. How does that equate to your respect of pain in the giving and receiving?”

 

“Because for what would be 3 months on earth I was tortured, every day in ways that I can’t even begin to tell you because I have refused to allow my mind to wander there much.”

 

“You say ‘3 months on earth’ there is a time differential in hell?” Carriggan asked staggered.

 

“A month here is a decade in hell, I spent 30 years being tortured, in ways that would make the hardest leather jock cringe.” Dean said flatly. “So being flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails brought back some negative memories, but pleasurable ones as well.”

 

“You become sexually excited through pain? Inflicted or inflicting?” The doctor asked.

 

“Yes partially anyway, and I get off on both.” Then he looked skyward a moment as if in contemplation and then back at the doctor. “You don’t believe me, of course.” 

 

“I never said that, I find the concept difficult to grasp as it goes against what I have been taught. So yes, there is some room for doubt. But at the same time I cannot deny that this Castiel is a being of an entirely different strata from any that I have encountered.” Carriggan was staggered.

 

“I gave you that material to let you know where I stand on this matter.”

 

The doctor looked at him and sighed deeply. “Why did you give me that?” 

 

“I can take it away just as easily. But I dislike doing that.” 

 

“But Dean, this is a major breakthrough just think of the studies that can bring out new information with regards to just religion alone.”

 

“See that’s the main problem I had with coming out with the truth in the first place.” Dean griped and stared at the doctor. He then walked over to the refrigerator in the office and took out three beers, opening his he sat down and passed one to Sam.

 

“Dean, this was a bad idea.” Sam said.

 

Dean looked at him agog. “Geez little brother mine, in all your years of underestimations that takes the prize.” He looked disgustedly at the doctor, “Pardon the family dispute.”

 

“Go on please. I can’t wait to see where this goes next.” The doctor said excitedly.

 

“See that is the problem, when the truth is actually brought out about something that is supernatural the first thing you doctor type people want to do is to dissect, investigate it, study it to its smallest level, and leave the crumbs behind for someone else to take care of.”

 

“Let me explain it pure and simple doc. I experienced pain and suffering on a level which you cannot measure. I inflicted pain and suffering after 30 years of torture. I lasted 30 years, I’m not brave, I’m not a good man, I’m just a man, I’ve got a job to do and I do it. I get touched by the supernatural and all of the sudden I’m a freak, considering I’m the third person in recorded history to have been resurrected knowingly I’m a freak on a whole new level.”

 

“Dean please this isn’t how this is supposed to go.” Sam said dejectedly.

 

“No it’s not and it won’t if Dr. Kildare there can guarantee me that he will quit looking at me like a prize lab specimen, quit thinking of me as his next prize, quit considering ways to test me. Doc you really don’t want to go there, so please back off now.”

 

“You feel undeniably adamant about this. There is nothing I can do to make you change your mind?” 

 

“The fuck! Of course not, I want to be left alone, I don’t want to be the subject of some medical journal write up, or some fucked up experiment.”

 

“I give you my word that I’ll not consider it.”

 

Dean stuck out his hand and waited until the doctor gripped his in return. “Speak your promise.” Dean said formally.

 

“I promise not to use you in any way, I promise to treat you as a patient with the respect and dignity that a patient deserves. I promise not to benefit from this news in any way.”

 

Castiel’s gravelly monotone filled the room, “Heard and witnessed.” The angel was nowhere to be seen.

 

“Now do you understand?” Sam said looking at him sadly. “We need guidance but even though there are some things you have to know, there is a price to be paid.”

 

“I never asked for this price.” Carriggan said his voice taking a hostile edge.

 

“Yes you fucking did.” Dean challenged “When you took the Hippocratic Oath, the first command in the oath is that you would do no harm.”

 

Carriggan stared at them for a long moment weighing all his options. He sat for a longer moment toying with the idea of tossing them out of his office.

 

“May we speak of these things during our sessions?” He asked.

 

“As they relate to the situation, yes.” Dean agreed.

 

“You indicated that you enjoyed the flogging with the cat-o-nine-tails, that it got you off.” Carriggan started.

 

“No I said it got me hard. And it did, that was the hardest erection I can ever remember having.” Dean recalled.

 

“And what about you Sam?” 

 

“I came again with just the flogging alone.” Sam said with a little smile.

 

“So certain levels and types of pain are useful aren’t they?” 

 

“Definitely, I don’t know that I’d want it every time we fucked around, but it definitely spices things up a bit.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“Okay so far we’ve tried romantic dates, which you’ve enjoyed, then you adventured with this, you tell me, what do you want from your relationship?”

 

“I want to be spontaneous.” Sam said.

 

“Meaning you want to feel free to be yourself in public. How about you Dean?”

 

“I want to keep it to the bedroom.” Dean said defensively. 

 

“Okay here’s your homework for this week, go on walks, just walks. Sam if you feel like holding Dean’s hand, Dean let him hold it.”

 

“Oh man!” Dean whined.

 

“I’m not saying walk everywhere hand in hand, but if Sam wants to take your hand, don’t fuss. Sam, I want you to define what you mean by spontaneous, Dean respond to his sallies and notions with truth.”

 

“You don’t understand Doc. I was…well hell. I’m the oldest son, I grew up in the shadow of my Marine Corp father, he taught me to…”

 

“Taught you to be a man was not to have feelings?” Carriggan supplied.

 

“No, just certain types of feelings. Guys acted like guys together.”

 

Carriggan smiled. “Then listen to your brother, I mean really listen to him. Think about what he’s asking and then consider, would it be a major problem if I did this, or come back to him with a counter proposal.” Carriggan stood as did Sam and Dean. “By the way when was the last time you went in for an HIV test?”

 

“A month or so.” Dean dodged.

 

“Meaning about six months, get one done this week. Together.”

 

“It’s like you’re a matchmaker and you’re trying to push us together.” Sam commented.

 

“Perhaps it’s because I can see what a right couple you two make.” Carriggan said with a smile as they left the room. He kept the smile in place as he walked over to a small cabinet and opened the door to reveal a video feed from a mini cam that was placed in the room for his protection. It had recorded perfectly.

 

“That recording is for your attempt to show it to anyone else and I will smite you.” Castiel said startling the doctor.

 

“And what form would a smiting take?” Carriggan asked imagining a slap on the wrist.

 

“The last time was when a woman tried to view my angelic form, her eyes were burned out.” Castiel said evenly.

 

“You bastards play for keeps.” Carriggan noted.

 

“You’re learning.” Castiel said and disappeared.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean and Sam are seated on the sofa in the doctor’s lounge, the doctor tensing as he enters the room, they are at opposite ends of the sofa.

 

“Dean…Sam…What’s wrong?” Dr. Carriggan asks. 

 

It’s like pulling a cork out of a full barrel, both of them started at once and the result was an insane babble between the two of them. Finally they each stop pretty much at the same moment glaring at each other.

 

“You start.” Dean prompts.

 

“No please by all means you go first?” Sam says sarcastically. 

 

“No I insist.” Dean returns.

 

“Okay gentlemen I have a real simple way to settle this. Rock, paper, scissors, winner goes first.” Carriggan said looking at them both with some concern. They agreed and Sam won the first and thankfully only round. 

 

“Bitch.” Dean commented.

 

“Jerk.” Sam returned with a ghost of a smile. Then started. “We tried your suggestion we went out to the local park and walked, and most of the time we’d go completely unnoticed. Sometimes we’d get noticed by other couples who would smile and nod as they went on their way. This one nun passed us with kind eyes but a frown that put me in my place quickly.” 

 

“Tell him about the mall.” Dean prompted.

 

“I will if you’ll shut it a minute.” Sam said. “We went to the movies together, I actually chose a slasher flick that I usually detest but knew that Dean would enjoy. We sat there and I actually flirted with him. Squeezing his thigh and riding my hand up and squeezing his…well you get the idea. That was dynamite, thank God we were in a nearly deserted theatre.”

 

“I take it there were promising results from that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I gave him a hand job that ended up as a blow job in the back of the theatre. When we got back to the room we had some unbelievable sex.”

 

“I don’t understand the tension between you two right now. Perhaps you could tell me about that Dean.” Carriggan asked.

 

“Mind if I get a beer?” He asked.

 

Carriggan nodded to the fridge and waited until he’d brought out three beers. Sam accepted his beer with a glacial ‘thank you’ to an equally glacial ‘welcome.’ Dean sat down and took a pull from the beer. “Me and Mr. Tightass over there…”

 

“Dean please.” He looked over to Sam who looked away and took a pull on his beer.

 

“We were walking around the mall again this morning. Hand in hand, everything cool, when a mama and little girl go by. We stopped to look at something in the window and the little girl looked back curiously while the mama dragged her off with a disgusted look. We started walking again after a moment and the woman was far ahead of us talking with a mall cop he just looked at her and shook his head. “Ma’am if all they were doing is holding hands there is nothing I can do about that.” That’s what the cop said.”

 

Dean took another pull at the beer as Carriggan studied them a moment, “You realized that there would be those who are phobic towards anyone expressing a relationship other than what is considered the ‘norm?’ I don’t agree with it either but there you go.”

 

“I know that, and we’d put up with our share of bullshit looks and snickers through the week and pulled away from Sam and started back towards the entrance where the car was parked, he caught up with me and asked me what my problem was. I told him I was tired of living like a gay man when I’m not gay. It went downhill from there and we had a humdinger of a blow up in the mall that brought that rent-a-cop running he looked at us and motioned towards the exit. He was nice enough about it but still we got thrown out of the mall for doing what thousands of couples do on a daily basis. That’s what I’m upset about. Okay, I like to fuck Sam. He’s the only one I’ve been with, hell, he’s the only thing I’ve fucked since we decided to take this to the next level two years ago.”

 

“So your main gripe was that you couldn’t live a false life.” Carriggan started.

 

“I can live with being bisexual, but I’m just not comfortable with the touchy feely bullshit when we are out like that yet.” He said in a rambling stammer.

 

Sam slowly turned around Carriggan falling silent as he heard the defining term in his statement. 

 

“You said ‘yet,’ you distinctly said ‘yet.’” Sam started.

 

“Yeah it’s a word, it was in the dictionary the last time I looked.”

 

“Then you admit that the might be a time in the future when you would feel comfortable doing that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I don’t know.” Dean shifted uncomfortably. 

 

“Dean, we only tried it a handful of times and always in the mall or the park.” Sam said desperately.

 

“So what are you suggesting?” Dean said looking at him. 

 

“Why don’t you two ride up to the state park, there’s one about 25 miles west of here.” Carriggan started, “they have cabins to rent pretty cheaply from what I gather. And there are tons of nature trails. You could go up there spend a few days, being alone and getting to know each other all over again.” Carriggan suggested.

 

Dean looked at Sam a moment who returned the look levelly. Carriggan smiled slightly. “One of you has to break and make the first move.” He said.

 

“Don’t rush me. Dean you were pretty spiteful earlier.”

 

“You didn’t help matters.” Dean returned.

 

“What did you expect after sleeping single in a double bed.” Sam straight at him. Dean was the first to look away. 

 

“Okay so we went to bed pissed off at each other, we’ve done that before.” 

 

“Not over matters pertaining to US.” Sam said sadly.

 

“Sam you know how I feel about…”

 

“Yeah I know all about you and chick flick moments. God, I swear one day I’m going to handcuff you to a bed and make you watch “The Notebook” with me.” Sam shouted.

 

“Not fucking likely!” Dean shot back.

 

“Gentlemen, let’s take a breather here for a minute with your relationship. Dean I want you to think back to your relationship to your father. You’ve indicated that it was almost a militaristic relationship.”

 

Dean shrugged, “He treated me like the way he was brought up in the corp.”

 

“Which means from the time you were old enough to move and understand words, you were his little soldier.” Carriggan said evenly.

 

“Well I wouldn’t put it that way exactly.” Dean answered.

 

“I would.” Sam said.

 

“You shut up.” Dean started.

 

“Boys, come on, let Dean talk for a moment Sam.” Carriggan admonished gently.

 

“I guess in some ways I was a miniature military grunt to him.” Dean admitted.

 

“Did you always do what he said?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Not all the time, there were a few times we slipped one by him.” Dean said with an almost smile.

 

“We, meaning you and your brother.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dean admitted sullenly. “There were times we’d get one over on the old man.”

 

“But not all the time, most of the time you obeyed his orders without question?” Carrigan said.

“Yeah” Dean answered, “It beat getting cuffed upside the head because I wasn’t quick enough to respond.”

 

“So he reinforced his commands with physical action if you weren’t fast enough to respond.” The doctor asked.

 

Dean took a moment and looked uncomfortable with that question. “Sometimes.” He admitted slackly.

 

“All the time.” Sam said. And for one Dean didn’t have a comeback. The doctor made a mental note and went on. 

 

“And I imagine one of the things he taught you as a young troop” Carriggan’s voice was hard now, “was that men don’t whine or cry.”

 

“Oh that was taught early on.” Dean admitted.

 

“So you were never permitted to have a childhood, a normal little boys childhood, you’re your daddy’s automaton to do as he commanded without question, you were your little brother’s keeper, never being thanked for the job I’ll bet?” Carriggan said.

 

Dean looked really uncomfortable now and Sam slid a little closer on the sofa. 

 

“I did have a childhood, I had responsibilities.” Dean growled.

 

“It’s not a bad thing to have. Only to have them in small doses. I imagine you were given some heavy duty responsibilities when you were just a kid.” Carriggan noted.

 

“I was the only kid in my third grade class who could hit the 10 ring, 9 out of 10 tries.” Dean preened.

 

“But listen to what you said for a moment. Is that the normal life of a 9 year old boy?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Our life wasn’t normal.” Dean growled again. 

 

“Obviously. But you were brought up with a strong father image who probably was the bomb with your mom.”

 

“Mom died when I was four years old doc.” Dean said evenly.

 

“Okay, but did your dad stay celibate?” Carriggan asked.

 

“No, he fucked around. He taught me early on what a sock on the motel room door knob meant.” 

 

“You didn’t have a chance to even moderately experience your feminine side then did you?”

 

“Doc, I don’t have the nearest clue as to what you’re talking about.”

 

Carriggan sat back and looked at Dean, “Dean, everyone is born with a multifaceted personality. As we grow, we work to develop that by chipping away parts that don’t fit. Everyone is both with both female and male identities within, the identity you accept is the one you let win, at least for the moment. You eventually choose a side and remain there for a while, this can draw you to your own gender as well as the opposite. Some people for a while ride the fence and play both sides of the field. Nothing wrong with that either. But what is wrong is when you are pushed into one of the sides. When you are forced there instead of you being given the choice. You were never even permitted to know if you had any other side, you were thrust in to a pool of testosterone and told to swim it.” Carriggan took another look at him, “Then you reached a period when you wanted to experiment, find out just what the other side had that evidently made them so happy. Because your side wasn’t. You didn’t find fulfillment there either until you were reunited with your brother after his two years of college. Then a whole new you was reawakened. You had someone to care about. But you hid everything behind and you still do to a degree this massively thick shell of machismo that says you can and can’t do things. Dean, you need to step back from that and realize that you can experience your feelings and no one will make fun of you.”

 

“Oh there are plenty of people who got their jollies from us.” He spouted as he noted that Sam was at least in the center of the sofa so Dean slid over a little as well.

 

“But Dean, are they living your life?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do they get to go home with who you do every night?”

 

“No.” Came a quieter reply.

 

“Are they as lucky as you are.”

 

“I suppose not.”

 

Carriggan let the moment stretch out a bit then, “Let’s step back one more time to your childhood.”

 

“Do we have to?” Dean asked uncomfortable with the idea. 

 

“I think we do need to. Just for a moment.” Carriggan looked at Dean a moment. “Were you permitted to grieve after your mother’s death?” 

 

Dean blinked expected any question but that one. “I remember going to my Aunt Lucie’s for the weekend, that stretched into a week. I was told that Dad was sick. What he was, was drunk, I didn’t know it at the time, I found out when I was sixteen.” Dean answered gruffly his voice hoarse.

 

“What was your last memory of your mom?”

 

“We’d just tucked Sammy down for the night, mom and dad put me to bed, and that was the last until the fire.”

 

“So I ask you again, were you permitted to grieve after your mom’s death?”

 

“I don’t remember,” Dean said adamantly, “I was four years old at the time, okay, I don’t fucking remember.” Dean said stubbornly though tears peeping from the corners of his eyes told another story. 

 

“Who do you miss more?”

 

“Neither one, okay?” Dean was turning belligerent now, Sam scooted over a touch more until their hands were touching. Carriggan waited a span of breaths and was about to ask another question when Dean blurted out, “Both of them okay! I miss them both.” He said crushing his empty beer can with his right hand. Sam reached out and grabbed Dean in a hug that Dean returned fiercely. Dean buried his face into Sam’s chest. Carriggan got up and came back with two more beers for them. 

 

After what seemed like an eternity Dean finally came up for air and looked at his kid brother, they traded and look and pulled each other into a ferocious hug. 

 

“I’ll hold your hand more in public if you swear never to play “The Notebook” in my presence.” Dean said quietly leaning foreheads together. 

 

“What if you want to see it someday?” Sam asked.

 

“Right, like that’ll ever happen.” Dean replied. “Look I’m sorry about blowing this up like this.”

 

“No, I’m sorry for trying to change you in a week. We’ve got as long as we want and we’ll do this however you want to do. If you even want to do it.” Sam said finally.

 

“No Sam, this is something that we will do or not together. But can we skip the tearful reunion stage and just go.” 

 

“Almost, I’ve got some homework for you this week and it’s the same as last week. But this time take my advice and go to the state park and rent a cabin.” Carriggan advised.

 

Then Dean turned to Sam, “But if we have any other little old bitchy men or women pull the same stunt on us that bitch did in the mall…”

 

“You have my permission to go caveman on them.” Sam said with a smile. “Forgiven.”

 

“Shut up.” Dean said pulling him into a kiss. After a minute they broke and stood. The doctor saw then out and they walked down the hall Dean slipped his hand naturally into Sam’s. Sam’s free hand came around to his back in a thumbs up gesture.


	8. Chapter 8

It was ten days before the doctor saw them again, this time, they were sitting together on the sofa, Dean still exuding his bulldog masculinity but with a softer edge to it, Sam was radiant for a guy. The doctor had stood from his usual chair and welcomed them into the lounge and marveled at the change in them. 

 

“We haven’t been back in town that long.” Dean admitted. “I don’t expect this good feeling to last forever.” 

 

“Then make it something to work towards each day. You don’t have to do it here, you can be anywhere just use some of the relaxation techniques we’ve discussed before, and for crying out loud, walk off your frustrations instead of taking them out on each other unless you just like rough make up sex.”

 

“Hey doc, don’t knock what you haven’t tried.” Dean joked. 

 

Carriggan seated himself and watched them. “So the trip to the mountains was a success?”

 

“We rented one of the cabins for a week; I got a look around the area and the closest town and thought this was batshit central. It was going on towards evening when we finally got up there and there was a serious chill breeze blowing up there. As for the inside of the cabin, you could ‘a hung meat and it would’ve stayed fresh.” Dean started.

 

Sam picked it up, “I got a fire going while Dean stowed our goods and put the food up in the kitchen. Instead of a fireplace it had a glass fronted wood stove. It was so cool and heated up the place in no time. It was kind of a two story affair with the living room, bath, master, and kitchen on one level then a loft where you could’ve slept four more. For $40 a night that was a steal!” 

 

Dean took back up the tale. “So here we are curled up on a bearskin rug on the living room floor and have already gone through the better part of a six pack.”

 

“I’m sure lying on a fur rug and getting drunk wasn’t you’re only activities.” Carriggan said with a smile. 

 

Sam grinned as Dean continued, “No after a little while we got up and went out on the front porch, that part of the area had a little open sky. There were no street lamps around so the only light came from inside the cabin. So we took a walk around the cabin and made out under the stars. It was fucking unbelievable. I mean we’ve done the getaway things before, but I guess we were never this stressed.” Dean looked embarrassed for a moment.

 

Sam punched him in the arm playfully. “He went all girl on me for a while. Well, I should say we both did, we started talking about shit we’d done and things we’d like to do. It was fantastic. It was like we were seeing each other on a whole new level. We went into the cabin and went to bed. It was like I said fantastic. I don’t remember how many orgasms I had that night but I ended up shooting air after a while. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It was like 3 or 4 in the morning before we finally fell asleep. I woke up and it was somewhere around noon, Dean was already up and showered then while he was getting breakfast on I took my shower. We stayed naked for practically the whole time we were in the cabin. It was great. Everything was spontaneous.”

 

“He even got me to go out on a nature walk with him. We got dressed up in some warmer duds, it was cold up there in the mountains, and we walked for over two hours. We’d punch each other like we used to do as kids, at one point we found an overlook with a boulder on it, we sat out there on that for some time, looking at the view, making out, looking at the view some more and making out some more.” Dean said wistfully. 

 

“The only time it got tense was on the last day, when we knew that we’d have to be coming back to the city. We both almost cried at having to leave that spot. We made a sort of vow to do this sort of thing more often. “ Sam said smiling, “We made love one final time on the bear skin rug this time then got dressed and came back into town. When we got to the house we’re renting it was a bit of a come down but we were still partially floating on a high from being on the mountain for so long. We went to the mall…”

 

“Wait a minute let me tell this part.” Dean jumped in, Sam acceded. “We went to the mall, it was pretty busy and we walked around window shopping at one point I grabbed Sam by the shoulders and hugged him. We got a few looks but most just let it pass, then we saw Ms. Tightpanties.”

 

“You’re speaking of the woman that gave you a hard time the last time you were in?” Carriggan interrupted.

 

“Yeah her! She was coming up the mall with her hubbie in tow with their little girl. Sam and I purposefully grabbed each other around the waist as we walked by them then we stopped and looked in the window at a leather goods store and was lusting over some chaps. When we felt a tap, it was the hubbie. He said to us “Look dudes I don’t mean to be rude but did you have to do that?” I shot back at him that he was in the mall the week before when his wife made a scene about us just walking hand in hand. So he said, “She’s still dealing with the fact that our oldest son came out of the closet.” How olds the son I asked. He said “16.” I had to laugh and tell him not to worry at that age it’s probably just experimentation, don’t try to push him, and support him. We told him what we did know about teens and coming out, about suicide rates and stuff. That seemed to give him a new perspective. He shook our hands then. Yeah I about dropped my jaw. Then went back to Ms. Tightpanties who was looking fit to kill one or both of us on the spot. I did recommend you to them. “

 

“Thank you. I appreciate that. And yes, sadly for some teenagers, they are so ostracized by their parents that they end up committing suicide as a result of just trying to adapt. I went to the hospital this week; I have three patients in who have attempted suicide for pretty much the same reasons that drove you to me. You see this is a global thing, not just a personal level tragedy.”

 

“We know…I guess that’s when I changed a little; I told Sam I’d stop being so ultra-straight acting if he would quit trying to psycho-queer on me. We agreed that we both had a lot of shit to work on.”

 

“So what are you going to do? I know a while back you said you were basically nomads.” Carriggan asked.

 

“We haven’t found anything opening up seriously far out of town for right now so we’re probably gonna hang in close for a couple of months and just chill. I’ve got a job at the local Health Food Restaurant downtown; Dean’s got work on a construction crew.”

 

“So you get to fulfill your basic needs through your work?” 

Sam looked at him a moment and nodded, “Yeah but we miss that little cabin.” 

 

“So create your own bit of heaven where you’re at. Decorate it the way YOU both want to see it. Make friends and invite them over. Have beer bashes or bar-b-que’s or whatever, but reach out to the community.” Carriggan urged.

 

“So are we cured?” Sam asked smiling.

 

“There was never anything you had a disease which needed treatment for. You both were just butting heads. But yes you are cured for now. Realize that this is a temporary thing. Enjoy it while you can, put as much into this as you can. And come out in the community, look I know your brothers, the rest of the world don’t, you both must favour the other parent. You’ll find that there is a strong gay community here in town and they support each other. Most of them meet at the Church of the Blessed Virgin on Sycamore on Sundays. It’s a non-denominational church. It’s also called the Queer Church. I have several patients who go there and they are a wonderful support hub.”

 

“We’ll think about that only one thing.” Dean said. “You were right, you know.”

 

“About?” Carriggan asked.

 

“About how I was daddies good little soldier, I never realized how regimented I was until we did go away for the week. I had everything planned out and at it worked, things happened that totally shot all my plans in the foot.” Dean said sobering for a moment.

 

“That’s a good thing.” Carriggan noted. “You need to learn to be less obsessive, perhaps that is a problem which we need to start addressing in our sessions.”

 

Dean nodded then Sam jabbed him in the ribs. “What!” Dean blurted.

 

“The ring…” Sam held up his left hand and he was now sporting a band similar to his brother’s band which had belonged to their father. 

 

“That was the first thing we decided to do was to make this as official as we could make it. We’re going to try to make this thing work.” Dean said.

 

“Do you want to? Really?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah,” Dean said after a moment, “I’ll always love him as my brother, but this is a whole new level of love, and I just gotta get used to it.”

 

“Dean take some advice…when you go at this don’t go like a starving man at a banquet. But pick and choose carefully from all the dishes on the table. Take a little at a time so you are not overwhelmed. It’s too terribly easy to do believe me.”

 

“Okay doc.” 

 

Then Carriggan leaned back in his chair. “You know you’ve never told me what kind of work you are into that makes your life so nomadic.”

“Doc there are some things that I doubt you’d believe in if we told you.” Dean started.

 

“Try me.” Carriggan challenged.

 

“You’ve met Castiel so you are aware that at least that supernatural being exists.” Sam said the doctor nodded. “There are whole scopes of creatures out there that exist, most come from or have a mythology based around them. Some of them are a disease, like vampires and were creatures.”

 

“You mean there are really such creatures in existence?” Carriggan said skeptical.

 

“Doc, we hunt down supernatural beings, if they are problems we neutralize the problem.” Sam said carefully. “When we hear stories about a kid who’s afraid of going to sleep because of a monster in his closet, we tend to take this person seriously.” 

 

“I’m sorry I would have to see one to believe in it.” Carriggan said indulgently.

 

“You didn’t believe in me until you saw me.” Castiel said appearing behind Sam and Dean. 

 

“Granted.” Carriggan said startled.

 

“So why is it so difficult to believe that other mythological creatures may exist?”

 

“Because some of these creatures are basically humans who are psychologically disturbed.” Sam reached into his wallet and pulled out a long cylindrical piece of calcium. 

 

“That looks like it should be a tooth!” Carriggan said. 

 

“That’s a vampire fang; they have a retractable set of such fangs which they can unsheathe at will to take their victim.” Dean said as Sam put the fang back into his wallet. “Yeah there are your garden variety Goth teenagers and some adults who get their kinks drinking blood, but they are humans. There are creatures out there that must drink blood to subsist. Most of the nests we run into take their victims from the cast offs from society. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make it better, it’s just a fact of life.”

 

“Werewolves?” Carriggan asked

 

“They’re out there; most live in packs and most stay to themselves. There are some who tend to exhibit their disease in a rougher fashion. We took out a pack of werewolves in North Dakota that was an outlaw biker gang.” Dean said.

 

“Take out, you mean you killed them?” The doctor said.

 

“What did you think we meant by neutralize them? Some creatures can be turned and healed, some there’s no choice for them, and they have to be taken as they are.”

 

“How do you avoid the law and the legal problems?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We’re in and out before the situation can be a problem.” Dean said.

 

Sam looked at him earnestly. “So the next time you have a little kid in here who tells you they’re afraid to go to sleep because of a monster lurking in their room. Keep us in mind. Keep in mind that a lot to times it may be their imagination, most of the times, thank God, that’s all that it really is. But on the rare occasion when we see a trend of murders or abuses that can be traced to a source outside the normal legal areas, we or others like us will be there.”

 

“Others like you.” Carriggan said leaning forward interested in spite of himself. 

 

“There are thousands of hunters like us across the globe; we don’t do what we do for pay. Some of us stop for a while like we’re doing right now and having a regular life for a while to just blow off some steam.” Dean answered. “You think we should be admitted for observation?” 

 

“No, no, I’ve seen too much to believe otherwise. You are going to have to cause me to investigate a whole new area of psychology, Para-psychology.” Carriggan said. “I live in the outskirts of town, I’m divorced, living in a three bedroom rambler, and sometimes when I’m outside I feel like I’m being watched.”

 

“Any other neighbours nearby?” 

 

“Oh yeah, sure, but this is like at 2 or 3 in the morning.” He looked at them a moment. “Sometimes this job doesn’t let one sleep normal hours.” 

 

Dean leaned forward smiling. “YOU see, we are in the same business you just don’t realize it. We hunt down monsters that are out there in the real world and really harm people; you hunt down monsters in the mind. Sometimes I don’t know which are the more dangerous.”

 

“They’re both insidious.” Carriggan said sitting back and looking as if he wanted to be onto any other subject.

 

“These are good men doctor, they are doing work that no one thanks them for, nor does anyone really believe they are capable of doing.” Castiel said.

 

“So you gonna turn us over to the cops?” Dean asked.

 

“No, no!” Carriggan immediately answered. “I can’t with the confidentiality laws in place. But I can recommend this. You’re job is intensely high stressed, for both of you, you need an outlet and that is each other. For now you’ve got jobs in town so you can take a break for a while. I’m not saying give up your work, but consider taking a longer vacation from it that just a month or so. Give yourselves time to heal and grow.”

 

“We’ll think about it doc.” There was a flurry of wings at it was the three of them in the office again. 

 

“I’ll never get used to that.” 

 

“Just remember one thing doc, just as there are angels, some which walk this old earth.” Sam said, “There are demons out there as well and I’m not talking about addictions, but real honest to God, demons. If you want we can teach you some of what we know in trade.” 

 

Dean gave him a look. “Sam…”

 

Sam waved his hand at Dean. 

 

“I’d like that. Perhaps we both can learn something.” Carriggan answered.

 

“Perhaps we can.” Dean said rising. “Our time’s about up isn’t it?” 

 

“For now.” He said then looked at them a moment, “Remember what I said, let yourselves grow. You might like the feeling. It sure as hell won’t suck as bad as beating yourself up over something which you have no control over. Homework. I don’t know your financial situation, I am guessing it’s sporadic, but try to decorate the place our are living in, in a style you both like. Keep it simple but work on making it more you and less whoever you’re renting from.”

 

“We can do this easy, throws are cheap.” Dean said with a smile. Dean and Sam slipped side by side shoulders touching as they walked to the door.

 

“And remember; don’t let your week away die away. Do everything you can to keep that feeling alive.” Carriggan watched them as they walked out of his office unsure of what the future was going to bring but was certain of one thing, it certain wasn’t going to be boring for a while.


	9. Chapter 9

“I absolutely cannot believe you got me into that store.” Dean said for what Sam would swear was the billionth time. 

 

“Look, it’s over and it’s done and admit it you enjoyed the trip.” Sam replied.

 

They were sitting in Carriggan’s office not squashed together on the sofa but sitting closer than they had been. The doc was privately cheering this accomplishment.

 

“Well they did have SOME cool looking shit in there.” Dean mouthed while Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“So I take it the redecorating is coming along?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Oh yeah, we buy the stuff, do up the house turn the receipts over to the landlord and he deducts it from our rent provided we agree to leave what we get. With regular jobs now it makes things a bit easier, though gotta admit I miss the time on the road.” Dean said.

 

The doc looked at them both, “Plan a road trip then. Get away for a week or whatever. Or take a weekend trip, something on your days off that you can do together.”

 

“That’s the kicker doc. There’s shit out there that needs our attention.” Dean said quietly.

 

“Is it stuff that can be taken care of by others?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Well yeah, but…” Dean began.

 

“You want to be back on the hunt again. That’s what you’re saying.” Sam finished for him.

 

“I could get spoilt to the kind of life we’re living but I know there’s shit out there that needs taking care of.” Dean argued.

 

“Have you had anyone beating down your doors recently trying to find you for a hunt?” Carriggan asked.

 

“No not really. Our, hell he may as well be our stepfather, Bobby came out for a visit last week. We had him for three days. He likes the changes. Even if he is uncomfortable with us being, you know, like together.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“He’s happy for us, he knows the pressure we’ve been under and agrees that sometimes a hunter just has to come off the road for a while.” Sam said.

 

“We’ve been off the road for four months now.” Dean said exasperatedly.

 

“What about your parents? Were they hunters as well?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah you could say it runs in the blood.” Sam said.

 

“Were they off the road when you were kids?” 

 

Dean mumbled, “Four years.” 

 

“What’s that Dean? I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.” Carriggan said smiling slightly.

 

“Four years, Mom insisted they come off the road when she had me.” Dean said flushing slightly.

 

“Four years, and you’ve only been off it four months. Would you say that the life of a hunter is like an addiction? Because I certainly would.” Carriggan held up hands. “I understand better what you do and why you do it. But you two have been doing this for over 20 years. Take a year or two off the road.”

 

“Already tried that.” Dean admitted.

 

“When did you two do that?” 

 

“It was a couple of years ago. It was a bad hunt, bad as they get, Sam and I got separated and well, I thought he was dead. Turns out he was missing in action. We hooked up again finally and we able to get a normal life back.”

 

“Normal, define that please?” Carriggan questioned.

 

“We uh, we did what we usually done, we’re good at it too, we uh kicked…some…” Dean paused. “Nothing about our life is ‘normal’ is it?” 

 

Carriggan grinned, “It all depends on your definition. Obviously you have two definitions in your mind, one of being on the road doing what you do best, and the other is living the plain day to day existence of people who are not superheroes.”

 

Sam shook his head. “We’re not super…” 

 

“Really. I picked up a couple of Chuck Shurley’s books this past week, did a little research of my own. You boy’s have led an most interesting life if half of what’s in the books are true.” Dean and Sam blushed in tandem. “I see.” The doctor said smiling. “Do either of you have trouble sleeping at night? What about, how do you react to a car backfiring or fireworks? Do you get angry at the drop of a hat and then can’t figure out what made you angry to start with?” He noted their looks growing graver and the flush deepening.

 

“You both are under the influence of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.” Carriggan said simply.

 

“I thought only war vets get that kind of shit.” Sam said shaking his head.

 

“Nope it can happen to anyone who has suffered a traumatic experience in their past. Tell me what are you afraid of, be truthful with me.”

 

“Falling.” Sam said.

 

“The dark.” Dean admitted shamed.

Carriggan turned to Sam first, “So what happened to you to make you afraid of falling?”

 

Sam looked at him and shook his head, “Sorry Doc there are some things on a need to know basis, and this, you don’t need to know.”

 

“Why not let me be the judge of that.”

 

Sam looked at the doctor levelly. “You already know enough weird shit to have us locked away for a long time. No this is my secret to bear. Let’s just say I fell from a great height, survived, and cannot abide the idea of falling period.”

 

“Was great height part of one of your hunts?” He asked then held up his hands. “Of course it was. It must’ve been pretty severe to cause you to develop a phobia about it.”

 

“Doc, I fell into a hole in the ground and ended up in hell. Literally.” Sam said angrily.

 

“Oh okay, I’m sorry I pressed you on this point. Hell as in the same place you were Dean?”

 

“No my hell was being burned alive again and again, tortured and tormented, and…” Sam turned away as tears spilled down his cheeks in memory of the event. Dean rubbed his back and sent the doctor a scathing look. 

 

Carriggan did look apologetic then he spoke. “My guess is that your fear of the dark stems from Hell as well?” Dean nodded slowly.

 

“You know what one of those immersion tanks are where you float on salt water and are in complete darkness?” 

 

“Yes I know what you’re talking about.”

 

“I was there but buried up to my neck in cold stone. This was punishment given to me between rounds.” Dean explained bitterly. Sam turned back wiping his cheeks and looking straight at the doctor. 

 

“So help me you ever make me go there again and I’ll…” He left the threat hanging.

 

“I’m sorry Sam. I know some of these memories are painful, I’m just getting you used to talking about them, because you’re tamping them down will only make the situation worse. You are building up a pile of garbage in your system if you don’t talk it out from time to time. That’s what I’m here for, to help you and guide you through the worst of this.”

 

“Doc, I wish there was a way to let you into my mind to allow you to see what happened to me. What I lived through. I really do.”

 

“So do I Sam, but currently the only way we can do this is through talking.”

 

“Or using a conduit.” Castiel said appearing in the room. Dr. Carriggan started at his entrance and he looked at the angel.

 

“What do you mean a conduit?” 

 

Castiel looked at Sam a long moment and then over at the doctor. “Simple I take Sam’s hand and yours you will see through my mind what happened to him in his mind. But I warn you doctor, what he endured is a horror beyond even your imagining. And I also swear to you that no doctoring of any of his thoughts will be done by me. These will be his purest memories. Have you ever read Lovecraft doctor? Or seen the play about Dr. Faustus. Neither are close.” Castiel stood and took Sam’s hand. Sam looked up at him with complete trust and love. He extended the other hand to the doctor. The doctor trembling reached and touched his hand to Castiel’s for a moment there was nothing then suddenly all three of them were glowing. The doctor opened his mouth in a soundless scream of terror then collapsed in his chair. “I warned the fool.”

 

He knelt before Sam who was trembling, shaking, and crying now, completely vulnerable, both Castiel and Dean grabbed Sam in an embrace that seemed to last an hour but was in truth a couple of minutes. Finally Castiel pulled from the embrace and checked on the doctor who seemed to just be coming around.

 

“Oh sweet mother of God!” The doctor said as he pulled himself up in the chair. He looked at Sam, “Do you have recurrences of these memories?” He asked shakily.

 

“Sometimes I do.” Sam admitted. “There’s nothing you can do short of giving me a heavy psychotic drug to null these memories. I’ll have to get these taken care of by a higher power.”

 

Carriggan looked at him, “Now I understand why you hunt. However with a vision like that you’d make a hell of a preacher.”

 

Sam laughed humorlessly, “Don’t think so.” Then he paused a moment before continuing. “That’s why I have a fear of falling.”

 

“So there are some things which make you vulnerable and you’re also fighting now to control that as well. Good, at least you’re fighting for something. Do you find it hard to go to sleep and stay there?”

 

“Now doc I’m not looking for sleeping pills.” Dean said adamantly.

 

“Not looking at prescribing you any. How are you doing on the regimen we gave you earlier?”

 

“Good…” Dean answered.

 

“Yeah been doing great!” Sam supplied. 

 

“Good, I want to up your Zanax by a tablet extra a day. You like music?” Carriggan asked apropos of nothing.

 

“Yeah but I’m into metal and Sam’s into light shit.” 

 

“So get an iPod to listen to when you’re out walking.” The doctor suggested.

 

“But then we can’t hear each other.” Dean argued. Then realized what he’d said.

 

“So you DO talk to each other about everyday stuff. This is good, there’s nothing wrong with that, conversation between you two should be an ongoing walk. Guys, I can continue to listen to you week after week, and we can talk like this but I think I’m going to space our visits out a bit. Give you some breathing room. And growing room.” Carriggan said with a smile. Sam what you shared with me earlier stays here, don’t worry about that. I think that if I spoke of it I’d be carted away. I’m also going to take some time out during the next two weeks myself and do some studying of the paranormal to make it easier for me to work with you two. Are you willing to work with me on this? I swear to you no hospitalization unless you absolutely need it, no incarceration in a mental facility unless you consent or are judge by the state to be a danger to yourself, even then I will personally oversee which institution is chosen. Are you willing to abide by that?”

 

Castiel looked at him from where he stood behind Sam. “You’ve made a rather solemn vow, do you mean to keep it?”

 

“I do!” The doctor swore “Sam is this acceptable?”

 

“Yeah I think so.” 

 

“Good you’ve both made a pact which you are expected to maintain. Breaking of the vow you’ve made doctor will carry stiff penalties.”

 

“Do you ever do anything without a threat?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Quite frequently. However, I have learned that for some reason human’s respond best to threat. I’m sorry if I offended you that was not my intent.” Castiel said politely. In a whisper to wings he was gone. 

 

“I’m yet to get used to him.”

 

“How do you think we feel?” Sam said with a smile. “Do you have something I can write on?”

 

“Sure.” He pulled a pad of prescription slips from his pocket and gave him a pen as well. 

 

“I’m giving you a short reading list of recommended books to check out to find out exactly what we hunt. The topics will sound exotic even unbelievable however, understand that we’ve got 20 years each hunting these creatures. They are VERY, VERY real.”

 

“I’ll take that into consideration. And doc, if you do decide to specialize in the paranormal look to be discredited by most of your friends. We were and are. It goes with the territory.” Dean said as they headed towards the door.


	10. Chapter 10

“Okay guys, in for your two week check up already. A few days early as well. What’s going on that I need to know about?” Dr. Carriggan asked concerned. 

 

Dean looked over at Sam a minute and then at the doc. “There’s a problem.”

 

“So I gathered, care to illuminate the area that the problem is lying?” 

 

Dean shifted uncomfortably, “I uh, well I found a lump when I showering the other day.”

 

“And…”

 

Sam looked at the doctor, “What he’s having difficulty saying is that the other day after we’d had sex we took a shower together. I was fine but he was complaining about his right nut hurting. So we got a appointment with a physical doc like right then. They wanted us in as soon as possible.” Sam took a deep breath and expelled it slowly.

 

Dean’s voice was choked as he spoke, “They found a lump on the testicle, they did an ultrasound and are interpreting it now. We’re supposed to know something in a few days.”

 

“So you’re thinking this might be something to be really concerned about?” Carriggan asked concerned now. “You’re probably thinking testicular cancer aren’t you?”

 

Dean only nodded numb. 

 

Sam looked at Dean for a minute and then at the doctor. “Doc, he’s slept 4 hours in the last 48, he’s not eating normal, and he complains of pain down there. We use an ice pack some when we are home. He’s worried that it’s something catching. So sex is a no-go for right now. Doc we’re scared shitless right now.”

 

Carriggan looked at them and nodded, “I understand. But you also realize this could just be a cyst?”

 

“We’ve investigated that possibility.” Sam mentioned.

 

“Is there any swelling?” Carriggan asked.

 

“A little, they’ve given me something for the pain but it’s working weird with my other meds.”

 

“How weird?” 

 

“I’m talking like I’m drunk, I stagger when I walk, that kind of thing.” Dean mentioned.

 

“You need to report that to your physician immediately. For right now let cut back to one Zanax . That may help.” Carriggan responded.

 

Dean sat there for a long moment blinking furiously then trying to look away . Finally Dr. Carriggan came to the rescue, “You’re scared. I understand that and if it were me I’d be a mumbling idiot right now. I’m allergic to pain you see.”

That drew a smile from both.

 

“But Dean, you’re focusing your stress inwards instead of getting rid of it.” Carriggan said soothingly.

 

Dean blinked wiped at his cheeks as he felt hot tears trickling down. Sam wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders and Dean brusquely shook it off. Wiping angrily at his face.

 

“What’s really eating you up is that suddenly you feel very, very vulnerable, don’t you?” Carriggan said as Sam threw his arm back around Dean’s shoulders and Dean coughed then bent double with harsh barking sobs. This went on for several minutes, then he got a breather, then he started all over again. Carriggan stood and got Sam to help lay Dean onto the couch. Which only made the flow that much harder. Carriggan began to realize what was happening. All the stress that he’d been accumulating was finally being leeched out of his system and it was making him raw. 

 

Suddenly Dean’s eyes rolled back in his head and the sobbing ceased replace by harsh barks of breathing as he suddenly started seizing. 

 

“On his side, quickly!” Carriggan ordered and Dean was immediately rolled sideways on the couch.

 

“Doc, what’s going on?” Sam asked concerned.

 

“This the an ultimate defense mechanism the body has for stress, when it gets too high several things can happen.” Carriggan spoke as he speed dialed the hospital for an ambulance. Dean was still caught up in the seizure, then when they thought he was going to choke he stopped and lay perfectly still.

“Don’t move him. Something like this is kind of like a hurricane, we may just be in the eye, there may be another one coming. As it is, the body can handle stress, extreme stress through shutdown or a breakdown, sometimes crippling depression, or sometimes seizures.” 

 

Sam noticed that Dean’s jeans were stained at the crotch. “That’s normal,” Carriggan reassured him. “Involuntary voiding of the bladder is symptomatic with a seizure.” Then suddenly he started again, this time the jerks seemed harder with more force behind them. He suddenly started gasping. Then Sam and Carriggan were relieved when paramedics entered with the work gear. Sam moved back as they moved in an assessed the situation. They were given instructions over their cell phone link to the hospital and started an IV on him with an injection of Ativan as well. Dean slumped and was suddenly unconscious. 

 

They prepared him for a quick journey to the local hospital. Sam rode over with them in the ambulance while Dr. Carriggan prepared for his next appointment ordering his nurse to inform him the minute a call came through with information on Dean. 

 

At the hospital Sam stayed well out of the way as the doctors worked on him, when Sam was finally allowed in to see him he was laying on the table with a nasal cannula in for the oxygen. Dean was still unconscious, his shirt was opened for EKG leads to be stuck to his chest just in case. He was breathing well now and suddenly his eyelids flickered as he started to come around. The attending physician looked at him intently.

 

“Dean…Dean…It’s Dr. Roberts, you’re in Mercy Medical Center. Dean, you had a seizure,”

 

Suddenly his breathing picked up severely. “Calm down bro, I’m right here with you okay?” Sam said from the sidelines. The breathing slowly dropped to a little faster than normal but better. 

 

Dr. Roberts started again. “Just because you had one means nothing, it’s probably just stress. Your blood pressure was pretty elevated earlier. But you’re going to be okay, we want to keep you overnight for observation and perhaps run and EEG tomorrow to scan your brain just to make sure nothing’s wrong topside okay?”

 

Dean nodded weakly.

 

“Can you tell me what the day of the week is?” Roberts asked.

 

“Wes-day” he slurred. The doctor nodded and smiled.

 

“Let’s get him some scrub pants in here for him to get him cleaned up.” Roberts told the nurse who hurried to obey. Dean looked questioningly, then finally felt the warm dampness. Dean flushed red from embarrassment.

 

Sam looked up at the doctor. “Can you give us a minute alone here?” 

 

“Sure. There’s wash cloths in the drawer by the sink.” Robert’s said looking at Dean and nodding. “You’re going to be allright this is a perfectly normal, annoying part of seizures. This will probably be the only one you have but we want to make sure, okay?”

 

Dean nodded. The doctor left them then for a few minutes to give Sam time to strip Dean from the waist down and wash him down. The nurse came in with the scrub pants and helped get him into them. 

 

“Thanks.” He croaked to the nurse. She smiled and nodded then left them. Dean looked up at Sam. “So what happened?”

 

“You finally popped the relief valve on that pressure cooker you got for a brain.” 

 

“What’s the chance of a repeated performance?” Dean asked concerned.

 

“I give you 0:100,000,000,000 provided you follow you’re my and Dr. Corriggan’s instructions.” Dr. Roberts said. 

 

“You internalize stress a lot don’t you, I meant you…”

 

“I know what you meant Doc. I’m not a third grader.” Dean groused.

 

“Ok, so you are aware of what I’m talking about, then you know that eventually you have to let it go, you can physically keep allowing it to build.” Roberts told him.

 

“I’ve been trying to do that.” Dean said.

 

“How? What have you been doing to get rid of stress?”

 

“I’m a construction worker.” Dean answered.

 

“Oh great, trade one stress for another.” Roberts commented dryly. “Anything you and your brother do together to relieve stress?” 

 

“Work out, go on walks, stuff like that.” Dean said dodging a bullet on part of that question.

 

“Doc we sometimes get into shouting matches over little things, I figured out long ago that was his way of shunting stress.” Sam told him. Dean shot him a glare.

 

Sam had taken his wallet and car keys out of his pants pockets and gave him that, then bagged up the trousers thanks to a nurse who was way on the ball. 

 

The doctor looked at the IV tree for a moment and then at Dean. “You look fit enough now for me to send home, but since this is your first one, I’m keeping you overnight. We’ll do an electroencephalogram this afternoon to get a better picture of just how your brain is acting.”

 

“I need to be at work tomorrow.” Dean griped.

 

“Call in. You’re taking a sick day.” Dr. Roberts said. Then turned and nodded to Sam and left the room, in a moment a male nurse came in pushing a gurney. After transferring Dean to that, disconnecting him from the EKG machine and getting IV tree they were ready to travel. 

 

It didn’t take long for them to get a room Sam pulled out his cell and phone Dr. Carriggan’s office.

 

“Hey, let the doc know that Dean is in room 420, okay thanks.” And that phone call was over Dean’s was next.

 

“Yeah, hey Bob, Dean here, I’m gonna have to be out the rest of the afternoon and tomorrow it looks like. Nothing major they just stuck me in over here at the hospital for a test they wanted to run. Wanna see if I got any brains at all or if it’s jello.” Dean said goodhumouredly. “Ok, great thanks! Yeah see you Friday.” And he hung up from his call then he settled back to discontentedly do the one thing that he absolutely hated the most, the one thing he despised. That was to wait. 

 

Sam let down one of the bed rails and sat down next to him then he reached out and started rubbing his chest absentmindedly. “How you feeling now?” He asked as he rubbed.

 

“Better, all I remember is sitting there, no, scrunched up there sobbing like a baby and then nothing until I woke up just before the paramedics got there.”

 

“You scare the shit outta of me bro. We’ve gotta work on something to help get this stress off you more.”

 

Dean looked up at Sam, “It part of the big brother job to take all the ills and bad things away from siblings. And to absorb any shocks that come along the way.” 

 

Sam gave him a cold, hard stare, “Not any more it isn’t from now on you’ll share the stress, we will work that shit together. That’s why we’re a fucking good team.” Then Sam chuckled, “Besides if Bobby ever got wind of you being in the hospital for something like this he’d be shittin’ kittens.” 

 

The both chuckled at the notion of Bobby finding out, then cringed at the same time.


	11. Chapter 11

  
Author's notes: Ramping up the tension a bit and adding a little side story to boot.  
_______________________________________________  


* * *

Dean woke up in a bit of a shock. First he wasn’t in his bed second he had some young thing taking his blood pressure. 

 

“It’s alright Mr. Winchester, I’m Robin, I’m your nurse on this shift, Dr. Roberts will be shortly, he’s doing rounds this morning.”

 

“First of all, call me Dean, please, second when can I get out of here?” He asked anxiously.

 

“That’s up to your doctor.” She said professionally smiling then she left. Sam was dozing in the chair next to the bed. 

 

“Hey sleeping beauty?!” Dean called out popping Sam on the cheek. Sam came up swinging and got a grin out of Dean. “Good you’re alert.”

 

“Fuck you. Oooh damn I’m sore.” He swore.

 

“Tried to get you to go home after I was settled in and you wouldn’t do it, so you’re stuck.” Dean said as the door opened.

 

“Good, good to see you awake.” Roberts said looking at a chart in his hand and smiling. “You had a basic psychophysiological seizure. It’s highly doubtful you’ll have a recurrence. I’ve already called Dr. Corriggan and informed him of the news so he’ll probably drop by this afternoon. You’re gonna be in a bit longer as your Urologist found out you were in and wants to speak with you. So he’ll be around in an hour or so. But we’ll get you out of here as soon as possible.”

 

“Thanks Doc.”

 

“That’s my job. Any questions?”

 

“Suggestions?” Sam asked.

 

“Meditation, yoga, less caffeine, less sugars, no smoking. Basic stuff.” Robert’s told them.

 

“I work construction doc.” 

 

“Yeah you told me that yesterday, well guess what? You’re going to continue working construction just with a different attitude. Think Karate Kid.”

 

“Oh shit. Go ‘way.” Dean grimaced.

 

“Thanks Doc.” Sam said as Roberts left chuckling to himself.

 

Breakfast was soon consumed and he at least got a shower in while Sam ran back to the Doctor’s office to get the Impala and get Dean a fresh change of clothing. Dean was just dressing out in his scrubs when there was a tap at the door. It was Dr. Pritkin, the urologist. 

 

“Hey Dean, didn’t expect to see you in here. But glad you are.” 

 

“That makes no sense unless you’re planning to cut on me.” 

 

“Lay down on the bed for me and loosen the scrub bottoms, please.” The doctor stepped forward pulling the privacy curtain as Dean climbed back into bed and followed procedure. The doctor did an exam and nodded to himself. “Did you check it this morning?” Pritkin asked.

 

“Yeah.” Dean said with some trepidation. They heard the door open and Sam call out. “It’s me.”

 

“Come on back free showing.” Dean said cheerfully.

 

Sam came back and saw the other doctor there and grew instantly cautious as he set the clothing on the chair. Finally the doctor stepped back and motioned Dean to dress again.

 

“It’s grown a bit since yesterday. The overnight change has me concerned so I’m going to go ahead and schedule you for a biopsy of that testicle. I’m unusually light on work right now so we’ll do that this afternoon.”

 

“How soon before we know what we’re dealing with?” Dean asked.

 

“Should be a few days if the lab’s not backed up. Dean I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m not going to just take a sample of the lump, I’m going to take the lump. And” He reached out and grabbed Dean’s shoulder. “Depending on the depth the lump goes it may mean me taking the testicle. “ Dean’s face crumbled in fear. “First off the success rate is VERY, VERY Good with this. Second, we’ll put an artificial teste in place so you won’t feel the difference. Last if you’re worried about how it’s gonna affect your sex life, get over that. It won’t unless you let your fear overweigh your confidence.”

 

“And if it is c-cancer?” Dean asked.

 

“Dean the lump is only on one side, the soreness as well. When I’m done there is like I said a VERY good success rate with this. Okay?”

 

Dean nodded numbly as the doctor stepped back. “Okay I’ll go do up the paperwork now, and I’ll let you know when we’re going to do this.”

 

“Okay.” Dean said hoarsely. The doctor nodded and smiled at Dean.

 

“Don’t start worrying yourself over this. It’s easily managed I promise you.” Pritkin said then left them. Dean turned to Sam, his eyes betraying his fear. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and bent down hugging him tightly. Dean did a good job of holding together for a few moments then he turned loose letting words and tears of frustration, fear and anger vent from him as he held onto his one main anchor. Sam leaned into the embrace and gently stroked his hair as he vented. 

 

“Dean this doesn’t change anything between us. I’m right here for you and I always will be.” Sam whispered as he hugged him. The tears subsided after a few minutes and he managed to get his collective shit pulled together. It took him a little while but he finally managed to “man-up” to the situation and maintain some semblance of control. He lay there for a moment and then looked at his watch then picked up his cell.

 

“Who you gotta call?” Sam asked concerned.

“Bob…Gotta let him know.” Dean dialed and it was several minutes but finally the phone picked up. Dean could hear the sound of pneumatic hammers in the background and knew he caught Bob on the job.

 

“Hey Bob! Dean here.”

 

“DEAN! Damn it boy where you at?”

 

“Still in the hospital they’re keeping me over a day to do a biopsy.”

 

“Wait a minute I can barely hear you.” There was a long pause then the sound of a truck door opening and closing. “There that’s better. Ok come again with this biopsy shit. What are they taking?”

 

“My right nut.” Dean said plainly. 

 

Bob laughed as if it were a joke. “Come man, don’t yank my chain I’m in the middle of a goddamn job out here.”

 

“I’m serious as a heart attack dude. They found a lump on my nut they don’t know if it’s cancer or not, so this afternoon I go in to have it zapped.”

 

There was dead silence on the line for a moment as it sunk in. “They thinking cancer?” Bob asked seriously.

 

“That’s one option.”

 

“FUCK!” Bob exclaimed

 

“Yep that about sums up how I’m feeling about it.” Dean answered.

 

“Ok, you got a job with me, we just got that condo job on Stratton and Peerless so that’s gonna keep us busy through the year. I wish I had 10 like you, but I’ll settle on getting you back on the job.”

 

“I’ll be back as quick as they let me out of here. This shit’s driving me buggy.” Dean said.

 

“Look, you concentrate on getting well, I’ll put in your paperwork and put you on short term disability until you get where you can handle a nail gun.”

 

“Thanks Bob you’re on in a million.”

 

“Fuck that, just get your ass out of there and get back to me when you can.” There was a bit of a pause. “Can we do anything for ya?”

 

“Yeah, actually you can.” Dean started seriously. “Joke with me about this when I get back to the job, tease me, prank me, whatever, just keep my mind off this shit.”

 

“What’s really going on Dean?” Bob asked seriously. 

 

“The doctor ain’t saying, but I’m thinking this shit could jump if it is the big C.” 

 

Bob’s voice took on a drill sergeants edge, “Now listen here you half-assed cod knocker, you get that fucking shit out of your head right now. That’s the last thing you need to be thinking on. You got me?”

 

“Yes sir.” Dean said obediently. “Bob just between you and me, I’m scared shitless.”

 

Bob toned down some, “I understand, I also know that worrying about it will only make it worse. So calm down, I’ll try to sneak you some beer in this evening.”

 

“Sounds like a winner.” Dean said. “Bring a couple of the guys and we’ll have a party.”

 

“Shit and get us kicked off the ward. No, might bring Juarez, he was asking about you today.”

 

“Spicer’s cool, bring him on.” Dean said joking. 

 

“Later dude.”

 

“You know it.” Dean said disconnecting the call. 

 

Dean lay the phone aside and looked at Sam who came back over to the head of the bed and sat down next to him. “Whatcha want me to do?” Sam asked quietly.

 

“Shave me.” Dean said seriously.

 

“You did that this morning when … oh down there.” Sam said looking at Dean. He nodded soberly and got the stuff together and pulled the curtain then pulled the sheet back. He was as gentle as if he were handling fine china but he got his pubes and balls shaved. “Kinka kinky but I like this look.” Sam said grinning. 

 

“You would.” Dean joked as well. 

 

The nurses were in an out checking him, a male nurse came in at one point to shave him and was informed the job was already done.

 

“Don’t think I don’t trust ya, but can I take a look just to be able to tell the doc?” The nurse asked.

 

“Sure the junks gonna be on display shortly anyways.” Dean joked some more. The nurse did check and was satisfied, then at 1:00 the anesthesiologist came around and explained that they were going to give him a basic nerve block for the surgery, he wouldn’t feel a thing.

 

“Can you just knock me out please!” Dean pleaded.

 

“Trust me the nerve block will work fine for you.” The nurse said looking anxiously at him.

 

“Ma’am I understand what you’re saying, but I’m going to lost a nut. I would prefer to be knocked out of it.”

 

“Okay sweetie full knock out it is. I’ll tell Doc. Pritkin. In that case let’s get you started down to surgery.” With that the nurse called for an orderly who came in and transferred Dean to a gurney and prepared to take him out. Sam walked around the bed and took his hand firmly they looked each other in the eyes for a moment then not giving a damn, Sam bent down kissing and hugging him furiously. I’ll be there when you come out I promise.” Sam said nearly in tears.

 

Dean was then taken out and Sam followed as far as he was permitted and then shown the waiting area for surgery patients. It was over a 3 hour wait but shortly the doctor came out and pointed to Sam who was immediately by his side. 

 

“We caught it in time. He’s gonna be fine, I’m just saying a prelim on this but it does look like a tumor of some type. I took the testicle replaced it with a prosthesis that is the same size and density, he’ll be in recovery for an hour or so then we’ll bring him to the room.” Pritkin said. 

 

“Can I be there in recovery when he wakes up? Please?” Sam asked.

 

Pritkin nodded, “You’re not the first to ask that you won’t be the last, come on back.” He said with a smile. “You two been together long?” Pritkin asked as he started back through the halls with Sam in tow.

“All our life. He’s my brother, and God help me, my lover, and he is always gonna be my best friend.”

 

“Sounds lyrical, but I like that. He’s gonna need the support from you right now. Like I said the lack of a testicle won’t affect sexual function. The serus fluid and tissue had not spread beyond the testicle so we got it all. I feel real good about this one, real good.” Pritkin praised as he took him into recovery where Dean lay sleeping peacefully on a gurney. “You can try to wake him if you want. It won’t hurt anything.”

 

Sam walked over and brushed Dean’s short hair back and looked at him sleeping. He bent down and gave him a warm kiss, and held it, in moments he could feel Dean responding to the kiss and smiling as he slowly woke. 

 

“Hey babe.” Sam said choked up.

 

“You just called me babe.” Dean whispered jokingly.

 

“You’re all mine.”

 

“God, but I love you.” Dean whispered again and then closed his eyes. Sam stood up wiping his eyes. Even the doctor seemed to have a speck of dust in his eye. Sam stayed with him for the hour until a nurse came in and successfully woke him. They got an 2 orderlies in there and moved him to his room. They helped him get into his bed and then left to give them some private time.

 

They just looked at each other for several long minutes not saying a word then Dean shifted a little and his eyes started to close.

 

“Sleep Dean, I’ll be right here with you.” And Dean took the advice and fell into a sleep. It was around 6:00 that they came around with the dinner cart and Dean was ravenous. He cleaned his tray and was wanting more, when Bob, tall and stocky, came in with Juarez, a short Hispanic man carrying a sack. 

 

“Figured you’d be hungry so we brought you a burger.”

 

“Gimme.” Dean said eagerly. He bit into it and grinned. Then Juarez brought out a Tecate beer and a cup, he popped the top and poured him some. 

 

“Here Gringo, something to put hair on your balls!” He told him laughing. Sam and Dean joined in on the joke. 

 

“So is it like a fake tit or something?” Bob asked.

 

“Too sore for me to do a touch and tell.”

 

There was a tap at the door and Doc Pritkin looked in. “Oh you got company, it can wait.” 

 

“No Doc! Hold up, come on in and join the party.” Dean said quietly boisterous.

 

The doc walked over to his bed and eyed the cup of beer critically but said nothing. “Okay, you can through that with flying colours, I see no reason to hold you over beyond tomorrow. Besides you’ll heal faster in your own bed.”

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean told him. 

 

“Part of my job, we’ll do a release on you say around 10:00 tomorrow.” 

 

“Sounds like a winner!” Dean exclaimed.

 

“But I’ll want to see you in my office in two days for a follow up. No lifting for right now, you can ease back to that in about a week, but no heavy lifting for at least two weeks.”

 

“Heavy as in what?” Dean asked.

 

“40-50 pounds.” The doc told him.

 

“Oh okay cool. What about work?”

 

“Take at least a week, 10 days of rest, then you can ease back into that. But no heroics.” Pritkin said.

 

“We’ll handle him like a china doll.” Bob smirked. Pritkin laughed and nodded. 

 

“Good enough, see you in the morning then.” Pritkin said as he left. 

 

They room turned back to good comradery and a good visit by all until around 8:00 when Dean was starting to tire again. Bob and Juarez made their exit leaving him and Dean. Dean slid over in the bed and patted the mattress next to him. Sam immediately crawled into bed with him throwing an arm protectively over his chest. Dean grinned and sighed and in a few minutes was asleep.

 

Morning came with two doctors visiting him. Dr. Pritkin came around with the release paperwork which they took care of. He advised Dean to wear the scrubs or sweat pants for at least 10 days to give the incision time to heal. Then as Pritkin left Carriggan came in.

 

“Dean, Sam, good to see you boys. So how’s it going?” 

 

“Well for a one balled tom cat pretty damn good.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“You really feel that way don’t you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, I do. I feel the loss, and that’s nagging at me, but otherwise I’m feeling pretty damn good about things right now.” He told Carriggan.

 

The doctor nodded and smiled. “Good, then our sessions have done some good. You’ve got a challenge now though. You’d got 10 days of relative inactivity. You’re going to be bored and you’re going to try and do things you shouldn’t be careful, that all I can say. And work on you two. You’re going to be exposed to each other for long periods of nothing. You’re going to get bored with each other and you’re going to fuss.”

 

“No, we may fuss, but we won’t be bored, I called Bobby this morning, a friend of ours in South Dakota, we more like a surrogate father. He’s coming out to be with us for a while. So things aren’t going to be dull.” Sam said with a grin. “Of course Bobby about took my head off when I told him, Dean was in the hospital. But we got it worked out. There’s some field work that needs researching and that and a laptop will keep Dean occupied for a while.”

 

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. Well, I’ll plan on seeing you for our regular session next Thursday afternoon at 2:00 okay?” Carriggan said.

 

“It’s a date.” Dean said with a grin. Sam walked over and sat on the bed by Dean and gave his brother a massive hug. 

 

“I’m going to prescribe at least 6 of those a day until further notice.” Carriggan said with a laugh as he headed to the door.

 

It was three more hours but Dean was finally home, in his own bed, well at least their bed for now, taking a nap. Sam was in the kitchen getting a stew together for supper as well as leftovers for a while. He was in the middle of all this when there came a knock at the door. He ran through to answer it and it was Juarez with his wife both carrying huge dishes. 

 

“You don’t need to be in the kitchen all the time.” His wife Maria said with a grin. Sam gratefully took the food, then Juarez disappeared and came be in with a suitcase of Tecate beer and a sack of limes. “He needs some liquid refreshment too.” Juarez said with a grin.

 

“Thanks guys.” 

 

“Hey, who’s that?” Dean called from the bedroom. Maria rushed around and saw him starting to sit up in the bed and she was over in a heartbeat fluffing extra pillows for him to lie on. 

 

“You call and tell me if that gringo boyfriend of yours don’t take care of you.” She said warningly. 

 

“Yes ma’am.” Dean said dutifully.

 

“It’s good to see you so spry.” She noted.

 

“It’s good to feel so spry.” Dean replied as he, Juarez, Maria and Sam shared some beer and good conversation.

 

“You won’t be doing not bronco riding for a while.” Juarez joked and Maria punched him in the arm scandalized. “What, he was the one who told us he wanted to be cut up with like that.” Then he bridled as Maria started off in a spat of Spanish at him.

 

Dean held up his hands and she stopped and looked at him. “Look if you’re gonna cuss him out give me a translation. I know some Spanish, but I love the gutter talk.” He joked. She huffed and stared at him a moment, then grinned.


	12. Chapter 12

“Well Dean, Sam, this marks an even dozen visits you made to me, we’ll count the trip I made to hospital to see you. You’re looking fit. How are you feeling?”

 

Dean shifted slightly on the sofa grimacing slightly at the post surgical pain. “Better, they got the lab results in on that lump and the doctor called it an Embryonal Carcinoma. Whew I managed to get that mouthful out.”

 

“That’s a fairly aggressive form of testicular cancer.” Carriggan observed.

 

“Yeah he said that they caught it in time but he wants to have an oncologist take a blood test and help me keep an eye on my lymph nodes.” Dean said.

 

“How have you both been handling this?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean looked at Sam who was looking slightly haggard. “Sam?” Carriggan started.

 

“I’ve been doing the worrying for the both of us. My mind keeps playing with me, tossing the worst case scenarios at me, day in and day out. I’m doing better now, but the first few days after the diagnosis came out, admittedly we were both basket cases. Thank God that Bobby had come up for a visit. He’s staying with us right now to help us through the tough spots.”

 

“He’s your friend from South Dakota?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, he’s basically our stepfather.” Dean acknowledged.

 

“Getting back to you for a moment Dean, have you started back to work?” Carriggan asked looking at him interestedly. 

 

“Just did this week. I can handle a finishing nailer so he’s got me on some light duty nailing. I’m working about 4 hours a day for right now. He didn’t want to start me back this quick.” Dean admitted.

 

“You changed his mind.” Carriggan said as a statement of fact.

 

“He was going nuts staying home, I kept getting in his way trying to help and it was just best all around that Bob let him come back for a half day.” Sam said dryly.

 

Carriggan sat there for a moment and watched the two interact as Dean argued lightly that he didn’t think that Sam was all that underfoot, and Sam argued that he was trying to do too much finally Carriggan held up his hands.

 

“Has this affected your sex life any?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m too sore for what I’d like to do and I don’t what to bounce things around and possibly set up an infection so we’ve just resorted to uh…oral sex.” Dean said blushing slightly.

 

Carriggan laughed, “I’m not your father you’re admitting this too. Think of this as a locker room. Be yourself that the idea I’ve tried to impress in you two from day one.”

 

“Think this is going to affect your life as a hunter?” Carriggan asked each of them.

 

“It’s going to definitely slow us up a bit. I want to be fully healed up before I go back out into the field.” Dean said decisively.

 

“Sounds like a sound plan, what are your thoughts Sam?” 

 

“My job’s keeping me busy most of the day so I don’t have much time to think about things, they gave me some time off when he had his surgery and stuff, but I’m back full time and Bobby’s helping with taking care of the house for us.” Sam said.

 

“So it sounds like things are working out pretty well for you.” Carriggan noted.

 

“There’s one snag.” Dean said looking down for a moment. The looking back up at Carriggan with abject fear in his eyes. “What do I do if this isn’t all? What if this shit’s spread somewhere else? What if…”

 

“Dean” Carriggan interrupted the flow a moment, “The world’s shakiest bridges are built with what if’s. You’re a strong person, you’ve shown that. You and Sam have a sound, strong relationship, maybe you should kick it to the next level and take on these dragons.”

 

“Killed them before as well, real bitches let me tell you.” Dean said not jokingly “I’m just scared doc.” Dean said his voice like that of a small child who is facing a malevolent monster.

 

“It’s good to be a little afraid of the unknown. But to give in totally to your fears is stepping backwards. Are you afraid that Sam will leave you?”

 

“No, not that.” Dean said slightly dismissively.

 

“That’s not a very strong reply there Dean. Sam how do you feel about this?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Hurt,” Carriggan didn’t stop him. “I thought we were a team that we were more than just brothers, not you’re acting like on the outside looking into this. And I’m not, I’m riding this every step of the way with you. I’m as scared as you are Dean. Maybe a little moreso because I’ve always been the one who thinks things through, I’m the one who’ll take a thought and worry it to death and then a little further.” Sam stiffened in his chair, “You may drop me by the roadside but I’m not going to walk away.”

 

“You make it sound like I’m pushing you away.” Dean groused.

 

“You are, you’re worried about this, so am I, you’re the one living with the actuality, I’m the one living with that one. I think I got a perfect right to feel the way I do.” 

 

Dean looked away for a moment, “I know you want to hang with me in this, and you’re right I’m the one that has to live with this. You’re just stuck with being the one who gets to come along for the ride.”

 

“Dean do you love Sam any less for feeling like this?” Carriggan asked.

“N-No fuck no!!” Dean blurted loudly. “I’d never do that.”

 

“Maybe you need to tell him.”Carriggan said nodding to Sam who was looking distant for a moment. Dean turned to him and grabbed him by the face with both hand concentrating his gaze on him. 

 

“Sam you know I ain’t shit for words where it comes to talking about my feelings, I never have been and probably never will be, but I LOVE YOU. Only You. And will always care for and love you.” A tear tracked his cheek now. “I need you with me Sammy. I can’t do this alone.” Dean stated firmly. 

 

Then Sam reached up and grabbed the hands tightly. “Then let me in occasionally, not all the time, you need private time too. But quit shutting me out.”

 

“Suck it up! I haven’t been shutting you out.” Dean charged then his face froze. “Have I?” He said in question.

 

Carriggan smiled thinly for a moment and looked at Dean. “Dean pardon me for interrupting this with an observation. However, usually and in my experience it’s a case of if you have to ask then whatever you’ve supposedly done…you’ve done.”

 

Dean looked slight shocked for a moment and dropped his hands with Sam still holding on. Sam shook his head and smiled slightly. “I know you’re no good with chick-flick moments, you hate girly talk, and god forbid you show your feelings outside of the bedroom. But for just once, listen to what I’m saying. I know you’re going through a helluva time, I’d be shocked if I even thought you were taking this one on the chin like you seem to do everything else. But let me help you.”

 

“Sam, this is the one time when…”

 

“Yes I can, you just won’t let me.” Sam told him. Then settled the argument by pulling Dean into a hug and forcing him to hold the hug. After several moments he melted a little and started to respond to the hug and relax. Then he buried his face in Sam’s collar and in his own code of manhood disgraced himself by breaking down in heart rending sobs. 

 

Sam cradled him and held him until at last the sobs diminished to a series of harsh barking coughs of emotion, then that even dissipated to silent tears. The doctor offered a box of tissues which Sam gratefully took. 

 

Then the doctor laughed. He actually laughed, a hearty full throated laugh. Dean looked up at him sourly his tears still streaming. Then the laughter tapered off and he looked at Dean. “I’ve had much bigger men than you break down and cry in my office, you won’t be the first nor the last. But Dean,” He said sobering. “You need to talk to Sam about your feelings about this. Hell for that matter you need to talk to your surrogate father as well. You NEED a support base right now. It’s good to laugh and cut up about this, to make crude jokes and innuendo, but you also need to have a group of people who you can let your hair down with. If you only feel comfortable with your true feelings around Sam and Bobby then fine, but don’t try to ride this out alone. For one it’s a helluva ride to attempt alone and two it’ll result in you doing damage to yourself one way or another.”

 

Sam looked at Dean and pulled him into a hug, fierce and protective, filled with love and support. Sam gave the doctor the start of a dirty look then he understood where the doctor was going with his speech and became more tolerant. Finally after the tears abated and Dean felt his emotions settling down a bit more he looked at the doctor and started to say something but was caught out and was speechless for a long moment.

 

“Dean…these emotional bouts like this are going to hit you from time to time. It’s only fair to warn you. You’ll be going along fine then something on TV or something you hear in passing conversation will set you off. You’ll probably not have a crying fit every time but you’ll have enough of them to make you wonder about your sanity and guess what. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. I’d be shocked if you didn’t. So what I’m going to do is take a look at your drug profile and make a few adjustments, nothing drastic, but I think we can add something to help take the edge off without causing any side effects. “ 

 

Carriggan stepped over to the credenza in the office and sat down by a laptop, then he motioned absently to the refrigerator. “Help yourselves to a beer, oh and get me one while you’re in there.” He said then turned after a few moments taking the offered brew. He looked at Dean and smiled, “You’re already on a good dose of Zanax and I don’t want to mess with that, you take that late in the day so I want to start your day off with something to perk you up a bit. I’m going to try you on, don’t cringe, Prozac. And I want you to do something for me, well more for you, but you’re going to feel these negative feelings crop up, hell you’re probably used to them already. But they’re going to be harsher, I’ll go ahead and warn you now. So go ahead and prepare for it. Which means, no heavy boozing, in fact, nothing heavier than beer while you’re on these meds. You’re body will fight you on this if you do. A little bit of whiskey now and then won’t kill you, but binging will cause serious adverse reactions to this medication. This also means you are not to self medicate, don’t go thinking you can skip a dose because you’re feeling really good. You’re defeating the purpose of all of this if you do.” The doctor took a long pull at the beer in his hand. Then he looked at Dean and then at Sam. “Sam your job is to see that he does his job. I know you both are upset over this diagnosis. But until you get word otherwise don’t assume the worst. I’ve often found that negative thoughts can directly affect the bodies capabilities to fight a situation. My last words of wisdom to you both. Get in a support group. Any Cancer support group will do, but get in one that is positively driven. You’re not looking for a pity party but for a group that is drive by positive thinkers.”

 

“Doc, I don’t do well with the over positive folks.” Dean admitted.

 

“What you need Dean is information, these groups will help provide that for you.” He looked at them, “Get with other hunters who may be riding the C train. The fact that yours was localized and isolated like that is a godsend. Look at it that way.” Carriggan told him. Then he stood but Dean and Sam sat for a moment. 

 

“Can we have a moment before we go out?” Sam asked Carriggan. The doctor smiled with his hand on the knob. 

 

“Take all the time you need. I can use my other consulting room.” He said smiling. “And remember just because you’ve had it don’t mean that you’ll have it.” With that he left them alone. 

 

Dean looked at Sam, “Sammy, I am real sorry if I pushed you away.” He apologized sheepishly.

 

“Dean its okay, that’s just the way you’re wired. But we got to look at that wiring now. Things have changed and well…it’s just not as simple anymore.”

 

After several minutes they tossed their empties in a lidded waste basket and left the room to join Bobby in the waiting room. 

 

“He must’ve found that crazy gene inside you both to take this long.” Bobby said with a smile.

 

“It wasn’t that hard to find…let’s go home.” Dean said quietly.

 

Bobby gave him a look. “Son, I take it we’re gonna have a lot to talk about later.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean breathed as they left.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam and Dean nervously sat in the waiting room of this new doctor’s facility. They had seen so many over the past month they were starting to think they were much older than they were. The nurse finally ushered Dean in leaving Sam sitting there for a moment until the nurse came back with a disapproving look. He could only imagine what Dean had said to her but it evidently wasn’t all politeness and cheer.

 

After the triage she left them in an examination room . They exchanged a look when Dean broke the silence.

 

“I’m a little nervous about all of this.” He admitted sheepishly.

 

“You’re nervous!?” Sam asked and admitted of himself at the same time. The door opened then and a tall, African-American man entered. “Dr. Samuelson?” 

 

“That’s me. You’re…?”

 

“Oh sorry,” Sam said, “I’m Sam this is my brother Dean.”

 

“Okay what I’ve done is get a readout from the hospital charts of your blood work while you were in hospital. I’m going to take another sample today and we’re going to run most of the same tests plus a few on it. Then next time you’re in here in about a week, I’ll be able to have a better picture of just what we’re dealing with.” He said smiling. “So you had a testicle removed with an Embryonal Carcinoma?”

 

“Uh yeah.” Dean said creasing his brow. “Well I’ve seen the lab results from the cross section done of the tumor and the examination of the rest of the testicle. It would appear that the tumor while feeling like the size of your thumb was in fact, about the size of a pea. That’s not to diminish the seriousness of the situation. The root of that tumor went deep into the testicle. But that and the tissue samples around the scrotal wall tells me that they got it. Now we’re going to make sure you don’t have any surprises pop up anywhere else.”

 

“Can this cancer jump?” Dean asked.

 

“Do you mean could you get a similar tumor on your other testicle; yes you could. Is it likely to happen, no, the likelihood of that happening is low.” He pulled on a pair of rubber gloves then asked for Dean to take down his trousers.”I’d like to examine the surgical site and I want to check your prostate while you’re in here.” He laughed as Dean made a face. “Not fun for me either but all your glands are involved in this right now and I want to cover all the bases I can touch immediately.” 

 

Dean dropped his trousers and underwear the doctor looked over the incision site. Nodding he smiled. “The did a clean job of it and you’ve healed really good. “ The he looked up at Dean. “Have you been shown how to do a self examination?”

 

“I haven’t so much been shown as I researched it on line and watched a video of how to do it.” Dean admitted.

 

“Then you get the general idea. What I’d like to do as long as I’m down here is to examine your other testicle.”

“My nuts are in your hands doc.” Dean said trying to inject a little humor into it.

 

“Yes and I want to make sure what’s behind door number 2 is safe.” Dr. Samuelson said with a grin. Dean grunted as the doctor probed the surface of the other testicle and then he breathed a sigh of relief when he doc let go. The doctor had him standing for all this so now he made a turnaround gesture with finger as he got some lubricating jelly off the counter. 

 

Sam had to hide a smirk at this and fought laughter as the doctor instructed him to take a deep breath that the exam would be over in a moment. The doctor didn’t gentle his way in but pressed with even tension and as he heard Dean yelp he let out a snigger that he failed to muffle.

 

“Just wait oh young waif of an OUCH brother of mine. You’ll get yours.” Dean groused. Then he let out a yelp as the doctor found the gland and was examining it. When he was finished he pulled his finger out and stripped off his glove putting a box of tissues on the examination table for Dean to clean up with. 

 

“Well you have a very healthy prostate, not enlarged, so you clean up and get dressed then we’ll get the blood drawn.” Samuelson said.

 

Dean already had his pants up and zipped by the time the doctor stood. “I’ll have a nurse come in and draw the blood then we’ll get that checked. I’ll see you again in a week with the results.

 

“Thanks doc. It’s been a helluva first date.” Dean joked. 

 

“You handled that better than most, usually they either get an erection or ejaculate during the examination.” He said laughing a bit as he left.

 

This doctor’s visit almost over they talked over the visit they would make next to Dr. Carriggan’s. 

 

“How did you manage to get the day off?” Dean asked. 

 

“My boss knows what’s going on, well, she knows enough to know that we need to be together on some of our appointments.” Sam said.

 

The nurse then came in and drew three vials of blood and finally let him go with a swab of cotton and strip of tape over the crook of his elbow.

 

Sam drove them over to Carriggan’s and was in the waiting room when his phone went off it was Bobby.

 

“Yeah” Sam answered.

 

“You boys gonna have to fend without me for a little while, I’ve got called up to help out on a job not far from here.”

 

“Do you need any help?” Sam asked.

 

“Nah, just a simple salt and burn. Don’t know why Titus is making such a fuss about this one. But I’ll go over and check it out with him. I’m supposed to meet him the day after tomorrow in California.”

 

“Will that heap of yours make it that far?” 

 

“Made it here, it’ll make it there. See ya in a few days.”

 

“Okay Bobby, take care of yourself.” Sam replied.

 

“Always do.” Bobby replied.

 

He hung up and and looked at Dean. Then in a tone meant only for Dean he said, “Bobby’s got to go outta town, a job interview.”

 

Dean nodded and sat back. They had to wait a little longer than normal this time and when they saw the mother and young son coming out from the back they understood why. Whatever his demons were they were considerable from the look of misery on his face. Dean’s heart went out to him then another patient was called back and finally it was Dean and Sam’s turn.

 

“Sorry about that guys, this has been a helluva day. It started off with me getting a call about a patient in ER and ended with me being an hour behind in all my appointments.” He said. 

 

“Grab one doc.” Dean pointed towards the refrigerator. He walked over and came back with three. Passing one each to Sam and Dean he sat down and looked at them popping the top to the can. “Cheer lads, to better days.”

 

“Amen to that.” Dean said with a smile.

 

“So tell me did you think about the support net I talked to you about last time?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I did and I’m going to keep my net small. I went to one support group meeting and left after ten minutes. The leader of the group of so sugary is was sickening. I can get better support in a bar.” Dean said not sugarcoating anything for the doctor.

 

Carriggan nodded and then sat back in his chair and looked at them. “How about at home? Are you starting to let Sam help you out some?” 

 

“It’s hard doc, I’ve always had to look out for myself then I had Sam to look out after, now he’s having to help look out for me. It’s hard to do.” Dean admitted.

 

Carriggan nodded and thinned his lips momentarily and then looked at them. Is Bobby helping to ease some of the load as well?”

 

“Yeah, we had a go to Jesus meeting that night after we left here. I was a mess by the time it was over but a lot got aired out and we’re still family.”

 

“Good, good, I understand that today was your first appointment with your oncologist, what’d you think of him?” 

 

“Longest damn middle finger in North America!” Dean shot. “I’m a little sore after that exam.”

 

“Thought you’d be used to that.” Carriggan said with a grin. Dean made a sour face in return and laughed.

 

“I’m used to them with some preparation and a little teasing first. This driving straight in for the goal sucks.”

 

“Welcome to the doctor’s world.” Carriggan said with a grin. 

 

“Other than that everything went well, checked me over and took some blood, damn vampires.” Dean groused.

 

“So are you back to a near full day at work?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I’m up to three days a week at 6 hour shifts, then two days at 4 hour shifts. I’m pretty whacked out by the end of the day but that’s life in the construction business. He gave me a nail gun and I’m putting it to use.”

 

“How’s the Prozac treating you?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“Makes me hyper as hell. Like I’m on a speedball or something.” Dean admitted.

 

“Okay, let’s cut that out for now. I don’t want you operating anything close to a nail gun if you’re feeling like that.” Carriggan made a note on a pad. Then looked to Sam. 

 

“How are things with you?” He asked.

 

“Better, I’m feeling used more now” Sam answered

 

Good feeling?” Carrigan asked. 

 

“Better than the dicky way I was feeling. At least now we’re talking more about stuff that really matters and about feelings.”

 

“God yes, I feel like I’m living with Dr. Phil.” Dean commented.

 

“Not necessarily a bad thing.” The doc added.

 

“That depends on if you’re the victim or not.” Dean answered.

 

The doctor looked curiously at Dean for a moment and smiled disarmingly. “How are you both doing emotionally? Don’t lie to me Dean.” Carriggan said with a grin.

 

Sam started. “I gotta admit that the first few days out of the hospital and at home were tricky, We had a lot of company coming and going from my job and Dean’s. Dean threatened to get me a French maid’s outfit because I was so busy just trying to keep the place looking decent.”

 

“How was it for you Dean?” Carriggan asked.

 

“It wasn’t too bad the first couple of days but then I’d have to beg off because I was just exhausted. I wasn’t doing nothing but all the people coming and going was wearing me out. So Bob brought me back on the crew when I could be up and around for a while. He had me on clean up duty, light stuff. Then I got back to being a nailer.”

 

“Thank God for that!” Sam said the looked at the doctor’s look. “He was about to drive me batshit at the house so I was grateful to have a couple hours, then four hours, now six and four of peace.”

 

“I wasn’t that bad…was I?” Dean asked.

 

“I was really put out the first couple of days at home because all the company was wearing him out, then we had to deal with the mood swings.” Sam said.

 

“Ah yes, how are those going?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean thought a moment before punching Sam In the arm, “I figured you’d have a ready answer. Anyways, they’re going better than they were. I’m still riding the roller coaster but the regular meds you got me on are helping.”

 

“Well the Prozac may have been acting against your Abilify, so up that one to an extra half tablet in the morning.”

 

“So it’s hunt and peck with this?” Dean asked.

 

“Sort of. We know the Abilify works with you, maybe a little more will help stabilize your mood.”

 

“He’s not having as many crying jags now.” Sam offered to Dean’s scandalized look.

 

Dean cleared his throat. “Okay so the first week…”

 

“You still are…” Sam interrupted.

 

“Shut up.” Dean barked, “Okay so I get real tired and real depressed and I’ll go on a bender with the water works.”

 

“That’s only natural, Dean.” Carriggan said.

 

“Not for me it isn’t. I’m not that big of a cry baby.” Dean said grumping.

 

“Dean, tears don’t mean weakness. That’s your body’s way of shunting the poison out of your system, and depression is poison.” Carriggan told him plainly.

 

“Dr. Samuelson took a blood sample today so by next week oughta have some news as it is he said the tissue samples from the scrotum looked clean.” Dean told him.

 

“That’s great news, maybe then the tumor was localized in just the testicle.” Carriggan said.

 

“I’m hoping that’s the case.”

 

“What can I say Dean?” You’ve got to work through this yourself, but I’m here to help guide you. I know it’s not an easy path. Dean I’m a prostate cancer survivor! It can happen and it can be cured. You just gotta believe it.”

 

“Oh shit, sorry doc…” Dean exclaimed. 

 

Carriggan waved it away, “We’re here to talk about your problems, not mine, and like I said I’m a survivor. They knocked mine out, yours is in a different spot but immediately treatable. So has things improved in the bedroom?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Much, I’m able to be dominant it I take it slow, and can be the receiver if I’m straddling Sam.” Dean said still embarrassed at talking about their bedroom situation as boldly but getting more comfortable with the doc.

 

“That’s good. How about for you Sam?”

 

“I take it slow so I don’t hurt Dean.”

 

“May I recommend to you both a copy of The Joy of Gay Sex? The book has a myriad of positions you could try that would, I believe, be satisfying and workable considering your situation. “

 

“I’ll look that one up.” Sam said. 

 

“It’s been out for a while, just about any good bookseller should have a copy on the shelf.” Carriggan recommended. “How’s your eating habits?” 

 

“Talk about a change in topic!” Dean exclaimed. “Uh, Sam’s pushing healthy food choices at me so now it’s turkey or soy burgers instead of beef, baked potatoes instead of fries. That kind of thing.”

 

“And it’s about to drive you up the wall.” Carriggan stated.

 

“You can tell?” Dean said plainly.

 

Carriggan laughed and walked over to a cabinet and bent down he fumbled for a few minutes and came back with a brochure. “Omaha Steaks. There a mail order business, I recommend checking out the Elk and Boar. You get the meat your body is craving without some of the byproducts in beef. And if you want the occasional beef hamburger there’s nothing wrong with that. Just try to limit yourself. How about the alcohol consumption?”

 

“I treat myself to one shot of whiskey about every two or three days.”

 

“As long as you’re drinking at home you can have a shot a night. Just be prepared because it will interact with the medication in your system and make you real sleepy fast. It’ll also make you a cheap date. One shot is about all you can handle right now isn’t it?” 

 

Dean nodded and sat back in the sofa a bit more. I drink my shot then head for bed. I’m out like a light in no time flat. 

 

“That’s why I suggest doing this at home. If you’re out and want a drink get an O’Douls or a similar non-alcoholic beer or give Guinness a try, some people find that a bit strong but the alcohol content is about the same as a regular beer, there’s just enough malt in it to help your kidney’s process it better.”

 

“There’s one thing that’s nagging me.” Dean said.

 

“Go on.” Carriggan prompted.

 

“I can’t…I’m afraid if I say it it’ll happen. I’ve had shit like that happen to me before.” Dean said frustrated.

 

“He’s afraid that this cancer is in his lymph nodes.” Sam said voicing what Dean was afraid of.

 

“Ah, been reading the internet haven’t you?” The doctor grinned. “Listen to Doc Samuelson and let the rest be. He knows more about the cancer you have than some of the sites on the web. Personally I’d ban those sites because they serve more disinformation or work to scare my patients than they help. But First Amendment rules.” Carriggan paused a moment then, “Well we’ve come quite a ways from where we started on the first visit, so tell me, are you settling into this life or craving the open road again?”

 

“Sounds corny as this sounds, hell as girly as this sounds.” Dean started. “With Sam with me I can adjust to about anything. Doesn’t mean I want to give up hunting, I’m looking for local jobs now. Something easy to handle and in a day’s drive.”

 

“Doesn’t sound corny or girly at all. I think you’ve got a good man in your brother. You’ve got a helluva support network between him and this Bobby, but give some other groups a chance. Not all of them are so sugary.” Carriggan noted. “How are things going with your public displays of affection?” 

 

“They’re not. Dean is a touchaphobic, he’ll let me hold his hand now and then, but there are times…”

 

“I know there are Sam, but I’m just not comfortable with that you know?” 

 

“The guys on your crew know that you and Sam are sexually active?” Carriggan asked.

 

“They sorta picked up on that early on. I got kidded about it and well it’s all a big joke now.” Dean said.

 

“Have you come out with them?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Uh no, no I haven’t.” 

 

“But they suspect?” Carriggan said standing up and walking over to his credenza a moment.

 

“Are you ashamed of your relationship with me?” Sam asked suddenly.

 

Dean looked at the Doc for help. The doctor gave him a look that was a patent, ‘you dug yourself in, dig yourself out.’

 

“Are you afraid to come out with them?” Sam asked his brow furrowed in anger now.

“No, it’s not that. And I’m not ashamed of what we got.” Dean started.

 

“Fine then if you’re not ashamed of us and you’re not afraid to come out to them then let’s have a party tomorrow night, invite the crew and then you and me come out to them.”

 

“HUH!?” Dean exclaimed.

 

“Excellent idea Sam.” Carriggan said smiling. Dean looked back and forth between the two of them for a moment as if they said ‘let’s kill a baby and eat it.’

 

“Now wait a damn minute.” Dean started but Sam got into his face.

 

“No! You wait a fucking minute. I’ve come out to the crew I work with, they’re cool with it, in fact they want to meet my boyfriend, they don’t even know who that is, so your secret identity is safe with me. I’m tired of living half a life!” Sam said plainly.

 

“Sam, Doc, oh, uh, oh shit!” Dean barked. Finally Dean’s shoulder’s caved. “Fine we have a party but we invite my crew and yours, we’ll do a bar b que, Juarez and Maria will help with that they love that shit. But we give it a couple of days.”

 

“Why so you can figure a way to back out?” Sam asked.

 

“Sam! No! I don’t want to back out!” 

 

“Then we party, day after tomorrow. We’ll have a potluck and a bar-b-que. And we’ll come out to them.” 

 

“Fine.” Dean said as if it were a death sentence.

 

“You don’t want to be identified as being gay, do you?” Carriggan said.

 

Dean nodded slightly. “I’m only queer for Sam. He’s the only guy that does it for me.” 

 

“And Dean, you’re the only guy that does it for me. But I admit I’m queer, I look at the menu walking around town, but I don’t think about picking one up in a bar.”

 

“You realize this means we have to tell Bobby as well?” Dean said his tone scared.

 

“We’ll deal with that when it comes to it. For now let’s concentrate on us.” Sam said grabbing Dean’s hand. 

 

“Oh God, I’m a fucking faggot.” 

 

“But you’re my fucking faggot.” Sam said possessively and with some iron in his smile. 

 

“Doc you and your missus are invited.” Dean said suddenly.

 

“Sure, come on Doc you need a play day.” Sam said jokingly.

Carriggan smiled, “Okay, let me see what I can do, day after tomorrow is Friday, we close at noon, when were you planning to start this shin-dig?”

 

“I’ll get Juarez and Maria over early to help set up, we can start around 2?” Dean asked Sam who nodded smiling brilliantly.

 

“Dean, I LOVE YOU! I want everyone to know, and they’ll accept us. They have to, incest isn’t illegal in this state.” Sam said with a grin. “Yes I looked that little item up early on, brother of mine.

 

“Next thing you know you’ll be wanting to pick out rings!” 

 

“That’s an idea!” Sam said excitedly. “We can’t marry but there’s no reason we can’t exchange rings between us as a promise to each other.”

 

“Doc!?” Dean said freezing suddenly.

 

“You may as well go with this Dean, your life just got a touch more interesting.”

 

Carriggan laughed as they got up and started towards the door. “See you Friday.” 

 

That night in their home, Dean looked at Sam over supper, “How are we gonna explain this to Bobby?”

 

“Bet you $100 he already knows.” Sam said with a bit of a smile.

 

“You’re set on this aren’t you?” Dean said looking at him. Sam suddenly gave him a fixed look, slammed his fork down on his plate and left the kitchen. “Oh shit.” Dean exclaimed exhausted. He slowly stood as he could only do right now and walked into the living room. Sam was on the sofa surfing channels on the TV. 

 

Dean eased into his chair and looked at Sam for a moment and then at the TV, there was nothing stopping his flicking thumb.

 

“Sam?” Dean tried “Sam!?” The he leapt up and grabbed the remote from Sam’s hand at the same time grabbing at his crotch. “Goddamn but I gotta quit doing that!” He swore. That at least got Sam’s undivided attention. “Now that I have you a-ah-a fuck that hurt, your attention. Maybe you’ll listen to me and quit sulking like a little girl.”

 

“I haven’t begun to sulk yet.” Sam said as he started to anger again now that they apparent emergency was aborted.

 

“You are sulking, like a fucking spoiled brat!” Dean said still in agony and fighting tears of pain away. 

 

“Spoiled brat! I was the one who had the guts to come out to my crew and they got no problem, you already said that your crew pretty much already suspects strongly. And Bobby has seen us waking up in that queen sized bed! And I want to come out to Bobby and the rest and admit the truth for a change and you’re calling ME a fucking spoiled brat!!!” Sam shouted angrily. 

 

Suddenly the door opened and Bobby came in with his gear bag in hand looking fit to kill. “You think you two could broadcast your shit a little louder?! I don’t think they heard you in the next county.” Bobby said angrily. Then he looked at both of them. “You fuckin’ idgits! You think for one damn minute you had me fooled about anything when I got here? I saw the fuckin’ bed and figgered you two were sharing the bed. Big friggin’ whoop! Then I started putting two and two together the first night when I heard you two in there. You weren’t that quiet. DO I GIVE A SHIT!? Read my lips good cause I’m only gonna bellow this one time. I know you two are fucking queer for each other. I get that. But considering the fish we had to fry over the last couple of dozen years, I guess I just don’t give a rats ass. Dean if you wanted to fuck a knothole who am I to say yea or nay!? You got Sam, and goddamnit boy! He’s a damn site better than you deserve for all the shit you put him through. Don’t think you’re gettin’ off easy with this boy.” He said whirling on Sam. “You’re just as bad. Boo hoo on the both of you. Now!” Bobby went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator. Then he came back in and sat on the couch.

 

“Bobby…uh we meant to tell you.” Sam started.

 

“When? When I already had what was going on figgered out. Do I care…I guess I do” Bobby said tiredly. “You two are like my own sons, a damn sight better than I deserve for kids. At the same time you two are prissiest bitches I’ve ever seen in my life and that spans a few years!” Bobby said winding back up. “Sam, Dean, if you are laying it one another, fine, okay? You boys deserve that chance cause god knows there ain’t much of another chance other than a string of one night stands out there. You deserve a chance at some kind of happiness even if it is with one another. Am I totally cool with that.” He acidly joked. “To tell the truth no I’m not. It’s gonna take some getting used to. But quit trying to play act behind my back. That’s all I ask. I’m under your roof so I can’t throw the real hissy fit I’m feeling coming on, but…” Bobby sighed deeply. “It’s gonna take some getting used to.”

 

“If there’s anything left to get used to about.” Dean said sullenly.

 

“About that!?” Sam started and then stopped when he heard Bobby clear his throat. 

 

“You both listen to me right now.” He said evenly. His voice steady as a rock. “You already sound like an old married couple that’s pitching a bitch fit cause the bed wasn’t made right, or the coffee didn’t turn out just right. Dean you just come through some major fucking surgery and you still don’t have an official all clear. Sam you said you supported him through this and you have, now you want to take a bigger step. That’s just natural. What’s really the question here boys? The fact that you’re queer for each other or the fact that you don’t want the other to know that you really are comfortable with the whole world knowing…when they already do.”

 

“You got a point.” Dean admitted quietly.

 

“Yeah…I guess I was acting well, you know…presumptuous.” Sam said quietly as well. 

 

“Sam I’m not even a whole man.” Dean said and walked to the bedroom. 

 

“Boy if you don’t follow up on that line you may as well go jack you a car and leave town.” Bobby said. Sam nodded sadly and went to the bedroom and closed the door behind him. 

 

Dean was sitting down on the bed preparing to lie down. “I don’t want to fight any more.” Dean said as he stretched out on the coverlet. Sam lay down on the other side and curled up against him.

“Neither do I.” Sam said to him. “And you’re wrong, you’ve always been more than a whole man to me.”

 

“Sam I appreciate what you’re saying but right now it ain’t registering. I’ve got one nut that is plastic. That pretty much makes me half a man.” Dean said swallowing hard against a lump in his throat.

 

“Oh Dean.” Sam said hugging him to his chest. Dean submitted to the hug and in moments rolled over into Sam’s chest sobbing. Once again it wasn’t the quiet manly tears that Dean would admit to it was full fledged loss of emotional control. Sam held him tight crying not a few tears himself. “Dean, I’m so sorry, I’ve been a selfish shit.” 

 

“I think we both have.” Dean said between the sobs. They held each other for a while longer then Dean pushed away from him. “Sam I’m sorry I blew up like that.”

 

“We both did a good job blowing up.” Sam said looking into Dean bright green eyes. “There’s never been anybody but you for me. It’s always been that way, the others were just substitutes. I guess I just wanted to share you with our friends.”

 

“Sammy, you’ve always been number one, I guess I’ve had a blind spot that way. I’m glad you want to share me it’s just that I still feel all new to this.” Dean admitted with a tiny smile that creased his lips. Sam reached up and wiped at Dean’s face. “What?”

 

“You really don’t cry pretty.” He said with a light smile himself.

 

“You’re one to talk bitch.”

 

“Jerk.”

 

“Are we good?” Dean asked.

 

“Are we?” Sam returned the question. “I still want to share you with our friends. But can we get over Bobby first?” 

 

“I suppose we better.” Dean answered pushing up from the bed. Sam flipped around and got in a position to help Dean up. Dean gladly took the assistance. They walked into the living room where Bobby still sat idling watching but not watching TV. 

 

“You two kiss and made up?” Bobby said.

 

“We’re working on that Bobby, we’re working on that.” They walked around to the couch and sat down.

 

“Bobby I’m sorry that we kept this a secret, well that we didn’t speak to you about it sooner.” Dean said apologetically.

 

“How long’s this been going on?” Bobby asked.

 

“We’re not even sure. We’ve been sexually active off and on since I was about 15.” Sam said not relishing the look of shocked amazement on Bobby’s face.

 

“Well I gotta give ya the damn grand prize for keeping something like this hidden all this time.” Bobby said sardonically.

 

“We pretty much kept it hidden from ourselves as well. But we got a situation.” Dean said.

 

“You ain’t pregnant!?” Bobby blatted.

 

“What! NO!! Nothing like that.” Dean spat. “Sam’s come out of the closet at him work place, my crew pretty much has put two and two together, we want to come out officially to our friends. But we didn’t want to do anything before we had a chance to talk to you.”

 

“Why you think I was gonna tell you both to get fucked and then leave town?” Bobby spat back.

 

“The thought crossed our minds.” Sam said tensely.

 

“First of all, I meant what I said, it’s gonna take some getting used to but I’ll get on it eventually, just give an old man some time. Second as to your friends, you can keep some things secret but the obvious isn’t one of them, you may as well come on out and tell them. They’ll take you at face value or turn tail, if they turn tail they weren’t your friends to start with. Last thing, and you remember this Dean Winchester. YOU ARE NOT HALF A MAN, YOUR HALF A MAN BETTER THAN YOUR DADDY EVER WAS!” Bobby shouted at him angrily.

 

“Yes sir.” Dean said remotely.

 

“I understand boy, I guess I’d feel the same way, but this is something you really need to talk with your doctor about and not fight it out like this. From my point of view you’re basing your manhood on the number of balls you got, that’s bullshit. You got backbone and you get it up from time to time. As well you should. You both should, but you both have got to get with the program and off the pity pot. Dean I ain’t joshing you. You make John Winchester a pale soldier by comparison. You’ve both come through more combined and apart than your dad and me ever did.” 

 

“Bobby I can promise you one thing. Dean and I may share a kiss now and then, but we’ll try to keep the hands to ourselves in front of you.” Sam bargained. 

 

Bobby looked up sharply at him. “BULLSHIT! You start play acting again and I’ll personally kick both your asses.”

 

“I guess that got us told.” Dean said cringing a bit.

 

“Well then there’s only one thing for it isn’t there?” Sam said looking at Dean. They hugged which didn’t particularly throw Bobby just when they stopped and kissed…deeply…very deeply. That Bobby sighed disgustedly and said the inevitable words. 

 

“Get a room.”

 

“Couldn’t agree with you more.” Sam said pulling at Dean’s hand who leapt from the couch somewhat painfully and limped to the bedroom. “Couldn’t agree with you more.” Sam said laughing as he closed the door the last words Bobby heard for a while. “Half a man eh…that’s a whole man I feel.”


	14. Chapter 14

Two days passed swiftly for Dean, Sam, and Bobby, with Bobby regaling them with the story of a classic case of a salt and burn, nothing major at all about that case. Then the day before the party Juan and Maria arrived in him pickup truck pulling a bar-b-que grill on a trailer. They unloaded and set it up in the back yard. It was basically two 55 gallon steel drums that were welded together and mounted and outfitted as a grill, and then came the bags of charcoal, fluid and other gear. 

 

“Uh hey amigo, we’re just feeding a few people not the whole neighbourhood.” Dean said stepping out the back door.

 

“Hey Paco, you grill the way you grill I grill the way I grill. Go back in the house and nurse that sack of yours.” Juan said popping off the nickname he’d given Dean early on. Dean helped him get things set up as best as he could until Maria came out of the house behind him and grabbed him by the sleeve. Her hands made shooing motions while her tongue was rapid firing off what Dean figured was a helluva tongue lashing in Spanish. He got into the kitchen and found Sam busily washing several fryers along with making room in the refrigerator for some ground beef. 

 

“Holy Shit!” Dean said. “What have we been roped into here man!” 

 

Bobby came through laughing, “You don’t know your Mexicans as well as you’d like to. When you say a party they’re not thinking a few people. You’re place is gonna be crawling tomorrow.”

 

“Oh HELL NO!” Dean said running to the back door and running into Maria. She started her rapid fire again and Dean shoved a hand over her mouth. “English, Maria please!”

 

“You kids, you think you know how to fix a party, let me show you how. You gonna have 20 or 30 people here tomorrow easy. You gotta know how to fix for that size group. My church, they’re bringing over some tables in the morning. We be here early to start the grill. You not worry; we’ll take good care of you.” She said motherly patting his cheeks.

 

“Do you have any idea what we got planned?” Sam asked nervously.

 

“You gonna tell world you two boys are amantes, lovers.” She shook her head, “I could match you up with good girls, but you like that you like that. Like my cousin Ruiz, he got three boyfriends. Boy how they fight!” She patted Sam’s flaming cheeks. “You turn red, you sure you’re not virgin.” She joked causing him to cough and sputter. 

 

“I need a beer.” Sam said as he started to turn towards the refrigerator. 

 

“Go out back; Juan got a cooler full of Tecate, put hair on your chest. Give one to your boyfriend he needs some on his.” She joked. Sam turned a startled glance up to a grinning and now a blushing and grinning Dean.

 

“You heard her we’ve been kicked out of the house.” Dean said grabbing Sam by the waist. They went down into the yard where Juan was busily working on getting the charcoal opened and poured into the grill getting the bed ready.

 

“Mamasita run you outta your own house.” He cackled then looked at them, “So you really are ‘novios’ boyfriends.”

 

“I’m getting tired of that question, aren’t you?” Sam asked Dean as he pulled him into a kiss. After a long moment they parted to a wall eyed Juan. 

 

“I guess you really are.” He said laughing. 

 

“You’re missus said you had some beer out here.” Dean asked.

 

“In the cooler a case of Tecate cold. Get me one while you’re in there.” He called as Dean pulled out three beers. He passed one to Juan. “So how long you two been together?” Juan asked.

 

“Officially about 2 years.” Sam said.

 

“Unofficially?” Juan asked. 

 

“What? 13, 14 years.” Dean said.

 

“Madre Dios! You were just kids starting out!”

 

Sam shook his head and sat down in a lawn chair laughing. “I was 15 when we first hooked up.” 

 

“Son of a bitch, don’t do that to an old man.” Juan said leaning against the grill. Dean was laughing as well. 

 

The next day saw the back yard filled with 35 people what with all the families there. Halfway through the meal Dean got his crew together and Sam got his crew together and then got them spread out between the living room and kitchen in the house with the doors closed. 

 

“Most of you guessed by now, those that haven’t then this might be a surprise, but I want to introduce you to my boyfriend.” Sam called out over the group. There was a hush suddenly then Sam grabbed Dean around the waist. There were cries of “bullshit.” That was when Dean and Sam clinched and kissed long and deep. There was a collective gasp then some shrieks of laughter and applause. “We know not all of you are comfortable with this. We’re not asking you to be. Just if you feel that turned off towards us please leave now.” Sam said as he held his breath. Two couples left the room angrily. “We’re going to leave this up to you how you tell the rest of your families, but we’re not going to make a spectacle of ourselves out there.”

 

“I call bullshit on that!” Bobby roared over the others in the crowd who were doing the same. 

 

“You be who you’re supposed to be.” They parted as Dean and Sam walked through the group and then opened the door to let the crews back among their families. There was a quiet buzz along with the music playing. They’d opened the invitation to their neighbours on both sides to keep good feelings some of the invitations were graciously declined but most accepted. It was getting on towards evening now, the grill was slowly cooling down, the crowds gone, Dean and Sam had circulated through the crowd finally with Dean grabbing Sam’s hand to keep up with him. Sam didn’t mind, then towards the end of the afternoon, the crowd was gathered close as Dean stepped up to the top step on the back pulling Sam up with him. 

 

“Should I folks?” Dean hollered out.

 

A roar of “yeah” went up and they kissed then parting to applause. As it was an adult’s only party there was no one to get bent out of shape. They kissed again.

 

“I’m gonna get lucky.” Dean said with a grin to all within hearing. Sam punched him in the arm. Then Dean brought out a jewelers box and opened it taking a large gold band out and placing on Sam’s finger. 

 

“I promise, only you.” Dean said. Sam took the other ring and did the same to Dean and spoke the same words to tumultuous applause. The crowd of well wishers pulled them into their midst and there was thumps on the backs and tousled hair between the two of them so that by the end of the day they look thoroughly rumpled. They sat together in the wreckage that was their back yard with promises from several to be back the next day to clean up. The gratefully accepted all offers and come 9:00, it was Dean, Sam, and Bobby who were sitting out in the back. 

 

“That was a party.” Dean sighed leaning back and enjoying the cool breeze of evening. Sam looked down at his hand and turned the gold ring carefully on his finger. 

 

“I had a blast.” Sam said a touch drunkenly. Bobby was Bobby, all he’d had to drink all day was beer and like he’s often said, “Can’t get drunk off that shit.” 

 

“So Bobby, you been with us in the midst of our gaiety today…?” Dean left the question open-ended. 

 

“If you love each other this much there ain’t much I can say or do but to wish you Godspeed. Just take it take it easy around an old man okay?” 

 

“We promise no running through the house naked. At least for as long as you are with us and Bobby, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.”

 

“I know that…but I kinda miss the old junkyard so I guess I’ll be headed back in a few days.”

 

“It’s gonna be quiet without you around.” Dean said.

 

“Bullshit. You’ll make enough noise to make up for me being gone.” Bobby said jokingly as they sat back and gazed at the night sky.

 

That Monday sitting in Dr. Samuelson’s office, Sam and Dean looked around at the other patients. There were a couple of folk who were as young as them but what shocked Dean to his roots was a kid, he had to be all of 10, sitting over to the side with his mom. He was busy reading a Harry Potter book and looking more than a little happy and intent. What shocked Dean though was not the kid, he could just be there and his mom was the patient, but no the boy was bald. He was wearing a sporty New York Yankee’s ball cap but he was otherwise bald as an onion. 

 

The mother saw his glance and surprise and smiled weakly. Dean cleared his throat.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” He said apologetically. 

 

“It’s okay; we don’t quite believe it either.” She said as the little boy read on ignoring the two adults.

 

“I’m Dean Winchester this is my brother Sam, we’re well I’m kinda new at this game.” Dean admitted extending his hand. She gratefully took it.

 

“I’m Lynda Bunch, and this is Kyle.” She said playfully knocking his ball cap forward a bit on his head.

 

“Mama!” He said embarrassed.

 

“Its okay, my brother likes to read a lot too; he’s trying to talk me into doing more of that.” Dean told the boy. “So you like Harry Potter?” He asked.

 

“Yeah he’s cool.” The boy chimed. “So you got the crud too?” He asked.

 

“Kyle!” Lynda chimed.

 

“No it’s okay; yeah I’ve got the crud too.” Dean chimed.

 

“That sucks what you got? Lungs or worse?” He asked.

 

Dean smiled at his curiosity. “Well for a guy it could be considered worse.”

 

“Oh you got it there!” He said wide eyed.

 

“Yep, but the doctor operated and I should be all better, how about you?” 

 

“Brain. Doc’s gonna tell us today if I gotta stay on chemo or if just the radiation will kill it.”

 

Dean felt strange talking about something like this with a kid. “Well here’s to hoping that kill it.” And they bumped fists. Kyle grinning. 

 

“Sam, Dean, you can come on back.” The nurse called from the door. 

 

“See ya later Kyle, Lynda.” 

 

“See ya Mister.” Kyle answered politely and went back to reading his book. Lynda smiled and nodded at him. 

 

In the exam room Dean got up on the examination table and took his place. Sam sat in one of the two chairs. The doctor came in a few minutes later smiling.

 

“Well, you want the good news or the great news first?” He said.

 

“Let’s start with the great news…I’m in the mood to having my spirits lifted a bit.” Dean said looking at Samuelson.

 

“Well your white blood cell count came back excellent! This is a very good sign that the cancer was localized and contained. The other tests which we ran as well all came back with real good markers except for your triglycerides, a little elevated, we can talk diet later. The good news is that the tissue sample that we took from your scrotum came back negative for any cancerous cells. So for right now I’m going to give you some advice on your diet and we’ll keep an eye on that blood count from time to time.” Samuelson said, and then continued. “Dean I’m not going to give you false hope, all the signs are in your favour right now, the key terms are right now. You’ve had one scare with cancer, we were very, very lucky; we caught it literally in the nick of time. From what I could tell from the cellular growth of the actual tumor that would have spread rapidly within a few months and we’d be looking at Chemotherapy right now. If you’re scared good, I’m not trying to dash your good spirits, but I am trying to keep you mindful not to your health run unchecked again.”

 

“Duly noted doc.” Dean said with a grin. “I’ve got cause to celebrate but keep an eye on my health, gotcha.” 

 

As they left they saw that Kyle and his mom were in an examining room now evidently. So they hoped for the best then left. Dean checked the dashboard clock, “We got time for a bite of lunch before our appointment with Dr. Carriggan if you’re interested.” 

 

“Sure…sure!” Sam said absently

 

“You’re worrying over what he said aren’t you?” Dean laughed at Sam’s look, “Don’t be such an old hen. I’m clean, that’s something to be thankful over. Okay so I go to him every six weeks for a blood check that depends on how many more weeks we’re going to stay here.”

 

“About that Dean…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Now that you got a clean bill of health you’re not ready to run back out on the road?” Sam asked cautiously.

 

“Not really, I’m kinda happy right here.” Dean said.

 

“That’s amazing.” Sam said under his breath slightly.

 

“My hearing was fucked up like my nut.” Dean joked tensely. “Sam we got it good here for a change. We got some scratch actually put back; we’re not on the run towards anything for a change and thankfully not on the run from anyone for an even bigger change. Kurt took care of that little situation with the FBI for us.”

 

“He hacked their database.” Sam blatted.

 

“And did a damn fine job of it. So we’re off their radar now. Let’s try to enjoy, really enjoy life for a while okay?” Dean said grinning. “Hell three weeks ago I was sitting with a death sentence over my head. Now I’m clean. Come on and be a little happy for that.” Dean said punching Sam in the arm.

 

“I am, I really am, I just heard everything else he said, and yeah, I’m a worrier.” He reached over and grabbed Dean’s arm, “I worry about those I give a damn about.”

 

“You choose.” Dean said still riding high on the good news he was given.

 

They stopped and ate at a little deli in the heart of town that Sam knew Dean liked and they had several items on the menu that even he enjoyed. After lunch they drove across town to Carriggan’s office where they had to wait just a few minutes before being called back to their room, they thought of it as their room, since that was where they seemed to always bump into the doctor. 

 

Carriggan came into the room smiling and even laughed a little. “That was a helluva party boys.” 

 

“We enjoyed it, just glad that we could throw one like that.” Sam replied tense.

 

“Uh oh, I smell trouble brewing on the waters, what’s wrong?” Carriggan said as he looked at them. 

 

“I just got a great report from Samuelson and Sam’s fretting over what ifs.” 

 

“Sam?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I can’t help it Doc, there’s part of me that just won’t leave it alone.”

 

“Are you like this often?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Just lately since all this started with the cancer scare.” Sam admitted.

 

“Well anxiety of this type is normal. Tell, how are you sleeping?” 

 

“Fine.” Sam answered quickly. Carriggan cocked an eyebrow then looked at Dean.

 

“Don’t look at me doc; I sleep through the nights most nights. There have been a couple of times I woke up and he’d be out of the bed, but I didn’t think much about it.”

 

“Okay so there are some times at night I wake up for two or three hours on a stretch.” Sam admitted.

 

Carriggan nodded and pulled a pad from his shirt pocket and made a note to himself. Then he turned his attention to Sam again for the moment.

 

“Something’s had to spur this on, anxiety of this level is expected but, are you two fighting much these days?”

 

“Not since that knock-down-drag-out that had last week.” Dean admitted. 

 

“What caused that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“It was all this business of coming out of the closet. I was as much to fault as Sam, more so I guess.” Dean admitted.

 

“What did you do?” The doctor asked.

 

Dean bridled a little bit and suddenly turned somewhat shy. 

 

“Dean?” Carriggan said.

 

“He said that he felt like he was half a man.” Sam admitted while Dean shot him a glare.

 

“Oh is that all?” Carriggan said nonplussed. 

 

“Excuse me!” Dean said tersely. “I think that rates more than just ‘is that all?’” 

 

“Well Dean, you’re looking at it from an entirely different perspective.” Carriggan said.

 

Dean shifted in his seat a bit to get more comfortable then looked at the doctor. “Want to be a little more explicit?” 

 

“Sure. The mystical cult of manhood measures virility as being very major, and that is measured in the balls. So technically, you are half a man in the cult of manhood. Of course if you’re the kind of man I think you are you measure manhood on many other variants, not just the number of balls.”

 

“Well at the time it seemed pretty significant to me, we were trying to score points off each other and I used my situation as a weapon.” Dean admitted shamefaced. 

 

“Which I take it you learned was a grave mistake?” 

 

“It didn’t win me any brownie points that’s for sure.” Dean acknowledged.

 

“I should imagine not.” Carriggan replied. “Did you plan to do that?”

 

“NO! No way.” Dean started with a shout and let it die down. “We mean too much for me to plan something that callous.”

 

“But still you used it.” Sam said quietly.

 

“Because mostly at the time, that was how I felt. I was measuring my manhood by what I had and didn’t have, and let me tell you having a silicone testicle is not the same as the real thing.” Dean said looking down at his hands a moment. Sam slid in closer to him. Dean looked up at him. “I just want my emotions to even out again. That’s all I want, just to be…”

 

“The cool, calm, collected ass that you were?” 

 

“That cool, calm, collected ass kept us alive. I don’t trust myself on a hunt like this.” He said his voice cracking a bit. 

 

Sam looked at the doctor a moment and then at Dean then back to the doc. “Could it be the medications doing this to his emotions?” 

 

“No, I seriously think not.” Carriggan stated. “The Abilify helped his depression and that touch of bi-polar disorder of his. The other, no I think that this is something else completely. Something tells me he’s been teetering on the ragged edge for some time.”

 

“You can talk to me and not around me.” Dean said shakily.

 

“I was merely answering Sam’s questions no offence was intended. 

 

“Don’t treat me like a paperweight and we’ll be fine.” Dean said with a laugh. Then he looked at Sam. “He’s right. I’ve been on the ragged edge since I got back from Hell. How I managed to survive this long is a fucking miracle. Then losing you like I did that didn’t help matters.”

 

“Trust me, falling down that rabbits hole wasn’t my idea of a good time either.” 

 

“Wait a moment, you lost Sam?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Doc we are close, probably as close as anybody I could trust, but that’s information that would get me locked up in a psych ward for a very, very long time. Just trust me on this one. I lost Sam for a year. When he came back to me he was changed. You might say he was soulless.”

 

“I take it you mean literally?” Carriggan noted.

 

Dean nodded. “That was retrieved and restored. There has been a lot of water crawl under the bridge and some of it pretty fouled. We’ve spent this past year and a half just playing catch up.”

 

“So where does that leave us doc?” Sam asked.

 

The doctor stood a moment and looked out his office window. Then turned and looked back at them. “That’s the question isn’t it?” He sighed and looked around at his walls, “I have tons of information in this building. Mega-tons if you count the information on the various web associations I belong to, but honestly there is nothing to prepare me for this. The nearest thing I can come to is thinking of Sam as a recovered stroke patient and even that is pushing the envelope and does a disservice to stroke victims. But basically what you’re telling me is that when Sam came back to you he was like a person who’d had a stroke, missing a part of himself.” 

 

“Good analogy doc.” Dean said nodding. 

 

“But unlike a stroke victim who may or may not improve he was damaged to the point he couldn’t improve without drastic measures. I’m not going to ask how you retrieved much less restored this part because medical science has no known corollary for it.” He looked at Dean. “In the last year and a half that you’ve been playing catch up were you finding sleep hard to come by?”

 

“Not really, we worked ourselves into exhaustion with our job.” Dean admitted. Then he did note, “I had been drinking a lot more though. To the point I had to spend a month drying out before I trusted myself to go back on a hunt. And that was done while still doing some hunts. Most of which I let Sam take lead.” 

 

“Not that you had much choice. There were a few hunts that you were in no shape to be in the field. I had to leave him in the motel room doc.” 

 

“Not willingly?” The doctor noted.

 

“Mostly fighting.” Sam agreed.

 

The doctor looked at Dean and then nodded. “You’re going to be around here for a while longer aren’t you?” 

 

“We’d thought about it.” Dean said.

 

“Good, because I want you off the road for a while, the job you have is doing wonders for you, it gives you purpose, provides you with a paycheck, and gives you focus. Think you can do it up to the winter months?” 

 

“Sure, that’s an easy stretch.” Dean commented.

 

“What I want you to do is to stay here for a while longer, I don’t want to hospitalize you Dean, because right now I think that would be counterproductive, but we’re going to be spending quite a few more sessions together.” Carriggan noted.

 

Dean and Sam nodded enthusiastically, “Sessions yes, hospital no.” Dean said.

 

Carriggan nodded as well. “Sounds like you had a bad experience with one.”

 

“It was a case, long ago.” Dean mentioned “As it is Bob, my foreman has got some home improvement stuff going on through the holidays and winter months. So it’s not like I’ll be out of work.”

 

“Good, I want you to stay occupied with something other than spook hunting for a while. You need a break from that. And I think it maybe could use a break from you.” 

 

“It’ll make a nice change being off the road for a while, but I still may pick up the odd job in the area, that’s an option.” Dean said somewhat firmly.

 

“Not particularly an option I would like to see you pursue. I want you to take a break and I mean for at least 6 months. You don’t see it right now but you are emotionally on a fragile border. You stand a good chance of crossing the line and doing something you might regret later.” Carriggan said. Dean looked at him a moment and saw that he was sincere in the line of thought and nodded acceptance.

 

“I’m not a freaking head case.” Dean started argumentatively.

 

“Yes, Dean, you are.” Sam started, Dean just stared at him. “You can be pissed off at me all you want. It’s not going to change the fact that you’ve been acting erratically as of late and I mean more erratic than is normal for you. Dean, I love you and I’m scared for you.”

 

Dean stared a few more moments and sighed nodding. “You both win.”

 

“Dean, I’m not trying to score points off of you, but I really am worried about you and for you.” Sam said reached out to Dean. Dean met him halfway which was more than he could’ve hoped at the time. 

 

Carriggan looked at them both a moment. “I think that you need to extend the focus of that promise ring deal, that being a promise to keep each one fit.”

 

Sam nodded and after a brief moment so did Dean. 

“Good, now about this soulless condition, how do you feel about yourself now Sam?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Pretty good I guess, there are still bad days when my mind tends to over think situations and I try to screw my own self up into a knot.”

 

“And do you?”

 

“Yeah, I’m my own worst enemy.” Sam admitted.

 

“Yes you are we all are our own worst enemies. We’ve all got hidden agendas, boundaries, and boogey-men hiding in the shadows waiting to jump out and take over a situation. It is how you react to a situation that determines the outcome of course. Sam what is your greatest fear?”

 

Sam stared at his hands a moment then in a small voice said, “That I’ll wake up one morning and Dean will be gone.”

 

“Where am I going?” Dean asked grabbing his hands. 

 

“That’s just it, I don’t know.” Sam said with a deep sigh. Then he looked at Dean. That was one of the torments I went through. Not just burning and reforming to burn again, but standing there watching and helpless to raise a finger as you drove away. It happened over and over.”

 

“During your time in Hell?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Can you tell me more about that?” Carriggan started.

 

“No, please understand that it’s not a matter of privacy this time as it is the pain of the memories. I was stupid enough to fall for one of Lucifer’s traps and my soul spent a year in hell.”

 

“Which if the math works out right was over 1200 years in hell’s time am I close to the mark with that one.” 

 

Sam nodded numbly. Carriggan tried a different approach, “What was the least difficult part about you personal hell?” 

 

“The fact that I was fully clothed one minute, naked and freezing the next, then burning up in the next. The least difficult part was that I began to understand the cycles it was going in so I could sort of prepare myself for what was to come.” Sam said staring at Dean’s hands gripping his own; he could almost feel the strength that Dean seemed to will into him. 

 

“The Dante was correct in his assertation that above the gates of hell is the inscription, Abandon hope all ye who enter here.”

 

“No he wasn’t” Sam corrected the doctor. “There wasn’t a day that went by in hell that I didn’t know for a fact that Dean was busting his nuts to find a way to get me out. I was yanked out physically but my soul was left behind for some reason which we have yet to figure out. Yeah I know it sounds crazy but that’s how I perceived it.”

 

“Dean, Sam, there is not a thing you could tell me that would make me believe that you are crazy as far as the occult and supernatural interventions go. I’m becoming a believer in the unknown. I admit there is still a great deal that I am blind about and towards. I probably always will be to an extent.”

 

“You’re coming to believe in us as we are coming to believe in you.” Sam said rhetorically. Then he looked into the distance a moment and grimaced. “I don’t like the me I’m seeing right now.”

 

“What me is that?” Carriggan asked. And held his hand up to Dean who was about to intervene.

 

“I’m selfish, self-centered, and arrogant.”

 

“You’re also strong, giving, and sacrificing.” Carriggan pointed out. “Sam I want to work with you and help you through this, to do this thought you’re going to need some help. Not just from me but when I can’t be around. I want to start you on a full tablet three times a day. I’ll adjust that if it seems to be too much, but I really think you could benefit from this drug. Excuse me.” He walked over to a cabinet and opened it to reveal a small pharmacy of drug samples. He pulled out four small bottles. “Go ahead and take these with you. There are a dozen pills to the bottle. I want to try you out on this first. I think it will work wonders on your anxiety level.”

 

Sam took the bottles and looked at them like snakes. “I know you’d probably prefer a holistic approach but this time for your level, I think we have to hit hard and fast. You are doing amazing things, you both are. You both come a long way, but I think you’ll admit you have a ways to go yet. Try this regimen and I’ll see you in a week. And Sam, Dean, you may have trouble believing in yourselves, but I believe in you.”


	15. Chapter 15

Dean and Sam waited solemnly outside of Dr. Carriggan’s office as they were about to be called. The ushered back in short order and given the assurance that Dr. Carriggan knew they were there and would be with them momentarily. 

 

15 minutes later Dr. Carriggan was in the room. “I’m sorry about that guys but it …has…been…okay what’s wrong?”

 

“That obvious?” Dean asked.

 

“Sometimes your feelings are printed right on your face for me to read like today.”

 

Dean and Sam traded a look then Dean started. “There’s a kid who goes to the same cancer clinic we do, we met up with him last week during out appointment. I wanted to go by to check on my blood work that they did and he was in the waiting room with his mom. I ran back out to the car and came in with a surprise I found for him here in town. He’s a Yankee’s fan and I found a tee shirt by them. I went over to him and he was really down that’s when he told me that they were going to have to start chemo back up on him that the tumor was growing.” Dean’s voice was breaking now so Sam took over in not much better a voice. 

 

“We sat with him a minute and asked Lynda where his dad was. She told me he was shipped home 6 weeks ago; he was killed by an IED in Afghanistan. The kid crumbled, he was totally like lost. Here he was the man of the house now and he was dying. Dean got him to sit with him on the couch in the office and he held him while he cried. We both took turns holding and comforting him when we got the call to come on back. Dean got them to jump our turn for a bit. We stayed right there with him until he got called back. Lynda hugged us and thanked us.”

 

“So you did a real good deed for the day, you gave up time, a valuable commodity to comfort someone who was far smaller and yet far more dependent than either of you. You did very well.” Carriggan congratulated them.

 

“We really want to think so, it’s just so hard to see a kid, you know like that. What broke our hearts was when he cried out how much he wanted his daddy there with him. Then he looked at us with a lopsided smile and told us basically what the hell he was thinking soon enough he’d be with his daddy. That got us all started.” Sam stuttered out feeling the tears coming on again. “Dean told him that his daddy would be proud of how much like a real man he was handling this. We told its okay to cry, it’s okay to feel mad, or sad, or even glad. Just told him to remember that it was his mama that was doing the work for caring for him as well as he protected her.”

 

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that. I’m sorry about the little boy, but after you told me about it I had a talk with Aaron Samuelson, and he told me the kid has an inoperable tumor in the cleft of the brains hemispheres. They were trying to get at with radiation, but his little body can only handle so much of the rough treatment then it rebels.”

 

“So how did that make you feel about your own problem Dean?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I felt insignificant. Like it was nothing I had to deal with compared to what Kyle was dealing with and going to have to deal with." Dean said thoughtfully. 

 

“Yeah your problem is a walk in the park by comparison. If you put it that way.” Carriggan said quietly. “So what are you going to do?” 

 

“We got their phone number and permission to call them now and then to check on his progress. We got a surprise for him though.” Dean started

 

“Really and that is?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“He wants to go watch the local team play but they’re always on the field when his mom has to work. So we worked it out with his mother to taken out to a few games. She was excited that someone was taking an interest. I thought to myself that I’d be one sorry selfish shit if I didn’t try to help out some way or another. She’s excited and we’re glad to help out in some small way.” 

 

“See you’ve got jobs now that don’t involve hunting.” Carriggan said with a smile. 

 

Dean looked wistful for a moment, “It’s a change but one for the better. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a home team play this should be fun.”

 

“Have you ever been a big brother or father figure to a child, not counting Sam of course?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, back when Sam went missing for that year. I tried the straight apple pie lifestyle. I had a girlfriend who had a 12 yr old son. After a month or so he started treating less like a visitor and more like part of the litter, then he started listening to what I was telling him when I’d work on the cars or whatever, and he slowly started respecting me as more than maybe a big brother.” Dean smiled to himself as he explained the relationship he and Ben had gotten going.

 

“Are you still in contact with them?” Carriggan asked pointedly.

 

“I was until a couple of months back when a hunt went real bad.” Dean grimaced at the memory, a prickling at the corners of his eyes as he thought of what he had done. “Lisa, Ben’s mama got possessed and ended up stabbing herself before I could exorcise the demon. We got the demon out and got her to a hospital. I called in a favour from Cas. He healed her, and then I had him wipe their memories of me ever being involved in their lives.” Dean felt the tears now and the pain of the issue still so very close to the surface.

 

“Then you told me if I ever brought up their names again you’d break my nose.” Sam said soberly.

 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that one. It’s still a raw issue.” Dean explained.

 

“Why did you have their memories wiped?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Because as long as they knew anything about me they’d be in danger.” Dean said quietly.

 

“So you took charge of a portion of their life without them even knowing about it?” Carriggan reasoned.

 

Dean shook his head, “It was more than that. She was in danger as long as she had any connection to me. She was possessed because of me, gut stabbed for the same reason. Ben had to use my shotgun to clear us a path out of the building they were being held in. They were mentally and probably physically handled. And it was because of me.” Dean said his voice cracking his hands gripping his knees tightly. Sam slid in close and wrapped his arms around him and started rubbing his back just like Dean had done for Sam so many times. It took a little while but Carriggan gave them their time to get the emotions under control. 

 

After several minutes Dean pulled gently from Sam’s grasp and looked at him a moment before looking back at the doctor. 

 

“That was a very brave thing you did.” Carriggan said to him gently.

 

“What, going in and rescuing them? Dean asked.

 

“No, having their memory wiped like that. You gave up a very important part of your life for a greater good. You are really and amazing and complex individual Dean. That’s probably, and admittedly, you two are some of my favourite patients.”

 

Dean blushed fully under the praise and murmured his thanks. Doc Carriggan stood then and walked to his window as he did when he was getting meditative and thoughtful. He turned halfway and looked at them. “With your permission and with no names mentioned at all I would like to use you for a study for the Journal of Psychology.” 

 

“Doc there are elements of our past we’ve told you about that are solely for your ears.” Dean said anxiously.

 

“And those issues won’t be broached, but I’d like to do a work up on you both and publish it.”

 

Dean grinned, “What do you get out of it?” 

 

Carriggan grinned back at him, “Some little notoriety, maybe a small award for the study depending on if it is accepted for a competition.”

 

“Sure go ahead.” Sam said with a grin. “Fuck with some psych’s minds.” He said laughing, which turned infectious as it got Dean and Carriggan laughing as well.

 

“So what’s new on the home front? Still feeling inadequate Dean?” Carriggan asked to which he got a guilty flush from Dean and Sam. 

 

Sam spoke up. “He’s trying to prove his virility and was pounding away the other night on me, ibuprofen and ice packs were the score for yesterday. But he did prove himself. Five times he proved himself.”

 

“SAM!” Dean said shocked at the blatant discussion of their sexual activity.

 

“I’ve heard far worse and sometimes a little better.” Carriggan said to lighten the mood some. “So you are a virile young stud still. This is a good thing.” Carriggan cracked.

“Yes I’m still a virile young stud. With a very sore ball sack.” 

 

“Didn’t the doctor warn you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Oh yeah, told me to go easy on sex for the first month or so.” Dean said dismissively. “I didn’t listen to him.”

 

“Well you play you pay.” Carriggan said with a grin. Dean nodded. Then took on a serious look for a moment. “What’s on your mind?” Carriggan asked disarmingly. 

 

“You know when I was with Lisa and Ben for that year I really grew to like being a dad.” Dean said.

 

Sam looked at him shocked, “What you want to get a surrogate to father a child on?” 

 

“Stranger things have happened.” Dean said with a ghost of a smile. “I mean here in Atlantic City, New Jersey we could do that.”

 

“Dean consider that carefully, there is a significant problem with inbreeding. If you are serious about this consider that you’re the sperm donor.” Carriggan said.

 

“What about adopting a kid?” Sam said looking at Dean for a solution to a suddenly unknown quantity. “Not to mention that if we do adopt or impregnate, this will take us off the road for a while.”

 

“We’re already off the road for a while.” Dean said. “Anyway I was just thinking how great it felt being a daddy.”

 

“You’ve got Kyle you can build a relationship with, I’m sure his mother wouldn’t object to him suddenly getting two mentors or big brothers, or whatever you want to call yourselves.” Carriggan offered.

 

“Yeah there is that. I kinda have to think about Kyle though. His father died in combat, he’s young, and he’ll definitely be impressionable.” Dean noted. The looked at Sam for some help.

 

“Dean, I’m not saying no, I’m not saying not right now, I’m saying let’s weigh all the issues that comes with this package once the deal is done.” Then Sam’s face grew somber. “Let’s also not forget that he’ll most likely be dead within a year.”

 

“Well just come out and say it Sammy!!” Dean bitched.

 

“Dean it’s the truth, I don’t like it any more than you, but facts are simple put. This kid has an inoperable tumor, that’s been established. He’s going through round 2 of chemo. He needs a buddy right now.” Sam said firmly.

 

“What about his system at school?” Carriggan asked.

 

Sam shook his head sadly. “It’s progressed to the point that they have had to withdraw him from school. His mother works during the day, so her mom comes in and tends to him while she’s at work.” 

 

“He sounds like a good project for you two to take on. He needs a buddy, a couple of them in this case, and you need something to occupy your time aside from each other. Granted that’s not the worst thing in the world but outside interests will help you recover as well.”

 

“My days off usually fall on days that Dean has to work, so I’m going to check in with Lynda about coming over and sitting with him on those days to give her mom a break.” Sam said.

 

“She did ask us why two practical strangers would take an interest. Which I have to agree with her asked, I would if it were my son. I explained to her that we’re on the same train just different cars. She caught on, from what I gather she doesn’t have that great of a network to pull from for help. In the afternoon after school hours, he has some buds from his class that come over and they hang out together, play video games and such. I think it’ll be fun.”

 

“Good for you both.” Carriggan said looking them over. “But on a deep down level how is this affecting you both? Dean?” 

 

“Gotta admit I think the kids getting a shitty deal out of life. He’s gonna be snuffed before he even has his first date, his first serious girlfriend. Yeah, he’s getting the raw end here on this one.” Dean said looking pensive for a long moment.

 

“What about you Sam?”

 

“I have to agree with Dean, this is just a kid, he won’t have the chance at a lot of firsts, because he’s gonna be dead before he’s thirteen unless a miracle happens and so far we haven’t been able to call in any favours this big.”

 

“And unfortunately you won’t be able to.” A young female voice said from behind them, they spun, Dean recognizing the reaper Tessa. He spun back to Carriggan and the tableau was frozen for the moment. They turned back to Tessa.

 

“There’s nothing that can be done?” Dean asked. 

 

“Dean, do you remember what happened when Death loaned you his ring for the day. How you screwed the pooch on a couple of calls that resulted in greater calamity?”

 

“Kinda hard to forget that.” Dean said sourly.

 

“This is the same situation. There could be intervention made at this point, and it would inevitably throw off an entire timetable of events which could lead to some catastrophic effects for several of my brothers and sisters. No, I’m afraid that he will depart this world in…”

 

Dean held up his hands stopping her. “Don’t tell us. We don’t want to know. This is something that could affect things as well, so let’s just say that he’s going to die in the near future and leave it at that.”

 

“If it is of any comfort, I will be taking him in his sleep. He will awake in heaven.” She said with a smile.

 

“Thank you Tessa.” Dean said choking back his emotions. Sam nodded. Then she walked forward and looked at both of them closely.

 

“My God, you actually seem to care about this person, could it be possible two hunters have grown a conscience?” She sniped. 

 

“Stranger things have happened.” Dean said sourly.

 

She disappeared then the tableau resuming with Carriggan shaking his head for a moment and then looking at Dean and Sam. “Okay either I had a seizure which is most unlikely as I do not have the predilection for that, or something just happened to free the time/space continuum.” Noticing their looked he grinned slightly, “I read Science Magazine and I watch Doctor Who.” He said with a laugh. “So what just happened as you both are in different positions from what you were moments ago?”

 

Dean sighed, “You remember our talk about angels? Well there’s a subclass of angels called reapers. Their job is to reap souls, to claim those slated to die.”

 

“I take that one of these reapers just appeared in my office?”

 

Sam nodded, “We’ve had dealings with her before, well Dean has. Her name is Tessa, she’s a pleasant person in a quirky sort of way but she was here to inform us that there is no miracle waiting around the corner for Kyle.” Sam said his voice cracking slightly.

 

“It’s a sad fact of life that we have to deal with death, even to those who we don’t think deserve it.”

 

“This is going to sound so trite, but no one that young should have to deal with death.” Sam said looking at the doctor.

 

“Let’s come back to this in a minute boys, tell me Sam how is the Xanax treating you?” Carriggan diverted.

 

Sam looked shaken for a brief moment and opened his mouth to speak when Dean jumped in. “Keep him on it.”

 

“Excuse me?” Carriggan said.

 

“He’s been much more pleasant to live with, keep him on it.” Dean said with a plea in his eyes. Sam sat back and laughed a bit.

 

“I guess I have been a lot less antsy on it. I don’t feel as anxious about things; I never knew that I was holding in so much until I started taking it. I’m sleeping better as well.”

 

“Good, all good signs. Glad to hear this change. The dose isn’t too much for you; you haven’t noticed any adverse reactions?” Carriggan asked.

 

Sam thought for a moment and shook his head, “Well look at my body mass, it would take that much to have any effect.” He joked.

 

“Not necessarily, it works on an entirely different level from a body mass index formulation. It decreases the excitement to the brain essentially.” Carriggan explained in the simplest terms.

“Whatever the case, yes I want to stay on it.” Sam affirmed.

 

“Good, I’ll see that you have a prescription for that cut immediately. What about you Dean, how are you doing on your regimen?” 

 

“Better, my mood swings are leveling out, and I’m not quite as prone to go diving off the deep end at the least thing.” Dean confirmed.

 

“This is promising; it also means that your overall stress level is balancing.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Oh yeah.” Dean agreed. “Plus Sam and I have set limitations and reasonable expectations of public displays of affection.” 

 

“Meeting in the middle?” Carriggan asked.

 

“He let me hold his hand when we walked through the park the other day on my lunch break.” Sam said with a grin. “I swear I’m not trying to force you into an effeminate role or mode. I’m also trying to not jump into that. But I’m glad we got some accommodations.”

 

“It’s fair.” Dean said. “You indulge me in my evening forays and I’ll indulge yours.” 

 

“Sounds like a fair trade.” Carriggan noted. He then stood, walking over to a cabinet and got out four more sample bottles of the Xanax and pulled his prescription out of a shirt pocket and hastily scribbled off a prescription for the medication. “I wanted to be sure to do this for you before you left.” 

 

“Dean, Sam, medication as you’ve both found is not the complete cure to every illness, the body and mind have to work together, that’s what these medicines do that I’m prescribing. They are chemically pulling your mind and your body into sync. What I want you to do is a little experimentation.” Opening a drawer he pulled out two pads and passed one to each along with a pen. “Be completely honest with me and write down 5 things about yourself that you hate.” He said back then while they thought and wrote. They seemed to have no trouble getting two or three things pulled up but they found that the further they slogged the harder it was getting to find that four and fifth thing. They handed him the pads and then passed them to the other. “Take a moment and read them just a moment, do go overanalyzing the meanings we’re going to tackle that in a minute.” Then he turned to Dean first. “Take the first thing on the list and give me your impression.”

 

“It says I’m overindulgent.” Dean sighed volumously and looked at Sam, “You’ve got to be shitting me. You practically live the life of a monk; I have to twist your arm to for you to buy a shirt or pants for yourself.”

 

“Okay hold on a minute, Dean. Sam what about you what is Dean’s first impression?” 

 

“I feel inferior. Dean that is bullshit and you know it. You are the least inferior person I know. You’ve got me beat six ways from Sunday in the self-confidence department.” Sam said.

 

“Dean, what’s next?” 

 

“I’m lazy. When? That’s what I’d like to know, I have to personally haul you back by the scruff of the neck from time to time.”

 

“Sam, your turn.”

 

“I’m wishy-washy about some things.” Sam sighed exasperatedly. “About what things? Jesus man, I wish I was half as wishy-washy as you even think you are I’d be a dynamo.”

 

“What I did with this exercise is get you to first write down your opinions of yourselves and then switched you out so you got a chance to critique the others choices. Are you hearing something here?” Carriggan said look at them.

 

“We’re both countering every negative with a positive.” Dean said.

 

“Exactly, and that’s what you’ve got to do. You’ve got to work hard at countering each other but complimenting each other as well. You’ve got a strong familial relationship now we’re going to work on deepening and strengthening your sexual relationship. 

 

“That doesn’t mean we have to fuck on camera does it?” Dean asked critically.

 

“Of course not! Where would you get an idea like that?” Carriggan said coldly.

 

“A psych we saw in Fresno suggested it. Said that he could have us taped then use the tape and critique it with us.” Sam responded.

 

“He just wanted free porn.” Carriggan said quickly. “No self-respecting or properly practicing psychologist would ask anything like that, and my opinion of “Sex Therapists” rates right up there with snake oil salesmen.”

 

“Perhaps they are kind of like parapsychologists. Some real, some fake.” Sam said thoughtfully.

 

“Perhaps.” Carriggan admitted slowly. “But the ones I’ve been in contact with that are genuine would not request to tape you in action to evaluate your performance. But we digress. I am going on the assumption you have a healthy sexual relationship and that there are no problems in that department, just take it easy Dean. You’re not gonna wear that thing out so quit trying.” Carriggan joked.

 

“It just felt so good, like I didn’t want to stop, I was afraid that if I quit that I would lose sensation completely.”

 

“So that’s a major fear of yours.” Carriggan noted.

 

“I would think it would be for any guy. The idea of losing the ability to get a hard on is a serious turn off.” Dean said cringing at the thought.

 

“Dean, Sam, put that thought out of your head right now. Erectile dysfunction exists in a percentage of men and even then it can be countered and an erection be achieved through means.”

 

“Yeah I hear Viagra is great.” Dean said grumpily.

“Dean you’re concentrating on the negatives that are even affecting you right now. I bet if I told Sam to cop a feel you’d start to get hard.”

 

“Shut up doc, you’re liable to start something.” Dean joked.

 

“Aw Dean, come on let’s put that to a test, shall we!?” Sam said reaching over, Dean batted at his hand.

 

“Back off horn dog.” He told his brother. 

 

This had Carriggan laughing slightly. “So, there is the desire to have children, and the chance to mentor as well. You know that you would be considered likely candidates for emergency care homes under the Rainbow Runaway Connection?”

 

“The what?” Dean asked, “Rainbow Runaway Connection.”

 

“Yeah it’s an organization that gay kids who are on the run from their family can anonymously contact for assistance. You could do worse than volunteering to help staff their phone lines.”

 

“What’s this about emergency care homes?” Sam asked curious.

 

“Sometimes, not always, but in some cases there is the incident where a child is in an abusive relationship. One parent or the other or sometimes both are physically and/or mentally abusing a child for their predilection towards homosexuality. In cases like that they run away but want to see justice so they are put into the system and set up with a room in a safe house. You would be required to meet certain standards and work within certain guidelines, but that can be a rewarding thing to do as well.”

 

“Never thought of that. Hell when we were teenagers we didn’t have to run away from home because we were queer, Dad was usually on a hunt so he was too busy to notice that there was something different in his boy’s relationship.”

 

“Did you immediately start with anal sex or did you work up to that point?” Carriggan asked shocking both of them.

 

“Uh doc that’s like…”

 

“Personal? Sam, how soon you started that would give me a clue as to the level of need that there was in the relationship. It would also establish a physical status line to work through some of this.”

 

“We started with the touchy feely stuff and worked up to oral sex it was a while before we even considered anal sex. Although I admit that I wanted it from day one.”

 

“Sam!” Dean exclaimed.

 

“What!? I wanted that sensation. Dean, whenever we make love when you’re in me, it’s like I’m being possessed but in a good way. There’s no feeling of it being natural or otherwise, it’s just a need to be filled.”

 

“Keep going.” Carriggan offered noticing Dean’s flush but ignoring it for right now.

 

“When we are connected, it’s, damn this is gonna sound corny as hell, but we’re one, we’re one being. I love the feeling of being filled with you Dean, it’s security for me.” 

 

Dean as suddenly pulling at his trousers a bit trying to loosen some material, “So much for questioning if the plumbing works.” Dean joked.

 

“Got an erection do you?” Carriggan noted good naturedly but not in a joking, locker room teasing manner.

 

“Actually yeah I do, cause I feel the same way. Whenever you’re topping me Sam, the feeling of fullness is well shit I crave it. It’s like a drug. And I always want more and closer. And oh shit I better shut up or I’ll cream my jeans.”

 

Carriggan laughed slightly. “That’s another reason I keep a box of tissues in here.”

 

“You gotta be kidding me?” Dean blatted. 

 

“No, I’ve actually had partners ejaculate from just speaking about issues. Nothing wrong with that, it shows a more than healthy libido function. Tell me Dean how do you really feel about Sam? Deep down, no matter how corny it sounds to you, or how girly it you may think it sounds how do you really feel about Sam, and not as just your brother?” 

 

“I love him with the very core of my being. There’s no way I can put into words how strong my feelings are for him because they are just that, mega powerful. I have to watch myself during the day or I’ll pop a woody at work just thinking about some of the stuff we’ve done and all. And I have to catch myself at home because I see him just sitting there, reading or something and it’s all in the way he’s doing it, but I think of how many ways I could take him just like that.”

 

“That’s some pretty powerful mojo going on there. What about you Sam?”

 

“The hardest part for me is when I am studying something that we need and I’ll catch him looking me over out of the corner of his eyes and it will make me instantly horny. I have a severe physical need for him from time to time. At the same time, I have a severe psychological need for him. There are times I wish that I could tell him that I just want to be held. But I mean look at me, I’m a fucking moose, someone this big shouldn’t have security issues.”

 

“What would you tell him?” Carriggan asked Dean.

 

“It’s cool to ask me to cuddle and to hold you. There are times when I need that snuggle myself. There are time’s … no this is too….” Dean stopped embarrassed.

 

“What Dean?” Sam said shifting closer to him on the couch. “There are times when what?” 

 

“I’m almost in tears inside from need. But I don’t reach out.” Dean said flushing to his roots. Sam grabbed him in a hug which he permitted. 

 

“Holding and hugged are not condemned in all the codes of manhood.” Carriggan said with a warm smile. The doctor looked up at a small clock on the wall behind them and smiled. “Unfortunately our time is up for today, so for homework, I want you two to spend some cuddle time together. It doesn’t always have to lead to sex, but actually spend time getting in touch with each other on an emotional level.”

 

They stood to leave and it was now a natural thing for Dean’s hand to slip possessively around Sam’s. The doctor smiled encouragingly as they left the office.


	16. Chapter 16

  
Author's notes: We're at the peak of the hill right now. I've got this story set to end at chapter 20 unless you folk want more. Just let me know. Please.  
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* * *

The waiting room was one of the few semi-quiet places at least in that state where Sam and Dean could act normal and not be looked at funny. Now they were practically bouncing off the walls with positive-ness. The nurse was grinning when she called them back and the first thing they did was hit the doctor’s refrigerator and break out some beer. He walked in and noticed their attitudes and traded his beer for a coke. 

 

“Sorry guys a little early in the day for me to indulge, so what’s got you two so bouncy?” He said with a grin as their attitude was infectious. 

 

“We’ve been to three ball games this past week with Kyle; Lynda was able to go to one. His spirits are at an all time high!” Dean said gladly.

 

“Great! Good to hear and see that you have something this positive to keep you busy!” Carriggan said with a laugh.

 

“It’s great, we go over on some evenings, that kid is a terror on the X-box. I’ve talked to my boss and got a 2nd shift spot so that I can also be there in the mornings to help him get ready for the day and sit with him while his moms at work, my doing that has cut the CNA’s visits from 5 days a week down to 2 so that they can check him over and such. Most days he takes care of his personal needs by himself, but Thursday was a bad day so I helped him taking a bath and get dressed then we went to the park where we fed the ducks and walked around for a little while.” Sam said excitedly. 

 

“He’s acting like a normal kid now even though the cancer has gone to stage 2. He’s doing great!” Dean said eagerly. Then he slowed down a bit. “Look, we know eventually he’s going to go the other direction but we are going to do everything we can to make his remaining days as full as possible. We got permission from his mom and this Saturday both Sam and I were off so we took him down to the Boardwalk and did the sights. He got sad for a few minutes when he was recalling to us how his dad used to take him to the Boardwalk from time to time when he was home on leave. Then he asked us, very shyly, if we could pretend we were his big brothers. Of course we gave him permission and told him that he could call us by our first names that we really didn’t mind.” Dean went on as if nothing would stop him.

 

“This is great news. So how is this affecting your time at home when you’re not with him?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We miss him but we’ve learned you don’t have to be a kid to like X-Box so we bought a console and some games and we kick each other’s ass on stuff like Jedi Knights, and Guitar Hero.” Sam laughed.

 

“So you’re actually spending fun time together?” 

 

“Yeah, one day this past week Dean was off work and I didn’t have to be until 3 so we road down to the beach for a while.”

 

“This is good. So you’re medications are helping? And you’re not self-medicating are you?” He asked.

 

Dean looked at him a moment and then understood. “No, label directions only, considering the changes that it’s made for us plus this new intervention with Kyle and Lynda, we’re flying on cloud nine.”

 

“I’m glad to see these changes for you. You two deserve a chance at happiness and wholeness.” Carriggan said honestly. Then looked at Dean, “So how are you dealing with the rest of your situation?”

 

“Oh, you mean the cancer and shit?” Dean asked. “Actually I have pretty much ignored the negative aspects. Sure I’m sore in the mornings some days, but that’s everything getting pulled back into place. I expected that from what the doc told me. It still feels weird when I shower now, but I try not to dwell on it.” Dean answered cheerfully.

 

“You’re not still ‘half a man’?” Carriggan noted.

 

“I realize that technically yeah, if I want to look at it like that I am half a man, but Kyle and I have kind of a comradery between us.” Dean mentioned. “His mom doesn’t know we bat the nicknames around but he calls me one nut and I call him knot head.” Dean said grinning.

 

Carriggan sat back in his chair well pleased but at the same time steadying himself for what he knew what going to be the down time. That was when Sam spoke up again.

 

“Look, we realize that the kid is dying, hell if you look at it logically we are all dying just at different rates of speed.” Sam started. “But I’m determined and so is Dean to make this kid’s last days as full and fun as we possibly can for him.

 

“But isn’t that his mother’s responsibility?” Carriggan noted logically.

 

“She’s in on it. Plus she has to work to pay all his medicals; we’re helping out by being that kids cheering session.”

 

“I’m just saying be cautious in the amount of cheer you apply. The boy is living on borrowed time; let that time be put to good use but plan for the bad days as well.”

 

“Oh we do,” Dean assured him, “we’ve had a couple of bad days this week and like I said we just change tactics a little but treat him as normal as possible.”

 

“I guess its mercenary for me to point this out to you, but you’re doing all of this and not getting one red cent in return.” Carriggan said priming the pump.

 

Dean suddenly looked severe, “We get a kid’s smile, we hear this little guy laugh as cartoons and cheer and jeer when we play video games together. I’d rather have that any day of the week.”

 

Carriggan smiled at them. “You would make good parents.”

 

“We’re not giving up on that notion.” Dean said. “We’re looking into having our place become an Emergency Foster Care home. We got the extra bedroom we just need to clean it out and outfit it like a guest room. And we’re also….” Dean paused unsure of how to broach this topic.

 

“What?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“We’re looking at adopting. We just got to prove we’re a fit household for a kid to be put into. We’re looking at a teenager.” 

 

“You think you’re ready for that kind of responsibility?” Carriggan asked doubtfully.

 

“We’re talking with counselors in agencies now.” Dean said smiling.

 

“What I’m worried about is how this will work on your down days as well as your up days.”

 

“That’s why we’re looking at a teenager. Preferably a gay teen so that they won’t have to live with hiding their identity.” Dean said quickly.

 

“Sounds like you’ve been talking about this pretty seriously.” Carriggan noted. 

 

“It’s been a lot to think about but we want to try to do this.” Sam said nodding.

 

“What about hunting?” Carriggan asked.

 

“That’s the only fly in the ointment. IF we do this, we’ll have to come off the road…for good.” Sam replied. “We know this and we’re not exactly 100% good with the idea we’re thinking of ways to make it work.” 

 

“I think this is wonderful progress. I just want you to continue with such positive attitudes.” Carriggan said.

 

“We want to continue with this positive attitude for as long as possible.” Dean said with a smile.

 

Dean pulled out his cell phone from his pocket and scrolled to the start of some pictures and passed it to Carriggan. The doctor took the phone and started flipping through the photos of what looked like either two brothers or a father and son out having a great day on the boardwalk. There were some photos that drew genuine laughs from the doctor and many if not all made him smile. There was a happy little boy, and either Sam or Dean looking filled to the max with happiness. He passed the camera back to Dean. 

 

“I take it you’re going to print those out for the mother?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Already downloaded them and made her a slide show disk of the day. “ Sam said with a grin. “It was nice to see her smiling for a change. 

 

“So what is your next plan?” Dr. Carriggan asked.

 

“We found out early on that he loves dinosaurs so we’re going to take him to the Natural History museum. We checked with his mom and it’s been months since he was last there. He always loves touring it and the great thing is that they have just changed one of their main displays.” Dean said excitedly. 

 

“You’ve pretty much invested your spare time in this one project.” 

 

“I wouldn’t exactly call Kyle a project.” Sam said bluntly.

 

“I know.” Carriggan commiserated. “But he is the sole focus of some of your free time. So tell me do you have a time period slated per his mother or doctor?” Carriggan asked.

 

“The doctors give him about six months.” Dean said seriously. “We uh, we’ve been talking with his mom privately finding out what the plans are for the last part of his life. She confirmed that there is a hospice that her group insurance sponsors. So when he gets too bad he’ll be checked into the hospice. We’ll continue to support him.”

 

“What about the mother?” 

 

“She’s in counseling twice a week that is preparing her for the end. She’s not excited of course but she’s getting more prepared. We spent one afternoon this past week while he was napping doing some end planning. We talked about stuff like funeral preparations and all that stuff. She was amazingly prepared. She’s been working with his school teachers and they and Kyle have been educating the class. And they are not so much preparing the class for his death, but they’re educating his friends as to what he has and what it’s doing to him. He was able to be in class for most of the year until the last month when he started getting regular headaches. Now he’s being schooled via internet connection to the classroom. And they are supporting him. She’s got his funeral arrangements planned, now she’s made a few changes against our wishes but she wants to include us in the program. I don’t like funerals.” Dean admitted.

 

“Funerals are really or should really be celebrations of a person’s life instead of this crying, carrying on that a lot of people have made them.”

 

“Good point.” Sam noted. “She’s got the music planned, the funeral, the memorial service, and all that stuff. He’s such a baseball fan and he played before he got seriously ill. So she’s going to have him buried in his baseball outfit, she’s insisting on few flowers and is going to have stuff like his favourite toys and stuffed animals in the casket with him.” Sam said somberly. “We did spend yesterday afternoon while he was napping coaching her through a crying session, well we all were. We don’t want to let go but we’ve no choice.”

 

“How do you feel about being included in the plans?” He asked Sam.

 

“Honoured…but at the same time, I really would prefer to be an observer than a participant. I don’t do well in public when my emotions go haywire and I think, yeah I think I’m going to need something to get through that.” Sam admitted.

 

“When the time comes I have just the thing to prescribe that will help. You see I understand what you’re going through, this is unfortunately one thing that I have had to deal with, and some of my patients have attempted suicide and one succeeded. This is totally different situation but is going to be significant for you and ultimately for me as well. “

 

“For you?” Dean asked. “You’re not connected to this kid.”

 

“Actually I am, through you. I will help you deal with the loss as well.” 

 

Dean and Sam exchanged looks for a moment and then looked significantly at the doctor. “We’re aware of what is going to happen; we’ve had to deal with death numerous times.” Dean said dismissively.

 

“Really, and does your experience include the death of a child?” Carriggan asked bluntly.

 

“It’s been a number of years but yeah.” Sam admitted. 

 

“And were you the agent of that child’s death?” 

 

“Yes, he was a werewolf, we had no choice. He had transformed and made to attack us. We shot him through the heart.” Dean said quietly.

 

“You see you were the agent of death to that child, you will be an agent of life to this child.”

 

Sam and Dean exchanged looks again and sat back against the sofa as if they’d had the wind knocked out of them.

 

“You see, for this past week and for as long as you interact with him you will be giving him life, something totally alien for you.” Carriggan told them.

 

“Shit.” Dean said after a moment, “it’s obvious and it makes sense, but I’ve never thought of it like that. I’m just thinking that we’re having fun. That’s all that matters. We’re living for a change. There is something in that.”

 

“Well, whatever you’re doing keep doing it; I like the upbeat change that I’m seeing in you two.” Carriggan said with a laugh.

 

It was then that Dean’s cell phone started vibrating in his pocket. 

 

“You gonna take that?” Sam asked hearing the buzz. Dean finally reached in and pulled out the phone and noted that it was Lynda’s number. 

 

“It was Lynda calling, probably to remind us about the museum.” Dean said dialing his voice mail. His face soon took on a pinched, pensive look and he glanced at Sam. 

 

“The museum trip will have to wait a day or so, Kyle’s down with a severe headache, the CNA had to give him the Naproxen. He’s sleeping now.” Dean said with a worried look.

 

“Does he have the migraines often?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Not really, but when he does have them they’re blinding for him.” Sam said equally worried.

 

“Do you want to cut the session short?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Well, he’s napping now; I really don’t want to disturb him.” Dean said.

 

“Okay we can go for a bit longer then we’ll call it a day.” Carriggan agreed. “So tell me, have you made any serious changes in your daily routine?” 

“We take more quality time out for ourselves in the evenings. Sam gets off his second shift at 10:00 and is usually home by 10:30. I’ll try to have him something light to eat when he comes in because I know he doesn’t get much of a chance or doesn’t take much time to eat proper on his break. I grab those mixed greens in the bag in the produce section and fix him a chef salad most nights.” Dean admitted.

 

“I take it you don’t turn down the attention?” Carriggan said with a grin.

 

“Are you kidding?” Sam scoffed. “This is the … “ he looked at Dean and took his hand a moment, “This is the tightest we’ve been in years.” Dean squeezed his hand in return and held on a moment longer than Sam thought he would.

 

“Have you thought about volunteering to help the kids support group at the cancer center?” Carriggan suggested.

 

“We’re thinking about that. We just want to see how this goes first.” Dean admitted.

 

“Seems like you’re a natural.” Carriggan said. Then he got up and walked over to his bookcase and looked through until he came to a particular book. He pulled out the thin volume and passed it to Sam.

“I’ll let you borrow that to read, it will give you a better perspective of what you’re dealing with and how to deal with it.”

 

“Dealing with…” Sam started.

 

“The death of a child.” Carriggan noted.

 

“You seem determined to drill that into us.” Dean said crossly.

 

“Dean, I’m trying to prepare you for the inevitable. You’re concentrating on all the good times you’re having. I think you need to go over there and help him through some of the bad times as well for your own sake.” Carriggan said rising. “Go…please.” He said.

 

Dean and Sam stood and then nodded. “We haven’t been over there much when he’s been like this.” Dean admitted.

 

The drive to the townhouse took maybe a half hour once they were out on the highway. Once there Lynda graciously received them and then led them into the kitchen. They sat around the table as coffee brewed. 

 

“Today’s not a good day.” She said by way of explanation.

 

“That’s okay; we figured that he might be able to use some buddy treatment today.” Dean said smiling slightly.

 

“I cannot begin to thank you both enough for all the time you’ve spent with him. It’s really making a difference.” She said smiling now as well.

 

“He and his dad were close?” Sam asked.

 

“Inseparable when he was home on leave. He didn’t go into service until Kyle was seven, so they had a lot of growing up time together.” 

 

They finished a cup when she stood. “I’m going to go and check on him.”

 

Dean and Sam followed they got up to the room and saw that he was sleeping still. He stirred slightly and cracked his eyes open a bit. Seeing Sam and Dean he smiled and slid over in bed.

 

“Go ahead Dean.” Sam said pushing his brother forward. Dean stumbled a bit and looked at Lynda who was smiling. Dean sat on the bed and then stretched out beside Kyle the youngster immediately grabbed him in a hug and snuggled in tight dozing back off.

 

“Hope you’re not going anywhere for a while.” Lynda said with a grin. Dean looked up and grinned back. Sam summed it up neatly.

 

“I can’t think of anywhere we’d rather be right now.”


	17. Chapter 17

It was a ten day stretch to their next appointment with Dr. Carriggan and they were cautiously positive as they sat in the waiting room. It was obvious they were nervous about something and showed it in the way they both jumped slightly at their names to come back. 

 

In the small library, study, office, cum “their” room they sat for a few moments on the sofa until Dean finally stood and started pacing checking his cell phone and then setting it on vibrate as the door opened. He nervously returned and like Sam was not so much sitting on the edge of the couch as they were in anxious anticipation.

 

“Well, my two dear cats in this room of rocking chairs, what’s going on in your world?” Carriggan asked pointedly taking his seat in the easy chair. 

 

“I had to have a secondary blood test done.” Dean remarked nervously.

 

“Okay, that’s not entirely unusual why does it have you this upset?” 

 

Dean tried to sit back and look nonchalant but was failing miserably. He looked at the doc with anxious eyes. “Had a regular blood work taken last Monday before our appointment then got a call back for another test Friday.” 

 

“Okay, false positives are not unknown in the medical field.” Carriggan noted carefully.

 

“I know it’s just got me on edge is all.” Dean said shortly.

 

“Are you experiencing pain in other areas, swelling, and indications of discomfort?” Carriggan asked carefully.

 

“No, not really.” Dean explained.

 

“Then don’t wish bad in light of no knowledge.” Then he looked to Sam. “You look equally upset, what is really wrong?” 

 

“When we went in for blood work Friday, Kyle was there for a checkup he was just coming out as we were going in. I grabbed him in the usual hug but he clung for a moment. That was when I knelt down and looked at his arm he had a Batman Band-Aid covering the point where some blood was drawn. I asked him what was wrong and he just said blood testing.” Sam said his voice tight for the moment, “Then he leaned into me and started crying. The nurses let us go together back to the exam room where I had my blood drawn while holding him in my lap. Me and Lynda exchanged glances. She told me the problem. Said his last checkup his white blood cell count was way off that could indicate the tumor was growing. He’s scheduled for an MRI this week.” Sam finished.

 

“And you’re expecting the worst no doubt.” Carriggan stated instead of asked.

 

“We’re just worried for him is all.” Dean said mustering his own courage and relaxing some so that he had a bit more of a casual slouch on the sofa.

 

“So how are you two doing other than waiting with baited breath for answers to the bloodwork?” 

 

“We feel fine,” Dean started “I mean yeah we’re worried about Kyle, but we’re doing good.”

 

“Well that’s a good sign.” Carriggan noted. “I noticed you have your cell phone out, waiting for a call from the lab?” 

 

“Yeah, they said they’d call if they found something suspicious.” Dean said with some casualness. Sam sat back but seemed to shrink slightly.

 

“You both are worrying over something that a) you have no control over the results and b) could possibly be good news instead of bad.” Carriggan chided. “You need to get back some of that positive energy you were throwing around last week.”

 

Dean sighed and looked towards the window behind the doctor. There was a hibiscus bush out there in full colours during this early winter weather in New Jersey. He started to calm down. 

 

“So how is work between the two of you, still splitting the shifts?” He asked.

 

“Yeah, It’s not so bad though, we both get up early enough to have breakfast together and then when I come in, in the evening Dean will sit with me while I eat a late snack and have a beer or soda or something with me.” Sam said relaxing now with moving his mind away from the tension causing elements. 

 

“Sounds like a good operation, what about you Dean, it this working out for you?”

 

“Actually yeah, he goes and sits three days a week now with Kyle and then we both go over on our days off or we go for walks along the beach, or down the boardwalk. There’s plenty to do for us. We’re not bored that’s for definite sure.” Dean finished with a smile.

 

“How about your private life that side that no one but you see how’s that going?” He asked.

 

“Better, we are enjoying each other more and experimenting to see what each of us likes and dislikes.” Sam answered.

 

“Yeah Sam is seriously into spanking.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“DEAN!” Sam exclaimed.

 

Carriggan barked a laugh, “It’s alright Sam! There’s nothing wrong with bondage or kink. Some of my couples are into some serious play which I’m not exactly comfortable with and some I downright have counseled them against.”

 

“We’re not into choking.” Dean said flatly.

 

“Good, I was about to get concerned over that.” Carriggan noted.

 

“No, we got choked enough in the field to know there is nothing sexually stimulating about losing your breath.” Sam said causing Carriggan to smile again.

 

“Please don’t tell me you have tried some electric play?” 

 

“Nothing other than dildos, that’s about all, also did find this one little gadget that we love. It’s a uretha probe.”

 

“Explain that please?” Carriggan asked even though he knew he wanted to hear the explanation.

 

“Dean or me get’s hard then while we are hard, we slip the tip into the piss slit, it burns and hurts at first, but then it’s like with some butt plugs and toys we have, the body seems to want to swallow them. It’s very stimulating for me, especially with it vibrating. That’s about as kinky as we’ve got. The rest is for the hard core group in my humble opinion.” Sam finished.

 

Just then Dean’s phone vibrated the doctor indicated it was alright, so he checked it and noted it was the lab he answered.

 

“Yeah?” He said cautiously.

 

“Just wanted to call and let you know that you white blood cell count came back slightly elevated, not enough to warrant worry about a repeat episode.” Samuelson said. “What I think is doing it is your dietary change. Your blood count is changing to a new norm level. We’ll watch it for now but no, it’s nothing to worry about at all.”

 

“Ok, thanks doc. I appreciate you letting me know.”

 

“No problem, you’re doing real good, I’m getting ready to release you.” Samuelson said.

 

“Oh! Ok, uh, sounds good.” Dean said cautiously.

 

“You’re a walking worrier aren’t you?” The doc said.

 

“You can tell?” 

 

“Yep, so quit it, there is nothing for you to worry about, when we took that nut we took the cause, there is nothing showing up in your blood count or the checking of your nodes. I’m going to release you to 3 month checkups to start then we’ll look at longer as we go along. Can you handle that?” 

 

“Yes sir.” Dean said chastened.

 

“Good. I’ll see you in a month for your regular checkup.”

 

“Ok, thanks again. Dean reiterated.

 

“Thank you, goodbye.” 

 

“Bye” and Dean disconnected the call.

 

He looked massively relieved. “He said my white blood cell count was slightly elevated but that it was probably due to a dietary change and there was absolutely nothing to worry about and nothing else showing up.” Dean let out a huge sigh of relief as Sam characteristically hugged him and tried to ease his own mind. 

 

“Sam, relax, it’s okay to chill out now and then.” Carriggan said with a grin.

 

Sam took a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief. “I was expected the worst so this surprise threw me a bit.” He admitted.

 

Carriggan laughed a bit to ease the overall tension and then smile at Dean and Sam, “Now you have something to celebrate. You are basically clean.”

 

“Yes, no STD’s, no AIDS, and now no Cancer.” Dean said his voice shaky with emotion at the relief he was feeling now.

 

He and Sam traded a look then Dean reached up and uncharacteristically gave Sam a hug and kiss. Carriggan smile at the relief which seemed to roll off both of them. He could practically feel the tension leaving the room. The his phone buzzed again he noted the number and took the call heedless of the situation.

 

“Hello, Lynda?” He asked.

 

“We have some wonderful news!” She said and he could tell she was in tears of joy. “Just got the word back that Kyle’s white blood cell count is leveling out to a fixed level. His cancer had stopped growth.” 

 

“THAT WONDERFUL!” Dean exclaimed. “Look can I call you back later we’re in an appointment right now.”

 

“Sure that would be great!” She exclaimed. 

 

They disconnected and Dean was grinning through tears of his own. “Kyle’s blood count is leveling the growth of the tumor evidently is halted for now. They’ve got some breathing room finally!!” He said emotionally and grabbed Sam in another hug. When they parted there were tears streaming down their cheeks and even Doc Carriggan was smiling with them.

 

“So now you have several things to celebrate. Enjoy this freedom and celebrate it to the max!” Carriggan advised. “Go ahead and get outta here you two and enjoy the day!” 

 

Sam and Dean stood and shook hands with the doc and left. Outside the clinic to the left was a huge dog park. 

 

“Wanna go walk it?” Dean asked.

 

“Sure.” Sam replied as Dean grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the trail. This for them was a moment of heaven and they were not about to let a negative thought spoil the afternoon.


	18. Chapter 18

The two week’s passed like syrup in January for Sam and Dean who sat with pensive expressions on their face as they waited their turn in the office. They’d just come from Lynda’s townhouse where Kyle was suffering from continual migraines again. It would seem that his run of good luck was short lived. It was a week after his last diagnosis on his blood work that the headaches began again. 

 

All three of them loved on him and fussed with him, but it was Sam’s turn as the bedtime comforter. His pain finally subsided after a max dose of the Naproxen was administered. Sam held him tightly as he cried from the pain of the headache more than the pain of the medicine injection. The Sam overheard her talking to Dean in whispered tones and he glanced down quickly to see that Kyle was in his usual position tucked up tight under Sam’s left arm, and asleep at last. He heard the word hospice mentioned and saw how see was denying the need for that when Dean told her that at least he would have 24 nursing care, something none of them could give. They could psychologically and emotionally comfort him but if he was required to be on an IV they were lost. Dean mentioned that if it came to that they would help her anyway they could.

 

They were so caught up in that thought that once again they jumped when called. In the office they sat back against the sofa with a resigned expression, Sam with an anxiously resigned expression if there could be one. Dean knew he would rather have stayed with Kyle until he woke on his own. And they were determined to go back over as soon as this appointment was done.

 

Carriggan came in and saw the combined nervousness and leapt right to the heart of the problem. “Either bad news for you Dean, or for Kyle.” He said trying to lighten the mood a bit and it did work. 

 

Dean sat there for a long moment just staring into space then he mechanically told the doctor everything that they’d been told.

 

“You knew this could happen.” Carriggan told them. 

 

The both nodded and took deep breaths.

 

“How are you doing with regards to your own mental health?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Pretty good, I’ve been able to work full shifts now with Bob doing some interior work since we’re out of the building season. Evidently I’ve a good eye for colour balance and some ideas with changing interiors that has impressed Bob, so he’s got me running consulting runs as well as doing the physical work. It’s good solid work.” Dean said with a bit of a smile.

 

“Sam?” Carriggan posed.

 

“I’m good, working full shifts as well, supposed to be getting a promotion soon.” Sam said proudly.

 

“This is good, good news for you both? Is it helping to balance out the stress you are feeling from Kyle’s prognosis?” 

 

Sam answered, “Yeah, before we came over she mentioned that she was going to look into the hospice and see exactly what they had for a kid his age considering most hospice patients are somewhat older.” Sam flushed a bit with a memory, “We did break down a bit and got the kid a laptop so it would make it easier to play some of his games he likes. And we’re helping Lynda out with helping get groceries now and then and stuff like that. The expenses that her insurance isn’t covering right now are pretty hefty. Thank God, the kid qualifies for Medicaid and meets the Criteria under the new Health Act that helps keep most of the costs reasonable. But still.”

 

“Dean, Sam, I have to say that I’m concerned for your own health and well being right now. You two are committing a great deal to a situation that is not going to get any better. It’s admirable what you’ve done and are doing. God knows I wish I had more patients like you. But you have GOT to stop for a moment and take YOU time. You both are doing great things but a fat lot of good it will do you if you only cause yourselves to decline.” Carriggan finished his speech one of the longest he’d given them in the history of their seeing him.

 

“We know, we’re watching out for ourselves as well. Lynda gets onto us for spending so much time with them, but…we feel committed somehow.” Dean explained.

 

“That is that little gem of nobility that is in your breast that you probably work to deny having.” Carriggan said with a laugh.

 

“Yeah, something like that.” Dean replied grinning lopsidedly.

 

Sam looked thoughtful for a moment and caught the doctor’s attention. “What little rabbit is running through your brain Sam.”

 

“Just thinking how ironic it is that here we are in the middle of a crisis and we’re having some of the best sex of our lives.”

 

“SAMMY!” Dean exclaimed this time.

 

“Let him continue.” Carriggan said looking at Sam.

 

“The last few nights it’s like we can’t keep our hands off each other when we get home. Hell it’s like one of those rampant romance novels where clothing goes flying behind closed doors. We’re usually naked by the time we reach the bedroom.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“And you’re bitching about this…why?” Dean said still struck with the blatant talk of their sexuality.

 

“I’m not bitching, I’m excited by it, I haven’t been this horny in month and I’ve had some horny moments. God you’d think I was pregnant.”

 

“Don’t go there Sammy! With our connections in the world of the supernatural it wouldn’t surprise me if a witch or something like were to pull a stunt like that for kick and giggles.”

 

“Dean, you gotta admit that lately with all the crisis’ on our hands we’ve found some us time in fact the adrenaline rush from helping run into us when we’re at home and now when we are in public.”

 

“Well yeah…but…” Dean tried but Sam overrode him.

 

“Hell Dean, the other day you grabbed me up in the middle of the park and gave me one of the hottest kisses I can remember. Then we both blushed for the next half hour at the audience we created. Oh there were some gasps of dismay, and a few titters, but there was three obviously gay and lesbian couples who outright applauded us.”

 

“This is wonderful news, Sam.” Carriggan expressed. “So evidently Dean you are getting more comfortable with your personal selection in orientation.”

 

“I, quite frankly, don’t know what the hell came over me. But it seemed like the right place and time to do that, so…I did.” 

 

“So you did.” Carriggan said echoing the sentiment and laughing. “I’m glad that you did. Now you’ve got your own investment in this coupling. Is this affecting your judgment in any areas?” 

 

“Well I find myself calling Sam on my free time checking in and the like, sometimes he’ll pass the phone to Kyle, if he’s over there and we talk for a bit. It’s cool.” Dean said thoughtfully.

 

“What about just you two?” He asked.

 

Sam looked thoughtful for a long moment and then smiled a bit. “He brought me a book in from one of the downtown stores that he thought I’d like; it was a biography of an actor. I laughed at first but read through it in a couple of days. I was surprised that reading for the sake of reading was fun.” Then he looked at the slightly confused expression on the doctor’s face.”Usually when I’m reading something it’s basically research for the job we’re on.” 

 

“So you actually took some quality time for yourself?” Carriggan said looked at him carefully for his response. 

 

“Yeah I guess I did, in a way I felt guilty afterwards. But I am realizing more that Kyle is our buddy but not our blood no matter how much I try to picture him as such. Still we’re going over there after the appointment to talk with her about the hospice she and he were going to look at this afternoon.”

 

“Do you think that she should be exposing him to a hospice situation at his age?” Carriggan asked.

 

“If I were say her brother I would probably sit with him at home while she goes to check it out, then depending on what she thought I would permit him to go with her on the next trip to see it.” Sam admitted.

 

Dean nodded, “Yeah, the kid’s smart, no doubt about that. But to expose him to a center like that immediately I don’t know it would seem to be a bit much in my opinion.”

 

“We’ve spent a lot of time talking about Kyle’s relation to you and how that relationship is affecting you but how is your relationship affecting him?”

 

“He knows that we’re brothers, and that’s all he needs to know.” Dean said stoutly.

 

“So you’re keeping your other status under wraps around him?” 

 

“His mom knows but we’ve agreed with her that he doesn’t need that information right now.” 

 

“But something else has you disturbed as well?” Carriggan said as he sat back in his chair.

 

“That obvious or are you psychic as well?” Sam asked.

 

“There are some levels of disturbance which I can read in a person, so yes in a way I guess I am psychic.” He said with a grin.

 

“I went over the other day to sit with him on one of her regular days on work and she had some paperwork laying out on the coffee table. Normally I’d let it be but I saw mine and Dean’s names on the paperwork and I suddenly became interested. She was filling out the paperwork for hospice care and part of that included immediate disposition of the person after their death. We were mentioned as alternates in the event that she was unable to serve as to give that disposition. She got in that afternoon and I had a couple of hours before Dean was getting off work so we sat down and chatted while Kyle played Red Faction on his X-Box. And before you ask about exposing that kid to that level of violence, he considers what is happening to his body by these mutated cells to be even more violent. We sat down and talked the issue off and she had full plans made. She wanted him dressed out in his softball uniform, which is what he did before his illness finally put him homebound. She had everything planned out in advance. Up to and including having me and Dean speak at the memorial service.”

 

“How did you feel about that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Honoured but frightened. I mean I took public speaking classes in we sometimes held mock trials where I would have to defend or prosecute in college. But speaking a eulogy? I’ve never done one and the thought of doing one over someone that young tears my heart out.” Sam said his voice cracking on the last.

 

Dean had to nod, “I’m no public speaker, and to think she wants me to talk in polite company about this boy, I’m scared.” 

 

“Does Kyle know about these arrangements?” Carriggan asked.

 

“He strongly suspects and it’s actually cool with him, he did corner his mom one night when I stopped by after work and asked her what music she’d picked out for his funeral. Her face froze and she didn’t know what to say at the start and I opened my big mouth and asked him what music would he like. He started rattling off some tunes that were his favourite, some of the stuff he would’ve had to have listened to with his dad. But he lay out the list of music for his mom. He even told his mom to tell people not to buy a lot of flowers, he said that make me sneeze.” Dean said with a fond grin.

 

“I went home that night feeling the weight of what it must be to be a parent and I was just a local bum who shared the fact that I had cancer too.” Dean further said.

 

“So what was your first action when you got home?” 

 

“I walked in walked through the house and out the back door and pounded on a sycamore that had no other purpose than to have grown up in out yard. By the time I finished I’d broke the skin over a couple of knuckles that Sam had to treat for me. Then I sat there over my shot of whiskey crying my eyes out.” Dean said tiredly. “I’ve never felt so useless in all my life.”

 

“But you weren’t. You were the impetus to help Kyle’s mom in a moment of distress.” Carriggan noted.

“You will be her impetus again soon enough I fear.” 

 

“What makes you say that?” Dean asked.

 

“I’ve talked with my colleague Samuelson, without mentioning names we got around to particulars in the case. It seems that the tumor in his brain is buried in the parietal cleft, putting extreme pressure on both hemispheres. It is about the size of a golf ball.”

 

“JESUS CHRIST!” Dean swore.

 

“They’ve tried to get at it with radiation but no luck, normally this would be major brain surgery but the tumor at least according to MRA and MRI results shows the tumor spreading roots so even if he were able to excise the tumor the roots would metastasize into some as lethal. I’m sorry boys this is a no win case.”

 

Carriggan was indeed choked up as well at the end of the explanation. They sat in silence for several minutes until at last Dean spoke. 

 

“He just 10 years old.” Dean said through unshed tears. Sam was shaking. Dean reached out and held him as he turned and leaned into Dean venting his frustration in muffled screams and shouts through his sobs. The doctor got up and walked out then came back in, in a few minutes with a white tablet and a glass of water.

 

Sam looked at him through the tears. “It’s Ativan.” The doctor explained Sam took the tablet and swallowed it with some of the water thanking the doctor. “I’m sorry Sam, I know he’s a special friend to you, you’ve been there to play with him, take him out on walks, carried him piggy back when he was too tired to walk. You’ve been his most special buddy through all this. Dean you’ve been there as a big teddy bear, someone he can cuddle up to, to chase away the fears and nightmares. You see, I’ve not been there with you, but from what you’ve told me I am understanding your emotional investment. Dean, have you explained this to your boss. 

 

“Yeah, he knows we’re helping out. He understands, he has a little girl, 6 who is autistic. He’s with me on this.”

 

“What about you Sam?”

 

“I’ve talked with my boss about this that’s how I got the second shift job. He is going to promote me to a management position at the end of the month.”

 

“How are you handling the frustration?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Through bondage, some sadism on both our parts, we bought a cat-o-nine-tails and it’s come in handy. We’re both pain-sluts, so that’s not an issue. Although it makes for more than a few jokes on the job when I come in chafed or strapped and sore. I guess Sam gets the same treatment where he works.” Dean mentioned.

 

Sam laughed, “Actually when they see me come in with near perfect posture they know we’ve been at it hard and heavy. Tommy, the first shift chef will give me a playful slap on the ass or back when he knows we’ve mixed it up. It’s all in good fun so I’m not bitching about it.” 

 

“So you do have an outlet, good.” Carriggan noted. “Keep that outlet opened you’re gonna need it.” He looked at them with some concern. “Just be careful with the bondage/sadism thing. You may not realize it but frustration can bleed into your sex play and you could end up hurting the other physically.”

 

“We can take it.” Dean rebuffed with a grin.

 

“I’m not saying that to hear my gums flap. I’m quite serious. Talk out your frustrations before you play, give them an outlet but don’t let it be each other.” 

 

“We’re careful.” Sam observed.

 

Dr. Carriggan walked over to another of the many drawers that are built in the book cases and opened it and sudden stunned them by laying out a cat of nine tails, a leather paddle, a bondage mask, a ball gag. “Do I need to go on?” He asked, and they shook their heads as he put it up. 

 

“I have several patients who are into kink the presence of something like that is enough to get them to open up to me. That leather paddle can do some damage the glutes, the cat of nine tails can do spinal injury. They are wonderful kink toys but applied too aggressively can seriously injure.”

 

“We’ll keep that in mind.” Dean offered. 

 

“Now back to your immediate problem, it sounds like Kyle’s little system is winding down. So you better be prepared for a call. You will be some of the first that will called if you’re not there when he passes. It’s gonna hit fast and hard. There is no way to prepare for this. Only realize that he is far better off dead that suffering like that.” Doc Carriggan held up his hands “Yes, I know that sounds terribly callous and perhaps it is. But I’m trying to help you prepare.”

 

“How do you prepare for the death of a 10 year old boy?” Dean asked his voice thick.

 

“I honestly have to say that I haven’t a clue.” Doc Carriggan said looking at them with equal misery. “The bigger trick though is not preparing yourselves for the death of a 10 year old boy, but preparing the 10 year old boy for death.”

 

“We’ve been working on that. Gently, of course.” Sam mentioned. “It’s just hard to imagine that there is actually a cancer out there that they can’t kill before it kills.”

 

“Medical science had progressed in great leaps and bounds, but Cancer and AIDS are still two of the nation’s biggest killers and the ones with the least respect for age.” Carriggan said. “You’re going over to see him today?”

 

“Yeah we were going over there this evening after say 6:00, that’s when he is his perkiest.” Dean said.

 

“You got a game plan for the evening?” 

 

Sam grinned a little, “Usually he kicks Dean’s ass at video games for an hour or so, then we have something special like ice cream or such together. We help get his bath and then get him bundled into bed. There’s so much he used to be able to do that he has to have help with, well he’s a little frustrated.” 

 

“Understood. Frustration is often the key way to grade a patients emotional mood for the given observation period.”

 

“It doesn’t suck to use as a grading tool on us either.” Sam said.

 

“And if you have the chance, bring in some cell phone photos taken candidly of interaction.” Carriggan said.

 

“Sure doc but uh why?” Dean asked.

 

“You’ve got my interest piqued in this case, I would like to see him in action, maybe I can give you some pointers to help.” 

 

“Cool sounds like a winner.”

 

Leaving the building they looked around for a moment. Dean grabbed Sam by the hand and pulled him along past the parking lot towards the downtown district of that area of town. 

 

“What’s up?” Sam asked catching up with him.

 

“I wanted to go for a walk.” Dean responded.

 

They shared a look and a smile, then a kiss, then they melded into the flow of people around them.


	19. Chapter 19

The waiting room was substantially filled when they got there and they were told by the nurses on duty that it would be a bit of a wait, if they’d like they would given them a call about 15 minutes before an opening occurred. They were told the average wait time was going to be about 2 hours, but the doc was going to stay in the office until all his appointments were seen. Dean thanked her made sure she had their cell numbers and then they went without a word and drove over to the hospice center to visit Kyle. 

 

His room was set up in a way that was not boring or dull. He had a TV and his laptop there with him along with the X Box. Today was a bad day; he was lying on the bed miserable. When Dean and Sam came in he turned away from them for a moment then when they were at his bedside he whipped around and threw himself at them Dean caught him and held onto him while he cried out his frustration. Sam was right in there with him the nurses had him on an IV as he couldn’t keep liquids and food down right now. He finally got himself cried out and they lay him back carefully on the mattress. He groaned as he shifted.

 

“My stupid, stupid head.” He said beat at it with his hands until Sam caught him.

 

“Hey sport, that’s not gonna help matters. Come on, relax a bit.” Dean said smoothing his brow some. The nurse came in and checked him and then gave him a shot into the IV line. 

 

“What up kiddo, headache?” Dean asked.

 

He looked up to Dean and squinted, “It hurts all the time now and it’s like I need glasses, I can’t see things far off real clear.” 

 

Dean and Sam froze momentarily, the tumor was blinding him. They immediately turned their attention back to him and started kidding with him and joking with him until the drug the nurse injected took over and made him sleepy. They both leaned in to get a hug and give him a good night kiss. Then they decided to stop at a bar on the way back towards the doctor’s office and grab a couple of beers. They were in the middle of the first round looking at the table not trusting themselves to look at each other for the moment when the lady tending the bar walked over watching them nurse their beers, they were also the only patrons in the bar at that time of day. 

 

“Chin up lads, it can’t be all that bad.” She said in a broad Irish accent.

 

“Ma’am our 10 year old brother is lying in hospice care right now dying of brain cancer. It can be that bad.” She walked over to the bar and poured them a shot each. And one to herself. She put the drinks down on the table and laid a hand on each ones shoulder, you may not be the praying type but I’m saying God and St. Michael watch over the boy. Then she tipped the shot back and killed it. Dean and Sam followed her example. Then started to work on the beers. They were halfway through their beer when Dean’s cell went off.

 

“Yeah!?”

 

“Dr. Carriggan’s office calling. He’ll be ready to see you in a half hour.”

 

“Thanks” Dean said and hung up. He looked at Sam, “Half hour.” 

“You drive.” Dean said the shot hitting his system. 

 

“Maybe that shot of whiskey wasn’t such a good idea.” Sam said looking at Dean.

 

“Fuck you. Drive.” Dean said and Sam braced himself, this was going to be a difficult afternoon. 

 

They were Doc Carriggan’s office soon enough and Dean had to be helped in by Sam. The waiting room was practically empty. The nurse saw Dean’s shape and motioned them on back.

 

“Are you gonna be okay?” She asked Dean.

 

“Sure, just can-can’t hold muh liquor.” He stammered. It was some few minutes wait but Carriggan made it into the room finally, Dean was slowly starting to level out from the shot. 

 

“Drinking early today aren’t we?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Fuck that, bad news.” Dean said so Sam went into detail explaining their trip to the hospice center and how they found Kyle. 

 

“Well I’m no Oncologist but I would say that your boy looks like he’s on his way out.” The doctor said sadly professional. 

 

Dean nodded as did Sam, it was obvious that they were valiantly holding their emotions in check. 

 

“Are you going back over when you leave here?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Would you advise it?” Sam asked.

 

The doctor shook his head, “Sam, you boys got a lot of emotion invested in that boy’s health. You’ve seen him already today, you said that when you left him he was sleeping, knowing what they give at these hospices he’s going to be sleeping for a while. Let him have some quiet time. Give him some of your time tomorrow.” 

 

Dean and Sam thought that over, Dean was slowly coming back to sober but still had the look of being alcoholically tranced. “And Dean no more liquor for you for a couple of days, in fact, I would say leave it alone until this business with Kyle is settled.” Carriggan advised.

 

“Why you say that?” Dean asked.

 

“Cause the alcohol and your emotions right now are a volatile mix and you don’t need to add that to the equation of your daily life. Just let go of the whiskey for a few days.” 

 

“Doc is there any way you can find out some information about Kyle for us from Doc Samuelson?” Sam asked.

 

“Sam you know that’s not an ethical thing you’re asking. The boy has a right to his privacy.” Carriggan said soberly. 

 

“I know, it’s just we don’t want to trouble Lynda, if you catch my drift.”

 

“Sam, don’t ask me to do this again.” Carriggan warned and phoned Samuelson’s office. They put him through and shortly the doctor was on the line.

 

“Julian Hi, how’s your day?”

 

“Like hell, had an emergency call first thing this morning slapped my day behind by about two hours.” Carriggan said. “I’m calling about a young patient of yours. Kyle Bunch?”

 

“Oh yeah, him, I was just over at hospice, he’s on his way out. Give him six weeks on the outside and that’s being damn generous. I’ve got him started on a slightly higher dose of pain meds. I just hate to see kids with this shit.” Samuelson said. “I take it two of your patients are asking.

 

“Yeah they’re here with me in an appointment and well…”

 

“Yeah, well, for what it’s worth Ms. Bunch gave me written permission to release information to them so have them give me a call later or meet me over there tomorrow at 9:00 I’ll give them the low down then.”

 

“Al you’re a prince among Doctors.”

 

“Ah I bet you tell that to all the guys in white!” Samuelson jeered.

 

“Only to those of us who have to stick with the dickin.”

 

“Heard that. What time you out of there?”

 

“Should be done about seven or so. Why?”

 

“Drop by the house, I’ve got a cold one waiting on ya.”

 

“Appreciate that, but my missus would probably….”

 

“She would understand. Come on by we need to unwind.”

 

“Okay, see you about 7:30.” 

 

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

“Later.” Carriggan said then turned to Sam and Dean. “Well you boys are in luck. Ms. Bunch has signed off to give you permission to get information about Kyle’s case. Dr. Samuelson said to meet him over there at 9:00 tomorrow and he’ll give you the low down.”

 

“You’ll have to go for me.” Dean said not quite as drunken sounding now.

 

“I know. I will.” Sam assured him. “What’s the word you got?”

 

“6 weeks on the outside and that’s being generous.” Carriggan said. 

 

Sam and Dean both started to tear up majorly now and valiantly tried to keep a reign on their emotions. Carriggan shook his head. “That’s going to do you more harm than good and you know it.” He chided their ‘cult of manhood’ reaction. They leaned into each other then and slowly let it go. 

 

“You’ve both done some great work for that boy, you took on a difficult task, there’s just one more thing you gotta do after you bury the boy.” Carriggan said. “You’ll have to include the mother in some of your outings or events.”

 

“We know and we will.” Dean assured him.

 

“So tell me what’s new with just you two.” Carriggan asked.

 

“We went to the Starving Artists sale the other day, picked up a couple of pieces to go in the house.” 

 

“So you boys are officially coming off the road from hunting?” 

 

“No, but we’re going to confide out hunts closer maybe, I don’t know. It’s a major decision.” Sam said quietly.

 

“I want to go ahead and do some hunting; Dean likes the life we got now. He thinks that I think he’s selfish and I don’t.”

 

“Yeah you do.” Dean slurred slightly.

 

“Don’t.” Sam said with a grin. “I’m just so used to us being on the road, these past months have been a challenge and a nice change. I’ll have to admit.”

 

“You like playing house.” Carriggan joked.

 

Sam patted Dean’s thigh, “I’ve got a good mate to play house with.” He said with a grin. Dean grinned back and snuggled in a bit closer.

 

“He’s a snuggler when he’s drunk.” Dean laughed.

 

“So sue me.” Dean said.

 

Carriggan looked at them both a minute before getting up and looking out the window. “Have you thought about having another block party?” He joked.

 

“Not with the weather as cold as it is in the afternoons and evenings.” Sam returned the joke. “Might plan a mixer the closer it gets to Christmas. Definitely will have to do something special with Lynda unless she decides to go spend it with family.” 

 

“That’s something you probably should broach with her early on so that plans can be made.” Carriggan suggested.

 

“Good point.” Dean said starting to come out of his stupor. “What’d you let me drink that shot for?” He said to Sam.

 

“Because we were in about the same shape as me and you needed it.” Sam answered plainly. 

 

“I won’t be any good for the rest of the day.” He said shaking his head.

 

“What about you Dean, how do you feel about the way this situation is shaping up? I mean it is monopolizing your lives for right now.” 

 

“Doc, there are few other things I’d prefer to do on my days off. This kid has given us hope for ourselves. The least we can do is take that hope and share it back to him.” Dean said quietly.

 

“We had some rough days and some good ones.” Sam acknowledged.

 

“Well you’re about to experience some of the roughest.” Carriggan noted. “You both of emotionally strong enough to get through this, I’m frankly worried about the mother.”

 

“Why?” Dean asked curious.

 

“Dean, the suicide rate is highest during the holiday season, her child will be dead before Thanksgiving and there’s not a damn thing I can do because she’s not my patient. This sounds like an advertisement but mention me to her, I’ll be glad to give her first consult free. So that means you two will have to be more supportive as friends.”

 

“Hospice has got counselors who work with the families, and they are paying special attention to her right now.” Sam said.

 

“Good, that’s good news to hear.” Carriggan noted. 

 

“So here’s the homework I have set for you between now and our next appointment. Work your own fears and feelings about death out. Talk to each other honestly about your fears and feelings and be prepared to come to the next meeting to share. Because you two need to come to terms as well.”

 

They left the office and started towards their home when they traded a look at a stop light and changed lanes and did a switch back and went to the hospice. In the parking lot they traded looks. 

 

“You realize he’ll probably be asleep?” Dean said.

 

“If he is we can talk some with Lynda, she needs us now as well.” Sam said as they got out of the Impala and made their way into the hospice. They walked down the cheerfully painted hallway to a room where they hear a TV set playing low. Kyle was sitting up in bed watching “Bleach” with his mother. The episode was about over and he waved at them as they came in his attention on the set. It wound up and he leaned back against his pillow a moment breathing heavily and then grinned as they came over.

 

“Oh so today’s a good day.” Dean said with a smile. Lynda sat there in her uniform. When they came in she stood.

 

“Sorry to say hi and run but I’ve got to get to work.” She said quickly.

 

That was when Sam spoke up, “Lynda we’re planning an adult mixer party in a couple of weeks if we help you with the CNA would you come.”

 

“Please say you’ll go mom!” Kyle pleaded. She looked worriedly at him and then at them. 

 

“It seems my arm is being twisted; okay just give me the date later okay?” She bent down kissed Kyle and was off. Kyle grinned up at them still. 

 

“Good move guys!” He said bumping fists with both of them. 

 

“Head feeling better this afternoon?” Sam asked.

 

“Yeah, lots. Doctor Samuelson told the nurses to give me a different drug for headaches and it hurts a little bit but nothing like what it did.” He chimed. Then he looked at Dean, “Go head to head with you in Red Faction winner plays Sam!” 

 

So Sam got up and closed the room’s door as they booted up the X-Box. Then he looked at them a long moment. 

 

“That’s a deep thought you got going on.” Dean said.

 

“Nah, just wondering, you guys might know, but I been dreaming a lot about my dad and us playing X-Box or outside running playing catch and stuff. But it seems so real. Is that normal?” 

 

Dean and Sam traded a quick look and smiled at him. “About as normal as anything else.” Sam said with a grin. “But I think maybe it could be a little real.” 

 

“That meant’s it’s getting closer doesn’t it?” He said seriously for a moment. 

 

Sam looked at him closely. “Remember that pinkie promise we may not to lie. Well this isn’t a lie. Some people when they get close like this remember or have dreams with people who already gone over. It’s not unusual. And sometimes in our dream world we can just touch heaven to be with them for real.”

 

“Wow!” He breathed. Then his attention was on the roll up music for the game and like that his attention was diverted for which Sam breathed a silent prayer. 

 

Dean got trashed in the game and Sam wasn’t much better. “We need to play more often so we can win occasionally.” Dean told him with a grin. 

 

“How’s your vision today?” Dean asked.

 

“Well people at the door are fuzzy, but I can see the TV pretty much clear.”

 

“Good, that’s a good sign.”

 

“Yeah sometime I…” His thought was cut off by his little body suddenly starting to shake and tremble then he went into a full blown seizure. They hit the call button and a nurse was in there in a shake. She came over and carefully eased his little trembling shaking form on his side then after it was all over she checked his IV line to be sure it did get compromised. Gave him a little smile. Checked his pajama pant and seeing they were dry nodded and left them alone. He slowly came out of the seizure and started to cry. The nurse was back in with a syringe after a minute and eased some medication into his line. 

 

Sam and Dean traded looks, “It’s your turn.” Sam told Dean and he lifted the little form and slid him over in the bed and the crawled up with him cradling him against his chest. He cried a little longer and the looked up to Dean who bent down and kissed his forehead as the little boy closed his eyes to sleep. The nurse came back around in a few minutes to check on him and noted with approval the position he was in with Dean and smiling left them. They stay like that for about two more hours. With both of them silently crying during their time with him. When Dean finally pulled away, Kyle shifted a little then drifted back to sleep. They tucked him in and then left for the evening checking out with his charge nurse. They assured them that they would keep an eye on him. 

 

The ride home was one in silence. Sam reached over and laid a hand on Dean’s thigh. “Do you mind?” He asked a silent request. Dean threw hi s arm up over the back of the seat to give Sam a chance to snuggle in close for the remainder of the ride home. 

 

“What are we gonna do when it comes time for him to cross?” Dean asked his voice shaky.

 

“We’ll be there with him.” 

 

“You’ll be there and Tessa will take him gently.” Castiel said from the back seat. 

 

“Long time no see oh great feathered one.” Dean said, Sam didn’t move from his place at Dean’s side.

 

“I’ve been busy in Heaven, it’s been difficult for me. I’m still atoning for my sin of pride.”

 

“I’m frankly a little surprised you didn’t get booted out of heaven for that little episode.” Dean said.

 

“I’m equally surprised.” Castiel said truthfully. “I should have been, that was for me at least unforgiveable. But the Father was merciful, even grateful for the work I’d done. All of which struck me as very strange.”

 

“I would imagine so.” Sam surmised.

 

“So what do we owe this privilege?” Dean said with a grin as they pulled onto the street with their home. 

 

“One I was checking in with you and to tell you that the child will live two more weeks, he will pass when you both are with him, he will be in a comatose state when Tessa claims him. And his father has been given leave to be there with her to take him to heaven with him.”

 

“So his father did make it?” Dean asked.

 

“You really should talk to the mother. The husband was a good man, he followed his orders but did not fire his weapon in anger or to avenge but to protect his life. He helped orphans who were stranded by the war find a place of safety, he did a lot of good.” Castiel noted. 

 

“Well just damn it all!” Dean said listening to the recitation. “Wait a minute you said the kid is in a comatose state, when does that happen?” Dean asked very concerned. 

 

“Three days at sundown, he’ll slip into this coma after several bouts of headaches.” Castiel said quietly. 

 

“Will he suffer?” Dean asked.

 

“No, the medications they will start him on will null the pain sharply along with his other senses.” 

 

“How long before this series starts?” Dean asked. 

 

“In two days.” Castiel said solemnly. “I wish I had better news, I know this child is special to you both.”

 

Dean was pulling into their driveway now. He turned to Sam, “You’re sitting with him tomorrow?” 

 

“Yeah, I’ll be there all day and may call into work and stay the evening shift as well.” When you come pick me up tomorrow we’ll run by the house long enough for me to shower then we’re going over there.”

 

“You realize there is nothing you can do to change events?” Castiel said.

 

“We can be there.” Dean said coldly.

 

“That you can. And you four will be the better for it.” Castiel said touched.

 

“There is nothing you can do?” Sam asked. 

 

“I am forbidden to interfere in this.” Castiel said miserably.

 

They all got out and went into the house, Dean turned to look at Sam who was looking back as miserable. 

 

“I’ve fought wendigo, orcs, trollocs, witches, werewolves, vampires…” As Dean listed these off tears spilled down his cheeks.

 

“You cannot fight Death.” Castiel warned.

 

“No, but I can bargain with him.” He said wiping his cheeks furiously.

 

“Not this time Dean.” They whirled and faced the Angel of Death himself.

 

“Why this child?!” Dean charged his hands clenched into fists.

 

“Because this childs death will save your life.” Death said cryptically then vanished.

 

They all stood around looking at each other for a moment and then Castiel seemed to cock an ear. “I’m being beckoned, I’m sorry. Truly I am.” He said and he vanished.

 

“Dean I know this sounds terribly selfish of me. We got leftovers in the fridge, how about we eat in tonight and just go to bed.”

 

“I’m not feeling very sexy.” Dean warned his tension high.

 

“Neither am I,” Sam said sadly. “Let’s just hold each other if you think you can stomach that.” Sam said with a little smile. They walked together into the small kitchen to prepare a simple plate to heat up.

 

Two days later they were at the child’s bedside, his vision was almost completely gone now. Lynda stood next to the bed holding a very scared child’s hand. He then slid over in bed closer to him mom which Dean and Sam knew what that was a signal of. This time it was Sam’s turn, so he crawled up into bed with him and tucked him in close. 

 

“Sam…I’m scared.” He said with a slight whimper to his voice. Sam swallowed against a lump that appeared in his throat as he fought to talk to the boy. 

 

His mom was in tears and being comforted by Dean. Sam cleared his throat. “I’m scared too. I’m scared for you. I know you’re brave, but this is not fun at all.”

 

“I’m dying aren’t I?” He said matter-of-factly with with that break in his little voice. “Please tell me the truth.”

 

“Yes kiddo, you’re coming to the end of the road, we talked with an angel, and they told us that you’d be all right, you’d be brave to the very end. We’ll be right here with you even if you don’t know we’re here. We won’t leave you alone.” 

 

Then he started crying and Sam held him close, his mother stroking his arms, chest and face. Sam leaned in and whispered for those gathered to hear. “You’ll see your father again, I promise.” This did not help abate the tears and he complained of the pain, the nurse hearing the crying came in to check him then left, she came back a few minutes later with a loaded syringe and injected it into the IV line. They all had a chance to cradle him in these last moments, he looked up in his mother’s direction and reached out a hand. She took it carefully.

 

“Love you mama, love you Dean, love you Sam. Then he slipped into sleep. Sam got up from the bed making him comfortable then turning away as tears flowed unchecked from his eyes. He stumbled around the bed and Dean was going no better. They all stayed the night, chairs were brought in to make them comfortable. They shifted Kyle in his sleep and his mom crawled up in bed with him. She held him tight in her arms and rocked him gently, this seemed to cause a satisfied sigh to escape the child as he slept on. 

 

Morning came with all three of them in various positions in the room. They left Lynda to occupy the bed with Kyle, the nurses came in regularly to check his diaper and his IV. It was just after 8:00 that Dean woke, he got up and stretched then walked out in the hall pulling out his cell.

 

“Bob?”

 

“Hey Dean what’s up?” 

 

“Kid’s doing real bad, can you spare me today?” 

 

“Sure. You take care of business.” Bob said.

 

“Thanks.” He told his boss. Then he went back into the bedroom where Kyle was waking and stretching some waking his mother.

 

“Hey baby.” She said holding him tightly.

 

He fussed a little over the mothering, but very little. The nurses came around then and brought in the bathing cart. He fussed over this embarrassed then Dean and Sam grinning stepped out into the hallway while the nurse went about her ministrations with Lynda to help.

 

The bathing was over in minutes and the nurse was coming out with the cart. Sam and Dean nodded at Dr. Samuelson as he came around on his round. He nodded in return and greeted them.

 

“You boys up early.” He said walking up.

 

“We spent the night.” Dean explained.

 

“Bad night?” Samuelson asked.

 

“It was close for a little bit.” Sam acknowledged.

 

“You boys excuse me a minute.” He went into the room calling out to Kyle as he went in. The exam took a few minutes. Then he came out. “I don’t like what I’m seeing. I feel almost a hundred percent sure that the tumor is getting more aggressive. I want him in imaging this morning for a new MRI.” He said calling the center to make arrangements. 

 

It was only an hour before an ambulance crew was there to load him up on a gurney for the ride over to the Imaging Center. It was three hours before he was back in the room and resting. Tired from just the transporting. 

 

The sun was on the ridgeline of the cities horizon when Dean, Sam, and Lynda gathered close to him. 

 

“Be brave tiger, whatever comes your way, be brave.” Dean whispered kissing him gently.

“You’ll do great kiddo, I promise you’ll do great!” Sam said kissing him as well. 

 

Then his mother came over to the bed and caressed his cheek telling him how proud she was of him and how much she loved him as he slipped into the coma. His eyes closed as if he were sleeping now but they could all see how his little body was settling in on itself. 

 

“What happening?” She asked as she pulled back and then tried to wake him. He didn’t stir. She didn’t scream but uttered a low keening noise as she pulled him to her. Samuelson came into the room on his evening rounds and looked with some puzzlement at the activity, then he walked over to the bed asking the mother to please give him some room to work. He checked his vitals, then his responses, he checked for neural and physical stimulus and got no response. He backed off silently and then went out and ordered a heart monitor for his room. He went back in and Lynda gently into one of the chairs. 

 

“I looked at the MRI today, the tumor has grown and is pushing on the brain in ways I don’t like at all, we’ve tried every possible means to get at this and he is entering the last stages. I’m fairly certain he is in a coma now, there is no response to physical stimulus and normally he is hypersensitive. His blood oxygen levels and response when I checked his eyes indicate this situation as well. I’m going to go ahead and hook him to a heart monitor and I’ll be doing an Electroencephalogram to verify my findings, but I suggest you prepare yourself. We could be in for a long wait, in which he may wake, or he could simply pass over in the midst of all this. We’ve got your DNR form on file with the nurses, and everything else is taken care of. Now it’s just a waiting game. I’m sorry Ms. Bunch. I wish I could be more positive.”

 

She nodded, still keening a low cry as the nurses came in with the equipment, she took his pajama top off for them and stood by as they arranged the equipment. Then once they got him hooked up they ran a test strip and were satisfied with the results. Dean and Sam stood back in tears as well watching these nurses working so gently with the little body. The doctor came in with some more equipment and they watched as he gently set up the EEG equipment and attached the leads. After several minutes he was ready and ran a test strip then started the actual test. It took just over a 45 minutes to run but he was finished and nodded at the results. Then he disconnected the leads from the little boys scalp and was about to wipe down his scalp with a wash cloth when Lynda stepped in elbowing him out of the way while she took care of this detail. 

 

“The EEG shows that his brain is still functioning but is in a comatose state. We will arrange to have another monitor …”

 

“No! Absolutely not! He’s not going to be hooked up like some lab rat.” Lynda said hostily. 

 

“Ms. Bunch, we promise to treat him with the dignity he deserves. We just need to attach a brain activity monitor.”

 

“No, I’ll not have it. You’ve got enough equipment in here as it is. He’s not a science fair project.” She said angry tears dotting her face. 

 

“Yes ma’am.” Samuelson said as he left the room. Out in the hallway Samuelson took Dean and Sam aside. “Please try to convince her to let us get a cerebral monitor in there on him. At least that way we can have a look at the brain activity while he’s under.” 

 

“And that will tell you what exactly?” Dean asked. “Please I’m not being a smart ass about this I really would like to know.”

 

“It will tell us if his neural activity is degenerating and what we can expect.”

 

“We’ll talk with her but can’t promise anything.” Sam said quietly.

 

Dean and Sam reentered the room and sat down on chairs at the foot of the bed while Lynda sat on the bed stroking Kyle’s hand. 

 

“Come on baby, wake up for mama. Mama’s worried about you, please wake up.” She cried. Then without turning she asked. “So what does the doctor want to do?”

 

Sam sighed, “He just wants to bring in a brain monitor, it will tell them information about the brain that the heart monitor can tell them about his heart. They were a half hour talking it over but she agreed to it finally.

 

They sat then like refugees huddled around a radio praying for a sign of deliverance.


	20. Chapter 20

They sat in the opulent office waiting patiently and at the same time anxious. There was somewhere else they had to be but they had to be here as well. It was agonizing to them but they fought to keep their expressions clear as the door to the office opened and Dr. Carriggan stepped in. 

 

He surveyed them solemnly and then sat down. “Lot on your minds huh?” 

 

“Sorry but yeah.” Sam said.

 

“I know, I heard, and I am sorry.” Carriggan noted. They were two days out from the death date with Dean and Sam as nervous as two virgins. “How has it been for you?” He asked.

 

Sam sat back looking sadly at the doctor. “We know he’s going to die, we know when, we know there’s not a damn thing we can do to stop it. I feel useless.”

 

“What he said.” Dean responded.

 

“And you’re certain that he can’t hear you that he can’t respond in some minor way?” Carriggan said.

 

“We’ve tried everything. We talk to him, just about stuff. We keep hoping that maybe his brain is awake he just can’t respond with opening his eyes or talking to us.” Dean said hopefully. 

 

“We know we’re grasping at straws but…”

 

“Boy’s keep on grasping stranger things have been known to happen.” Carriggan said. “How are you two doing by yourselves?” 

 

Dean looked slightly embarrassed and Sam took the lead. “There’s been a lot more cuddle time, a lot more just us time. When we’re not over at the hospital, some nights we bundle up in our jackets and go out and lay in the back yard.”

 

“In the snow!?” Carriggan noted.

 

“We keep a tarp thrown into the laundry room and well, we throw it out on the snow lay down on it and just snuggle.” Dean said.

 

“Just be careful and don’t come down with the flu or something.” Carriggan cautioned. 

 

“Sometimes we just curl up on the couch together. We try to spend as much time with Lynda letting her get out from the hospice some so we work in shifts.”

 

Carriggan nodded and sat back now starting to find a comfort zone for him to pursue. “So you’re working with the mom as well now, how’s that going?” 

 

“She keeps saying that she’s gonna follow. We’ve tried to get her to talk with a counselor and we’ve talked with Samuelson about this. He has an intervention specialist that is working with her, but she’s convinced she’s going to follow them.”

“I’ll tell you right now boys, when he does pass our appointments are going to step up frequency for a while, because you’ll need intervention as well. You’ve invested a lot of time energy and yourselves into this family.” 

 

“Okay if you think we’ll need it.” Dean said doubtfully.

 

Carriggan laughed low. “You’ll need it. You may not think so right now but you will.” He paused then and then he pointed to the refrigerator and nodded. Dean got up and brought them a beer back, the doctor indicated a soda for himself. They sat around for a long moment. Then Dean pulled back the beer can and looked at it slowly.

 

“This is something we’ve cut back a lot on as well.” Dean admitted. “We need to be clear headed right now and too much alcohol doesn’t help.” 

 

“Just remember that after. Don’t try to drink yourselves into a stupor because it won’t help you.” 

 

They drank in silence for another moment or two then Dean looked up at him. “You know, I know what happens at death, we’ll at least from a perspective I’ve had. I’ve tried to prepare him not to be scared, that it won’t hurt. Just kind of greasing the wheel ya know?” 

 

“Yes I think I understand and you’re doing a good thing. Just keep up the work. If anything it will help you feel better about all of this.” Carriggan noted. “How will you feel after he’s crossed?” 

 

“Relieved,” Dean said “I know that probably sound big time callous. But that kid’s suffered enough, he deserves some down time.”

 

“It doesn’t sound callous at all. From what you’ve described of the child, it would indeed be a mercy for him to finally pass. Just keep reassuring him even if you think he can’t hear you, keep the reassurance up. It helps you and it probably helps him.” Carriggan said. Suddenly Carriggan’s cell phone started buzzing. He pulled it out and noted the number excused himself a moment. 

 

Dean and Sam shared a look, “You think Castiel might you speak to him for us?” Dean asked.

 

“Dean we have no idea if what we’re saying he’s hearing.” Sam replied. “But yeah, I’d like to get Castiel’s input on this.”

 

The door opened and a flustered Carriggan rushed back in. “Sorry to cut this short gentles, but I’ve a patient over at Harpford ER that just OD’ed.”

 

“Go!” Dean said urgently. They stood and left the office dropping their empties into the waste can. Dean and Sam left the doctor’s office, with Dean driving over to his job site. They got out and Sam took the driver’s side. “See ya at quitting time.” Dean told him and they quickly kissed. Sam got back in the car to the catcalls of some of the remodeling crew and headed over to the hospice. He got there just as Samuelson was leaving. 

 

The doctor stopped Sam, “He’s fading fast, I give him maybe two more days. I’m sorry.” Sam nodded numbly and walked into the room where the little boy lay on the hospital bed surrounded by medical equipment but tucked in with some of his favourite toys. Sam walked over and Lynda looked up at him with red rimmed eyes. 

 

She sniffed and smiled wanly. “Just when you think you’ve cried all you can…” She started.

 

“Yeah I know.” Sam said walking to the bedside. He reached out and lay his hand against Kyle’s cheek. “It’s me Kyle, your Sam. Had to drop Dean off at work. This has been a hell of a day.” Sam laughed weakly and then noticed a change in one of the brain patterns and felt slightly encouraged. “I know you can’t talk to me right now, or you can’t look at me, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t hear me.” Sam swallowed past a lump that wouldn’t stay down. “Hey sport, we know you’re doing the best you can. We’re trying to as well. I know you don’t want us crying but if you could see it from our viewpoint maybe you’d understand better. But we are here for you. I just want you to know that what’s happening to you and what will happen is nothing to be afraid of. It won’t hurt a bit, I promise. But I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. Kyle you’ve been a part of mine and Dean’s life for such a little time but we feel like we’ve known you all our lives. We would want you to get better but the only way is for this to end. But I promise I have a couple of angel buddies who owe me favours and they’re going to be there with you to help you. Okay. Kyle, I love you.” Sam sat heavily into the chair by Lynda and started crying. “Yeah…” Sam said through his tears. “I’m crying, I’m crying because there’s not a damn thing I can do to help you right now other than to be here and talk to you. And I could do that all day long.” He turned to Lynda, “You want to go grab a bite while I sit?” 

 

“Sure.” She said and gave Sam a huge hug as she rose. She walked out of the room and Castiel popped in silently. He walked over to the edge of the bed. Dean noticed a spike in the brain activity. “You know someone else is with me don’t you?” He said. This is Castiel he’s an honest to God angel. Then there were several spikes. “No he’s not here to take you yet. He’s my friend, and he’s one of the real good guys.” 

 

“Kyle, I’ve spoken with your father. He’s a good man, a good dad. I just wanted you to know in a couple of days I’ll be here with a friend of mine, and your dad. He wants to see you. He wants to be with you.” Castiel said his own monotone brittle now. “I know you’re afraid for your mom, but don’t be. It’s going to be all right with her as well. I promise you. She’ll be just fine.” Castiel promised. “I’ve got to go for now, but I’ll see you again soon, and everything will be okay I promise.” And Castiel was gone. 

 

The two days passed with relative slowness, time being as elastic as it is. Dean, Sam, and Lynda were huddled around the bed. Kyle’s breathing was slowing now, his pulse steady but very weak. Dean pushed the door shut when he had entered and then silently prayed. “Castiel, tell Tessa to please be visible let the mom see her son whole one last time. Please.” He wiped a tear away and suddenly at the foot of the bed stood Castiel and Tessa. Obviously visible to all of them. Lynda squeaked in shock. 

 

“Who are you?” She demanded. Tessa smiled warmly and walked around the bed. I’m here to take your son home.” She said quietly. Lynda smiled through her tears and nodded when suddenly a third figure winked into view, it was a handsome young man in a simple shirt and jeans, his hair cut service short, and his strong physique belying a loving man. Lynda gasped and looked up at him. “Tony??” She said with a gasp. 

 

“Hey baby, I’m here to be with Kyle, so he won’t be afraid, the same as I’ll be for you when it’s your time.” The young man said smiling. With that Tessa reached out and touched Kyle’s hand. The monitors ceased their rhythm and suddenly standing next to Tony was Kyle with a shock of tousled brown blonde hair grinning. He laughed and his laughter was infectious. The angels and ghosts became invisible when the nurse came in and quietly turned off the monitors to give them some quiet. Then she quietly withdrew to give them privacy. The angels and their charges reappeared.

 

“Mom, I feel great! It’s gonna be okay.” He said brightly 

 

Lynda fought to keep a brave face and then wanted to reach out and touch them seeing only her hand passing through him. “I’ll be with you soon enough.” She said quietly.

 

“Not by your own hand you won’t.” Tony said sternly. Lynda shook her head and smiled at the young blonde serviceman. 

 

Castiel looked at Tessa, and they nodded. “Farewell for now.” Castiel said as they all vanished. 

 

Lynda turned back to the bed and saw her son lying there with a ghost of a smile on his face. “He had known.” She fell across the frail form sobbing. Dean and Sam sat down in chairs pushed close together and leaning on each other crying. 

 

Dean tried to speak and couldn’t because of the tears choking him. Sam was not much better. They sat there for a long moment then the staff came in and silently unhooked all the monitors and the IV, then left again to give them some much needed privacy. 

 

Two days later found Lynda in the receiving line at the funeral home. There were some few flowers there, a wreath made to look like a baseball, some potted plants and the like. Kyle looked so vulnerable in the small casket. He was dressed in his baseball uniform with his glove on and a ball in the glove. There were several kids that came through with their parents and Dean and Sam found they were doing a lot of hugs to children who were grief stricken. They were told that his class was having a grief counselor come in tomorrow to talk with them all. The funeral home had done a good job giving back to the boy some of the looks that the wasting had taken away. After the receiving Dean and Sam stood by as her parents of Lynda and Tony joined together. A tough looking man walked away from the group and advanced on Sam and Dean.

 

“You must be the two guys she’s been talking about.” He said brusquely.

 

“Yes sir, I’m Dean Winchester, this is my brother Sam.” 

 

“Bert Bunch.” He said and they all shook hands. Then his face crumbled slightly. “My son would’ve been proud to know there were two good kids like y’all here to look after his family.”

 

“We met at the doctor’s office.” Dean offered.

 

“That’s what I heard. She said you had the big C.” He nodded to Dean.

 

“Yeah, testicular for me.”

 

“Oh shit dude, Sorry to hear that. They got it all didn’t they?” He asked.

 

“Yeah, I just wish that there was something they could’ve done for Kyle.” Dean said trying to keep his game face on. Bert turned to walk back to the group and waved them into the circle with them. 

 

It was 11:00 when they finally got home which included their stopping for a bite to eat, not that they were actually very hungry. Still they made the effort. They arrived at home and lay together in bed just laying in each other’s arms for a long moment. 

 

“You know we’ve seen a lot of people die.” Dean started.

 

“Yeah, some close to us.” Sam added.

 

“But I don’t think any has come close to tearing the heart out of me as this.” Dean said quietly 

 

“Yeah bro, tell me about it.” 

 

“And now I’m worried about Lynda and there’s not a damn thing that we can do to help.” Dean said as they lay there.

 

“At least she’s got plenty of support from both sides of the family.” Sam noted.

 

“Really?” Dean started. “Where were they when Kyle was going through Chemo and Radiation?” Dean said his voice edged.

 

“They were…”

 

“Yes…”

 

“Ok point taken. But they’re here now.” Sam said trying to force a helpful tone.

 

“Fat lot of good it’s doing now.” Dean said bitterly.

 

Sam reached over and stroke his cheek gently, “Try not to dwell on it now.”

 

“Dwell on you for a while?” Dean said smugly. 

 

“It’s be a while.” Sam replied.

 

It was the next morning that they’d got the news. Lynda had passed on in her sleep. She’d obviously had a massive heart attack and died during the night. So instead of burying one now they were going to be burying two. 

 

“Life is a bitch sometimes.” Dean observed over his morning coffee. 

 

Castiel appeared at the breakfast table with them. “God was merciful.” 

 

“This is mercy?” Sam said sadly.

 

“Yes, now the family that actually matters is together. Her siblings and parents can fight like vultures if they want but Lynda is at peace from them and from you.”

 

“FROM US?!” Sam stormed.

 

“Sam please, you must understand that she knew what you were doing was out of good motives but she desperately didn’t want to be seen as the grieving widow. She wanted you to be free as well.” Castiel said calmly. 

 

“We never wanted to be a burden.” Dean said hurt.

 

“You weren’t but well, she NEEDED to be with the family that loved her. She would’ve eventually suicided. God decided on this mercy.” 

 

“God’s back in business?” Dean asked.

 

“Very much so.” Castiel noted. 

 

“Are we back in business?” Sam asked nervously.

 

“That depends on what you’ve learned and if you want to be back in business.” Castiel said then vanished.

 

“We’re concentrating on the negatives here, we should be concentrating that we got to spend time with Kyle that the grandparents will never be able to claim. We got to be with him through the good and the bad. I like to think maybe we helped him out a little with all of it.” Sam noted and Dean nodded.

 

“We were his support team these are just … vultures coming in for the pickings.” Dean said as he had Sam drive him to work. Sam left him and drove over to Lynda’s townhouse where the family was gathered in a complete state of shock. The Marine Corp father of Tony saw Sam then disappeared to the back and came out a minute later with a sack for him. 

 

“I wanted to be sure you at least got to this before the rest could swarm in.” Bert said and they went off to the side a moment. “We didn’t come out as much as we like, we got a farm over in Iowa and well sadly it’s rough making time off much less taking it. We got some folk in to tend the cattle and make sure all that’s okay for us while we’re away. As for “her” side of the family, Lynda was the best out of the bunch in my opinion. Look I could stand here and badmouth their family for hours, but you better scoot before they see the bag. Sam quickly looked in to see a picture of Kyle in his baseball uniform when he was healthier, and a ball and glove.

 

“Thank you sir. Thank you so much.” Sam started his eyes watering.

 

“No son, thank you! You could be here when we couldn’t. You saw…how was Kyle?”

 

“Let me go put this into the car and we’ll talk.” Sam vanished and was back in, in a flash they went to the kitchen where most of the men were congregated around the coffee pot. “Kyle was a bundle of energy tied up in a crippled boy. We took him out on walks in the park, took him down to the boardwalk early on, he was fun to have fun with. Lynda put up with us because she had to work and well frankly our coming in 3 days out of the week was 3 days of nursing care she didn’t have to pay for. Lynda worked hard to make sure that he had all the comforts he could want.”

 

“We hear that she wanted you and your brother to deliver the Eulogy at his service, now it’s gonna be a dual service.” One of the brothers said.

 

“Yeah we’ll deliver the eulogy for Kyle, which was her choice; your choice is who will speak for her.” Dean said giving the brother a hard eyed stare that caused him to back down fast. 

 

The next day was the day for Lynda’s receiving and then the dual service that afternoon. Several employees from the store she worked at came by and paid their respects so that when time came for the actual service the chapel was nearly filled. 

 

Dean and Sam went up first with Sam doing the speaking. “Look we’ll tell you straight up that as public speakers we’re not much but for Kyle, that I hope will change. You see we met Kyle…” He launched into a 30 minute tale of meeting him in the doctor’s office, of becoming buddies, then friends, talking about the walks they took; they had a slide show running to the side of the boardwalk photos. Sam concluded. “We weren’t much but to us Kyle was a super little pistol a real son of a gun from what we hear about your son and brother his father.” The mothers and grandparents were in tears as were Sam and Dean. Then came the eulogy for Lynda, delivered professionally by one of the funeral home’s personnel. Dean had to be physically restrained by Sam from getting up and interrupting the cool recitation of a woman’s life to outline her bravery and courage. Bert was sitting to one side and he caught Dean’s expression and a half smile played on his lips. When the representative was finished Bert rose, startling the young man, “I believe that Mr. Winchester would like to add a few words to your sentiment.”

 

“Thank you Mr. Bunch.” Dean said and grabbing Sam’s hand for a moment rose. “I think that we are overlooking one very important thing about Lynda. She was in my very humble opinion one of the strongest, most courageous woman I’ve come across in a while. She stood up in the face of this cancer and laughed with her son. She loved him dearly and doted on him with the love only a devoted mother could. Did she forget her relationship to Tony. NO! In fact, again in my humble opinion, it was her relationship with her deceased husband that drove her to be singularly strong, strong-willed, and selfless. We stood by and helped her but she really didn’t need the help as she was slogging along magnificently. I am proud to have been a short part in this last chapter of Kyle and Lynda’s life and to have had a chance to see the strength this woman had.” With that he stepped away and sat down earning an approving nod from Bert. 

 

Finally all that was over and the last rites conducted then they left the funeral home to drive over to a nearby cemetery where two graves were opened side by side. The service proceeded apace and all too soon it was over. Sam and Dean didn’t waste any time but went home and spent a long hour looking at the photo, ball and glove and venting their grief.

 

They had an appointment that afternoon with Dr. Carriggan but managed to get it bumped up a few days so that when they did show for the meeting they were both still filled with grief, but relief as well for the small part they had to play.

 

“Samuelson was at the service, he was seated in the back but he was there. He told me what you both said.” Carriggan started. “How are you feeling now?”

 

“Tired.” Dean said and Sam nodded, “It was like just saying that took all my strength and whenever I think about it, it saps my energy again. They were treating Lynda as a common mother and she was a supermom, balancing her work with caring for her son. We came along at the end and helped take up some of the slack, but she did it all.” Dean said angrily.

 

“Good, you’re angry, how do you feel about the losses?”

 

Sam started, “We were prepared for Kyle, his was not as big of a surprise as it could’ve been. But Lynda following so soon on the heels of his death was it was not something we were exactly prepared for. A mother and son funeral tore my heart out.” Sam said his expression deadpanned. 

 

“I see that it’s stricken you rather severely.” Carriggan noted of Sam.

 

“I loved Kyle like he was my little brother, he was special, and we were prepared to ride with him through this. It was hard to get to the end of the ride. It was heartbreaking to see him small body in a casket. I’m still having nightmares about that.” Sam said his brow furrowed as he wiped at his eyes.

 

Dean took up the slack, “Lynda kept saying that she was gonna follow, we were expecting her to try to suicide. We were totally unprepared for her dying of a coronary. Literally a broken heart.” Dean said staring off into space for a moment. “I think what’s the hardest for me to deal with is the total lack of connection we have with the family now. They were such a part of our lives for such a short time. We’ve got the photos I down loaded off the camera and then I forgot about this that I recorded when we were down at the boardwalk.” He took out his phone and pulled up the video clip and showed it to the doctor. It was of Sam and Kyle playing skee-ball and Sam getting stomped by this little waif of a kid who seemed to have a magic touch with the balls. Then there was a short clip of all three of them on the beach waving at the camera.

 

Carriggan smiled as he handed the camera back to them. “You know they make digital picture frames now.”

 

“I know we bought one today and are going to load up the pictures we have of him. We’re going to pick up a second one on payday that will play the clips over and over.”

 

“You are in the first stages of grieving and it’s only natural you should want to do all this, in time it will take its place in your life as well as everything else and you will learn to pace yourselves. For now rejoice in your grief, be glad the boy is out of his misery, feel sad that the mother joined. But don’t submerge yourselves so deeply in grief that you have no time for anything else.”

 

“No, I’ve taken on a couple of extra projects at work to keep me really hopping during my shift.” Dean said with a smile.

 

“I’ve been promoted to an Assistant Managers position so me and two other assistants are balancing out the workload. All of this couldn’t have come at a better time.”

 

“So you’re balancing all this out have you been in contact with Bobby?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We call every now and then to check in on him and see how things are going. He’s happy for us being out of the business for a while. Keeps wishing he could but right now he’s manning a phone desk and handling research so he’s happy.” Sam said.

 

“Are you going to take on mentoring any more children cancer patients?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“NO!” Dean said demonstratively. “This was pretty much a onetime good deal for us.”

 

“Yeah I have to agree with Dean.” Sam said, “Some people are built to do hospice work or work with children cancer patients. This was our first experience and it was pretty dramatic.”

 

“That was because you threw yourselves wholly into caring for Kyle and Lynda, if you were to volunteer to help on a ward of patients you would do things like tell them stories, play games with them. Some wards even have the X-Box systems available for kids to privately play. You’d laugh with them, comfort them when they’re sad, and keep their spirits bolstered not with fake platitudes but with you being there just like a big brother. Give it some thought I think you two would be excellent in this role.”

 

“We’ll think about it.” Dean agreed. “Maybe we might could go on the ward with you the next time you do rounds.” Dean suggested. “Just to get the idea of what you’re talking about.” 

 

“By all means. Look, I’m not trying to push you into this, but I would really appreciate it if you would think about it. These kids are for the most part young or middle siblings, some older, some only child in the house. They need a buddy they can talk to, laugh with and cry with and someone who will cry with them, so you don’t have to be ashamed about that. So of these kids equate Cancer as a monster, you could help them hunt his monster down and reduce it in size.”

 

“He said we’d think about it doc.” Sam said with a bit of a grin. “These last few months have been super, the last few days hell. We were there when Kyle died. It was a profound experience and I don’t know how to deal with it otherwise.” Sam said.

 

“Okay, now tell me, if I remember right you two are lapsed Catholics are you?” 

 

“Very lapsed.” Dean agreed.

 

“So you’ve not built a shrine to Kyle’s memory. 

 

“Other than shifting some books in the shelf unit so that we can set his picture up there with the ball and glove, and that’s really not a shrine.” Sam agreed.

 

“It’s good you were given those mementoes. That will help with the grieving process.” Then he changed tact. “How is all of this change in your life affecting your own view on cancer Dean?”

 

“Well I do regular self exams. I’m on monthly visits right now to Doc Samuelson, then the month after next we go to three month intervals, working up to just annual checkups.

 

“You gonna be around that long?” He asked Dean.

 

“Between our jobs and some hustling I’ve done around town at other pool halls, we’ve managed to save a little chunk of money, which we’ve banked. We’ve kept our noses clean with the law, and tried to salvage the Winchester name and I think that in another month or do we’ll have enough to look into another house maybe.” Dean said haltingly. 

 

“It’s kind of up in the air, we like where we’re at but the owners don’t look to want to sell it yet, so that option is not totally closed but on the back burner.” Sam started. 

 

“You’re going to be going into Thanksgiving and Christmas here soon, what are you going to do for that?”

 

“Thanksgiving, we’re going to drive out to Bobby’s place, and then we’ll have him over for Christmas.” Dean said decisively. “And we’re going to try to throw a winter block party in January over that recreation center that is in the park in the neighbourhood. I think we can grill out there and do the works inside. We had such a blast with the last one that this looks great.”

 

Carriggan laughed at their ideas and nodded encouragingly. “Excellent plans men; you’ve definitely got some good ideas going here. How things with working out in the bedroom now?” He asked point blank.

 

“Better, we had sex last night for the first time in a month; we felt a touch guilty but knew that Kyle would be upset if we were not having some kind of fun together.” 

 

“He never knew about you two?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Both him and his mom were convinced we were just two brothers living together here in the North. We didn’t disabuse that notion.” Sam took a deep breath, “We got a little adventuresome last night with a little role playing and that looks like it could be fun.”

 

“More spanking eh?” Carriggan nudged the conversation. 

 

“A little, yeah.” Sam admitted sheepishly. 

 

“A little hell, I’m surprised the doc didn’t notice…oh wait we were already sitting when you came in. It took him three times to sit down because of a raw ass.”

 

“Homework, enjoy life, role play, get out of the house and do some things together, if you want to bring Kyle’s memory into it, go get yourselves a couple of catchers mitts and play catch in the backyard or over at the park. But celebrate life for a change and let life celebrate you two, I want to cut this session a bit short today to give you time together. Whatever you do, wherever you go, do what feels good to you!


	21. Chapter 21

Two weeks flew by it seemed. Dean was working extra jobs bringing in a substantial paycheck every week but causing Sam to worry about his health. Sam was working hard as an Assistant Manager for the store he was at and that came in handy as well. They kept pidgeonholing their extra cash and soon were slightly staggered at the amount they’d managed to save.

 

On their two week appointment Dean was practically vibrating on the couch by Sam as Doc Carriggan entered the room. His eyes immediately went to Dean. 

 

“Calm down boy, you’re not going anywhere for an hour at least.” Carriggan said.

 

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him but he’s been like this for nearly a week.” Sam said getting an accusatory glare from Dean. “You can look at me, like that all you want, but you know it’s the truth. You’ve been pushing yourself too fucking hard.” Sam said harshly.

 

“What do you mean pushing too hard?” Carriggan asked. Looking at Dean.

 

“Okay so I’m working extra hours, I’m trying to help us get a nest egg saved. I get paid by the job and I’ve got three interior jobs going on right now.” Dean said.

 

“Are you on anything?” Carriggan asked.

 

“On anything like crack or speed. Fuck no.” Dean griped.

 

Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out some foil packets and dropped them on the cocktail table in front of the couch. Dean gasped slightly and gave Sam a “we’re gonna talk about this later” look. The doctor picked up one of the pouches.

 

“I’ve been finding these stashed in the car or in the trash can.” Sam said his voice angry.

 

“Stackers III, common energy pill, how many of these are you taking at a time?” He asked Dean.

 

“I take one in the morning and one at lunch.” He said looking at the doc HIS voice angry now as well.

 

“Dean, As your doctor I’m advising you to stop these right now, as your friend I’m begging you to let these go. They’re speeding you up energy wise but what are they doing to your blood pressure?” The doctor asked rhetorically.

 

“Don’t know, but I need em.” Dean said quickly. 

 

Carriggan stood and looked at him. “Come with me. Sam you wait here.” They left the office and went down the hall into a typical exam room. Carriggan put a blood pressure cuff on Dean and a Oxygen probe on his finger. After taking the numbers he turned the machine to where Dean could see it. Then he looked at Dean with the hardest, harshest look Dean could ever remember seeing on that man. 

 

“You’re blood pressure is jacked up to stroke range.” He said angrily. He walked over to a cabinet and unlocking it took out a sterile syringe and a small bottle. He drew up some of the liquid and told Dean to push up his sleeve. 

 

Dean followed his directions with bad grace then flinched at the needle was jabbed home and the liquid injected. In just a few moments the jitteriness was calming down and he was nearly slumping on the table. 

 

“Dean look at me, GODDAMIT BOY YOU LOOK AT ME!” Carriggan said harshly. “You are pushing yourself to fucking hard, you’re gonna end up like the mother of that boy you buried two weeks ago. You’ve got your partner scared shitless and I’m not doing much better. I know what you’re taking as a prescription and I know how something like those Stackers can blend with the anti-depressants I’ve got you on. Dean as your physician and your friend and someone who believes what you say, you’re pushing yourself towards an early grave and I don’t know if you’ll make it back this time. So PLEASE get off these energy combinations.” 

 

Dean had the good grace to look abashed and looked down at his hands a moment. “I need the energy Doc.”

 

“I need…” Suddenly his eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out. Carriggan checked his pulse and breath. He appeared okay when suddenly he started to jerk. He jerked hard about a half dozen times then his eyes cracked open and he moaned. Carefully the doctor got him sitting, then after he was sure he could move walked him carefully off the table into a wheelchair, then he pushed him down to his office and helped him transfer to the couch. He got Dean to sit down by Sam. Dean just stared at his hands, his face flaming red. 

 

“Sam, I’m sorry……..I’m so goddamned sorry about all this.” He said still a little weak from that faint. 

 

“Dean…” Sam said his voice cracking slightly. “I’m worried about you. I don’t want to lose you. We’ve dodged bullets, sewed each other up, and fixed God knows what. But I can’t fix a heart attack and I’m scared that is the direction you’re headed.” Sam said grabbing Dean around the shoulders. Dean fell into the hug for several minutes. Then Carriggan looked at him closely.

 

“How are you feeling now, Dean?” He asked concerned.

 

“Not quite as jumpy.” He replied in a small voice.

 

“I just gave you a few cc’s of Ativan to calm you down some and bring your blood pressure down. That faint you had was your blood pressure crashing to normal all of the sudden.” Carriggan explained.

 

“You knew that that would happen?” Dean asked accusingly.

 

“I knew something like that would happen, I also knew what would happen if you continued on the path you were on. Have you ever seen someone with a severe stroke, Dean? Most of the time they have one side of the body paralyzed, they’re unable to speak, or to speak clearly. They are unable to focus or have a cognitive thought or they do have them but are unable to express them. The list goes on. If the stroke is severe enough it can kill.” Carriggan explained. Then he looked at him, “Dean, are you close to completing any of the three jobs you’re working?”

 

“Got one nearly done, and the other two are getting there.” He admitted slowly.

 

“Good, if you want to work hard give yourself two jobs but that’s your limit.” Carriggan said with a sigh. “You’re a good man Dean, a good brother and a good partner. Don’t push yourself like this. Dean I’ve got two patients right now who are stroke victims, one is 22.”

 

“Okay doc, I get the message, I fucked up.” Dean admitted focusing the anger to himself.

 

“Yes you did, but we caught it early enough to correct the pattern before it got out of hand.” Carriggan said. “Why were you so fired up to do all this work to start with?” 

 

“Trying to get us a nest egg built so we can buy a house.” Dean explained.

 

“Is the trouble your putting your body through worth the anguish you’re experiencing?” 

 

“No,” Dean sighed long and deep, “We got a good bit saved so far a few thousand. We’re trying to get our landlord to offer us the house we’re in currently on sale. He’s thinking about it.”

 

“You’ve got a sweet little place over there. Just right for you two.” Carriggan complimented. “Sam, how are you doing?” 

 

Sam’s hands were shaking with anger that was repressed. “I’m doing just fine, just fucking peachy.” Dean looked up at him then and saw that his eyes were locked on him. 

 

“What’s really wrong?” Dean asked actually concerned but trying in his usual cocky way not to show it too much.

 

“You’re tied up at work all the time, I come in from work and you’re already asleep.”

 

“Dude, you don’t get in until 10:30 most nights, I usually have to be up by 4:00 for my job.”

 

“I’m trying to get shifted back to first, but it’s taking a while.” Sam moaned. “I mean even on your days off your jittering. Dean you’re scaring me, man.” 

 

“You just worry too much.” Dean scoffed. 

 

Sam stood up abruptly, “Okay that’s it I’m done. I want to save what we got here but there’s apparently nothing to save. So fuck you and have a happy life.” Sam said heading for the door.

 

“Sam.” Carriggan called quietly. The other turned arrogantly, please wait a minute.” He got up escorted Sam to an empty exam room. “Let me talk with him one on one for a few minutes, give us five minutes then come back in okay?” 

 

“Why we’re still brothers, that I can handle, I’ll just move into the guest room.” Sam said angrily.

 

“Did you know you’re beautiful as a drama queen?” Carriggan said apropos of nothing and everything at the moment.

 

Sam stopped completely and then slowly nodded. “I’ll give you five minutes.” He agreed trying to hold it together. 

 

“Look there’s plenty of tissue on the counter, if you need it. You know what I’m saying?” Carriggan asked looking at Sam. Then he reached out and in an uncharacteristic gesture, hugged him. Then after a moment he went back to his main office where he found Dean looking slightly stunned.

 

“What..what was that all about?” Dean asked.

 

“It was about you tromping all over him.” Carriggan answered truthfully. “Dean, I know about the cult of manhood okay. I know the private code you gotta live by, but there’s something else you need to consider. You need to consider that someone else in that same cult may have actual feelings. They may be hurting, but they can’t say anything. They may be dying inside watching you self destruct but they don’t say anything. That’s something you’ve got to come to terms with.”

 

“I really fucked things up didn’t I?” Dean said morosely.

 

“You’ve got him considering on moving into the guest room.” Carriggan answered truthfully again. 

 

Dean grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose to stop the tears that were threatening to overflow, something, he had to do something to quell these feelings he was having. Finally Sam came back to the door. 

 

“Is this a good time?” Sam asked quietly. Dean was suddenly blinking away tears as he motioned to the couch.

 

“Please.” Dean said his voice husky. Sam came in and tentatively sat on the other end of the couch. “Sammy, I’m sorry. I, uh, I fucked up in so many ways. But man, really, the drama is not you.” Dean said. 

 

“I’m still your brother Dean, nothing can change that. I just wonder if there’s anything left to salvage as far our other side?” Sam said looking at Dean. 

 

Dean slid over on the couch until he was touching knees with Sam. He threw an arm around Sam’s shoulders. “Let’s go out of town for a few days, go up to New York and do one of the bed and breakfasts places for a couple of days. Just you and me.” 

 

“Can you do that Dean, really?” Sam asked his heart breaking.

 

“I’ll get with Bob and we’ll arrange the days. I’m almost done with the jobs I’m on, I can finish them up in the next week and we can go away for a few days. But please don’t do this to me.” Dean practically begged.

 

“Look at what you’re doing to me!” Sam replied as he grabbed up Dean in a hug which Dean submitted to and returned. 

 

“You both have been doing things to each other. Overworking, turning away from the other, ignoring signs, acting impulsively without talking it out. The list goes on, but it doesn’t have to. You can stop the pain right now. You can put a cap of this problem and start to get back on an even track, but you’ve got to want to.”

 

“I want to.” Dean said shakily into Sam’s neck.

 

“Let’s try.” Sam replied. “We’ve only been on the road to hell for a week but it seems like months. Dean you couldn’t see what you were doing to yourself but I could. I kept reaching out to help and you kept pushing me away. If you want me back as your lover,” Sam sighed long and deep, “I just don’t know Dean. I love you, I really do, but I hate to see what you’re doing to yourself.”

 

“Okay, let’s go home and then go out somewhere nice for dinner to start with.” Dean offered.

 

“Promise? You promise not to go mentally off working on those jobs. If you want me you got me but you gotta WANT me.” Sam stressed.

 

Dean grabbed his face and planted one hell of a kiss on his lips. 

 

“That’s a start.” Sam said tiredly.

 

“Let’s go home.” Dean offered.

 

“Are we done, doc?” Sam asked.

 

“For now yes, I want to see you again in two weeks.”

 

They stood and left the office arm around each other. In the parking lot Sam got in the driver’s seat while Dean went around and collapsed into the shotgun seat. He looked at Sam with slightly hooded eyes and a blush on his cheeks. 

 

“I’ve been an ass, haven’t I?” 

 

“You have been, but I still love you, I just want the old you back.” Sam said the tears tumbling freely now. 

 

“You gonna be okay to drive?” Dean asked concerned.

 

Sam wiped his cheeks. “I’ll be fine, I’ve driven like this before.”

 

“Yeah when?” Dean asked trying for playful in his tone.

 

“Every morning this week when I let you off for work.” Sam said leaving the parking lot. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Dean said softly and meant it in his heart of hearts.

 

“Dean, we’re so fucked up.” Sam admitted sadly.

 

“Don’t give up on us, please?” Dean begged.

 

“Dean, I can’t do that, but I can’t sit still and watch you come unglued and worse.” Sam said quickly.

 

“Give me a chance okay?” Dean asked.

 

The ride back home from that point was in silence and Dean was sitting there thinking things were truly finished between them as lovers so he gave up trying to feel anything. They got home and walked into the kitchen, their usual entrance, once inside the house Sam grabbed Dean and kissed him fiercely. 

 

“You want my love, then show me how much, it’s been over a week now.” Sam said roughly.

“Strip” Dean ordered.

“Undress me.” Sam ordered in return. Dean picked up real quick that this time he was going to be the sub.


	22. Chapter 22

They walked into the office together and sat down waiting. They didn’t have to wait long as they were called back to their room. They walked over and sat down on the couch knees touching. Dr. Carriggan came in his face haggard.

 

“Doc, pardon my saying so, but you look like hammered shit!” Dean observed.

 

“Thank you for that assessment, it’s been a long day already.” He answered then looked at them.

 

“What happened?” Sam asked earnestly.

 

“You are not paying $75 an hour to hear my tales of woe, so let’s get on with your problems.” He said brusquely.

 

“Doc, hold the fucking phone, for you to be able to help us, you need to be thinking about us, you are obviously thinking of someone else that’s important to you. Your daughter maybe?” Sam asked. This actually drew a smile out from the doctor as he looked at Sam.

 

“You could be a counselor, yes, she had to be taken into ER last night after a simple cold developed into Pneumonia.” He said worriedly.

 

“Then you should be with her and not letting our shit bowl you over.” Dean said looking at him.

 

“I can do my best by being here, I can do nothing for her in the hospital, besides my wife is staying with her right now and will call me if there’s a change.” Carriggan said relaxing slightly. “Now you know about me, how about you two?”

 

Knowing there was no way they’d get the doc to open the door into his tragedy Dean inwardly shrugged. “We went to a B&B up the coast, near one little harbor town. We found a nice one. We both managed to wrangle 4 days off together and we took it. We stayed in the room the first couple of days coming down for meals. We were teenagers again. We couldn’t get enough of each other.” Dean admitted blushing slightly. We did go out the third day and indulged ourselves to the towns charms. We found a used bookshop that grabbed Sam’s attention by the shorthairs, of course I wasn’t much better, they had a table of cassette tapes for sale as well. We both had a stack when we left there.”

 

“We reconnected.” Sam said hugging Dean by the shoulders. He felt Dean’s embarrassed shrug and he just hugged harder. “Seriously. We spent the first couple of days with, well exploring each other again. We didn’t rush things, we took our time to get to know each other again. It was kind of funny, because when the owner found out he had sort of a bromance going on upstairs he sent up a complimentary bottle of wine and a rose.”

 

“We did go out later and we came back with some beer. We got some imported stuff so the owner wouldn’t get too bent out of shape. For German beer it was pretty good stuff.” Dean admitted. There was another couple, some ladies who were there and they were neat, they’d been together for over 40 years and still acted like teenagers. We took a cue from them and decided to cut loose.”

 

“So the trip away was a success?” Carriggan asked.

 

“In so many ways it wasn’t funny. I forgotten what it was like to be that much in love.” Sam said.

 

“We also made a promise to talk shit out better in the future and quit storing it up for these stupid fights.” Dean said with a sigh. 

 

“Sounds like progress, this is a good thing. And you’ve got a healthy sex life again. Do you ever think of branching out?” Carriggan asked.

 

“A threesome? Not really, we talked about that once but decided against it for right now. We wanted to confine our attentions to each other.” Sam said.

 

“And are you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“You heard about our near week away.” Dean started.

 

“But you’ve been back what 3 days?” 

 

“Yeah, we got back in Monday.”

 

“Ok it’s Thursday, four days, how’s it going for you at home?” 

 

Sam looked at Dean and nodded, “Dean’s off the stackers and got that shit cleaned out of his system, I’m less of a bitch, well I’m trying to be.”

 

“You are.” Dean said softly. “We’re working together to get things evened out. I got those jobs finished before we went on our holiday, then Sam managed to give the manager a blowjob or something…”

 

“Dean!”

 

“He got back on first’s so we see each other when the day starts and when our work shift ends. We’ve got sort of a normal life back. We went over to the hospital today to the cancer center and checked out the kids center and the head of volunteers for that ward. There are a few people already who come in and we start Monday evening. We decided to split it between me doing a bedtime story, maybe even some ghost stories if the administration will permit it. And Sam’s gonna work with the bedridden. We’re supposed to be there on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings for a couple of hours.”

 

“That’s great, that’ll will give you something to focus on together.” Just then the doctors cell phone went off. “Excuse me please.” He said anxiously looking at the number. He walked out in the hall after several moments he came back in looking flustered. “I’m afraid that’s all the time I have for today. That was my wife, they’ve just moved Rita into ICU.”

 

“You gonna be okay to drive over?” Dean asked concerned. 

 

The doc nodded and ushered them out they were outside just getting into the Impala when they saw a BMW tear out of the lot. 

 

Dean looked to Sam, “We got anything pressing for the evening?” Dean asked.

“It can wait.” Sam said “Let’s go.” They tore out as well headed over to the hospital. They immediately went up to ICU waiting where after about an hour and a half visitors were ushered out of the unit. Julian and Kathy Carriggan reluctantly looked for seats in the ICU waiting room and found that Dean and Sam were there and had marked then a couple of places.

 

“Really you needn’t have come.” Julian said quickly. 

 

“Look even the stubborn doctor needs someone to talk to now and then.” Sam said earnestly.

 

Kathy punched him in the arm lightly and nodded. “Thanks for coming over guys, this is a toughie.”

 

“How’s the situation?” Dean asked.

 

“They’ve got her on a ventilator,” Julian’s face looked drawn at that notion, “They’re also suctioning fluid out of her lungs. She’s on some antibiotics.”

 

“In other words, it looks grim.” Dean said.

 

The couple nodded. 

 

“We’re here for the haul.” Sam answered the unasked question. 

 

“You really don’t need to be.” Julian said desperately.

 

“Julian for once in your life let someone do you a good deed without questioning it.” Kathy said equally desperate then she looked at Sam and Dean, “We have family in Canada we can call on and have but they won’t be here until tomorrow morning. If something happens…” Her voice broke and Julian’s arm went protectively around her. 

 

Dean smiled and stood to give them some privacy. “Look since it’s going to be a couple of hours before they let you two back in we’re going to go around and take a look at children’s cancer ward.” He said taking Sam by the hand who grinned. “Maybe you need to stretch a bit as well.” Dean said as they left.

 

They did get down to the ward and their assignment would be in an open bay area with 16 children aged 5 to 12. Most had family that stayed with them but as many were alone. They approached the charge nurse and introduced themselves and noted that they would start Monday evening. They noted they were there with friends of theirs who had a daughter in ICU.

 

“Are there any problem children we need to know about in advance?” Dean asked.

 

The nurse who identified himself as Harry Thorn pointed to on bed in the back corner where a young boy with the classic bald head of a brain cancer patient sat colouring.

 

“He doesn’t look that threatening?”

 

“Go back and try to talk to him, his name is Robby, by the way.” Harry suggested.

 

They walked back and approached the bed. The boy kept colouring in the book. 

 

“Hey. Robby isn’t it? I’m Dean this is my brother Sam, we’re going to…”

 

“Shut up and leave me alone.” He said brusquely.

 

Dean down on his level. “So that’s the way it’s gonna be with you. You’re going to be the tough little shit who thinks they run this ward.”

 

Dean attitude got through to the kid but he didn’t let his guard down. 

 

“What are you to tell me what to do? Just another volunteer.” 

 

“Yeah, we volunteers, but I’m a volunteer with an attitude and I don’t give a rats ass who you think you’re trying to impress, your bullshit that you’re dishing out to these nurses is gonna stop.” 

 

“Or you’re gonna do what bore me to death please. I got brain cancer, there ain’t much you can do to me that ain’t already been done.”

 

“Does the name Kyle Bunch ring a bell?” Sam asked and smiled when he saw the look. “I thought you looked close enough in age to be in the same grade. Maybe a year or two different.” Sam took a breath and looked at the boy with his hardest glare. “Kyle was a good friend of ours and we busted our nuts to see that he got good care and you know what between his positive attitude and the help of a few nurses we were able to work with his last days were peaceful. Is your cancer terminal?” Sam asked hard.

 

The boy looked slightly stunned for a moment.

 

“Hey bozo he asked you a simple question. Is your cancer terminal?” 

 

“N-No it’s supposed to be in remission now.”

 

“Gee and you got a chance at a normal life, something Kyle didn’t have. Wow, and here you are being a sniveling little twit who thinks that giving the nurses a hard time is gonna earn you brownie points. I tell you what, you’re gonna be my “SPECIAL” case to work with while I’m here. The thing is, you don’t know how long that’ll be so get your ass off your shoulders, buckle down , and attempt to at least work with the nurses here.” Dean said brusquely. “Are you picking up what I’m putting down?”

 

“Y-yeah, Uh yes sir.” 

 

“Good cause I really, really hate repeating myself.” Dean threatened. They got up from where they were by the boys bedside. “Continue with your colouring, but quit giving the nurses a hard time.”

 

Dean and Sam turned and walked away they got down to the charge nurse who looked at them with something akin to awe. “Don’t give that kid no sweet talking tell him straight up what you want him to do. If he doesn’t do it, then tell me.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“But what can you do you’re just a volunteer?” Harry said.

 

“Harry, you’d be surprised what the power of just a few well chosen words can do to a little shits attitude.” Dean said with a grin.

 

They left for the long walk back to ICU waiting Sam laughed a bit when they were away from the ward, “You come down on him like a drill instructor.” 

 

“Saw straight off that would be the only attitude to cut through that kids bullshit, oh don’t worry he’ll be up to his old self come Monday but I guarantee by Friday he’ll be a changed kid.”

 

They got back around to ICU to find some vastly relieved parents. Julian sat there near tears, he wife was in tears, Dean and Sam hurried up expecting the worst. 

 

“Her lungs are starting to drain and clear up. The antibiotics are kicking this germs ass.” Julian said with a grin.

 

Dean and Sam collapsed in a couple of nearby chairs. 

 

“They’re going to try to take her off the ventilator in the next hour. The main thing they are concerned with and they have a nurse assisting with is her expelling this fluid. As soon as they get her off the ventilator they’ll let us back there.”

 

“That’s some really great news.” 

 

“Kathy’s folks landed at the airport an hour ago and they grabbed a rental they should be out here just shortly.” Julian said with a grin.

 

“Good, then we’ll leave you in their capable hands.” Sam said with a grin. “So glad that she’s doing better.”

 

“Thank you so much for being here with us.” Julian said. Kathy got up and gave Sam a hug. 

 

“We so used to going it alone that when we do have folk to help it feels strange.” Kathy admitted ruefully.

 

“Try and giving us a call sometimes, if we’re free we’ll be more than glad to come and help.” Sam offered.

 

“Thank you again.” Kathy said as Dean and Sam departed. In the parking deck Sam grabbed Dean around the neck in a bear hug.

 

“I feel the need for sustenance and a lot of it.” Sam growled.

 

“God, you sound like me when I’m on a steak run.” Dean laughed.

 

“That sounds good, if I can get something other than a baked potato and salad served with it.” Sam said.

 

“Okay, hold your horses, Black Horse Pike’s not that far away but we can zip over there to an Olive Garden.” Dean said with a grin.

“Ooo somebodies gonna get lucky tonight.” Sam said in a low voice. 

 

Dean blushed furious and laughing pushed at Sam. “Get off me ya damn big moose!”

 

“Aw you love the attention and you know it.”

 

“Damn if I didn’t know better I’d swear you been in some Wild Turkey.”

 

“Oh no I haven’t but I could be tempted.” Sam said with a gleeful smile.

 

“When we get home ya great ox!” Dean roared playfully. Sam laughed and together they got into the Impala with Sam turning on the radio to a classic rock station. 

 

“Oh hell no!” Dean started.

 

“Oh hell yeah, this is the one time shotgun calls the music.” Sam roared. Dean subsided with a laugh. It was definitely going to be an interesting evening for them.


	23. Chapter 23

There was a seriously positive change in the atmosphere on Sam and Dean’s next visit to the doctor and they seriously needed the change. 

 

Dean tripped coming out the back door and fell down the short flight of four concrete steps to bounce of the grave and grass pathway they had over to the car porch. Then once in the car the Impala for a change refused to turn over on the first switch of the key. 

 

“Solenoid.” Dean grumbled. Getting out of the car he grabbed a ball peen hammer and gave the starter a hard thwack and then got back in the car, it started he stopped on the way to the appointment at an AutoZone Parts Store and bought a new starter. Then he got caught in traffic on Black Horse Pike as he was navigating a back way he knew would usually put them there on time. After the brief traffic snarl he had fairly clear roads and made good time over to the office. He got her parked and looked at Sam as they got out and smoke was coming out from under the hood. Cussing a blue streak he popped the hood and took a look, top end radiator hose was blown. He sighed; there was a parts store about three blocks down from the doc’s office complex that would probably have the replacement hose. So he closed the hood and went in heading straight for the patient’s rest room to wash his hands. 

 

Finally they were seated in the office both of them with beers in hand Dean crushing his can and going for a second when the doctor walked in. Dean stopped set the beer down on the credenza, opened his wallet and held out a $20 bill to the doctor.

 

“What’s that for?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“The beer fund.” Dean said his face set. Carriggan knew better than to argue with him right now so he took the money and sat down as Dean grabbed his beer and sat.

 

“I take it this has been a rough day already?” 

 

“Yeah I nicked my three places when shaving, something I haven’t done since I was a teen, then tripped coming down the back steps which accounts for the scraps and abused knee in my jeans, then the starter in the Impala is dying so I had to stop by and pick one up, got caught in a traffic snarl and finally got here only to have the top end radiator hose blow out on me. So tell me, how is your day?” Dean recited then questioned.

 

“Mild by comparison. Has someone jinxed you?” Carriggan asked seriously.

 

“It wouldn’t surprise me. If they did.” Dean said sourly. Doc Carriggan got up and walked over to a set of drawers built into the bookcase. He reached into the third one and tossed an item to Dean who caught it quickly enough, slapping Sam in the process.

 

“Oh shit bro, my bad.” Dean said looking at the small bag. Felt of it. “Hex bag?” He asked. 

 

“Don’t worry about it; you’ve hit me harder and with better aim.” Sam joked.

 

“Yeah I did some reading up in some esoteric material and learned a few things; I made up an even dozen of these for patients who lost all belief in everything else. So far I’ve given three out and they’ve all reported positive results.”

 

“Sounds like you hit on the right formula.” Sam noted. “What text did you use?”

 

The doctor rattle off a small spate of Latin which caused Dean to stumble a little in his look but Sam brightened immediately. “Good source, got access to a copy but how did you manage to get your hands on one?” 

 

“Catholic Church in town was clearing out some old stuff from their libraries. This was in the stack.”

 

“When and where?” Sam asked Dean rolled his eyes.

 

“North Second, Church of St. Hilda. They still got a table full of stuff that’s just sitting there.”

 

“Not for long.” Dean said with a snort.

 

“It never hurts to look.” Sam said taking out his phone and pulling up the note pad entered in “Epistola ad sanctum Fratrum Thomae Alexandraie” Then the attention turned on the doc for a moment.

 

“How’s Rita.” Dean asked.

 

“Much better, she’s completely out of the danger zone and was playing cards with her mom when I called in a little bit ago.”

 

“Excellent, some good news! That makes all the difference.” Dean exclaimed.

 

“That’s my news, those scuffed knees and the uh scrap on your chin in new.” Carriggan pointed out to Dean.

 

“It’s been a helluva day doc. Let’s skip to the chase okay?” 

 

“How are things going with you two now?” Carriggan asked 

 

“Great we’ve been working at the hospital this week. Dean’s actually got through to and got one hard case patient talking. They have long private talks together. A few times he’s comforted the boy which I know right now is a major concession because this kid was a major hard nut to crack. Me I’ve got a small entourage that likes ghost stories and adventure stories so I tell them about our hunts. Cleaned up versions of course. But still they are comforted by the fact that they now know they weren’t bullshitting their parents about the monster under the bed, or the one in the closet. We’ve chatted with some the parents and got them to indulge their child’s imagination which had helped a lot. We’ve got a couple of huggers on our ward. They’re kids who want nothing better to do than to be hugged and snuggled. They are in severe need of some semblance of security in their little world.” 

 

Dean sat there for a moment then related his story to the doctor. “I went on the ward yesterday and saw Robbie scrunched up on his bed in a knot. Robbie is the troublemaker. I walked over to him and tapped his shoulder…

:

:

:

an arm flailed out angrily as the little boy fought his inner demons. Dean said down on the edge of the bed and didn’t say anything for a long moment that was when Robbie sat up suddenly and lunged for Dean. The grabbed him around the waist and hugged as tight as his smaller frame would allow. He’d burst in to tears and bouts of rage which went on for several minutes until finally he began to wear down. 

 

Dean laid him down in bed and then slid in next to him and pulled him into his lap and against his chest. The little boy did something that was also uncharacteristic in that he immediately jammed his thumb in his mouth in a deep seat need for security. 

 

“Bad news today sport?” Dean asked. Hugging him tightly. The boy relaxed a bit and nodded vigorously. “Your cancer’s back isn’t it?” Dean said matter of factly. Against him he felt the little head nod again and his shirt was drenched in tears that just kept coming from him. 

 

“Well Goddamn it.” Dean breathed. This stunned the little boy for a moment then he resumed his comforting position. “Pretty bad isn’t it?” Dean said his own voice threatening to break as well. “Chemo or Radiation?” He asked. 

 

Robby pulled the thumb out long enough to say, ‘both.’ 

 

Dean felt his own tears coming as he was crumbling inside for the little boy as well. “Have you talked to any of your other buddies in here?” Dean asked swallowing against a lump that wouldn’t stay put.

 

“Don’t have any friends in here.” He said defensively. 

 

“Have you tried?” Dean asked. He shook his head. Sam had the gang over to talk to them and he turned his attention on Dean who was cradling young Robbie. Dean felt hot tears streaking his face as he spoke up for Robby. 

 

“Robby here, got some real bad news today. The monster you’re all fighting in coming back to try and attack him again.” Robby buried his face against Dean in shame. “He’s fighting this all alone. How do you handle things like this.” Dean asked the little group that suddenly got up and surrounded the little bed. There were suddenly hands reaching out to give comfort and support, friendly hands, not hateful or spiteful hands. He felt a punch in this arm and looked up, it was Bridger, an 8 year old as tough as him. 

 

“That’s for being a butthole. Now c’mon you’re making us miss story time, Sam was going to tell us about a werewolf.” They hesitantly started back and Dean looked down at Robbie whose face was a study in awe. 

 

“Do you want to go sit with them, hey, I’ll go with you, okay?” Together they joined the circle of kids and listened to how Sam and Dean battled a very real monster that thankfully the kids all thought was imaginary.

 

The story wound on for a while and Dean started feeling a weight against him. It was Robby burrowing to make himself more comfortable. Dean picked him up and set him in his lap cradling him. Kids around him touching him and stroking him comfortingly until at last Robbie dosed off in Dean’s arms. 

 

The story soon wound down with Dean and Sam as the heroes of course and they all headed back to their beds thankful to sit through a story of a monster that could be so easily dealt with while they all fought their own inner dragons. Dean laid Robbie gently down in his bed and covered him up, kissed him good night and then they made ready to leave.

:

:

:

“I talked with the nurse after story hour and found out that the brain tumor that Robby had was attacking aggressively and that the doctors were pulling out the stops to try and stop the growth.” Dean said around a similar lump in his throat.

 

“And you’re seeing Kyle all over again aren’t you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah.” Dean admitted huskily. “We ordered some pizzas for tonight’s hour. We talked with dietary and the staff and they don’t see how a single pizza party is going to compromise anything they’re doing.”

 

“What about the extra work hours?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I’m trimming my schedule back to more manageable hours and just taking on two jobs at a time.” Dean admitted.

 

“I’m still on firsts and my hours are pretty much set in stone.” Sam noted. “ 

 

“So things are indeed looking up for you?”

 

“With small exceptions of days like today, yeah.” Sam commented. 

 

“Did you ever hear about things ended up with the Bunch estate? Or have you closed that chapter?” 

 

“No, we hear from time to time about some things that are happening. The biggest of which was that Tony had a hefty insurance package that paid a couple of million on the deaths. The parents of Tony are the heirs to that estate and they’re donating a chunk to the children’s cancer center to help the hospice develop more programs for kids that they get in from time to time, as well as a chunk I heard that they donated to the cancer centers main charity fund for research. We splurged a little and had a box with a glass cover made that would fit the glove and ball to protect them. “ Dean told him sitting back relaxing now.

 

“I guess the biggest news is that yesterday being the first paid our rent and our landlord told us he was going to have to move back out West and was thinking of turning some of his property over to a management agency and selling some of it. We talked for a couple of hours and managed to convince him to sell that house to us.” Sam spoke up to them. “We met with the bank this morning and were approved for the amount of the mortgage. So we go the wheels in progress to buy the house. “ 

 

“It not going to overstretch you?” Carriggan asked concerned.

 

“It shouldn’t, plus we got a good chunk saved up for a down payment.” Sam noted.

 

“Well, good for you then. I’m glad to hear it.” Carriggan said. 

 

Dean’s cell phone rang and he checked the number, “Job site.” He muttered.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Paco! Good thing I caught you. You where you can meet me downtown?” Juan said excitedly.

 

“Sure mano, what’s up?”

 

“Our numbers mano, that’s what’s up, that ticket we got on the lottery the other day won. We split $2.5 mil dude!” Juan said cheering.

 

It was a good thing they were seated. Dean’s eyes glazed over. “I’ll meet you at the lotto office in an hour.” And he hung up. He looked at Sam, our numbers that we bought with Juan the other day, they hit! We’re splitting two and a half million!”

 

“Oh shit dude!” 

 

“Well what are you wasting time sitting around here for!? Go! I’ll see you next week.” Carriggan chimed happily. Hustling them out. Happy to see changes in fate for a lot of people lately.


	24. Chapter 24

The week passed swiftly enough with Dean and Sam meeting Juan and Maria at the Lotto office in Atlantic City to claim the winnings. They made an arrangement to have the proceeds deposited into a joint account between the two couples then they would split the winnings. 

 

Dean and Sam were staggered when they met at the bank that next Monday before the Tuesday appointment with Dr. Carriggan, and they split the proceeds of the $2.5 million. They each walked away with over a million after taxes. Sam and Dean were staggered and the first thing they did was invest a chunk of the winnings in a CD that would earn them some interest on the winnings. 

 

Tuesday rolled around and they drove up in a new pickup truck. Sam and Dean conceded to that considering the numbers of construction and some private consulting Dean did to bring in extra work for Bob. Bob was more than a little grateful at the slickness of Dean’s ability to wrap them up some real sweet deals to keep them busy during the winter months when normally they’d be taking loads of time off from having nothing to do. The remodel work went great for them and they managed to knock out with only a month of lag time. 

 

Dean made it a point to bring that up the next session with the doctor, and as they were sitting in the waiting room Dean and Sam traded a look for a brief moment which read volumes. Dean leaned into Sam.

 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Dean said with a smirk.

 

“What’s that?” Sam asked.

 

“Can we finally afford to get a king sized bed?” He said with a smirk.

 

“Sam, Dean, come on back.” The nurse called.

 

She led them into the office where Doc Carriggan was sitting there going over some data on his laptop when they entered. He looked up as they entered and smiling warmly as per usual.

 

“Well have you been totally corrupted by your new found wealth?” He asked jokingly.

 

“Not really corrupted but definitely tempted.” Sam replied. “It was suggested to me in your waiting room that we might want to consider that king sized bed now.” He laughed.

 

“It’s definitely a consideration.” Dean said joining the laugh.

 

“So how are things going with your lives in general?” 

 

“The uh ‘new found wealth’ aside, there’s still a few rough spots.” Sam admitted.

 

“Oh you are so not going to talk about THAT here?!” Dean exclaimed.

 

“So where do you want me to talk about it and who else can give us some pointers over the issue?” Sam asked.

 

“It’s just a quirk, I’ll get over it eventually.” Dean said.

 

“What’s the quirk. You talk, I’ll cut you off if it’s more information than I need to know.” Carriggan bargained.

 

“Well one of the techniques I like doing when I’m giving Dean a blow job it to suck and nibble at his nuts. Drives him skyward.”

 

“Oh Sam that’s broaching the need to know area.” Carriggan said with a laugh. 

 

“Well I was working on the left side and he was responding like always, but then without thinking I went over to the right side. He froze up and just lay there for the longest moment I was afraid I’d committed the ultimate act of wrong. It was an act of wrong and pretty severe.”

 

“I don’t have a real nut on that side!” Dean barked angry at being exposed like that. 

 

“Feel’s real to me.” Sam commented. 

 

“Did you have any sensations on that side when he started playing with you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Uh some, yeah, there was some tingling, and I was starting to feel a bit of a rush.” Dean started.

 

“But then you remembered which side he was on and it freaked you out.” Carriggan supplied.

 

“Yeah, I just wasn’t prepared for that.” Dean admitted.

 

“The thing that bothers me is, when are you going to stop feeling so touchy about that? And what can I do to help you?”

 

“UH!” Dean started.

 

“Fair questions.” Carriggan interjected.

 

“When am I going to stop feeling touchy about it? I really don’t know. I’ve never had to deal with an issue like this before and there’s not a support group for men out there who’ve had my kind of cancer.”

 

“You’re wrong there Dean there are several online support teams that have email forums. Yes I know it’s not the same as face-to-face meeting with a survivor, but it’s something.” Carriggan supplied then he turned to this laptop and rattled the keyboard a moment. After a moment he turned the laptop around and show him a link. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Testicular-Cancer/support-group . “I’m going to email you the link. I suggest you go there and make some friends with survivors who can probably talk to you better than I can. All I can say is that you gotta roll with the punches man. You’re going to experience these valleys and peaks. Let Sam into this part of your life as well, it’s all too easy to shut your loved ones out. You should be the one begging him into this part of your life.”

 

“Okay, I’m soundly spanked.” Dean commented.

 

“From what I understand you like that sort of thing.” Carriggan popped back.

 

“Ooo a smartass.” Dean joked.

 

“See Dean that’s what I’m talking about. You’ve got to realize you are surrounded by those who want to help you, your problem is that you’re too wrapped up in the “CULT OF MANHOOD” to escape and admit that ‘yes I need your help.’” Carriggan took a long look at them “I take it you’re offering yourself to help him?” He asked Sam.

 

“IF he’ll give me an indication as to what he wants.” Sam said tiredly then he grabbed Dean’s hand tightly in his own and held on. “What’s the matter, do you think you’re a freak or something?” Sam takes his other hand and turns Dean’s face to him. “You’re all that matters to me now. Yeah, I fucked up in the past, I fucked up big time, and I’ve been working like hell to make up for it. Sometimes though I feel like I gotta keep workin’ at it.” Sam said his eyes filled for the moment then he starts to release Dean’s hand but Dean won’t have that. Dean gripped back on Sam’s hands hard.

 

“We’ve both fucked up. But no, what you did is paid for, it’s done and over with.”

 

“Then why do I feel an accusing look from you from time to time?” Sam responded.

 

“Because you want to.” Dean said slowly, “You just can’t let it go, you use what happened with you getting hopped on demon blood then falling to the trap as guilt to beat yourself up.” Dean said short circuiting with his anger.

 

Carriggan looked at them both as they slowly turned to look at him. “Don’t mind me, you’re doing just fine.” The he looked at them critically for a moment. “Sam don’t take this any other way that what I mean. But you are a mother hen who doesn’t know when to quit clucking.” Dean started to laugh when the doctor looked at him. “And you’re the young cock of the walk who doesn’t know when to keep his beak zipped either.” They both gave him scandalized looks. “You can put away the looks of astonishment. Sam you know I hit close to the mark if not right on top of it. You’ve done something in your past that is haunting you and Dean is the catalyst for that haunting. And Dean, you’re there for him, but as long as you benefit a bit from it as well.” He looked at them both in turn then he looked at the clock on the wall. “Excuse me a moment.” He got up and walked out of the room.

 

Dean and Sam shared a look then Sam spoke, “He’s got me nailed square. I can’t seem to forget about Ruby, just when I think my mind is clear and I’m on my way, she pops up.”

 

“Okay, I can accept that, but Sam that was years ago, you gotta let go sometime.” 

 

“I can’t.” Sam said guiltily.

 

“Why not?” Carriggan asked rejoining them. “We’ve been over the Ruby scenario several times and analyzed it to death. Sam, do you like feeling weighed down with guilt? I am also actually quite serious.”

Carriggan watched the interaction a moment then he looked at Dean. “Slide down to the end of the couch.” Dean looked askance but did. Sam stretch out on the couch and put your head in his lap.” Sam had the askance look but did as ordered his feet resting over the arm of the couch. “Comfy?”

 

“Uh yeah, Doc, I know our hour is up.” Dean said feeling foolish. 

“I told my nurse to reschedule my next appointment or let them know I would be an hour late getting to them.” Carriggan noted. “Besides, my schedule is my business not yours.” Carriggan said some what charred.

 

“Is there something you’re upset with Doc?” Sam asked.

 

“Nothing more than a patient who is addicted to guilt.” He said frankly.

 

“Addicted to…heeeeyyyy not me.” Dean said raising his hands.

 

“No, actually it’s Sam.” Carriggan said easily. 

 

“Me? I’m not ‘addicted’ to guilt.” Sam said easily.

 

“Really lay there for five minutes and don’t move.” 

 

“I can’t do that.”

 

“Why not!?” Dean and the doctor said in unison. 

 

“Dean, as heavy as I am, I’ll put a cramp in your legs.”

 

“There ya go.” Carriggan said. “You’re worried about putting a cramp in his legs when something tells me that Dean wouldn’t mind you laying there for an hour.”

 

“Actually, yeah that would be kinda cool.” Dean opined.

 

“You’d say anything to get me near your crotch.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“Now that you mentioned it.” Dean responded then saw Sam’s gaped look, and grinned. “Don’t start something you’re not prepared to finish.” The he turned his attention to Carriggan. “I’ve heard of addictions to nearly everything, and I could see where guilt would be addictive, but come on, you think that Sam…?”

 

“Ask Sam.” Carriggan nodded.

 

“Sam, you think about anything else but feeling guilty about something?” Dean asked.

 

“Well yeah, I think about a lot of things, you know that.” Sam said quickly.

 

“But…Sam…the…nah man, that’s too wild…but…” Dean stammered.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam asked.

 

“It’s true, the only times I can remember you being happy were in periods of high stress. Moderate stress gets you feeling good. But…”

 

“Oh no, come on, you’re bullshitting me. You really think that I?”

“What do you do for guilt addicts?” Dean asked the doctor.

 

“Nothing.” Carriggan said quickly. “Well, let me amend that, I can do nothing until the person who is guilt addictive realizes they’re a junkie to guilt.” He turned his attention to Sam who appeared lost in thought for the moment. Dean began an absent minded stroking of his hair. Dean and Sam were both smiling at the moment. Then Sam looked up to the doctor. 

 

“You’re right. The absolute best I’ve really felt not emotionally but in every other respect was when we were going through all that with Dean’s cancer and then dealing with Kyle.” Sam admitted.

 

“And your admission right now is feeding your addiction. Guilt is the biggest barrier in overcoming any addiction. However, feeling that guilt to some is an emotional rush. So…we’re going to spend the next few/several sessions addressing your guilt Sam.”

 

Sam looked up from his position on Dean’s lap. “You’re making me feel very exposed here.”

 

“Sam I could have you in group therapy, but I know how you react to large groups of strangers and the picture is something Picasso would be proud of.” 

 

“You’re also making me feel very little here.” Sam pouted.

 

“First you’ve got to get torn down to the foundations before we can build new. And I’ll be the very first to admit that the next few sessions are going to get ugly. You’re going to be visiting a side of yourself that you don’t want to admit is there and you really don’t want to see. But it’s that or you go on like you are.”

 

“Absolutely not Doc.” Dean said firmly.

 

Sam looked up at him with a hurt expression, “I’m not that bad.” 

 

“Sam, most days are good ones, we get through the usual mundane parts of life and even some firey points really good. But there are some days when you are practically vibrating off of things you have no control over but you think you should be able to solve.”

 

“So my reaction to your reaction the other night was just my guilt talking?” 

 

“Actually yeah it was.” Carriggan noted. “You immediately felt exposed and undone because of that incident. I’m not saying all guilt is bad, we need some level of that emotion to balance out the whole. But when we seem to thrive on that when it turns bad and fast.”

 

“We going to start on some work here in the office and you will have homework. First though.” He turned and opened a door to his credenza and pulled out a legal pad and grabbed a pen from a cup of pens in the cabinet. He checked it out to make sure it’d write then he motioned Sam to sit up. 

 

“Snuggle up for this exercise. What I want you to do Sam is to list 10 things you feel are wrong about yourself.”

 

“Didn’t we do this before?” Dean asked.

 

“Yes, in a fashion, this time is different. Go ahead Sam, and don’t be afraid of what you write. Dean no coaching him.”

 

After about 8 to 10 minutes Sam relaxed his writing hand and sighed.

 

“Done?” Carriggan asked. Sam nodded. Then Carriggan surprised them. “Okay let Dean take a look at the list, no comments Dean, just look over the list. These are weaknesses your partner perceives in himself. After a moment Carriggan held out his hand to Sam. “The pad please. Oh and make yourself comfortable again. If you prefer to snuggle or cuddle the couch I’m sure will accommodate that. 

 

“You mind if I lay my head back….?” Sam asked tentatively. Dean grinned, then patted his lap. Sam wasted no time curling up. 

 

“You feel secure like that don’t you?” Carriggan asked as he perused the list.

 

“Yes actually I do and as corny as it sounds it’s kind of sexy.”

 

“I don’t think it’s corny at all, I love it when we’re watching a movie together and you curl up into me.” Dean said smiling. Sam returned the smile a trifle sheepishly.

 

Carriggan was still looking over the and without looking up asked Sam. “So tell me Sam, what does Dean do to make you feel sexy when you are doing mundane household chores.” 

 

Dean tilted his head as he looked at Sam who was blushing. “I love it when you come up behind me and wrap your arms around me while I’m doing dishes or preparing a meal. I love the way your body feels pressed up against mine.” Sam admitted grinning through the blush.

 

“What about you Dean?” 

 

“I get turned on when he’s running around the house doing nothing special, but when he’s dressed in his sweats. He’s got the figure that for me is a turn on in sweat pants. Especially when you’re going commando and I can see your dick flopping up and down or side to side under the fabric.”

 

That’s some pretty powerful admissions there guys and things you might want to consider doing on purpose to add a bit of spice to the relationship. Sam, I take it you do most of the cooking?”

 

“Yeah, I mean I work in a health food store/restaurant.” He said with a grin. 

 

“Do you have to wear an apron?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Great go out and buy an apron similar to what you use and make dinner some times in just the apron and nothing else.” Carriggan suggested.

 

“Tried that once a long time ago, we never got around to the meal.” Dean said laughing. “I’ll even go with you to help you find some classy aprons.” Dean suggested to him. 

 

“Okay Sam let’s take a look at your list here. The first thing you got on here is that you don’t feel worthy.”

 

“Worthy of what?” Carriggan asked. “Dean, Dean’s love, your life together, all of the above.”

 

“Dean’s love.”

 

“Sam…!” Dean started but Carriggan stopped him with a raised hand.

 

“You’ll get your turn, but for now let’s go through the list together.”

 

“You look in a mirror and you don’t see sexy.”

 

He starts skimming the list then freezes. “You don’t really mean this Sam.” 

 

“I mean everything I wrote.” 

 

“You think the world would be better off without you.”

 

“These are all very powerful negative thoughts, thoughts that are rooted in your subconscious that’s gonna take some work getting adjusted. What I need to know is are you willing to make that adjustment, are you willing to work with me to make that adjustment or am I just spinning my wheels?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean gripped Sam tight in a hug, then held him out to arms length for a moment and swept him up in a powerful hug, Dean was completely speechless over the words.

 

“Sam I want you to remember one very important thing and I want you to do one very important thing. First, say No.”

 

“No.”

 

“Like you mean it.”

 

“NO!” He said somewhat stronger. 

 

“Think of me as your father sitting here and say it.”

 

“NO!!!” Came the near shout.

 

“Good cause when you get one of these thoughts in your head, that’s what I want you to say and that’s how I want you to say it. As loudly and forcefully as you can. You can do this around home or when you’re driving. Obviously you can’t do this at work, but it doesn’t mean you can’t think it.” Carriggan looked at him intently. “I’m disturbed by that last comment, it means you’ve contemplated suicide.

What are your thoughts on that?” 

 

It can be painful, it’s a final solution depending on the determination of the person committing, it’s a cry for help, it’s…it’s a lot of things.”

 

“Good we’re on a first step on the road to recovery. That you haven’t acted on it is a good sign, it means I have something to work with that doesn’t require hospitalization. The second thing I want you to remember is that NO is a complete sentence, N is the subject O is the verb.”

 

“That seems rather simplistic.” Dean mentioned and Sam had to nod.

 

“Life seems rather simplistic when you soak it down to the component parts.” Carriggan said with a smile. “Okay homework, Sam everytime you have a negative thought you’re going to go…”

 

“NO!” Sam barked. “Or at least think it real hard.”

 

“Dean your job is to see that he does his job. Remember a little guilt is healthy, too much is like too much cake. It’ll make you sick.” 

 

“Okay, I think we can handle that.” 

 

“Sam, you might want to save your shouting NO to being alone to start with, break Dean into it. That would be the best way. And the safest. Don’t think you’re going to get cured in a week. You didn’t get like this in a week. Sam you are a bookish person, get a copy of “Escaping Toxic Guilt” by Susan Carrell. I highly recommend it. We’re not going to turn you into an unfeeling automaton, but we are going to get you on the road to healthy guilt.”

 

“Okay doc. I’m with you on this.”

 

“Good you better be. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Carriggan concluded.


	25. Chapter 25

Ten days flew before their next appointment. They sat together in the waiting room with Dean jiggling one leg nervously. Dean was reacting strangely to sharp noises for some reason. The nurse politely notified them that it was their turn so making their way back to the office Dean headed straight for the refrigerator and grabbed out two beers sitting the customary soda in Carriggan’s place. Dean sat down and popped the top and quickly swallowed a third of the can. His next swallow killed the can. Pitching the empty he got another and started on it starting to mellow out some. Dr. Carriggan came in and noticed he was already on a can looked askance and Sam held up 2 fingers surreptiously. 

 

Carriggan’s eyebrows went up slightly and he took his customary place across from the popping the top.

“I would ask how have things been going however, the case of nerves that your exhibiting Dean, it’s been a trying time for you.” 

 

“This “NO” therapy must be working for him but it’s got me wound like a punchy fighter. He’ll be walking through the house and shout out NO then keep on walking. Me, I’m a nervous wreck because I never know when the next ones coming. 

 

“Okay for starters Dean you’re on half a Xanax twice a day…” Carriggan said looking at patient records on his laptop. I want to bump that up to a full table twice daily. You’ll be able to handle that and it’ll help you control your nerves a bit better. 

 

Sam in the meantime was looking incredibly embarrassed and sheepish. “The therapy is working for you?” He asked Sam.

 

Sam nodded affirmatively. “It’s helps to strip a load of stress off my system. I’m only sorry that Dean has to be subjected to any of it.”

 

“Okay let’s try a different tact when Dean’s a home. Instead of shouting NO, ball up your fist, doesn’t matter which hand and smack it hard in the other hand. It’s quieter and just as effective and will help defocus your stress.”

 

“Good, good shot doc.” Sam said smiling.

 

“So how are things going during this interval?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Sam is sleeping through the nights, he wakes up pleasanter, and is a much nicer person to be around and well, he’s rubbing onto me because despite my jumping like a shot at loud noises, I believe that I’ve calmed out some and have become more bearable.” Dean said.

 

“We’ve both become nicer people to be around.” Sam supplied.

 

“This is a good thing.

 

“I want you to do me a favour.” He said reached into the credenza and coming out with a pair of pads and pens. He passed one to each. “I want you each to put into words a mental picture of what you look like when you step out of the shower.” He asked.

 

“Doc if you want to see me naked, I’ll strip down.” Dean said jokingly.

 

“Actually I want to see out you perceive yourselves. This exercise shouldn’t take any longer than let’s say 10 minutes.” Carriggan offered and set back in his chair sipping at his soda. He looked up and got a start time from the clock then sat back and made some entries into the office computer network. He checked the time on his computer clock when 10 minutes had passed and he looked up at them.

 

“Okay time’s up, Pen’s down please. By the way there is no embarrassment feature in this, I sincerely want to know what you think of yourself in the mirror. He takes the pads and motions them to sit back and relax.

 

“Smoke em if you got em.” He said playfully. Dean surprised the doctor by pulling out a pack of Marlboro’s and lighting up one. The reached into a drawer on the cabinets and drew out a marble ash tray. “I was kidding, though by all means definitely use tobacco if it helps calm you down.”

 

“I smoke at home but only outside. I started back a week ago when all the no’s started coming nearly rapid fire. There were a lot of negative thoughts going through his brain and well I gave in to something I hadn’t done in over ten years.”

 

Carriggan smiled and nodded very sympathetically, Sam still had a sheepish look about him. He reached over and took Dean’s free hand and squeezed. Carriggan could see the love in his eyes for his brother and partner. He smiled as he went back to reading. It was a quick read for him, but then he went back with a critical eye and reread each document.

 

He looked at Sam first. “So you perceive yourself as average looking, nothing special, body hair so fair as to be be nonexistent. You do note that you are proud of the muscle that you’ve put on through the shoulders and abdominals, you admit to the surprise that all that working out you did during the year’s hiatus from your brother when you were wandering with your grandfather and the four months during your death Dean, that the muscle building worked on all the muscles, emphasis on all. So I must conclude from this you experienced some penile growth as well?” 

 

Sam blushed to his roots. “An extra inch and a half.” He said with shy pride. You acknowledge that your growth has been proportional and you don’t seem as gangly as you once did. Something I gather you are proud of?”

 

“I’ve lived most of my life all arm and leg, now they all work and function as a unit, so I guess some good did come out of that year in hell with Samuel Campbell and his team.” Sam acknowledged.

 

“Good you paint a good picture of yourself. This is good. You find some humour in the situation and you find joy in your freedom as well. This is all good. Now Dean let’s take a look at yours.”

 

He read through it again, hiding a smile now and then and fighting an outright snicker at several points. “Well Dean, you are highly proud of your body, you joke about it which is good, it means you’re not stressing over anything about your body. You have some regret at being sexually shorter than your brother, but as you note six and half isn’t anything to sneeze at. Dean average male penile length when erect is five inches, so you’re an inch and a half above average. You give good detail to your physical prowess and you outline a roadmap of scars and bullet holes. Surely you’re joking about that.” Carriggan said as Dean stood and quickly stripped out of his jacket, over shirt and pulled his tee-shirt up to reveal the network of scars. The doctor gasped.

 

“Most of this was self repaired.” Dean noted, hence the scarring. Pulling down his Tee he shrugged elaborately. “No biggie. Worst stuff I got repaired at a hospital the rest like I said, field work.”

 

“You go on to detail the work you put into getting into the physical shape you’re in. Frankly gentlemen I’m impressed. You both present perfectly healthy overviews of your physical shape you both concentrate lightly on the sexual areas which tell me you are very satisfied with each other sexually.” 

 

He looked at them then at Sam who suddenly reached over with his right hand to his left and pinched the back of the hand hard. He turned loose after a moment and looked apologetically at the doctor.

 

“I got to thinking what you were saying and I hate pinches, I’ve always hated being pinched, I thought a good hard pinch at a NO moment would be sufficient for the smacking of the fist in the palm and quieter as well.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“Good solution.” Carriggan noted. “Served to satisfy your NO moment and preserves your partner’s sanity. I’ve a question for you two, well it’s sort of a personal question and shit, forget I said anything.” Carriggan stumbled uncharacteristically.

 

“You’re not getting off that easy considering some of the questions we’ve been asked.” Dean barked a laugh.

 

“Well you two have been tight for years, in the state of New Jersey there is no incest law, and there is a civil union status. You ever thought about that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We’re holding off until marriage becomes legal in the state.” Sam said smiling. 

 

“How do you think your friends will take to that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Bobby is really the one we’re worried about talking this over with. He’s old fashioned about that sort of thing.” Dean said in acknowledgement.

 

“As it is we’re pretty much a married couple in all but legal standing. “ Sam said nodding to Dean. 

 

“So how are your other ghosts resting?” Carriggan asked.

 

“The NO exercises have had a good effect like I said. We’re actually connected again, something I’m kinda surprised that we needed to do. I mean I never saw us floating apart, but…we were.” Dean admitted.

 

“Yeah we were just going through the motions of a relationship. This past weekend, we had the whole weekend off so we spent the day in bed together. Not in a rush to get up and do anything when we did get up we didn’t bother with getting dressed. We didn’t get dressed until that evening when we had our night in the hospital.” Sam said with a pleased smile.

 

“That was going to be my next question.”

Dean look haunted for a moment, “Luci Smith, she was one of our youngest at 5, had a cancer growth in her heart. The cancer got aggressive over night and she was moved to ICU, she died that afternoon. The nurses came in and we’re going to clear out her bed area. We stopped them for a while at least until we could sit down with the kids for story hour. Robbie was sitting next to me when we started…”

 

:

:

:

The little group of children were silent, there was none of the usual chatter that Dean or Sam would have to call down to be heard over. They were all sitting in a tight clump around Dean and Sam. It was Sam that broke the silence.

 

“We’re not grief specialists; we wouldn’t begin to know how to talk to you about handling this from a professional point of view. From a kids point of view maybe we have an inside track. You are all probably sad that Lucy’s gone. You probably like me being shocked speechless to find her little bed empty. So what do you think about it?” Sam offered. 

 

There was that still silence for a while then Robbie snaked up his hand. Dean reached an arm around the boy, something that two weeks ago that child wouldn’t have tolerated. Dean wasn’t sure what was going to come out of his little mouth but he was pretty sure it would be memorable. He nodded to Robbie.

 

“It sucks!” He said as tears began to streak his little face. “It’s not fair. Not Luci.” He said folding up into Dean sobbing. Dean looked around the little group of 10 other faces. 

 

“How many of you have been told that it’s not okay to cry?” There wasn’t a hand that was raised but there was an unspoken assent. Dean looked at them and whispered. “It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to feel hurt, Lucy was yanked away from you but are you mad at the cancer or God?” Dean started. “God looked down and saw how little Lucy was fighting bravely a real bad thing. The probably St. Peter came up to him and said “God we got that new playground ready for the children.” And God looked back down and decided that Lucy had fought long enough and it was time that she have a chance to run and play again.” Dean smiled. “Maybe that’s what happened, maybe not, but I don’t think that God caused her to die like that, yes I used the “D” word, anyways, I don’t think the Big Guy just let her die like that out of fun or anything like that.”

 

“Does that mean I’ll die too?” Timmy McCann asked his 6 year old face crumbling and a nearby child reached out and hugged him. Dean barked a laugh that took them all by surprise and once he saw he had their attention. 

 

“You’re afraid of death? Death ain’t nothing to be scared of. He’s just an angel with a job to do and he has angels working for him who are as kind and gentle as anyone you could not. Will you die too? We all will sooner or later. Does this mean you’ll die this year? Heck if I know.” Dean said censoring himself. “One thing I do know is that if we spend all our time worrying about dying we forget how to live. So which is more important?”

 

“Living.” A little chorus of voices went up. 

 

“Yep and we gotta kick this cancer bug’s butt square!” Dean said getting a snicker out of some of them. “I had it and I’m alive. You’ve all got different kinds of this mean old bug, but if you let the bug win the you lose.” Dean paused then swallowed against the lump that was building in his throat as he looked at the young boys and girls, some with hair, some bald, some wearing skullcaps to cover where their hair was coming out in patches. “Is it okay to cry for Lucy.” He wiped at his eyes, “Yeah, it’s okay.” He said and by his tacit admission and his own tears being shed they all grabbed a neighbour or three or more pulled together in a little huddle and cried for Lucy.

:

:

:

 

“After that Sam and I worked on getting them back in their beds and tucked in with their goodnight kisses.” Dean said tears streaming as he saw all those young faces in his mind. “There were a couple we had to have the nurse’s help with but most of them were glad to be treated as grownups.” Dean said.

 

“Even Robbie let me tuck him in and then he gave me a hug. If through this little work we can reach out and get kids like Robbie who come in tough as nails, to open up to us. I think we’ve done a fair days work.” Sam noted with tears of his own. 

 

Even Carriggan got a bit misty eyed at the recitation of events and the talk that they’d had not treating the kids as kids but as equals. That he knew meant all the world of difference between success and failure. 

 

“So what did you two do when you got home?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean looked at Sam a moment then reached out and grabbed him in a hug. “We went to bed and fell asleep snuggling.” Dean admitted.

 

“Dean Winchester, I never thought I would convict you of the crime of snuggling.” Carriggan joked.

 

“Guilty as charged.” Dean responded with a small nod. Then he sighed. “We’ve been batting around our heads all day for the story for tonight. We’ve been trying to tell stories lately that have been upbeat, well the night before last we got called on the carpet by the kids. “ 

 

:

:

:

“I’m just saying that I thought you’d all like the story.” Dean said visibly disturbed.

 

“You used to tell spooky stories Unca’ Dean, you don’t, no more.” Katy Suzanne Martin responded with all of her eight year old authority as the group’s oldest girl.

 

“I’m sorry, I just thought you’d like different stories for a while after what happened to Lucy.” Dean admitted.

 

Katy gave a long suffering sigh and looked at him. “IF we want different we’ll tell you, now tell a spooky story please.” She asked batting her over long lashes at him, thoroughly breaking through all his defences.

:

:

:

 

“So I had to tell them a not so hot ending story where we got pretty well chewed up. They loved it of course.” Dean said quietly.

 

“Never underestimate the power of the child’s imagination. You already admitted to them that you know how scared they are of a monster that’s actually in them, you give them success stories over what they believe are fake monsters, some may think you’re being straight with them. But you’re giving them stories in which good triumphs over evil even after good get’s their collective ass kicked.” Carriggan advised. “So what’s on the menu for tonight or dare I ask?” Carriggan mentioned. 

 

“We got a story Sammy’s gonna tell of a Wendigo hunt we did, shit it was one our first hunts after I fetched Sam from Stanford.” Dean recalled. “It was a rough hunt. I got the shit rightly beat out of me on that one.”

 

“So Dean according to your schedule you were due for a checkup with Dr. Samuelson soon.” Carriggan pointed out.

 

“This afternoon in fact.” Dean said a bit pensive.

 

“What’s the matter. You haven’t felt another lump have you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“This morning while I was showering I did a self-exam, it’s small but it’s there, but it doesn’t hurt.” Dean noted.

 

“Well don’t make it a bigger problem than it is. Probably just a cyst.” Carriggan said.

 

“We’re going to Trader Joe’s for lunch after we leave here and then the appointment is at 2:00, so we’ve got plenty of time to kill.”

 

“Good, I’m glad you work it to take time off together for these appointments. It makes things a helluva lot easier.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Dean has a flexible boss when it comes to this stuff. And mine is not stodgy. Well not as he’d like everyone to believe.” Sam said with a smile.

 

“You both seem not to be tense about this.” Carriggan said.

 

“We agreed not to worry until we have something to worry about.” Dean said.

 

They parted company then their hour at an end and they did go to Trader Joe’s on E19th Street. They had a leisurely time of it and worked their way through what would have been a knife edge of a healthy meal. Then they had time to go to a small park near Samuelson’s office for a leisurely walk as well ending up in the doctor’s office. The nurse took Dean back for the usual triage work then got him in an examination room. It was a few minutes time but Dr. Samuelson came in smiling and cheerful. 

 

“Hey young man, been a while.” He started then saw the look in Dean’s eyes. “Take down your pants please.” Samuelson said immediately.

 

“How could you tell?” Dean asked unbuckling his belt.

 

“You don’t last as long as I have in this field until you learn all the looks. You got that “I found a lump look.”” The doc recited.

 

He took his time and examined the testicle carefully and found the bump. Then he straightened up smiling. “What you found is an epidymal cyst. Perfectly harmless and almost 100% not likely to become cancerous.” 

 

Dean had to grab the exam table to steady himself as he felt his equilibrium shift for a moment.

 

“You okay bro?” Samuelson asked quickly as he steadied Dean a bit. “Lay down.” He ordered. That’s when he noticed the tears that had sprung to Dean’s eyes. 

 

“Just relieved is all.” Dean said brushing at his eyes a moment. “You’ve no idea how scared I was that that was something worse.” 

 

“Dean you’re a survivor! You’re gonna feel extra stress when you get little surprises like this. The good thing is when we can give you the immediate diagnosis that yeah, I could put you through all the tests for and it’d fatten my pocket but still come back with the same thing. Now jack your pants back up and then we’ll draw blood and you can go. Shit you’re healthy as a damn ox and about as smart.” Samuelson joked at him. Dean laughed gladly at the joke as he pulled up his pants and resituated himself. Finally he was done and came out of the back with a big grin that Sam immediately felt relief over. They grabbed each other in a strong hug heedless of their little audience. 

 

“It’s a cyst.” Dean told him in a near whisper. 

 

They silently celebrated along with 3 other couples who were in for their cancer checkups. There were smiles all around for his good news. They left the office for another leisurely walk around the park this time in private celebration of the good news.


	26. Chapter 26

Dr. Carriggan walked into the consulting room to find both Sam and Dean sitting there grinning like the village idiot. He knew something was up and that they were bursting to tell him. So he carefully made a show of checking his chair then sat down.

 

“Just checking for whoopee cushions and the like.” Carriggan said with a smile.

 

“We just lost two patients today, just found out in fact.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“Well it must mean they are going home instead of dead.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Brilliant stroke Holmes, you managed to break this case with one sentence.” Sam jokingly cheered.

 

“Tommy Kirkland and Robbie Thornton are both in full remission, have been for a week, and are being given release to home with outpatient care!” Dean said happily.

 

“That’s wonderful news; wait wasn’t Robbie your problem child?” 

 

“That’s just it he’s anxious to do things now. The hospital administration person in that area is going to talk to the family but they talked to us first. That’s when we noted the positive changes in Robbie. She made notes to tell the parents and try to encourage them. All we told them was to tell the parents to let them do as much for themselves as they can handle. They’ll know when’s enough and rest.” Dean said.

 

Dr. Carriggan sat back in his chair with a smile and nodded approvingly. “It’s good to see that you have something positive going on after losing a patient.” The doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Now you see the ‘trauma’ that we doctors go through whenever we gain or lose a patient.”

 

“We haven’t lost a patient yet to suicide, I think that’s a positive.” Sam noted.

 

“Definitely. Suicides are the hardest to deal with for a doctor, counselor, or general worker. “ Carriggan stood now wandering slight, seemingly lost in thought. “We tend to blame ourselves for the loss. We go on the tangent of ‘there was something more we could’ve done.’ I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes you may pray to God for an answer to your quandary. And a lot of times you get back dead silence.” He sat back down now and looked at them. “It’s all a roll of the dice. But children, by and large are easiest to deal with on that count because most of them haven’t the formative mental acuity to consider suicide. Oh they’ll come out with the typical angst ridden comment of “I wish I were dead.”” Carriggan laughed shortly. “Then they’ll reevaluate the statement and come to the conclusion that they really didn’t mean that wish.”

 

“This seems like a near and dear subject for you doc.” Sam said sitting back as well now.

 

“It is, any patient who contemplates suicide is 90% of the time screaming out for someone to listen to them. That’s my job, to draw the pain out of the patient, and sometimes my methods are, well, they are unworthy, despicable, mean-spirited, all of the above.” 

 

“Kind of like some the interviews we’ve had with families over hauntings or poltergeist activity. The first question out of my mouth is “What did you do to piss the spirit off?”” Dean said with a light chuckle. “Most of the time they don’t realize that some stupid stunt they did set off the chain of events that ended up on the poltergeist activity or a haunting.”

 

“So what are your personal plans for the near future?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“We still haven’t ruled adoption out as an option.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“This is news, well old news rehashed. Okay, what brought this on?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Working with those kids, sometimes on our days off if we know it’s near time for one of them to get a chemo treatment, we’ll go over and sit with them through the whole ordeal. Most of the time we’re there with the parents and that’s a good thing too. It gives us exposure to them. Most of the parents are eager to meet us and some a bit reticent about meeting the monster hunters. But shit, nine times out of ten the parents are glad for the work we are doing with the kids on the ward.” Dean explained then grinned a bit more. “Tonight’s a special night. We’re going by Cold Stone Ice Cream and pick up an ice cream cake to take with us. We’ve got a cooler that’s been iced down all day long it’s a special pre-Thanksgiving treat for them. Plus next week we gotta set up for a party as one of our patients is having a birthday.”

 

“You boys have gone head over heels into this. Is this as satisfying for you as hunt was?” 

 

Sam looked at him a moment, and nodded, “Yeah, it is, in fact, it’s moreso, because even the cases we lose to death are winners because their strength goes to help the others left behind.” Sam shifted a little then went on. “We’ve lost two out of the ward since we’ve been there. We’ve got one who’s coming in this week but they’ll be in a private room. They’re 13 and a bit too old for the kids ward. But we’re going to work with her and if she feels like it get her down with us in the ward to work with the other kids.”

 

“I think with all this going on I could…” Dean’s cell phone went off.

 

“Dr. Samuelson’s office…” He said startled. “Excuse me doc. Hello?” 

 

“Dean! Dr. Samuelson here, we got the results in on your blood test and we’d like to do a follow up test in this afternoon to make sure we’re not looking at a false positive.” 

 

“As in?” Dean asked cautiously.

 

“Your white blood cell count is suspiciously low, no I still don’t think that cancer has taken up in your other testicle. But this is something I want to double check before we put you through the battery of tests. Okay?” 

 

“Okay Doc, if you think that’s best.” Dean said reticently.

 

“Look Dean, I understand man, it’s no fun being the survivor only to get news like this. But we want to leave no stone unturned.”

 

“Okay, I’ll be in after my appointment with Doc Carriggan is over.”

 

“Sounds like a winner, see you in a bit.”

 

Dean hung up the phone and immediately it was as if someone switched one of the old fashioned electrical switches. His mood went from sunny to cloudy in a microsecond.

 

“They say my white blood cell count is a bit high and they want to do a double check to make sure that this is not a false positive.” Dean said. 

 

Sam became immediately concerned as well and showed it. Dr. Carriggan looked at Dean. “Okay, you’ve just had your plank pulled out from under you. That’s no reason to abandon a positive mental outlook. You’ve got the very outside chance of this being a positive marker, don’t go wishing for the worst to happen.”

 

“Goddamn it Doc! You think I’d wish this to be a positive?” Dean blatted.

 

“Stranger things have happened.” Carriggan noted quickly. “All I’m saying Dean, is that five minutes ago you were riding the highest cloud, you get a call about a blood test that’s probably a false positive and somebody popped your parachute.”

 

Dean gave the doctor a dirty look for a moment. “I want to be back on that cloud, but I can’t help being scared about this.” 

 

“Cool, be scared but don’t let it shatter that positive outlook you were having, that goes for you too Sam. Go get the blood work done, call me the instant you get results back and let’s talk, okay?”

 

“Sure doc.” Dean said rising from the sofa, Sam gave the doctor a look of ‘what am I supposed to do here.’ 

 

“Support.” Carriggan whispered to Sam who nodded and tried to regain some of the lightness they’d been riding on. 

 

“Look, let’s go do the blood work then stop off at Shenanigan’s for something to drink.”

 

“Little early in the day to go clubbing.” Dean said sourly.

 

“Please Dean, I want some alone time with you but not at home. And I think alcohol would be a good thing right now.”

 

“You’re right.” Dean sighed at they went out to the parking lot. In a half hour they were at Dr. Samuelson’s getting more blood drawn. Then they left and went directly to the club. There were a few barflies there, but basically the club was empty.

 

“Let’s get a table, I’m a little hungry too.” Sam suggested pulling Dean towards a quiet corner. In a moment they placed their orders, Tequila shots and a beer. Sam ordered some fried mushrooms which shocked Dean.

 

“Look you don’t have to go to all this trouble for me.” Dean said morosely. Sam reached out and grabbed his hand and squeezed. 

“Yes…Dean, I do.” Sam answered. “That was too big of a plunge for you to take and we got the kids to see tonight with an ice cream cake. Forget the blood test for right now. Think of the kids.” 

 

“I’ll try to.” Dean said quietly. Sam squeezed a bit on his hand. “I promise I’ll try to okay?” They shared a kiss and the mushrooms arrived with the horseradish dipping sauce and they dug into the bowl. 

 

They had a proper meal later and a bit later found them in the ward at the hospital with the cooler secured in the nurse’s station they went in and found a party atmosphere already. Eight overjoyed little faces were looking up at them from their beds. They looked around the room puzzled. The kids hiding smiles of glee.

 

“Sally Pickett got to go home this afternoon.” Tyler said from all his now 9 year old status as the oldest in the room. Dean and Sam shared a shocked glanced then grinned hugging each other. The party was on then. Dean and Sam gathered them around for games and fun time. Then before they got too tired the cake was brought in with the little paper plates that they’d brought for the occasion as well. There were generous servings all around even for the nurses. It was a superbly happy time for all of them finally the dirty utensils gathered up and trashed, there were soon eight happy and starting to wind down, sleepy little heads gathered around. Dean told them all a good story and then helping them into beds and soon enough they were all asleep

 

Dean and Sam drove home with high spirits, not about to let their mood be spoiled, even though the blood test kept nagging at Dean. 

 

Dean was at work the next day finishing up installing some kitchen cabinetry when his phone rang it was Samuelson’s office. Dean thought about answering it immediately but finished the job and an hour later was at home. He called his voice mail and it was a message for Dean to call back.

 

Dean called but to Samuelson’s private number. 

 

“Hello?”

 

“Doc, Dean here, got a minute?”

 

“Sure, I’m between patients at the moment, your bloodwork came back and the white cell count is still showing high. It’s probably nothing to be worried over but I want to step up the testing. I want you back in here for an MRI just as soon as we can arrange it.”

 

Dean sighed. “Doc I’m scared.” He admitted shamefully for him and thanking all the Gods that ever were that he was alone at home right now, he would have to work up to telling Sam.

 

“I understand man, but it’s probably just a dietary thing. Still I want to scan your major organs and lymph nodes.” Samuelson said determined.

 

“You serious about this.” Dean said.

 

“You goddamned right I am. Dean this is IF territory we’re getting into now, because I can’t see inside you any other way we’re just gonna have to do it the old fashioned way. Look I’m going to talk to my front desk, get them to set up you an appointment with the imaging center and we’re going to go from there. For now, don’t go suspecting the worst.”

 

“You’re right Doc, I got a real bad habit of doing just that.” Dean admitted.

 

“Then if you can’t stop it, find something to do to ignore it.”

 

“Gotcha, well I’ll look to hear from your staff soon then, thanks for the information doc.” And he quickly hung up his phone. He then walked over to the cabinet and pulled down a shot glass looked at it and put it back up pulling down an Old Fashioned glass. Reaching into the panty he lifted out the bottle of whiskey and pour him three fingers. Something told him he deserved that. Then he drank the first hit, hissing at the burn of the liquor, but taking successive hits of the whiskey until his mouth was numb, then he turned the glass up. He’d heard his cell phone going off and ignored it for the moment. Then he went in and looked it was Samuelson’s office calling. 

 

“Leave a message.” He drunkenly said as the liquor didn’t hit his system but on an empty stomach it crashed his system. He then poured the glass nearly full of whiskey and drank that down as quickly only to find that the kitchen was suddenly pitched at an off angle. He carefully turned and was about to walk into the living room when he crashed in a heap onto the floor.

 

He woke up seemingly a lifetime later in a stupor then fell back to sleep, then he kept hearing his name called for some peculiar reason. He tried to respond and fell back asleep. Then he woke to a glaring light over his head and a myriad of cabinets around him. His mouth tasted like a urinal he thought, he tried to respond again and fell back out of it. He finally woke in a darkened room next. He looked around and saw that it was a plain hospital room, though cast in shadows. He suddenly felt a grip on his free hand and looked over to see a haggard Sam looking at him. 

 

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Sam said looking at him through red rimmed, bloodshot eyes. He noticed that Sam’s nose was red as well as if he were Sammy the red nose reindeer. For some reason that hit his system and he giggled slightly. “There’s not a goddamn thing funny about this Dean!” Sam shouted at him. 

 

“Prolly not.” Dean slurred, “But wher’ ‘re Dancer, Prancer, and Fixem.” He stammered, giggling again. Sam didn’t make the connection and bitchslapped him hard. Got up and walked out of the room. A nurse walked in, checking an IV tree and a Foley bag and nodded then left. A few minutes later Sam came back in the room closely followed by Samuelson. They walked over to the bed. Dean looked blearily at Sam. “O’ff’er yer tift Princess?” Dean asked. Then he looked at the doc. “ sup Doc?”

 

“Your blood alcohol level for one thing. You just were trying to check out on us?” Samuelson asked, in what Dean could only think of as an angry tone. 

 

“’s’very body pissed at me. Ain’t done nothin’.” He griped.

 

“Dean, you’re lucky we got to you when we did, that much alcohol combined with your blood sugar probably in your toes and the meds you’re on, acute blood poisoning.” Samuelson said. “You’re getting imaged Monday, that gives your three days to recover from this.

 

“Gotta go see the kids t’nite.” He blurred.

 

“First it’s two in the morning, second you’re not going anywhere, third this is a helluva a brother to standing by you right now. You better appreciate that.” Dr. Samuelson looked at his tree, and then left the room.

 

“I fucked up dint I?” Dean said churlishly. 

 

Sam glared at him. “Yeah, you did. I don’t know how much whiskey you had to drink, but I just got in and found you laid out in the kitchen, you were barely breathing. I already called your boss by the way, told him there was a family emergency and that you’d be needed for the next three or four days. He gave an okay by the way.”

 

“Oh, ok, thanks.” 

 

“You’re welcome. Now would you care to tell me what’s going on?” 

 

“Doc dint tell ya?” Dean asked trying to pull some semblance of sobriety out of his ass. “Blood count still up. Want me in for imagin’. I’m scared Sammy, your big brother’s scared.” Dean said as tears spilled freely. 

 

“Oh shit.” Sam said falling into his chair next to the bed. “Are the numbers up seriously?” 

 

“Mus’ be bad ‘nuff wan’s me for imagin’.” Dean slurred. 

 

Sam leaned up and kissed his tears and held his hand while he cried it out of his system. He sat back down working to keep his own tears in check as he sat watch on his brother until Dean cried himself back to sleep. Sam sat there for a moment until he heard the soft snores and then leaned back in his chair letting his tears fall now. As he kept an otherwise silent watch. 

 

Dean was released late the next day after being able to keep liquids and soft foods down. Sam got him settled on the couch. Then he came back into the living room after taking Dean’s laundry through to the back 

 

“I’m going to start supper, how does hamburgers sound?” Sam asked his voice devoid of emotion.

 

“Great!” Dean proclaimed. 

 

There was dead silence other than the sounds of cooking. Dean decided to turn on the television and surfed through a few of the channels and finding nothing turned it off. He finally stood up and walked into the kitchen where Sam was busy at the stove. 

 

“Was there something you wanted?” Sam asked. “All you had to do was give me a yelp.”

 

“What I want is conversation.” Dean said. “You’ve given me this silent treatment for going on the full day.

 

“Dean, I’m still trying to figure out how I feel and your asking me about conversation?”

 

“I’m the one that may…”

 

“or may not” Sam interrupted.

 

“…or may not have cancer again. I figured that gave me a little latitude.” Dean groused.

 

“For a shot yeah. For even two shots, sure. But you killed over two inches in that bottle.”

 

“Didn’t realize you were measuring.” 

 

Sam turned from his skillet to look at Dean, “I didn’t realize I might have to start.”

 

“Okay, I know I fucked up, I drank way too damn much for my own good.” 

 

Sam turned back to the stove and moved the skillet off on a dead eye and went over kneeling in front of Dean. He saw the look in Dean’s eye and gave him a hard look in return. “I came close to losing you again last night.”

 

“You’re making more of this than there was.” Dean said stubbornly.

 

“I’m not making near half the fuss if I were Bobby.” Sam said caustically. 

 

“Point taken.” Dean took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for the over the top bender. I’m just scared shitless.” Dean said his voice shaking. Dean leaned forward now forehead to forehead.

 

“I’m scared for you. And yes my hormones are in overdrive, but we’ll face this together.”

 

“You’re right Samantha, the estrogen is running deep in here.” He said in a hoarse whisper. He let himself be pulled off the seat until he was face to face with Sam who pulled him in a kneeling crouch against him. Dean cried then, the harsh barking sobs of the utterly afraid and truly heartbroken. Sam cried right along with him both of them facing the fear head on and not knowing what they could do about it. At least to Dean’s reasoning when it was the hell hounds that was a semi-physical, semi-tangible presence that could be killed with iron and salt. 

 

They disentangled themselves Dean pulled himself back up on the chair while Sam went back to frying the hamburgers. He’d got that prepared and set the table for the two of them. Dean taking a large glass of water to drink and Sam joining him. 

 

Their sleep that night was fitful with Dean having several nightmares during the course of the evening so that in the morning neither one was that well rested. Still Sam showered and changed made sure stuff was in the fridge for Dean to munch on and then left for work. He called at Lunch and just before he got off work. He told Dean he was bringing in Falafel. One of the few vegetarian dishes that he could get Dean to stomach. Sam came in with a 12 pack of O’Doul’s alcohol free beer. Dean bitched about it a bit but at least he got the taste without the kick.

 

That evening they got out to the car. Drove by the local Publix supermarket and picked up the birthday cake and then went to the hospital. And came in boisterously as they dared. The kids looking up at them and their armloads of items especially the cake box. Little Matt Cowan looked up from his place in the middle of the play area and started to bolt to them when his nurse grabbed him fast so he wouldn’t yank out his IV needle.

 

“Wanna see Unca Dean and Unca Sam!” He protested. 

 

“Hold up there Tiger, we’ll be back there in a moment.” Dean said forcing the humour. But not all that forced. He loved these children. He was still a bit weak though from his ordeal so Sam had to do most of the work setting things up. Jimmy Horton, the birthday boy in question was napping at the time, all the better for them to set up things for. After this was his 6th birthday. Some of the kids were more intuitive than Dean or Sam gave them credit and some of the older ones came up to Dean tugging at him with variants on “Are you alright, Uncle Dean?” He tried to assure then that he was that was when Laurie one of the nine year old girls looked at him plainly and told him. “You’re fibbin.”

 

There was a hush in the little group as if they’d pronounced Santa Claus was dead. Sam stopped what he was doing and came to sit next to Dean. By now Jimmy was awake and rolling over saw all the birthday stuff. 

 

“Who’s birfday?” He asked.

 

“Yours silly.” Tyler said to which Jimmy sprang from his bed and scooted forward to see that indeed the cake was dressed up with Spiderman and had Jimmy in big elementary school letters on the top in red icing. 

 

“But mama and daddy already comed by with my birfday at lunch!” He said.

 

“And who’s to say we can’t bring it by again?” Dean said with a laugh. Then Laurie cleared her little throat the others looked at her perplexed.

 

“Fess up Uncle Dean.” Laurie said.

 

“You’re right, I’m not feeling good. I got some bad news and did a bad thing the other day and I had to stay in hospital a day for it.”

 

“Ah-hmm” Laurie said with a grin. “My daddy does than sometimes and mama gives him the dickens for it.” She said.

 

“How do you know what I did?” Dean asked curious.

 

She walked up and bent over in a whisper to him only. “You went on a tiff didn’t you?” 

 

Dean blushed and nodded. “Our secret.” He said quietly. She nodded. 

 

“But why, Unca Dean…?” Jimmy asked. “My mama gives me time out when I’m bad.” 

 

“Well Unca Sam gave me a time out after he got me home from the hospital.” Then Dean looked at them and shook his head. “Come on kids, this is Jimmy’s party!” He said happily. They took a candle that was shaped like a 6 and lit it.” Jimmy looked at Dean strange for a long moment then he squinched his eyes tight shut and made his wish and blew out the candle. He stood on tip toe to Dean who leaned over. “I gived you my birfday wish.” He told him.

 

“But why would you ever do that?” Dean asked.

 

“Cause you might have cancer agin.” Jimmy said solemnly. Dean look like he’d smacked in the face with a frying pan for a moment. 

 

“I never said.” Dean started.

 

“No but you like us and that’s the only bad news we get.” Jimmy told him. Dean’s eyes filled immediately and he jointly scooped up Jimmy in a big hug, and cursed his funky emotions that were causing the waterworks at the drop of a hat. The other kids hearing that pronouncement all came up and gathered around giving Dean a hug. After several minutes he wiped at his eyes and looked to the rest then to the cake. 

 

“We got a cake to cut!” He said shaking off the sorrow and feeling the comradery of his little friends. Sam said over to the side watching, smiling, and crying with him. The party lasted till after 8:00 when it was bedtime for all of them, the nurses were a bit flexible especially after during a period of time when the kids were playing in the game area Sam took them aside and explained the call about Dean’s blood cell count and the upcoming imaging. 

 

“Probably nothing to worry over. Dietary changes can make the blood count jump like that.” The RN said smartly.

 

“I hope that’s all it is.” It was after 9:30 when all the kids were bedded down for the night with Jimmy giving Dean an extra hug. The party goods were cleaned up and put away. Dean and Sam started towards the parking deck. The deck was deserted of human traffic and motor traffic as well. There was the solitary toc-toc-toc sound that the security guards boots were making on the cement. Dean looked at Sam for a long moment and they pulled into a tight embrace and hug, then into a even more fierce kiss. There was no preamble for it. They walked arm over shoulder to the Impala and got in then got in. Once inside and the doors shut against the cold November winds they proceeded to neck and make out like two starved teenagers. That they were also fogging up the windows an hour later didn’t matter a bit to them.

 

Monday came and Dean called Bob their foreman and explained the situation Bob was only too glad to hear that it wasn’t anything more serious. 

 

“It’s okay man it only gonna shove you maybe two days behind on that Halston job.” 

 

“Thanks Bobby.”

 

“So what’s on the agenda for today? I assume you need today off as well.” 

 

“Yeah the doc wants me in for some more tests.” He explained about the blood count situation only to hear Bob swear in as colourful a quarterdeck language than he’d ever heard come from his father. 

 

They finished breakfast and dressing them drove over to the imaging center for the 10:00 appointment. Once in he made sure to go to the bathroom because once the scanning got started they’d not likely want to take a break until they were done. 

 

He was right. There was no break, the technicians had Dean change into one of the cotton gowns. Then they had him lay on the examination table which immediately slid him into the MRI imaging tube. He fought the urge to panic and closed his eyes listening to some soft music being pumped in over the intercom speaker. Not exactly his taste in music, but this was to relax, even though he relaxed best to Led Zeppilin. The test took long enough for him to dose off into a nap for a bit while the machine did it’s thing. After about two hours the sounds of the unit stopped which woke Dean up and he relaxed as the table he was lying on slid out of the unit. He immediately headed for the small bathroom where once again he was convinced his bladder grew and shrunk with the situation. Then he dressed and grabbed up Sam. 

 

“I’m starved.” Dean told him. 

Say what you will but with Dean Winchester and his health could always be gauged his appetite.


	27. Chapter 27

Three days had passed since the MRI imaging of Dean’s body and Doctor Samuelson had them in for the results. They were sitting in the waiting room with a dozen other patients. Dean’s right leg jumping in time to internal music that was about Mariachi speed, he nearly cleared his chair when the nurse called for him. Sam got up with him and they walked back so that his blood pressure, temperature and blood oxygen levels could be taken. Once that was done they were put into an examination room. Doctor Samuelson came in shortly and sat down opposite them.

 

“Well?” Dean asked nervously.

 

“Okay let’s take this a step at a time okay?” Samuelson said trying to calm his patient. “First that lump in your testicle is a epididymal cyst, totally harmless, next your lymph nodes checked out beautifully, which is what I was most concerned about. Cancer there can spread through the body pretty rapidly. But your nodes all look in excellent condition. The next part was your major organs and I’ll admit I was concerned there as well. Your heart checked out magnificently, so did your lungs, spleen and liver. The stomach looked like a heavy duty football in high gear and I was pleased to see that. Your prostate is clear as well.”

 

“Doc, you skipped the kidneys.” Dean said nervously.

 

“Dean there was a shadow on the left kidney that I want to check out further. There’s no guarantee that it is something to be concerned over but it’s caught my attention.” 

 

Dean trembled a bit on the table and it was NOT from the air conditioner. His nerves were highly on edge at this moment and the news about his kidney was not what he was looking for. He started to speak but had to clear his throat a couple of times.

 

“So what does this mean?”

 

“Just what I said, I’m going to do a targeted MRI and MRA of the kidney in question, I want a detailed look at that kidney. IF it is something to be concerned about there are several ways we can go about targeting this. First is through medication, not chemotherapy specifically but with some medications. IF chemotherapy is indicated that will be down the road quite a bit, the first thing we will do will be to excise the area from the kidney if the area is not significant.”

 

“How will this affect my working situation?” Dean asked.

 

“The overall treatment is tiring, I’ll grant you that, but the end run is that you shouldn’t be impaired from continuing your work through Stage 1. If we get to Stage 2 then you might have to augment your work schedule some, but not significantly. If it gets to Stage 3 then yes, you will have to come off work for a while and you will be on disability. If you haven’t got any may I suggest you immediately start shopping Cancer Insurance policies. You’ll have a problem being a prior condition patient but if you don’t mind the rates, it will help you out in the long run. Now let’s talk about the positive side of this.”

Samuelson took a deep breath and pulled up the image of his abdomen on the computer screen and then zeroed in on the area in question. 

 

“As you can see it’s in shadow and there’s no way to tell from this scan exactly what we’re dealing with.” They looked and did indeed see what could be an anomaly with the kidney or it could be a spot on the scan. They saw the problem he had in making an accurate diagnosis. “I want to rescan that kidney this afternoon. The imaging center can use the open MRI/MRA device to do the tests and I’ll have results by tomorrow, then I can let you know Wednesday what exactly we are dealing with. What I want you not to do is get yourself all worked up that this could be another cancer. Let’s deal with this as we get to it, okay? Can you do that for me?” The doctor asked.

 

Dean nodded numbly. “I ain’t gonna lie doc, this is hitting me like a ton of bricks.”

 

Sam looked at him. “Is taking the Kidney an option?” 

 

“Only if the spot is cancerous and only if it’s spread to a certain point. But let’s not even consider the possibility that it is cancer. For now I’m treating this as a observational shadow. Once we get the scan back this afternoon we’ll know more of what we’re dealing with.” Samuelson rose then and looked at them both. “My next statement is, are there any questions. But I can see this has traumatized you a bit so I’ll give you a chance to digest it. Again, let’s take this a step at a time. Don’t go making this bigger than it is before you have to.” The doctor advised.

 

The rest of the visit consisted of more blood being taken, then a scheduling with the imaging center for the check on that kidney. Then they decided to lunch at a walk up snack place close to the center where Carriggan had his offices. After a heavy chili dog each with all the trimmings they made their way into the clinic to Dr. Carriggan’s office. The waiting room was essentially empty. 

 

It was officially Thanksgiving week, Dean had originally planned a Pre-Game party but now was considering changing his mind until Sam shook him. “We’re not changing…” He realized he was speaking in a conversational tone with an audience and decided to wait until they were back in the office to discuss this further.

 

In the office Dean started again. “It just don’t make sense to go to all that trouble right now.”

 

“That’s precisely the reason WHY we’re going to that trouble.”

 

“Trouble? Did I hear the “T” word pronounced?” Doc Carriggan said entering the room. 

 

Sam looked up at the doc as he walked over and made himself comfortable. “You know the imaging Dean had done earlier in the week.” 

 

Carriggan nodded. “I take it there are complications otherwise the “T” word would not be thrown around like a soccer ball.”

 

“Doc Samuelson says there’s a shadow on my kidney he wants to explore further.” Dean explained.

 

“Okay so there’s a shadow, that could be a fluke of the device. They also do a double check with that just like they do with blood tests to negate the chance of a false positive.” Carriggan explained.

 

“Well Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow and we were going to throw a bowl party, now he doesn’t want to.” Sam said his voice edged.

 

“Dean, you’re concerned you’ll see something on TV that will trip you off aren’t you?”

 

“Doc losing it in front of you or Sammy’s one thing, in front of my work gang, I’d rather be nailed to a sheet of plywood and set on fire.” He said. 

 

“Your friends know about the condition you had with the testicle I take it?” Carriggan asked simply.

 

“Well yeah but what has this to do with that.”

 

“Simple if it gets too much for you leave the room.” Carriggan said.

 

“Oh that’s gonna look real manly.” Dean griped. 

 

“Dean you’ve got to make up your own mind how you want to deal with this but I think personally you’re going about it completely backassed.” Carriggan chided.

 

Dean bristled a bit. “And just how am I going about this backassed?” He asked.

 

Carriggan leant forward in his seat and looked at Dean and only Dean. “You’ve got a shadow that appeared during a major organ scan, you have no idea what it is, but your determined to make this into something it isn’t, and you want to make those around you miserable in the process.”

 

“I do not!” Dean objected.

 

“Really then why are you concerned about having some of your friends over for a party. Just which friends were you planning to have over? “ Carriggan asked.

 

“Bob, Juan, and Thom from my crew, then Dean was going to have Shirley and her girlfriend Lisa along with Kelly and Phil from his job in. We were gonna cookout and just have a good day of it. A smaller party than last time, but you know something different. Especially since we got approved for the loan to get the house.” Dean said.

 

“So you’re definitely gonna buy?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, the market’s right, the payments are better than good, we can do this.” Sam interjected. 

 

“You got a multifaceted fear then, you’re worried about the kidney thing, then you’re upset probably about getting the house, there’s always some fear attached to that, and you’re afraid that you’ll break down in the company of all these people and show them just how big of a coward your aren’t!” Carriggan said forcefully.

 

“Whatdayamean a coward that I aren’t?” Dean said shaking a little with nerves now. 

 

“Dean it takes a helluva lot stronger man to fess up and face his emotional storm head on than it is for you to be consumed. You’re a strong man, if you tear up, your friends will understand why if you talk to them. That’s why they’re your FRIENDS!” Carriggan emphasized.

 

“When do you get rescanned?” Carriggan asked.

 

“At 2:30.” Dean admitted.

 

“So what did you have planned otherwise?” He asked.

 

“We were going insurance shopping after we leave here.” 

 

Carriggan stood and reached into his back pocket extracting his billfold. He opened it and pulled out a card and passed it to Dean.

 

“Go there first, they get a lot of my patients. They’ll probably be able to get a policy to fit your needs.” He then pocketed the billfold and sat down. “Dean, contrary to popular belief it’s okay to feel vulnerable now and then. Besides you might be surprised from the reaction from your friends.” The doc noted.

‘Go on now and take care of the insurance end. It’s better if you’re doing something productive rather than sitting here twiddling your dick listening to me.” He said standing and guiding him to the door. “I want to see you both on Tuesday by then you’ll have the results of the test in and we’ll know what to work with.” 

 

They left in a bit of a rush and went to the insurance agency the questions were normal. The usual data gathering then the interview. Sam and Dean sat together on this and they went through and filled out the necessary paperwork then did the same for some life insurance as well for the both of them. They were told to wait a few minutes while her computer did the work.

 

“Well, you’re in luck, we have 10 companies to choose from that offer some great opportunities.” She said then read off the list giving the pros and cons of each. When she was finished she looked at Dean. “So which one of those sounds good to you?” 

 

“For value for dollar which do you recommend?” Dean asked. 

 

“Providential Insurance Company, they have a good deductible, will meet prior conditions within limits, have good medical and hospitalization coverage. Overall they are the best choice in my book.” She told him.

 

“Let’s do it.” Sam said for Dean. She rattled the keys on her computer and soon a form started shooting out of her laser printer. She gathered the forms in front of her and soon after several signatures and a check later he was covered with insurance. 

 

“I’m surprised it was that easy.” He told her.

 

She looked at him and smiled. “We have a database of over 500 underwriters we can put a portfolio together and submit and like you saw in moments have a list of companies to choose from.” Just then the computer spit out another sheet of paper which she folded, put in an envelope and handed to him. “This is for your doctor. It informs him or his staff that you are now insured and to start submitting paperwork to the insurer for payment. “

 

“Well that was painless.” He noted as they left, protected by insurance for the first time in their adult lives.”

“It’s kind of scary too. You know how dad always went on about insurance companies.” Sam started.

 

“I need the coverage; I don’t want to blow the entire lottery winnings on paying my medical bills.” Dean snorted.

 

They went back to the imaging clinic where Dean was again decked out in cotton gown and made to lay flat, to get on his side, and finally his stomach, so that they could get views from every possible angle. Then after a half hour they were through and Dean was permitted to get dressed. 

 

The rest of the day was spent in getting food and snacks for the party along with helping Juan set up his ‘baby’ grill. He sniffed as he unloaded it. It was only 4 feet of grill length versus the 8 foot length of the big party grill. He sniffed to at the idea just doing hamburgers and brats. There would be some wings grilled as well he decided, along with a few extra treats. 

 

Bowl day went off with a blast with friends arriving early to help and set up things. The day was absolutely gorgeous, snow on the ground, but a fine clear sky to keep the day. Things were going superbly well, there was no potholes in the road and Dean was sure he’d be able to make it through the party intact. There only came one pothole when Juan’s brother Ruiz who’d come to help with the grilling asked how Dean was cranking. Juan warned him off the topic but Dean insisted on answering.

 

“I’m doing great, a lot better than I deserve to.” He said with a laugh. 

 

“Heh! No offence mano, but if I was left with one ball I’d be one pissed off motherfucker.”

 

“Better than none at all.” Dean told him coldly and then went back into the house. He could hear Juan cracking on him in Spanish from the kitchen and just from what he’d learned from Juan at the job site, he was calling Ruiz names he was glad that Maria was in the kitchen chopping the fixings for guacamole. 

 

It was a rousing day and one that was well fed and watered throughout the day. It was for Dean truly a day of thanks-giving. He gave a short after dinner speech and then let them party. 

 

The sum of his speech was, “Guys, and ladies, thanks so much for coming over, this is a special day for us as we are celebrating in what will soon be our house! As a result this is one hell of a prehousewarming party. I’m not going to go all Norman Rockwell on us I just wanted to say how great it is to have friends around right now.” He concluded then Bob stood up.

 

“Un uh, you don’t get off that easy, you were building up to tell us something and now you’re backing down.”

 

“Dean may, this is a big MAY , have a spot on one of his kidney’s. We found out about it earlier this week.” Sam said breaking the news that Dean was reticent to break. They gave Dean a look and Rachel one half of couple looked hard at Dean. 

 

“You should of told us man, we ain’t pussies about this stuff. You need to partay right now and let’s make this place rock!” She said cranking up the stereo. The running over to give Dean a hug, he leaned into her neck. 

 

“Thank’s Rachel. I just didn’t have the balls to talk about it right now.” He said his eyes tearing up which he tried to fight and then angrily wiped the tears away. 

 

“Lisa, Maria, huddle time.” Rachel called and in moments Dean disappeared into the master suite while the party rocked on. Sam was totally clueless until several minutes later Lisa came out and walked over to Sam.

 

“Get in there with your bitch, he needs you right now.” She said stubbornly. Sam nodded and walked over to find Rachel and Maria huddled over a fetal curled up lover, he slid into bed behind him and pulled him tight. This just made the sobs that much harder.

 

“He’s scared Paco, your baby needs some loving right now, he need attention. Come on Rachel, I’ll show you how to make salsa!” She said grabbing the other woman by the arm and pulling her out pulling the door closed behind him.

 

After a few minutes there was a tap at the door and it opened. Bob came in alone and shut the door. Dean bravely tried to pull himself together. The last thing he wanted was to be seen this weak in front of his boss.

 

Bob walked over as Dean sat up trying to “man up” in his lexicon. “Dude, you do what you need to, we got through the ball issue fine, we’ll get through this. You’re worrying about a shadow, damn, it could be anything. Don’t make it worse than it is. You’ve brought Juan along really good about doing the interior work. So he can take over on days you can’t make it.”

 

“But I thought.” Dean started.

 

“That I’d can your ass over this? That’s bullshit on a shingle and you know it. You’re too good a goddamn worker for me to shitcan. At least you show up on time. And you’re ALWAYS ready to pitch in on a project, so just chill the fuck out. Cry if you gotta, it’s cool.” 

 

“I feel iike such a wuss.” Dean said tears flowing unchecked.

 

“A wuss with a great ass. Now get it in gear and get to partying and stop the worrying when you don’t have anything to worry about.” Bob said in a no-nonsense tone. 

 

Dean wiped his face with the corner of the sheet and nodded. Sam was right there with him as they walked back out into the party. There was laughing and playful jabs, the game came on and they were suddenly huddled around the 48” screen that they’d splurged on early on. 

 

Dean permitted himself one beer that day then it was O’Douls for the rest of the party. They did have a visit from the cops about the noise which they cranked back and it was Dean who answered the door. The cops looked pleasant enough, just like parents telling their kids to cut back the stereo. 

 

“I’m sorry about that officer, we’ll take care of that right away. Hey want a Brat, we got plenty on the grill.” Dean offered.

 

There was a polite refusal until Maria came in and in her dynamic way started huddling the officers to the kitchen where they left with bratwurst burritos. 

 

The clean up was a breeze with most of the folk staying behind to bag up trash and clean up areas that needed it. Dean and Sam thanked them profusely. 

 

They slept well that night and woke the next day with Dean helping Sam nurse a hangover, a little too much tequila. The ironic thing was that after his near death experience with liquor Dean stayed hell and gone from the table where folk were adding shots to coke or sprite. 

 

After a tenuous breakfast they settled for just relaxing with each other for the day with Sam wanting to snuggle up to Dean. Taking pity with the infamous puppy dog eyes Dean gave in and was happily nearly napping when his phone rang. It was Samuelson’s office phone.

 

“Hey, I figured you’d be taking a long weekend.”

 

“Got the results in and we need to talk options.”

 

“Then it is cancer? It’s a spot about the size half of a dime. Minute really, but it’s something we need to look into treating immediately. I’m grading this Stage 1 for its size and from what we saw in the scans the depth of the spot. Dean, I’d rather be discussing this in person.” He hinted strongly.

 

“We’ll be there as quick as we can.” Dean said hanging up his phone and shaking Sam out of his napping stupor. “Wake up princess we got to go to Samuelson’s office.”

 

“Oh shit.” Sam said coming full awake now. He grabbed the keys to the Impala off the table and they started heading for the back door when Dean caught his arm. 

 

“Keys.” He ordered.

 

“I can drive us.” Sam argued weakly.

 

“Dude you’re hung the fuck over, so get over it and give me the damn keys.” Sam submitted to Dean’s hardass opinion. In minutes they were on the highway and in fewer minutes they were at the doctor’s office. 

 

In the office, Samuelson repeated what he said to Dean, then showed him the image. “This is your kidney actual size. Kinda of small aren’t they? I gotta say up front that for all the hard living you’ve been doing your kidney’s are in great shape. So let’s get to the situation. There are numerous drugs I can use to treat this IF it malignant. We’re going to step two, I’ve went ahead to the angst of my staff I know and scheduled you for a biopsy to be taken next Wednesday morning. I should know something by the afternoon as to what we’re looking at. But I felt it of major importance to let you know that yes there is a spot, but NO we do not know if it is malignant or not. This is a Stage 1 cell. The biopsy will be done on an outpatient basis and you shouldn’t have any lingering effects from it. So yes you can go back to work.

Now questions?”

 

“Doc, what can I do to not give this a medium to grow in for now?” Dean asked cautiously.

 

“Cut back on the alcohol and red meats for starters, their enzymes activate kidney function pretty readily.”

 

“You mentioned treatment options. If this is a malignancy what do we do?”

 

“Surgery is my first option, to take the spot before it spreads.” 

 

“The success rate for that option?” Dean asked.

 

“Dean this isn’t a casino, I’m sorry but I will tell you that odds are a lot better with a nephron-sparing surgery.” Samuelson said honestly.

 

“Let’s do it.” Dean said flatly. 

 

“You seem set on this.” Samuelson said.

 

“Doc, I got a spot in my body that’s not supposed to be there. Get it out and gone please.” Dean asked quietly.

 

“You’ve been awfully quiet through this Sam what is your opinion?”

 

“First this is Dean’s body we’re talking about, second, he wants it gone, then I want it gone. He health and well being are paramount to me right now.” 

 

“Okay, we do this then, let reset the biopsy to full scale nephron-sparing, that way we get the whole thing. It’ll mean a hospital stay for a couple of days, but you should be just fine.” Samuelson said reassuringly.

 

“Okay.” Was all Dean could say and Sam saw that he was in a state of slight shock.

 

“Dean, will you be okay?” Samuelson asked.

 

“Yeah, I’ll make myself be okay.” He said with some venom.

 

“I’ll give you a call when we get this scheduled.” Samuelson said looking at Dean with some doubt. Dean picked up on a little bit of it and reconciled himself to the fact that once again he was at the mercy of the doctors to get rid of a part of his body that was seriously damaged. “I know that look Dean, I’m not a psych, don’t get paid enough to do that work, but I can advise you this talk to Julian, get this shit out in the open with him, he CAN help you deal with it if you let him. Okay, you’ll be hearing from us soon.” Samuelson promised.


	28. Chapter 28

Monday after Thanksgiving was when Dr. Samuelson’s office called with the date, December 5th, Dean swallowed at the time given him by the nurse over the telephone.

 

“They’re not wasting any time with this are they?” Dean quipped.

 

“Not this time, the doc wants to get at this as quick as possible.” The nurse answered.

 

“Okay then next Monday it is.”

 

“Actually you are to check in on Sunday, because he wanted to do the surgery at 6:00.”

 

“6:00! No sane person is doing work at that hour.”

 

“Dr. Samuelson is.” The nurse answered his good banter.

 

“Like I said, no sane person.” Dean retorted and they both had a chuckle over that. “Okay we check in Sunday the 4th.” Dean agreed.

 

“Thank you Dean.” She said with a smile actually projecting in her voice. 

 

“Bye.” Dean said and hung up.

 

Sam was just coming in from out of the bedroom, that was early for the Doc’s office to be calling.” He mentioned.

 

“Next Monday at 6:00 is when they’re going to start cutting.” Dean said.

 

“Holy shit, they are kidding around this time.” Sam exclaimed. “Which means you’ll have to check in Sunday. We got the kids Sunday night.” 

 

“Yeah I thought about that and actually that will help me.” Dean looked at Sam for a moment the blinked, shamefully, “Yeah I know I’m using the kids to supplement my lagging confidence, but…”

 

“We’re a team we all pull for each other and yes I think you need to be there to talk to the kids, because they’re going to worry if I show up alone on Monday night.”

 

Dean nodded, together they got ready for the day and took time in the goodbyes, as much time as could be allowed. They were a much more grasping, cuddling, snuggling couple these last few months, graduating from the occasional snuggle at home to full blown cuddle or snuggling sessions for no reason at all. Or when they’d have friends over, usually couples, they would sit one on the sofa and one on the love seat in a arm over shoulder snuggle. The affectionate nature at first puzzled him then delighted him. He’d always been the ‘girl’ in their relationship but finally Dean was letting some of his fortress walls come down. With the advent of the cancer he’d been working, unsuccessfully at rebuilding the tacit walls back, but something kept him from succeeding. 

 

Dean called him at his lunch hour to see if Sam was at lunch as well, sometimes they coordinated on their schedules and Dean would drive hell for leather from his job site to the little health food store and restaurant just to be with Sam for Lunch. Bob thought he was crazy then found out real quick that he was, though he’d be loathe to admit, head over heels gone for Sam. 

 

They slept well that night knowing that sunrise would bring them their off day together when they would do a myriad of things, usually and primarily it was set up as their counseling day with Dr Carriggan. That was something else Bob couldn’t fault, nor could Sam’s boss Rachel. The support system that Dr. Carriggan insisted on them building was supportive much, but also comforting. One would think the two would go hand in hand but that was not the way of things with this couple. For a lot of their friends they were a public source of amusement but a private source of admiration. 

 

They’d spent an hour and a half before actually falling asleep that night making love. Not fucking in the traditional sense of the work. Yes the act of copulation came in there, but they made love. They took their time with each other loving every moment of the act, and relishing each moment strongly. They rose to some fantastic emotional and spiritual heights on nights like that and it bled over into the next morning when they would lie abed for an hour at least, hugging, kissing, sometime engaging in a blowjob but most often than not just a gentle awakening ritual. 

 

When they arrived at Dr. Carriggan’s office they were floating merrily along, without a care in the world. Even the upcoming surgery was not that important to them although they inevitably knew that would be spoken of the almost seemed to float into the consulting room. Dr. Carriggan was already in there and he could see this was a good day. 

 

“Enjoying the day?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean snapped back to the present tried to quickly erect those barriers and gave up. He smiled and shrugged. “It’s been a good day.”

 

“Sam?” 

 

“It has been an excellent day.” He said quickly.

 

“Which means it was a dynamic night, good, glad to see you getting back into some old habits. Just remember what old Virginia doctor said to a man who was have sex 5 times a day every day. “Ye can’t wear it out so stop trying.”” That got a laugh all of them. 

 

“How are you and alcohol doing right now Dean?” Carriggan asked as he’d been called in the night Dean was brought into the Emergency Room with alcohol poisoning. 

 

“Can’t stand the smell of tequila right now. Blended whiskey’s alright to have a taste of but much more than that turns my stomach. I can drink a beer now and then but mostly I’m drink the fake shit.”

 

“Dean why don’t you try an ale or a stout, they’re a bit stronger, but more malt will help ease your digestive system.” Carriggan suggested.

 

“I could I just don’t know what to go with, I like Guinness Draught in the cans, but it’s so damned expensive.”

“I didn’t realize you were paupers again.” Carriggan noted with humour.

 

Sam stepped in and grabbed Dean’s hand in a now familiar and to Dean a comforting gesture. “Don’t worry about me, I’m stopping at the liquor store on the way home and lay in some of the Draught Guinness and some Mead for me. I got a taste of that over the weekend from Lisa, damn that some good stuff.”

 

“You might try that as well Dean. It’s a little more potent than wine, but it’s made from honey. It should hit your system agreeably.” Carriggan said.

 

“We’re going to see the kids tonight and give them the news as well.” Dean said.

 

Carriggan shifted in his seat. “Are you certain that’s a good idea?” He asked Dean.

 

“They’ve been on my case to be upfront with them. They’re dealing with cancer head on most of them, there are a few that are having some problems and we spend extra time with them. Then there’s a one that came on the ward last night that’s an unusual case. She’s Tish Buttram and her father Paul is in another ward with Kaposi Sarcoma from AIDS. They are a young African American family who just had the bad luck of a daughter who contracted Lukemia and a father who contracted AIDS through a blood infusion he got after some serious surgery a few months ago.” Sam explained. Then he sat back and was looking thoughtful for a long moment. 

 

Dean took up the tale after a moment, “We have the usual crew and they all like a good ghost story to go to bed on at night and the strange thing the scarier the story the better they sleep.”

 

Carriggan laughed. “I’m not laughing at what you’re doing, well maybe in a way I am, you got a bunch of kids all facing cancer, they are sort of taught about what it can do but most see it for what it is, a monster that they may or may not defeat. You give them hope through the stories you tell that even bad monsters can be beaten.” The Carriggan looked knowingly at them. “There’s more isn’t there?”

 

“It’s coming up on Christmas, and we let outselves get real close to Kyle.”

 

“You’re wondering what you’d do if another of your kids goes stage 2 during Christmas?”

 

“It’s something to consider. “ Dean said quietly. 

 

“Dean, there are a million platitudes I could give you right now that would fit the situation and you’d not appreciate any of them because they would sound canned. It’s a plain fact of life that cancer patients who have an active tumor, not someone like you who has a spot, not even confirmed, these patients live productive lives. But they live short lives. That’s something you’re going to work your head around. I’ll be here to help you in this, and I’ll work with you on this, but you’ve got to work with me as well.” Carriggan noted.

 

Dean sat back and flinched in surprise as Sam reached over and took his hand which he gladly let be taken for the moment. 

 

“I’m glad to see this level of intimacy between you two blossom the way it has. Oh don’t look that way Dean, it’s true and you know it. You two have come long strides from when you started.” Carriggan complimented. “Which begs the question. Are you ready for Monday?”

 

Dean actually smiled at this. “We’ve been discussing that and yeah I gotta agree, I’ve been mother henning the shit out of that.”

 

“Seems to me that it was more than just a talk with just the two of you.” Carriggan said narrowly.

 

“Well yesterday an old friend of the family called, she’s a wonderful psychic and a very dear friend. And she spent 15 minutes giving Dean the dickens for not calling her to talk about this before now.” Sam said while Dean looked away trying pretend he was deaf for the moment. 

 

“She jumped into his face then?” Carriggan asked.

 

“She verbally spanked his ass, and not in a good way, for the better part of that 15 minutes. Missouri is one thing and that is she is thorough.” Sam said with a laugh.

 

“I now have two assholes thank you so much.” Dean said with a rueful grin. 

 

“Hey you were the one getting your panties in a twist over this situation. The doc said to wait and see what the lab says about the spot them we go from there. No need in building nightmares out of sand.” Sam told him.

 

Carriggan laughed, “Maybe you should be the one sitting in my seat.” He told him.

 

Sam shook his head, “God created people to be certain things, but for me to be able to sit there day in and day out listened to and advising people on their problems, oh hell no.” 

 

“Dean, did Dr. Samuelson explain what he was going to do?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yep, in layman’s terms yet. So yeah I know kinda what to expect.” Dean said.

 

“You get to go see the kiddies tonight?” Carriggan asked him.

 

Dean nodded, “We don’t have a special treat to take them but we’re hoping just visiting with them will be enough for this time.”

 

Carriggan nodded and then stood. “You boys got enough on your plates for today, you don’t seem to have a problem which we need to cover immediately unless you’ve been holding out on me.”

 

“It’s Sam.” Dean said. “He’s convinced that if they have to take a kidney, he can donate one of his.” Dean said slightly distraught.

 

“Sam, that’s a noble thing but they have operative lists to choose from and truth be told, as healthy as your brother is there’s no reason in the world he couldn’t exist on one kidney.” Carriggan said to Dean’s firm nodded.

 

“I know, I just feel I should be doing more.” Sam said.

 

“Take care of the kids on the ward for me. That’s thanks enough.” Dean responded.

 

Carriggan wandered over and leaned against his credenza and looked at them. “You are a wonderfully complex pair. You love each other without reservation, there is nothing the other could do which could shake your faith…”

 

“Now…” Dean said with a grin.

 

“Okay, Now.” Carriggan continued, “But when it comes to complex decisions you’re reaching for the minutae instead of grasping the bull by the horns. Tackle this problem head on, you’ll both be the better for it. And I’ll be there each step of the way with you. I may not be there in body, but mentally, spiritually I will be right at your side.” 

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean said.

 

“Yeah thanks much.” Sam said as they got up and headed for the door.

 

“Let’s plan on three weeks for our next session, that will give you time to have the procedure and recuperate. And remember if you need me I’m a phone call away.” The doctor said smiling.

 

They walked out of the office building into the crisp December air that permeated the area, their feet crunching through a bed of snow. Dean turned around and looked at Sam. “I’ll be fine I swear.” 

 

“My mind says, Yeah I know, my heart is saying, don’t stray too far. Dean, I’m not leaving your side for this, I promise.” Sam vowed.

 

“I know.” Dean replied and in a rare gesture leaned into a hug then a kiss right in the middle of the parking lot. They parted and Sam grinned.

 

“Race ya home.” He said.

 

“Dummy, remember who has the keys to the Impala.” Dean told him.


	29. Chapter 29

  
Author's notes: Fair Warning, this is kind of a long chapter but it's rich in my opinion, a story within itself. Please enjoy.  
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* * *

The three weeks flew by fast but not fast enough to suit Dean. The Sunday of the first week he was admitted to the hospital for his surgery on Monday morning. It took the check in with as good of a bit of grace as he could muster which is to say he was at least polite to the underling that had assigned to deal with assholes like him.

 

“Dean, do you realize that if you would just get your ass off your shoulders you’d walk better?” Sam asked of him. His reply was a dirty look before he toned his attitude back and was civil. He presented all the insurance paperwork and got that out of the way to begin with. 

 

Two hours later he was in a room, 365, that actually had a nice view of the cityscape. He could actually see not only buildings but the landscape beyond. So all told it wasn’t as bad as he feared at least for that part. Dr. Samuelson came around around 6:00 and pleased to see him in a room he started out with a usual chat.

 

“Look Dean, I know you don’t want to be here, we’d rather you not be here, we’d rather that kidney be 100% good, but there’s at least 1% of that which is questionable. I’m going to have you sedated at 5:00 tomorrow so I can start promptly at 6:00, I want this done and the discomfort over with as soon as possible. And by the way, do not watch the hospital’s surgery education channel , it’s supposed to be educative but we find it more detrimental. I’m going to be making a small incision to do this with so we won’t have to give you a massive sliced open scar to match the rest you have. Any questions?”

 

“Yeah Doc.” Dean started “If you get in there and this things got roots going on what will you have to do?”

 

“Good question.” Samuelson said approvingly. “What I have done is I have gone over the MRI/MRA that was done of your kidney the other day. There are no roots showing at all, this is a disc shaped abnormality that I’m going after. To be on the safe side we will be excising a few millimeters of healthy tissue around the actual tumor to be sure the get it all. We will patch you back up by closing then send the tumor off to the lab for examination. You’ll be in hospital for at least a day to get over the anesthesia then you can return to work immediately. There’s no reason to think this will cause problems. However, you will go back to work with a lifting limit.” Samuelson paused seeing that his words were sinking into memory and would be followed. “For the first 10 days I don’t want you lifting anything over 25 pounds. I know that sounds like a little weight and it is, but we also don’t want to tear stitches from you stretching. Which also brings to mind another part of my summation which you’re going to give me a dirty look over so go ahead and get it on your face.”

 

“Doc there’s not much I would give YOU a dirty look over.” Dean said, but Sam grinned.

 

“Well then are you and Sam adventurous in bed?” Samuelson asked. Both brothers blushed at that, Sam more than Dean.

 

“We’ve been known to experiment with some interesting ploys.” Sam answered tactfully.

 

“Fair enough.” Samuelson started. “You won’t be doing that for about 2 weeks. I’m serious on this, don’t try to push the window.”

 

“How long will it take the lab to process the results?” Sam asked.

 

“Usually 7 to 10 days, but I’m going to get a bit of a rush put on this so we’ll know by Thursday what we’re looking at, okay?” Samuelson asked.

 

Dean and Sam traded a look and nodded. “Dean I’m know you’re on Xanax for anxiety , I’m going to up that dose for tonight only. So instead of one tablet at bedtime you’re going to have two. Sam I assume you’ll be staying the night with him?”

 

“Definitely.” Was the answer.

 

“Good, keep him relaxed, whatever it takes.” The doc replied. “I’ll let the nurses know your room is off limits until 5:00am. This ain’t a motel so don’t try acrobatics. But yes, if you can tolerate him in the same bed as you give in.” The doc explained.

 

Sam nodded and Samuelson happy with his results no more questions left for the evening. Dean and Sam shared a look. Dean Scooted over in the bed and made room for Sam. Sam took the hint even though it was early in the evening for him. Dean needed some comfort for what was to come. So Sam, uncomplaining toed off his shoes and slipped into bed next to him almost spooning him. Dean communicated right now through touch as he grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled it across his chest in a near death grip.”

 

The only disturbance in the evening was Sam having to get up to get Dean’s medicine from his jacket pocket and give him the requisite two Xanax. Sam sat down on the side of the bed facing Dean.

 

“It’s going to be all right you know.” Sam stated.

 

“Oh so now you’re psychic powers extend to preemptive situations?” Dean asked sarcastically. 

 

“I don’t know but whatever the outcome we’ll deal with it and I promise you I will never ever leave your side again. We’re a team and we’ll stay that way.”

 

“I know, I just can’t help being, you know, a little scared.” Dean said anxiously.

 

“I understand, I’m scared for you. I wish we could get Castiel to help but he hasn’t popped in all the times I’ve called him.”

 

“Because Castiel is busy with other matters right now.” A melodious voice said. Suddenly there was the smell of herbs, and earth and growing things in the room. They turned and saw Joshua standing there with a small clay pot with a flowering herb growing in profusion. He placed it in the table next to the head of the bed. “It’s ironic that something that will kill a werewolf has such beauty and smells so nice.”

 

“Wolfsbane?” Dean asked. “I thought that stuff was damn near extinct. We have some dried samples, but … damn!” 

 

“Yes Wolfsbane. Beautiful isn’t it? But that’s only part of why I’m here. The other part is to assure you that God’s eye is on you; well the eyes of certain of His angels are certainly on you. You’re not meant to die but to learn.” 

“That was the gambit on the last cancer I had, you’re telling me this is malignant too?” Dean said strangled. Joshua laid his hand on Dean’s arm and he relaxed and even had a little smile. Soon he was snoring softly. Joshua took Sam by the arm and led him the other side of the room. 

 

“He’ll sleep through anything we say.” Joshua assured him.

 

“Then I’ll repeat the question, is this malignant too?” Sam asked. 

 

Joshua gave him a sorrowing look and shook his head, “Dean’s fate is in the hands of some angels of the Lord, I’m one of them,” He took a long breath and looked back at Sam. “I truly do not know, the Lord may make it benign if he feels that Dean has learned sufficiently, or malignant if he has a ways to go yet.”

 

“A crap shoot in other words. I’m sitting here worrying my fucking ass off about this, Dean’s in near fits over the anxiety of this and the best you can give me is that it’s basically a toss of the coin.” Sam looked at Joshua with angry tears in his eyes. “Why can’t God’s attention focus on someone else for a while and leave us along. We’re not hurting anyone, what we are doing with the kids in the cancer center seems to be helping them. Why?” He blurted as the tears spilled down his cheeks, he quickly wiped at them only to have them replaced by a new spate of tears.

 

“Sam I KNOW it seems like a lot that is being asked of you and Dean, but God is asking the same of several of his special children down here. It’s in preparation.”

 

“For what Armageddon? We already been down that road.”

 

“You are being prepared to be endowed if you prove true.” Joshua told him.

 

“Endowed? What the bloody FUCK are you talking about!!” Sam said his nerves strained to their limit.

 

“You’ll find out soon enough my child for now rest, go curl up with your brother he needs you right now.” Joshua told him. Sam turned and seemingly forgot that Joshua was in the room and walked over to the bed and crawled in next to Dean, they held each other tightly and slept. 

 

“You know they are going to massively resent your tampering with their minds like this?” Castiel said appearing at his shoulder.

 

“Don’t you have someplace to be?” Joshua said firmly.

 

“Joshua, with Raphael out of the picture at the moment I’m the leading angel in the command. I will be where I am needed.” Castiel said firmly.

 

“Your pride will be your downfall Castiel, I’m telling you now to rein it in.” 

 

“I will consider that. What of Dean, a touch will heal him.”Castiel said starting forward. 

 

“Someone doesn’t want you doing that!” Joshua said.

 

“We must talk further.” Castiel said disappearing with Joshua following.

Sam and Dean slept peacefully until at 5:00 the team of nurses came in to prep Dean for anesthesia. Sam groggily crawled out of bed, then remembered the previous evening and became silently furious. He saw the same look on Dean’s face as he woke. Then they schooled their tempers away to concentrate on just them while the nurse hooked Dean to a butterfly needle. Sam kissed him fondly and deeply.

 

“I love you too.” Dean said as they rolled him out of the room. It was about two hours later that the doctor came into the room and sat down across from Sam. He was in a fresh set of scrubs and ready for his next patient of the day. “The surgery went real good, did just what I said, got the tumor and some surrounding tissue to be safe. Dean will in recovery for probably an hour then we’ll bring him back here. But did real good for us and the surgery was clean as a whistle.” The doctor said with a grin. “I don’t usually do surgery, but something told me this case was special. I’ll see you this evening.”

 

“Thanks doc, thanks so much!” Sam said gladly. Then he was gone and it was Sam alone with his thoughts now. “Castiel please, if you can hear me, please come.”

 

“I’m sorry Sam, I’ve been neglectful and well I’m very sorry for that.”

 

“No Castiel, you don’t need to apologize, there was a time we was ringing your chain nearly daily. I’d get tired of us too.” Sam said, then “Although you can tell Joshua I do not appreciate being knocked out last night, and neither does Dean.”

 

“You both would have been restless for hours. Its best if this happened. You may hate us for it now, but soon enough you’ll thank us for meddling like that.” Castiel said with a ghost of a smile. 

 

“Perhaps, the doc said Dean’s surgery went well.” 

 

“It did I was watching over him during the event.” Castiel said quietly.

 

“Thanks. But the $64 question is why we are being played with like this. What did we do to deserve this kind of attention?”

 

“Let’s see, YOU became a demon blood junkie, Dean jump-started the apocalypse, You opened Lucifer’s cage and released him, granted you were able to put him back in at the near cost of your life. Then we still had to resoul you. Then I went off the deep end myself and became a megalomaniac, thank you again for bringing me back from that. I can never thank you enough. But that’s a small list of what you’ve done shall I go on.” Castiel look as embarrassed as he had ever seen that angel look. After what I did, that year, I am humbled that you will still even call upon me.”

 

“Cas, you’re a friend, hell your family, you’re as close as blood to us. Yeah we were pissed when you fucked us over,” Castiel winced visibly, “but we did what families do, we did what Jesus commanded and we forgave you this. All of it. We’ll carry the scars, but we learned something during that year as well. But what I need to know is what is left for Dean to learn?”

 

“Sam I could say but it would reveal part of a plan God has been long in the making and I doubt he would be best pleased with me for doing that. I will relate this; you and Dean learned to deal with a death like this in a child, now you will be exposed to something more heinous and deadly, and something which unfortunately part of the world you embrace.”

 

“You’re talking about AIDS aren’t you?” Sam said quietly. “We’re going to have to see the results to this horror.”

 

“Sadly, yes.” Castiel told him. “I must go now, Dean will be returning soon and when he wakes he may be a touch angry with us. Please calm him for me.” Sam stood and faced the angel then embraced him in a hug. 

 

“ Cas you’ve done some really fucked up shit recently, but you were doing it with what you perceived was good intentions. We have been through the wringer man. Still we love you, we forgive you, forgetting the events, that’s going to take longer.” Sam said holding the angel for a moment feeling him tentatively returning the hug then relaxing into it. After a long moment they parted, Castiel with wet cheeks. Then in a flutter of wings he was gone. Sam groaned at the thought of what was to come and collapsed into a chair. The door clattered open catching Sam’s attention and as he looked up he saw it was Bobby. A more welcomed site he couldn’t imagine. He jumped from his seat took a couple of strides to reach the man and pulled him into a hug.

 

“Missed you too boy, but this is more than just missing each other isn’t it?” 

 

Sam nodded against Bobby’s weathered neck sniffling.

 

“Hey wait a minute, easy on kiddo, what’s wrong?”

 

“First things first.” Sam said pulling back and wiping his cheeks. “How’d you know where to find us.”

 

“Came in last night, was going to visit you boys a couple of days since I just got through a hunt with Stewart Johnson over in North Dakota. When I didn’t find you at home I hung around for a bit then took off to a Wal-mart, parked and started calling hospitals just in case. That’s how I found you here. But it was like 2:00 in the morning so I did some fact checking and found out that Dean was supposed to have surgery this morning. So something’s going on and from the sound of it it’s not good. Come on.” Bobby said heading for the door. 

 

“I can’t leave they might be back with Dean any moment.”

 

“And he’ll be sore or asleep, or cranky or all of the above knowing that drama queen. Let’s go get some coffee and come back to the room. The nurse’s station lets you snag a cup from them won’t they?” Bobby asked.

 

“Yeah, they’re nice that way.” Sam said. They got their coffee and got back to the room. That was when Sam explained everything, the testicular cancer, the interference from the angels or noninterference as it as it turned out. Then he explained about their work with the kids and finally this spot on his kidney.” When he was through he was also through most of a box of tissues that was in the room as well. 

 

“Goddamn it Bobby, I can’t stop blubbering about all this and I gotta be strong for Dean.” Sam said managing to get hold of his emotions. Then he looked at Bobby wiping his cheeks. “What would you do?”

 

“What you’re doing right now. Well probably not the same way, I’ve never been much for crying, but I damn sure would be finding a way to vent my system.”

 

“Thanks for putting up with me venting mine.” Sam said gloomily.

 

“Hell you were your mama made over in a man. A ton of guts, brains, and quick responses, also a planner. Mary could plan a mission that would put me to shame, but then she came up with Samuel teaching her, and he got it from his pap and on the way back. But when Mary got frustrated look out, she’d start throwing things, or she’d break down and cry for hours on end it would seem like.”

 

Sam smiled a little now. “That’s the first talk I’ve heard about mom other than what little Dean has been able to tell me. And what very little Dad would’ve talked about. Of course he and I were butting head so often, it’s a wonder I made a hunter at all.”

 

“Dean will be in shortly from recovery; this was just some routine stuff they are doing?”

 

“They look a spot off his kidney.” Sam said.

 

“Oookkay a little more than routine stuff, still is it MAJOR surgery?” Bobby asked.

 

“Keyhole surgery from the way that they explained it to me.” Sam replied. “He’ll have a incision on his back and then a small patch over that.

 

It was over an hour, but Dean arrived back to the room still connected to his IV tree, but thankfully on the regular surgical bag was hung, nothing else. They sat in silence as they got Dean in what would be an eventually comfortable position. He was wearing a hospital gown. Sam and Bobby walked around the bed as Sam lifted the gown and saw that the surgical site was covered in layers of gauze held in place with surgical tape. 

 

“Better view is around here.” They heard a sleepy groggy voice say. Sam carefully rearranged the gown and he and Bobby walked around the bed.

 

“Hey tiger.” Bobby said getting into view.

 

“Bobby!?” Dean said with distress.

 

“Calm down or they’ll kick me outta here. I’ll explain it all later, for now I’m here.” He said stubbornly.

 

“Glad you are, hey Sammy, how your hanging bro?” He asked in a tired whisper.

 

“Glad you’re back here in the room.” Sam said smiling. Dean squinted.

 

“You been cryin’ what’s up?” Dean asked thickly.

 

“I’ll tell you after a nap, you need to rest, you don’t need my girliness boring you shitless.” He said with a laugh.

 

“Bull-Bullshit.” Dean said yawning. Sam bent down and kissed him as Dean slept.

It was another two hours before Dean woke, thirsty and hungry. He was able to get some water down and keep it down, an hour later the nurses brought him in a sandwich. Afterward he looked at Sam and Bobby with more clarity and much more awake. 

 

Sam explained about Castiel’s visit to the room and their chat. That was when Dean started to get a violent edge to his voice. “We just dealt with losing Kyle, plus a couple of others from the ward, now they want us to work a definite death case?”

 

“The particulars was given to me, I think they want to wait until you’re conscious.” Sam said. Then Bobby looked askance and Sam explained in detail about Kyle and how he’d affected their lives. There was a pause in the conversation and Dean couldn’t stand it any longer.

 

“Castiel, Get your skinny ass down here and explain just what the fuck is going on!” Dean said fiercely. 

 

“A simple ‘Castiel’ would’ve sufficed. Bobby, it’s good to see you again.”

 

“I’ll reserve judgment on that; the jury is still out after your little rampage.” Bobby griped.

 

“Fair enough.” Then Castiel looked at Dean and Sam. “There’s a patient in the cancer wing, too old to be in the Pediatric Cancer Center you’re working in right now. This young man, we’re talking 16 here, has Kaposi Sarcoma as a result of getting full blown AIDS. His mother was HIV positive and he was born with it in his blood stream. He was on medications until he turned 12 when it went into full blown AIDS. He does have a sexual partner who is the same age, the two families determined they were consenting, and both are HIV positive, Terrance from birth his partner Keith from an accident a year ago. Terrance is going to be your problem child, he was just diagnosed with cancer, he’s bitter and the only person who can get near him with some civility is Keith and his parents. Terrance is a middle child, the two sisters have basically written him off. Keith is an only child.” Castiel sat back from his explanation and looked at them. “Now you see why I’m calling on you two or rather why my superiors are calling on you two. You are a gay couple, with one partner who has already been scared twice by cancer. Once positive, this time maybe.”

 

“And suppose I refuse this case?” Dean asked his eyes cold flint.

 

“Then the boy will be turned over to hospital administration. He’s already being seen by a staff psychologist, they are unable to penetrate at the moment. It is thought you might be able to reach out and assist where they cannot.”

 

“Why not do a “Touched by an Angel” thing and zap him healthy?” Sam asked. Dean nodded at this.

 

“I was told to tell you that he is your test, if you can reach him, there is the possibility that an angel will heal him.”

 

“Possibility as in 90%?” Dean asked.

 

“I do not know, I was only told it would be a possibility.”

 

“Damn it Cas why is everything with angels a crap shoot, but demons tell you up front what to expect?” Dean griped.

 

“I’m sorry Dean, I just don’t have an answer for that.” 

 

“I’m tired.” Dean confessed. “You two natter on, I’m gonna nap for a while.” Dean responded.

 

“There is nothing left to natter over; the matter has been taken out of my hands.” Castiel said as he vanished.

 

Dean lay there pretending to sleep for several moments until Sam sighed and pulled up his chair where they were at least eyeball to eyeball. “You can stop pretending.” Sam said in a whisper.

 

Dean sighed and opened his eyes tiredly. “I’m really bushed Sam. And I’m pissed and tired or being used, having the choice of life and death thrust into our hands like this. I’m tired of it.” Dean said wearily. Sam reached over and stroked his cheek.

 

“Go to sleep, we’ll get some answers but for now you need to get your strength back up.” Sam said quietly. They exchanged kisses and then Dean’s eyes slipped shut in true sleep. Sam stayed by him rubbing his back until he was good and under. 

 

Sam stepped out and walked down to the Cancer center and found Terrance’s room. He heard the commotion and stepped in to see him brow beating a nurse. A young black man stood on the other side of the bed from him and looked indifferent to the whole thing.

 

“Like it or not Terrance you’re getting this medication.” The nurse said plunging the needle into his IV line. Terrance made a grab for the line.

 

“DON’T!” Sam yelped surprising nurse, Terrance and Keith alike.

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Terrance said with an edge eyeing Sam hostily. 

 

“Sam Winchester and I’m telling you right now, you yank that out and it’ll hurt like a son of a bitch. Leave go and take the drugs man.”

 

“What do you know about it?” The nurse finished and left them knowing Sam for who he was with the kids. 

 

“My partner has testicular cancer, now he’s back in with what is suspected to be kidney cancer. He’s well and truly fucked as well.” Sam said with the same edge he was given.

 

“So who are you to be coming in here in the first place?” He asked now curious, angry and curious.

 

“I’m a children’s advocate for the Cancer center, but I heard about your case and wanted to touch base.”

 

“So you know about Cancer big fucking deal, what do you know about AIDS?” He asked.

 

“I’m gay, and I’m a college graduate, and I read a LOT.” Sam said approaching within a few feet of the bed.

He looked up at the other young man who was polite looking now. “Hi I’m Keith, Terrance here is the dick.”

 

“Oh you like my dick.” Terrance jibed good naturedly. 

 

“You got a problem if we just talk for a while?” Sam asked.

 

“Looks like I ain’t going no place fast and that shit she shot me up with is making me sleepy so you better make your spill quick.”

 

“Look, dude, I’m not some Bible thumper who’s out pounding the streets; I’m not some good two shoes who’s trying to do something good. I’m just a guy, who’s gay, who understands about AIDS, and knows personally about cancer. I’ve seen what Cancer along can do to the mental state. All I’m asking is just give it a chance.”

 

“You want to hook up?” Terrance said wall eyed for a moment.

 

“No.” Sam laughed, “I’d never try to take the place of something as sweet as Keith.” The latter blushed and ducked his head shyly.

 

“I’m willing to listen to you bitch and moan about your situation, I’m willing to get angry with you about the situation, but what I want to talk with you about is that you don’t have to project your ‘tude on these nurses. They see bad enough every day, how about doing them a favour and give them a break. Just try to please?” 

 

“Please Terry. This shit’s getting old. I know you’re pissed at the world, God know you’ve been pissy with me.”

 

“How do you know this isn’t just me, now?” Terrance asked Keith and Sam. 

 

Keith took the initiative, “Cause I know you Terry, we’ve been blood for 5 years man, it’s time to give it a rest.”

 

“Cause I’m dying I should just roll over and play nice?” Terrance said to him. 

 

Keith brushed away tears. “You tired of me baby, you tired of us?” 

 

That got Terrance’s attention, “Hell no, you’re my lifeline sweet thang. I need you right now.”

 

“Then treat me the way you used to, let’s at least listen. Give him a break baby.” Keith said brushing the long silver blonde hair away from Terrance’s face.

 

They could tell Terry was fighting an inner battle and something was holding on tight. 

 

“Terrance, are you or have you ever been religious?” Sam asked.

 

“Hey you said you weren’t a bible thumper!” Terrance said. Then Sam reached out single handed and focused. His head suddenly started pounding and his nose erupted in a nose bleed at the same time Terrance writhed on the bed and suddenly a black smoke billowed out and pooled then disappeared on the floor.

 

Sam walked over weakly and checked Terrance’s wrist. “He’s got a pulse, he’s weak but he’s alive.” 

 

Sam grabbed some tissue off the nightstand and wiped his face down, then jammed some up his nose to stop the flow. 

 

“Terrance?” Keith asked with deliberate care.

 

The other boy slowly opened his eyes and focused on Keith a moment, then on Sam.

 

“Oh my fucking God, what I have I done?” Terrance cried out, Keith grabbed him in a hug and held on as he went into mild hysterics. As he calmed down slowly he saw that Sam was still there.

 

“I guess I got you to thank for that.” He said with a slight smile.

 

“Yeah, it’s a talent I got, don’t use it much anymore, fucks with my head, but it’s got its uses.” 

 

“Man are you okay?” Terrance asked him.

 

“The nosebleed will ease up, can we talk now about your attitude?” Sam said pulling up a chair as Keith climbed on the bed with him.

 

They talked then. The afternoon wore on and just before Sam left he noted that Terrance was all smiles but he was in a better frame of mind now that he knew just how he’d been behaving. Then he looked at Sam and asked an honest question.

 

“What does it matter how I act? I’m going to hell anyway just for being a faggot.” He said derisively

 

“I know someone who would disagree with you strongly on that. His main advice would be to do some fence mending. You know where you fucked up, admit it and go on. Apologize if you gotta, but do it and get it over with.” The door opened and his assigned nurse came in to check his IV and drug line. “Starting now.” 

 

“Angie?” Sam was at the door when he heard the hesitant embarrassed voice, “Uh I’m really sorry for being such a shit. I know I been giving you and the staff a hard time I well…I’m sorry for that.”

 

“Thank you Terrance, thank you very much.” She said startled and left.

 

“It sucks to have to scrape but you’ll feel better when you do it. And man…”

 

“Yeah?” Terrance asked.

 

“Don’t give up on that one beside you.” 

 

“Never.” Terrance said giving Keith a radiant smile. Sam nodded and left them. 

 

Back in Dean’s room Castiel was waiting on him. “So it WAS a demon that was causing all the problems?” He asked Sam quietly.

 

Sam nodded. Then pulled the plugs from his nose only to have a great gout of blood gush, soaking his shirt. Castiel sprang forward and grabbed his head and the blood flow ceased.

 

“You used your gift without the benefit of being jacked up on demon blood, this is the result of this for now. We can change that for you.” Castiel offered, causing the blood on the floor and on his clothing to turn to ash then nothing. 

 

“I just felt there was something other than that boy in the bed, he felt angry in a different way.” Sam said weakly.

 

“It’s more than that and you know it.” Castiel said directly. “You can see people’s aura’s now.” Castiel sighed and looked at Sam. “There was a time when angels would have hunted and extinguished you for your abilities. However, you have shown that such power in a mortal may not be solely or even singularly generated by a demon. You were able to turn a demon’s touch at a price to your body. Now as a result you can see the psychic profile of a person.”

 

“It’s like everyone I see glows differently. Terrance was glowing red with black fighting the red. After the exorcism it turned blue green with some brown muddled in there. Is that what you’re talking about?” 

 

“Yes. Sam this is a gift from God.” I will intercede and see if we can do something to close off the physical side effects of your exercising of power. I think you need to check on Dean right now however.” 

 

“That’s okay, I’m awake, I heard the whole aura thing. How you handling that Sammy?” Sam and Castiel walked up to the bed together, Sam walked around and the hugged and kissed. “I’ve missed you.” He said quietly.

 

“You too.” The he remembered the question. “It’s weird right now, it’s bombarding my senses though.”

 

“Sam, if you reach into your psyche you will find a switch that will turn the ability on and off, use that.” Castiel suggested. 

 

“I’ll search for it later.” Sam argued.

 

“You always wait until later to take care of yourself. Please Sammy, for me?” Dean asked. Sam sighed deeply and closed his eyes. He felt in his brain until he found the source of the power and he psychically flipped a switch. It was off now he noted when he opened his eyes. “Better?”

 

“Much” Sam admitted. Then he reached again as quick as thought finding the switch and flipping it on then back off. “Sorry just testing myself.” 

 

“How does the back feel?” Sam asked gently.

 

“Like a bad toothache.” Then he looked at Castiel. “So this Terrance kid was possessed, any chance of a repossession?” 

 

“Not right now, he still had the residual from the exorcism hanging over him. He’s going to be confused for a while and yes he will be vulnerable. Dean you must teach him what to expect.” 

 

“I can’t even walk a straight line right now…” 

 

“That’s about to change.” A voice from the door sounded, “Frank Garrard, I’m your physical therapist, my job is to teach you how to get into and out of bed. Sitting up for limited times to start and oh yeah, no whoopee for at least three days. Sorry guys, but you gotta give this time to heal up. It’s not a particularly bad wound as they go, but it’s bad enough.”

 

“By the way this is my spiritual director Castiel and my brother Sam.”

 

“Glad to meet ya, really, but right now my sole focus has to be on crip here.” Frank said jokingly. Let’s get you started. 

 

Thus the torture began in Dean’s book, two hours of teaching him out to get in and out of bed, in and out of a chair. Then they went for a walk by the time they’d returned to the room Dean was exhausted and showed it. 

 

“You may think you look rough, but dude your going great! We’ll work some more tomorrow, then the day after you get to practice at home.” Frank said then shook hands all around and was gone. 

 

“Did anybody see that little black tornado that was just in here?” Dean asked jokingly.

 

“He put you through your paces though.” Sam remarked.

 

“They want you healed up and ready to move.” Castiel concurred. “I could heal you but that will cause additional problems as that will be extended to Terrance when he qualifies.”

 

“Do angel’s always play these fucking games with mortals?’

 

“Periodically, Yes they do. However, they attempt to keep the gambits controlled.”

 

“So we are fucking dice on a crap table”

 

“Not exactly, you’ve always been more than a gambit. You are God’s chosen. Even though you have no desire to be observed as that. He had picked you for a special mission, let’s just say foilables and all you’ve done an admirable job. And I might add there are a few angels who are miffed at you because of that.” Castiel admitted.

 

“Good. Glad we are in a position to piss a few of your brethren off.” Dean started. “Look I’m sorry as hell that we’re so good at what we do even when we fuck up. But I’m tired of being the prime target.” 

 

Castiel leaned against the window sill, “Your position as a prime target is going to ease up REAL soon. Please trust me on that.”

 

“You don’t have to beg out trust.” Sam noted.

 

“Yes Sam, after my excretiable behavior of late I feel that I do.” For a moment it was if a cloud has sullied the sun outside. “I assumed a place much larger that what I am meagerly qualified for. I’ve been chastised and granted the rare privilege of not being a fallen angel, stripped of my grace. The Father has a great many jobs for all of us I should think. But yes like I said, I believe that your roles in the grand scheme will be diminished somewhat.”

 

“I still don’t understand it all but hell I’ll do what I gotta do.”

 

“That’s all we can ask.” Castiel said humbly before disappearing. 

 

Dean looked at Sam a moment. “You look exhausted.” Sam noted as he walked over and grabbed a hug and kiss. 

 

“I feel it.” Dean said as Sam started rubbing his back his eyes slipped shut. Sam smiled and kept rubbing his back as he started his signature snore, a soft rumble. A small smile crept on his face and he crooned during his snores. Sam knew that was trapped for a little while longer endured the torture and smiled to himself as he continued to rub Dean’s back. 

 

That afternoon Dean was in for another PT session with Frank as they got out of bed and took a walk. Dean asked to be walked down to the cancer center; he wanted to see his kids. He told the therapist who grinned. The little faces lit up to see their friend coming into the ward, and he had to sit down on a bed after several minutes to rest. Hugs were exchanged around and talk about his boo-boo was exchanged as well. After an hour of this he looked at his therapist and asked to make one more stop at a patient’s room. They got there and Dean looked at therapist and asked to be admitted privately it was a professional visit. The therapist smiled and told him that he was going to grab a cup of coffee and wait 15 minutes that was the extent of his visit.

 

“It’s good for you to be up and around but overdoing it won’t help matters.”Frank told him. Dean knocked on the door and then politely entered the room after gloves and gown were applied. 

 

“I feel like such a goob in this shit.” He muttered as he came into Terrance’s 

 

“Everybody says that the first time.” Terrance said from his position of sitting up in bed watching TV. He gladly turned down the volume to nil while Keith became more alert as well. 

 

“Dean Winchester” He said sticking out his hand which Terrance took as did Keith. “So how goes the great cancer battle with you?” Dean asked with a grin. Then added, “I warn you I have a weird sense of humour sometimes it gets me in trouble.” 

 

“No problem, the battle as it is, is actually going good. I’m beating the odds on the Kaposi right now and am on the remission side of the battle with it. The only thing that they gotta worry about now is pneumonia setting in.”

 

“Gotcha, your defences are at an all time low.” Dean noted.

 

“My defences are fucked.” Terrance said with a disarming grin.

 

“How about you Keith, how’re you holding up?” Dean asked.

 

“Good , going good.” Keith said quickly.

 

“Liar and a lousy one at that.” Dean said with a smile. 

 

“Ok”, he grabbed Terrance’s hand and arm. “I’m scared to death for him. Well I am so there’s no need to look like that.” Keith chided. “I sleep when he sleeps, but more often than not I’m sitting on a knifes edge. Dean walked over and indicate the opposite side of the mattress.

 

“You mind if I rest my dogs?” 

 

Terrance shook his head and then moved a little to give Dean room to sit down. “We’re going to be seeing a good bit of each other over the next few days. Did my partner explain what you were up against.”

 

“He said a demon, which I still find hard to believe.” Terrance said with an understanding smile.

 

“Don’t discount it. Keith I take it you were here when the demon was exorcised?” 

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“ What exactly did you see?”

 

“Terry you were sitting up like now, but you’d been a royal pain in the ass. You’d been snapping the head off of every nurse that was coming in. Sam just stood there with his hand out like Harry Potter. You convulsed, I mean I thought you were going to throw up but then you belched out some kind of oily black smoke. Then you convulsed a bit more and then you passed out. When you came out of it you were normal.”

 

Terrance shook his head. “You can blame me for being doubtful.” 

 

“You think I’d lie about something like that.”Keith said blowing up.

 

“No man, it’s just like something out of Bleach.” Terrance said referencing an anime show. 

 

“Are you both local?” Dean asked.

 

“Yeah, downtowners, we were planning on going to the AnimeCon over in the East side. Then I got sidetracked with this shit.”

 

“Is there a possibility that something like this could happen again?” Keith asked.

 

“Yeah, not likely to be immediately but it could happen.”Dean said then checked his watch. “Well my times up for this round. We’ll talk some more, and if you need to talk, I mean Cancer’s something you don’t have to go alone, call my room, if I’m not asleep I’ll be glad to talk to you, to talk to you both. Because you see, I’d like to get more familiar with the effects of AIDS other than what I’ve read.”

 

“Why in the hell would you want to know more about that?” Terrance asked distastefully.

 

“I’m gay. Me and my partner, we’ve been together since…well let’s just say well over 10 years. And we bareback. We’re monogamous but we know that don’t mean dick.” Dean said earnestly as there was a tap at the door and Frank stepped into the room to get Dean. 

 

“Let me tell you straight up, pardon the pun, but dude, if you’re barebacking that’s like playing Russian roulette with half the chambers loaded.” Keith said frankly.

 

“Well I’m down in 365, at least through tomorrow when I hopefully will get sprung, but I’m up here four nights out of the week with the Children’s Cancer Center, and it wouldn’t take me no time to come in earlier to swing by and see you two.”

 

“Thank you, I’d appreciate it.” Terrance said politely.

 

“Me too, we get the parents in here from time to time, but to out school it’s like we’re pariah.” Keith said.

 

“Really, what school is that?” Dean asked conversationally.

 

“St. Josephs over on Broadhurst.” Keith replied.

 

“Dean, You really need to get back to your bed for a while.” Frank said sternly. 

 

“Coming darling.”Dean said with a smile and a wink to both boys. He pushed up off the bed carefully and together he and Frank made it back to his room.

 

“Thanks for that detour Frank, I appreciate it.” Dean told his therapist. 

 

Frank looked at him a moment and grinned. “I know what you got planned.” He said conspiratorially.

 

“Why Frank, whatever would make you think I have some mischief planned.” Dean said with feigned innocence. “See ya tonight.”

 

“I’ll be here and God help whoever you tangle with.” Frank said shaking his head with a grin. Sam looked up at him curiously as he grabbed his cell phone off the side table.

 

“Atlantic City, New Jersey, St .Joseph’s Catholic School on Broadhurst.” He said to the information operator who immediately dialed it for him. 

 

“St. Joseph the Divines School how may I direct your call.”

 

“I’d like to speak with whoever handles your Public Relations.” Dean said in a rich cultured voice. In a few moments the link clicked.

 

“Deputy Headmaster Ira Willis, I have the PR for the school what can I do for you ?”

 

“Ed Welk, Mr. Willis, I’m a Contributing Editor with the Times, I was down here in Atlantic city and had the unfortunate problem with having a bout with kidney cancer flare up. The staff over here at St. Hilda’s was most professional in attending to my needs, but in the course of my recovery I came across one of your students who claims that he is being treated as a pariah by the school.”

 

“Certainly that can’t be the case what is the student’s name?”

 

“Names sir, his partner is with him, oh yes, they are a gay couple which may make this uncomfortable. Any who one is Terrance Livermore and Keith Cumberland.” There was a furious tapping of keys at the other end of the line.

 

“Indeed we have them in the Junior level of the High School and both are exemplary students. I find it hard to believe there was a charge of their being labeled pariah so I may wish to come out tomorrow and interview their teachers if that would not pose too great of an inconvenience.”

 

“Mr. Welk, give me a couple of days to sort this out and we will be back in touch with you immediately. 

 

“Certainly, you may contact me at 212-556-7926. You will undoubtedly reach my secretary first.” He laughed broadly. “He’s a native with a brash mannerism that sometimes puts people off but he’s actually a dear.”

 

“No problem Mr. Welk, We will be contacting you in a couple of days.”

 

“Thank you, Goodbye.” Dean said in a rich bourgeois tone. 

 

Sam was fighting laughter, “That has to be the best phone con you’ve pulled to date. God where did you get that accent?”

 

“From watching bad TV at night.” 

 

The nurses came around like clockwork and Dean received his medication for pain which was essentially a prescription strength ibuprofen. The door suddenly came open with Dr. Samuelson who strode over and grabbed a chair pulling it up.

 

“Doc!? Who lit a fire under your ass?”

 

“We got damn lucky Dean, the lab was evidently running on boredom when your sample hit because it was one of the first through. Initial results do show that it was malignant.”

 

Dean suddenly looked poleaxed, Sam sprung to his feet to help calm Dean.

 

“Calm down kiddo, we got the tumor plus the tissue that was surrounding the tumor was free from any abnormalities. Yeah it’s both bad and good.” Samuelson said holding his fist up Dean absently bumped it. 

 

“You gotta pardon me if I seem a little surprised.” The Dean gulped, “Ok doc, what’s the game plan now?” 

 

“You’re right this changes things dramatically. First you’re going on a prescription medication that will help boost your immune system, plus I’m going to recommend a couple of vitamin complex formula’s for you to take a look at. You will be in my office every two weeks for three months; we’ll do blood tests to confirm the non-presence in your blood count. And you’ll be scheduled for a biannual MRI. I’m sure you dodged the bullet on this again. Pardon me for saying it but you are the luckiest sonuvabitch I’ve met to date.” He stood “Let’s go ahead and get the preliminaries out of the way.”

 

So Dean was given a thorough examination. Then he looked at Dean and nodding headed towards the door whistling happily.

 

“It’s malignant, but he got it all and there doesn’t look like any more is in there.” Dean replied deadpan. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Dean into a hug. They kissed deeply. 

 

“There better be something coming with that kiss.” Dean said.

 

“Well we could shock some of the nurses with me giving you a blowjob, but you haven’t had your shower today have you?”

 

“Noooo.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“After your walk this evening why don’t we shower together and maybe experiment with things you can do in a hospital shower.” Sam offered.

 

That evening for the walk Frank did give in to their request to go down to Terrance’s room. As they entered the room they were stunned by the large hamper of snacks and goodies on the other chair in the room. Keith ran over to move it and offer the chair to Dean who took it gratefully. 

 

“15 minutes Dean.” Frank advised him as he left. 

 

“He’s such a tight ass he must be a closet case.” Terrance said with a grin.

 

“I couldn’t say to that. But you’re looking chipperer if there is such a word.” Sam said.

 

“Looks like I beat the Kaposi, it IS in full remission. My blood work is looking better.”

 

“How would you like to have it look sterling Mr. Livermore.” Castiel said stepping up to the bed. Both Keith and Terrance recoiled.

 

“What are you?” Terrance said his terror level rising.

 

“Easy Terry, he’s one of the good guys.” Dean told him

 

“If you say so man, but uh I’m not used to people just popping in like this.”

 

“Terrance, I am an angel of the Lord. You have found favour with the hosts and for that you are given this.” Castiel and gently stroked Terrance’s head. The boy shivered visibly and looked at Castiel as the angel unfurled his wings and vanished. Terrance and Keith both crossed themselves in recognition of a higher power. 

 

“What did he mean? I should be given what?” Terrance asked.

 

“Terrance, I think that the doctors will find all markers of your AIDS gone on their next blood test.” Sam said with a smile that was turning into a grin. 

 

“He must be right Terry, you’re blushing, you’ve not done that in ages. And you don’t look pale as a … oh my God Terry!!” Keith said as they embraced. 

 

Sam took a moment and switched on his gift then smiled, switching it back off. “I have a gift of sorts, to be able to see a person’s aura. Oh it’s nothing satanic or anything like that, it’s a psychic talent that I have as my gift. Terry, get off the “E” man, you don’t need it and you’re body will thank you for it. If you’re doing weed, don’t sweat that man, that shit won’t hurt you unless you get busted. But get off the drugs man, both of you. You’ve got a clean start, don’t fuck it up.” 

 

Terry was in tears of joy as was Keith as they half listened to Sam until his got to the Ecstasy use and that caught their attention. They nodded happily at one another and shared a long deep kiss. “Come on Sam, we’re interrupting quality time.” Dean said pushing himself to his feet.

 

“Wait a minute, I wouldn’t even be in this shape if it weren’t for you. I owe you man.” Terrance looked at Dean and Sam tearfully. 

 

Dean took the offered hand and pulled him into a tight hug. “Just get clean and stay that way dude.” Dean told him. “God ain’t got nothing against you loving Keith, but he’s got a problem when you pollute your body that way man.” They pulled apart and as a last act Dean kissed his forehead. Sam and Keith shook hands and hugged as he did with Terrance then they exchange all the pleasantries they promised to stay in touch. 

 

Sam and Dean were returned to their room where they asked for extra bath towels. The nurse eyed Dean strangely for a moment then Dean actually managed to force a blush as he stated. 

 

“I need to take a shower, all the walking I’ve done today and with my partner here he can make sure nothing happens to me in the shower.” 

 

There were knowing smiles which caused both of them to blush then they were given sufficient toweling and a promise of privacy for the rest of the evening. They immediately stripped down as soon as they were alone in the room and started the shower, getting the temperature just right then both stepping into the warming spray. Their bodies responded immediately to the temperature, and to the proximity of their bodies to each other. One of the first things that they did in the privacy and intimacy was to hug and kiss, fondle and snuggle. Until Dean suddenly let out a yip and a gasp as he exploded in his first orgasm in over a week. Sam was a little better controlled and managed with some judicious handling loosened up Dean’s ass to accept three soaped up fingers then using liquid soap as a lubricant he carefully, oh so carefully penetrated Dean and rode him all the way inwards. His strokes were long and luxuriant, in time to the pounding of Dean’s heart he was pumping in about every three heart beats. The rhythm was maddening to Dean would was use to a much harder approach, but Sam was having mercy on his back. The tightness of Dean was maddening on Sam as he seemed to pull him closer then push him away, until finally he dared to pick up the pace slightly. He bit down on Dean’s shoulder marking him as his, the he licked the wound carefully until he felt a tightness building in his deepest core. He reached out now and found that Dean was hard again, each tug he gave on Dean sending a corresponding clinching of the anal muscles around Sam until Sam buried himself deep and cried out as he came. He rode for a while longer into Dean until he was milked dry then turned Dean around to where he was in line to give Dean a blowjob to finish him off which didn’t take long. That was okay though, this only primed the pump for what awaited Dean when he got home. They dried off and Dean dressed in a clean gown while Sam redressed in his clothing for that sans underwear. There was a time in their not too distant past when they had to make the same pair of underwear got for several days if the were going to wear any. But those days were history to them now. They came out of the bathroom toweling their respective heads dry when they heard a throat clear. They looked up and saw Bobby.

 

“It’s about time you showed back up. Where you been hiding?” Dean asked.

 

“Had to make an emergency road trip up north into New York State. Stewart called and said he was on the trail of a Wendigo and could I help him. I wasn’t about to let him go it alone. It was an easy kill. We got the thing torched in two shakes, no problem.”

 

“We were getting worried about you.” Sam said.

 

“You didn’t bother calling.” Bobby said sniping.

 

“The hell you say, I tried calling after lunch today it rolled over to your voice mail immediately. What am I supposed to do, hang around with my thumb up my ass?” Sam returned. 

 

Bobby reached in his pocket and pulled out the cell phone which had been turned off earlier that day. So he was a little shamefaced over this incident. They went ahead and explained the situation with a resident patient just down the hall in the cancer center. 

 

“Just like that eh? I wonder what they want this time?” Bobby asked

 

“I don’t know, but I’m running blind into this one.” Dean said. 

 

“Best idea I heard from you. Now, what’s the situation for tomorrow?” 

 

“I’m staying the night.” Sam said.

 

“Figured that ya wet headed idgit.” Bobby said good naturedly.

 

“If everything goes according to what the doc said we should be out of here by noon.”

 

“Sounds good, I’ll go ahead of you and get the house ready.” Bobby said.

 

“It’s okay Bobby.” Dean started.

 

“No it’s not for at least three reasons. One, you’ve been over here nearly a week, that means the house has been shut up so it’ll be stuffy, not to mention cold cause you ain’t had no heat on. Two, if you spend the night Sam, you’ll want to bed down with snuggles there and while I don’t have a problem with you two, I figured you’d like private time. And Three, I want to check the protection on the property before you get back. Something feels hinky about this whole thing and I don’t know what it is.”

They nodded at Bobby’s logic and visited until Dean started to drift off around 10:00, Bobby got up and started for the door.

 

“Bobby be careful.” 

 

“You better know it.” He told Sam. Bobby was gone maybe five minutes when Dean slid over in bed. Sam took the hint and crawled in behind him looping his arm across his chest protectively. Dean held on a little extra tight.

 

“You okay?” Sam whispered.

 

“This whole shooting match today has got me scared and I don’t like feeling this way. First there’s the situation with the demon that was in Terrance, then Terrance getting healed, then I get told that spot was malignant but they got it all, still they want to do beaucoup checks. I’m just worrying to be worrying.” Dean said nervously. Sam nuzzled and kissed the nape of Dean’s neck. 

 

“Let take it a thing at a time. Let’s get home first okay?” Sam started.

 

“Agreed.” Dean said tiredly. Sam started humming in a low pitch. “Zeppelin, you really are trying to put meunder aren’t you?”

 

Sam didn’t alter the tune but kept humming and in moments Dean was drifting, Feeling Dean relaxing Sam switched to some Kansas and in moments Dean was under.


	30. Chapter 30

Humming some Metallica to himself, Dean jostled a nervous leg in Dr. Carriggan’s consulting room. 

 

“Will you relax, you’re getting me antsy.” Sam whispered sternly. That slowed Dean’s leg for a moment then it picked up its jumping. Sam just shook his head and grabbed him by the arm to just skip the appointment when the door opened and the nurse announced that they were ready to see Dean and Sam now.

 

They got back to the office and Sam got Dean a beer, he looked at it absently for a moment trailing his finger around the lip of the can.

 

“Dean, please, you’re scaring me.” 

 

“Get over it girly man, I’m wound up and there’s not going to be a slow down for a bit.” Carriggan came into the office a moment later and looked at Dean understanding the situation he took the unopened beer from his hand and put it up then brought him a bottle of water and disappeared out the door for a moment and came back with a sample card of Ativan. He popped open one of the samples and put it in Dean’s palm. 

 

“Take that.” The doc ordered.

 

Without thinking Dean did and they sat and politely waited as the drug took effect and Dean started to calm himself.

 

“I take this burst of nerves has something to do with your recent trip to the hospital?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean nodded looking at the doc. “Doc Samuelson had the tumor excised and examined it was malignant, he’s pretty sure that they got the mass but they’re keeping an eye on me and got me taking some medicine and vitamins.”

 

“So what’s got you so wound up?” He asked Dean who in turned stared at him for a long moment then burst into tears. He sat there shaking and sobbing. 

 

“Ok, this is a situation that’s going to need some going into a bit. Sam this is serious and I don’t think that an office visit is going to solve the problem.”

 

“You’re suggesting hospitalization?” Sam asked.

 

“We have a ward over there for my patients and it’s in a section of the hospital that is a bit different in appearance. The rooms are like luxurious suites, No it’s not a typical Psych ward with locked doors with little windows for the doctor to peek through. This is all done in the opposite manner of the perceived and destructive wards of the 50’s and 60’s. What I need is to get him admitted. Will that be a problem from your end?”

 

“No, I’ll call his boss and arrange everything, we got good insurance, and the lotto winnings we got in CD’s and Money Markets are doing REAL good right now. So not there won’t be a problem.” Sam said concerned. He reached his arm out and pulled Dean over so that his head was in Sam’s lap.

 

“Do you know what’s started this?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I really don’t know doc. He’s been working all week, going great guns. He’s not had any problems, then suddenly this morning he was sitting there watching the tube while I was getting my shower and I came out and found him like this. I turned off the TV and he was shaking and nervous, a cried a little bit then but nothing like this.” Sam gave the recitation calmly but he was scared for his brother, he’d never seen him so vulnerable and it scared him immensely. 

 

Dean was slowly coming out of it and his sobs were tapered off to quiet whimpers he started to sit up but Sam held him in place until he was calmed. Finally he sniffed, wiped his face with his hands and pushed up off Sam’s lap. 

 

“Sorry about that doc.” He apologized weakly. 

 

“Dean I’m going to recommend you take a week in hospital where we can explore and eliminate or control what caused this.”

 

“No doc, I’ll be fine, I was just wound up, I was sitting in the living room running channels and thinking and I hit on “Steel Magnolias” playing, they were in the scene where the girl bends over to pick up her son and shit happens. Uh, Sam came in when they were taking her off life support for her to die.”

 

“Ah!!! Now I know. Dean what’s eating at you is basically a post traumatic stress disorder. I’m surprised it hasn’t surfaced again before now. But you’ve been handed a cartload in the last few months and your obviously bottling your emotions up, doing the cult of manhood thing and not showing your girly side. Dean you have got to let go from time to time, you’ve got to release these monsters that are eating at your soul. Yes you’ll have similar episodes, and you’ll come through them and you’ll be just like you are now. Usually it’s a visual or aural stimulus that sets a person off.” Carriggan explained. “Do you trust your brother?” He asked.

 

“Yeah!” Dean responded immediately.

 

“Then unwind and let him help you through these periods. They will come and you will have to put up with them but you’ll get through them eventually.”

 

“Will I get to the point where I don’t have any attacks?” Dean asked.

 

“Maybe, or maybe you’ll get to the point where there is a greater amount of time between attacks. Whichever is your fate, I’ve got faith that you can handle the stress.” Carriggan told him.

 

Dean shivered and looked at his drenched shirt front. “I’m afraid there’s going to be another spot pop up.” 

 

“And you’ll deal with it.” Carriggan assured him. “I can predict the future, I can’t tell you you’ll be 100% clean of this stuff. But son simply put shit happens.” Carriggan chuckled.

 

Dean actually smiled a little bit. “Do you think I need hospitalization?” Dean asked shakily.

 

“It’s up to you, the ward like I explained to your brother is set up more like a high end motel than a psych ward. It’s a ward that a group of us psychologists teamed up and got the hospital to create to eliminate the need of the extra security type wards for the truly sick. This is set up for those who are marginally ill, something we can treat easily. The stays are usually a week to two weeks at a time, you have to be recommended by a psychologist on the board, and you have to be willing to at least attempt a group session.”

 

“I don’t know doc. I feel okay now.” Dean said trying to put his game face back on.

 

“Bullshit.” Sam said. “I live with you, I know when you’re not so hot and right now is one of them. Please Dean, let’s get this looked at.”

 

“Sam, I don’t want to go back in the hospital. Please understand.” Dean pleaded.

 

Sam looked him deeply in the eyes then looked at Doc Carriggan, “We need an alternative.”

 

“I wish there were several alternatives I could offer the best are accelerated office calls. I would need to see you like every three days.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Let’s get started.” Dean said. 

 

“This is going to be stressful on you, and for the next month I want you to monitor yourself for triggers that set you off. You’ll know them but we’re going to experiment.” Carriggan said sagely.

 

“Stress I can handle.” Dean responded.

 

“No you can’t.” Carriggan exclaimed. “You can handle stress to a point then it floods out of you. This is your first exercise that you will do to stay out of the hospital. You will, I’m sorry to bring you into this Sam, but you will tell Sam about your day. The both of you talk out the stress and anguish. Sam you are going to be the listener in this, you will comfort him and ease him through this, but you will make certain he talks out his stress.” Then the doctor sat back and looked directly at Sam, “This of course is a two way street, you will also talk about your day, the good and the bad. You will share the stress, cry on each other’s shoulders if that’s what it takes. But YOU WILL work together to knock this stress out. Then on appointment days it will be a draining time for both of you.” Carriggan looked at Dean now as well. 

“Can you do that for me?” 

 

“Okay doc, whatever it takes.” Dean agreed.

 

“As a favour will you please do me the favour of visiting the ward and look over one of the empty rooms? You might change your mind about this.” Carriggan said.

 

“That’s only fair.” Sam agreed and elbowed Dean who agreed as well.

 

“Dean stress can accelerate cancer forming cells. IF and this is a big IF you have any left in your body your emotional state will determine their growth.” Carriggan warned. “Now let’s revisit the moment that set you off. If it does so again we will deal with that, but we need to look at the minutiae to see what could be triggering the events.”

 

So they spent the next fifteen minutes picking apart the movie scene by each, go through things that were happening in the film even to the point of replaying some of the sequences in the mind. Dean did exhibit symptoms and they were always surrounded with the death of the girl.

 

“It would sound to me what you fear is leaving the choice of pulling the plug. You want to do something about that at the same time, you want every possible thing that could be done, done.” Carriggan said.

 

Dean nodded, “I’ve not signed a DNR form with the hospital because I believe something positive could happen. At the same time, I feel guilty about the thought of being a vegetable and not being able to respond to Sam.” He said.

 

“Sam, how do you feel about this?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Betrayed.” He said in a word which got Dean’s attention. “I feel betrayed that Dean would think I would pull the plug at the drop of a hat instead of waiting until all life saving measures are exhausted.”

 

“I never thought you’d feel, Sammy, oh shit.” Dean said reaching out to Sam who pulled away.

 

“Don’t,” Sam said obviously hurting “You’ve taken the one option out of my hands that would spare you an interminable amount of time in limbo. You’ve been there in that between space. You wanna go back that bad.”

 

“Oh God Sammy, I’m, Sammy I’m sorry about this. Can we at least talk this out in full before I make a decision?” Dean asked.

 

Sam just looked at him. “It would seem like you’ve made your decision.”

 

“Give me a chance…please.” 

 

“Okay guys I tell you what I want you to do for home work, “Talk this situation out get the air clear. Get back to where you used to be.” Carriggan said.

 

Sam turned to Dean, “You’ll condemn me for being all girly about this, but Damnit we trust each other in the field with our lives, why can you trust this?” 

 

Dean grabbed Sam by the shoulders and pulled him into a hug which Sam returned. 

 

“Talk about it and come to a decision. Just remember this Dean, if you don’t sign the form, Sam will have to go to court and file for a petition to have the plug pulled, usually these cases get strung out forever it seems. Don’t condemn yourself.” Carriggan said getting up indicating their session was at an end. “By the way I’ll get with my nurse and have your appointments set. I still think you would do better hospitalized.”

 

“I said I’ll think about it.” Dean said firmly.

 

Carriggan sighed as they left this was going to be an uphill battle he was sure.

 

That evening they got to the hospital early enough to drop by Terrance’s room to see it empty, he’d been released, good. So they had some time to kill. 

 

“Let’s just go look.”

 

“Dean I don’t like this I know what a psych ward looks like. I’m not interested.” 

 

“Please let’s just give this a chance.”

 

So they got directions and were pointed towards the ward. They arrived a short while later to find beautiful oak doors leading into a wood floored ward. The suites were of two types, one with just a bed, large screen TV, and usual amenities, but all in the upper standards and the beds had full sized mattresses. There was adequate seating and a view. The other suites had the same with an adjoining family room which could adequately bed down an additional person or two. All the rooms had refrigerators which were filled with juices, soft drinks and healthy snacks.

 

“Okay so maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. But damn it Sam, it’s Christmas in two weeks.” Dean whined unsuccessfully as Sam looked at him with full puppy dog eye power. 

 

“And the best gift of all would be to have my old Dean back, or a cleaned up fresh minded new Dean.” Sam said.

 

“It means that much to you?” Dean said.

 

“Your mind is your most valuable asset aside from your enormously sexy body, but your mind is valuable to me. And when it’s torn up like this it tears me up inside. Please consider it.” Sam begged.

 

“Let me talk to Bob about this, I’m gonna need some serious time off, I’ll give him 10 days. That’s all.” 

 

They each took out their cell phones and then looked at each other and laughed. Sam bent in and kissed Dean. “I love you.”

 

“That’s why I’m doing this.” Dean said soberly as he kissed Sam again with much more feeling. 

 

Dean dialed Bob’s number. He must’ve checked his caller ID.

 

“Hey Dean, glad you called, look we’re going to go ahead starting today and take our Christmas break. We’ll get back to jobs say January 3rd okay?”

 

“Beautiful! That just took care of what I was going to call you about.”

 

“Why, what’s up?”

 

“Me, Hospital, 10 days.” 

 

“Okay, I’ll bite what’s the matter?”

 

“PTSD” Dean summarized.

 

“Ah fuck man, I was Desert Storm/Desert Shield and Iraq. Fuck I know where you’re coming from dude, take your time, get better. If they’ll let me in I’ll drop by and see you later this week.”

 

“Thanks man, I appreciate that.”

 

They hung up and Dean looked to Sam. “10 days, that’s all.” 

 

Sam dialed. 

 

“Dr. Carriggan.”

 

“Good I got you between patients.”

 

“Sam! So what prompts this call?” 

 

“Dean saw the ward and agrees to 10 days.” 

 

“FANTASTIC! I’ll get with admissions to arrange his stay, he’ll need his regular meds and no worry about sleep wear, just bring some day wear. I’ll have him set up for say 10:00 tomorrow morning?”

 

“Sounds good.” Sam replied.

 

“Good, give him a hug for me.”

 

“No problem, thanks doc.”He hung up and hugged Dean then kissed him again, “Let’s go see the kids.”

 

“Sounds like a plan.” Dean said as they started off for their cheering up session with their young charges.


	31. Chapter 31

The evening with the kids was special for Sam and Dean, they’d just toured the ward that Doc Carriggan recommended now they were on their way down to ‘their’ kids. 

 

They got to the ward and was greeted with a cacophony of Unca Dean’s and Unca Sam’s, they didn’t care they unconditionally cared for each child on the ward they went around and visited with those in bed who could get out right now. And those who had had a treatment that day and were feeling lousy, they hugged all, gave some a chance to vent their frustrations, gave some of them a strong shoulder to cry on. They were in short happy to see their group. 

 

Dean stopped at one bed and sat down; the occupant looked decidedly put out. “Ok Mikey, I know that face, what’s wrong?”

 

“This is gonna be m ‘last Christmas.” He said bursting into tears.

 

Dean gathered at six year older into his arms and hugged him tight. “Hey tiger, what makes you think that?” 

 

When Mikey got to the point where he could take a breath in his crying he looked at Dean with tears streaming. “Mama won’t talk about it and neither with Daddy.”

 

“Maybe they just don’t know. They might be as confused as you, okay?”

 

“It’s not okay, if it’s bad news, I’m a big boy, I can handle it.” He said defensively.

 

“Yes, you are a big boy, but sometimes big boys can be wrong too. Do you want me to talk with them since I’m a grown up?”

 

He brightened “Would you?” Dean whipped out his cell phone and held it out to Mikey. “Call your mom tell her who I am and then give the phone to me ok. 

 

“Mama, it’s Mikey, Hi, no I’m fine, mama Unca Dean is here with us member me tellin’ you about him. He wants to talk to you. Okay,” He handed Dean the phone. Dean got up winked at Mikey who grinned now and walked over to a quiet corner of the room. “Mrs. Johnson, Dean Winchester here.”

 

“Oh Dean, you don’t know how good it is to finally at least put a voice with the name. My boy just goes on and on about you and Unca Sam.” She laughed. “You’re doing such a great thing giving up your time like that.”

 

“Well I’m a survivor too, twice now and I thought it only fair, that we try to help out with them. Look what I’m calling about is that Mikey was very upset when we arrived.”

 

“What’s wrong?” She asked immediately in the mommy tone.

 

“He was convinced that this is his last Christmas…Period.”

 

“Oh no,no,no. I tried to talk to him about that today and…” She suddenly sounded embarrassed. 

 

“Please, if it’s something I can do to help with please let me.” Dean pleaded.

 

“Bill, that’s my husband, his insurance is running out on the treatment for this year. What I was going to try and tell him that his next Christmas would be at home with a nurses aid coming in.”

 

“Which you’re not too keen on I take it?” Dean commented

 

“Not really, but well, we aren’t exactly financially independent.” She said bitterly.

 

“Heh, who is these days. Look, you and your husband come down here to the hospital and talk to Financial Services on the Ground Floor, they have programs for any income level.”

 

“Do you really think that they could help us? I mean…uh…”

 

“Yes ma’am I do, I think you really need to do that to ease your peace of mind and his. Would you like to explain what you meant to him now or when you come in again?”

 

“Lord, If I don’t try now, he’s likely not to sleep well tonight. Let me talk with my boy please.” 

 

“Okay, and remember Financial Services, Ground Floor.” Dean said walking back over to the bed and handing the phone to Mikey.

 

“Mama?”

 

“Baby this isn’t your last Christmas, I was trying to tell you it might be your last Christmas in the hospital, but your Unca Dean has given me some news and so me and daddy are going to be over there tomorrow, we’ll come up and see you ok?”

 

“Okay…”

 

“Night sweetie.” She said

 

“Night mama.” Then he handed the phone back to Dean who terminated the call and put the phone up. 

 

“Better?” Dean asked. 

 

“Uh huh.” Mikey said. Then Dean smiled.

 

“Just think Mikey, this might really be your last Christmas in the hospital for a while. You may get well enough to go home for a while!” That got the boy smiling and thinking.

 

As to what made Sam and Dean even happier was seeing the various new faces that would pop up and the old faces that had the chance to go home. Then there was the greeting with the new faces telling them who they were and the other kids filled in the rest. So they spent the next two hours playing games with some, telling stories to others, and helping others who little stomachs could not take the treatments that well. 

 

Then they did the traditional spooky story with Sam and Dean as the heroes and they were off. They arrived at home to find that Bobby hadn’t returned from his hunt yet, so after supper they proceeded to pack up a bag for Dean.

 

It was 8:00 when they finished these chores then they stripped down and crawled into the bed with every intent on having enough sex to last them for at least five days.

 

The following morning they were in admissions, Dean sitting gently down in the office seat. He gave the admissions nurse a slight blush, “Post operative pain.” 

 

“Completely understandable.” She said smiling and they got him quickly checked in. He was told to report to the office of staff on the fifth floor where the wing was which they did. In the office there was a pleasant looking young man waiting.

 

“Hello, I’m Charles Patel; I’ll be assisting you in getting comfortable in the wing. You brought your prescriptions with you?” He held up a baggie with three pill bottles. “Excellent, I see you have a kit bag, good. Let me show you to your quarters while you are with us.” They got up and walked down the hall into another similar hall stopping at a single one suite room 550. The bed was a double. It was sumptuously done over in hardwoods and soothing colours. Then he showed off the private bath and the small console with refrigerator. “You are permitted to bring any beverages into the center for your refrigerator except for alcohol.”

 

“Does O’Doul’s count?” Dean asked.

 

“Alcohol free beer, no it doesn’t count against you. Our goal is to help you through whatever transition you’re undergoing. Dr. Carriggan recommended you so he or one of the staff psychologists will be holding a group session every evening at 7:00 just after dinner hour. You are not required to be at these meetings however it is encouraged for you to at least make the effort to attend and you are required to attend at least one such meeting during your stay with us.” Patel explained. “Well gentlemen, I will leave you to get settled into the room, we have a common eating area in room 536. Are there any questions?”

 

“We work with the cancer kids four nights a week, is that going to pose a problem?” Sam asked

 

“For the first three days we prefer the patient stay in wing. After which, the patient may apply for liberties around the hospital.” Patel answered.

 

“Apply for liberties?” Dean echoed bridling a bit.

 

“Oh I understand your tensions and no it is not our intent to imprison you on the ward, however, as long as you are in the hospital you are in the program. If you leave the hospital, for whatever reason, you have left the program.”

 

“We are partners as well, is there a problem with that?” Sam asked as almost a challenge.

 

“That was why we booked Mr. Winchester a room with a double bed, I’m sorry we do not have king sized yet, but we’ve never had to accommodate some of your height before. If you notice on the door knob on this side is a red placard, please place that on your doorknob when you wish privacy.”

“I think that covers everything then.” Sam said and Charles smiled and left the room.

 

Sam put the privacy card on the door and shut the door. He and Dean sat on the bed and Dean was looking decidedly uncomfortable. It could be said that Dean was looking HIGHLY pensive.

 

“I don’t know about this Sammy.” Dean said looking around the room. Sam looked around, 

 

“Nice place, reminds me of that motel we stay in when we were Florida. Remember that, oh wow, beach view from the windows. That was the sweetest hunt I think we ever had to go out on.”

 

“Can you tone back the enthusiasm meter a notch, my paranoia meter is kicking into high gear?”

 

Sam reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a device that looked like a multimeter. “Why did you think I packed my EMF meter?”

 

“Good boy!” Dean said with a grin, they did a sweep of the room, no hidden microphones or cameras. “I take it back, Sam, this place give me more than a little of the creeps.” 

 

“How about if I stay the night with you?” Sam asked.

 

“You don’t mind?” Dean asked the embarrassment factor kicking in now. “I mean I’m wearing my big boy pants, I think I’ll be okay.” 

 

“I’m staying so shut it.” Sam left the room and Dean to unpack and then went around to the front office and got Charles’ attention.

 

“Mr. Winchester?” 

 

“Yes, I’ll be staying the night with Dean.”

 

Charles laughed relieved, “We figured you might and in fact hoped you would. You see this is a Psychological Wing NOT a Psychiatric Wing, this is also a long way from the hidden agenda’s that so many television shows and movies make us out to be. We want this to be an enriching stay for the patient so we will do what it takes to make the patient comfortable. Usually the first couple of days is when the high anxiety creeps in.” Charles leaned back against a desk casually. “I tell you what, it’s almost time for Lunch to be served why not stay and enjoy it with the other patients and their family member.” 

 

He must’ve noted the surprise evident on Sam’s face as he smiled and told him. “Yes, you’re not the only one who stays with family members although we do ask that if you stay beyond two days you register with the admissions people, you will be our guest, but you will also be charged for the extra laundry and meals.” Charles said sufferingly.

 

“I’m sorry if we seem a little on edge, we worked in a field which tends to keep up the paranoia factor way high.”

 

“And that was?” Charles asked politely.

 

“We were paranormal investigators.” Sam said easily.

 

“Were you successful, the occasional rattle of the window and such.” Charles said dismissively.

 

“We’ve photo and film evidence that has been archived that proves existence.” Sam said tightly.

 

“I am sorry I did not mean to offend. Just…would you do me a favour and have Dean NOT bring that up in group. We have three patients here who claim hauntings and the like. We’ve been doing some really good work with them.” He asked earnestly.

 

“Hey, I’m a chef and steward in The Hungry Onion downtown, Dean is a laborer for Bob Randolph Construction. That’s what we’re doing now. We would just as soon not talk about our adventures in a group setting if you know what I mean.”

 

“I do and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that.” Charles said relieved. Then he pulled Sam off to the side into the hall from the rest of the office which raised the man in his estimation. “You say you have proof of existence?”

 

“We do.” Sam said guardedly.

 

“I’m sorry to sound like such an old woman about this, but the subject is beyond me and I find myself in the middle of a situation.”

 

“Excuse me?” Sam shifted

 

“We had a suicide on the ward four months ago, we cannot use the room for anything.”

 

“Show me the room.” Sam demanded. They went down the hall and took a different turning and ended up at room 576. Opening the door Sam could see the layer of dust on everything. Sam unpocketed his EMF meter but then his eye caught sight of a residue near the windows. Walking over he ran a finger through it and sniffed. “Sulphur.”

 

“What!? Sulphur? That means…?” 

 

“It wasn’t a ghost that plagued this room. It was a demon.” Sam said pocketing the EMF meter and pulling a flask from his pocket, then went to the trouble of unscrewing the cap.

 

“Is it a bit early?” Patel asked.

 

“It’s 5:00 somewhere.” Dean said tipping flask up then muttering, “Christo.” Patel flinched and his eyes turned coal black.

 

“You’re definitely a Winchester and somebody to be wary of.

 

“Yup” Sam reached out with one hand and slammed the door shut to the room and held it shut. The he started firing off like a tobacco auctioneer. “EXORCIZO te, immundíssime spíritus, omnis incúrsio adversárii, omne phantasma, omnis légio, in nómine Dómini nostri Jesu+Christi eradicáre, et effugáre ab hoc plásmate Dei. Ipse tibi ímperat, qui te de supérnis cæaelórum in inferióra terræ demérgi præcépit. Ipse tibi ímperat, qui mari, ventis et tempestátibus imperávit. Audi ergo, et time, sátana, inimice fidei, hostis géneris humáni, mortis addúctor, vitæ raptor, justítiæ declinátor, malórum radix, fomes vitiórum, sedúctor hóminum, próditur géntium, incitátor invídiæ, origo avaritiæ, causa discórdiæ, excitátor dolórum: quid stas, et resistis, cum scias, Christum Dóminum vias tuas pérdere? Illum métue, qui in Isaac immolátus est, in Joseph venúndatus, in agno occísus, in hómine crucifixus, deinde inférni triumphátor fuit. Sequentes crucis fiat in fronte obsessi. Recéde ergo in nómine Patris, et Fílii, et Spíritus Sancti: da locum Spirítui Sancto, per hoc signum sanctæ Crucis Jesu Christi Dómini nostri: Qui cum Patre et eódem Spíritu Sancto vivit et regnat Deus, per ómnia sæcula sæculórum. Amen.” 

 

Patel threw back his head and howled as black smoke poured from his mouth. Sam refocused his efforts and suddenly the smoke sizzled and sparked as the demon was destroyed utterly. 

Patel collapsed to his knees his head sagging, gasping for air and coughing at the same time. Sam released his hold on the door and ran around to check on Charles. 

 

The young concierge for the ward was in bad shape, nurses hearing the howl came running and found them in the haunted room. 

 

Sam was kneeling trying to help him while dealing with a bad nosebleed. The staff went into immediate action and got them out of there. The nose bleed was classic case although a mess. Patel on the other hand was still gasping air as if he couldn’t get enough. Finally his eyes cleared and he looked up.

 

“Sam!” He said startled. “Oh my God, Sam!” He rushed over to Sam’s aid as the insistence of his own crew to mind his health. He hushed them with a look.”G-Get maintenance and housekeeping up here and clean that room up. The spirit attacked us and then disappeared. Is it gone Sam?” Patel asked earnestly.

 

“Yes, gone for good.” Sam gasped. 

 

“Spirit?” A new girl on the floor said, but the older hands took her aside and with a few well chosen words sent her scurrying away. 

 

“Go on, I’m just short of breath I’ll be fine, Mr. Winchester here will need a clean shirt get a set of scrubs up here, uh extra-large.” Patel ordered. The nurses hurried off as Patel slowly stood as did Sam. “Dean’s room quick.”

 

They made their way down the other end of the hall diving into the room only to have Dean there with a 45 at the ready.

 

“Really Mr. Winchester, that’s unnecessary.” Charles said winded. Dean saw Sam’s attire and quickly helped him strip out of the shirt. He wadded the shirt into a tiny ball and looked at dropped it in the trash can. Sam was sitting on the bed now looking closely at Patel. 

 

“You think I was going to tell them about the demon! Are YOU nuts!? I have to deal with psychological phenomena, I don’t want to become my own patient.” Then he turned to Dean. “I understand better why you are here.” 

 

“You remember your possession?” Sam asked.

 

“I remember when I was possessed.” Patel said matter of factly. “It was four months ago when that girl was brought in a suspected case of demonic possession, we insisted that she be placed in a more secure facility but her parents insisted that she was just doing this to get attention. The demon evidently thought I was better pickings and left her and took me. It’s been dormant most of the time, acting up now and then.” He looked at Dean, “However, I would encourage you to please not advertise the fact that you are paranormal investigators. We do have two on the ward who have claims of hauntings.” He looked at Sam, “I’ll give you the particulars later. For now you two recover, lunch with be between 12 and 1 in room 536 and you both are encouraged to join us, there will be several who would like to see new faces. And trust me we have no wide eyed, or wild eyed, starring nymphettes or what have you running around. Most of the patients are disturbed but on a common level like you appear to be Dean, and please secure that weapon. I know why you have it but some of the others may not be so understanding.”

 

He turned as there was a tap at the door. Dean shoved the 45 under some of his clothing. “Come.” Charles said. The door opened and the new girl scurried in with the clothing her head down. “Patricia? Isn’t it?” She looked up tentatively and nodded. “Don’t worry there are some nurses bark that’s worse than their bite. You’ll do fine. Just keep an open mind. That’s the key for expansion and elevation in the ranks.” He said with a grin. “Now let’s start getting folk together for Lunch.” After they were gone Dean whirled on Sam.

 

“You want to explain that and this?” He pointed to the blood that Sam was going to have to wash down. He went into the bathroom and took a washcloth and washed up as neatly as he could, then dried off and donned the scrub top.

 

“Patel was possessed, he tried to pin me down in the ‘haunted’ room, I held the door shut with mind whammy and spouted off the exorcism rune in a heartbeat. It was a fucking amateur to get caught like that.” He bent down and retrieved his shirt from the trash can. “I’ll soak this tonight and do it in the laundry tomorrow.”

 

“What do you mean?” Dean said quickly.

 

“I mean I have a job I have to be at. I can’t just take time off at an instant. I’ll soak this tonight in some shampoo in cold water, and then take it home to do in the wash tomorrow while I’m at work. Dean, the creep level around here just dropped in the tank with that. He’s not going to condemn us for what we do. And he’s not going to have you committed either. You’re a construction worker, you’ve had a double whammy of cancer, that’s all you gotta remember, now come on I’m starved.” 

 

Sam grabbed Dean by the hand and dragged him to the oversized conference room where 12 other folk were lined up at a buffet to join 6 that were already seated. 

 

Dean saw that Lunch was comfort foods, hamburgers, all the trimmings, wedge cut roasted potatoes, cole slaw, baked beans with an apple cobbler for dessert. Charles came up behind Dean, “Don’t worry we also have a spa in this wing as well with a Nautilus machine, and several treadmills.” 

 

The meal was an experience for Dean as he got to know his fellow ward mates. There was no discussion of what brought them to the hospital but there was plenty of discussion about various other topics so conversation never lagged around the table. After lunch Charles came back over to Sam and Dean’s spot. “You might choose to lie down after such a morning.” 

 

“I’ll be fine, it’s this one here I’m worried about.” Sam said about Dean. 

 

“I ain’t that fragile.” Dean said.

 

“I’m not talking about that. I was thinking maybe we could go on a walk around the hospital later on to stretch our legs and stop by and see the kids.”

 

“Oh you have children here?” A nearby ward mate asked.

 

“We volunteer with the Children’s Cancer Center, they’re all our kids.” Dean said proudly. There was laughter and good humour surrounding that admission. Then talk about what they did to help the kids. 

 

“We’re just there for them. I mean most of these little guys and girls well they act differently around someone like us than they would their family. So we can get them to relax and we give them a shoulder if they need it. There’s a lot to do with them.” Sam admitted. 

 

“Of course some time the little rug rats get ahead of us and whips the stuffing out us in video games and shit.” Dean laughed.

 

“They sound delightful.” One woman said up from them. “No misbehavers?” 

 

“Oh we’ve had a couple through the months but they mostly straighten up pretty quick if they’re noticed in a certain way. Not harsh, but pointed.” Dean mentioned.

 

They talked on a bit more then slowly started breaking up into groups to play cards, chat, or whatever. Dean and Sam went back to the room, Dean hiding his pistol quite well. Sam admitted to being tired after the mornings excursion so they laid down for a brief nap then got up after an hour and went down to the cancer center. The kids were definitely surprised to see them and clamoured around. 

 

“What you here so early for?” Mikey asked.

 

“Well” Dean spoke loud enough for them all to hear. “Your Uncle Dean has to be here in the hospital for a little while to get my own problem looked at. Noticing the real concerned looked he hastened. “No guys, not the cancer monster. This is…well it’s a boo-boo in the brain.” That got some questioning looks. They need to check and make sure all the marbles I have in my head are there, I mean I may have lost some marbles.” That explanation got some titters. 

 

“They think you gone bad in the noggin.” Sallie asked.

 

“Yeah, so they’re going to check out my noggin and help me get the bad stuff out. That doesn’t mean I won’t be down here to see y’all. I’ll still be coming down, I promise.”

 

Suddenly all the ambulatory children ran up to him and it was a massive group hug. Dean looked shocked then pleased, then tears filled his eyes. He returned the hugs then went around to those still bed bound so that they could get their hugs in. 

 

“Unca Dee,” 5 year old Lawrence started. “Why you crying?”

 

“I’m happy. I guess I’m just funny in the head that way.” 

 

9 year old Linda looked at him and smiled, “Not a bad way to be.” 

 

“You coming back down for story time?” Mikey asked.

 

“As often as I can, I promise.” Dean said.

 

“Pinky promise?!” Mikey said seriously and he and Dean linked pinkies in the age old custom. 

 

He got some more hugs and then he waved to them as he and Sam left the ward. Sam cuddled him as they walked. 

 

“You okay?” Sam asked.

 

“I will be now.” Dean said with a grin.

 

Sam looked at his watch, “You still have an hour and a half before dinner, We killed a good two hours down there with the kids.” 

 

“They’re worth it.” Dean said. “Can we just go to my room for a bit?”

 

“Sure. Come on sweet prince.” Sam whispered.

 

“Princess.” Dean retorted with a grin.


	32. Chapter 32

Evening came and around 7:30 just after group, so did Dr. Carriggan. He didn’t waste any time.

 

“I hear you helped Charles out with a problem.” He said look abstract.

 

“Yeah, he was possessed by a demon that killed a patient.” Sam explained.

 

Carriggan looked at him, “And there were no other hunters that could…”

 

“Hold the fucking phone doc. We don’t tell you how to run your business, and if Sam was faced down and had to do a rapid fire exorcism, that’s our business.” Dean said hotly.

 

Carriggan ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry but after I heard I only was thinking of the mental state you boys are already in. You really didn’t need the added stress.”

 

“Actually the stress took out mind off our own problems for a bit. We also went down and spent time with the kids. We got back about ten minutes ago from a quick evening with them.” Dean said grinning. “This place isn’t too bad actually.” 

 

“So you skipped group this evening.” Carriggan noted. 

 

“Don’t worry; we’ll go to group tomorrow. I just still feel kinda antsy airing my laundry in front of a ton of strangers.”

 

“There’s no tacit rule that says you have to participate in the chat to start with. Just listen and see if something someone else says trips a memory or feeling and go from there.” Carriggan explained.

 

“I suppose.” Dean agreed.

 

“You’re going to spend the night I suppose?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Doc, hold on a moment and slow down a bit and talk to us. Not as doc to patient but as friends. You got an edge to your voice that ain’t natural. So what gives?” Dean started.

 

Carriggan sighed and leaned back in the chair. “One of my patients suicided this afternoon. He was a troubled young man; he made your situation, yes yours, look like a comic book by comparison. He had a Depressive Personality Disorder of the type that is hardest to treat. I kept recommending that he needed to have some specialized care and he kept arguing with me. He left this afternoon, stopped by a pawn shop and picked up a 38 caliber revolver and ate a bullet in the pawn shop. The owner tried to stop him but he’d loaded three rounds, if he didn’t do himself he was going to damn well do somebody else.”

 

“Oh shit man, we are so sorry about that. Is there anything we can do to help?” Sam asked.

 

“Just find your niche in here and work with these people. You’re heroes yet no one can know. If word got out that it was the In Resident Physician that was possessed, no one would ever trust this program again. As it looks you two were attacked by the spirit and managed to Sam with his magnificent store of Latin lore was able to dispatch the spirit and even that is only being told to the nurses. The patients were stirred up tonight at the meeting because they thought that the spirit in that room would get out. No matter how hard we try to dismiss this to their minds they seem to latch onto it harder. All the more reason for you two NOT to reveal you’re hunters of the supernatural. Yes, I’ve talked with Charles and he’s informed me of his patient roster, and yes Sam, I would like for you to take a little time out of your week if you could to check out the reports of the hauntings.”

 

“Hey no problem, I’ve got to go in tomorrow morning and open the store, but I’m off at 3:00 so I’ll check out one then and go from there.” Sam assured him.

 

“Doc, why don’t you do something for yourself this evening and have a couple of fingers of good whiskey?” Dean suggested.

 

“That’s the best offer I’ve heard all day.” Carriggan smiled and stood, “I am glad to see you adjusting to this, I understand as well if you have some apprehensions. Mental wards carry distinct negative connotations thanks to television and movies.”

 

“Doc, one of the worst hunts we did was in a haunted asylum.” Dean noted.

 

“That’s just it; Asylum’s and their ilk have been outlawed and forbidden in the practice of Psychiatric and Psychological medicine. There are treatment facilities, but nothing like the torture chambers of the old places.” Carriggan said then started for the door. “For what it’s worth, the first night alone is when most of the paranoia comes out of the woodwork, after that it’s a piece of cake.” Carriggan warned jokingly.

 

He started towards the door then turned back as if forgetting something and he was. “You two seem in unusually high spirits today, I take it your afternoon visit with the munchkin’s paid off in spades.”

 

Dean grinned, “There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for them.” 

 

It was a surprise when at three in the morning there was a soft tap at Dean’s door. Sam got up in sleeping pants and a tee shirt and walked over. It was a nurse with a troubled look on her face. Sam looked back a moment then stepped out into the hall. 

 

“I am SO sorry to wake you Mr. Winchester but its Corey.” The nurse said then Sam shook himself as he recognized her as a night nurse on the children’s cancer center wing. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked sure it was nothing good if he was being dragged out of bed at 3:00. 

 

“He’s in renal failure and going down fast, he’s a ward of the state so there’s no family, we have a priest on the way in but he’s over an hour away and Corey is frightened and fighting our efforts.” Corey was not only a ward of the state but a twelve year old in the teen’s area with an attitude.

 

“Let’s go.” Sam said.

 

“You don’t want to dress first.” She asked flustered.

 

“Takes too long, let’s go.” Sam repeated and they went. 

 

The situation in the room was slightly chaotic. Corey was conscious, in pain, and fighting the nurses at the same time they were trying to calm him down. Sam walked into the room and looked around. 

 

“Everybody out now!” He said in a tone that was reserved for those who knew what the hell they were about. The nurses carefully released Corey and backed up. Corey on the other hand was flagging fast. The renal failure was starting to drain his other defenses and his motor functions were slowly shutting down. “Corey, hey man, it’s me Sam. We cool?” He asked. Corey turned milky coloured eyes to Sam, the eyes were the first to go with him months ago. 

 

“S-sam?” He said suddenly unsure. 

 

“Hey buddy it’s just me, nobody else unless you say so okay?” He said as Sam edged towards the bed where Corey was reaching out blindly. 

 

Sam reached out and took a wrist lightly in his grip and pulled his hand up to his hair, the signature greeting between the two. He reached out suddenly both arms and grabbed Sam around the neck. 

 

“They want to give me stuff, keep me around, don’t wanna, please don’t let them. Dean turned back to the nurses in the doorway one holding a loaded syringe. 

 

“The nurses are outside the room, it’s just me in here with you I promise, but I need to ask them a question okay.” 

 

The near teenager nodded slowly seeming to grow weightless in his arms. Then he looked up and around and was about to ask his question when he saw Tessa standing at the edge of the bed. 

 

“Corey, you still with me little bro?” He asked and felt a slight nod, there’s someone who wants to talk to you, and she’s not a nurse.” He leaned in until his lips were brushing the cup of the boy’s ear, “She’ll help you cross.” 

 

Corey burst into tears and smiled. “You’re not playin’ me are you? You wouldn’t mess with me on something this important?”

 

“Tessa, would you come up and say hi to Corey.” The others in the doorway exchanged confused looks.

 

“Corey, my name’s Tessa, I’m here to take you home.” She said touching his hand. He gasped and was limp in Sam’s arms. Sam looked up and the room was empty the nurses suddenly looking perplexed. 

 

“He’s gone.” Sam said tears in his voice. He stood back as the nurses rushed in the room, one bringing in a crash cart. “Is that really necessary, he was in renal failure for Christ’s sake, let him be at peace.” Sam said walking numbly from the room. The young nurse who’d fetched him looked at him a moment. 

 

“Who’s Tessa?” 

 

“He was dying, he needed some comfort, does it really matter?” He asked as he walked back up the hall to the bank of elevators and then back to Dean’s room. He softly shut the door and walked over to the bed and sank down on the mattress. 

 

“Where’d you go?” Dean asked muzzily.

 

“One of our babies are gone Dean.” Sam blinked hard to keep the tears at bay but it was a futile effort, he lay there and cried quietly only to be hugged tighter by Dean. It seemed forever but in several minutes he was back asleep. A soft gong woke him and he looked up and saw sunlight streaming in the windows. There was a soft repeat of the gong sound several times. Then it was silent. Dean woke up and smiled as he saw that Sam was awake too. Together they bathed then joined the group in the common room for breakfast. 

 

Kyla, one of the female patients was seated across from them and saw the worn look on Sam’s face now that the morning finally woke him in full. 

 

“Are you okay? You seem awfully sad this morning.”

 

“Got some bad news last night. I’ll be fine.” Sam lied. 

 

Dean punched him in the arm, “Are you sure you’re going to be all right?” 

 

“I’m going to go see our kids after breakfast, I’ll have to be.” Sam said as he made his way through breakfast.

 

“Sam, Dean; We’re going to have group this morning instead of this evening as I have an appointment I have to be at, would you please join us?” Charles asked his eyes silently imploring.

 

Sam nodded wearily and said “Sure.” 

 

“But the kids.” Dean said concerned.

 

“This afternoon Dean, this afternoon.” 

 

An hour and a quarter later found them back in the common room ready for the day. Coffee, Tea, and Cocoa was available on the counter along with some packets of herbal teas. Dean made for the coffee while Sam fixed himself a cup of Chamomile tea. It was Charles that started group out by greeting them then adding. 

 

“You all know that Dean and Sam, our new guests work with the kids in the Cancer Treatment Center. Aside from the parents and staff, their faces are probably the only other friendly faces those children see. This morning at 3:00 poor Sam was awakened to report to the center, one of the patients was passing on and was feeling very lonesome and afraid. The young patient in question had neither mother, father, sister, nor brother to be with him, but at 3:00 Sam gave up sleeping and went down to be with him in his last moments. I received word this morning that the patient Corey Patterson passed on at 3:37.”

 

Sam was fighting back the tears again, but just like that evening they wouldn’t stop coming. 

 

“Sam’s was the last friendly face this boy saw, his touch the last this boy felt.” Dean grasped Sam around the shoulders and pulled him into his shoulder as he wept. “Kinda makes our problems seem small by comparison doesn’t it. But we are in need of someone like Sam and Dean; we’re in need of comfort. So that’s going to be the thought for the morning. What brings you comfort?” He asked the crowd. 

 

Kyla raised her hand and spoke, “friends.”

 

Neal raised his hand and spoke, “The Sun.”

 

“Good Kyla, Neal, what about the rest of you?” Charles said opening the floor and soon a discussion was started. Sam’s tears soon cleared, his sinuses abused after going through a box of tissues. His eyes swollen from weeping. Sam pulled his and Dean’s heads together foreheads touching. Then they looked at the group and heard the discussion going on and slowly joined in when they heard a point to comment on. The hour went fast and Charles was pleased with it. He smiled and stood. “Okay folks let’s clear out of here so housekeeping can come in and ready this room for Lunch.” He turned to Sam and Dean. “I’m sorry for putting you boys on the spot there.”

 

“No, it’s not a problem; it was something I needed to get out of my system.” The time was coming up on 10:00. “I need to go now. I’ll be back later today.” Dean and Sam shared a kiss to the titters of some and surprise of others. And they parted. Dean pulled out his cell phone and pulled up Toby’s number, he was the closest one to the health food store. He called.

 

“Toby, Dean here.”

 

“Hey man what’s up?” 

 

“Sam’s running a little behind the clock but he’ll be there.”

 

“Oh okay, no problem, is everything all right?” He asked.

 

“No, we lost one of our Cancer boys last night so y’all cut him some slack today okay?” Dean asked.

 

“No problem man. We can tone it down a bit.”

 

“Ok, later.” Dean told him. Then he was taken aside by Charles.

 

“Please understand no offence is intended, but, well public displays of affection aren’t the going thing in the ward. It’s the same rule for all. I’m sorry.”

 

“Okay, we can suck face just behind closed doors.” Dean said with a ghost of a smile. 

 

Charles smiled reassured and nodded. 

 

After an excellent lunch by Dean’s standards he walked down to the cancer center and checked in with the kids. They’d all heard about Corey and were sad. He went around hugging and soothing the bedbound and then huddling with the ambulatory. They all shared tears of grief and comfort until at last Dean had to leave for the afternoon. He got back to the ward and went immediately to his room and shut himself in. After a while he heard a soft knock at the door.

 

“It’s open.” He called.

 

The door opened and it was housekeeping, they’d come to make the bed and clean up the room. Dean got up and went out leaving her to her duties and walked the hallways. A tall, lean, man walked up beside Dean. He was in a starched lab coat and his name tag said “Phillip Marlowe, MD”

 

Dean chuckled then outright laughed. “You’re a happy one.” Dr. Marlowe said.

 

“No, It’s just I catch the literary reference to your name.” Dean said chuckling still. 

 

“Yeah some of my patients get the connection. I understand you’re a patient of my colleague Julian Carriggan.” He stated.

 

“Yeah we’ve been swapping tales for some time now.” Dean admitted.

 

“Is there anything I can help you with?” They turned the hall and headed back towards Dean’s room where housekeeping was finishing up. 

 

“Actually there is.” Dean said his smile fading. “How do you keep the world off your shoulders?” 

 

“Are you asking me specifically or rhetorically?”

 

“Both I guess.” Dean admitted.

 

“For me I understand that I can’t solve the world’s problems so I work on an individual basis. As to how that would fit for you, well I don’t know you very well; however, I’d have to say that you do the same thing. Quit trying to assume that you are the saviour for the world’s ills. You are not. You can only solve one crisis at a time; last night was the night for your brothers…

 

“Partner…”

 

“Pardon me, your partner’s ordeal and crisis. I’ve heard of the reports from the nurses and the staff physicians that handle the Children’s Cancer Center. They wish that they had 10 more just like you two.”

 

“Don’t know if the world could tolerate that many more of us.” Dean snorted then shook his head, “We’re nothing special.”

 

“You sell yourself short. If you can bring a smile on the face of one of those children you’ve accomplished a miracle for the day. That you end up making so many down there happy at the expense of your own evenings…Dean I understand you started out just three days a week now you’ve moved it up to four, as a physician I’m ordering you to cut it back to three. You two need down time or you’re going to reach a worse burn out point that you’ve already hit.”

 

“How do you know I’m burned out?” Dean asked.

 

“Because we’ve been in here talking for the last 10 minutes, then when you brought up that question and we started talking. Dean, you’ve been crying and you’ve not even been aware of it.”

 

Dean abruptly felt his cheeks and his hand came away wet. He blushed to his roots. 

 

“It’s okay; it’s the stress bleeding off of you. What you need now is some rest. Don’t worry if you miss supper hour, the kitchen can make arrangements for special occasions and I’ll vouch for you this is a special occasion. So take a nap.” Doc Marlowe said standing and showing himself to the door. 

 

Dean took his advice and lay down on the made bed and although he would have argued that he wasn’t sleepy if was only a short time and he was snoring softly. He only slept for an hour waking at 6:00 with Sam curled up behind him on the bed and waking as well. 

 

“Hey handsome.” Sam said.

 

“Bet you tell that that all the guys you wake up in bed with.” Dean joked.

 

“Curses you’ve found out my secret. Must come up with a better line.” Sam returned grinning at him. They kissed then grappled in a fierce struggle of kissing until Dean got up and hung the do not disturb flag on the doorknob and shut the door again. They made out like a couple of teenagers bent to doing the most rapacious things to each other but settled for 69ing just in case. Door card or not he wasn’t about to test his luck.

 

“By the way according to Chuck we gotta cut back on the PDA. Keep it respectable and keep the fooling around behind closed doors.” Dean said when he caught his breath. It was 6:40 when they finished and got themselves pulled together. They went to the common room and made themselves a respectable plate from the sliced ham steaks, and other vegetables and such. There was a new found respect towards them. They weren’t quite treated as a distant third cousin who was there to borrow money, but more as neighbours and one that was pretty well liked.

 

They were there for a while after the official dinner hour was over and after housekeeping came in and cleared up. 

 

“I can remember a few diners we’ve closed out but this is a first.” Sam said with a smile.

 

Dean looked down at his plate a long moment, “How was your day?”

 

“It went good, surprisingly enough, even Delia, the girl that works produce, she was nice to me, that never happens.” Then he looked vacant for a moment and then back at Dean. “You headed them off at the pass didn’t ya?” 

 

Dean smiled slightly. “Thought that considering the circumstances it was only fair.” Sam pulled him into a hug. “Careful, I’m getting soaked with your estrogen.” Dean complained good naturedly. 

 

“Tonight’s our night off from the ward, what do you want to do?” Sam asked. 

 

“You go anything against some private time?” 

 

Sam grinned and took Dean’s hand, “Sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a long time.” They adjourned to their room and was about to hang the red card on the doorknob when Dean saw Dr. Carriggan walk up.

 

“How you got a minute?” Carriggan asked.

 

He went ahead and hung the card on the door and invited the doctor in. 

 

“What’s up?” Dean asked.

 

Carriggan looked at Dean and Sam, and then looked at Dean. “Feeling kind of like Atlas eh?”

 

Dean looked puzzled then Sam filled in, “The Greek God who was punished and ended up having to carry a massive weight on his shoulders. Most depictions are that he is balancing the world.”

 

“Oh yeah, that dude. Marlowe talked?”

 

“We consulted yes,”

 

“I was serious how do YOU deal with this shit.” 

 

“Dean, the best example I can give you is that your brain is a huge filing cabinet, with many drawers, kind of like the way post office boxes are set up. You have a problem come up that you can’t deal with at the moment you stick it a box and lock it away for later.”

 

“Does that always work for you?” Dean asked seriously.

 

“I admit at first it didn’t, but that was because I fought the system, after I began to understand it, I was in a much better position to handle it.”

 

Dean thought about that for a long moment. Then Carriggan looked at them I just want you to know that privacy card is an inviolate sign. If ANY of the staff enter with that on the door that can be suspended, no questions asked. That’s how important we value the individual’s to privacy. But Dean, Sam for this to work, for this program to help you, Sam you need to go home after awhile and leave Dean to face the nights here alone. Dean, you’ve a few creepy crawlies in your psyche we gotta work out, and we will. Just trust me on this.” He stood and made for the door. “Enjoy your evening.” He told them and then left.

 

“He’s right, you know. I really should leave you alone here, but Damnit Dean, I’m so used to having you by my side that this is fucking with my brain.” Sam said concerned.

 

“How do you think it makes me feel? I want you here by my side, I want you with me for everything, but I know that you shouldn’t be that yeah, I’ve got a fucked up brain that needs work.” Dean admitted.

 

Sam leaned forward and kissed him soulfully. When they parted Sam looked at Dean with distinction and noted. “I love you and your fucked up brain. We’re going to get this taken care of I swear. Whatever it takes.”

 

“They embraced in a long hug and kiss falling back on the bed they tumbled and tried to get more of each other, as best as they could. 

 

“You know, I really could use a shower.” Sam said looking Dean in the eye.

 

“I know me too.” Dean responded and they worked together to get each other stripped of their clothing. It was after they were down to skin that Sam looked at Dean seriously for a moment then let it slide.

 

“I know that look; my spidey-sense tells me you’re bugged about something.” Dean told him.

 

“Not really bugged about just thinking. I know you hate politics, but the Supreme Court is convened on a lawsuit to make gay marriage legal in the state.”

 

“And you’re thinking about this, why?” Dean asked guardedly.

 

“Because if there was anyone in the world I’d want to marry I’m standing in front of him.”

 

“You’d be the wife.” Dean said firmly.

 

“We’d be equal partners both husbands.” Sam explained.

 

“You’re still more girly that me…most of the time.” Dean amended. Sam hugged him tightly and then they started to the bathroom. 

 

“Oh wait I almost forgot!” Sam went running over to his discarded jacket and pulled a small bag from a pocket.”

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“Lube!” Sam said proudly.

 

“Come on horny boy and fuck me senseless.” 

 

Afterwards curled up on the bed naked with just the sheet over them they concurred. “Sex is the shower is a bit more strenuous but damn what a workout!” Sam said grinning. 

 

“My ass is raw; I can imagine what it’ll feel like in the morning.” Dean said jokingly. 

 

“I know what you mean. Good thing they have pretty much endless hot water here.” 

 

“I want to stay the night with you, but…” Sam said looking longingly at Dean.

 

“I know, it’s gonna be rough on us, but I think it’ll make us better in the end.” Dean said musing philosophical for a moment.

 

“I love you.” Sam said.

 

“Same here. I just don’t know how to say it all the time like you do.” Dean admitted.

 

“I wouldn’t trade your testosterone pumped self esteem for anything in the world.” Sam said kissing him then he rose and dressed with difficulty as they continued to clinch and kiss through the dressing process. 

 

“Be careful driving home tonight Sammy.” Dean said worriedly.

 

“Huh, what brought that on?” Sam asked him.

 

“Just a feeling, please be careful.” Dean pleaded against his style.

 

“I will babe you know I will.”

 

“Babe” Dean echoed menacingly.

 

“In private yes.” Finally dressed he fell back on the bed in a massive cuddle with Dean. Dean finally slapped at his chest. 

 

“Go, go on, I’m a big boy at sleep away camp, I’ll be fine.” Dean said with love in his eyes. 

 

“Do you want to walk me downstairs?” Sam asked.

 

Dean shook his head violently. “If I do I’ll be out of the program because they’d be no way I could let you go.”

 

“What’s brought all this on?” Sam asked curiously. 

 

Dean shrugged and looked at him. “Don’t know but don’t knock a good thing.” 

 

Sam grinned, “From you never. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.” Dean said clinching the covers to stay put. Sam left moving the privacy card back to the other side of the door with a grin. 

 

After he was gone Dean sat there on the bed looking at the door for a long moment and then sat back a bit further and lay down. He covered his face with his hands and shook his head.

 

“Why am I such a girl lately?” He asked thin air.

 

“Cause you filled more with God’s grace and less with Dean Pride.” A voice said from across the room. Dean’s hands came down and he suddenly sat bolt upright looking at Joshua who was standing there quietly assessing Dean then the room. He tsked disappeared and came back with a gorgeous violet orchid sitting it on Dean’s nightstand. “Room needed something plant like in it. You won’t be here long, but for the time you’re here you will learn a great deal through means other than just talking out your problems.” Joshua sauntered over and sat down in one of the rooms chairs. “God’s grace is working through you prompted by that little boy, Kyle. Oh don’t worry, you ain’t gonna turn into one of them street corner preachers. You’ll eventually return to that hardcore self that you were, but with a bit difference. You’ll be able to feel the good that’s out there and not be faced down with just the bad. And I ain’t saying you oughta immediately start going to church, that’s your choice, but I never been in a cathedral that rivaled God’s green world. So give it some thought.”

 

“So my emotional roller coaster was started with helping out Kyle?” Dean asked.

 

“By easing him into Death’s arms you paved the way for some of that sadness and hardness in your own soul, some of the bitterness too, to be washed out. Oh you’re still the same macho Dean all said and done, you’re so much more, if you let yourself be.”

 

“Shit, I’m just a run of the mill bum who happens to have a way with getting rid of certain creatures.” Dean said self-deprecatingly.

 

“You’re modesty outshines itself. But a little pride never hurt, it’s only when pride consumes does it become a sin.”

 

“What do I need to do?” Dean asked.

 

“Go see your kids.” Joshua suggested. 

 

“But it’s after 8:00, they‘ll be trying to get them to sleep.” Dean mentioned.

 

“Just go down.” Joshua said vanishing. Dean shrugged and stretched then stood up pulling on sweat pants and a tee shirt, then adding a robe for the overall effect he left his room and walked down the hall to the elevators and then down to the Children’s Cancer Center. The nurses had gotten the others settled in except for little Mikey. He was lying on his side crying. A nurse was with him and rubbing his back. Dean walked over and the nurse smiled gratefully and started to get up. 

 

“You be good for Uncle Dean.” She said gripping his arm in a friendly manner as she walked past. Dean sat down on the bedside and the little boy threw himself against Dean crying. Dean rubbed his back just right and soon he settled down. 

 

“Hey sport, what’s all this about?” He asked.

 

“Had a can today and there’s a spot on my lung they wanna look at.” He said through sniffles.

 

“They did the same thing with my kidney; it wasn’t much fun was it?” Dean asked. Brushing the little boys bangs out of his face. 

 

“Un uh.”

 

“But now you’re scared aren’t you?” Dean said.

 

“A little.” He admitted. 

 

“It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to let fear run your life.” Dean said.

 

“Was you ever scared?” Mikey asked yawning now.

 

“Kiddo, I’ve gone up against, vampires, werewolves, and stuff like that, but I have never been as scared as when I went up against cancer. And you want to know a secret?”

 

“Huh?” 

 

“I’m still scared. But I don’t curl up like a roley poley and let the world pass me by. I don’t forget I have friends who are willing to stand with me and to help me through this stuff. You got lots of friends too. Talk to them. And you know you got me and Uncle Sam.”

 

“Uh huh I know.” He said yawning again. Dean stood and tucked him into bed, then gave him a good night kiss on the forehead. 

 

“And behave for the nurses. They’re here to help you.”

 

“Okay.” And the little eyes slid shut

 

Dean got up to leave and the nurse stopped him at the station. “It was the answer to a prayer that you came down this evening. He got the news about 5:00 this afternoon. He’s been up and down ever since; mostly he’s tried to hide it.”

 

“Sounds like him.” Dean said with a grin. “Well I’m going to head back up. Good night.”

 

“Night Dean, you and Sam take care.”

 

Dean made his way back up to the ward, then he went into his room and opened one of his O’Doul’s and sat back. He thought about that last half hours work and smiled to himself. He was good at this, maybe not really great but with some kids he just had a natural rapport. He sat up for a while longer then undressed and crawled into bed. It was 10:30 when he slipped into sleep. He slept through the night, rising with the soft sound of the morning gong.

 

He rose and showered, then stepped into the room drying his hair when he heard a throat clear, he went on instant alert until he saw that it was Sam. He reached out and grabbed him in a huge hug kissing him soundly.

 

“Don’t know what I did to deserve that but I’ll try to do it again sometime.” Sam said jokingly.

 

“Shut up and just come here for a minute.” Dean said hugging his fiercely. Then he finally pulled back. “You here for breakfast?” 

 

“Nah, I already ate, gotta go in early, truck day. But I wanted to come by and check up on ya and see how you were doing.”

 

“Saw Mikey last night, Docs found a spot on his lung yesterday. He was a little tore up about that.”

 

“I take it Unca Dean made it all better.” Sam said fondly. 

 

“I worked at it.”

 

“Look I gotta get going, but I’ll see you today at Lunch okay?” Sam offered. They kissed with great relish. Then Sam and Dean walked out into the hall and down to the common area. Dean then walked him around to the elevator bank and waited with him until his car arrived. They kissed again and parted company for the morning.

 

Dean skipped some of the morning activities to go down to the center to check in on the kids. They were all up and playing at one thing then another, Dean stayed in the background persistently trying to go unnoticed. He did see that Mikey was surrounded by some playmates and they were having a good time. He spoke for a moment with one of the nurses then walked into the ward. He walked around and saw the bed bound first or course, then got to the groups of kids that were playing on X-Box and in the game area. He stayed there for most of the morning finally smiling and nearly running back to the ward filled with good spirit. He ran into Dr. Carriggan having just wrapped up nearly all his morning calls he saw Dean in good humour. 

 

“You’re looking spry.” Carriggan commented.

 

“Spent the morning with the kids.” 

 

“Good we got a session this afternoon at 5:00 just before Supper and then Evening Group.” 

 

“I know doc, I’ll be here.” Dean said happily.


	33. Chapter 33

A week had passed without further disturbances. Dean was greeted in the mornings by Sam, a couple of nights Sam stayed late. And they quickly found out that the best way to silent a vocal partner was with a kiss. 

 

Dean learned quite a bit about himself and others as well it was coming up day 10, his last day and he was a little excited, somewhat apprehensive about leaving. It would put him out of touch with his kids who might need him immediately so he would have to have a long chat with them about that. It would disconnect connections he’d made with Dr. Marlowe and Dr. Pfizer as well although they’d passed their summaries on to Dr. Carriggan who just happened to be sitting across from Dean in his room both of them sipping on an O’Doul’s. 

 

“I’m going to be such a cheap date when I get out of here.” Dean commented with a bit of a grin.

 

“How do you figure?” Carriggan asked interested.

 

“I haven’t had any alcohol for a week, and yeah it made me a little buggy to start with I handled the lack okay. But I want a beer, a real beer, alcohol and all, maybe two of them. And as soon as I get out of here Sam is going to take me on a dinner date and we are going to celebrate the new me.” He said proudly.

 

“Still cocky as ever.” Carriggan said with a laugh.

 

“Would be normal otherwise. No, I’ve discovered that the me I was just thinking was submerged by this massive girl syndrome actually was the discovery of my feelings. I got to tell you that’s been a trip, I’ve always been the tough, macho type who didn’t take shit off no one, would give shit in a heartbeat, and is a marshmallow around kids. But now well, maybe it’s cool to have feelings. I’ve still a bit of a trog in groups.”

 

“Beg pardon, a what?” Carriggan asked.

 

“A trog, troglodyte, cave man. I went to group, you led some of them and I’d sit and listen but contribute, rare at that. It’s just not me.”

 

“Dean, the point of the program is to help you identify areas in which you’re deficient or well defective in. It’s not the be all end all program that a lot of folk expect it to be, at least that’s my perception. But it’s a program to get you to start thinking about yourself. It is also not to pigeonhole your emotions into girl or boy moments. What did you discover about yourself that was useful?” 

 

Dean thought for a long moment. “Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason and I realize that’s my depression kicking in, so I take a moment and take a breath trying to ferret out what’s causing me to feel this way. And sometimes I get angry at the drop of a hat; again, I stop, take a breath and try to discover what’s wrong.”

 

“Self-examination, this is a good thing, but also remember that it’s not always a bad thing to express your emotions, in fact it’s a helpful thing from time to time. You just gotta know when and where to express those emotions.”

 

“I’ve also discovered what I knew all along and that is that Sam is really my better half, he helps to balance me emotionally and physically as well sometimes. I’ve learned to appreciate him more and use him less, much less.” Dean noted.

 

Carriggan nodded approvingly. “So you would say that this has been a successful week for you?” 

 

“It’s been totally different from anything I could imagine. By the way I heard that Sam checked out the two cases of persons being haunted and did find a ghost at one house that he had to dispatch. The other was an old house that was settling. After 100 years the old girl decided to rest her bones as a result the house would moan or groan at a person.”

 

“Good, that’s good to know; at least it gives me some added data to go with on my next one to one with them. So you want to check out before the dinner hour?”

 

“Yeah, Sam’s going to be by and pick me up at front door at six. So I’d like to do the checkout process at 5:00 if we can.”

 

“Sure, that’s not a problem. You want to join me for the afternoon group to say goodbye?” 

 

“I think I will there several here that we’ve become kinda buddies.” Then his brow creased slightly. “My job this morning after our session is me going to tell the kids that I’m checking out today. But to let them know that I’m not disconnecting myself from them.”

 

“Good they’ll need that assurance. Well you have come a step in the right direction, now to apply what you’ve learned.” Carriggan said standing. “I won’t keep you any longer from your kids, although I would like to come down sometime and watch you and Sam interact with them.” 

 

“Anytime doc.” Dean said as the doctor made his goodbyes for the time being. Then Dean went over to the cancer center and got in the middle of the room where everyone could hear him good. 

 

“Today’s my last day in the hospital as a patient. The doctor’s fixed my head, with the aid of a hammer and chisel.” He laughed which got some of the younger ones laughing as well. “I’ve loved being right here where I can come down at a moment’s notice when you are having bad times. The fact that I’m better and leaving the hospital does NOT mean that I’m leaving you. Uncle Sammy and me will be around just like normal, I promise. It’s been a riot to be able to come down here at a moment’s notice to be with you, I’ll just have to get used to getting back on my other schedule.”

 

“Uncle Dean…will you be here when they…” Mikey was asking something important but his lip started quivering. 

 

Taking him into his lap he hugged him. “I will do my best, you know, to be here for every important event. I want to be here especially when one of you has to have surgery and I’ll try to be. But will it be all right if sometimes I’m a little late getting here?” He asked.

 

There were little nods around the room. 

 

“Now I guess you all want a story don’t you?” There was a crow of assent at that from all the kids. So Dean immediately went into story telling mode with one of their more exciting hunts. He gave it all he had. Saying goodbyes this time was tremendously bittersweet and soon all of them were crying but he got them under control with his promise to return as often as he could.

 

Five came and he was checking out, processing his insurance paperwork, and writing the last check, well swiping his card one more time for the balance the insurance wouldn’t cover. Then he was sitting waiting with baited breath at the door way his kit bag by his ankle as he looked and listened for the Impala. 

 

“Hey Sailor, looking for a good time.” A voice asked from behind him and he spun into Sam’s arms. They hugged and kissed fiercely. “I’ve missed you so much.”

 

“How much?” Dean asked.

 

“Enough that I’d drop to my knees and show you and probably get us both arrested to exposure.” He laughed. “Come on, I parked around to the side to surprise you.” Dean grabbed up his kit bag and walked shoulder to shoulder with him. “I’ve got us reservations for 7:00 at Andres.” 

 

“Andres eh?” Dean laughed. “And just how much do I have to put out for that?” Dean asked roguishly. 

 

“We’ll figure that out later, as it is I’m off tomorrow.” 

 

They were out the side door and Dean could see his baby in the distance. 

 

“So tonight I’m going to get fucked silly?” Dean asked.

 

“I’ve made mental notes of the positions we’re going to try tonight. Just hope you’re up for it old man.” Sam joked.

 

“I got your old man.” Dean returned the joke.

 

Sam threw and arm around his shoulders and hugged him tightly as they walked. Dean melted into the hug. 

 

“I’ve missed this.” Dean said.

 

“You don’t think it’s too girly?” Sam asked.

 

“Shut up and walk.” Dean said jabbing at his ribs.

 

Their next appointment together with Dr. Carriggan was a week later and they walked to the office all kinds of smile and happiness. 

 

They sat down on the couch together as Carriggan eased the door closed.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two look so relaxed.” 

 

“Should’ve been a fly on the wall last night, we did things that’s to make the paint peel, in our bedroom.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“Really?” Carriggan said. “Well a good sex life is an indication of how life in general is going. So for your two I would have to say it’s going great.”

 

“I took advantage of my downtime from the construction gig and went over to Dearborn to an adult shop I know of over there and did a little shopping. We have a few new toys to play with.” Dean said smiling.

 

“Yeah our sex life has gone back to what it was in our 20’s, and life in the house, even with Bobby around to rouse up now and then, it’s fantastic. There’s so much more to do now. “

 

“Careful Sammy, you’re sweatin’ estrogen again.” Dean griped with a hidden smile.

 

“I’m gonna bottle it dude, then spray it around the house just for you.” Sam shot back.

 

“Sounds like you don’t need me anymore.” Carriggan said with a laugh.

 

“Don’t go there doc. I’m better; I’m a long way from cured.” Dean said seriously.

 

“Dean even I have to kick the fledglings out of the nest sometime, but rest assured, should you ever need me, should either of you ever need me I’m just a phone call away.”

 

“This scares me a little doc.” Dean admitted. “After all it was Sam who talked me into this, now it’s doing such great things for me…”

 

“Dean, stretch your wings and fly for a while. You might find you enjoy it.”

 

“I’ll try doc, I really will try.” Dean told him as they all got up to leave.


	34. Chapter 34

SUPERNATURAL Doctor’s Visit 34

 

Dr. Carriggan was a bit surprised at getting the call, but expected something like this sooner or later only he didn’t expect it with the person that was doing the calling. And the fact that it was six months later in June made it interesting as well.

 

“Dr. Carriggan! Dean Winchester.”

 

“Dean what’s up?” 

 

“Sorry to bug ya, but it’s Sam. We were chilling out watching Hellraiser and he freaked. He’s in the bedroom huddled in the corner speaking gibberish. I can’t understand one word in a dozen he’s saying.

 

“Have you called 911?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Not yet.” 

 

“Then hang up on me and dial them. I’ll meet you at ER.” 

 

“Ok Doc thanks.”

 

Dean makes the call to emergency services as is not surprisingly agitated with them and finally gets an ambulance dispatched. He hangs up immediately and goes over to huddle next to Sam who’s still staring straight ahead now, twitching every now and then but a frozen tableau. Dean manages to get him coaxed onto the bed and he works to try and relax him when he hears the sound of the ambulance outside. He lets them in and immediately gets out of the way for a change to let them work. The first thing they do is a quick once over then ascertaining that he is semi-comatose at the moment move him to the gurney and get him strapped down. 

 

“Riding with or following?” The tech asked.

 

“With” Dean said immediately hopping in the shotgun seat of the ambulance while the tech busies himself in the back taking vitals, and starting an IV butterfly just in case. He notes that Sam is twitching now and then, so he preps a needle with Ativan and injects it into the IV stick. Then he follows that up with hanging a bag of fluid to help keep Sam hydrated.

 

The ride in is quiet as Sam is not in any immediate danger to himself or others until at one point his eyes roll back and he passes out and stops breathing. They are 15 minutes out from the hospital and are now full sirens as the tech starts to work on Sam with an ampu-bag and hooking him up to an EKG device. He does have a pulse so in that the tech is relieved and finally Sam coughs one and then twice, the tech switches the ampu-bag out for an oxygen mask. Sam is still staring straight ahead his eyes tracking nothing for the moment.

 

They pull into the hospital and immediately get him into treatment while Dean is left with the unenviable task of filling out the paperwork. Dean gave them his insurance card and told them to pull the data up on Sam from files he was going back. However a stern security guard prevented that.

 

“Look that’s my brother and my partner back there, I’m going back.” Dean said angrily.

 

“You’re not going anywhere son, just pipe down until you’re called for.”

 

Dean stormed back over to the counter grabbed up the insurance card and was told to take a seat. He took a seat and took out his cell phone and made a quick call.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Doc Carriggan, sorry to call your cell but the fuckers won’t let me back.”

 

“It’s handled.” Dr. Carriggan said brusquely. He wasn’t sure what was said but a nurse came quickly out of the back and beckoned for Dean. Dean walked by the guard and quietly said, “bite me.” 

 

Back in the treatment room he saw his brother in an entirely new light with oxygen hooked up along with an IV. 

 

“What exactly were you two doing?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Watching Hellraiser, the original cut, it was during one of the scenes about midway through when pinhead goes after some geek and Sam suddenly stiffened. The scene was a rack device in the background. I killed it right then but it was too late. He was up and running into the bedroom and he curled up into a ball where I found him. He was mutter what sounded like latin to me but I only understood maybe one in ten words. I heard “Diaboli” and “Infernos” quite a bit, and …” 

 

That seemed like a trigger as Sam started talking rapid fire. The doctor pulled the oxygen mask off and listened for a moment getting the line which was repeated.

 

“He keeps reciting the first part of the Hail Mary in Latin, then he lapsed and said, “The son of perdition is torturing the souls of the damned. Do you…” then he looked around the room. He looked at the nurses and techs. “Out, I need some privacy here.” Once they were outside he looked at Dean. “I can help him only if I know what he’s talking about.” 

 

Suddenly he started screaming and shouting “The flames, please stop the flames.” 

 

“That does it.” He turned to the door and called the nurse, “get me 10cc of Thorazine stat.” He looked at Dean. “Trust me, it’ll just knock him out for a while and that’s what he needs right now to recuperate.” When it arrived he injected the medication in to the like and Sam quit raving and settled down then fell asleep. 

 

“We’ve got a room lined up for him doc.” The charge nurse said looking in.

 

“Good get him up there immediately.” Carriggan ordered, then to Dean, “Don’t worry it’s not a secured ward, but it is a ward where I and my colleagues treat some of our more unsettled patients. He will not be abused, drugged other than his usual medication, ‘quieted down’, and other unsavoury aspects Hollywood has so gloriously decorated our screens with. He’ll be where I can work with him for a few days.

 

Two orderlies stepped in and took the bed and IV tree and headed towards the door. Carriggan looked at Dean who was getting ready to follow. “Come on, you and I need to have a long chat.” They followed the orderlies and were soon on a ward one down from the one Sam had stayed in. After getting him settled in Carriggan took one chair while Dean sat on the bed with Sam. 

 

“Start talking.” Carriggan ordered.

 

“What?” Dean started.

 

“You’ve been alluding to an event for months now. It’s time you told me the truth.” Carriggan said.

 

Dean sighed deeply and nodded. He started the tale that began with Sam running off with Ruby to Sam falling into the cage. When he’d finished he was a little hoarse from the talking. Carriggan looked at him for a long moment. Two hours had passed Sam was still blissfully out of it.

 

“Coming from anyone else, I would have knocked your ass out and put you in long care treatment. “ Then he sighed. “But I know you, moreover I know at least one of the friends you have is on a whole different level from myself or you. Ok, so he had a wall in his brain that held back the nastiness but now the wall is gone.”

 

“Yeah.” Dean said getting a drink of water from the bedside pitcher. 

 

“Is there anyone you can call on to restore that wall?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“There is one person though I don’t know if he’s taking calls from me.” Dean said.

 

“That would be?”

 

“Michael.” Dean replied.

 

They looked at Sam who was in the throes now of a nightmare. Dean whipped around and tried to sooth him. 

 

“CASTIEL” Dean said directly.

 

It was some moments but the angel appeared.

 

“Yes Dean, doctor.” Castiel said turning his full attention on Dean.

 

“Something’s tripped the memories. You started this and said that you would try to repair the damage.” Dean said sharply.

 

“I did. But my abilities to handle this size of a job are considerably reduced.” Castiel replied.

 

“What about Michael?” Dean asked.

 

“I’ll try.” Castiel said sitting in the other chair and suddenly looking defocused for the moment. Then Michael appeared in the room looking slightly put out.

“Your interference is costing us dear.” Michael told Castiel abruptly. He walked over to the bed. 

 

“What can I do?” Dean pleaded.

 

“YOU can do nothing. Let me see what we have to work with here.” He placed hands on Sam’s head and concentrated a moment. Then he whirled on Castiel.

 

“I did it to try and stop their interference with the situation with Purgatory.”

 

“We are going to have a chat about this later.” Then he turned to Dean. “I can do this but it’s going to require something from you.” 

 

“Anything.” Dean said desperately. 

 

He looked at Carriggan now. “Perhaps it would be better if you waited outside.” Michael suggested.

 

“I’ve already come this far with them.” Carriggan said.

 

“Yes you’re a good man, just keep in mind what I do is for the health of the soul.” Michael turned his attention to Dean. “I need to touch your soul and Sam’s at the same moment. “ 

 

“The hand in the gut thing?” Dean asked paling.

 

“Nothing as drastic this time. But part of your soul will be transferred to Sam to rebuild the wall.” Michael nodded. “Lie down next to Sam.”

 

It took a few moments of moving Sam over enough to accommodate two in the bed, but it was managed. Dean stretched out next to Sam. Michael walked over the laid his hand on each ones chest. His hands glowed with a blinding white light for a moment. Then a bolt shot between the hands. Sam gasped and arced up on the bed. The bolted continued for a few seconds and then ceased. Then Michael turned to Castiel. Castiel caught the silent command and rose from the bed. He then walked over to Carriggan and ran a finger across his forehead causing doctor to nod off in his chair.

 

“What’d you do?” Dean asked.

 

“Wiped the fact that Castiel and I were here and that anything happened such as the soul transference. You’ll feel better shortly. Don’t move around for a while.” Then Castiel and Michael vanished. 

 

It was a short few more moments that Carriggan roused himself. “Sorry about that, I guess I must’ve dozed off for a moment. Quite unintentional.” He got up and walked around to check Sam over and found that he was sleeping peacefully. 

 

“Doc, can we be released tomorrow?” Dean asked.

 

“I really want to hold Sam over a day and make sure that this seizure was just a onetime thing. But there’s no reason he can’t go home tomorrow evening.” Carriggan noted. 

 

“Thanks doc.” 

 

“No problem, get some rest.” Carriggan ordered as he left. 

 

Once the door closed Dean snuggled in with an arm across Sam’s chest then the scent of Sam and the feeling of his brother lulled him into sleep. They slept through the night and woke at their usual time of 6:00 the next morning. Sam looked around the room. Then at Dean who was just waking.

 

“Uh Dean?” Sam asked waking more.

 

“Hey kiddo. How you feeling?” Dean asked.

 

“A bit groggy but okay. Why am I in a hospital bed and hooked to an IV?” Sam asked

 

“You don’t remember yesterday.”

 

“We were watching a movie, then I woke up here.” Sam said.

 

“The memories came back, you had a flashback to the cage.” 

 

“Oh I did?” Sam asked.

 

“Yeah, and it was a bad one.” 

 

Dean spent the next couple of hours describing in loose details exactly what had happened with the exception of going into detail about what it was in the movie that freaked Sam out so bad. He made it so definite a point that Sam immediately tried to lead him back to it.

 

“No Sam. Going there’s no good for you, just leave it be, please.” Dean begged.

 

Sam subsided. The looked around a moment, I don’t suppose there’s a chance of me getting out of bed. I gotta pee bad man.”

 

Dean nodded and went around helping him out of the bed and pulling the IV tree along got him into the bathroom. Afterward as he was washing up he looked at Dean. “Where exactly in the hospital am I?”

 

“You’re in a wing that’s sort of a step up from the one I was in.” Dean admitted ruefully. 

 

“Shit” Was Sam’s evaluation of the event. “Just when I thought things were finally going to turn good.”

 

“Look you’ll be out this evening, I called in for ya while you were peeing. It’s all took care of. I promise.” Dean told him with Sam visibly relaxing. He got into bed just as they were coming around with the breakfast trays. Sam looked at the breakfast with a rapidly waning appetite and Dean taking the hint nodded.

 

“I’ll go down and see if the cafeteria does breakfast sandwiches. Be right back.” While Dean was gone Dr. Carriggan entered making an early round of his hospital patients.

 

“You’re looking much better.” He commented.

“That was a bad one.” Sam admitted.

 

“Are you prone to these episodes?” Carriggan asked curiously.

 

“Not as bad as I used to have them.” Sam noted.

 

“How often?”

 

“This is the first episode in 3 months. Last one knocked me out for a little while but it wasn’t anything major.”

 

“You may think this is excessive but I would really like to get an MRI done of your brain this morning. Just so I can rule out the possibility of something putting pressure on a part of the brain.” Carriggan said.

 

Sam looked dubious a moment and then nodded slowly. “You think there might be some correlation between these spells and something in my brain?”

 

“It’s not unusual and it doesn’t have to be something malignant, it can be something as simple as a pouch of fluid that has built up in a particular area. The brain is still largely an undiscovered country for all of us.”

 

“You get to do your MRI, but I get to go home this evening.” Sam bargained.

 

“Agreed. I really don’t have a reason to hold you over. However IF, and that is a BIG if, the scan does turn up something I’m going to refer you to a Neurologist friend of mine who might be in a better position to help you take care of the worst of this. Sam I want this under control.”

 

“So do I, but at the same time, I’m getting mighty nervous being in hospital.” 

 

“I’m gonna write you a prescription for Lorazepam, a low dosage, the stuff can be habit forming, basically it’s tablet form of Ativan. Sam I know you tough things out, I get it, that’s part of the Winchester heritage, but follow my advice and don’t try to tough this out. It’ll outlast you and do more harm.”

 

Just then the door opened and Dean came in brandishing two Styrofoam cartons. He saw Carriggan and nodded politely. 

 

“Oh good you went down and got him a proper breakfast. They do the other meals up pretty good but they still suck at breakfasts.” Carriggan looked at him a moment and nodded. “I’ll call the lab to set up the MRI. We’ll get that done as soon as there is an opening. But you’ll be out of here by 6:00 this evening, promise.” Carriggan nodded to them both and left.

 

Sam quickly snatched his box and opened it to find a vegetarian omelet with a side of hash browns. Dean even brought them two large juices up. 

 

“What was all that about?” Dean asked.

 

“He wants to run an MRI to rule out the possibility of something pressing on my brain causing these blackouts. I agreed as I really didn’t have a reason not to. We’ve already told him too much, much more and well, we may have to move on.” 

 

“Yeah, I kinda like it here too. Okay, we let them do their scan then we are the fuck out of here.” Dean agreed.

 

The morning passed slowly for them, Sam checked in at the store and apparently it hadn’t fallen down around their ears with his absence. Dean checked in with his foreman and there was still nothing on the books so they could enjoy their time off a little longer. And it became apparent that the cable TV they had in the hospital was basic and very unappetizing. So they settled for getting permission for Sam to shower, which meant disconnecting the IV. Then he and Dean enjoyed a bracingly hot shower of course they couldn’t shower without some playtime and they made use of that playtime to the best of their ability.

 

Sam was exceedingly relaxed when Dean helped him back to bed. The nurse checked the IV and then checked doctor’s orders and disconnected it permanently. He lay on his side as that was the only way he could fit his 6’5” frame into a standard hospital bed. It wasn’t long before he was dozing. Dean kept watch and at 1:30 after Lunch had been served they came to take Sam down to the imaging center. For this they used a wheel chair since he was abulatory. Dean was told he may as well cool his heels in the room, it would be about an hour and a half. 

 

It actually turned into two hours before they got him back to bed. Carriggan’s orders were simple as soon as he was imaged he would be dismissed. So Sam gratefully dressed in the street clothes that he’d worn in and was soon in the offices processing insurance information and getting ready to be released. It was a happy Sam that waited in the front of the hospital with Dean for a Taxi. They immediately were whisked away home and there, they kicked back with a beer each and just relaxed. They made a few more phone calls, one of which was slightly painful to the ears.

 

“Hello?” The churlish voice said.

 

“Bobby it’s Dean.” 

 

“Dean who?” Bobby said distinctly put out.

 

“Come on Bobby, I know we’ve screwed the pooch about calling you but we’ve been just a touch busy.”

 

“That’s what they call it now. In my day it was called being lazy.” Bobby said not relenting.

 

“Sam just got out of hospital man, cut us a little slack.” Dean griped.

 

“What was he doing IN the hospital?” Bobby asked his tone immediately changing.

 

“Remember what happened when Cas broke down the wall, you know when he thought that that would slow us down for the Purgatory Finals.”

 

“Yeah and I remember that it took us about two months and some calls around the country to round up parts to get your baby back in pristine shape.”

“Yeah I didn’t exactly count on that to do that much damage either. Ok, what we do know is that the event was same as last time with a twist. Sam started going off in some Latin that I’d never heard but which miraculously Carriggan immediately translated. So we got that to go with.”

 

“What did he say?” Bobby asked.

 

Dean pulled a scrap of paper from his pants, “Hold on, I’m having to dig this out, I wrote it down just to be sure. Here it is, “The Son of Perdition is torturing the souls of the damned.” Bobby if this is anywhere close to right it means that Lucifer has some offspring that right now are satisfied with playing with the racks.”

 

“But could take an interest in you two.” Bobby finished.

 

“Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

“Me too boy.” Bobby seemed lost in thought for a moment, then, “Carry hex bags. I’ll be over there in two days to help you demon-proof that house.”

 

“We’ve already got wards in place.” Dean said.

 

“That for your run of the mill demon we’re talking about some heavy mojo here.”

 

“Okay, what about those tats that we got they’ll help won’t they?” 

 

“Won’t hurt, I’m going to email you a copy of one I got that you might want to serious consider having done. And putting a little holy water in the ink pot wouldn’t hurt.”

 

“Okay, we’ll go tattoo artist shopping as soon as we get the design.”

 

“Good. Damn I knew it was getting too quiet.” Bobby said.

 

It was about an hour later that the image came through. They looked it over and printed it out, saving it as well to a flashdrive. Then they started surfing the phone book looking for reputable tattoo artists who might be open to a little strangeness. The next hour was spent making phone calls until they finally found an artist, Dave Halligran who operated a shop on Fairfax. Taking a flask of holy water they got the flashdrive up and on their way out the door Dean turned to Sam, concern plain on his face.

 

“Are you up for this?” He asked.

 

“Let’s go we’re wasting time we don’t have to fuck around with. Thank God when you did the last paint job on the Impala you thinned the paint with holy water.” Sam chuffed. 

 

They jogged quickly to the car and hopped in and in 35 minutes they were parallel parking in front of a rather dingy looking tattoo parlour. They looked at each other and entered the building where it was like walking into another world. The interior was ultra modern, highly clean, a better shop than they were actually expecting.

 

“You got the art?” Dave asked. Sam handed him the flash drive and he pulled open the image file. He whistled a little bit. “Both of you?” He asked.

 

“Yeah and we need it done today, can you handle this?” Dean asked.

 

“I’ll do you, and you” he pointed to Sam will be seeing Ruth Ann. She’s a sweet little thing from Alabama but don’t let that fool you, she’s hell with a needle.” He pressed a buzzer and a well shaped young lady came out from the back. 

 

“What’s up sweetie?” 

 

“Got a special order.” He showed her the glyph. 

 

“Wow! Cistercian. What about 600 AD?” She asked. Sam about melted. Dave ran two copies of the glyph out in the transfer paper and then looked at Ruth Ann. “So which one do I get?” She said sizing them up.” 

 

“Me.” Sam said politely. 

 

“Watch yourself lady he’s a geek as well.” Dean warned and they all shared a laugh. 

 

“Bring your black ink into my area a moment we gotta add a secret ingredient.” Dave said conspiratorally.

 

“Ooh what’s that?” She asked.

 

“Holy water.” Dave said. Ruth Ann stopped. 

 

“What you boys running from?” She asked concerned.

 

“It’s more like what might be hunting us. We just want some protection.” Sam answered.

 

“You got it sweetie, come on back.” 

 

They got ready for the task, Dave did mix the holy water with the ink at least some of the holy water then filled up his pen. 

 

“Where’s this going?” He asked.

 

“Left Pec.” Dean said quickly. 

 

“You hear that Ruth Ann!” Dave called, 

 

“No problem, my studs already set up for me. I’m ready to rock and roll.” She said with a grin.

 

After transferring the image to their skin and letting that dry they got their needles ready and then came the tattooing. The glyph looked vaguely Celtic in origin is a little bit of a hard edge to the sworls and pattern. It was a stylized 9 point star surrounded by writing in an ancient hand. The whole of the work took just over two and a half hours including breaks for the artists. When they were done and patched. They paid for the privilege and got out. 

 

“Damn that’s gonna hurt later on.” Dean complained gingerly touching his chest. “Oww, shit.” He hissed drawing back 

 

“We get home and have a couple of beers and it’ll be cool.” Sam noted.

 

“It’s gonna take more than a couple to kill this pain.” Dean griped.

 

“What you going girly on me?” Sam asked getting a middle finger back for his trouble. 

 

“No but I got a little more muscle mass in the man titties than you do.” Dean noted. “Plus he bore down with that needle.” 

 

“So did Ruth Ann, come to think of it. Makes me wonder if they’ve done work for other hunters?” Sam said.

 

Dean nodded as he threaded carefully through traffic and was soon enough pulling into their driveway. They got inside to find Castiel there already.

 

“Good you’re back, you got the glyphs?” He asked.

 

“Yeah we got em.” Sam said pulling his left arm out a little bit. 

 

“The Enochian runes on your ribs will protect you for a while, the glyphs will help.”

 

“Did you know about Lucifer having a whelp?” Dean asked.

 

“It was rumoured.” He told Dean who nodded solemnly. 

 

“Rumoured. From what I’ve seen it’s fact. “ Dean responded.

 

They settled back with Castiel touching each over the tattoo. There was a coolness to the skin then the pain was gone. 

 

“They’ve been blessed as well. Dean these tattoos cannot be breached. Someone can slice across you with a knife where these are and the blade will break. These are powerful ancient shields. 

 

“I swear Cas we weren’t looking for anything superhuman when we got these, just something to keep ourselves protected.” Sam interjected. 

 

“Sam, Zachariah couldn’t attack you with these shields in place.” 

 

“Shame we didn’t know about this one sooner.” 

 

“You discovered them when you needed them. The son of Lucifer is not bound in the cage but is a figurative son, the chief demon and king of Hell.”

 

“CROWLEY!” Dean and Sam said in unison.

 

“That would be my guess.”

 

“Do you know where his REAL bones are hidden?” Dean asked. Castiel flushed scarlet. 

 

“I’m sorry, but he has hidden them very well. I’ve been unable to locate them.” Castiel admitted shamed. Castiel had been working hard to re-earn the trust that he one time had been given my Sam and Dean. Of course it was a two way street, however, Sam and Dean did not take on the millions of souls in purgatory as personal power to elevate himself to a faux God. There was some chafing still on that count, but they’d agreed months back not to use that as a weapon in a debate. 

 

Now they were faced with an awesome prospect, Crowley tormenting souls on the rack but for what reason, he was above that as the king of hell. There simply HAD to be an alternative answer to the situation. 

 

“We could summon him.” Dean ventured.

 

“Absolutely not!” Castiel countered which drew a glance from Dean. “First of all he would be repelled by those tattoos, second he would know you know that something was amiss and would immediately react and his reaction may have national or world consequences. It would not be past him to do this. Give me another chance to find the bones.”

 

“Don’t fuck with us this time. Be careful.” Dean commented.

 

“Like a mouse in a room filled with cats.” Castiel returned as he vanished.

 

“You nervous?” Sam asked.

 

“Is the Pope, Catholic?” Dean said.


	35. Chapter 35

Hi guys and gals! This is more of a progress report than anything else. So I'm stepping in to progress. :) Seriously, if I can manage that, I'm carrying this story to 49 chapters so yeah we're winding, up. I'm working on ideas of where to take them next. But I wanted to try pushing their hot buttons and pushing them to the limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've been meaning to try and yes break the guys. Why, for kicks and giggles, NO! Please No! I'm doing this to show their resilency and tenacity and the fact that they can cope with a normal life for a while. I've been trying to pace this with real world events especially with regards to the same-sex marriage issue in New Jersey, may that come to pass soon. 

 

Overall I've had a helluva ride with this story, there's been a lot of good times, a few maybe not so good, but over all it's been a roller coaster. It's been fun, stressful, anguishing and angering, headtripping type of story writing and I've had a blast bringing them to life in this manner. Who knows what they will end up doing next in my fertile mind? Or what tangent I can take them on next. 

 

I'm having a ball writing them, I hope that you in turn are having a good time reading them. If you would like to toss a story prompt my way shoot me a line at daibhi @ comcast.net I will be glad to converse with you on this.

 

Thank you so much for hanging around with me on this and reading. I hope not to disappoint, but to entertain. And yes a little of me comes through in my writing, but I think that's true of all authors. 

 

Thanks for giving me the chance to step into the middle of this and give you an update, and a bit of rambling from my mental graveyard. :) 

 

Have a great time reading and writing!

 

Daibhi


	36. Chapter 35 for real!

Three days had passed and Doctor Carriggan’s office did call. The MRI of Sam’s brain came back normal for which Sam, Dean & Bobby, breathed a silent prayer of thanks. The nurse did however tell them that the doctor wanted to see that that afternoon if possible at 2:00. It was 11:00 when his office called Sam on his cell and he was prepping for the Lunch rush so they reset the appointment for the following Tuesday at 9:00. Apparently there was something that the doctor wanted to discuss with Sam regarding what he found in the MRI compared to the severity of the seizure. 

 

Somewhere in the middle of all their happiness, Castiel showed up at their apartment dragging Crowley by the collar.

 

“Mate, you want to mind out, this shirt costs more than that fucking slicker you’re wearing.” Crowley groused then straightened himself up and looked at Dean and Sam. “Oh bugger all. You didn’t tell me you were bringing me to the sunshine boys!”

 

“You didn’t ask.” Castiel countered roughly. “Tell them”

 

“What if I said no?” Crowley shot back at him.

 

Castiels hand shot out and grabbed Crowley by the neck and his hand started to glow white. “What if I feel like doing worse than smiting you. You think I’ve been stripped of all that power? Think again. I don’t need your bones now.”

 

“Easy on laddie, I was just having you on. Yes I’m flaying some souls on the rack.” He admitted.

 

“Why?” Castiel growled. “The glow intensifying and obviously causing some discomfort to Crowley.

 

“God-damn-you.” He blared. “I am looking for chinks in the armour. Just because I was defeated once…I’ve got a reputation you ken?” His said his agitation forcing him to revert to his native tongue.

 

“We’ve had this discussion once, don’t make me repeat myself.” Castiel said releasing the demon who immediately vanished in a cloud of sulfur.

 

“Oh you did upset him to make an unclean getaway like that.” Sam said smiling. “Good shade job you ran on him as well.”

 

“Being around you two has taught me a great many things, one of which is how to lie without it actually being a lie.” Castiel said calmly now. “So now you know he is looking for places to attack you two again. I’m in a disadvantaged position at the moment so be very careful.”

 

“Like mice.” Sam replied. 

 

Dean looked on, “So we need to double the guard on the house?” He said.

 

“That would be advisable. You have a circle of friends, test them if you have to, to make sure that you’re not being deceived.” Castiel advised further.

 

“Shit, here we go back to trusting no one but each other.” Dean griped. 

 

Sam nodded then settled back looking at Castiel. “So, what about you? You’re going to need protection as well.”

 

“I’m going to talk to a couple of higher ranked angels about that, perhaps to Joshua. This time there can be no mistakes.” Castiel said vanishing.

 

The subsequent four days went by in pretty much a normal pace, they were settled now and happy, the apple pie lifestyle seemed to agree with them. Even Sam who was always the gung ho one to get on the hunts seemed to be less stressed and more ready for a quiet end of the day. So that next Tuesday when they reported to Dr. Carriggan’s office they were settled and less stressed but charged up for a change. 

 

He commented on this first off when he saw them. “Have you been taking a happy pill guys. You both look like you’ve just come off a six week cruise.” 

 

“No, just getting in a pattern. We go Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays to see our kids, unless we get a call from the ward. We are both working first shifts now so that we can meet for Lunch most days, except when we’re on site.” Dean noted. “We see each other for dinner, and get to spend four other evenings out of the week on ourselves. We have a circle of friends in our workplaces we hang out with from time to time. But we’re relaxed for once in our misspent lives.”

 

“How do you feel about this amount of relaxation?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Strange, at first I thought I’d resent it, but I’m getting more to dig it.” Sam said grinning. “It’s good not to be holed up in a flea bag motel charting out a hunt. There are other hunters coming along, and we take the occasional local job to keep sharp. We go out to the firing range to practice shooting and we spar regularly together. We go the the spa a couple of days out of the week for an hour or so and work out, we’re fit, but we’re not having fits.” Sam said.

 

“That’s good to hear. You’ve had enough heartache and grief to do you for a while just in the last few months. So Sam how have you been sleeping?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I still have the occasional night when I wake up and have to get up for a while, but they’re not as bad as they used to be.”

 

“Dean what do you do when this happens?” 

 

“Usually doze until he’s back in bed, if he’s over a ten minutes I’ll get up and keep him company until we both are tired enough to go to bed.” Dean answered.

 

“Do you have to do this often?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean and Sam traded a look and Sam ducked his head slightly in embarrassment. “We didn’t until all this surfaced with that post traumatic stress. He’s sleeping but it’s like he completely passes out, there are nights I have to check on him to be sure he’s breathing.”

 

“I’m not that bad.” Sam admitted.

 

“Hey bro, I share your bed, I know what I know, you’ve scared me some nights.” Dean chided.

 

“Look we’re not going to go into the substance of the stress only the factors which may be trigger points. The nights when you either seem to pass out and go to sleep or you wake during the night, are they traumatic days at work? By that I mean stressful, even to the point of them being as stress laden as being minor on what you would consider.

 

“No wait a sec doc. I really think that this time we need to explore the substance of the stress.” Dean blurted interrupting his chain of thought.

 

Dr. Carriggan looked at them appraisingly for a moment and then shrugged. “Okay, talk to me about the substance of the stress.”

 

“Dean, you can’t want me to talk about this!” Sam said sharply.

 

“Yeah bro, I think that this is one topic we need to get aired out and in the system to discuss.” Dean said equally sharp.

 

“You fucking bastard.” Sam said quietly. “You swore you would never do this to me.”

 

“Wait a minute guys, if we are getting into some extra sensitive territory maybe it’s time I step into the mix. Sam, is the stress caused by some preternatural events that have happened in your life?”

 

Sam rolled his hand in a go on gesture, his gaze flicking between the doctor and Dean, his face blotted and red.

 

“It does have some hellish connections.” Sam said caustically.

 

“Painful for you to revisit I take it.” Carriggan asked.

 

“Extremely.” Sam said tensely.

 

“Sam, relax, please, you’re among people who love you and care about you. Your own partner, your brother, anxious to expose this so that we can work through it. I know it’s tough, I can imagine…”

 

“That’s just it doc. What happened to me in Hell, what I witnessed and what I’m dreaming about now, doc, it makes Dante’s Inferno look tame by comparison.”

 

“Give me a for instance.” Carriggan said sitting back trying to exude something to help Sam relax. Dean reached over to attempt to give him a comforting arm and it was shrugged off violently.

 

“You’ve see the old time operating tables where everything was controlled by hand cranked wheels?” Sam started pulling his legs up onto the couch with him, in a near fear dominated position.

 

“Yes, they had one of those in the medical college I went to, gave me the shivers everytime I was around it.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Imagine a human being strapped to one of those tables in such a way so that they can barely move.” Sam started, he blinked furiously now, tears prickling the corners of his eyes. “Now imagine a sadist standing by the table with an assortment of implements, or probes and prods, to a scalpel and pliers.”

 

“I’m getting the picture. Imagine now the sadist slowly tormenting this person on the table. Slicing them open with scalpels, using pincers, and that’s the tamest happenings. It gets worse.” 

 

Carriggan nodded and settled back listening as Sam talked on for several minutes describing in detail the extent of tortures that occurred on those tables. In such graphic detail it caused Dean some emotional trauma himself. For that, Sam looked on his unsmilingly. Then he finished and turned to Dean his face wet with angry tears. His face furiously red, his gaze penetrating his brother and lover. 

 

“I’m sorry Sammy, but you wanted me to talk about my time in Hell once, I told you in detail what happened, I told you some of the rancid shit that I did and still I held back some details.”

 

“What?” Sam said looking at him sharply.

 

“There were things that happened to me on that table that I don’t think I can ever talk about, and things I did to souls on that table that was beyond forgiveness.” Dean said his own angry tears, stinging his eyes. 

 

Sam looked at him levelly, “I’m not getting into a pissing contest to see who had the worst deal. We both were dealt raw hands. But it doesn’t mean I was to revisit these places at the drop of a hat.” Sam said crossly, huddled into his corner of the couch. 

 

Dean slid over and grabbed his brother in a hug, the need for contact strong now. Sam fought him, pounded on him, at one point he started to dive for his throat with splayed hands. Dean let himself become a punching bag for Sam. He took every blow and didn’t flinch. Until finally Sam’s breath was heaving, nearly hyperventilating in his attempts to get away from the memories. 

 

“Why did you have to go there!?” He finally demanded of Dean in a voice that was caustic and hard.

 

“We both needed to go there Sammy. We both needed that. As much as it hurts we both needed that.” Dean said brokenly, as he gazed at Sam for long moments, tears streaming. “Peace?” Dean asked.

 

Sam started to relax a bit, just a bit at a time, each muscle seeming to relax and the need to be taken strong as well. “I should beat the shit out of you for making me go back there, but that wouldn’t help matters.” Sam said calming slowly. He finally turned his line of thought back to Carriggan’s original question and began from there.

 

“Well yeah, I have some particularly hectic days that this happens on. But I’ve got a handle on it.” Sam challenged.

 

“No, not really, in fact, it sounds as if it has a handle on you. You need to relax more to get more accomplished. IF the situation is one you can walk off for a moment or two then do it. Just take a few deep cleansing breaths and relax. I’m not about to put you on any other medication. We’ve just managed to get the depression issues under control so now we have to work on the stress pattern and try to modify it.” Then Carriggan looked at Dean, “Don’t worry we’re going to do the same with your day.” 

 

“Hey doc, I can handle stress a lot better…”

 

“Yes you still repress it. You my dear friend have a royal hard on for repression.”Carriggan stopped and asked them both to stand up and stand apart from each other. 

 

“Okay now lift your left leg.” They did keeping perfect balance. “Now close your eyes.” They both had to grapple at the same time to keep from completely falling. “Take your seats.” 

 

“What was that all about?” Dean asked settling back on the couch. 

 

“I’m strongly suspecting a problem with your equilibrium brought on by your range of motion and some fluctuations in your blood pressure.” Carriggan said thoughtfully. “We’ll work on investigating that further, however for the time being I want you to take momentary time outs during the day, it doesn’t have to be anything really huge, If you could start with two 15 to 30 second time outs just stop what you’re doing and rest a moment. That would help tremendously.” 

 

“My job is actually repetitive, I mean if I’m building a wall, it’s measure, cut, nail. I can’t afford to daydream, but we are encouraged to take breaks.” Dean noted.

 

“Mine’s really mixed up I may have a few moments to myself but they are rare.” Sam responded. 

 

“Then use those few moments and reflect and pause. Try not to rush through the day but let the day proceed apace of your own meditations.” 

 

Dean looked doubtful for a moment. “Doc that sounds good on paper but where’s the payoff?”

 

“It will help spiritually and physically balance you.” They were told. “You must have some kind of balance otherwise the core evil of the world wins. You both come great leaps and bounds don’t muff it.” 

 

“You make this sound as if we are coming to the end of a road.” Sam said curiously.

 

“In a way you are. You see, I’ve helped all that I can. I’ve done for you the best I can come up with. Even accounting for the hellish nightmares, we can work through those if you would like, you need to talk them out with someone. I strongly suggest you do that with each other. I’ll be here to help but you’ve got to fly sometime. We’ll still see each other on checkups. I want you both back in here in 3 month intervals to start. Then we’ll go from there.”

 

“It’s kind of scary doc.” Sam said.

 

“What’s that?” Carriggan said knowing full well what he meant.

 

“Going it on our own. You’ve been here through the good and bad.”

 

“You were depending on each other for the same, months ago. Go ahead and do the same now.”

 

Dean and Sam nodded.

 

“There is something you can do for me however.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Expand that reading list on the paranormal for me. There’s a lot there that I’ve already read but so much more I can glean from. I feel like I’m just scratching the surface.”

 

“Doc you have no idea. Look we’ll try to work up a hunt that you can go with us on. Give you some field experience with the supernatural; let you see that these things do exist.” Dean said, then “We’ll be in touch.” 

 

And with that the door closed as Sam and Dean stepped bravely out on the tightrope, the world, without a net.


	37. Chapter 37

Christmas was swiftly approaching, and so was another appointment. This was a call in for them as Dean was the busiest getting the house ready for Christmas, Sam was enveloped in misery. He’d taken a leave of absence from his job. He would spend whole days shut up in their bedroom doing nothing or scanning the laptop. There were days he would spend hours in spates of crying and Dean had finally had the limit of his endurance. 

 

“You’re either going in with me to see Doc Carriggan or you’re going to ER, your choice, but we’d doing one of them because this has got to stop!” Dean charged one day when Sam spent most of the day crying. 

 

“I c-can’t hel-help it. I f-feel like a w-woman in menopause. N-now I k-know what Ellen must’ve g-gone through at the end.” Sam replied.

 

Dean took his cell phone out calling Carriggan’s office. Amazingly they had a cancellation for the afternoon and he could see them around 4:00. Dean considered slipping him an Ativan in a glass of water but cancelled that notion. He wanted the doc to see what he was dealing with. 

 

That afternoon they went to a sidewalk café and had a light lunch, more like a snack but something to keep the blood sugars up before their meeting. Which was another thing, Sam had been refusing meals at times and had dropped some weight. His cheeks weren’t hollow or his eyes sunk but there were bags under them from his lack of sleep and he kept a perpetual bloodshot appearance for the time being. 

 

“Come on back guys.” The nurse said gently.

 

Dean guided Sam, something which was alien to him weeks ago and now was in his face.

 

In the office Carriggan was already waiting. “Guys, I said the 3 months what happened, it’s barely been three weeks?” He asked very concerned. Then he saw Sam’s condition and jumped up helping to get him settled on the couch. “Let me guess, depression, anxiety, closing yourself up for hours, sometimes closing up for a day.” 

 

Sam nodded numbly. His eyes were focused on his hands now ashamed to meet the gaze of the doctor.

 

“You feel conflicted, torn, useless, wasted, am I close?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah Doc…” Dean started when Carriggan held up his hand.

 

“Please Dean, let me talk with Sam for a few minutes.” Carriggan asked. 

 

Sam looked up his eyes brimming. “I can’t stop it. I feel…”

 

“Responsible to those children in the ward.” 

 

“Yes.” He said miserably.

 

“Plus the ones you’ve lost?” Carriggan added.

 

“Four there’s been four of them.” 

 

“Medical science does the best it can but even it can’t save them all.” Carriggan said quietly. 

 

“There ought to be something I should be able to do.” Sam said the tears falling now. “Is this my payback for what I did in Hell? To be tormented like this here and now?”

 

“You are, you are going over there three days a week, and you are providing emotional support to those children. You are someone like their families that they can depend on to bring them sustenance as important as food. You bring them love and care.”

 

Sam broke down now weeping. 

 

“But at the same time you are sacrificing your own emotional stronghold. Have you talked to Castiel about this?” Carriggan said quietly.

 

Sam’s head came up sharply and shook with vigour. “No, I can’t let him see me like this?” 

 

“Why not Sam?” A voice said from behind him. “What sin is there in seeing you cry.”

 

“Because I’ve become too good at it lately.” He said miserably turning away from Castiels penetrating gaze. The angel came around and sat on the arm of the couch next to Sam the cradled his head in his lap. “You have given more of yourself than you should have, there is nothing I can do to help you because this is your own emotional battle. There is no magic pill or remedy I have place in you like a doctor that will make you all better. But there is one this I can do.” He laid his hand on Sam’s head stroking his hair gently. “You will be given the gift of healing to three children.” With that his hand glowed momentarily. “You will but have to touch the child you want healed and pray your wish for them.” 

 

“That is a powerful gift you have given to him.” Carriggan noted.

 

“There has been a powerful outpouring of love from both of them to these children.” Castiel replied.

 

“These then are my order’s to Dean.” Carriggan started. “You may go over to the ward and keep company with the children. Sam you may go over on Christmas Day to celebrate with them, but Sam you are to take a month off from visiting. You need time to pull yourself together emotionally. I take it you are doing your work at the restaurant in a haze?”

 

Sam nodded sadly. Castiel reached behind him and his hand came back with a pristine white feather about 4 inches long. Sam looked at it in amazement. “Take this Sam, this will give you courage when you feel your own wavering.” Castiel bent down and kissed Sam’s forehead and then returned him to Dean who was sitting by in studied silence. 

 

“Thank you.” Dean told him. 

 

“It is your own battlements that protect you Dean. You are strong, Sam is sensitive, there is nothing wrong with either designation, you just feel love and pain in two different ways. Sam cleave to Dean, Dean to Sam, God’s will is done through people like you.” Castiel said and vanished.

 

“How are you feeling now?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Strangely peaceful.” Sam noted. 

 

“Embrace that feeling. Tonight’s Tuesday, you don’t go to the hospital tonight, Christmas Day is Saturday, you may go then, until then you are to stay away from the ward. Sam…” Carriggan looked at him gently. “You are bleeding love. You need to staunch that flow for a while and confine yourself to heal.”

 

“I think I can do that Doc.” Sam said quietly in return.

 

“No! That’s not good enough, either you can or your can’t do it. There is none of this I think I can…” Carriggan said stoutly.

 

“Yes Yoda, I will obey.” Sam said with a halfway smile.

 

“Damn sight better than Yoda, at least I can look you nearly in the eye and I don’t need to piggy back you and give you running commentary. “Dean take him home and keep him there.”

 

“Yes sir.” Dean said stoutly.

 

At home Sam looked at Dean, “So you’re my watchdog now?”

 

“Woof.” Dean said playfully.

 

“Wanna play?” Sam asked.

 

“Do you feel up to it?” Dean returned.

 

“I need it.” Sam said suddenly clutching his arms around Dean. After the hug they went to bed and made love in a manner which the sages has said would make the God’s cry. They were over two hours abed and when they finally did rise Sam was at peace and even actually smiling a little. He used the bathroom and came back to bed, snuggling in next to Dean, sharing his warmth. Thinking back it was when Dean was on top and sliding in that the dam broke. Dean frustrated held his position his cock wilting slightly from the frustration. 

 

“What’s the matter now?” Dean asked exasperated.

 

Sam continued to cry for a moment and then brushed the tears away. “I just realized how unmitigatedly selfish I’ve been. I’ve been throwing all these temper tantrums and crying jags, leaving you hanging on wondering “what the fuck is he up to now?”.” I’m so sorry Dean.” He cried, reaching up and caressing Dean’s face. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll understand if you want to make this a grudge fuck.” Sam said sadly.

 

“Sam, all I’ve ever wanted was to be let in, let me into this morass to help pull you out. I love you man. There is no one else I want to grow old with, but this closing me out, Sam it’s not fair to me.”

 

“I know and I’m so sorry. Oh God, but I love you so damn much.” Sam says stroking the planes of Dean’s chest exciting him again and he feel his dick blowing back up, his desire strengthening, and he eases further in until he is bottoming out in him. Sam gasps in lust. They grappled with each other, for several moments fighting for domination as they strove against each other. Dean only getting more turned on so that when his orgasm finally hit it wasn’t with the grunt and sometimes an expletive but this time it was a full blown.

 

“Aw shit man!” He shouted to the roof as he came hard and almost painfully into Sam. 

 

They lay together for several minutes with Dean’s cock still in and finally out of Sam. The closeness however was enough to get him aroused again and he took control once more assaulting Sam in a deliciously sexual way. Sam clawed at his back as he tried to pull him in deeper. 

 

So that hours later after a delightfully romantic meal of their own making at home, Dean showed up at the hospital with Sam. They went around talking with all the children. They all had their own adventures to tell and finally it came story time and then it was time for them to pack them in for a good night but Sam held up a minute.

 

“Gather round everyone, spread out and take the hands of Trey, and Jesse.” Their two bedridden patients. “An angel talked to me today, yeah I know, we’ve had some weird stuff happen to us but an angel, come on. But it happened, he told me to do something different tonight with all of you so hold hands tightly.” They did trusting their Uncle Sam. 

 

“Dear Lord, as you hear the prayers of these little ones, hear mine and heal all within my grasp.” He prayed. That was the last thing he remembered for several minutes, and finally opened his eyes to the presence of two nurses, and attending physician that rushed on the scene. The children were gathered around close looking on in fear and curiosity. Sam did come around and was able to answer the nurses questions of who he was, where he was, what the date was, etcetera. Finally he was permitted to sit up while a nurse drew a small stick of blood for sugar testing. 

 

“Mr. Winchester, I’m Dr. Pirelli, how do you feel now?” 

 

“Fine, I just passed out, must be low blood sugar or something.” 

 

“I want you down in ER immediately.” He said.

 

“No! I’m fine, it was just the stress of the day, and you’re scaring my children!” He told the doctor sternly. The doctor looked up and around then back to him. 

 

“Stay put.” The doctor ordered.

 

“Oo you talked back to a doctor!!!” Riley said. 

 

“Sometimes you just gotta, that doesn’t mean that you all can do the same. Understand me?” He said sternly, then smiling, “You are all my kids.” They fell on him immediately with kisses and hugs. Soon the doctor had returned with a blood pressure cuff and took his blood pressure then satisfied he looked at the reading from the meter that the nurse held and nodded. 

 

“Get him some orange juice. You are to drink two of the cartons that the kids get. You’re blood sugar is a bit low which probably accounts for this. But I want you to make an appointment with your doctor tomorrow to be seen as soon as possible about this.” Pirelli said. Then he left.

 

Dean helped him into his chair while the nurse came back with two cartons of the orange juice, something which Sam actually despised. But he drank it down to make sure that it put the kids at ease. When he was done he stood shakily and went around tucking in children and giving them all a good night kiss. Then they were gone.

 

On the way home Dean looked over at him. “What was that all about?” 

 

“I honestly don’t know, one minute I got the kids the next minute the floor is catching me.” Sam said shaking his head. 

 

“I know part of what it was, was what Cas did this afternoon. But there was more, Sam, are you hungry, don’t lie to me. Please.” Dean pleaded.

 

“I could eat.” He said.

 

That was all it took for Dean to pull into the next place which was an iHop where they had a late meal to bolster the one he had earlier.

 

“I haven’t been that bad…have I?” Sam asked.

 

“Sammy, there were a couple of days I couldn’t get you to eat anything. I was getting plenty worried man.” They said over the meal. 

 

“I’m sorry, I made you worry like that. Shit, I don’t know what I was thinking.” He said.

 

“You weren’t.” Dean suggested.

 

“Yeah, I know, I kinda lost it for a while. I’m sorry.” Sam said hanging his head slightly. 

 

“Don’t be sorry, tell me when you feel like this. Share with me so that I can help you.” Dean said. 

 

“Kinda heartfelt conversation to be held in a place like this.” Sam joked. 

 

“I don’t give a flying fuck about the place, but I do about you.” Dean said seriously.

 

“I know, I feel like a, well, I feel bad about letting you down like this.” Sam said “Forgive me?” 

 

“Only because I love you so much.” Dean noted. “Now come on and finish that omelet so we can blow this pop stand and go home.”

 

“I’m full, let’s just go.” Sam said.

 

Dean paid the check and they left getting home in a few solitary minutes. They entered their house and went straight to the bedroom where they started to get ready for bed. It was late by their standards and they were more than ready. They curled under the blankets getting warm from the December chill and facing each other Sam smiled sheepishly.

 

“Thanks for putting up with me.” He said. In return he got one of Dean’s deep, heartfelt kisses, guaranteed to take away the breath of the victim for several minutes. They fell asleep fore head touching forehead. 

 

Three days later it was Christmas day and they were getting the bags of goodies ready to take up to the ward. They entered and it was strangely quiet without a child in sight. They turned around and looked at the nurse who had a deadpan expression which was patently fake. They were about to call them on it when the children suddenly burst into the ward with their parents. They were going to have a big party and the staff couldn’t call their hand on, each of the children in the ward was in remission. They were all stabilized and able to join their families for Christmas. Dean and Sam were in awe and Sam breathed a silent prayer of thanks to whoever saw to this. That was when two parents brought in the cake, which read Merry Christmas to all and Thanks to Sam and Dean. 

 

For a moment there was silence then Dean reached forward and dipped a finger in the icing and popped it in his mouth. Laughter abounded and the party began. It was after 9:00 when the party broke up with Dean and Sam closing out with an especially creepy story for Christmas which some of the parents seemed at first to disapprove of until they saw the utter joy on the children’s faces. Dean and Sam did play their roles as Santa’s helpers and passed out gifts to each child. They were all gifts that the children had basically told them all year they wanted. They cornered the parents later in the room while the kids laughed and played. 

 

“We got the receipts in case there are duplicates.” Sam opted. The was a show of negation all around that it was not necessary, they were excited for the children. The parents were as giddy as well with the news unexpected as it was that all the children checked out to be in full remission. 

 

One parent, an evidently more outspoken parent than the rest looked at Sam pointedly. “Tommy said you prayed for them.” 

 

“Sometimes we get surprises.” Sam said gratefully. 

 

“Thank God for surprises.” The parent said. Then one broke out a magnum of champagne and popped the cork sharing around glasses even with the staff. “To more wonderful surprises in the future.” The parent toasted.

 

“Amen to that.” Dean said with a grin as he sipped at his drink. It was slightly room temperature but definitely not unacceptable. They drank until the magnum was empty then exchanged looked. 

 

“Hey I only brought one.” The parent griped.

 

“Don’t worry, tonight is Christmas, we have children who are doing well, and we’re all going to get to celebrate Christmases as families should, together.” Tommy’s dad said. 

 

The families left with their children having processed them out earlier that day. There were well wishes all around and soon it was just Dean, Sam, and the staff. 

 

“That went over well didn’t it?” Dean asked.

 

“It made my top ten list for Christmas gifts. Thank you both.” They told Dean and Sam. “You’ve contributed so much to help these children; this is wonderful for us and for them.”

 

Dean and Sam drove home in a very happy glow each thinking on the evening and the import of what had actually happened. Sam was glad to see the lights from their own tree winking through the curtains in the distance. He grinned as they pulled up to the house.

 

“This is our first Christmas in OUR home. Not some crummy motel, or even as much as I love the man, at Bobby’s. But this is for us. They walked in and their surprise was evident when they saw that the few gifts under the tree had multiplied several times over. 

 

“The hell!” Dean said. 

 

“Merry Christmas!” Bobby called coming out of the kitchen with a coffee mug. “Come on in and get some of my eggnog, it’ll knock the cold off you.”

 

“Bobby!” Dean yelped. Then he pointed to the tree. 

 

“Aww, a few of them are from me. The rest came in all morning. There would be someone drop by and drop off a gift or two then drive on. What you two boys been doing to deserve that kind of attention?”

 

Sam bent down and started reading off labels. “To Dean from The Ragland Family, To Sam from the Pierce Family…Dean these are the families of our kids!” He said beaming.

 

“Well I’ll be a fucked goose.” Dean said startled. He walked in the kitchen where Bobby had a pot on the stove that was releasing a heavenly aroma, Dean dipped a cup for Sam and himself. The stood around the tree starring at the lot when a car pulled up there were steps heard coming up the front and then a knock at the door. Dean answered and it was Betty McDonald with two presents in her arms.

 

“Merry Christmas boys!” She called.

 

“Betty, hey! Can you come in a minute?” Dean asked. 

 

“Just, I’m on my way into town and fighting the rush.” She said quickly

 

“Do you have time for a sip of egg nog?” Sam called from the kitchen.

 

“Not right now hon, but I’ll take you up on that later.” She answered.

 

“Betty do me a favour!” Dean started. “Activate the calling tree to all our kids families. We’re gonna have a Christmas Party here tomorrow night. Wanted to do Christmas Eve but figured folks would have their hands full. But yeah, we’re gonna have a Christmas Party here tomorrow night.” 

 

“That’d be nice except Julia Howsinger, she’s having a party for all the cancer kids over at The Church of the Holy Conception, on Christmas Eve and you two are the guests of honour. They’ve only been trying to get a hold of you all day!” Betty said with a grin. 

 

“I’ll give Julia a call and let her know we’ve been caught. Christmas Eve at what time?”

 

“We’re going to start at 8:00 and go to whenever the eggnog runs out.” She said grinning. 

 

“Sounds wonderful, we’ll be there!” Dean exclaimed as she started for the door. Then he grabbed her up in a hug. “For Peter.” He said smiling. She grinned and wiped at her eyes. “He’s in full remission! We are still trying to understand how that could happen.”

 

“Don’t question good fortune.” Bobby called grinning. She nodded and left. Dean closed the door softly and turned to see Bobby looking at them both in turn. “You boys gotta tell me more about these cancer kids.”

 

They sat down and did just that, between Sam and Dean they related what they’ve been doing with the children and the work they’ve accomplished. Bobby was grinning by the end of the tale. 

 

“God damn your Mama would be proud of you two. Your dad would probably give you hell for coming off the road, but I don’t blame you. It gets real old not having a roof over your head.” 

 

They sat around swapping tales and talking trash as Bobby would say for hours until at last Dean looked up warmed from the eggnog he’d consumed. 

 

“I’m starving. Let’s go grab a bite!” He offered.

 

“Sounds like the best plan I’ve heard yet.” Bobby said as he stood and pulled on his jacket along with the others.

 

Just then another car pulled up and they all traded looks. Sam ran over to the tree and counted. Just as there was a knock at the door. Dean answered it and gratefully received the gifts as the givers had to hurry on as well. 

 

“I counted nine families so far, plus that one is ten. Two more to go.” 

 

Bobby picked up the phone book and looked for a moment. “How about ordering something from Steak Out?” 

 

“Sounds like a plan.” Dean said settling back. Bobby placed the order and within an hour they were sitting to a steak dinner with all the trimmings. 

 

“Is it like this with you all the time?” Bobby asked baffled.

 

“Sometimes it’s even more hectic.” Sam noted.

 

“He’s been given permission by our doc to go to the Christmas Party but to stay away from the hospital for a month.” Dean tattled.

 

“Dean!” Sam blurted.

 

“It’d got out sooner or later, better now.” Dean said.

 

“And just why are you put on restriction?” Bobby asked.

 

“Well, I’m basically…uh…emotionally shot out.” Sam answered ducking his head.

 

Dean went into detail explaining what had been going on for the past month and it was no little surprise that Bobby was agog at what had been going on. 

 

“And why didn’t you see early on you were doing this to yourself?” Bobby asked.

 

“I guess I did but just ignored it. Yeah I’m an idgit.” Sam said shyly.

 

“You said it. But yeah you are. You know better.” Bobby said in a gruff but gentle manner. 

 

“Bobby, are you all right?” Dean asked.

 

“Yeah, checked out great with my doc a few days ago, ticker’s working better since the cath.” He said nonchalantly.

 

“Say what!?” Dean said startled.

 

“Now don’t get yer panties in a twist princess, there wasn’t a damn thing you boys coulda done but sat up there in the hospital wondering what was going on. I was having some trouble breathing so I went and saw my doc. He recommended I go in for a full heart checkup. When they did the heart catherization they had to put in three stents. Got put on a low fat diet and told to cut back on the liquor.” Bobby admitted.

 

“Then you shouldn’t have been drinking that eggnog!” Sam protested.

 

“Boy, I’m 72 years old, I’m not going out eating lime jello and drinking decaf.” Bobby grumped.

 

“What exactly are you really saying Bobby?” Dean said puzzled.

 

“I’m going out the way I want to not the way some friggin doctor tells me I can. I CAN do a lot of things, doesn’t mean I’m gonna. Look you two were hunters for what 20 plus years, or you been on the hunt that long or longer. Now you’re saving kids lives and making a difference just cheering kids up. Damn it, don’t you see?” Bobby said exasperatedly. “You’re living the life I want, I want to make a change in the world, but I’m old and used up, hell the only thing I’ve been good for lately is manning the phones.”

 

“And that’s an important part of our jobs as hunters.” Dean said then caught the look in Bobby’s eyes. He shook his head and looked at Sam. “Bobby, it’s late, we’re tired, you’re probably whacked after that drive up. Let’s catch some rack time, I’m off until after Christmas, doofus over here has to go into work in the morning, but don’t let any noises bug you, sleep in as long as you want.” Dean offered. Bobby nodded and headed to the guest room. Dean and Sam checked doors, after locking up for the night they turned in as well.

 

The next morning, Sam was getting ready for his job, Dean was dressing to drive him into work. They had a warming up kiss fest in the kitchen before the guest room door opened and Bobby came into the living room.

 

“You two still doing that?” He said with a smirk.

 

“It ain’t killed us yet.” Dean commented. “Coffee’s on help yourself, I’ll run Sam to work and be back in a minute.”

 

“Yeah yeah.” Bobby said as he poured him a mug. 

 

Dean got back to a sight he was familiar with. Bobby hunkered over the stove fixing two full breakfasts. Dean just kept his mouth shut and sat down at the table. Bobby put a plateful in front of Dean and had a plate for himself. After breakfast offered to take Bobby around the town and show him some of the sights. They went to the boardwalk which was deserted except for those avid walkers who got their exercise daily walking the stretch. Then they started going around through neighbourhoods with Dean pointing out houses that he’d worked on. 

 

“See that’s what I’m talking about. You boys are doing something now that can be touched seen and felt. As hunters you did work that no one knew about until long after and then most of them dismissed it. And you’re still young enough to make a difference. Stay out of hunting as long as you can Dean. You and Sam both, keep your skills sharp, but stay out of the game for a while. There ain’t no apocalypse on the rise, what little work that needs doing is getting done and there’s a new breed of hunter coming along.” Bobby said as they rode.

 

“New breed, what do you mean?” 

 

“I mean there’s a new breed of technology savvy hunters that would make Sam look like a beginner. You’re good at what you do just let someone else do the hunting for now.” Bobby told him.

 

They drove in silence for a bit then came to a largish new building. “St. Judes Children’s home.” Bobby read. “You worked on this?” 

 

Dean nodded soberly. “It seems like I’ve had my hands in a lot of things and thankfully not up to my elbows in blood. I found that I still got a soul.” He said blinking some moisture away. 

 

“Dang eyes.” Bobby said wiping at his. “You’re mama and grandma would be damn proud of you.”

 

“Grandma?” Bobby said. “Samuel’s wife Charlotte died when I was a baby, and I never heard of my grandparents on dad’s side. It was like they were the crazy relatives you locked in the basement.”

 

Bobby snorted, “Because they are now. They’re both still alive, Gene and Barbara Winchester, and they’re both in a nursing home in Topeka. Don’t bother trying to look them up, they wouldn’t know you.”

 

Dean looked at him a moment as he came to a stop sign. “But we could talk.” Dean suggested.

 

“You could, but I doubt you’d make much sense outta what they say. They’re both in there with advanced Alzheimers. There’s nothing that can be done for them. They’re in their 90’s and hell for all I know they’d dead by now. I tried to keep in touch with the nursing home but it got to be too big of a headache going through the strings of administration there.”

 

Dean somehow felt vulnerable and betrayed. “I know, but why didn’t you tell me before now?” 

 

“Your daddy promised me not to breathe a word about them. He said that they were poison ready to leech out to the next victim. They didn’t cotton to your daddy’s idea of a life.” Bobby said sourly.

 

“I still wish I knew.” Dean said morosely. 

 

“Dean if you had known you would have had them for maybe 15 years, during which time they’d be losing their minds. The last I was told they’re both having to be treated like babies, because they can’t do the simplest things anymore.”

 

They drove the rest of the way home in silence. Once there they were taking off their coats at the back door. Dean looked to Bobby, “Did they know about me and Sam?”

 

“Your dad never mentioned anything about every seeing them after he and Mary got married. They basically cut him off from family.”

 

“So basically I’ve got kin on both sides I’ve never even seen.” Dean mentioned.

 

“Yep, just like me, just like every hunter that’s come down the pike. We’re an insular bunch Dean. We don’t travel in the same circles as others.”

 

“I guess that’s for the best.” Dean acknowledged solemnly and quietly. He went in and poured a couple of mugs of the cooled down eggnog from the bowl in the refrigerator and they went in the living room to drink.


	38. Chapter 38

Authors Note: The story continues outside of the Doctor’s office following some of the important day to day events in their lives which will come into play in future office visits.

 

It was Christmas Eve day, Sam had somehow managed to wrangle to get his coworker to close for him so he could go in and open and they would still be in plenty of time for the party. The evening came with some immediacy and Sam, Dean, and Bobby were decked in the finest wear they had. Dean drove them into town at 7:30 to the church. They arrived a few minutes early and were swamped by the children. Dean and Sam distributed hugs and kisses around, then they noticed that they were looking curiously at Bobby. Dean was going to have a little fun with this.

 

“You remember all those stories I told you, how there was this one man who helped us along from time to time, this is him. Kids meet Bobby Singer.” 

 

They wandered up to him slowly and he greeted each one there was more than one ‘wow’ that was heard in the little crowd. Soon the adults were gathered there and all too soon the party was started. There was punch for the kiddies and spiked eggnog for the adults. Present also was Dr. Al Samuelson and his wife Ingrid as well as Dr. Julian Carriggan with his missus. So it was a party of the near and dear. 

 

Dean and Sam introduced Bobby to Dr. Carriggan and he was in similar awe. “I feel like I did when I met Castiel.” He admitted. “The characters these two built are larger than life.” He said with a grin.

 

“Shit, these idgits never did know how to spin a tale worth telling.” Bobby said good-naturedly.

 

Then the music started and there was dancing and playing with the children. Bobby was having the time of his life only slowing down a little towards the middle of the evening. Sam, Dean and Bobby sidled off to a table by themselves for a moment to catch their breath.

 

“You doing okay there, Bobby?” Dean asked noting Bobby’s red cheeks.

 

“I forgot how energetic some kids can be.” He gasped.

 

“Seriously Bobby, you okay?” Dean asked now concerned.

 

“Just a bit tuckered but I’ll be fine. Let’s socialize a bit with some of the other tables.” He said neatly fielding Dean’s concern.

 

They did get up and walk around the room sitting with other couples all spread out and enjoying the evening. Both Sam and Dean kept a weather eye out for Bobby as well. They were having the time of their life when the doors flew open and in walked Santa Claus with a bag filled with presents that he passed around to the kids. The party entered a whole new level of excitement as the children jostled in place to say hi to Santa. Pretty soon the children were starting to wind down that was when the rolled mats by the wall came out and children lay down on them and soon were asleep. Bobby cornered one of the adults and asked about the kids.

 

“It’s a miracle, they were all in various stages of cancer, then one night a miracle happened and they’re all in remission.” Said Harvey Martin one of the daddies. “There’s a fund started at the hospital for children who are cancer patients to help pay their way if other funds run out. It’s the Kyle Bunch Foundation. His uncle founded it and funded it with its first $100,000 donation. It’s tripled since then and there’s talk of corporate sponsors coming on board. All started by two young men who took time out of their days to come and visit with the kids when we couldn’t be there.” Harvey was quite choked up now and even Bobby had to cough away his emotions. 

 

“Are they going to have a sleepover tonight?” Bobby asked finally.

 

“Yeah, we’ve arranged for them to sleepover here tonight then they will be delivered back to their homes tomorrow by the church van. They have some chaperones for the night and we’re going back home to get Christmas day ready for them.” Harvey noted.

 

“You’re some pretty amazing people.” Bobby said smiling.

 

“We do the best we can do and for these kids there is nothing we wouldn’t do.” He said. Bobby watched in amazement as the adults continued to congregate for another hour or so then they started leaving in couples until all that was left was Dean, Sam, and Bobby who were seen to the door by the chaperones. 

 

“Good night.” Sam called to them.

 

“Good night and Merry Christmas.” They responded.

 

“And to you.” Dean told them as they crunched their way through the snow and ice to the Impala. Dean thanked God again that he had the foresight to get snow tires installed on his baby earlier. They got home through the snow and ice and walked into the house. Sam immediately turned up the heat to get the chill off the place then they proceeded to shed their winter wear. 

 

Bobby wiped at his eyes as he walked into the living room. Dean noticed this and elbowed Sam who saw it as well. They all converged in the living room where they sat at a few minutes past 10:00 and looked at the Christmas tree bedecked with presents from so many families.

 

Bobby got strangely quiet for a minute then looked at the tree. “You know I had a daughter once upon a time.” His voice was quietly, hoarse and thick with emotion. “She was Tabitha, sweetest little baby God ever created. But as she grew into her childhood she developed autism. Her mama, took her went to Tennessee where she got a job working nights at Oak Ridge nuke plant. She was a looker, but she didn’t want a drunk for a husband, or a boyfriend, let alone a daddy for her baby. I still get to see Tabitha now and then, she’s good enough she’ll send me a picture here and there. But I think that Tabitha could’ve been like one of them kids out there tonight, she coulda had the chance to run around and play, act like a normal kid, hell she’s a high functioning autism kid, she’s doing great in school, and plans on going on to college when she graduated, that would’ve been twenty years gone.”

 

“Wait a minute Bobby, you’re saying you got a daughter that you’ve not seen in what 16 years?” Dean said aghast.

 

“Her mama did her right, back then I was always on the booze, we think that, that may have contributed to her getting autism. We don’t know, I won’t never know. Katherine walked out of my life way back then and never looked back. I tried calling once but she hung up on me.” He sighed then turned and headed to the bedroom. They sat down looking at each other then spied Bobby’s cell phone. Sam ran the directory and came up with three Katherine’s, then he ran the area codes and got the most likely number. He and Dean walked out on the front porch huddled against the cold. 

 

There were three rings then a cheerful sounding lady saying “Hello?”

 

“Katherine Jakes? Hi, I’m Sam Winchester, a friend of Bobby Singer’s please don’t hang up.”

 

“Why should I not?” She asked curtly. 

 

“Because Bobby is 72, he’s tired, depressed and I think he would really like to connect with you at least for Christmas day just for a few minutes.” Sam pleaded.

 

“I can’t do that, I can’t give him false hope.” She said quietly. “We burned that bridge a long time ago.” 

 

“What about Tabitha?” 

 

“He told you about her then?” She said accusingly. 

 

Sam held on a moment. “How is she, just give me something I can at least tell Bobby.”

 

“He can’t be that far gone.” She argued.

 

“Ma’am, we were talking tonight, he sounded tired, used up. It would really be something if he could hear from you and maybe connect with a daughter he hasn’t seen.” Sam said.

 

There was a long silence then finally he heard her sob on the other end of the phone for a moment, “Tomorrow, around lunchtime. That’s the only promise I can make.”

 

“Thank you! Thank you so much!” Sam said his voice thick with emotion. 

 

She hung up her end quickly. Sam turned and looked at Dean. “I did do the right thing didn’t I?” 

 

Dean threw and arm around his brothers waist and pulled him into a hug. “You did just fine.”

 

The stood for a few minutes watching the snow falling in its silent, yet beautiful way. Sam looked down the street for a moment then turning with Dean they went back inside and headed to their bedroom. 

 

When morning came they were awakened by the smells of breakfast cooking. Getting up they came out in their sleeping pants and saw Bobby busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast. 

 

“I was about to come throw a bucket of ice water on you two.” He said with a halfway grin.

 

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Dean asked looking at the clock on the microwave. It was 9:13. 

 

“Some, enough for an old fart. Now come on eat while it’s hot.” He ordered and they sat down to a full breakfast. 

 

After their breakfast they did what all kids do on Christmas morning and divided the loot including eight packages they were convinced that they were going to have to ship to Bobby. There were all kinds of gifts but the one the tugged at them both was a plaque that the parents had got together and made up.

“With love to our special angels, Sam and Dean” and it was signed by each parent. Bobby got into his and was shocked to find that he had a brand new army field jacket plus a nice leather coat. There were shirts, and some personal items exchanged. Finally it was around 11:00 when Sam’s phone rang.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sam, its Katherine. Is Bobby there…?” She asked hesitantly.

 

“Yeah.” He answered.

 

“I still think this is a bad idea.” She said.

 

“We don’t have many Christmases to share anyway; you’ll make it through this one fine.” Sam told her. Then passed the phone to a confused looking Bobby.

 

“Hello?” He said in his usual gruff manner.

 

“All cheery joy aren’t you?” Katherine said. “Its Kath.”

 

Bobby held his breath for a moment, then, “I didn’t think you ever wanted to speak to me again.”

 

“I guess sometimes we old folks can ease up a bit on the rein. You sound pretty good, how are you doing?” 

 

“Pretty good for an old guy, don’t drink near as much now as I used to, don’t smoke no more neither. Trying to live a reasonably healthy life. How about you?” He asked his voice thick, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. 

 

“Doing good, had a wreck about ten years gone and lost a leg in that, but I’m going on fine, no problems. Good to hear you’re doing better.” 

 

“Katherine, I know I was shit for a boyfriend, but I have changed, can you give me a chance as a friend?” He said his voice cracking with the tension.

 

“I want to Bobby,” She was crying now. “I want to believe you can be better, but I keep seeing the man you were.” 

 

“Maybe if you saw the man I am.” He suggested. 

 

“Oh Bobby, it’s been so long and my life’s gone on, I’m married now to a fine man, a good provider, with a temper like yours.”

 

“He doesn’t take it out on you, does he?” Bobby asked.

 

“I’d beat the ever loving hell out of him if he tried. No we have a quiet understanding. He knows that I used to be a hunter and I’d just as soon hunt him down as a werewolf.”

 

“Makes for the loving relationship.” Bobby muttered.

 

“We’re absolutely devoted to each other. We truly are. Tabitha was the shining bit in our marriage. Fortunately the autism remained in the area in which high reasoning processes are still more than quite probable. She married a tax accountant out of Dearborn, New Jersey. She’s safe and away from our lives. I still see her on occasion and we talk from time to time.”

 

“What about me? Does she know?” Bobby asked hopefully.

 

“I tried to keep that a secret from her, but she has a very good talent for snooping and soon found out who her biological father was. She figured that since she didn’t hear from you, you didn’t care about her.”

 

“And who were you to disabuse her of that notion.” Bobby said spitefully. “You never bothered to tell her did you?”

 

“You want to see her so badly look her up; I dare you, Tabitha Tillman, Dearborn. Go ahead. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

 

“Wait! Why after nearly 45 years are you so bitter still?” Bobby asked.

 

“Why? You tried to protect us; you never gave us the chance to prove our worth. You smothered us.” There was a definitive click as she hung up her phone. 

 

Bobby both delighted and frustrated looked at Sam, and gave him the run-down of the conversation including the daughters married name. Sam fired up his laptop and immediately started searching for CPA’s in the Dearborn district. He came up with a CPA Phillip K. Tillman and PA Tabitha R. Tillman, then after a bit more digging got a physical address and phone number. 

 

Bobby considered a moment and decided that telephone was definitely not the manner in which to contact her. So He and Dean took the Impala and headed to Dearborn. It was a late start in the day which meant an overnight stay but the next day found him standing at the office doors of Tillman and Associates CPA. He was dressed in his finest and well groomed. He entered the office. There was a young lady managing the desk and Bobby walked straight up to her. 

 

“I’m looking for Tabitha Tillman.” Bobby said.

 

“I’m…oh my God!” She gasped. Then her brow furrowed with anger. “You have exactly one minute to explain yourself before I call the police.” She charged.

 

“Tabitha please, I swear to you, when me and your mom split, she was wanting to make it for good, she stole you away and never told me where she was going or what she was doing until it was too late.”

 

Tabitha’s brow eased a bit and a well dressed young man came from the office. “Excuse me is there a problem?” Dean stepped up. 

 

“Family reunion and all that, a bit sticky right now, uh Phillip isn’t it?” 

 

“Yes, Phillip Tillman, Tabitha who is this gentleman?” 

 

“This is my father, Robert Singer.”

 

“Oh so you’re the bastard that nearly drove my wife over the edge not long ago trying to hunt down.”

 

“Hold on a minute Phil.” Tabitha said. “What he said makes sense. Mom was a notorious liar and she was even worse at keeping secrets hidden. The question is why have you taken so long in tracking me down?” 

 

“I’ve been trying to keep you safe.” Bobby said defeated. “But I see your protected so, come on Dean, this was a bad idea.” He said morosely.

 

“You know that’s the first thing you’ve said since you came in that makes sense. This is a bad idea. Mom screwed me out of 30 years of knowing my father; my father screwed me out of 30 years because he thought I needed protection. You and mom both are barking mad when it comes to this supernatural shit. You’ve not a clue that it’s all natural phenomena, just unexplained.”

 

“You’re a little shit aren’t you?” Dean said snidely. Bobby whipped on him.

 

“Careful boy that’s my little girl.”

 

“I’m not your little anything, I am myself and I sure as hell don’t need protection from someone like…”

 

“Christo.” Dean said. Immediately Phillip’s eyes flashed black and he visible cringed.

 

“What did you just do to him!?” She exclaimed sharply.

 

“You’re a hunter’s daughter, you tell me.” Dean said sharply as Phillip recovered. He grabbed Tabitha by the throat.

 

“Move and she’s dead.”

 

“No you are!” A voice said from behind him, and suddenly Castiel’s hand came down solid on Phillips forehead exorcising the demon and smiting. Phillip collapsed to the floor breathing raggedly. Tabitha was in a shake. Dean took a moment and turned the lock on the office door. Then closed the blinds on the street side windows.

 

“Phil!” Tabitha cried out as she knelt by him. 

 

“What did you do!?” She cried out to Castiel.

 

“Exorcised a demon that was trying to kill you.” Castiel said frankly. Then he vanished.

 

“The … what was that!?” She screeched.

 

“First Phillip who is amazingly still alive was possessed by a demon, for how long I don’t know, second, you owe your life to an angel named Castiel, third, YOU OWE ME A LITTLE RESPECT GIRL!” Bobby roared. Tabitha cowed back in terror now. She gripped at Phillip who was shakily coming around. 

 

“Does he drink?” Dean asked.

 

“Uh the occasional glass of wine why?” 

 

Dean whipped out a hip flask and popped the cap tipping some of the liquid into Phillips mouth.

 

“Good scotch, laced with holy water.” Dean said shrugging.

 

Phillip gulped, sputtered and moved to sit up. They worked on helping him sit and his eyes cleared. He looked around the room and saw Dean and Bobby kneeling over him then Tabitha beside him, he was clearly in no mind of being able to carry on a coherent conversation. 

 

“Get him home, not your usual route, salt lines the works until you hear from me.” Bobby ordered.

 

“Yes sir.” Tabitha said gathering up Phillip who struggled to stand still looking both confused and all too aware. 

 

:

:

:

“And that Doc, is how we became involved in hunting down two gremlins and a demon that was terrorizing Bobby’s family.” Sam said sitting back hoarse from his recitation.

 

“I told you to relax over the holidays.” Carriggan said sternly.

 

“Doc for us that was relaxed.” Dean responded. “Anyhow, I’m back full time with my interiors crew; Sam is back full time with the restaurant. We have four kids in the cancer ward that are all thankfully stage I and not in as severe shape as the others. They’re just having to stay over to adjust to their medications.”

 

“Good, it’s good you got someone like that to tend. Now the question is are you going to take my advice and retire or are you going to continue these intermittent hunts?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We’re doing what we’re best at. And we’re relaxing with regular jobs. We’re content to stay where we are and according to the state senate it looks like the gay marriage bill will be pushed through in the next session.” Sam stated.

 

“Okay, that brings us back to square one Sam. How are you doing?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I was okay for the first couple of days after the hunt was over but now we’re into February and I’m starting to feel that sensation creeping back up on me. I keep pushing it back, doing my NO’s and all that, but the only time I feel truly relaxed is when I’m being completely dominated.” Sam said and cast a look at Dean who was blushing furiously. “Nothing to be ashamed of Sir Dean, you do a great job in domination.”

 

“How is that working for you physically?” Carriggan asked looking at Sam carefully.

 

“I’m surprised but I’m not hurting near as much as I thought I might. Dean paddled me real good last night and well…” He pushed up cuffs to show off the marks where handcuffs had bitten flesh. 

 

Carriggan’s eyebrows rose in appreciation and concern. “What I’m worried is that you are going to enter this in such a depressed state that you won’t know when to cry out the safe word and you’ll truly get hurt.

 

Dean sat forward and looked at the doctor sternly. “If you are suggesting that I would purposefully push him like that and go past the safe point, then you’ve missed the whole point of us being here doc.” 

 

Carriggan held up both hands. “Not suggesting that at all, what I am suggesting is that you both might get caught up in the act to the point of forgetting where the act stops and reality sets in. That’s all.”

 

Dean looked over at Sam, then reached out to him in a rare gesture. “I’ve only crossed that line once and once was what taught me. Always keep focused. Never give up the focus.”

 

“Good, that’s a good thing. Have you tried other role play as well?” 

 

“You mean more lace than leather? No. Oh there are times when Sasquatch here wants vanilla sex and I’m game with that. In fact I’m more than game. He makes a great partner that way.”

 

“So you actually do make love from time to time.” Carriggan said smiling slightly.

 

“Doc there is love in everything we do in the bedroom.” Sam said smiling broadly. “You and the missus ever make breakfast in the nude? Oughta try it at least once.”

 

That caused Carriggan to flush scarlet for a moment. 

 

“Well that’s a first Dean, WE made the doctor blush.” Sam said smiling.

 

Carriggan laughed and coughed at the same time. “Enough about what I do or don’t do in the kitchen boys.”

 

“Aw come on doc, just one time, give it a try. Consider it our prescription to you for a change.” Dean said grinning.

 

Then Dean looked at Sam quickly and then back at the doctor. “The dynamics around the house since this hunt have changed dramatically. We still want to work the 9 to 5 stuff, but the occasional hunt is good for the blood. It makes us feel alive.”

 

“What about dreams?” Carriggan asked bouncing onto a different subject matter entirely.

 

“Dreams. Nothing portentous, it’s actually been quiet.” Dean said.

 

“Says you.” Sam charged. “My dreams haven’t been vision filled but they are filled with imagery I’m dying to get sorted out.” 

“Then why don’t we make that the subject of our next session. I want to see you back in here in 10 days. In that time keep a journal of strange dreams.”

 

“Doc some of them get real strange.” Sam said with a slightly haunted look.

 

“Like how, real strange?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Like a recurring dream of me running down a beach in the edge where the water just meets the sand and lightning flashing behind me.”

 

“That doesn’t seem too strange.” 

 

“The lightning is striking the ground just a few feet behind me.” Sam said.

 

“Okay admittedly that qualifies as strange. You’re obviously running away from a traumatic experience in your past. Something that has portents so strong that you feel explosions when the feelings are too near.”

 

Suddenly Dean got a look in his eyes of intense worry. 

 

“There’s an obvious event that we need to unravel to get this one worked out.”

 

“Uh no we don’t” Dean stammered.

 

“Yes we do.” Carriggan insisted. 

 

“Trust me doc, this is an area that if you can give him some kind of posthypnotic suggestion that would help tremendously. But it’s an area we don’t need to tread into.”

 

“Why do you suppose that Dean?” 

 

“Remember what I told you about my time in hell, and the torture I underwent?” 

 

“Yes I remember that distinctly. Are you intimating that Sam may have a similar sequence of memories locked away.”

 

“EXCELLENT CHOICE OF WORDS DOC!” Dean exclaimed excitedly. “There was a time about a year ago when I thought he was dead, I mean I saw him fall into a trap, and there was no return from this trap.”

 

“The trap itself was of supernatural origin?” The doctor asked.

 

“Yes, what I went through in three months of time up here, or thirty years of time down there, were a cake walk compared to what he endured. Please, I’m begging you here and now doc, don’t push this issue.” Dean pleaded.

 

Sam was very moved by this and said so. “Dean, uh I appreciate what you’re obviously trying not to tell the doctor, but at the same time if it’s something in the dreams that would crossover, we have to clear that up.”

 

“Okay, but I’m with you every step of the way.” Dean said stoutly.

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Sam replied.

 

“Then starting next session we explore this together.”


	39. Chapter 39

Ten days passed to find Sam and Dean back in the waiting room with Sam possessively gripping a notebook. 

 

“Dude no one’s gonna rip that off from you.” Dean chided under his breath.

 

“You know damn well why I’m gripping it this hard.” Sam said without a trace of a smile. 

 

“Dean, Sam, this way please.” The nurse called. The nurse’s keen eye caught Sam’s expression and diverted him momentarily into an examination room. “I’d just like to check your blood pressure” 

 

Sam let himself be escorted to the chair and he passed custody of the notebook to Dean while the nurse strapped him up to the meter. In seconds the reading came back 198/101. “Hop onto the exam table please and stretch out a minute. He did his feet hanging absurdly off the end of the extension that was pulled out full length. Then she took the pressure again 199/105. She reached over and pressed a call button on the wall.

 

“Carriggan.” The voice crackled back.

 

“Doctor, please report to exam room 1.” It was only moments when the worried doctor entered and saw the intermittent readings. 

 

“I’ve been taking a reading every 2 minutes, there’s been little or no change at all.”

 

“Get me a 10cc Ativan suspension.” He ordered.

 

“Doc what’s wrong?” Sam asked worriedly.

 

“Your blood pressure’s a bit high I’m going to give you something to relax you in hopes it brings it back in line, Harriet go ahead and get 911 on standby.” He looked at the meter as it inflated the cuff again, the other nurse hurrying from the room. This time Sam grunted in pain from the compression. The nurse came in with the syringe, she quickly swabbed the back of his hand and injected the calmative. “Have you been having frequent headaches lately?”

 

“Yes he has.” Dean answered for him. “At least for a week now.” 

 

“Well I don’t want to be premature about a diagnosis and I would prefer you see a cardiologist as soon as we can arrange an appointment.” The meter deflated again and the reading came back 190/92. The doctor nodded judiciously. “Do you feel steady enough to stand?”

 

“Sure.” Sam said sitting up slowly. Then he lay back down, the nurse took her cue and was back momentarily with a wheelchair. He was carefully transferred to the chair and rolled down to the consulting room. The doctor broke out some bottled water for him. Sam took the bottle gratefully and downed half before putting it down. Carriggan gave him a close look and then saw that Dean held the notebook. 

 

“That’s the journal?” Carriggan asked.

 

Sam nodded and made gestures to Dean to pass it to the doctor. Dean did and the doc took the note book and set it to the side for a moment. 

 

“Sam I want you to tell me what your think about these dreams.” Carriggan asked.

 

“They want me back.” Sam said suddenly cringing in the chair, tense and frightened even with the dose of the medication. “I was yanked out of hell and they want me back.”

 

“What makes you think anyone would want you in hell?” 

 

“You would if you were a demon.” Sam said solidly. He tensed a bit more and then over several minutes slowly started to relax and resume his seat. “Read the journal.” Sam ordered. “I’ll pay for the extra time.” 

 

“One moment.” He called the front desk. “Oh you did, good thank you.” And he hung up. “It would seem I have a three hour block cleared out. Help yourselves to beer.” He motioned absently towards the cooler and he cracked open the text. Smiled and began reading. However the further he got into the book the more disturbed he became until such a point he closed the book.

 

“You’re not through with it?” Sam asked.

 

“Not yet, how did you know about Hurley?” He asked pointedly.

 

“Who?”

 

“Don’t go there with me, answer the question, how did you know about Hurley.” Carriggan asked hotly.

 

“Ah yes, the Schnauzer you shot and killed on purpose. Because it was getting into your wife’s garden.” 

Sam sighed. “The same way I know everything else in that book. I dreamed it. I dreamed of the past and present, and some little touches of the future. But it seems like there is an area in my past I can get to and I’m not going to tread further.” 

 

“Yes so I’m coming to understand. You indicate frustration in your dreams, but you’ve curbed yourself in that search. Why, don’t you want to know…?”

 

“NO, He doesn’t!” Dean interrupted. “Doc it’s memories of Hell, I was there for four months and it nearly drove me insane. I had a serious breakdown when I got to the point that all the memories came back. I don’t want the same to happen to Sam.”

 

“Don’t you think I’m capable of answering that question, myself?” Sam ventured calmly.

 

“Well, Sam?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Dean is right to be dogmatic in this. I admit to being the sensitive one in the partnership. I’m equipped to psychoanalyze stress but the kinds of stress that this could bring on, no I’d prefer not to go there.”

 

“Even if it could help you decipher some of these dreams?” Carriggan pressed.

 

“I gave you my answer doctor, and that answer is no. I do not want to go there. I only want to understand the dreams that I’ve been having.”

 

“There is a recurrent theme in most of them and they all deal with some near and dear to your heart, in some you see Dean being tortured, in some yourself, in some you are torturing your father, and in some he is torturing you. Torture is a central point to all the dreams you’ve been having. You’ve blocked away an issue over which you feel immense guilt and you refuse to face that thing. Until you do, there’s nothing I can do to help you.” 

 

“There is one thing, one thing I feel very guilty about, I don’t know if this is it or not. But, Dean, it’s about then.” He said turning to Dean who paled.

 

“Before or after you fell into the pit?” Dean asked.

 

“Before.” Sam answered.

 

“Was it when He took over?” Dean asked again.

 

Sam nodded. 

 

“Doc. This is ground that we’ve never broke up before you, you’ll get the details you need, just don’t ask for any back story, that’s something neither of us are prepared to release.” Dean said.

 

Sam took a pull from his beer and started with his possession of the rings of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, four physical rings. And how they interacted and what they would do, he wandered on through the story to his confrontation with Lucifer and how he gave himself over to be Lucifer’s vessel, in hopes of outsmarting the bastard and sending him back to the pit. Carriggan listened intently, then looked at Dean a moment in a lull of the conversation. There was no doubt they both believed this to be fact, and from what he’d already seen and been privy to there was no doubt in his mind that it could be fact. 

 

“The next thing I remember is waking up in a field next to a graveyard. I walked back into town and then began a year’s hiatus from life as you would know it. I saw that Dean was hooked up with an old girlfriend and was living an apple pie lifestyle, I watched him now and then but soon stopped as it got harder for me to stay away from him. I was on the hunt and a hunt for vengeance, I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way.”

 

“Was this during your “soulless” period?” 

 

“What I believed it to be, yes.” Sam sighed, “Then I decided that it was time to call my hand, I couldn’t stay away any longer, I had to have Dean involved in my mission. That’s the two things I feel guilty about. First thinking that I was so all powerful that I could take on the devil and win, and then failing utterly until that last star-filled moment. And the worst part was coming, disrupting Dean’s life, yanking him away from his comfort zone, and back into the life he loved but hated. I was guilty for perverting his life into a hunter again.”

 

“You can’t take all the blame for that one Sammy, after all it takes two to tango, and I went with you willingly.” 

 

“I think I see the conundrum Sam. You are perplexed because you took on a being more powerful than yourself with thoughts of defeating him, then you fell into the pit which I assume was a trap. In fact there were according to your telling two who fell in, you and Michael who was hosted by your younger brother Adam. I think of all things that is where your guilt lies. You were freed from that prison, but you have no idea if Adam was or not, and if he has his soul back or not. If he is still down there, over 2 years later, that would put him there in the time grafting of hell you spoke of just over 240 years. IF you could get him out now it would be a mercy to kill him don’t you think? That is what you’re beating yourself up with, it’s not the demons calling you back to hell it’s Adam who is calling you.”

 

Sam curled up into a fetal position on the couch and wept bitter tears. Dean looked at the doctor first then at Sam. Then he slid closer enfolding his brother into his arms. 

 

“If God is back on the job why hasn’t he fixed this situation?” Dean asked angrily.

 

“Because God knows as you do, it would be a mercy to destroy Adam utterly.” Castiel said entering the room. 

 

“You have a prescient way of showing up.”

 

“I can find them when they are with you, no other time.” He looked to Sam, “Is this what you want? In your heart of hearts. To free Adam?”

 

“I would give anything to have that happen.” Sam said.

 

“So would God,” Castiel said sighing as he walked around to face them. “He wants his General back in command, but for that to happen he has to have a viable host when he comes here. That job was turned down once; God is not prepared to have it happen again. The best deal that God will make with you is that you extend your life by an indeterminate amount of time, for that he would bring back Adam with Michael and permit him to return to earth occasionally to visit with you. But God himself would have to see to the healing of and reseating of Adam’s soul. God is willing to do this if you are willing to continue your charge and hunt as you will. Dean your life span will match Sam’s so the two of you are never alone.”

 

“Can this be done?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“You are not a man of God but a man of science, therefore your lack of faith is forgiven, but yes, it is possible.”

 

“Why has it taken so long? God could’ve done this the moment he was back on the job.” Dean asked. Suddenly there was a darkening sky and a clap of thunder. “Sorry God, Just asking! Jeez!” Dean said quickly. Then he looked at Sam, “What do you say little bro?” 

 

Carriggan in the meantime was starring out at a clearing sky and shivering slightly. 

 

“What do you need from me?” Sam asked.

 

Castiel looked at the doctor, “An admission of guilt.”

 

“You have it! I’m guilty, I’ve left Adam and Michael to suffer when they both should have been taken from there months ago. Please God forgive me!” Sam blurted. Still not recovered from his earlier spate of crying. Dean wrapped his arms around him and hugged him tightly. Then he looked at Castiel.

 

“Michael and Adam are recovering in the garden. Joshua is seeing to their comfort right now. The father is with them.” 

 

“Thank you Castiel, I don’t understand it completely, but thank you.” Carriggan said.

 

“It’s best you understand as little as possible to do with this point in their lives. It was a bitter, painful, and unrewarding period.” Castiel noted. The angel walked over to the pair on the couch and for a moment Carriggan swore he could see wings of snow white feathers fanning out encircling the boys. They both were crying now with Castiel soothing them, stroking their brows and caressing their faces.

 

“I must go now and assist the Father.” Castiel told them gently and then the wings spread again and he was gone. 

 

“I think I might just go to confession this afternoon.” Carriggan said in a small voice.

 

“The lapsed Catholic returning to the fold?” Dean asked.

 

“Stranger things have happened.” Carriggan said his voice still staggered. “What I’ve witness I can never speak of, but I surely will dream about it.” 

 

Then he cleared his throat and looked at Dean and Sam who were slowly regaining their composure. Carriggan looked at Sam seeing that the Ativan was now taking hold and relaxing him even as he let himself relax.

 

“We need to go and get ready to go visit our kids tonight.” Sam said looking at Dean. Dean looked at the doctor who looked at his clock. It was closing time for him. 

 

“What you need to do is to keep your butt on that sofa for a while longer. You’re on a feathers edge with this guilt train you’ve placed yourself on. Now you need to come to terms with that which is to be.” Carriggan said looking at Sam.

 

“What do you mean “which is to be?”” Dean asked.

 

“It’s obvious, if as you are both aware that Michael or Adam or both were rescued from this trap, they’re going to be both some serious mental and emotional scarring. Sam you’re going to have to find a way to visit Adam or have him visit you. You need to close this breach that’s opened.” Carriggan said.

 

“What if he doesn’t want to talk with me?” Sam asked quietly.

 

“Sam, Dean may not have said it, but I will, you don’t wear self-pity well. You’re going to have to brace up, grab yourself by the nuts and face him. If you would like to arrange to do it with me there, perhaps there is something that can be worked out. But that’s gotta happen.” The doc said seriously.

 

Dean and Sam shared a look, Dean winced at the pinched look on Sam’s face then shook his head gently. “He’s right, you do self-pity worse than me.” 

 

“Castiel?” Carriggan said quietly to the room. There was a flurry of angel wings and he was there.

 

“This is not the most convenient time to be disturbing me.” Castiel said giving the doctor a stern look. 

 

Carriggan seemed momentarily nervous about the issue and then finally, “When can Sam and Dean see Adam?”

 

“I can take them now if that’s their desire.” He said looking at the Sam and Dean. Who looked at each other and nodded. And in a moment they were all three gone leaving a disturbed Doctor watching the clock. He took the journal and opened it again and settled back to read while he waited.

 

On the other side of the wall Dean and Sam walked with Castiel through the gardens until they came to a grove of trees that shaded a moss padded area. They walked carefully over to where Adam lay on the ground seemingly asleep, but looking dead. Sam dropped to a sitting posture next to his step brothers body as Dean knelt behind him stroking his hair and shoulders as Sam reached out and took Adam’s hand. Sleepy eyes cracked open and Adam looked at Sam and Dean for a moment and smiled slightly.

 

“I don’t know how much of this will make sense, but I am so sorry for getting you involved in this mess.” Sam said through a film of tears.

 

Adam wearily shook his head, “My choice, well Michael’s choice. It was fucked but…” He dozed back off again. Sam looked up startled as he heard footsteps approaching. It was Joshua and Chuck Shurley. Chuck was smiling gently, Joshua had a semi-stern look on his face. 

 

“Boy’s it’s a good thing you’re on the Father’s side in this, otherwise I’d kick your collective butts.” He said.

 

Chucked laid his hand on Joshua’s arm. “I wasn’t prepared for him to make that sacrifice myself, and then when I found that he wasn’t strong enough to break the trap by himself. I felt I had to let him go. I understood what it meant to be in hell that long.”

 

“What will happen to him now?” Sam asked from his posture still holding to Adam’s hand. 

 

“He will heal then he will be given the choice to remain the vessel of Michael or to return to earth permanently. Knowing teenage cockiness, he’ll take the former.” Chuck said with a grin. “Now, go and let him rest, we will inform you when he is fully healed.” And with that Dean and Sam were sitting back on the sofa in Carriggan’s office.

 

“Meeting went well I take it?” The doctor said not looking up from his reading.

 

“He came around for a moment but then passed back out.” Sam admitted hoarsely.

 

“So, you’ve managed the impossible, think you are up to a group of screeching kids tonight?” Carriggan said closing the journal and looking at them both.

 

Dean and Sam traded a look and nodded at the doctor. “Come on bitch we got a show to do.” Dean said punching Sam in the arm playfully.

 

“Jerk.” Sam said back with a powerful love in his eyes.

 

“Two weeks gentlemen, and Sam.” He tossed the journal at him. “Put this somewhere safe, I don’t think you’ll need it anymore.” He looked at them both a moment. “I think I’ll get the missus, come into town for supper, and then take a walk on the boardwalk and listen to the sea a while.”

 

“What does your wife think when you get like this?” Dean asked smiling.

 

“She treasures it I think. She knows how stressful this job is. I never told you boys, but my way of blowing off steam at the end of the day is to go down to the basement at the house. We’ve got it decorated like a 60’s bar complete with working pinball machines. I’ll spend an hour playing pinball.” He said with a winsome smile.

 

“Best therapy in the world.” Dean agreed. He and Sam slowly rose from the couch and made their way to the door. 

 

Sam looked at Dean a moment. Then Dean shrugged and said “Come on.” He grabbed him with an arm around his shoulders and hugged him close as they walked out of the office and down the hallway. This time, Dean giving the surreptuous thumbs up gesture.

 

They got home and were there a few moments when Joshua appeared. “Evening boys. You’ve got some time to spare don’t you?” He said half question half statement. 

 

They nodded and were immediately transported to a fragrant garden, in a small glade where trees created bowers and mosses beds. On one of these beds reclining and seemingly asleep was Adam/Michael. Sam fell to his knees next to him and wept again. Even Dean blinked away tears. The sounds woke him and as he stirred they could see that Michael let Adam take control for a while. He reached out and touched Sam gently.

 

“Hey it’s okay, I’m fine, well fine now, earlier wasn’t so hot.” He said weakly. Sam bent down and hugged him.

 

“I’m so sorry! I should’ve tried harder to get you free of that place.” He sobbed.

 

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m free now, and me and Michael are getting along, he lets me have control now and then. I think he’s curious about humans. But he is strict, man is he ever strict. Dad had nothing on this guy.” Adam said with a grin. Sam couldn’t let go for a moment and just held onto him. “Sam, don’t do this bro. We were both so royally screwed, I’m just glad to be out of there.” Sam pulled back wiping his cheeks quickly. 

 

“Sorry about that, I guess I’m being a little girly right now.”

 

“Ya think!” Dean said jokingly.

 

“Shut it Dean.” Sam said. 

 

“If I get some free time to come down I will, I mean it’s okay if I come visit you guys isn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Dean answered. “You may as well know, me and Sam…”

 

“You’re a couple, I kinda had that figured out early on. Something about the way you both interacted. More than brothers type thing.” 

 

“Not a problem is it?” Dean asked.

 

“I don’t have to participate do I?” He asked and then looked at three who were laughing heartily now. Sam shook his head.

 

“No, but if you find a lady to hang out with that’s cool, bring her around as well.” Dean said.

 

Sam eased him back to the bed of mosses. “You need to rest, and we’re keeping you from it.”

 

“I’m just a little sleepy right now. “ Adam admitted, then his eyes defocused a moment and Michael took control. 

 

“I thought I would give the youngling time to sleep. He will have ample opportunity to visit with you. I’m going to be busy disciplining some angels that seem to have gotten out of line. I understand that a corp of rabble rousers who were loyalists to Raphael have been dealt with severely. “ Michael said looking at Joshua who nodded.

 

“You need your rest now as well. You can’t command a garrison, let alone the host in your condition at the moment. You need a week of rest and I’m here to see that you get it. So take your ease.”

 

“Until later then Sam, Dean.” Michael said and in an instant they were transported back to their home alone. 

 

“Dean, do you think we could go out to dinner and then check on the kids?” Sam asked.

 

“Sounds like as good of a plan as I’ve heard. Come on, grab your jacket. We’ll go to Outback. We deserve it.” Dean said with a grin.

 

They pulled on their jackets and crunched back outside through the snow to the Impala. Ready to venture forth.

 

Having wined and dined they went to the cancer center where there were five patients in the ward all bed bound for now, as they were on IV’s to replace fluids lost in the chemotherapy. There were three on one side and two on the other. Sam and Dean always took the extra bed to sit on and talk with them after going around to each one and checking in on them. At first they were reticent and didn’t know what to make of these two strangers who just popped in out of nowhere and seemed to make themselves at home, now a month on with them as regular guests they were treasured visitors as once again they brought tales that were borderline horror but always told with a successful ending. Tonight however, Timmy Braden was looking very tired and somewhat hollow eyed. Sam walked over to his bed, he was the oldest of the group at 8 years of age. He was bravely holding himself together and ignoring the look that Sam was giving him.

 

“You don’t know nothing about what I’m going through.” He said toughly. 

 

Sam nodded. “No, I don’t. I don’t even know what kind of cancer you have. You see we let you tell us what you want us to know. We told you that from day one.”

 

“I got a tough one.” He said bravely holding himself together. “It’s in a bad spot for a guy.”

 

“Oh, it’s there isn’t it? Right or left side?” Sam asked.

 

“Right.” 

 

“Dean…can we trade, someone here has a story they need to hear.” So they swapped partners and Dean sat down next to the bed. Sam had whispered “Testicular” to him as they passed.

 

“Bad place huh? What stage?” Dean asked. 

 

“Stage II.” He said a tear tracking down one cheek.

“Been there done that guy. I’d show you my scar but I’m liable to get kicked off the ward for that. I had it in my left side.” Now Timmy’s façade was crumbling slightly. “It’s tough man. But hey you can live with one, that’s why God gave you two of em.” He said with a grin. That touched Timmy’s barriers and they crumbled. Dean stood next to the bed, then sat down on it and grabbed up the little boy and rocked him gently. “You can be brave all you want, but even I did this many a time.” He rocked him some more until his crying tapered off. “It’s tough being the oldest, it tough being a guy with this, and it’s really tough to be a kid with cancer down there.”

 

He laid the boy back in the mattress and looked at him. “You got a brother?” 

 

“No, two sisters, they just know I got cancer. Mom and Dad won’t tell them where.” 

 

“Well there’s a blessing.” Dean said with a smothered laugh. “Look guy, you’re trying to tough this out on your own, you don’t have to do that. There are four others here with their own cancers, some are probably in embarrassing spots as well. You don’t have to tell everything, but you do have to let go sometimes. If you wanna cry, then turn loose and let it go. Nobody will think you’re a baby or a sissy if you do that. My brother over there. He held me many a time just like I did you when I was diagnosed.”

 

“Really!” Timmy said in awe.

 

“Yeah, and I don’t cry easy or prettily, I’m messy.” Dean told him.

 

“They done said they were going to have to operate to get it. Then they started giving me chemo. My hair’s coming out.” 

 

“It’s okay dude, I’ve got just the thing for situations like this.” Dean said cryptically.

 

“What’s that?” He asked.

 

“It’s a surprise. By the way, you into Baseball much?” 

 

“Yeah, the Yanks rocked this year.” 

 

“Just like our godson, he was in here as well, his was in his brain. They tried to get to it and couldn’t so it took him. But they can get to yours. And they can treat it. The main thing is don’t give up. You give up you may as well make like one of them cartoon birds with X’s for eyes.”

 

“That sucks.” Timmy said plainly. 

 

“Yeah it does. Ok, it’s about time for story time, you ready?” 

 

“Yeah, is it gonna be good and scary?” 

 

“You’ll find out.” Dean said as he and Sam took their places and told the tale of a wendigo hunt. They wrapped up the tale to several who were slightly keyed up but whose nighttime dose was kicking in and their little eyes were flagging fast. They went around and gave goodnight hugs and kisses. Then they said goodnight to the nursing staff and went on their way, stopping at Jangles for a drink and to listen to some music. The music selection tonight was sort of metal so that worked for Dean and wasn’t too jarring on Sam nerves. He and Dean kicked back a couple of Tequila shots with beer and then nursed the beer for the rest of their evening out. They got home late by their standards and turned in to a quiet night’s sleep. Lying in bed just starting to doze, Dean said, “That Timmy’s a slightly mixed up kid, he’d got cancer that no one wants to talk about least of all him. And he’s scared to death. He’s also losing his hair to chemo. He’s a Yank’s fan as well.” 

 

“Want to get him a Yankee skullcap?” Sam asked him. 

 

“Sure.” Dean said with a yawn. They hugged, kissed fervently, and soon dozed off on each other.


	40. Chapter 40

Two weeks, 14 days, 336 hours, a stretch of time to be bridged and unfortunately not an easy stretch for them to tackle, there was plenty of work going on for both of them. On top of which they hosted Adam/Michael for a visit. Albeit a short visit it still counted. 

 

Then came the day two days prior to the appointment when Sam slipped in the kitchen at work and fell square on his ass. Of course his boss insisted that he go to the ER to be checked over. And come to find out there was some impact damage to his spine but nothing that a little rest and some ibuprofen wouldn’t cure. He was given three days off with pay and sent home to recuperate griping all the way. He tried to get up and get his own supper that evening, but Dean wasn’t having that and had take out brought in a half and half pizza, half veggie and half psycho cholesterol buster. Of course that evening he was sore and he was also bitchy, so Dean coaxed him into the bath where they enjoyed a hot shower together. He dosed up again with the pain killer before bedtime and then slept the night through. 

 

Only to wake up the following morning barely able to move. Dean helped him hobble into the bathroom then back to bed. What really got to Sam was when Dean called Bob and asked off for the day. 

 

“You don’t have to take off, I can manage!” Sam argued.

 

“Dude you can barely walk from the bed to the bathroom and back, how the hell are you going to function here by yourself?”

 

Sam reluctantly gave in and let Dean have his way especially after Dean stood there and told him plainly. “If you can get out of bed and walk to the bathroom and back by yourself I’ll go to work.” 

 

“Fine!” Sam said and he started to sit up wincing in pain the whole while, then he managed to lever himself up in bed and stood, hunched over, but he stood, taking a step was another matter, just lifting one foot and moving seemed like a chore. “Ok, I busted by ass good. Have it your way.”

 

“I usually do.” Dean said with a grin. “Look I’m only trying to take care of you like you did me when I was recovering, be a little grateful.” 

 

Sam burrowed down in the comforter and looked sullen, “You know I don’t like being like this.” 

 

“What you don’t like is feeling like a burden, well, you’re not! You’re my brother and coincidentally my lover, and if he state has their way about it, soon to be my husband. So in my nicest voice and manner I will simply tell you to GET THE FUCK OVER IT!” Dean walked around the bed and climbed into his side still in his sleeping sweatpants. “You are no dainty daisy, but you’re also not fit to be left by yourself today. IF I did go into work I’d be worried about you all day. Worry and power tools don’t mix, so not only would you be endangering yourself, yes I know all you got is wounded pride, but you’d be endangering me. So get a grip and deal with it.” Dean said firmly.

 

“We got our appointment tomorrow with Doc Carriggan.” Sam said worriedly.

 

“Only if you can walk a straight line.” Dean told him. 

 

“What about the kids tonight?” Sam mentioned alarmed.

 

“I’ll call the hospital later on and let them know that we’re going to have to skip tonight and I’ll tell them why so they can relate it to the kids that Uncle Sam fell down and broke his butt.” 

 

“I didn’t break anything.” Sam argued.

 

“Which considering that tile floor in the kitchen over there is amazing.” Dean curled up against Sam and threw a protective arm across his chest, hugging him deeply. Then he sighed deeply. “I just worry about you.”

 

“God, it’s a good thing that men can’t get pregnant otherwise I’d be propped up in bed and catered to for nine months.” Sam said with a hint of a grin.

 

“Bull shit, you’d probably be working up until the point your water broke. And as far as men and pregnancy, don’t forget what happened to Rupert Crush over in Pennsylvania. He killed that witch but not before she cursed him and he came up preggers. Took a bit of work to keep that hushed up and he nearly died in the process. No, I’m just grateful that we are the sperm donors, the women do the real, hard work. Goddamn but they deserve a medal for carrying a little life around like that for nine months.” 

 

Sam picked that moment let out a momentous yawn, which Dean echoed and they curled back up together and were soon dozing again. When they woke up again it was after 10:00 with Sam groaning as he attempted to shift to a more comfortable position in bed. Dean helped him turn and he was only able to hold that position for a few moments until the pain in his hips became unwieldy. The hospital could have prescribed him some serious painkillers but Sam had refused under the notion that it was just a small ache and that it would soon ease up. Now he was taking four ibuprofen, prescription strength with a glass of milk. In a half hour the medication was working its magic and Sam felt remarkably pain-free. He cajoled Dean into helping him into the living room where he could at least stretch out on the couch and watch TV. That lasted about three hours, then the medication was peaking and slowly leeching itself out of his system bringing back the pain with it. They got back into bed, however the good news was that between the getting up and down like that, plus the medication, relieved some of the muscle stiffness and permitted him to get up and hobble into the bathroom by himself. 

 

He was more than a bit grateful for that range of motion. So that when it came time for lunch he insisted that he at least be given the chance to try and come to the table. Dean put an extra cushion on the seat and Sam was able to make it through one of Dean’s culinary specialties. A grilled cheese and tomato sandwich with fresh basil, along with a bowl of tomato soup. He made it through both courses with Dean helping him back to bed where had a heating pad ready for him. He spent 30 minutes on low heat and none. That seemed to help the 30 minutes on again off again method. 

 

By that evening Sam was able to sit up in bed and soon hobbled into the living room mainly for a change of scenery. They were on the couch together with Sam laying his head in Dean’s lap as they watched an episode of CSI:NY. Then Dean put in a movie and they watched “Doom” giving their own filler gaffs every now and then what they perceived was the bad acting and directing. They were laughing heartily by the time the credits were rolling up. Sam slowly levered himself into a sitting position, wincing at the still tender muscles.

 

“Who’d thought just falling on my ass would hurt this much?” Sam griped.

 

“Look at it like this, with all the rest you’ve had today and babying it, maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and the worst of the pain will be over with.” Dean offered. They tucked into bed then after a bit and Sam despite his protestations to the contrary was soon drifting off to sleep in moments.

 

The next morning Sam woke first, and after slowly sitting up in bed was rewarded with little or no intense pain. Oh it still hurt, but it was nowhere near as sore as it had been. He managed to get to the bathroom and back with little hobbling this time and was grateful when he slowly lay back down. Dean grinned behind him and curled his arm protectively over his chest. 

 

“Good job.” Dean muttered. 

 

“I got up to go pee.” Sam said.

 

“Yes, but you did it without any help from me.” Dean pointed out. It was later that afternoon that Dean managed to shepherd Sam to the car and get him settled, then they headed into town to the doc’s office. There they didn’t have to wait long and Dean helped him in to the consulting room and onto the couch. “Stretch out and put your head in my lap.”

 

“Dean!” Sam argued. He got bitchface number one in return and so he complied. Dr. Carriggan came in shortly after looking slightly harried and noticed the position.

 

“Am I interrupting?” He said good naturedly.

 

“Nah, Sasquatch here took a dive and busted his ass at work.” Sam tried to sit up but Dean held him fast. “And he doesn’t appreciate when I’m trying to do him a favour.”

 

“It’s okay Sam, enjoy the mother hen attitude from your Mister for a while.” He looked concerned. “Any word on Adam?” 

 

“We heard through Joshua the other day that he is recovering and should be back on the job in about 2 weeks at this rate.” Sam noted.

 

“Good, from what you told me and what I barely understood from your phoned in conversation it was a particular issue of pain and angst with you. So, how have you both been doing?” He asked.

 

Dean looked around a moment and Sam caught his attention by butting his head into his stomach. “You tell or I do.”

 

Dean shifted a bit, “I went to Doc Samuelson over the two weeks for a checkup. The kidney is still looking good but there’s a problem with an enlarged prostate gland. We’ve been given order to take it easy on the sexplay and I’m on some more drugs to try to reduce the swelling. It’s nothing major, I don’t know why Sammy here thinks it is.” Dean said expansively.

 

“Probably because you came in from that appointment that afternoon and blew me off and not in a nice way. You wanted to be alone, and you were brooding. You wouldn’t talk to me, and shall I go on?” Sam asked sarcastically.

 

“No, you did a great job right there.” Dean groused.

“Well don’t bitch at me because you got your panties in a twist over it and wouldn’t let me in.” Sam said angrily.

 

“Still a bone of contention I take it?” Carriggan asked.

 

“You could say that. It’s quite a bone of contention.” Sam agreed.

 

“Sam, I was already worried sick about it, I didn’t want to share the stress.” Dean said trying to dismiss it. 

 

Sam on the other hand took grave exception to his attitude and slowly pulled himself up to a sitting position. He stared at Dean with what could only be bitchface number 500. A thundercloud seemed to form on his brow as he starred daggers at his brother. 

 

“The last month before your check up when I topped you bitched about it hurting, so I took it easy on you. Then the last week before your check up you were have pain when you came. I think that’s reason to share the stress.” Sam said obviously hurt. 

 

“Dean may I interject into the conversation a bit of medical observation?” Carriggan said quietly.

 

“Please.” Dean asked.

 

“You fucked up.” Carriggan held up his hands to forestall Dean. “You are more than just brothers now by admission, you are lovers and you share a common bond and I’m not talking about your being brothers, I’m talking about your lovers side. By not telling Sam you took any decision that he could help you make, and comfort he could give you and threw it right back in his face. How exactly is he supposed to feel?”

 

Dean looked uncomfortable for a moment and then took Sam’s hand, “I’m sorry Sammy, this was a major event, we don’t know exactly what it is right now, the doc is thinking prostratistis, it doesn’t look like he’s gonna have to cut, but he does want me on the antibiotics and medication for a bit longer. I should’ve told you but…” Dean looked away for a minute uncomfortable then in a near whisper, “I was scared.”

 

“Which is exactly the reason you should’ve told me. We’re supposed to be a team. A team shares stuff like this.” Sam said looking at Dean imploringly.

 

“I’m sharing it now.” Dean said in a little boy’s voice. 

 

“Let me take a wild stab in the dark and say that you were thinking you were dealing with prostate cancer?” Sam said sliding slowly back over towards him.’’

 

“That thought crossed my mind.” Dean said.

 

“But you had nothing to back up the thought with did you?” Carriggan said.

 

“No just the preliminary tests which were inconclusive. My PSA count in the blood was showing some strange levels so he did an immediate checkup of up then did an MRI. It clean of cancer but is inflamed and swollen. Dean said quietly. “Then Sam fell and busted his ass and that took my mind off it a few days. There are telltale signs, like some pain when I piss, and that area of my abdomen is tender. Other than that no problem.” 

 

“Just an observation from an interested observer, but you might want to check to see if anyone has it in for you. You’ve had a lot of accidents and medical misfortune lately.” Carriggan noted.

 

“We’ve considered that, and are checking out prospects. It’s not too farfetched that there is someone out there with a hex working on us. I called Bobby in three days ago; he’s wrapping up a situation in Virginia and will be right up.”

 

“Good, I advise backup on this. How is this affecting you emotionally?” Carriggan asked. “Aside from the fact that you withheld information from Sam, and you Sam, obviously withheld some information from all of us.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Sam said suddenly nervous.

 

“Let me take a wild stab in the dark and say that when you fell you broke your coccyx bone?” Carriggan said to him directly. Sam suddenly found the bookshelves behind Carriggan exceedingly interesting.

 

“Sam?” Dean asked curious.

 

“Yeah okay, I broke my tail bone, but it’s healing.” Sam said defensively.

 

“As is Dean’s prostate, the thing is you deceived him as well.” Carriggan said quietly.

 

Sam hung his head. 

 

“All kinds of secrets coming out of the woodwork now. What’s next on the agenda there Sammy?”

 

“Well, I’m NOT pregnant.” Sam said defensively.

 

Carriggan’s eyebrows shot up. “There has been a case of male pregnancy reported in the hunter community it was just kept REAL hush, hush.” Dean commented.

 

“I should imagine it would. That’s something the medical community would kick up their heels to find out more about. Dean, Sam, if either one of you, it this happens, I’ll do my best to shield you, but you’ll have to work with me. I’m going WAY out on a limb here.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Don’t worry, we’re doing everything possible to avoid something like this happening.” Sam said.

 

Carriggan got up and walked around the small room a moment taking in the conglomeration of books and media then turned to the boys. “Are there any other secrets you’d like to out while you’re in here?” 

 

There was a shake of the head from both of them. “Good because now I can get to work. Dean you need to be more open with Sam about this situation and Sam you need to seek medical attention to repair that break.” Carriggan said firmly to both of them. “I’m not your father, so I can’t order you around like he did however as your physician and as a friend, I STRONGLY advise you to get these matters seen to immediately.” 

 

“Yes sir.” Sam muttered as did Dean.

 

“Now as to your bedroom life, while you’re undergoing the prostatistis I would advise no sex or at least let you, Dean be the dominant partner in the role. The physical discomfort you can control a lot easier that way.” Carriggan advised.

 

Dean and Sam nodded. “Good now that that is out of the way we can get on to other things in this session. Specifically, how do you feel about your role in this partnership now Dean?” 

 

“Much better actually, I know I got one ball, but I don’t dwell on it, there’s a kid at the cancer center, 8 years old, and he has to go through the same thing, so this gives me someone to work with and focus on. He’s in stage II and is undergoing chemo along with having the nut taken. The doctors found tracers in some of his other glands, so this is not a good sign. He’s a tough little shit, but this has taken the wind out of his sails big time.” Dean said.

 

“Good, you can help each other out.” Carriggan said, and then looked at Sam, “Do you have any special ones in the ward?” 

 

“All of them. They all grab at my heart but I’m being careful about this. I don’t want to have a repeat scenario of last year.” He said remembering the near breakdown he experienced from letting himself get more involved than he should have. He was somewhat more careful now, loving each of their charges but only getting just so close and that was all. But as he thought it he knew it was a lie as he knew each little face on that ward and just what they caused him to expend.

 

Carriggan wasn’t so blind that he couldn’t see the truth either. He looked at Sam with gentle eyes. “I know you love them all just remember what it cost you last time. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

Sam looked away from a moment then looked back at the doc. “It’s hard not to like these kids.” 

 

“I’m not saying to not like them. I’m just saying keep your attachments distant.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Can’t do that.” Sam argued. “We are the only other ones aside from their parents, the doctors and the nurses they get to see on a regular basis. We aren’t connected to the parents so they can talk to us and tell us things they can’t tell anyone else. If we cut that off from them, we may as well stop visiting all together.”

 

“Then you’re going to have to set aside a period of time to recuperate when you lose one. You’re going to have to have that recovery time.” Carriggan said. “I can be here to help you heal but soon enough you’re going to learn those steps as well. And I won’t be angry if you do, in fact, I’ll be proud that you’re taking these talks to heart.” Sam nodded soberly. “I’ve said it before and I’ll repeat myself, you both are benefitting from this experience. So long you’ve spent your life on destruction of things that go bump in the night, that now you can give comfort to kids who are terrified not of the monster under their bed but the monster under their skin.”

 

“Whoa doc, major mind trip there!” Dean said 

 

“Dean, you’ve gotta face facts, you two are the reason many of the kids sleep at night. You’ve given them monsters, faced and defeated, giving them hope that they can defeat this monster.”

 

“I appreciate what you’re saying doc. But we’re …”

 

“You two have taken on a task which has given you rewards emotionally, fed you spiritually and ate you up as well, emotionally and, well yes, physically.” Carriggan noted.

 

“I’d do the same all over again.” Dean said evenly.

 

“Ditto.” Sam said.

 

Carriggan shook his head smiling sadly, “That’s the kicker, you two WOULD do it all over again the same way because this feed your emotional needs to be helpers. You are the original lifeguards in this great swimming pool called humanity. Well lads, it’s time to hand in the water wings and let somebody else take over for a while.” 

 

“That’s just it Doc. We’re the only ones the nursing staff trusts with their patients on the care basis that we are taking to them. We’re down to three days, We intentionally plan events on the other four days that detach us from the hospital. We go to the movies, or ride over to the boardwalk when the games and rides are open, hell we go over there when they aren’t just for the solitude.”

 

“That’s good, but eventually you’ll move on, if you don’t have someone trained to fill in for you you’ll be leaving these kids high and dry.” Carriggan accused.

 

“What makes you think we’re moving on?” Sam asked his brow furrowed slightly. 

 

“The nature of the beast. You’ve already proven that you are at best nomads. You’ve just put your tent up here longer than you have anywhere else recently.”

 

“He’s got us there Sammy.” Dean admitted.

 

“We’re buying a house for cripes sakes. We’ve both got full time jobs, good jobs.” Sam blurted. “We’re not going anywhere soon.”

 

“The operative word there is soon, you’ll move on eventually, so you’ve got a choice. You can pull back supporting the cancer center in the future to eliminate the need to have people like you coming in, or you can work with some of the local natives and recruit those you think would make good storytellers. Or finally, you can spend your remaining days around this area. You could do worse by a long shot.” Carriggan noted.

 

“We’ve not thought that far ahead.” Dean admitted reluctantly. 

 

“You might want to take a week off and give it some thought. You need to be training bards to take over for you.” 

 

“Bards, I like that.” Sam said grinning.

 

“You would, you Renn Faire Freak.” Dean kidded him. “Hell I don’t know how to even begin recruiting for something like this. I mean we can’t just pop in at a church and tell this we got this going otherwise they’ll turn it into some good-two shoes mission statement.” 

 

“Maybe you can do that…St. Joes over on Industrial is Irish Catholic with a youngish group and some brought up at the knees of their grandsires. They’d have some good material to draw on and would be willing to study up if they’re approached right.”

 

“We’ll check it out.” Sam agreed thinking on it hard. “The main thing is that these kids or adults need to be willing to tell kids horror stories, spook and ghost tales. Fear helps them deal with this fear. They also …we’re going to be busy Dean.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that already.” Dean groaned. “Church, again…”

 

“You’ve some problem with that I take it?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Not really, well nothing major.” Sam started.

 

“Says you.” Dean griped.

 

“Would it help you to know they are a somewhat liberal Catholic church with several gay couples. They’re kind of quiet about that part though.” Carriggan said throwing them the bait.

 

“It can’t hurt to at least visit.” Sam said.

 

“I’m not going back in the closet for anybody or anything.” Dean challenged.

 

“Oh you’ll definitely fit in with that mindset over there then. There are a few rebelliously gay couples. You might do worse than to check them out.” Carriggan noted sitting forward in his chair now relieved. 

 

“I said I’d think about it.” Dean said.

 

“Do I get a say in this?” Sam asked a touch petulantly. Dean flinched.

 

“Yeah.” Dean replied sheepishly.

 

“I’d like to check it out. We need some kind of attachment to a social community other than our workgroups. A church group isn’t the worst thing we could come by.”

 

“If you’re allergic to the Catholics with the big “C” there are the little “c” groups of Episcopalians who openly welcome gay couples in.”

 

Dean and Sam nodded, and then looked at the other for a moment before responding. A habit they’d long had established now. “We’ll think about that option.” Dean said quietly.

 

“Well let’s get back to the prostratitis thing for a moment.”

 

“Do we gotta?” Dean asked wincing.

 

“Just for a moment, I want to be Dr. Ruth for a moment and give you a little sexual advice. You will probably find that the more comfortable position is for you Dean to lie on your back with Sam straddling you. It will take pressure off the prostate. Also drink water like it’s going out of style. Not water filtered through hops and grain, but straight up water. That will help you out, well you probably already heard all that already.” Carriggan said catching himself.

 

“Something like that.” Dean admitted flushing slightly.

 

“How do you feel about the issue?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Just another thing to be dealt with.” Dean said.

 

“That’s not what I meant.” 

 

“I know, Doc what can I say, that’s attacking my sexual life, I don’t like it.” Dean said firmly.

 

“Good, it’s good that you don’t like it. That’ll help you out loads.” Carriggan said. “Keep not liking it, and fight it just like you would if it were cancer.” He noted Dean’s look and bore on, “I’m serious about this, you need to pour on the steam with the hate for this thing. That kind of emotional energy will help cure it quicker. Do alter your sexual schedule for this, that is if you have a schedule.”

 

Sam blushed a little, “Doc if we’re horny we fuck.” He said flatly.

 

“Gotcha.” Carriggan said colouring as well. “Then don’t alter that. You might also want to depend a little more on oral sex for a while, without uh stimulating the prostate.” 

 

“Understood.” Dean said cringing slightly at the thought for the moment. He was sore enough he didn’t want anything touching him there for the time being. 

 

“Now homework, talk to each other more, and out yourselves when you have physical issues going on. Quit trying to play the macho kingly man thing and take care of each other.” Carriggan said.

 

“Oh God, this is going to get like one of those Nicholas Spark books.” Dean griped.

 

“Oh you’ve read The Notebook?” Carriggan asked.

 

“NO!” Dean blurted.

 

Carriggan laughed. “Try the one where he and his brother travel cross country on bicycles. You’ll find that one illuminating. “Three Weeks with my brother” is the title.””

 

“I’ll think about it.” Dean mentioned. 

 

“I’m the reader in our family, I’ll look about a copy and read it first to make sure it won’t feminize you too much Dean.” Sam said.

 

“Whatever.” Dean shot.

 

“Well that’s all for this session, just do like I said, be more open on all issues this week, you might find a common ground for looking at each other differently.”

 

They rose, Sam with some difficulty, Dean with a decided grunt. Carriggan just smiled. He knew there would be hell to pay on the ride home. 

 

“Stop somewhere on the way home and have a drink, that’s my prescription for the day. You need some time together in somewhere other than your house or the hospital.”

 

“Okay Doc.” Dean said as he threw an arm around Sam’s waist to help support him. They hobbled out of the office.


	41. Chapter 41

It was Thursday of the week following their appointment that Dean was rushed into ER from the job site. Sam was called to meet him there. 

 

Sam didn’t have to ask where Dean was he just followed the sound of the invective shouting. The nurse led him back to where he found Dean on a stretcher, bleeding profusely from his right boot. They’d given him a pretty high powered nerve block. His cursing was his own way of dealing with the stupidity of the situation. 

 

The nurses and doctor moved with professionalism and precision brought from long practice and not a few grins for Dean’s cursing himself.

 

“OF ALL THE GODDAMNED ROOKIE STUNTS TO PULL!” He bellowed at one point. Sam wisely stayed plastered against a wall out of the flight path of the nurses.

 

“What did you do?” Sam asked calmly. 

 

“Oh hey!” Dean said noticing Sam over by the wall. “I was toenailing in a two by four for a window and my damn foot got in the way of the nail gun.”

 

“How bad?” Sam winced in sympathetic pain. 

 

“The thing shot three rounds before I could get it stopped.” Dean crashed his head back on the gurney. Bob’s pissed at having me off this job right now, I’m pissed at being stuck like this, and Bob’s took that nail gun off line to check it out. The piece of shit nail gun fired the nails with the safety bar down. I’m telling you bro, we got a jinx riding our backs.” 

 

It took the doctors another hour but they managed to salvage his boot and get the nails out and get the bleeding stopped. On top of which they hung an IV line to replace fluids lost in the transfer. They got his foot bandaged and a pair of crutches for him to get around with. They’d initiated boosters for tetanus and were dickering with the idea of giving him a pint of blood when they decided against that. Finally they got him doped up on some pain medication and turned him over to Sam’s care. Dean was able to walk with the crutches and he winced slightly getting into the Impala.

 

Sam got them home where he looked at Dean on the bed. “This round of medical bullshit didn’t start until we went to Carriggan’s for the first time.” Sam noted. 

 

They talked it out for some few minutes until the medication was really kicking into effect with Dean who was stretched out on the couch with the foot on a pillow. Just then there was a knock at the door. Sam went over and it was Bob, Juan, and Herb from his work crew. 

 

“We wrapped early for the day.” Bob explained as he was invited in. “I want to give all the guns a once over. I checked out yours and there was no reason for it to have done that and you’re a smart enough carpenter to know not to get your finger on the trigger until the gun is on the wood.”

 

“He got some bad mojo on him.” Juan said seriously.

 

“What you know about that?” Dean asked drunkenly.

 

“My Maria, she got the sight, when we were over last week, she see the monkey riding your backs.” Juan told him.

 

“Can that shit, Juan, the man’s about to pass out as it is. We’ll go and leave you in peace. How long you gonna be off work?” Bob asked.

 

“Give me a couple of days to get over the bleeding and shit, make sure no infection sets in and I’ll be back.” Dean said.

 

“Take a week.” Bob said.

 

“I can’t afford a week off boss. Come on!” Dean griped.

 

“I’d rather lose you for a week to heal than to have you stomping around a work site getting worse hurt.” 

 

“Well Goddamn it.” Dean griped. “Ok, till Wednesday next week then.” He said as the medication slowly pulled him down to sleep. Sam saw them to the door. Juan cornered Sam before leaving.

 

“Maria will make you up some hex bags. You keep them with you, I bring them over this evening.”

 

“Thanks Juan.” Sam answered. 

 

The house was quiet then for a while with little or no commotion going on aside from street noise. Dean slept through the afternoon then roused himself long enough to stump to the bathroom and back. He stretched back out on the couch and looked over to see Sam watching TV in relative silence.

 

“How you feeling?” Sam asked.

 

“Meds are starting to wear off. The nerve block is pretty much history and the stuff they shot me up with is on the same road.” 

 

“I went while you were napping and got your pain med prescription filled. So you got a dozen Oxycontin.”

 

“Shit, that stuff will just make me sleep some more.” Dean griped. 

 

“Hang on I ordered in some pizza a little while ago and we got beer. You need to eat.” Sam observed.

 

Sam brought the box of pizza in and set it on the coffee table along with a couple of beers. They both dug in and helped themselves to a semi-hot lunch. Then Dean took his Oxycontin and lay back down.

 

“This shit’s gonna get old fast.” Dean said angrily.

 

“Just give it a chance to work.” Sam said trying to ease him. 

 

“I don’t wanna be pampered.” Dean said angrily.

 

“Well what the fuck do you want?” Sam returned with equal anger.

 

“I want this shit to stop.” 

 

“So do I Dean.” Sam said tiredly. “I’m making a call.”

 

“Who too?” Dean asked.

 

“Carriggan.” Sam responded. Sam dug out his cell phone and speed dialed the doctor’s office number.

 

“Dr. Carriggan’s office.” Came the friendly response.

 

“Hey it’s Sam Winchester, can you please ask the doc to give me a call when he has a moment please?” 

 

“Hold one, he’s in between patients right now, let me see if I can get him.” It was a short one.

 

“Sam?” Carriggan said quickly.

 

“Hi doc. Quick question, did you have a new patient come along about the same time as us?” Sam asked.

 

“I’ll have to check records, hold on a second.” Sam could hear him rattling keys on his laptop. “I had two that came on when you did why?” 

 

“Is one of them a bit unusual, like us?” Sam asked.

 

“You know I can’t talk about patients.” Carriggan said.

 

“Doc please bear with me, it has to do with the run of emergency calls and the like we’ve been experiencing?” 

 

“You thinking the jinx thing again?” Carriggan asked. “What happened?” 

 

“Dean accidently drove three sixteen penny nails through his foot at work.” Sam replied.

 

“Oh my God! Is he alright?” Carriggan asked concerned.

 

“He’s on Oxycontin right now, so he’s feeling no pain.”

 

“I guess that’s a good thing then. Okay hold on let me do a records check.” There was an additional rattling of keys. “Okay one is paranoid schizo and the other is an associative disorder. Both exhibit erratic symptoms, but…” He paused a moment. “This is something I’m going to have to take care of from my end.”

 

Sam winced, he was afraid of this. “Doc be real careful, they could wrap you up in this.” 

 

“I’m usually careful.” Carriggan noted and then, “Don’t worry, I’ll treat this with great care.” 

 

They disconnected their call and Sam looked at Dean who was drifting. The news could wait, it waited this long.

 

After he saw that Dean was back under for another nap he got up and started quietly doing some chores he’d held off doing. It was early evening when he was once again sitting across from Dean on the loveseat with his laptop that he heard his brother yawning, and then saw him stretching.

 

“Feel better?” Sam asked.

 

“Compared to what?” Dean asked. “Nah it hurts some but it’s nothing I can’t manage.” 

 

“Will you be alright here alone if I go into work tomorrow?” Sam asked.

 

“Yeah I can manage fine, it’s not like I got a broke leg.” Dean answered. Just then there was a knock at the door. Sam sat his laptop aside and went to get it. It was Juan and Maria. Sam let them in gladly.

 

“It’s a good thing I got here when I did. Salt lines work on some things, hexes like this are another matter.” Maria said “Here, you’re probably eating take out, you need something better than that.” She then passed Sam a casserole dish that was still quite warm. She walked over to the couch and gave Dean a long appraising stare. “That’s what I thought. You got a chupacabra riding you.” She leaned down and pushed a small pouch at him. He cringed for a moment. “It’s the chupacabra, he don’t want to let go. Take the bag.” She ordered.

 

Dean did and immediately felt lighter. He noticed it had a thong of leather to be worn around the neck and he put it on immediately.

 

“Thank you Maria, thank you.” He said pointing to the love seat, “Sit down you two. How did you know about this chupacabra?”

 

She made a dismissive gesture. “Some people can see more than they can see.” She explained with a secret smile. “Juan’s told me some of your stories, I thought at first they were caca until I saw the chupacabra on your shoulders. Some bendejo put it there.” She said smartly then as Sam came back into the room she passed him a bag as well, “Wear that, they were blessed by a priest this afternoon so they’re the real thing.” She said with a grin. “So tell me a story!” She said to Dean who was awake now.

 

Dean lay there with Sam throwing in helpful reminders now as then as they plowed through some of their hunts. Her eyes grew big after a few moments and she looked at them. 

 

“You were doing God’s work and you just gave it up!?” She asked. 

 

“We had to for a while. It was too much.” Dean said in a quiet tone.

 

“Oh yes, the burden, it does get heavy doesn’t it?” She asked.

 

“Too heavy, we’ve been seeing a doctor to help us through this.” Dean admitted shamed.

 

“Nothing to cry over, or be ashamed of, being a cazador sobrenatural, it gets old.”

 

“You’re hunters?” Sam asked.

 

“We came off the road five years ago. We needed a break, there was some bad shit going on in Mexico, we handled most of it then immigrated.” Juan said. “Like Maria say, it gets old.” 

 

Sam went in and came back in with some shot glasses on a tray and a bottle of whiskey. 

 

“You got time for a drink?” He asked. The nodded gratefully as he poured. 

 

Maria raised her glass. “To the death of chupacabra everywhere.” 

 

“I’ll drink to that one darling.” Dean said sipping at his shot. He shrugged, “I’m on some heavy duty pain killers, I don’t know how this’ll mix so I’m taking it slow.” 

 

They sat back and visited trading stories now until around 11:00 when Dean stifled a yawn. Maria fussed at the hour and she and Juan made their departure. Then Sam helped Dean to bed and managed to get him out of his jeans without much full and into his sleeping sweats. Sam undressed and crawled into bed with Dean only just getting settled when his cell phone went off. Grumbling he got up and grabbed it noticing the caller ID.

 

“Doc?” Sam said concerned.

 

“Tomorrow, my office, noon. Be there.” And he hung up.

 

“What was that about?” Dean asked. 

 

“That was Carriggan and I think he’d found something big. Sam went into the living room bringing his laptop back in with him he sat up in bed as Dean started to doze off. Then after an hour he got up and set the laptop aside assembling a kit bag to carry with him tomorrow. 

 

He crawled back into bed and snuggled up to Dean who sighed contentedly as they both fell asleep. 

 

The next day at noon Sam took an extended lunch break and went to Dr. Carriggan’s office. He barely got there when the doctor himself called him back. He got him into his actual office and showed Sam what he had. 

 

It was a patient’s file. The patient was Hispanic, homophobic, outspoken, and beset with some severe associative disorders. 

 

“You’re saying this is him?” Sam asked.

 

“I know it is, that was the only file I went through yesterday, I drove home and nearly ran into a broken down car in my lane of traffick, this morning on the way out of the house, I fell and just missed a garden stake. All this happened when I took a gander at this file.

 

Sam opened his kit bag and was grateful the doctors floors were hardwood. He drew a devil’s trap and put the file in the center of it. 

 

“It there anything that actually belonged to the patient?” Sam asked. The doctor produced a vial of blood. 

 

“From a drug test we did. We still have the sample.” He passed the vial to Sam who immediately sat it in the circle. Suddenly there was a vibration of the materials and then Sam started a chant in latin, then liberally doused the whole of the file and vial with a flask of holy water. There was a distinct sizzle then the door burst open. A wide eyed young Hispanic man ran into the office followed by the nurses. 

 

“It’s okay, I’ve got this under control.” The doctor said looked at the young man who vibrated and seemed to pass between the emotions of anger, sadness, fear, and sickness then cycled again. Dean turned and splashed him with holy water.

 

“In nomine domine saboath sui filiique ite ad infernos.” Sam intoned quickly, the young man’s head flew back and a cloud of black oily smoke belched out and through the vent. After a moment the smoke was gone and the young man sagged visibly. Sam caught him and he looked at Sam with disgust before pulling away from him. 

 

“haz de leña!” He screeched and leaned away from him. “What have you done?” He said defiantly.

 

“Gloria patri, et filii, et spiritu sanctus, amen.” Sam muttered and the man flinched again.

 

“You’re power over us is broken, with Dr. Carriggan as my witness I accuse you of being possessed of a chupacabra, I accuse you to exercising the rites and rituals of black magic, and I accuse you of attempting to harm us both. Further if ANY harm befalls any here, or my brother at home, I will do more than exorcise you.” He turned to another emblem he’d drawn on the floor and tossed some herbs on a small brazier. Instantly Balthazar appeared. He looked at Sam a moment then his attention was drawn to the young man. 

 

“Ah there you are, the plaything of Meg, You’ve caused enough trouble, cause any more and one of my brothers will have to smite you. Do we understand each other?” Balthazar asked.

 

“Completely.” The answer came quickly. And like that Balthazar was gone. The young man cringed on the floor. 

 

The young man looked at each of them then bolted from the office. Sam bent down and started clearing his tools and the chalk. 

 

“I have so got to learn more about this.” Carriggan said.

 

Sam sighed, “If you are serious about that, I’ll see you get some material to work with but don’t think this is a game.”

 

“Oh hell no!” Carriggan said firmly. “I doubt I’ll be seeing that patient again. What do you suspect he will do?” 

 

“Suicide.” Sam said. “He’s been stripped of his power. He’s vulnerable now, he’ll attempt to call a demon and they will read him for what he is and what has happened to him. They’ll rebuke him and probably drive him mad. Doc, for all intents and purposes he is far beyond your help now.”

 

Carriggan shook his head. “It’s a shame, but maybe you’ll be wrong, maybe he’ll see the eh, error of his ways and come back out of this morass.”

 

“There’s always hope.” Sam agreed finishing tidying up the office. “Sorry about that. I uh, needed to use that for a moment.”

 

“You will of course show me the symbols and circles you use?” Carriggan asked.

 

“You’re serious about this?” Sam said.

 

“Very.” Carriggan nodded. Sam returned the nod and then stood. 

 

“We got see the kids tonight, we’ll meet at our place tomorrow night say around 7:00?” 

 

“Sounds good.”

 

“Welcome to our school.” Sam said in way of greeting.

 

That evening Dean and Sam managed to make their way to the cancer center. Dean was not about to miss out because of some fool luck. His first stop was Timmy’s bedside.

 

“Hey dude, how the hanging?” 

 

“Don’t feel so good tonight, had Chemo today.” He said his voice brittle.

 

“Why don’t I do this then?” Dean said as he sat down on the bed and held Timmy close. The tough little eight year old let his frustration blow in a torrent and gripped at Dean as he rode out the misery. The other kids looked on and nodded. One of the real young ones looked up at Sam.

 

“He can have Teddy if that’ll help.” 

 

“I think he just needs some Dean time, don’t you?” Sam offered.

 

The little one looked and nodded, “uh huh, I feel like that sometimes.”

 

Sam got up and got in a position where the others could hear that could not get out of bed. 

 

“We know this is scary, it was scary for us when Dean had it. But it’s not something you have to give in to. In fact, fighting it is a good thing. But so is crying. Sometimes we get sad, and sometimes we get sad but don’t know why. When you’re like that it’s okay to cry, it’s a good thing. You see crying sometimes is the bodies way of getting rid of fear, sadness, anger, all that stuff.” 

 

Timmy was still holding Dean and crying. The tears seeming to come from places so dark to defy imagination, however, Sam knew them for what they were. These tears were the beginning of hysteria over the situation. Finally one of the nurses came out and injected a small amount of medication into Timmy IV line and he relaxed visibly. And the tears slowly subsided as he leaned into Dean now, tired and weak. Dean helped him lay down again and slowly managed to work his way from Timmy’s grip. The little boy was emotionally spent and was sleeping now. Dean got up and went to the nurse’s station.

 

“What the story on him?” Dean asked.

 

“It’s in Stage III and in his lymph nodes, we are doing everything to make him comfortable, his parents want him in the ward where he at least has exposure to other children, and you two. But a time is coming, quickly when we’re going to have to sequester him for hospice care.” She shook her head, tears gleaming in the light. “If you got any miracles in your back pocket now would be a good time to bring them out.” She said tiredly.

 

“Aw shit.” Dean said succinctly as he walked away towards Sam. He reached Sam and grabbed him in fierce hug. They pulled apart and bumped foreheads, the closest thing they could do to coming to a kiss on the ward. Then they went around to each bed and tucked the kids in for the night. Finally they sat down for a good ripping story which had most of them yawning before the end.

 

On their way out of the hospital they stopped in the chapel a moment, it was quite and empty at this hour. 

 

Dean pulled out his cell phone and speed dialed a number.

 

“It’s been a while.” Castiel said appearing.

 

“I’m sorry, we haven’t been purposefully ignoring you.” Dean started turning off the phone and stuffing it in his pocket.

 

“You are leading much busier lives now. I understand. You both look good, even with your bungled foot.” Castiel said quietly. Then he looked at them sadly. “I know what you’re wanting and I want to grant it, but I can’t. Sometimes God’s plan includes the lives of young children. It doesn’t mean I like it, it’s just the way the game is set.”

 

“Game! GAME!” Dean started.

 

“I’m sorry that was a bad comparison, but you get the general idea, the board is set with the players, some win, some lose but win. These children that you lose to death aren’t condemned, they are embraced into the heaven of their dreams. Kyle for instance has a heaven in which his father is always at home, his mother is happy instead of crying and they are living a peaceful existence in this heaven with the occasional adventure into other realms. But this was a winning situation for the boy. For this one in the ward, this Timmy, I cannot tell you when he is set to terminate because I truly do not know, however, he will know little pain and will go in comfort.” 

 

“It all seems like such a waste.” 

 

“Dean, Sam, there is no easy way through this life, you have to accept what you perceive as the bad with the good. Be thankful for the days you have to spend with them and him. I can tell you this, within a week he will be under hospice care. He will be moved to a private room and he will be surrounded by those who love him. He will not die alone.”

 

“I wish he didn’t have to die at all, not this young.” Sam groaned.

 

“Do not begrudge this child’s future. He has earned a peaceful end and that is what he will reap.” Castiel told Sam. “And what future is but one facet of what could happen. There are a myriad of possibilities for a person’s future. But all his facets lead to a peaceful end.”

 

Sam bowed his head wearily. “We just hate losing one.”

 

“It would be the same if you were dealing with AIDS patients. You would be dealing with those who will eventually die. However the one difference is that there is the chance that some of the cancer children could go into remission, just like that lot did that you prayed for. This much I can say with some assurance. With three days, Timmy will enter a semi-comatose state. He will be conscious but unable to respond. You will be needed to help allay his fear. This is God’s mission for you two.”

 

Then in a rare gesture he stepped forward and gave Dean then Sam a brief hug, as if wanting to emulate what he has seen humans to but at the same time reticent about showing too much emotion. “I will see what I can do, but one thing, I can make no promises. Be aware of that.” He told them and then in a flurry of wings he was gone. 

 

Sam and Dean shared a look, walked back up to the center and peeked in noting that all the children were sound asleep. They quietly withdrew and left the hospital. 

 

At home they went through their usual preparations for bed with Sam helping Dean undress then they crawled into the bed, face to face for a change. 

 

“I hope when it’s our time we go together.” Sam said quietly.

 

“Shh, relax, we’ve got time to work with, let’s make the best use of it, okay?” Dean replied. “I got this bum foot but the rest of me seems to be working all right. Sam smiled as they kissed, he rolled over and turned out the bedside lamp and looking at Dean in the filtered light from the street lamp, they kissed with more than a little intensity, and then made love as gracefully as they could manage with his messed up foot in the way.


	42. Chapter 42

The Sam and Dean waiting in the consulting room were decidedly less enthused with depression leeching off them in buckets.

 

Dr. Carriggan came in and noted the immediate change in their attitudes and looked curiously at them. “Well, something’s happened. You look like someone shot your puppy.

 

“Timmy, one of our cancer kids slipped into a semi-coma state about two days ago. He on some heavy duty painkillers and is not expected to last much longer.” Sam said morosely.

 

“Timmy, he was the one with the testicular cancer as well isn’t he?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, but his was more advanced than mine, his was already moving into his lymph nodes and he was going through chemo when he came on the ward.” Dean answered sadly.

 

“So what are your plans?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We’re on call with the parents and we’re keeping an eye between our kids in the center and Timmy.” Dean acknowledged.

 

“You say he’s semi-comatose?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah, he can hear us and follow us with his eyes but cannot respond beyond some facial gestures and squeezing our hands as answers to questions.” Dean told him.

 

Carriggan sat back in his easy chair. “A lot different from your last couple of death cases isn’t it?”

 

Sam shook his head sadly. “Yeah and it’s getting old. But we know there’s nothing we can do about it.” 

 

“You can stop going.” Carriggan said plainly.

 

“No, we can’t do that, we tried the week off and it nearly killed us. We worry about them.”

 

“Now you understand better what I go through with some of my patients.” Carriggan told them.

 

He got up and made an indication to wait and walked out of the room for a moment and then came back in with a magazine in his hand. He passed it to Sam who showed it to Dean. It was a copy of Psychology Today.

 

“There’s an article in there that is custom designed for you.” They looked at the cover again and in the sidebar in large type was, “Help today for dealing with childhood cancer.”

 

“Keep it. I usually just thumb through it and then put it out in the waiting room. I’ve got enough reading material as it is that comes down from the Psychological Board.”

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean nodded, “we got a birthday party to plan for one of them, Lisa, she’ll be seven and is a hardcore tomboy.”

 

“Plus we’re meeting with some parents and older teens who are survivors. We want to recruit them to help.” Sam noted.

 

“Do you have a protocol set up?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Such as what to do, how to do, that sort of stuff. Yeah, we told them the first thing they gotta do is not treat these kids like they’re sick. They want to be treated as normal kids. But at the same time if you’ve got a case like Timmy, or Kyle, one that is especially sensitive, try to identify and work with that child. Hugs are not out of place. Tactile contact with the children is the most effective means of winning them over. We’re also encouraging them to use gruesome stories. Some of the parents disapprove and we’ll just have to work at convincing them that the last thing they want to hear is a Disney story with happy birds, and deer that frolic and shit.” Sam said. 

 

“Sound like you’ve both been working on this for a while.”

 

“We know what we’re up against, and we’re going to need a constant stream of volunteers who are willing to chip in and work. “ Dean replied. “The hard part is going to be training them for the death watch.” 

 

Sam nodded, “There will some that will freak on that one.” 

 

“Oh, I have no doubt about that. How about yourselves? Are you going to be pulling back from active duty?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean and Sam shared a look and then looked at the doctor. “We’ve decided to pull out of it. Slowly but pulling to a back fence position. We’ve been doing this solid for nearly a year, that’s saturation point I think for us rookies. We get some family members in here helping us we’ll probably get two to four years out of them. Maybe more, who knows?” Dean commented.

 

Carriggan shared a look with them and sat back looking at them appraisingly. “What made you decide on this?”

 

Sam shifted uncomfortably for a moment, “We thought back over the months at the times we’ve come home from the hospital and cried in each other’s arms until we were asleep. We thought about the way we have been treating ourselves and we realize we can’t go on this way. We’re still young, in our thirties, but I personally don’t want to crash and burn before I’m at least 90.” Sam said.

 

“We’re comfortable now, we’re also in the mood to do a little hunting, maybe something close by we can tackle easily enough. We could conceivably go off the grid again and do coast to coast hunting. That’s not too farfetched. At the same time we know we cannot keep on going like we are going. We’re going to do more than burn out if we do.”

 

“Sounds like that selfish streak has finally kicked in, good for you.” Carriggan said. “It’s okay to donate some of your time, but you were letting this monopolize your lives. You need a rest before I have you back over in the hospital recuperating from exhaustion.”

 

Dean nodded at that. “Yeah this bullshit with the hexing, combined with all the ‘accidents’ have worn us out. We want some time off.” 

 

“But at the same time you’re obsessing over what’s going to happen to the kids if you do.” Carriggan interjected. 

 

“Yeah,” Sam admitted “We love these kids, and it’s hard you know.”

 

“Make me a deal, we’ve tried this before and you balked, but Timmy is going to pass, that’s obvious, take all but one day a week off for a month. Give the others a chance to fill in for you. You can train some volunteers in to do that in that amount of time.” Carriggan bartered.

 

Dean nodded wearily and sat back on the sofa leaning his head completely back. Sam couldn’t resist and bent over and kissed an especially sensitive area of Dean’s neck. He jumped visibly. 

 

“I’m so going to put the hurt on you when we get home.” Dean swore.

 

“Do let your mouth write checks your body can’t keep.” Sam chimed.

 

“It’s good to see there is still playfulness in your relationship.” Carriggan noted.

 

“It’s the one thing that has kept us going. It’s the constant push and striving to do more, so much more, but at the same time enjoying each other, not letting our lives go stale after everything that’s happened to us.” Dean said. 

 

Doc Carriggan laughed, “No, you boys have been through the grinder no doubt. Granted if I had not had the evidence presented before me like you did, but that was long ago in a galaxy far, far away.”

 

Just then Dean’s cell phone went off he stared at the number a moment and then held up a finger. “Martha? Oh Bill, scuse me. What’s up?”

 

“It’s Timmy Dean he’s slipping away from us. There’s a pulse but it’s real weak, can you come please?” The boy’s father said.

 

“We’ll be right there.” He hung up the call and looked at Carriggan, “Timmy’s pegging out on us, the family wants us there. Can we continue this later?”

 

“Sure, go on.” Carriggan said. “God go with you boys.” He said softly to their retreating backs. 

 

The drive from the clinic to the hospital would normally take 30 minutes in good traffic, in bad an hour, but for some reason they had all the lights and a good traffic flow. They were there in 20 minutes. They ran through the hospital coming to a stop just outside of the treatment room they’d moved Timmy into.

 

“This was a quick turn.” Dean mentioned to Bill the father.

 

“Yeah, surprised us too, he was sort here and there this afternoon, then suddenly it was like everything’s shutting down. Martha looked up with a tear streaked face her heart totally broken by the site of her baby boy with his life slipping through their fingers. 

 

“I just don’t want him to suffer.” She wailed.

 

There was that little hiccup in the pulse, Dean and Sam were given some room around the bed and Dean reached out straightening the Yankee’s skullcap on him. “There ya go kiddo, all ready to kick the heck out of some baseball.” Dean said conversationally. “But you’re being stubborn aren’t you? You won’t go without permission.” Dean said choking slightly on the words. He looked to Bill. 

 

“Timmy, you’ve had a good innings, you played one hell of a game, it’s time for you to go bat for the Angels now. Show em how it’s done.” Bill was a stoic man, but the words cost him as tears slid down his cheeks. Dean and Sam were not making any bones about it, tears were streaming down their cheeks. “Martha, you know he always minds you better than me.” Bill said with a wan smile through his tears. 

 

Martha managed to pull herself together enough to stand by the bed, she cupped his cheek fondly in her hand and kissed his forehead. “It’s time for you to say goodnight baby.” She said the tears flowing as well. 

 

The breathing eased visibly, his pulse came even further between and finally there was the atonal sound of a flat line. Timmy was gone. It was Dean and Sam who were privileged to see a reaper, a tall young man, pleasant faced take Timmy’s hand and then they saw Timmy standing by the reaper for a moment, grinning, then they disappeared from their sight. 

 

Bill looked at Dean and Sam after a minute, “How do you do it and go on?”

 

“This is our third, it hurts us too, we grieve but at least we got the advantage of being able to be here for you when you couldn’t be.”

 

“We can never thank you enough for sitting with him, holding him, letting him vent. I know he was frustrated, I was frustrated for him. This was something you hear men our age having, not kids.”

 

“Yeah, it’s really sucks when it hits them this young.” Sam agreed.

 

“We’ve got it arranged with the hospital to have him transferred immediately to the crematory, then we’ll bury his ashes over at St. Francis Episcopal Church. We’ll set up a time for a memorial service and would be pleased to have you as our guests.” Bill said then he looked sheepishly a moment. “The other kids, his buddies remember him how he was, I don’t want him on view to show them what this did to him.”

 

“We understand. It’s definitely your choice and no one should take that from you.” Dean said stoutly. The nurses came in and unhooked him from the various devices and gave him some dignity in his last repose. It was then that Dean and Sam were permitted a chance to step up to the head of the bed, their eyes filled and overflowing dripping onto the sheets. Dean unashamedly reached out and playfully punched at his jaw. The bent and kissed his forehead as did Sam. 

 

Dean looked at Bill and Martha, “Your little boy was a real trooper, he kept up a good face as any in the bad days, and let his hair down whenever it got too much for him. But he was always ready with a grin. That’s what I’ll miss. His ready grin.”

 

“He was Dean’s trooper all the way.” Sam acknowledged. “They both had the same kind of cancer, only they caught Dean’s at stage I and got the offending body out before it could spread. He’s only had a spot pop up on a kidney, but we got that took care of quick enough. I understand that Timmy started out in Stage II.”

 

“Yeah, little shit, wouldn’t tell me that his nut was hurting until one night he came to me and it was swollen.” Bill said. We got him an appointment the next day and he was diagnosed pretty quick after that. That took the nut, but it was too late the cells sprouted up in his lymph glands then, so we started the chemo. He hated that.”

 

“Look we’ve taken up enough of your time, you deserve some privacy with your son.” Dean said extending his and to Bill who shook his then Sam’s. They got a hug from Martha and then they were headed back to the cancer center, they approached the nurses first. 

 

“Timmy’s gone. Just passed.” Sam told the RN on duty. 

 

“Thanks for tell me, I’ll see to it that the others are told.” She said quietly.

 

“You want us to hang around?” Dean asked.

 

“Do you mind?” She asked. 

 

“Let’s do this thing.” Dean agreed abruptly. They walked out into the ward where a couple of the kids were busy colouring in books and another was playing with a hand held computer game. They looked up and saw the nurse along with Dean and Sam. They were all off IV’s now and could get out of bed, so they gathered around. 

 

“Timmy’s gone away.” Lisa asked her lip trembling. Knowing before it being said.

 

The nurse nodded sadly and Dean, Sam and the nurse were suddenly occupied with have six young patients clinging to them crying. It didn’t help Dean or Sam who was still tore up emotionally about this situation, and the RN shed a few tears herself as well. They stayed with the kids and then gradually got them calmed down to sniffled, hiccups and soft crying. They got them to bed and then as the little ones fell into a troubled slumber the nurse wiping at her eyes, nodded. “This is going to be a busy night. I’m going to have several cases of explaining that what happened to Timmy probably won’t happen to them. These kids are all excellent cases of Stage I; we actually have a chance of beating this bout.”

 

“We can stay the night if it’ll help.” Sam offered.

 

“No, no, you two go home, you’ve got your own grieving to do and well I’m trained at handling fragile children.” She said with a smile.

 

Dean nodded and they left the ward and soon the hospital. 

 

“We did some good didn’t we?” Sam asked in a small voice.

 

“We did good bro. Timmy was taken in peace, then kids are being taken care of, now it’s just us.” Dean told him.

Sam nodded and leaned back against the seat a little more, “I love those kids.”

 

Dean nodded back at him. “So do I.” He responded. “But we can only do so much. Carriggan’s right, we need to branch out and let others share some of the load. We’ve let ourselves get in way deeper than we’ve ever been on anything.”

 

“Yeah.” Sam replied, and then was silent the rest of the way home. Once they were inside he pulled Dean into a fierce hug and kiss. “There’s more of that coming.” Sam warned as he headed towards the bedroom. Dean smiled a sad smile, it was their own private way of dealing with grief and for them it worked.

 

A week later found them back in the consulting room acting a bit jittery. Doc Carriggan came in and noticed their nervousness and sat down calmly. 

 

“I would ask who’s first but you both look like you’re about to explode.” 

 

“We had a meeting last night at the hospital, we got a conference room booked in advance and put out the word that we were looking for some cancer care people. We were expecting maybe a dozen to show up out of the twenty or so we called.” Dean started then gulped.

 

“There were over 50 there, we had to open the partition to take up two conference rooms. We talked with them all, got names, phone numbers, email addresses and then sat back totally smacked. We weren’t expecting that kind of a turn out and said so.” Sam interjected. “Dean took the lead in the meeting and we’ve got over 25 teams of two to three people, we outlined what to do and how to go about doing it, we told them what to expect. They were all cancer survivors or cancer victim families. I asked if there was anyone there with scheduling experience. Wanda Granger spoke up and said she was a manager at Macy’s downtown, she had to make the schedule there she could surely take on making a schedule here.”

 

Dean started again, “Wanda got set up with pen and paper and quickly went through the crowd picking husband/wife teams, older teens, even a some same sex couples. We told them that we weren’t coming out to these kids, but rather bringing them comfort when their families couldn’t be with them. We’re having a planning session tomorrow night, and I have the first couple going out with me and Sam tonight.” Dean said in a rush.

 

“It does sound like you’ve been busy, you realize out of this great showing you’re soon going to whittle down groups to the faithful ones. They’ll be your core, you’ll probably also grow as well, you should consider putting together a governance team to keep things organized.” Carriggan said genuinely happy for them. “Have you considered informing the media of this group?” 

 

“That’s our next job, we’ve got to let the community know that we are doing this for hospital and hospice bound children. There are four hospitals in this town after we get folk trained we should be able to cover them all.” Sam said stunned.

 

“We’ve never been part of something like this before. We don’t know the first thing about what we’re doing.” Dean admitted.

 

“That’s good, you’re admitting your ignorance straight up.” Carriggan noted, “All right some advice thrown into your time with me. Get the governance set up, then go through and interview the teams privately, find out their strengths, some may already be able to go out and do what you’re doing. Guys, what I’m saying is that there is no need to reinvent the wheel.” 

 

“It’s really taken us by storm and yeah we more than a little nervous about this.” Sam admitted. “I’ve done my best to not let it show in my regular job performance, but some of the nerves creep through.”

 

“I’m just as bad, there are times when it hits me and I have to just stop for a second and let the feeling go.”

 

“You’ve got a tremendous task ahead of yourselves. But I think that you are more than competent to take on the case. The LAST thing you need is a counselor to come in and pollute the group. You have to remind the group that they are NOT counselors, but they can listen to the kids problems and sooth them like a parent. They can buddy with some of their patients, but keep them in mind that they are not professionals and not to act like it. They are visitors.” Carriggan expounded.

 

“A Bunch of Angels,” Sam said.

 

“Excuse me?” Carriggan asked stopped for a moment.

 

“The name of the group, “A Bunch of Angels,” after all, this started with us befriending Kyle Bunch.” Sam told him.

 

“I think the family would like to know that. That can be used as your inspirational stepping stone to get the group activated and in the media.”

 

“What have we done?” Dean said helplessly and for a moment hopelessly dumbfounded. 

 

“You’ve started a snowball rolling, you’re the founders, and yours will be the guidance that they look too. Also be prepared to catch some flak back from some nurses who might have a problem with the way a group conducts themselves. In that way you’ll need to be prepared to talk with that group and either get them reorganized or dismissed.” Carriggan said flatly.

 

“We’ve already considered that prospect; we’re meeting with the Presidents of the four regional hospitals this afternoon over drinks at Harry’s downtown. We’ve got a conference room set aside and all our thoughts lined up to accept or deflect. We know we’re not going to win them all over, but if we can get three out of four to agree to our plan that would be fantastic!” Sam said excitedly.

 

“This is a really good to see!” Carriggan said.

 

“What, us running around like Chihuahua’s on crack!?” Dean asked with a grin.

 

“It’s worth it to see you both in this good of a mood. Now comes the real time in the saddle in your sessions. You’re going to not only need counseling for your personal life but your professional one as well.” Carriggan returned the grin. 

 

“Oh my God, we entrepreneurs.” Dean said.

 

“No we’re not we’re entirely non-profit. That’s something we may need to see about in the future is a 501c3 status with the IRS.” Sam said sadly.

 

“Why?” Dean asked.

 

“We are going to have organizations that will want to make donations to assist us with things like reimbursing members for gas use, or when they buy party favours for the kids.” Sam said shaking his head. “Dean, you realize this is going to completely change our lives!” Sam said as he started breathing rapidly.

 

“Relax Sam, you’re hyperventilating, just relax.” Carriggan soothed. 

 

After several minutes they got Sam calmed down, Dean was a bit flushed himself but nowhere near as bad as his brother. They traded looks for a moment then fell into each other’s arms . 

 

“NOTHING will change us. If it gets to that point, we let whoever’s elected to office run the damn thing and we go back to visiting the kids once a week. But nothing’s going to change us.” Dean sealed that vow with a very emotional kiss. He pulled back finally when he realized that he did have an audience of one. Blushing furiously he sat back. Sam was breathing normally now and relaxing. 

 

Sam ignored the doctor’s presence for the moment and grabbed Dean by the wrists, “You promise me that? We’ll go through with this and stay in the background after it gets started?” Sam asked.

 

“If that’s what you want, sure. We can do that.” 

 

They both acknowledged Doc Carriggan’s presence again. “Sorry about that Doc. Sam said blushing.

 

“Well I feel like I need air myself after that kiss, quite profound. And yes, you’re thinking on good lines. Keep your line of thought in that direction. Just remember this is a volunteer group of friends, keep that in mind and you’ll not have any trouble handling the rest. As to 501c3 status, yes, I would advise that immediately. Because you’ll have benefactors who will step forward wanting to do something financially to help the group and if they get a tax break they’re liable to donate more to help you out with this. You see the good that you can do with this?”

 

“Yes Dean, Sam, you started a mighty ball in motion but calm yourselves this isn’t going to grow beyond your control.” Castiel said stepping into the conversational circle.

 

“Thank you Castiel.” Carriggan acknowledged. 

 

“Any time doctor.” Castiel agreed. “You two are getting yourselves so upset, I’m surprised that Joshua hasn’t heard of this. Well, he probably has he just wants me to do this.” He said laying a hand each on top of their heads. Instantly they both lolled against each other eyes closed. Carriggan looked at the angel sharply. “Calm yourself Doctor, they are but resting. They will wake in a moment at peace. You see this grace was the Peace of God, a little gift I can bestow.” Then he was gone. Five minutes passed and Carriggan was starting to get worried when Dean and Sam stirred at the same moment. They lifted their heads shaking them slightly. 

 

“Sneaky damn angel.” Dean said smirking.

 

“It worked though.” Sam said relaxed in truth now. 

 

“I want to see you both next week same time to get an update on this “Bunch of Angels.”” Carriggan noted.

 

They all stood then, Dean and Sam looked at Carriggan, “Thanks doc.” Dean said.

 

“Yeah, thanks for putting up with us and our weird friends.” Sam said with a smile.

 

“I wish more of my patients had friends like that, it would help so many.” Carriggan smiled sadly and led them to the hallway. “Take care boys and give me a call if I can help.”

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean called over his shoulder as they left.


	43. Chapter 43

Dean and Sam were sitting calmly for once in the waiting room. Their names were called and they quietly got up and went to the consulting room. Dr. Carriggan was waiting for them with a copy of the newspaper resting serenely on the table by his chair.

 

“Front page, above the fold, second story, very good lads.” Carriggan gave them polite applause. Sam and Dean looked calm and in control. “Tell me had Castiel been paying you regular visits?” He asked curiously.

 

“No doc this is the effect of alcohol. We each had a shot after breakfast.”

 

“A shot, as in injection through a syringe or a shot of alcohol?” Carriggan asked tensely.

 

“Wild Turkey.” Dean quipped.

 

“And why did you think that you needed to do that?” Carriggan asked, his anger controlled, barely.

 

“It helps calm us for the day.” Jared said with a grin.

 

“So you need chemical assistance to start your day, I assume you are taking these shots after you have taken your morning dose of medications?” 

 

Dean nodded, “Usually about an hour after we take our morning dose. We get up early.”

 

“You have this well and truly thought out there’s only one problem.” Carriggan reined in his anger which he knew would be counterproductive, before he spoke. “You are still mixing alcohol with your medications. You are creating a deadly combination in your blood stream and you are making yourselves open for serious accidents through this misuse.” 

 

“What are you really trying to say doc?” Dean asked. 

 

“That you are totally irresponsible and I know better. I read the fucking article. It praises the group in glowing terms and the words from the Bunch family that were included, a fantastic send up. You’ll be taken seriously in town now. So you gotta act serious. Which means no drinking in the early morning, especially before you’re going to work.” Carriggan took a breath and Dean looked like he was getting ready to cut in when Carriggan overrode him. “Dean, for the love of God man, do you realize what a danger you would be on the jobsite drunk or even slightly intoxicated! And Sam, I’m sure your market has rules in place governing the health and well-being of their employees.”

 

“We’re sorry.” Dean said downcast.

 

“And well you should be. You have managed to do what few in this carnival town could do, you’ve created an instant success, you’re in demand so I hear, accepted by all four hospitals and two hospices. Yes, I’ve been keeping track of you two this week. It’s been a helluva week, but nothing to justify your getting a snootful before you start your day.”

 

“Doc we’re careful.” Sam said. 

 

“You’re careful, careful enough I’m sure, not to get busted by the cops. Please boys, I’m only upset because I’m toxically worried about you two right now. This is not the way to handle things and I think you two are men enough to know that. So please no more alcohol that early in the day.”

 

“Okay Doc, we’re pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down. We fucked up. Can we please move on?” Dean pleaded.

 

“Yes I think we can, I’m sorry to go out on a tirade like that, but I know you two are smarter than that. What you’re doing is an act of desperation. So please if not for me do it especially for yourselves.”

 

“It’s okay Doc, really, we’ve been doing that now for about three days, and yeah we know it’s a stupid assed thing to do, but really some days it’s the only way to get through the day.” Sam said.

 

“No it’s not, you both have my cell number, call, if I don’t pickup, leave a voice mail, you know I’ll call back.”

 

“We didn’t want to bother you.” Dean said.

 

“Bother me please, that’s why I have the paper on the wall that says I’m are educated!” Carriggan said desperately. “Guys, I just don’t want to lose you two and I think you know what I mean.”

 

“Message received loud and clear doc. That was a dumbass stunt for us to have pulled. But we’ve been busting out ass during the day and meeting with volunteers at night. We’ve got the teams trained and they start going out solo this week. We’ve been out with them to introduce them to other cancer wards, they realize what they’re walking into and from what I can tell are prepared to deal with it.” Dean said.

 

“Can we get to why we’re here?” Sam pleaded.

 

Carriggan was immediately chagrinned and looked at Sam , all attention. “Talk to me Sam.”

 

“I had a seizure doc. Not as bad as last time, but bad enough.” Sam said shamed by the admission. 

 

“Sam, I am so sorry to hear that.” Carriggan sympathized.

 

“But you’re not surprised?” Dean asked curiously.

 

“Not really, not with the way you two have been going balls to the wall. I’m surprised you haven’t had another one.”

 

“I guess I’m a tougher nut to crack, especially since one of them is plastic.” He joked and grinned lopsidedly. Carriggan returned the grin gladly.

 

“Okay Sam, I don’t think that there is a physiological reason you’re having these, I think yours are more stress related, but the fact that you had another one concerns me. You’re on…” He turned and rattled his laptop a bit. “Abilify and Xanax now right?”

 

“Yeah.” Sam answered. 

 

“Okay, I’m going to cut the Abilify back some and add Gabapentin it will work hand in hand with the Xanax and will help control you mood shifts. The other thing,” Carrigan said turning around in his chair. “I want you to cut out liquor, none, no heavy stuff and just two beers a day for right now. Dean don’t go tempting him with a third beer, I mean that. This is serious and we need to get a handle on it before it grows into a problem.” Carriggan explained. 

 

“Okay we both go on O’Douls, that way we get the flavour without the alcohol.” Dean said decisively.

 

“Going cold turkey like that’s going to play hell with your systems.”Carriggan advised, “Just be ready for it.”

 

“Other recommendations?” Dean asked.

 

“Two beers a day, not more than four, I’ll go that far. You’ve both been on alcohol far too long that cutting it completely out like that…guys, you’ll end up in ER.”

 

“Understood.” Sam said. 

 

Dean nodded. “We can do this Sam.” 

 

“I know we can, it’s just you I’m worried about, you’ve always been more of a hardcore drinker than me. I’m scared for you.” Sam admitted.

 

“I’ve got you there, I’ll be fine…whoa the estrogens kicking in again.” Dean joked.

 

“Maybe it is, but you know I’ll be there.” Sam said.

 

“You win this round.” Dean admitted to Sam. 

 

“I never realized it was a competition.” 

 

“Doc, dad started me drinking when I was 15, beer mostly. Every now and then if he was in the hard stuff he’d give me a sip.”

 

“You know most states rule that child abuse and endangerment.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Dad always considered himself a step above the law. I guess I did as well for a while. But I know when to drink and when not to, so tooling back on the drinking shouldn’t be a problem.” 

 

“Let’s hope not for your sake and safety.” Carriggan said. “If you think you need help and guidance don’t be afraid to ask and I’m not talking about 12 step groups which you’d balk at anyway. But there is support out there.” Carriggan paused, “You’re group leadership now, you are who these people look to for guidance. You can train them, work with them, instruct them, but you’re still a god in their eyes because you took time out your day and did the impossible. You made life a little more livable and bearable for children who don’t fully comprehend what cancer is other than a bug that shouldn’t be there.”

 

“Doc please, enough with the praise, we just went out and did what other parents have been doing all along it’s just that they can’t be there 24/7.” Dean said. 

 

“But you were the ones who actually did it. You were the ones who gave these little ones something scarier than what their dealing with and you showed them how you beat it. These little guys and gals respect you for that and they’ll respect the others as they come along.” Then Carriggan shifted in his seat and stared at the two a moment, “Enough of that, how’s that blood pressure Sam?” 

 

“Better thanks, I saw a specialist about that and it comes down to diet, I’ve been snacking instead of eating. And I’ve been doing that on the fly. I’ve been ordered to slow down a bit and if I can’t get a proper lunch in me, then get the chef to blend me up a smoothie with extra protein powder mixed in. Dean’s had me worried though.”

 

Dean shot him a glare.

 

“We’ll discuss this later.” Dean said quietly. 

 

“I’m sure you will but Sam wouldn’t have mentioned it if he didn’t this warranted attention. What about your blood pressure Dean?” 

 

“Saw the same specialist, I’ve got high blood pressure, imagine that. And they’ve started me on some blood pressure medication to counteract it. I’ve been having splitting headaches the last few days since starting the meds, I was told that was a side effect and that it would go away in time. The doc was real particular with me and pounded into my head that I needed the medication and I had to take it every day regardless. No skipping.”

 

“Your doc is right Dean, skipping a dose, that’s like skipping a dose or two or six of your Xanax, it can lead to some very serious bodily changes. With the blood pressure meds it could lead to a stroke. And I think I can say for Sam that I much rather prefer you whole and bitchy then pinned down with a stroke.”

 

“Can’t be that bad.” Dean said off handedly.

 

Carriggan’s eyebrows shot upwards and climbed nearly into his hairline. “Uh Dean, light case scenario your have temporary paralysis in one side or the other. Worst case scenario, it could cause a brain aneurism which could kill you. All in between are areas where you could be living paralyzed on one side, unable to speak, or to speak coherently, you could be rendered blind.” Carriggan leaned forward in a rare gesture and concentrated his gaze solely on Dean which made the latter feel decidedly uncomfortable. “Dean, you could go from light spasm to death, or worse a living death where you can’t communicate. In view of that, I think you need to abandon alcohol completely. Leave it alone, if you’ve gotta have a beer to unwind, use near beer or alcohol free beer. But please work with us on this.” Carriggan said concern deeply etched into the lines in his face. 

 

Dean sat back slightly stunned and looked over to Sam, “You’re with me on this? I can’t do it alone.” Dean admitted shamed beyond comprehension. Sam reached out and grabbed his arm. That to Dean was sign enough.

 

“Ok what can you do to help me out here?” Dean asked.

 

“I’m going to help you both. We’re going to start with simple relaxation techniques. And we may as well start now, so get as comfortable on the couch as you possibly can without strain on any muscle or tendon. It took them a minute and soon they were stretched out together, on the sofa, Dean sitting up sprawled, Sam leaning down with his head in his lap.

 

“Close your eyes, and this is very important, you inhale through your nose, exhale from your mouth and you take full breaths we each movement.” Carriggan ordered as he went over and cut out the overhead light. “Now I want you tense you toes, if they cramp stretch them out to relieve them but tense your toes and your feet. Hold it for a moment and now release it, let all the tension flow from that part of your body. Now tense up your calves and your feet, flex the muscles and tense them, hold that a moment, a moment more, okay now release the tension, release it, let it go, feel the tension flowing from you.” He proceeded to take them through tensing every muscle and joint in their body and releasing it until at last he was at the jaw muscle as he told them to release that he ordered them to remain in that position a moment and then he started new instructions. “Imaging a warm glowing globule of liquid light above your head, inhale now and feel that light enter you, pulsing warm and friendly, feel it flow through you and fill you up like a glass bottle. Feel this light flooding you warm and soothing, relax and let it become one with you, now you are one with the light. Now rest for a few minutes and enjoy this new level of consciousness.” He quietened himself now and in moments was not surprised to hear them snoring softly. He smiled to himself. He turned to his laptop and silently keyed a note to his staff that they were not to be disturbed for any reason. He noted relaxation technique instruction. Then turned back facing them and watched them for several minutes as they slept. It was about a half hour later that Dean and Sam both woke with a minor start, then remembered where they were and relaxed. Sam looked up to Dean who was smiling softly. A gaze, something there he couldn’t recall seeing in Dean’s face and then it struck, Dean was well and truly relaxed.

 

“Who the hell needs drugs with a technique like that?” Dean said stretched. “Holy cripes I haven’t felt this loose in ages.” Then he looked at the doctor, “Do we need to come back for this or is this something we can learn to do at home?” Dean asked.

 

“You’re going to go through this a few more times guided, then I think you can do this on your own at home. Just remember to get in a position that’s comfortable and in a room that’s darkened, and where you won’t be disturbed for at least an hour.” Carriggan said with a smile.

 

Sam stretched now as well, and then reached a hand up to cup the back of Dean’s neck, he pulled him down as he sat up and they shared a kiss.

 

“You will find that if you do this together it will add a new level of intimacy in the bedroom.” Carriggan said smiling. Then he walked over and turned the overheads back on causing them all to wince for a moment.

 

“You’ll find that as you learn this technique more fully, and get it down pat, that you can teach it to the kids you work with when they are tense and upset.”

 

“We’ve already cautioned our partners that go out that the time with the kids is to get them relaxed and feeling good about themselves. It is also not a time to proselyte a religious dogma, we stress to them to leave that at the door. They are not there as religious witnesses but as buddies to these kids.” Sam said.

 

“Good, the first thing the kids need it to be put at ease and the last thing is a religious witnessing session. There’s a time and place for that. It’s a private moment and not to be made so that they are the lead role in a play with the other kids the audience.” Carriggan said.

 

“That’s about what we told them. You really think we can use this technique with the kids?” Sam asked.

 

“I’m certain of it and once you start you’ll find that they’ll be even more receptive to you and to your working partners” Carriggan said and then his usual way of twisting a subject complete athwart the path it was headed he looked at Dean. “So, How are you and smoking getting along?” 

 

“A…huh?!” He sputtered a moment and then cast a quick look at Sam who unfortunately happened to be looking right at him when he did look. “It’s not as bad as it sounds.” He explained.

 

“Just how bad is it?” Sam asked.

 

“Pack a day.” Dean said in a near mutter. 

 

“A PACK A DAY!” Sam shouted, “And you didn’t think to bring this to my attention where I could’ve helped you.”

 

“Sam, I love you man, but you can’t save the world. They give me a little chemically induced peace during the work day. I’m outdoors where the smoke doesn’t get in my clothes. Since I usually get home before you I got time to shower and brush my teeth.” Dean figured he may as well come completely clean with him.

 

“Dean…you’ve been zapped twice, I don’t want the third time to be the charm. Please taper off or quit. Please man, I’m begging you.” Sam said forcefully.

 

Dean was slightly shaken by this, “You’re really hopped up on this aren’t you?”

 

“We were teenagers, you smoked for a while, you did it cause you thought it made you look cool until Dad stomped on that habit, then you probably smoked on solo jobs…”

 

“I did…” He admitted shamed.

 

“While I was in Stanford, now you’re on them again. Dean…twice with the big “C” I’m scare for you man. I really am.” 

 

He could see that Sam was visibly shaken by this admission and the fact that there was not a sign of cancer on his last chest x-ray meant nothing.

 

“Sam I promise to try and quit, but you going to have to take me at my word that I’ll try.” Dean said sternly. “I’ll probably fall off the wagon a couple of times, but…” it was at that particular moment that Dean coughed hard. “Tickle in my throat.” He said explaining.

 

Sam wasn’t buying it. “We get with Samuelson asap, you come off cigarettes immediately, we get this cough diagnosed.” 

 

“Sam you’re stressing out too seriously.” 

 

Sam gave Dean an incredulously look then looked away.

 

“Oh don’t start pouting with me, princess.”

 

“I’m not pouting!” Sam stormed.

 

“Then what are you doing?” Dean asked.

 

Sam turned back around and faced Dean, and Dean could see something in Sam’s face that troubled him greatly. There were small vertical creases in the center of his forehead, his eyes were tired, and brimming Dean noted, his normally smiling mouth was suddenly turned down in a frown. Sam looked suddenly much older than his years. Carriggan watched as Dean slid over to Sam grabbing him in a hug. 

 

“It sounds corny as hell, major chick flick moment, but I’ll quit for you.” Dean said. Sam grabbed him and held on for a long moment. Dean became concerned as he felt his shoulder dampened then he heard a sniff from Sam. “Hey, Sammy, it’s okay, what’s going on with you?” Dean asked quietly hugging him tightly.

 

“Sam is this something you can talk about?” Carriggan asked. Sam stared, his face worn and tired. 

 

“Yeah, Dean I lost you once for 4 months, I disappeared and voluntarily, left you alone for a year. For me that was a year in hell. Then we have these two scares with cancer, granted both were easily taken care of. Okay so you’re a pack a day, I can’t lose you again.” Sam said his voice choked.

 

“You’re not going to. Look I said I’d quit and I will, I’ll be a bitch for a while, but what else is news.”

 

“Dean you want to try the patch? I can arrange that for you.” Carriggan asked. 

 

“No, the patch is a crutch; I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. That means laying em down.” He looked at Sam, “I’ll come in and stay in sweat and all until you get in from work, if you smell smoke on me, well we’ll work that out in the bedroom.” Dean said and Sam coloured slightly, “But it’s gonna be hell the first month or so, so I’m telling you up front, I’m sorry for anything I’ll say or do, but I need you to be there with me on this. I mean, maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this than what there is but I got a track record, you know that. I need you with me on this.”

 

“Nowhere else I’d go.” Sam said simply.

 

“You’re still going to ride this horse with me?” Dean asked.

 

“No, I’m gonna shoot that horse out from under you.” Sam was cleaned up now and his face looked more it’s youthful self. “Dean I’m afraid is all.”

 

“We took care of the jinx.” Dean pointed out.

 

“Since when did cancer pay attention to what we do or don’t do?” 

 

“Okay here’s your homework, no stinting on this either. Dean how do you buy your smokes?” Carriggan asked.

 

“A pack at a time.”

 

“You got them on you?” Carriggan asked. Dean, shamed reached into this shirt pocket and brought the soft pack of Marlboro’s. Carriggan held out a waste can. Dean wordlessly tossed them in but not before cause Sam a pang as Dean’s face was haunted for a moment.

 

“I know you’re going to slip up and smoke this week. It’s inevitable. Your homework is to bring in every butt. I’ll bring in a jar with a cap, your job is to cut your smoking so that the jar is never filled with butts. It will be an old time quart preserving jar and that’s all the space you’re going to be given. I’ve done this before and it works. 

 

“What happens if I fill the jar?” 

 

“First I put a black bow on the jar, along with a card with your name on it.” He rose and led them across the hall to another consulting room. There was a set of bookcases on one was with some jars with card attached the name of the offending party in bold print on the card. “Your jar goes into the wall of shame, and stays there. If however, you are successful which I fully expect, your jar goes in the trash.”

The doctor grimaced and looked at Dean, “By the way, in this office I usually meet a smoking cessation group in here, hence the size of this room and the chairs. Whoever is unfortunate enough to fill up a jar get their jar on display on the podium while the talk is going on. I thought I better warn you early.”

 

“Oh I’ll definitely not fill up a jar. Sam get ready for baby, Daddy’s about to become super-bitch.” Dean said with some rancor.

 

“One other thing, to insure that the partner doesn’t cheat there is a bounty placed on any butts you try to hide,” He held up another jar about half filled with $10 bills. It’s not much but it make a point.” 

 

“ God, you make almost a Gestapo thing to quit smoking.”

 

“No, just positive encouragement.” Carriggan told Dean. 

 

“I’m trying to see that and it’s buried under threats.” Dean told him.

 

Carriggan flushed and looked at the brother. “I’m sorry, but this is something for you not to fuck with. “

 

“I realize that, really I do, but you’re pushing this way harder than anyone who’s jumped my case over tobacco.”

 

“Well it’s happening now and will be part of what you have to deal with for the near future. Dean you just have a couple of people here who give a damn about you and don’t want to hear about any more negative surprises, okay?”

 

“Sure doc, whatever it takes.” Dean said looking at him apprehensively.

 

So this was one trip that did NOT end on a positive note for them.


	44. Chapter 44

It was three days later that Dean was in Samuelson’s office at Sam’s insistence and the luck of the draw for the appointment for Dean. The doctor did an x-ray of his lungs and looked it over carefully before looking at him.

 

“Well, you’re clear, there appear to be no abnormalities or spots there that I need to be concerned with at the moment. However, that doesn’t give you license to continue to smoke. You had two chances and come up good on both of them. Please don’t add to the problem.” The doctor told him.

 

Dean’s hand was trembling slightly with nerves. “Doc I’ve been cold turkey for 3 days now, cut me some fucking slack.”

 

“Dean…you been doing a pack a day for how long? A year, two, 10?”

 

“three years, this time.” Dean said nervously.

 

“Ok, so it proves you’re an on again off again smoker and that you can whip this if you try. The question is, do you want to try or are you just playing the game?” Samuelson asked. “Then this is what you’re GOING to do, first of all you’re in a job where your attention is demanded for the whole shift, so you’re going on the patch, don’t argue with me.” He walked over and opened a cabinet taking out a sample pack. He pulled out one patch and slapped it into Dean’s palm. “Put that on.”

 

“Doc, I don’t want to…”

 

“Dean you don’t have much of a choice, if you don’t you’ll be a danger to yourself and others on the job because you’ll be distracted. Use the patches for now. Give them about three weeks and you should see some dramatic improvement. Give that patch an hour and you’ll find the shakes will be gone.” Samuelson looked at him. “Dean the last thing I want to do is schedule you for radiation treatment or chemo for lung cancer and considering you’ve already had two cancers we took, you’re in the high risk zone.”

 

Dean took the patch and peeled off the backing slapping it on his left bicep. “Happy?” He asked Sam and Samuelson.

 

“Actually yeah.” Sam answered, “I love ya man, I love ya and I don’t want to lose you. Is doing this really that much to ask?”

 

“Dean, if you hadn’t had that spot on your kidney and then the testicle thing, I wouldn’t be bitching like this. But you have had, and you’re vulnerable. As it is since you’re here I want to go ahead and schedule you for another scan of your kidneys and I’ll get one of your lungs while I’m at it just to be sure.” Samuelson said. 

 

They set the dates and time and then left the doctor’s office heading across town to Dr. Carriggan’s offices. They got in to a full waiting room and settled to wait for a while. Amazingly they were called back ten minutes after their scheduled appointment time. The nurse went ahead and triaged both of them getting blood pressures and pulse. In no time they were in the consulting room with Dean pulling a baggie from his pants pocket. He tossed it as Sam as they waited for the doc to come in. He was still pissed off at the way they ganged up on him and more at the way they bullied him into this. 

 

“Go ahead and count em!” Dean said exasperatedly. 

 

Sam just took a look at the baggie and saw an even dozen butts in there. In three days that was four smokes a day, no wonder he’d been on edge.

 

“Dean, look man, I’m sorry about…”

 

“About bulldogging me? About fucking ganging on me and forcing the anti-smoking rhetoric down my throat, about Carriggan’s attitude and actions.” That was a pause in which they heard the door snick shut.

 

“Is this a private fight or can anyone join in?” Carriggan asked softly.

 

Dean reached over and grabbed the baggie from Sam and threw it at the advancing doctor. “There! That’s for your fucking butt count.” 

 

“Dean, we only did what was best…” Carriggan started.

 

“Yeah I know, you only did what was best for my health, yeah I know the run okay, I get it. I just don’t appreciate the way you two ganged up on me to get your fucking point across. Okay so I’m on the patch for now, I hope that just tickles the shit out of you doc. I’ll give this a month doc, just one month, I’ll play the game and follow the directions and use the patch, but if I don’t see any results that’s it!” Dean blasted.

 

Carriggan unfazed by the tantrum stooped and picked up the baggie of butts. “A dozen, not bad for your first week.”

 

“Fuck you.” Dean snarled.

 

“Dean.” Sam said plaintively.

 

“Dean, give the patch a chance to work, it’ll get the nicotine into your system and you can gradually wean yourself off cigarettes and the patch.” Carriggan assured him.

 

“Yeah, I hear the patter doc, I’m good with it, I’ve laid down my share of bullshit in my time as well. Well guess what, that’s all this is, is more bullshit. You two made it your mission to see that I stop smoking without even asking how I felt about the matter. You ham handed me, and brown-shirted me into this shit. Well…fine, you get one month to see if this works. Sam I’m sleeping in the guest room.” With that Dean got up and stormed out. Carriggan jumped to his feet but Sam had already beat him to the door, being physically larger than Dean it was no trouble catching him and bearing him into the exam room. 

 

“Let go of me or so help me, I’ll fucking deck you.” Dean growled.

 

“If it’ll make you feel better, go ahead, I deserve it.” Sam admitted sadly. “I did brow beat you into this, I narced you out to the doc. And well…go ahead.” Sam said dropping his hands from Dean’s arms. 

 

Dean gut punched him hard. Sam bowed over coughing and gasping from the unexpected punch. 

“That’s for everything that I said. I mean it Sam, until this month is over I’m in the guest room.”

 

Sam was slowly recovering but he soon was able to stand up straighter. “Dean please don’t throw what we have aside like that!” Sam pleaded. 

 

The doctor was then in the door, “would you two care to come back to the consulting room now?” He asked pleasantly enough. Dean strode out of the exam room and started at least towards the consulting room. Then Sam was with him.

 

“Dean if you want someone to blame for the brunt of this, fine, blame me. I can take it, I’ve handled a lot worse.” Carriggan offered.

 

“Oh don’t worry about that Doc, I blame you plenty.”

 

“But don’t take it out on your lover like this.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Why not he spoke up about it first.” Dean griped.

 

“Because I was concerned about your health.” Sam said quietly. “You’ve got a hell of a punch when I’m not expecting it.”

 

“Good, maybe it made an impression.” Dean said hotly.

 

“And I know you don’t appreciate my tactics and methods, but Dean I’m a lot gentler than other psychologists in the same boat. So please, take your ire out on me, but leave your brother, your lover out of the brunt of it.”

 

“I just don’t like having my life twisted like that. I’ve had some twisted shits do that to me in the past and it only pissed me off worse. Now you doc, the one rational person I come across other than Sam, you go and pull shit like this.” 

 

“Dean just do this for me. Forget about the butt count, just concentrate on the patch and tapering off. That’s all I’m asking.” Carriggan offered.

 

“Dean, I didn’t mean for this to happen.” Sam said still smarting from the attack and from the blowup in their relationship.

 

Dean whirled on the sofa at him and grabbed him by the arms. “Don’t you think for one minute I don’t know what I’m doing to my body, did you ever think that that was my way of dealing with stress. Did you happen to notice that I never smoked at home? Did any of that ever sink in?” Dean stormed.

 

“It probably did and I just overlooked it in my zealot attitude.” Sam said miserably. “Dean I am so sorry.”

 

“Not as sorry as your gonna be.” Dean threatened.

 

“What are you talking about?” Sam said cautiously.

 

“We’re still brothers nothing will change that, but you want me back in the bedroom, you’re going to have to work for that.” Dean said harshly.

 

Sam looked like he’d been slapped, “You’ve never used sex as a weapon before.” 

 

“You’ve never backed me into a corner like this before either. I know you were trying to help, but you didn’t even have the balls to come to me and talk about this before parading it out here.” Dean said harshly still gripping his arms. Sam was totally submissive now and Carriggan let them play out the scenario until it got to a point he was needed.

 

“Dean, I love you like life itself, but you scare me sometimes.” 

 

“How’s that? When I’m like this?” Dean said angry tears spilling over.

 

“That too, Dean I lived through the scares with you both of them, one major one minor, but I was there. Dean you depend on others to look out for you, you don’t take care of yourself enough.” 

 

“What do you mean I do look out for myself?!”

 

“When, when something major happens yeah, but this could’ve lead to something major. And I’m sorry, your right , I should’ve talked to you about this first, we should’ve dealt with this a home first, I’m sorry.” Sam said his own emotion choking him, as the one great fear ran through him that he’d lost Dean.

 

“God damn it Sammy, I love you, and I don’t want to lose that, but you gotta start respecting my personal space.” Dean ordered. Then grabbed his brother in a firm hug. Sam’s arms paused for a moment then hugged him back. 

 

Sam pulled back while tears of anger were on Dean’s cheeks, tears of anguish were on Sam’s. 

 

“I’m so sorry Dean.” Sam muttered.

 

“Not as sorry as you’re gonna be bitch.” Then he turned his attention to Carriggan. “So no butt count, I do the patch, I give it a month, and that’s all.”

 

“I think we can work with that. The thing is can you work through this with Sam?” 

 

“We can.” Sam said simply.

 

“Granted he’ll probably have to call in sick tomorrow, unless he wants to try to go in as sore as I’m gonna make him tonight.”

 

“Dean!” Carriggan started.

 

“Doc this is between a dom and his sub, you don’t get to interfere.” Dean said abruptly.

 

“I do for the welfare of the patient.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Fine, I can go easy on him with the paddle but with the lash that’s another matter.” 

 

“Dean!” Carriggan started again.

 

“You don’t think I know my limits, why do you think we use safe words?” Dean argued. “Are we through here for now.”

 

“I want to see you two tomorrow, I’ll make the arrangements and message you the time.” Carriggan said as he watched Dean and Sam get up to leave. Sam purposefully stepping forward to get the door for Dean and then following submissively. 

 

“Dean?” Carriggan called softly. Dean stopped and turned his attention to the doctor, “Remember who is at the core of your anger. It’s not Sam and it’s not me.”

 

“You’re suggesting me?” Dean asked incredulously.

 

“I’m just saying that you’re angry most with yourself for being caught in a perceived moment of weakness.” 

 

Carriggan returned to his office nervously and with some trepidation. He knew that Sam would be made to pay for his indiscretion however, they were consenting adults. There was nothing he could legally do.

 

Except wait.

 

The next morning came and Dean and Sam were the first ones in the office, Carriggan carefully rearranging his schedule to accommodate them.

 

They were sitting in the office, Sam sitting with his back not touching the chair. When it came their time Sam dutifully walked a pace behind Dean. Doctor Carriggan was waiting on them and winced as he saw the obvious pain that Sam was in as he sat. 

 

“What did you do to him?” Carriggan asked abruptly.

 

“I required discipline; it was Dean’s job to administer it.” Sam said quietly. Doc Carriggan gave Dean a searching look. “We got things settled last night.”

 

“Just how exactly or rather what exactly do you expect of Sam, Dean.” Carriggan asked. 

 

“He just told you, he was disciplined by me for his betrayal of trust. He is to serve for a week.”

 

“Serve? Your sub?” Carriggan said quickly. “Isn’t that a bit harsh, even for you?”

 

“What would you do were you in my position? Think carefully doc, the choices are limitless.” Dean asked.

 

“I wouldn’t beat him.”

 

“Relax Sam, it’s okay.” 

 

“Thank you sir.” Sam said. He visibly sagged slightly wincing as his back came into contact with sofa back even more. 

 

“Do you understand the principles of a dominate / sub relationship?” Dean asked.

 

“Actually, I do, but it doesn’t mean I approve of the technique as it is applied.” Carriggan told him angrily.

 

“In this Sam has the power, you should know that doctor, if you know anything about the relationship. He can say the safe word at any moment and all this would cease, as if it never happened.” Dean explained.

 

“Sam, how do you feel about all this? Truthfully.” Carriggan said. 

 

Dean gave him a nod which mean he could speak freely. “I’m reticent about it, I’m going in to close, this evening at the store, but I understand why he punished me. So it’s cool.”

 

“You can’t be serious.” Carriggan said shocked.

 

“I was concerned about his health, instead of talking it over with him, I ratted him out. It was a mistake on my part that I’m paying for.”

 

“So what happens at the end of this week?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We decide if we can continue to be lovers or not.” Sam said simply.

 

“You decide, as in both of you?” Carriggan submitted.

 

“What did you think, that Dean was going to arbitrarily decide for the both of us what is good. Doc, please get real, this is penance for my failure I fucked up.”

 

Dean shook his head sadly, “No Sammy, we both fucked up, you were acting alone in this. I should have been up front with you about my increased cigarette smoking but I wasn’t. I acted irresponsibly as well.”

 

Carriggan looked aghast for a moment. “Then why is Sam subbing to you?” 

 

Dean looked at the doctor carefully a moment. “Sam chose to expose my weakness before you instead of discussing it as equals.”

 

“Then if anyone is to be punished it’s me.” Carriggan said harshly.

 

“You are.” Dean admitted. “You are witnessing Sam’s submission.”

 

“Damn you!” Carriggan nearly shouted.

 

“No Carriggan, damn you, you were the one who took it on as a crusade to convert me to a non-smoker. Ok, I can cut back and probably quit. That’s not the issue. The issue is trust. Mine was betrayed and I was forced into an untenable position.” Dean explained.

 

“There was nothing untenable about what I ordered up for you”

 

“You’re wrong, you treated me as a child yesterday, a willful child who should be spanked for their acting out. You did that instead of treating me as an adult. That…is what I object to.”

 

“But we’d discussed and renegotiated the settlement. Release Sam.” Carriggan pleaded.

 

“Sam can be released at any time of his choosing, and if it makes you feel better doctor, I do not require his subservience in some public places. I WILL NOT HUMILIATE HIM!” Dean said the last forcefully.

 

“Dean, please.” Sam pleaded.

 

“No Sammy, he is not one of us he doesn’t understand.” Dean said his voice cold steel.

 

“You cannot force him to understand. You can suggest.” Sam reasoned. 

 

“Very good, very good, thank you for that.” Then Dean did something that totally surprised the doctor in that he turned and Dean and Sam shared a fond kiss.

 

“I don’t understand, yesterday you were talking as if your partnership as lovers was going to come to a screeching halt.” Carriggan said.

 

“Doctor our relationship has not changed a new dynamic has been instituted for a given amount of time, at the end of that time or if he says the safe word, he is mine.”

 

“I can’t say that I approve.” Carriggan said.

 

“Your disapproval is noted, for the record.” Dean said.

 

“Torchwood.” Sam said quietly.

 

“Pardon?” Dean asked. 

 

“Torchwood.” Sam said again.

 

“You’re sure?” Dean asked him.

 

“Yeah, this is making him damn uncomfortable, we can continue this at home for now can we just be a couple again, please?” Sam begged.

 

Dean gave Sam a searching looked then embraced him. “I would love nothing better.”

 

Sam saw Carriggan’s puzzled expression. “My safe word is Torchwood. It our favourite show. Barrowman is seriously hot.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“And just like that it’s over?” Carriggan noted.

 

“Until he requests that we return to dom / sub then yeah, just like that it’s over.” Dean said.

 

“But your back, the pain…” Carriggan said still puzzled.

 

“I’m into pain. It makes me especially horny.” Sam admitted blushing a little.

 

“I’ll never understand everything there is about you two.” Carriggan admitted.

 

“That’s just as well. We like being complicated.” Dean started then turned serious, “I wasn’t playing though when I said I’ll give this a month.”

 

“Whatever it takes to get my old Dean back, I’m not too keen about the cold turkey Dean.” Sam said.

 

“Well let’s talk about that a minute, we have a fifteen left in this session. You went cold turkey, brought in a dozen butts, that’s roughly 4 smokes a day. How were you reacting to this?”

 

“By the end of the day I was trying to get around second hand smoke to get a fix. I was hyper, nervous; I was having headaches and nausea.” Dean said.

 

“That’s your body starting to purge out the nicotine. You’re going to feel that throughout this process, but you’ll like the end results. You’re just a year into a pack a day. Dean I’ve got patients in my class that are 3 pack a day smokers. They can’t quit but they come to the meetings for inspiration and mental support.” Carriggan admitted. “Did you welt him?” Carriggan asked Dean.

 

“Some, we did a rub down afterwards with some antibiotic ointment and he slept on his stomach last night. I’m not totally heartless Doc.” Dean said. “Go ahead Sam; show off your red badge of courage.” Dean quipped. 

 

Sam stood slowly and undid his belt then pants letting them drop, and then started to pull up his shirt when a gasp came from him. Dean got up and showed off the criss-crossing red marks on is back and thighs.

 

“You are aware of just what kind of damage you can do to the body with that?” Carriggan said as Dean helped Sam dress. 

 

“We’re aware and we skate close to the mark but not over it.” Sam said with a grin. 

 

“Come on bitch.” Dean said heading to the door.

 

“Yeah and a damn sight better than you deserve.” Sam said jokingly.

 

Dean stopped in the door and turned, he grabbed Sam up in a careful hug and kiss. “I know.” He said as they left the office.


	45. Chapter 45

  
Author's notes: Sorry folks having to break this chapter into 2 parts because of space limitations here. Here's Part 1.  


* * *

It’d been two week since the disasterous meeting in Dr. Carriggan’s offices and as Dean and Sam sat in the waiting room they really hoped to have tackled the issue of the dominance theme. As it was when they were called back they went back hand in each from the waiting room, drawing a number of looks. Some approving, some disbelieving and some disapproving. They got past the point of giving a damn what people thought about them in public. Dean was finally moving into a state of mind where it was good to shock the public now and then.

 

In the doctor’s office they didn’t have to wait long but when Doc Carriggan came in Dean looked at him proudly. “I’m down to four a day.” The patches seem to be working, and I do feel better. I’m having to go on evening runs though.”

 

“Why’s that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“To burn off the nervous energy.” Dean answered.

 

“Is it getting bad?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Some days are worse than others, I really work hard to restrict myself to 4 a day but some days it’s difficult, the cravings are like drug withdrawal. It’s not pretty.” Dean said.

 

“How is affecting you on the job?”

 

“I stay focused, sometimes my mind will wander but I’ll immediately yank it back and go with the flow. But it’s hard man, I’m down to the 7mg patches and they just don’t have the kick to get me moving in the right direction.” Dean said grimly.

 

“You’re already on Welbutrin aren’t you?” The doc posed.

 

“Sure, 1 tablet in the morning. Why?” Dean asked.

 

“Up it to two. It’ll help with the nicotine cravings. And Dean if you slip up and have an extra smoke during the day, it’s not the end of the world.” Carriggan reminded him. “I want you completely smoke free, but I know in the environment you’re in that a practical impossibility. So we opt for the best we can.”

 

“I still don’t smoke at home, well most of the time I don’t.” He admitted shamed.

 

“Sometimes doc he gets so wound up that a run doesn’t help, nothing helps, so we go out on the back porch and he smokes one and calms down. Doc as much as I love him I can begrudge that.” Sam said.

 

Carriggan shifted in his chair “You were on a different tack a couple of weeks ago.” 

 

“That was my mistake.” Sam said pointedly terminating that topic. 

 

“Dean you’ve been to imaging since then, how did that turn out?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean sat up proudly now. “Nothing out of the ordinary, everything is right where it should be and how it should be. I’m in full remission.”

 

Carriggan clapped his hands and smiled. “That IS good news to hear. How are you doing with the cancer kids?” 

 

“Our program has really caught on and the teams are having success stories piling in. We get regular coverage by the newspaper and once on the local news channel. We are so proud of this program and the way it’s grown that we can’t begin to express what we feel.” Dean said proudly.

 

“We still go out to St. Joes, and do the center there with our kids. But we’re at the center a lot too on some nights. We’ve a President, Veep, Treasurer and Secretary. So far in unsolicited donations we are up $40,000 and get more checks daily from people, our Treasurer is a former accountant and knows the ropes around the tax forms and such.” Sam noted.

 

“And how are you doing Sam?” Carriggan asked again jumping topics. 

 

“I feel good, real good for a change. We talk with Bobby a lot and I work the computers getting data together and sending him on certain hunts he gets pegged on for more information. That plus all the work with the center, and then we make sure that we keep even hours open for just us time.” Sam said looking at Dean.

 

“Stop it your making me blush.” Dean said not blushing but pleased nonetheless. “Yeah we’re taking more us time and things are working good.”

 

“The one thing we have to do occasionally is work with teams who lose a kid. The grieving process is as real for them as it is the parents. So we’re a close knit group. We have a crisis team on hand to handle late night calls so we don’t get called at home so much. Christian is doing a bang up job heading up that team.” Sam noted. 

 

“Sounds like you got the organization down to a T.” Carriggan said. “Are there any snags?” 

 

“A few, mostly administrative stuff that thankfully we have competent people in the group to deal with. And we have some field work that requires our intervention. Especially if it’s with a group of hostile patients or with hostile patients. We go in and show the teams, one on one how to deal with these little assholes.” Dean said.

 

“Yeah now that things are running smooth with that we actually have nights to ourselves, and jobs during the day.” Sam admitted. Sam looked guilty for a long moment and then looked at Dean. “With some of the stress I have on the job, I can understand why you started smoking.”

 

“Don’t you start!” Dean yelped.

 

“No, but it’s terribly tempting. Just something to relax with.” I usually end up with a glass of tea or something nearby. So me and the bathroom are good friends.” He joked. “But sometimes, lighting up looks awfully good.”

 

Dean pulled a soft pack out of his shirt pocket and looked at the doctor. “Demonstration?”

 

“By all means.” He said rising up and bringing the ashtray around. Dean lit up and took a small drag off it, and exhaled. Then he passed it to Sam who took what should have been a short drag but ended up being slightly longer. He nearly dropped the cigarette in his coughing fit as the some echoed around him. 

 

“Not what you expected?” Dean asked.

 

Sam gave him a disgusted look. “You make it look so easy.” He said gasping.

 

“I started young and got through all the gagging and everything early on.” 

 

“Think I’ll stick with tea.” Sam said.

 

“Smart move.” Dean agreed happily.

 

“They’re not what they seem are they?” Carriggan asked. Then he looked at Dean, “How your blood pressure doing these days?”

 

“Good, hardly any spikes. The doc examined us together and we both got off with a warning about alcohol intake and diet.” Dean said.

 

“And stress.” Sam added.

 

“Yeah, and stress.” Dean agreed. “So we’re doing good all things considered.”

 

“Yes actually you are.” Carriggan then turn the attention in yet another direction. “Are you practicing the relaxation techniques?” 

 

“Between those every night and sex, I can’t remember when I’ve been more relaxed.” Dean said with a grin.

 

Sam nodded, “They have been great tools and work great to get rid of the grind.”

 

“I didn’t realize sex was a tool.” Dean said defensively.

 

“You’re the tool. Sex is just the benefits.” Sam said with a grin.

 

The rest of the visit was further advise on giving up the smoking and increasing their relaxation techniques. After leaving Dean looked at Sam, “I want to stop by the hospital.”

 

“Why, what’s up?” Sam asked concerned.

 

“Dunno, got a feeling one of our kids are down.”

 

“Dean, they got cancer, they’re going to be down sometimes.

 

Robert was a new child on the ward, he’d been with them four days with stage II kidney cancer. He was on the chart to have surgery if chemo failed which seemed to be the case and Robert was only seven, a very scared seven. 

 

Dean and Sam arrived to see all the kids sitting up on their beds looking back at Roberts where his family were gathered around in support. Sam tapped the brother on the shoulder he was 16 but now seemed to be much older. 

 

“How is it?” Sam asked him quietly and away from the group. 

 

“He’s going in for surgery to have the kidney removed today. They’re going to come around in a few minutes and give him some medication to prep him for the knock out doc.”

 

“Gotcha.” Sam noted. 

 

Dean was at the head of the bed with the parents, the parents and two other siblings recognized Dean and Sam as the main drivers of the people who visited the ward after families had gone for the day or while they were there. Dean looked up and saw the other kids looking back anxiously. Dean waved them back and the parents made room for his friends to come up close.

 

“What do we do when someone gets bad news?” Dean asked. The little ones and not so little put out their right hands stacking them three musketeer style and all counted.

 

“One…two…three…GO!” They shouted. That at least got a smile out of Robert. The kids were given places around the bed with the parents and sibs. Then all too soon the anesthesiologist came in and Dean got the kids back to their beds as the doctor explained what would happen and that there was nothing for him to be afraid of. The doctor went ahead and started an IV praising Robert for being so brave and not crying when the needle stuck him. Then the doctor gave a shot into the IV line and Robert’s eyes started to drift shut.

 

“They’re going to put him in a private room when he comes back from surgery, so we won’t be on the ward.” Dora Ketchum, the mother, was saying. 

 

“Would you object to the kids coming in and visiting with him from time to time while he’s here?” Dean asked.

 

“Oh absolutely we want them to visit.” She said emphatically. “They‘re what’s kept his spirits so high. We can’t thank you and your team enough for what you do.”

 

“Well, we do what we can and hope that’s enough.” Sam said modestly. The orderlies came shortly raising his bed and taking him out of the ward. Sam and Dean got the kids in sort of a huddle in the play area.

 

“He’ll be in surgery most of the afternoon, then when he’s recovered they’re going to put him in a room where he can nap in quiet. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t go in and see him sometimes. Okay?” Sam explained. There was a chorus of okays coming back at him.

 

Five year old Marcy looked up at them pensively. “Is he gonna die?” She asked.

 

Dean looked up and around a minute spying Castiel who was standing in the corner of the room hidden from the children’s view. He shook his head. 

 

“No, he’s going to come through this just fine.” Dean said assuredly.

 

“How do you know?” Marcy asked.

 

“An angel told me.” He said secretively. Her little eyes went wide as did some others and they nodded assured now. “Now you all rest up if you need to or play if the nurse says it’s okay, we’re going to go around to be with Robert’s mama and daddy and brothers, okay?” There were little nods of agreement as Sam and Dean withdrew, in the hall in a quiet corner Castiel reappeared. 

 

“Thanks Cas.” Dean said relieved.

 

“I wish I could say the same for you.” He said quietly.

 

“What are you talking about?” Dean said suddenly backing against the wall, afraid.

 

“That spot on you kidney is back. Joshua is doing what he can to help slow the growth, but it’s there.” Castiel said. 

 

Dean was pale as milk when he spoke. “Chemo?” 

 

“Possibly.” Castiel nodded.

 

“Intervention?” Dean asked hopefully.

 

“I can act but the results will be a little different from what you’ve experienced before.” 

 

“Then for God’s sake act!” Dean begged.

 

“That’s just it I have to get permission to act. I’m still under restrictions.” Castiel explained. 

 

“There’s always a catch.” Dean griped, then he looked at Castiel and laid a hand on the angels shoulder companionably. “I’m not mad at you. Just these restrictions, rules, and order.”

 

“You’ve always been one to fight order haven’t you?” Castiel said with a bit of a smile.

 

They walked along the corridor until they came to surgical waiting, just up the hall from that was a small chapel. They went in and found it unoccupied. 

 

“Okay, get working on the permission.” Dean begged.

 

“I’m afraid it’s not that easy for him.” Joshua’s mellifluous voice sounded in the chapel now as he strode forward smelling of fresh earth and herbs, a comforting presence. “This isn’t a test for you and it is going to be aggressive.” 

 

“Why a test for me, haven’t I bled enough?” Dean said angrily.

 

“You still need a lesson in humility the father thinks.” Joshua said.

 

The string of expletives that Dean uttered would have turned the walls blue if possible. 

 

“That’s not helping matters.” Joshua said reprovingly.

 

Finally in frustration and sheer exhaustion Dean flung himself onto one of the chairs. “WHY, WHY ME? I’ve had a ball cut out, I had my kidney probed, now you say that there is going to be another situation in my kidney that’s going to be more aggressive. I’ve never been anything but grateful for my health. WHY?”

 

“You are still willful, you failed the test for Michael’s vessel, you’ve abused several principles, the only positive notes is the center you and Sam have created for visitors, and your undying love for one another, even with all the tests there.”

 

“is the time I spent in hell even accounted into the equation that God is working from.” Dean’s eyes took on a fevered look. “Does the time we got t-bone and I was in a near death experience, what about the time when I got blasted with the shotgun, and oh let’s not forget releasing Lucifer then busting ass to cap his ugly, sorry Sam, ass back into Hell. HAVEN’T WE GIVEN FUCKING ENOUGH.” Dean was unaware of the hysterical tears that were flooding his cheeks. “Maybe this will help.” Dean said whipping out a belt knife and slicing open a wrist.

 

“DEAN!” Sam shouted. Joshua started to pounce when the door to the chapel opened and a nurse looked in and saw Dean.

 

“Please sir, please give me the knife.” She asked as another nurse came in behind her. Both were sturdy matronly ladies with a motherly commanding presence.

 

“Sure hold on a sec.” He said and sliced open his other wrist. He threw the knife to the side as Sam and Castiel tackled him, Joshua vanishing for the moment. The nurse that came in behind the first ran out into the hall and grabbed a crash cart. Immediately she got gauze pads on the wounds while they tourniquetted both arms to stop his bleeding out. Applying direct pressure the one utility nurse ran out and called for help. In moments a doctor was in with a syringe and a bottle of Ativan. He drew more than a requisite dose and injected Dean. In moments Dean’s head lolled and he was numb. There was a stretcher brought and he was bundled quickly on and hauled down to an examination room. 

 

Sam speed dialed Carriggan’s private number, it rang twice.

 

“Sam?”

 

“Doc! It’s Dean, he’s slit his wrists, we’re in hospital, 5th floor east, they got him in a crash room and are working on him.”

 

“I’m on my way.” Carriggan said hanging up.

 

Then he speed dialed Samuelson’s office number and got his answering service. “Tell Dr. Sam that one of his patients, Dean Winchester may be suffering a relapse, he’s undergoing emergency treatment right now at St. Joe’s. He’s got my number.”

 

“Yes sir.”

 

Sam pocketed the phone and looked at Castiel. “Isn’t there something you can do even under restrictions?” 

 

“Not with this many people around, it would be remembered and I don’t know if I’d have the strength to modify this many minds.” Castiel said glumly as they watched through the door as the doctor worked effectively at stitching the arteries. 

 

“Ease up on the tourniquets.” He ordered and was pleased to note there was no seepage. His stitching work was more than a bit sound. He finished closing him up and looked at Sam, his scrubs covered in blood.

 

“Sorry about the mess, but does he have a regular doctor?”

 

“Julian Carriggan and he’s on his way in.”

 

“Was he coherent when he did this?” 

 

“Oh yeah.” 

 

He turned to the nurses, 4th West, no restraints.” Then to Sam, “There’ll be time enough later to get admittal paperwork done for now we’re going to get him into the system and into a room. Follow the orderlies.” One orderly had an iPad out and was punching in data. He looked at Sam. 

 

“Patient’s name?”

 

“Dean Winchester.”

 

“Date of birth?” 

 

“May 10, 1989.”

 

“Any allergies?”

 

“No none.” Sam answered. The orderly nodded filled in the few other areas that were staff only work and put the pad aside as they walked. 

 

“You say that Dr. Carriggan is his doc?” The pushing orderly asked.

 

“Yeah.” Sam answered his eyes on Dean’s pale form. 

 

“Good man. He’ll know what to do.” The orderly said complimentary, after an elevator ride and another push they ended up at 4th floor, west wing. The lead nurse on the station looked up in surprise.

 

“Just can in, Dean Winchester, I just got him in the system, bare bones.” The recording orderly spoke. They got Dean a room situated and in moments he was stripped and gowned then placed clean into the bed. He slept peacefully through the whole thing. 

 

Joshua reappeared in the room moments later with a small potted plant. He sat it on the bedside table. “When he wakes if he’s still in a delirium make him chew one of the leaves.”

 

“What is it?” Sam said.

 

“A heavenly herb. You wouldn’t know it if I could name it. It’s not rare but it is precious. Treat it with care.” Joshua said disappearing again.

 

“He is seeking the Father’s help.” Castiel explained.

 

Dean woke slowly from the drug induced sleep, it was about an hour and the first faces he saw was Sam and Dr. Carriggan. Castiel took a corner of the room and remained silent. 

 

“Dean, son, can you hear me now?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean slowly came around and came aware then the tears of frustration came. Sam bent down and hugged him to him.

 

“I’ve ordered an IV for you to replace some of the fluids you lost and to help boost your blood recovery. Care to explain what set you off?”

 

Dean was still pretty much buried in his own sorrow when Castiel cleared his throat. “Perhaps I can be of assistance.”

 

Carriggan walked over and Castiel relayed the same news that he got and was told to pass on. Carriggan looked from Castiel to Dean and back. 

 

“Does anyone in your realm understand how precarious his balance mentally is right now?” 

 

“They know he has a very strong character and will.”

 

“And you have thoroughly trashed months of work.” Carriggan said caustically. 

 

“Dean needs to be prepared as does Sam. This test is for both of them.” Castiel said cautiously.

 

“For what?” Carriggan asked hotly.

 

“I’m sorry but that is information that I have not been given, only that he must endure this test for what is to come.”

 

“Will he be required to hunt again?”

 

“He will be required, but instead of going on the hunt the hunt will be brought to him.”

 

“What are you talking about?” Carriggan asked.

 

“You are a good man, doctor, you’re strong and have great courage, but even you have not faced what they have. I’m sorry but I cannot say more.” Castiel said turning his attention back to the bed. In a moment two nurses and the attending physician entered. Dr. Carriggan and that doc had a protracted private conversation, then the two nurses spoke up both their uniforms still bloody from where they attempted to restrain Dean. 

 

Dean groaned from the bed. “I’ve already been to hell, why not let me just go back?” Dean coughed through the tears he fought to control. 

 

“Get me 10cc of Haldol suspension.” Carriggan ordered.

 

“The attending physician looked at Carriggan, I’ll send my bill.” He said with a grimace and left. The two nurses took their cue from Carriggan who smiled at them. 

 

“Thank you for what you did, I wish I had better ways than words. But thank you both.”

 

“Will he be all right?” The matronly nurse asked.

 

“I really don’t know right now.” Carriggan answered as he turned back to the bed and to Dean. Dean was pulling at the light restraints they’d placed him in. “Dean don’t you’ll just hurt yourself. We’re trying to help you.”

 

“There’s only one way you can help me and that’s let me finish what I started.”

 

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Another voice said from the doorway. They looked up and saw Chuck Shurley in the flesh. He walked over to the bed. 

 

“I’m sorry, but I only saw this an hour ago or I would’ve come sooner.” He said weakly.

 

“Doctor could you give us a minute please?” Sam asked Carriggan. 

 

When it was just Sam, Dean, and Castiel in the room, Chuck looked at him sorrowfully. “I’m real sorry about this, you see part of this is my fault.” Chuck was actually wringing his hands slightly. “I knew something was …”

 

“Can the humble routine and speak to me as you would God.” Dean said stoutly.

 

Suddenly Shurley did two things, he cringed a bit then stood straighter that he’d ever stood, a soft nimbus surrounded him. Castiel knelt, Sam bowed.

 

“Please rise Castiel, Sam, you are making me feel horribly self-important and pride is one of the great sins.”

 

“Can you even sin?” Dean asked.

 

Chuck smiled, the nimbus around him glowing golden white. “This is part of your time. There is coming a calamity and your strength is required, but to survive the battle, you must be humble as well. And you are a very willful creature.” 

 

“God you’ve taken every ounce there is to give what’s left?” Dean asked.

 

“You’ve got to know what it is to not only love your fellow man, but to decide the fate of one you love. No Sam it’s not you.” There came a tap at the door and the nimbus vanished and Chuck resumed his posture. “Remember what I told you.” 

 

“May I see my patient now?” Carriggan asked caustically. 

 

“Certainly.” Chuck said quickly shambling out of the room. 

 

“Now that that is over, Dean, I understand the new, I understand the import of the news. We’ve got some work to do son. We’ve got some hard work to do.”

 

“A friend brought us this plant, he said it was an herb and to give Dean a leaf to chew if he became distraught.’

 

“That’s all well and good, I’m ordering up something…”

 

“Please doc, let us try.” Sam asked as Dean looked from one to the other in fear. 

 

“I don’t want to be here!” Dean insisted.

 

Grabbing a leaf off the plant he shoved it in Dean’s mouth and instantly he became calmed.

 

Carriggan nodded and stepped back loaded needle in hand. Dean continued to rest peacefully. 

 

“That is true Balm of Gilead.” Castiel offered. “And Dean is wrong in his assumption.”

 

“How is he wrong?” Carriggan asked before Sam.

 

“His soul is not bound to hell any longer.” 

 

“Meaning he could well be heaven bound.” Sam intervened. Castiel nodded quietly.

 

“I need to make a call.” Sam said stepping away from the bed a moment he dialed Bob’s number and reported that Dean would not be into work for probably the rest of the week.

 

“What’s going on?” He asked.

 

“Bob this is between us, but he’s in 4th West at St. Joe’s, he slashed his wrists.”

 

“HE DID WHAT!?” Bob roared. 

 

“Thanks but I can hear quite well.” Sam said succinctly

 

“Sorry,” Bob muttered, “But what brought this on?” 

 

“We gotta get with his doc tomorrow, but it looks like the cancer is back, with a vengeance.” Sam said sadly.

 

“Okay, I can work around this, it’ll be tight, I’ll bring my brother in law in on the crew for the week.”

 

“Sorry about this.”

 

“Hey you can’t be prepared for when the big C will hit. Is he gonna be all right?” Bob asked concerned.

 

“He’s in good hands so we hope and pray for the best.”

 

“Ok, I’ll be by tomorrow to see him, will he be able to come back to the crew, you think?” Bob asked.

 

“My bets high on it. He is if nothing else prideful and stubborn, as long as he can lift a 2x4 he’ll be there.” 

 

“Talk to you tomorrow then.” And they hung up. 

 

Then Sam looked over at Castiel now for the call I dread, he punched a speed dial.

 

“Sam?” 

 

“Bobby, I won’t give you some fancy build up, we’re back in the hospital.” Sam said tiredly.

 

“What now?” Bobby asked curiously.

 

“Dean slit his wrists.”

 

The stream of invectives that followed were long, deluxe, and livid, when Bobby finally calmed down enough to talk in a stream of common sense he asked. “Ok, okay, now that that’s out of the way, what can I do?”

 

“Bobby, he’s being evaluated tomorrow, we were told by Castiel that his kidney cancer is coming back.”

 

“Well get the angel onto healing him.” Bobby said.

 

“It’s not that easy, with the fuckup that got pulled Cas is on temporary suspension with some of his power.”

 

“What about Michael?” Bobby asked.

 

Sam looked up a moment and directed his attention to Castiel. “What about Michael?” 

 

“He’s still in the cage with Lucifer, he has had ample opportunity to come out but he is determined to have this fight with him.” Castiel said.

 

“Get that Bobby?” 

 

“Yeah,” The grizzled hunter said, “So we’re left to our own devices, okay how about this then, Dean’s gonna be weak as a kitten coming out of surgery like that can Cas do anything about that?”

 

“Tell him yes, and that I’ve already got something planned.” Castiel said abruptly.

 

“Cas said yes, he’s got something planned.” Sam replied.

 

“Good, for now you need to spend less time yakking with me and more time with Dean. He’s gonna need you most.” 

 

“He’s gonna need all of us.” Sam said morosely.

 

“Yeah son, I know that, I’m on my way.”

 

“Thanks Bobby.” Sam said realizing for a change how much he depended on his friends.

 

Sam pocketed his cell phone and slid a chair as close to the bed as he could arrange it. Then untying the restraint on that side of the bed he lowered the rail and laid over the edge of the bed resting Dean’s arm and hand on his side. Castiel faded out determined to find some way other than providing after surgery strength.

 

Sam woke some hours later to the feeling his hair being stroked. He looked up and saw that while the early gray of dawn was filtering into the room. Dean was awake and actually looking at least slightly alert. 

 

Sam stirred a little and moved up to kiss then sat up on the edge of the bed with Dean’s hand and arm in his lap. Then he gave Dean a pop on the jaw with his open hand.

 

“You just bitchslap me?” Dean asked slurring slightly.

 

“Yes I did. That was for scaring the hell out of me the way you did. Don’t you ever do that again.” Sam said feeling his sleepy eyes tearing up, but blinked them furiously away.

 

“You shoulda let it happen, I don’t wanna go through this shit.” Dean cried.

 

“But you want me to spend the rest of my days without you.” Sam said equally tore up. 

 

“You’da found somebody else.” Dean groused.

 

“Says you. Who said I’d be looking.” Sam growled back. He leaned down and fiercely kissed Dean. “I LOVE YOU and ONLY you! Get that through that thick skull of yours right now.”

 

“Am I interrupting one of those luridly potent romantic moments?” Dr. Carriggan said from the door. Sam sat up scrubbing at his cheeks a moment then turned to look at the doctor. “I am under the distinct impression that you might want to live a little while longer.” Carriggan told Dean. 

 

“How do you figure that?” Dean said hostile.

 

“Because of the way you slit your wrists. You only knicked the artery in each arm. You didn’t press hard enough on the knife. Good attempt though, I’ve gotta give you two thumbs up for that.” Carriggan said with a faux grin.

 

“Aren’t you Mr. Smartass this morning?” Dean responded.

 

“Come on Dean, calm down.”

 

“No Sam, I want him revved up, cause we got some work to do. What you did yesterday Dean, seriously injured the progress we’ve made to this point. I gotta know now. Do you still want me to continue as your psychologist?”

 

Dean looked at Carriggan like he’d just sprouted horns. “Of course I do.” He said firmly. 

 

“Then you will listen to me and follow my instructions?” Carriggan further asked.

 

“Doc, yesterday was fucked, today ain’t much better.” Dean started.

 

“That wasn’t the answer I was searching for.” Carriggan nattered.

 

“Yeah, I’ll listen and follow.” Dean responded. 

 

“Good, then when I leave here, I want you to apologize to Sam, and it better be heartfelt. So you may have a recurrent kidney cancer, we’ll deal with that as the days roll on, but you’re too fucking tough to let something this pissy get you this far down.”

 

“Don’t bet the house payment on that doc.” Dean said grumpily.

 

“You ain’t a dick, well most of the time you’re not a dick. You just want the world to think you are.” Carriggan looked at him abruptly. “Did it even occur to you how this would affect your organization you barely got going here? Word of this won’t get out. This is a private ward and I’ve already talked to the two nurses and the orderlies that worked on you. But damage control better be prepared for, you better be ready to address your members and soon just in case. Better if you’re up front with them quickly than if you let this fester.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Oh good a party!” Dr. Samuelson said coming in. “Julian.” He said walking over shaking the docs hand, 

 

“Al. I was just giving laughing boy here some last minute instructions. We got a date this afternoon at 4 p.m. Al knock some sense into his head.” Carriggan said leaving the room.

 

“Okay word has you got word through extreme agency that your cancer is back. I’m a bit of a pragmatist. I want to see the pictures before I call foul. So you’re going to imaging this morning to have a kidney MRI done. The technicians will be expecting you at 10:00.” He reached in his pocket and came out with a Swiss Army knife and cut the other gauze binding. “I think you’re safe enough without these. Just don’t give us any trouble. Let me be the judge of what’s in your body and we’ll treat it from there. Gentlemen.” He nodded and was gone.

 

“I think I’ve just successfully been bitchslapped verbally by two doctors.” Dean said stunned. The door opened again and the nurse came in with a pill cup. 

 

“Something for the pain of your mistakes.” She said smiling warmly at him as he took the pills and swallowed them down with a cup of water. “Breakfast will be around in an hour so you may as well get comfy.” She said with a smile then left.

 

Sam looked down at Dean. “Slide over.” Dean comprehended and did so immediately. Then he curled comfortably into the embrace and Sam had slid down in the bed and administered. 

 

“I’m sorry Sammy. I really am, that was a asshole thing for me to do. But I honestly thought…not can that I am going to die, I was just trying to hurry the process along.” He said huge tears forming and not quite falling. He looked at Sam for a moment and then buried his face into his shoulder unable to meet his gaze. Sam absently reached over and pulled a leaf off the plant Joshua left them and looked at Dean.

 

“Babe, hey, Dean.”

 

“Did you just honestly call me babe?” Dean said suddenly. 

 

“Here chew on this. Joshua said it would help.” 

 

Dean looked at it dubiously a moment and then put it in his mouth. He bit down on it and was soon chewing on it and swallowing. The tension was draining from his features and he was starting to look less strained and more his old self. 

 

Sam lay there stroking his hair now and soothing him and in moments Dean had drifted back off to sleep. He did sleep through breakfast and was drowsing when the orderly came with a wheelchair to fetch him down to imaging. 

 

Two hours later he was back in the room looking very pensive. He chewed another leaf and relaxed immediately. Sam sat close by when suddenly Castiel appeared in the room with a confused and pissed off Bobby in hand. Who had his suitcase in hand as well.

 

“Damn you, next time warn a body.” Bobby griped. “Dean, Sam.” He said by way of greeting. “Good thing I left those three changes of clothes at the house last time, I barely had time to get my skivvies packed when here comes prissy britches and snatches me out.”

 

“Bobby you can content yourself to berating me later, right now though I think Dean and Sam could use your attentions.” Castiel said firmly and disappeared again.

 

Bobby shook his head and stomped towards the bed and looked down at Dean with the bandaged wrists. “Coward.” Was all he said.

 

“What?!” Dean said with a gulp. He been prepared for anything from Bobby, he was prepared for a through the roof hell raising berating. But all it resolved down to was a simple ‘coward.’

 

“Trying to take the easy way out. I thought better of you boy, thought you were a helluva lot stronger.”

 

“Seems to be a lot of people with that mistaken notion.” Dean replied. Bobby pulled up a chair and sat. “Well fill me in I know there’s more to this.”

 

So Sam and Dean proceeded to fill him in with what Castiel had told them along with Joshua and then the visit from God.”

 

“The big guy himself showed up huh?” Bobby stammered. Then started as the door came open and a stern faced doctor Samuelson entered the room. He took in Bobby as the new addition and then stopped.

 

“I can come back…” He started.

 

“No, wait, this is our foster-father, he can hear whatever you got.” Dean pitched. Samuelson walked over and extended his hand.

 

“Al Samuelson,” He offered.

 

“Bobby Singer.” Bobby said shaking the doctor’s hand firmly.

 

“We got a land mine in there.” The doctor said quickly. “It’s the size of a golf ball for now. It looks worse than it is. In someone your age I would recommend surgical removal of that kidney. You’re young enough and strong enough to tackle this.” 

 

“When can you do it?” Dean interrupted. 

 

“Considering the nature of this tumour, I can go in tomorrow morning and take it. It’ll mean serious juggling my surgical and office schedule, but this is a hot one and I don’t want to pussyfoot with it.”

 

“I like you doc.” Bobby said in a rare gesture. “Sorry to interrupt but you the first doc I’ve seen who’s got the balls to step up to the plate and bat.”

 

“Thank you Mr. Singer. “ Then he turned his attention back to Dean. “You’re going back on an IV today to build up your fluid and sugar levels in your blood, after midnight nothing, until 6:00 tomorrow morning. I’m not going to lie to you either, this surgical procedure carries its own risk, like all of them do, but I think you’re strong enough to fight through any roadblocks. You still good to go with this?”

 

“Yeah.” Dean said firmly and looked at Sam who nodded as well.

 

“Good, I’ll have a nurse around in a bit with some paperwork for you to sign, it’s your right kidney, just like the testicle. But just like the testicle we got this isolated and can get it in one go. We got your name and blood type on a transplant list just in case we get lucky. We might be able to go in with a straight up transplant. But given the time, I’m not hopeful.” Then the doctor walked around the bed and took the other chair as Sam was still in bed with Dean. “Let’s talk some lifestyle issues here as well and what you can expect after the surgery.” Samuelson said and settled in for a long talk. They served lunch to Dean in the middle of the conversation and the doctor encouraged him to go ahead and eat. They were going to give him a protein shake later that afternoon and with supper. The doctor explained this was a highly unusual procedure to go in this quick; however he explained that microscopy of the tumour through the MRI showed that it was growing at the rate of 1 micron per hour. This then was severely aggressive and something that they wanted out quickly. When he was done an hour later with answering questions and posing the situation, he left giving them about two hours before Carriggan’s visit at 4:00. Dean looked at Sam.

 

“Get me some paper and a pen.”

 

“Dean?” Sam asked.

 

“Do it.” Dean said firmly. It took a minute but they rounded up the requisite sheet of copy paper and a pen. Dean took it and penned. “Everything I have goes to Sam.” And then signed his name. “Bobby sign this as a witness.”

 

“Dean! Don’t…son.” Bobby said suddenly stricken with the enormity of the thoughts that Dean was processing.

 

“I could die in there. I don’t want the state to get shit. Please Bobby sign it.”

 

“Goddamnit.” Bobby said and angrily signed the paper.

 

A nurse came in shortly afterward with a sheaf of papers for Dean to sign along with some admittal paperwork. He showed her the will and asked that a copy be placed in his medical records.

 

“Mr. Winchester, you’re thinking too far ahead and too negative.”

 

“I’m being pragmatic, copy it please.” He said firmly. She did and was gone, then in 15 minutes the door opened again for Doc Carriggan. Bobby stood up and shook his head.

 

“I’m tuckered out. I’ll catch a cab to the house and come back later.” He said. Then he took his bags and left. The boys calling out their farewells to him for now. 

 

“Did I break up something?” Carriggan asked stepping over.

 

“No, there’s been a lot of traffic in here today and well, I guess he was just tired. I know I am.” Dean admitted.

 

“Well relax, this is talking time, nothing strenuous for you. I want you relaxed going into tonight. You’ve got a helluva day tomorrow.” Carriggan said sitting back in the chair. Sam still unmoved from his spot although they both had used the bathroom at several points during the day, they always came back to Sam cuddling Dean. “This is good to see.”

 

“Didn’t know you were a peeper doc.” Dean joked.

 

Carriggan laughed, “Not normally, however, when two of my patients come through what you two have and so successfully, I’m not one to quibble. Have you had time to think about yesterday?” Carriggan asked.

 

“That’s one of the few things I’ve not had much of a chance to really ponder. I realize now, looking back on it, I was incredibly selfish in what I did. I also scared too many people including myself with my actions.”

 

“Remorse isn’t an unusual feeling to have with something like this.” Carriggan started. “What happened to you happens has happened to about 180,000 men per year. It’s not uncommon, you had a lot of stress placed on you and then the news of the aggressive cancer, that didn’t help matters.”

 

“No but I acted like an idiot.” 

 

“What would you have done, wait until you got home and get a lead injection through the roof of your mouth?” Carriggan said bluntly.

 

“Now doc, now that I’ve had some time to stop and think about it, I just don’t know.” Dean said confused. “I mean part of me is screaming to rip these bandages off and the stitches out at the same time there’s another part of me screaming at me to hold on a minute.”

 

“Do you feel like you need something to temper the feelings?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“No, not that please. I’m going to be out of it all day tomorrow probably. Please let me spend one night with Sam awake and aware.” 

 

Carriggan rose to his feet. “I’m going to give you two some private time, we’ve talked enough for today, I’ll check on you tomorrow and we can pick up the day after.”

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean said 

 

“Yeah doc thanks much.” Sam replied.

 

Carriggan smiled and shook his head, “Just remember that you can only get away with just so much in a hospital room.” 

 

They all laughed as he left the room. Dean snuggled down into Sam’s embrace and just held on.

 

“Can we please have five minutes of quiet.” He asked tiredly.

 

“We can have all the time you want.” Sam said embracing him as Dean dropped off to sleep. He napped peacefully for a short while with Castiel reappearing looking somewhat hopeful then noticing the two and noticing that Dean was drowsing he smiled slightly and left them. Supper came around and Sam gently woke Dean who did eat and who sent Sam off to eat as well as he knew he’d gone without practically all day. Sam did excuse himself but was back shortly with a box from the cafeteria. He ate as Dean was finishing up. They were soon done within the hour and Bobby came back to the hospital bringing a kit bag along for Sam. 

 

“Didn’t figure I’d get you to leave here to do anything, so I brought your bath stuff and shaving gear along with a few changes of shorts.” 

 

“Thanks Bobby.” Sam said sitting by the bed now. 

 

“So they’re really going in tomorrow?” Bobby said still trying to take it all in.

 

“Got to.” Dean explained. “It’s a hot tumour according to the doc and he wants it outta there. I can fault him for that, I want it outta there as well.”

 

“So what are your plans for the kids?” Bobby asked. Dean and Sam traded a look and Sam sat in stunned silence.

 

“They’ll be expecting us tonight.” Sam said and reached over picking up the bedside phone he called the cancer center. Luckily their favourite head nurse was on duty. 

 

Sara answered and hearing the situation she nodded. “Don’t worry, we got you covered. We’ll talk to them.”

 

“Tell them that Uncle Dean is bad sick, and that he’s scared, so he needs them to be brave for him.” Sam said to Dean’s embarrassment.

 

“Good idea. They like the idea that they can do anything to help.” Sara responded. “Keep us posted okay?” She asked.

 

“You got it.” He said hanging up.

 

“I’m scared!?” Dean blurted.

 

“You’re gonna lay there and tell me you’re not nervous about tomorrow?” Sam responded.

 

“Well Dean, you’ve been cornered, what’s it gonna be balls or brains?” Bobby snorted.

 

“Actually I am more than a little bit scared. I’m a lot scared.” Dean actually shivered a bit. “Actually, I’m down right terrified.” He said looking at them both shamed. Bobby snorted again. “Goddamn it Bobby, look at me, I was in Hell! I tortured souls for 10 years, I had my own guts ripped out on a daily basis for 30, now I’m voluntarily going in with anesthesia, to have my gut cut open and a major part of me ripped out. How the fuck would you feel.” Bobby at least cringed a little. 

 

“Son, I’m sorry as I can be about the number Hell did on you, that’s something you gotta work through. But this is totally different. This is being yanked out of your body to save your life.” Bobby tried 

 

Dean fought it, fought it harder than anything in his life, but a tear slipped down his cheek shaming him in front of Bobby, his mentor his foster-father who was closer to them than John ever was. Dean looked away for a moment fighting to get some control back. When he thought he had everything back where it was supposed to be he turned and saw it was Bobby who was turned away. 

 

“Probably in disgust.” Dean thought. 

 

Then the older man turned slow, his own emotions back under control, his eyes reddened a bit and bloodshot. 

 

“We are so fucked.” Dean said quietly.

 

“Boy, give this a chance.” Bobby begged stepping forward gripping Dean muscled forearm with a much older hand.

 

He looked at Bobby now with much more tired eyes. “I tired of being God’s lab rat.” Dean said defeated.

 

There was a tentative knock at the door and Chuck Shurley stepped into the room. “Sorry guys, I was up here visiting someone and I…well I felt like I needed to get by here.”

 

“What good news do you have for us now?” Dean asked sarcastically.

 

“Just a message, “You’re not God’s lab rat, he loves you,” He paused a moment unsure before continuing. “He wants you to know that you’re also not a toy on His board to play with. He, uh, He’s getting you ready.”

 

“For what Shurley, another damn Armageddon?”

 

“No, nothing that major, but something major enough.” Chuck said then he worried his hands a moment and scurried out of the room.

 

“Annoying little mouse.” Bobby said.

 

“Annoying mouse with powerful friends.” Sam pointed out then he turned to Dean who seemed to be settling back now, his face not quite as flushed and red as it had been. “How are your wrists?” 

 

“They hurt.” Dean said pissed. 

 

“Well it’s your own fault for not requesting something before now.”Sam said pushing the call button. In a few minutes a nurse was in the room with two syringes, one she injected into the line the other she just grinned.

 

“Oh man.” Dean whined as he rolled on one hip. She was fast and efficient and pretty much painless, something for which Dean was grateful. He rolled back after a moment and that was when she told him.

 

“Any getting up or down you need to do you need to do now. That hip shot was meant to do you the night, so you may drop off to sleep.”

 

Sam helped Dean up to use the bathroom once more, however it was a bit of work getting him back into bed this time. He cringed and yelped as he tried to pull himself into the bed. 

 

“Don’t pull!” Bobby yelped.

 

“No shit! Oh fuck, how stupid was I to do that!?” He griped.

 

“Pretty much.” Bobby replied.

 

“Oh shut up.” Dean bitched.

 

“Nope, you’ve got a light grade griping coming to you for that damn fool stunt to start with, I’ll let you off easy as you’ll be needing your beauty sleep for the operating room.” Bobby teased.

 

“Somebody just shoot me now.” Dean said.

 

“Missed your chance on that.” Sam said smiling. “Look lay back let the meds do their thing and go to sleep.”

 

Dean allowed himself to be laid down, Bobby even looked amused when Sam got into the bed with him.

 

“I’m going to the house.” Bobby said getting up. 

 

“Wait a minute Bobby, here.” Sam said passing him his keyring. “Take the Impala. No use in spending good money on the cabs around here.” 

 

Bobby took the keys and grinned wickedly. “I’ll treat her like a pet.” 

 

“Oh shit, my ride is doomed.” Dean said dramatically.

 

“Night you two.” He called heading out the door. Dean did snuggle down a bit in the covers and accepted Sam’s cuddling. It wasn’t long until the medications had Dean snoring softly. Sam lay there for another hour just watching and feeling Dean sleep peacefully, and then he dropped off as well. They slept through the night and in the morning at 4:00 both were awake. Dean was permitted a shower which he and Sam took together then he was dressed out in a surgical gown and he got back on his bed. At 5:00 two orderlies came in and got the bed taking Dean away. Sam walked with him as far as was permitted, then gave him an affectionate kiss as he went through the surgical suites doors. The nurse on duty gave him a beeper and told him that he would be notified when he was out of surgery. That way Sam wouldn’t be tied to the Surgery Waiting Room. He walked down to the cancer center where he saw his kids just waking up and getting ready for breakfast when Peter, one of the youngest at five looked up and saw Sam. 

 

“Unca Sam!” He called running over to grab his legs in a good morning hug. Sam knelt down and was soon bowled over on his butt by all the attention. He laughed and got back to a squatting position so he could see and talk to everybody.

 

“Were you all good for Nurse Sara last night?” 

 

“Uh huh, she told us a story out of a book, and then coloured and played games with us until lights out.” Tabitha, the older at seven said. 

 

“That’s good, I’m so proud of you and so is Uncle Dean.” 

 

Peter’s lip trembled when Dean’s name was mentioned. “I’m scared for him.”

 

Sam fought his own emotional battle at that and nodded. “I’m scared too.” Sam admitted. A single tear escaped his struggle to keep his emotions under control. Kelly, a girl, six years old reached out and touched it. Then grabbed Sam around the neck in a hug. 

 

“It’s okay Uncle Sam. We say we’re brave, but I’m scared too.” 

 

Sam got a hug from them all then shooed them back to bed as the breakfast wagon came in. 

 

“Who wants Fruit Loops!?” The nurse asked. There was a shower of hands going up and soon all had healthy breakfasts in front of them 

 

“You kids be good and eat it all.” Sam said with a grin.

 

“But what about Uncle Dean, don’t he get anything to eat.” Tommy asked.

 

“Fraid not, he’ll tell you all about it as soon as he can I promise. I’m going to go get my breakfast then go up to be in the waiting room so that when Uncle Dean comes out of surgery I can get in and give him your hugs.” Sam said again pushing down his emotions. 

 

Sam went around and got hugs and kisses from everyone then left them with a wave and a promise to come tell them the minute some good news came out about Uncle Dean. Sam was on his way to the cafeteria when his phone went off.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sam, I’m on my way in, can I stop and grab you something for breakfast?” 

 

“Where you stopping at?” Dean asked.

 

“Mickey Dee’s, where else?” Bobby said quickly.

 

“Grab me a Sausage McGriddle combo please with Sprite to drink.”

 

“Ok, I’ll be there in ten.” 

 

“I’ll be in surgery waiting room on the 3rd floor.” 

 

Sam walked up then and noticed there were a few others who were waiting as well on news. It was more like twenty when Bobby managed to get there and another ten for him to get to Sam. They went in the extra room and sat down as a table and had breakfast.

 

“So how was he this morning?” Bobby asked.

 

“Nervous as a cat. We got a shower in and that helped him relax then they came around with the shots to prepare him for the anesthesiologist and then he was taken away. By the time we got to the cut off point he was grinning kinda goofily.”

 

“He’ll be fine.” Bobby said reassuringly.

“I hope so man, I really do hope so.” Sam replied.

 

They finished breakfast then sat around reading practically every magazine in the waiting room, making polite conversation with other families. And finally taking in the urge to stretch their legs they left for a walk around the floor. They were four hours into waiting when the beeper sounded, they rushed back to the waiting room where a doctor who looked a little tired came out and asked for them. They were ushered into an anteroom where they all took seats. 

 

“I’m Dr. Petersen. I did the removal of the kidney on your brother today. He’s gonna be fine. I’d much rather work on them young like him than some of the older patients I’ve had to deal with in the past. We were going to try to just remove the area of the kidney where the tumour was but the mass was such a size that I felt taking the whole kidney posed a lesser threat to him. He’s on the transplant list if you decide to go that route. And for the record the success rate with kidney transplants is way up from what it used to be so don’t be afraid, consider that an option for the future if you get a call. He’s in recovery now and will be released from his room when he’s conscious. But I suppose you’d like to see him now?” 

 

“You go back Sam, you and him need the time together even if he’s out of it.” Sam nodded and followed the doctor who led him back to a room tiled in a comforting shade of blue. He was led over to a curtained area where he saw Dean laying there snoring like he would if he were just asleep. He was on his back and covered with a sheet and thermal blanket as it was cold back there. 

 

“I’ll leave you two alone for a few minutes.” Petersen said as he left. The attending nurse looked around and smiled at Sam who walked to the head of the bed. 

 

“I know you probably can’t hear me, I’m hoping you can.” He said as he started carding his fingers through Dean’s clean hair, clean without the gel to hold everything in place. “You came through fine, you’re gonna be alright. I’m waiting for you to wake up and hope that will be soon. Yeah you big lug, you had me worried, but the doctor said it all went better than they could have expected. So hurry and wake up so we can get you to a room.” He bent down then and kissed Dean’s parted lips. The nurse gave him a few more minutes and then came over and gently ushered him out.

 

Bobby was waiting for him, “Well?”

 

“Still out of it. I guess we can go on back to his room, they said they’d bring him out as soon as he was conscious.”

 

They walked in relative silence back to the room and started the hardest chore which was the waiting. And wait they did, it was right at an hour when Dean was conscious enough to be brought back to his room. Once in there he looked around spacily for a minute before fixing on Sam and Bobby.

 

“You’re gonna be fine.” Sam told him slowly. “The doc said it went great and that they got the kidney out without a problem. You’re on the transplant list and if they get a donor in the future that matches we can get you back on two kidneys again.”

 

“K” Dean said weakly. “Don’ plan nothin’ major for’while.” He said brokenly.

 

“I don’t give a rats ass about major, I just want you out of here.” Sam said


	46. Chapter 46

  
Author's notes: This is the conclusion of the previous chapter. Had to break it into two parts due to space limitations. Sorry!  


* * *

“That makes two of us.” Bobby said coming into view. “You worry on getting better we’ll take care of the rest.”

 

Sam bent down and gave and got a kiss for his trouble. He heard a snort. “Get over it.” Sam said over his shoulder.

 

“I didn’t say nothin’.” Bobby said defensively.

 

“Just because you’re not playing the field right now don’t mean some of the rest of us can have a chance at the ball.” Sam said bending back to kiss a grinning Dean again. Remembering his promise Sam picked up the phone and called the cancer center.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sam Winchester here. Tell the little ones that Dean’s ok. He came through the surgery fine and he’s sort of awake.”

 

Tim, the day nurse laughed, “I’ll do that, they’ll be glad to hear it, they been kind of glum all morning.”

 

“This oughta make there day a bit better.” Sam notioned. He looked down and noticed that Dean was back asleep again. As soon as he can stay awake more than a few minutes why not we try to arrange it where he can have some visitors?” 

 

“I’ll check with their doctors, but I don’t see no reason why not.” 

 

He hung up with that then took out his cell phone, looking at Bobby, “Gotta call our bosses.” 

 

“Rachel” Sam said after the third ring.

 

“Yeah Sam here, Dean’s out of surgery and doing great. I’ll be in, in the morning to open for you.” 

 

“You don’t have to do that!” Rachel said. “Take another day or two off, it’s kind of sleepy time around here right now, the weathers keeping folk in for smoothies and such.” 

 

“No, it’s not right to make you work four straights, I’ll open in the morning for ya, give you a chance to sleep in.” 

 

“If you’re sure.” She said.

 

“I’m sure, now go back to pestering Mike, he needs the abuse.” Sam said laughing. Rachel laughed as well as they hung up the line. Then Sam called Bob’s cell.

 

“Yeah!” Came his response.

 

“Sam here Bob!”

 

“Sam, how’s Nutcracker doing?” He said playfully using their nickname for him now.

 

“Nutcracker is sleeping off the surgical dope but is doing great, he should be back to doing something soon enough.”

 

“When he can be up and around for a bit I’ll put him on clean up, then when he’s stronger I’ll get him back on the hammer.” Bob said.

 

“You’re a prince dude.”

 

“No I’m just trying to get that bum of a brother in law of mine off the payroll.” Bob said with a laugh. 

 

“Seriously how is he?”

 

“They got to the kidney just in time, we’re still waiting on the doctor to come around with the final report but it all looks good.”

 

“Fan-fucking-tastic.” Bob said the grin evident in his voice. “I need him back here, at least he can nail up a wall and it’s squared.”

 

“I’ll let Dean know that.” Sam said laughing.

 

“See ya.”

 

“Okay later.” And with that Sam pocketed his cell phone. Castiel appeared in the room next and he walked over to the bed laying both hands on Dean’s abdomen. He concentrated a moment, Dean had a sharp intake of breath and groaned slightly then subsided back to sleep.

 

“I speeded up the healing process and purified the other kidney.” Castiel said pulling back and taking a deep breath, bracing himself on the bed rail. Sam grabbed a chair and put in place for Castiel to simply sit down in. “It’s amazing what such a little bit of work will take out of you.”

 

“How much longer are you on restrictions?” Sam asked. 

 

“According to Cassiel, Michael sent up word that I’m to be on indefinite suspension.” Castiel said sighing.

 

“You mean Mike took a break in fighting long enough to talk to somebody.” Bobby said.

 

“I think he and Lucifer were in opposing corners waiting to duke it out some more. Why God permits this I don’t understand nor pretend to. I just know that it’s playing hell with the situation topside.

 

Dr. Samuelson stopped in and apologized up front for ghosting the surgery off on Dr. Petersen. “I’m sorry but I had a double emergency come up in trauma that I had to take care of or I would’ve been here. I’ve talked with Petersen though and he tells me that the kidney was taken in plenty of time. That there was no necrotic tissue and that the leads coming out of the kidney appeared to be quite healthy. So I’ve very encouraged. Petersen was my first choice, he’s a top notch kidney specialist and I knew he’d be more than up to the task.”

 

“Thanks for that Doc.” He walked over and put his stethoscope in his ears and checked Deans chest, then looked at the dressed site. 

“Good he made a minimal incision, it’ll take Dean much less time to heal up from this.” 

 

Dean stirred and saw that it was Samuelson. “’Lo sawbones.” Dean said good humouredly.

 

Dr. Samuelson grinned, “Haven’t heard that one in a while. How you feeling man?” 

 

“Well aside from the obvious of tired and sore, I’m feeling a bit puny.” Dean offered.

 

“You’re going to feel that way for a few days Dean, it’s your bodies way of one kidney taking over for two.” He reached out and patted Dean’s shoulder, “We’ll talk more when you’re awake better. For now get as much sleep as you can stomach then sleep some more.”

 

“Balls.” Dean bitched.

 

“Yeah and I’m busting one just trying to keep you healthy.” Samuelson said.

 

“I know Doc and I’m grateful.” Dean said seriously then yawned his eyes closing again.

 

“He’s gonna be like this the rest of the day so don’t get too excited that he’ll feel up to a round of poker.” The doc said then bid them a good day and was gone.

 

Sam and Bobby sat across from each other wondering who was going to be next when Dr. Carriggan showed up. 

 

“Just added Dean to my rounds to see how he was doing.”

 

Sam was getting tired now but politely told the doctor that he was improving, that he came through the surgery great and the doctor merely looked at Sam.

 

“You’re exhausted aren’t you? Sit.” Sam did as directed. “I know you’re trying to be polite, you’ve already had to tell the same story a dozen times and you’re just tired of it. I should’ve had more respect for you than to get another telling out of you. I’m sorry.”

 

Sam waved it away. “No problem, There has been a lot of traffic this last couple of days and it is wearing.”

 

“Why don’t you get Bobby to stay a while and you take some time off?”

 

“Can’t, I gotta open in the morning.” He turned to Dean who looked argumentative. “Shut up, Rachel has opened the last 4 days, it’s not fair to her to have to keep doing this. I love you but you’re at the head of a list of responsibilities.”

 

“As long as I’m at the head.” Dean said drowsily.

 

“Both of you, get some rest, I’ll see that a Family only sign is put up on the door. That’ll keep nosy folk out and give you a chance to rest up.” Carriggan walked over and patted Sam companionably and strong on the back. “You’d make a good husband.” He said in a rare gesture.

 

Dean smiled as did Sam. “Thanks doc. I think I already am.” He said taking Dean’s hand in his own.

 

Carriggan nodded then left the room. Dean was in between the awake period and sleep he looked around and caught eyes with Sam again then shot them away. 

 

“What?” Sam asked.

 

“I’m not worth it Sammy.” He said miserably.

 

“What are you on about now?” Sam asked.

 

“You damn well know. I’m fucking weak, I gave up. I’m a hazard in a hunt now.” Dean said angrily.

 

“Bullshit, you’re still Dean, you’re still my brother, and you still got a backbone of steel. You just had a lot of shit on you lately, hell we both have. It seems as if you’re a punching bag for someone’s jollies. But YOU’RE not weak. You’re hammered.” Sam said sternly.

 

“Whatever, what happens if I fall apart like this in the field?” Dean asked.

 

“Bro we been in tighter spots before and you held up fine, hell, you held up better than me, which ain’t saying much but you backed us both up.”

 

Dean lay there for a long minute and then took Sam’s proffered hand and squeezed hard. He winced but kept up the pressure. The pain brought tears to his eyes but he ignored them. Then he said in a strong, husky voice. “I’ll never fail us again.”

 

Sam smiled feeling a warmth steel through him at this reassurance.


	47. Chapter 47

It was three days in, Dean’s wrists were healing well as was his surgical site. Sam was working this morning so Bobby was staying the day with him. They talked shop mostly, some of the recent hunts Bobby had participated in and the outcomes. The old-timer admitted that he felt that he was losing some of his edge and so he was going on as being the information center only, manning the phones and such and leaving the field work to younger backs. 

 

“The way I got it figured I have roughly 200 hunters who have calls come through my house on a regular basis. It gets tiring, but it beats getting my ass kicked in the field.” Bobby said jokingly.

 

“I know that’s gotta piss you off some.” Dean offered. 

 

“Aw, it does a little, mostly I’m glad of the break. Gives me time to sit back and relax. Even if I’m running the phone banks. 

 

There was a tap at the door and two of his visitor team entered.

 

“Hey Ben, Candi, what’s up?” He asked.

 

“The group thought it would be good if we had a personal message from you to show to the kids to let them know how you’re doing. It would work better than us trying to explain all the time.” Candi said holding a digital videocamera.

 

“Oh God and I look like hell.” Dean said. 

 

“You look fine.” Ben argued, “Let just get a short clip that we can circulate through the network to update folks.”

 

“Okay, Bobby I may need some support on this one.” Dean said uncomfortably.

 

“You’ll do fine, ya big baby. Ham it up for the camera. The kid’s will love that.”

 

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” He said trying to muster up some kind of attitude that would help the kids then he thought of talking to the camera as if it were one or a group of the kids.

 

Candi pointed and the little red light came on, on the front of the camera. 

 

“Hi kids, it’s Uncle Dean here, look I want to let you know I’m doing lots better thanks to all the good thoughts you’re sending my way. I’m able to get out of bed on my own now and do things that I’ve been told to do and some things I’m not supposed to do. Well, enough of that. I just wanted to let you all know that I love you and miss you and look forward to coming back to visit you real soon. Maybe I can even sweet talk the nurses into allowing some of you to come visit. The think is that I’ll be in the hospital just a few more days then I’m going home for a while. That doesn’t mean I’m leaving you, it just means that it will give me a chance to recover faster from this surgery. Some of you are older and I expect you to help keep the younger ones brave in the face of all this. The main thing is there’s no changes, I’m not going away and I’m not giving up. I trust you all, I need to feel your trust. I love you. So long for now okay.”

 

He smiled and paused a few moments and then she cut off the camera. “Perfect. I’ll get this loaded up to the Facebook page so that other teams can play it for their groups. Have you been given a release date yet?” She asked.

 

“Not really they’re kind of vague on that. Dr. Carriggan is basically governing how long I get to stay in here.”

 

“How are you doing?” Ben asked concerned.

 

“You mean how am I mentally? Well I think I’m in a good headspace. I’ve got a lot to think about, and a lot of internal problems to work through, but I’m not giving up on the group that’s the main thing. You guys are so important there aren’t words to express how I feel about that.” 

 

“And here I thought you liked me because of my perky nipples.” Ben said laughing. They all had a bit of a laugh over that and was glad of it. Laughter released the stress they were feeling. Ben shrugged it sounded better if I said it.” He sparked.

 

Candi laughed turning a sight shade pink. “Glad he said it and not me.” She blurted. 

 

“You both are priceless, speaking of which I know that they have had to have an organizational meeting even without us, so how’re we sitting?” Dean asked.

 

“We got just over $85,000 in donations, with checks coming in ever few days. We’ve managed to put the wind up some church groups who want to get in on the action. We turned them down politely. That last thing we need like you said is proselyters getting around these kids. They got sense to know mostly right from wrong. We need to keep them in mind rather than what we’d like to do and mold them into a format we’d like to see.” 

 

“Sounds good Ben, you and Candi keep me posted. The main thing we gotta keep in focus is that we are filling in roles for parents who can’t be there around the clock. I know I sound like a broke record but that’s how it is. In fact, I’ve got an appointment set up between the staff up here and the cancer center to let me go to visit since I still can’t walk that far I’d be in a wheelchair. But we’re going to do it in a way not to scare them.” Dean said.

 

Ben and Candi conferred with them a few moments long and then were gone to upload the video and get it out to as many as possible. Sam helped Dean up then and they carefully took a shower with benefits which thrilled Dean and didn’t exactly turn Sam off. Afterwards Dean shaved and got himself presentable then just after lunch an orderly came in with a wheelchair. Dean climbed into it and made himself comfortable and was off to the cancer center. 

 

The children had just finished their lunch and were playing in the play area or taking naps when Dean, Sam and the orderly came on the scene. The children playing looked up and let out this gasp then a cheering whoop that woke up two who laid down. They all came down and surrounded the wheelchair touching him and loving on him to make sure he was real. Hugs were distributed all around. Then he gathered them in the play area.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t get down and play with you today, but I got a big ouchie. You see the doctors had to go in and take out one of my kidneys cause it had the C monster in it. Everything is better now, I feel lots better, but I’m still healing up, kind of like you do after chemotherapy.”

 

“Will you be back down to see us again?” Tommy asked.

 

“Every day that comes I’ll come down.” Dean told them.

 

“But what if some of us go home?” One of them asked. Their mother and father who were there with them smile encouragingly. 

 

“The I’ll ask your folks if it’s alright if we talk on the phone. Just cause you go home doesn’t mean that that’s the end of us. You might speak to me or one of the angels but you’ll get to talk to someone who understands.” Dean assured him.

 

There was some settling of the kids after that then kids, parents that were visiting along with Sam and Dean circulated and talked. After about an hour Dean started flagging a little and looked at Sam.

 

“Sammy, I’m kinda tired.” He admitted ruefully.

 

“It’s okay, you’re not expected to be on your toes for a two hour visit.” Then in a louder voice, “Kids come get a hug from Uncle Dean, I’ve got to take him back to his room to rest.” There were more hugs distributed and Dean was taken back to his room.

 

Once back in his bed he leaned back and let out a long sigh. “That was fun. Tiring but fun.”

 

“What’s that?” Dr. Carriggan asked entering the room.

 

“Hi doc, we just come back from visiting the kids.” Dean said happily.

 

“Good, anything that keeps you inspired and happy, I’ll 110% for.” Carriggan said. “So have there been any problem areas I need to know about?” He asked.

 

“Just wondering when you’re going to let me off the psych ward?” Dean asked.

 

“Oh, yes that. I don’t think you’re a danger to yourself or anyone else. What you did was an act of self-preservation done the only way you know how, which was rather drastic.” Carriggan noted. “I think that you can be released as soon as you can walk the length of the ward and not be exhausted. I and Dr. Samuelson wants your strength level to be as high as possible. But at the same time I need some kind of assurance you won’t try that fool act again.” 

 

“Yeah, that was kinda dumb.” Dean admitted.

 

“Kinda dumb, that’s like saying the Mona Lisa is kinda of a work of art.” Carriggan said.

 

“Yeah I get the point.” Dean said then winced at the double entendre and looked at the doc hoping that he didn’t catch it either. No such luck.

 

“Oh you about caught the point, at least you messed with the edge a bit.”

 

“Not funny doc.” Dean said.

 

“Neither was coming in here finding that you had to have some serious stitching up done.” Carriggan said then looked at the wall a moment then back at Dean. “What exactly were you trying to achieve with that act?”

 

“Nothing short of what I was aiming for. I wanted escape and that was the quickest way I knew to get it.” Dean admitted gamely.

 

“If you’d done more than nick that artery you would’ve achieved your goal.”

 

“What do you love most in this life? Go ahead and make a list.”

 

“Well there’s Sam of course, my baby, the kids, Bobby, my job, kind of a short list.” 

 

“Depends on how you look at it. Now in the importance of people in your life who’d be first to kick your ass for trying to take your life?”

 

“Bobby.” Dean said flatly. “Sorry Sam, I know you’d want part of that kicking, but you and I both know that Bobby would just flat out kick my ass before salting and burning me.”

 

“You’ve got a point.” Sam noted. Then he reached out and took Dean by the wrist. “But he’d have to go through me to get in line to do some ass kicking.”

 

“You know that’s still a little tender.” Dean said noting his wrist.

 

“Good, then it’s a reminder of what you did.” 

 

“Sam, not in front of the doc.”

 

“No by all means, get this out of your system Sam, it’s evidently been eating at you long enough.” Carriggan said quickly.

 

“You don’t get it. I lost you once for four months, over 120 days, I spent my later time with hookers just to get off, and I didn’t care which sex the hooker was, I was picking up guys and gals. But after a while I began to believe that you truly we’re coming back. There was no deal I could cut that would get you out of there, and even Bobby was coming up empty with ways. I was ready to face down death and see if we could cut a deal. I was desperate, then finally I stopped caring about anything, I was hunting to get myself killed. I was, Dean. I was going out on hunts with the distinct purpose of having something off me because I was too big of a coward to do it myself. Do you realize how fucked up that is?” Sam said his voice become hoarse and choked from containing the emotion he was feeling. “Then you went and slashed your wrists like that, I swore to myself that if you were successful I was going to eat a bullet. I swear to you I would.”

 

“Sam come on, you’re stronger than that.” Dean said quietly.

 

“Obviously not, because I already was mapping at the place and the gun I was going to use. It would’ve been in our bedroom wrapped in your clothes and using your 45.”

 

“What about the kids?” Dean gasped.

 

“What about them?” Sam answered. “I wasn’t thinking that far ahead, I was only thinking of losing you again. That thought dominated my mind. I couldn’t hold back, and afterwards when you were laying up here, I could still smell the blood Dean. I could still see you kneeling there. DAMN YOU DEAN!” Sam let the last burst out as his emotions were welling over the top, he still fought to keep them under control.

 

Dean looked down at his hands a minute. “A thought occurred to me.” Dean said huskily. “I don’t deserve someone like you.” Dean said stroking Sam’s arm with his hand. 

 

“You’re stuck with me though. Brothers and all that.” Sam said. 

 

“Brothers and lovers, sounds like the title of a bad gay porn flick.” Dean joked. Sam half-heartedly laughed. 

 

“There’s just no guarantee you won’t try this again.” Sam said.

 

“Yes there is.” Dean said quietly.

 

“What, what guarantee?” Sam asked.

 

He took Sam’s hand a moment, “Sam Winchester will you marry me?” 

 

“Come on man be serious.” Sam said as if it were a sick joke.

 

“I’m being very serious.” Dean said with a straight face, “I want you to marry me. We can pack a bag as soon as I get out of here, ride over to New York and make it legal.”

 

Sam sat there for a moment and looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. “You are serious.”

 

“Very and you know how well I do chick flick moments so hurry up an answer so we can get through this one.” Dean said.

 

Sam bent down and kissed him soundly. “Give me a day to think on that.”

 

“What’s to think on?” Dean asked.

 

“Dean, I just come through nearly losing your to your slitting your wrists, then there was some major surgery you went through. My nerves are raw man, please just a day.” Sam begged.

 

“Okay, you got your day.” Dean said sadly. Sam leaned against him.

 

“Don’t get all that. You’d do the same thing with me and you know it.” Sam mentioned.

 

“Actually it’s not a bad idea to wait a bit then make a decision, give yourself time to mull it all over. This is a pretty substantial step you’re thinking of taking. Not to mention you’ve already exchanged promise rings.” 

 

“Good point doc.” Dean said sighing. “I’m just so used to having things my way, I guess it’s just blindsided me.”

 

“You know what I really wish…?” Sam said blushing scarlet.

 

“Oh this must be good.”

 

“I…no…never mind, it’s just a silly, stupid notion.” Sam stumbled.

 

“No, it’s too late now, what is it?” Dean asked.

 

“I wish that we could have children. Something that would be part of both of us.” Sam rushed out and said. “See, I told you it’d be stupid.” 

 

“Not really, we got the cancer kids, but yeah, one to call our own, that would be cool.” Dean considered.

 

“Have you considered a surrogate mom?” Carriggan asked.

 

“This is the first time we really thought about this.” Sam admitted.

 

“Think about it. You both contribute a sperm sample, the eggs are then fertilized. Then the egg is placed back in the mother to gestate.” Carriggan explained. The doctor shrugged. “It’s something you might want to consider.”

 

Sam’s eyes lit up at the prospect and Dean grinned a little and shook his head. “I’m gonna get you for that one doc.” Dean promised. Carriggan just smirked.

 

“So where does that leave you?” Carriggan started. “You have to decide for yourself if you still feel you’re a danger to yourself. Personally I think you are a terminal danger to yourself just based on your emotional make up alone. But my opinion only goes so far and Sam, you’ve been mighty strong to put up with him. So think about your commitment to each other, and then think over what I said. I think you can go home in a few days. It’s just up to you whether you can act like an adult or a willful child.”

 

“Well just don’t mince words there doc.” Dean said caustically. 

 

“Dean, I was being as earnest as I know how. You’re a time bomb waiting to go off and you don’t know your ticking. Emotionally, you’re in a better place now than where you were a few months ago. I just want to know for sure you won’t try to do yourself again. So for that. Yeah you’re remaining on this ward for a couple of more days, I’d prefer the safety, then we’ll move you downstairs or around the corner to a regular ward.” Carriggan said.

 

“I can deal with that.” Dean said.

 

Carriggan stood and looked at him a moment then nodded, “I think you can. I’ll leave you two alone for a while now.” He left and Sam got up and paced the room a bit. 

 

“I can hear the rubber spinning.” Dean said.

 

“Sorry.” Sam replied. 

 

Dean smiled and looked out the window of his room for a moment then keyed his bed to elevate his head a little more. 

 

“You’re thinking about getting a surrogate aren’t you?” Dean asked. “You know we could adopt.”

 

“I know, but I want one that some of both of us. Maybe even twins, one that your sperm one that’s mine. I don’t know. And yeah part of me wants to get married, but part of me is holding back.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve not had the best track record lately.” Dean grimaced.

 

“No, it’s not you I’m worried about, it’s me. Am I really marriageable material?” Sam asked himself.

 

Dean patted the bedside and Sam came over and sat down cuddling into Dean. He stayed that way for quite a while until Dean had thought he was asleep, then he looked down and saw Sam’s wet cheeks.

 

“Hey what’s all this about?” Dean asked carding his fingers through Sam’s hair.

 

“Me having a girly moment.” Sam said through the tears. “I can’t get it out of my head how close I came to losing you again.”

 

“Shh, I’m not leaving you like that again as long as I can help it.” Dean said kissing him. They held each other close for several more long minutes. “You know, my side’s healing up fine. And I feel great. I’m ready to go home, but these damn hospital whores want to hold me a while longer.”

 

Sam laughed.

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“It’s good to hear you griping again. Let’s go for a walk.” Sam offered.


	48. Chapter 48

  
Author's notes: Get ready for the Jerry Springer show with this chapter!!  


* * *

Dr. Samuelson was examining Dean’s side when Bobby came in with a tray and three coffees. He walked over and set it on the table. 

 

“Well the incision has healed up nicely. With any luck you’ll just have a minor scar to match the roadwork of scars you already have. Just try to avoid bullets in the future okay?” Samuelson asked.

 

“I try all the time, just sometimes I get in the way of one and well, shit happens.”

 

“Well just avoid that kind of game play in the future if possible. I think you can go home now. I don’t see any reason to keep you here. You’re able to walk pretty much the length of the hall which means you’ll be able to get to the bathroom and back. You’re on lifting restrictions for the next two weeks, nothing heavier than five pounds to start.” Samuelson said sternly.

 

“Don’t worry about that doc, my wrists send me reminders when I try to stretch my limits.” Dean said smartly.

 

“Good, at least something other than your balls is working.” 

 

“Ball, singular.” Dean said snidely.

 

“Whatever. I’ll go draw up the dismissal paperwork and we should have you out of here by lunchtime!” The doc said brightly.

 

Dean grinned as did Sam and Bobby. Sam looked at Dean then bent over for a kiss, “Gotta get to work, I managed this long to get to hear any good news. Bobby can you get him home alright?” 

 

“Hell ya, go on.” Bobby said offering a cup to Sam who hurried out. 

 

Samuelson stood, “Gotta get that paperwork started then, shouldn’t take more than an hour or so.” 

 

“Which translates into about 3 hour’s hospital time.” Dean said good-naturedly.

 

“You’re learning out secrets, we may have to sequester you here.” Samuelson kidded.

 

“Don’t go there doc.” Dean pitched half seriously.

 

“No, you’re good enough to go home.” Samuelson said leaving. 

 

Bobby passed Dean a cup and took his own. “You’ll never know how glad I’ll be to see the inside of our little place.” 

 

“I can guess. I never was one for hospital stays myself. Makes me buggy.” Bobby admitted. “So you got your head on straight?” 

 

“Yeah, no more stupid stunts.” Dean groused.

 

“Good, that’s good to hear. Cause the next time I might be tempted to let you finish the job.” Bobby charged.

 

“Thanks for the support chain there boss.” Dean snapped.

 

“Good, you do have a bit of spunk left in you.” Bobby nodded.

 

“Cause the first thing we’re going to do when you get home is get you started working out and walking to get yourself back into fighting form. Talked with your boss the other day, he’s gonna take you on as soon as you can manage an 8 hour shift standing. So you got some work to do. You also got one helluva boss.”

 

“Yeah I know.” Dean admitted.

 

The morning passed slowly with them playing cards and waiting for the nurse with the dismissal forms. It was more like early afternoon when they came around and Dean signed the lot of them and was soon dressed in street clothes and riding a wheelchair down to the first floor. 

 

Bobby pulled his Nova around and got Dean loaded, pitching his kit bag into the back seat. Then they took off with Dean looking over to Bobby, “Pull into this Burger King up here, I’m dying for some junk food.”

 

They did and ordered two take outs and then went home. Dean was hustled inside barely making it up the three steps in the back. He got to their living room and stretched out on the couch taking his proffered whopper and fries. 

 

“Oh thank God, some real food.” He said biting into the hamburger like it was prime rib. He and Bobby ate and watched some television then Dean began to get drowsy. Bobby checked the clock and got Dean’s dose of medicine together and administered that, then hushed as Dean drifted off to sleep. 

 

Five o’clock came around and Sam came in the back door loaded down with bags. Bobby rushed through to help. 

 

“Stopped at Publix on the way home and picked up some stuff. Then he brought in the case of beer which Bobby eyed hopefully. “He can have a couple a day, I’m going to try to stay on that as well. How’s he been doing?” 

 

“Sleeping the last little while. He’s dozing now, we were watching a football game on ESPN and he got bored and actually fell asleep.” Bobby commented.

 

“He’s awake now and would like a beer.”Came the call from the living room.

 

“All right keep your britches hitched a moment.” Bobby called back. “He’ll live.” 

 

Sam laughed and started putting away groceries as they all had a beer. 

 

It was two days later that they, Sam and Dean met with Dr. Carriggan. 

 

“You realize we could have rescheduled this if it’s too soon.” Carriggan said.

 

“It’s not soon enough.” Dean said pressing a hand to his side a moment. “The babies kicking.” He said jokingly.

 

The bandages were off his wrists now and now he was sporting a matching set of slash scars where he’d tried to take his life. He looked at them a moment and then felt eyes on him. He shook himself out of his revelry and focused on the doctor who was not going to let the moment pass.

 

“What do you find when you look at the scars?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Loathing, self-loathing for being such a selfish bastard.” Dean said caustically.

 

“Sounds good on paper but what are you really feeling?” Carriggan pressed. 

 

Dean started and stared at the doctor for a long moment. He spoke calmly never taking his eyes off him. “That I fucked up, that I was sloppy, that I was inadequate to the job, I didn’t finish what I started.”

 

“Do you want to?” Carriggan asked quietly.

 

“No,” He said and shook his head looking at Sam. “I’ve got too much to live for.”

 

“Again, are you speaking the truth or just telling me what you think I want to hear?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Doc?” Sam started but Carriggan raised his hand a moment.

 

“Dean?” 

 

“You bastard, of course I want to live. I fucked up, for that I have no excuse, but I’ll not fuck up again.” Dean growled.

 

“You were sloppy, but you were also tore up at the time. So now you’ve been out of the hospital several days how are things going at home?” Carriggan asked.

 

“It’s good doc.” Sam spoke up for the first time. “It’s really good to have Dean back, the real Dean.” Sam grinned.

 

“It sounds like you don’t mind the bitching.” Carriggan said.

 

“For the first night or so after this happened I prayed he would wake up cussing me a blue streak. I wished that he would wake up and give me hell. But he was so quiet.”

 

“How about now?” 

 

“He’s back to his old self. He’s putting in a couple of hours a day with Bob on his work site cleaning up. And then it’s back home to rest up.”

 

“How are things between you two?” Carriggan asked.

 

“In the bedroom?” Dean asked.

 

“If you choose to go there, then yes.” Carriggan responded.

 

“We’re careful but it’s great. The sex means so much more now.” Dean said.

 

“How do you mean?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Before it was great, we were really good together, now it’s like there’s a whole new us out there. It’s just so damn cool.”

 

“Good, that really sounds promising.”

 

“Yeah and WE are going to go up to see our kids tonight.” Sam said happily.

 

“Looking forward to that are you?” He asked Dean.

 

“Yeah, they need a role model, I’m not the best one in the world but I do my best.” He said furiously blinking and obviously trying to control his emotions.

 

“What the matter?” Carriggan asked concerned. 

 

“We got to go down the day I was dismissed, I had the wrist bandages off and loving that feeling then Tommy came up and put his finger on one of the scars, and…” Dean gulped hard around the lump that was in his throat. “”He said his mama had boo-boos like that, and she had to stay away for a while.” I was okay with that but then he reached up and hugged my neck and whispered. “Please don’t go away from us.”” Dean said the tears coursing slowly for a moment. Sam hugged him hard. Then he looked up at the doctor wiping his cheeks carefully, “On another note I’ve been on the patch full time and haven’t had a smoke since I went in the hospital.”

 

“That’s great!” Carriggan privately cheered.

 

“I could use one now though.” He admitted. “Tommy is so little but so wise. Children scare me sometimes, in that they got a better handle on living that we adults do.” 

 

“Yes children see life so simplistically and without the guilt and trappings we shove on it.” Carriggan admitted. The doctor turned around in his chair and passed the ash tray to Dean. “Go ahead if you want to.”

 

Dean looked at the ashtray, empty but for a few ashes and on butt. He could feel the urge coming on strong and found some inner strength and passed the ashtray back to Carriggan.

 

“I don’t feel like it all of the sudden.” He said distractedly. 

 

“You’ll find soon enough that people smoke like they drink. A drinker will find a reason for that next shot or that next beer, sometimes stupid reasons, smokers are no different. We find reasons to want to light up at the drop of a hat. Some of us believe it calms the nerves, some believe it gives our hands something to do when we’re nervous, there’s so many excuses and so many reasons that it borders on the ridiculous. Then there are those of us who ignore all the wants and cravings and just push it away. Not unlike an avid dieter will push away a dessert that is offered.” Carriggan smiled sitting the ash tray back on the window sill. I used to be two packs a day, it was my coping mechanism. I carried my lighter in one pocket and a spritzer of Binaca in the other. I was just kidding myself, so that when I came down with a rather serious case of pneumonia I decided it was better off if I quit. I used the patch and cut back, and gradually it’s helped me get from two packs a day to maybe 6 cigarettes a day.”

 

“Damn doc, you’d never know it.” Sam commented.

 

“Thank you, I work hard at that disguise that was one reason I was so vehement when you mentioned you were up to a pack a day.” Carriggan told Dean. “So made any plans regarding children yet or is that still a dream for the future.”

 

“We got thinking about the idea and the life that we lead and decided that it was best if we confined our attention to the cancer kids.” Sam said.

 

“Sam with all due respect that sounded about as canned as a tin of sardines. Tell me what you really think.”

 

“I just did.” Sam argued.

 

“What Sam’s trying to say is that there is no telling if we might go back on the road hunting. We don’t want to submit to a child the same kind of life we grew up with.”

 

“So you’re not willing to give yourself a bit of happiness for the sake of each other? That’s basically what you’re trying to say isn’t it?” Carriggan noted.

 

“You don’t mince words doc.” Dean noted. 

 

“Then quit shoveling bullshit at me.” Doc Carriggan replied grinning. 

 

Dean sighed. “We want that happiness. We really do. We’re just not sure if we can handle the job.”

 

“Granted it’s a job that once you have it you can’t or shouldn’t throw it away. You are responsible for that little life.” Carriggan confirmed. “Give it some serious consideration instead of burying it in nonsense. And listen to each other; don’t just write off the idea because you don’t think you’d make good fathers or some other nonsense.”

 

“Doc, I gotta admit to being uncomfortable with the idea. I’m afraid that something will happen that will force us to have to pull up stakes and move. There just so much more we have to think about in a situation like this.”

 

Carriggan sighed and sat back satisfied. “I would’ve been worried if you immediately jumped at the idea, because I understand the gypsy nature of your existence. I understand that this protracted vacation from the hunt is just another way for you to vary your life’s day to day happenings. Keep your life simple, that’s the way you like it and that’s the way that it appears to work best for you.”

 

“Whew, I was afraid for a moment you were going to tell us to immediately look into finding a surrogate mother.” Sam sighed. “I love the idea of children, but I realize our lifestyle and it will always be an idea.” Sam said sadly.

 

“You really have maternal instincts don’t you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I kid him all the time about not having girl parts.” Dean admitted then he saw the look on Sam’s face and could tell his joke fell flat. “Hey Sam…”

 

“No Dean, you’re right I’m girl in all but body, maybe I’m transgendered. I don’t know but I realize the life we face and crave the chance to raise a baby.” Sam said miserably.

 

“Sammy, that that was joking was all.” He said trying to lighten the moment.

 

“Maybe I don’t want the moment lightened.” Sam returned.

 

“Oh shit here we go.” Dean groused.

 

That was all it took for Sam to turn loose with a backhand that hit Dean square in the face.

 

“Whoa! Gents, I permit a lot of things in my office but violence like this isn’t one of them.” Carriggan said sternly.

 

Dean was bowed over and not raising his head, “Tissue please.” Carriggan proffered one which lead to several at it appeared Dean had one hell of a nose bleed. “I think you broke it.” Dean said yelping slightly as he tried to move it. He kept his head down and tried to get the bleeding to stop. “What is wrong with you?!” Dean said angrily.

 

Carriggan settled back into his chair after going to his exam room for some gauze and other materials medical. He took a look at Dean’s nose and pushed some gauze up each nostril and had him leaning forward to stop the bleeding. 

 

“I’m sick and tired of every time I express something remotely like a tender feeling being branded with some stupid … oh Goddamn it!” He nearly shouted then turned away from him.

 

“Shit, I didn’t mean anything by it.” Dean griped.

 

“If you didn’t then why did you make such a production out of it?”

 

“What are you talking about, production?” Dean said touching his nose then hissing an oath and he jerked back from the touch. “I really think you broke it.” 

 

“It’ll heal.” Sam said dryly. “No Dean, if I mention anything or do anything resembling an emotion other than blatant male machismo you call me girly, or Samantha, or god know what else. I’m tired of it.” Sam swore.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were so uptight about that. If I had, I’d stopped long ago.” Dean tried.

 

“No you wouldn’t. That’s the thing, you are the quintessential school yard bully, you find a nit to pick at and you keep hammering on it. Not caring how the other person feels.” Sam did shout this time. 

 

Dean was silent for a long moment. Carriggan watched the interchange and made a silent text note to his front desk to delay his next appointment.

 

“You really thing I’m a bully?” Dean asked quietly. 

 

“Dean for all that I love you there is that one facet of your personality which is like a cancer as well. You use it to inflict on others.” Sam threw up his hands, “I don’t expect you to come to me every time I have a feeling and commiserate, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing if you at least gave that more of a shot than the continual picking.”

 

Sam sat back and gathered himself, calming down little by little, it was a difficult thing to do at best but he tried hard to accomplish it. He got up finally and started pacing the office in the hopes of calming down a bit quicker then he saw the doctor working with him and noting as well the bleeding had stopped. Carriggan checked it over with a practiced eye and pronounced.

 

“Not broken but severely bruised.” 

 

“Thanks doc.” Dean muttered “Feel better?” 

 

“I’m sorry I bloodied your nose but you had it coming.” Sam said.

 

“Why do you say that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Because every time I’ve tried to get close to you while you’ve been sick, you push me away or accept my attempts with bad grace.” Sam said finally simmering down and coming to a quiet steam so he managed to sit down on the couch. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think this was …wait a minute. This isn’t just about me picking at you; I’ve done that since we were teenagers. You want the possibility of a child of our own.” 

 

Sam looked away quickly his emotions completely exposed. “Yeah, yeah I do. Even for all the upset it’s gonna cause.” He said miserably.

 

“But we talked this out…” Dean said.

 

“No you talked. I listened and agreed on some points, tried to interject my own opinion but you overrode everything.”

 

“Do usually attempt to listen to his portion of a conversation as well?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I try to.” Dean said looking obviously stricken, “Evidently I’ve not been doing such a hot job.”

 

“What was your first clue Sherlock?” Sam shot.

 

“Tell me what you want, talk to me.” Dean pleaded.

 

Sam turned, deflated now. “I just want you to listen to me instead of listen to my ideas only long enough to refute them. You act like you already have your mind made up before we begin talking.”

 

“I do?” Dean asked with reticence.

 

“Yes Dean, love of my life, you do.” Sam said tiredly. “I don’t want you to bend to every whim I have, but I would like to have you listen to me for a change and quit treating my little emotional quirks as a personal assault on your manhood. And for the record I’m glad that I didn’t break your nose.” 

 

“You would’ve made your point better if you had.” Dean said gingerly touching his nose.

 

“I can arrange that.” Sam said casually.

 

“I’m sure you could.” Dean responded evenly. “So where does this leave us?” 

 

“We’re going to get up and exit here with as much dignity as possible, we’re going to get home, and then you are going to lay down as you’ve been up far too long today, don’t even think about accusing me of mother henning you or I’ll make it worse. Then once we get you situated, we’re going to calmly discuss this situation with the possibility of a child in our future.” Sam said looking at him evenly.

“Am I thoroughly understood?”

 

“Like fine crystal, you’re coming through loud and clear.” Dean said crisply.

 

“Are we through for now doctor?” Sam said quietly.

 

“I get the opinion we are through whether I want to continue or not.” He said with a grin, “Go home and dominate the hell out of him.”

 

Sam stood then fixed Dean with a glare, “Let’s go.”

 

“This is going to be interesting.” Dean responded.

 

“Be sure to remember the juicy bits to tell me next time.”

 

“He’s going to be lucky to remember his name by the time I’m through with him.” Sam said starting towards the door. 

 

“I wouldn’t be you for all the tea in China.” Carriggan told Dean.

 

“How do you think I feel.” Then catching the imperious look from Sam. “Coming.”

 

“Yes, you will be.” Sam said smirking ominously.

 

Dean shivered as they left.


	49. Chapter 49

Dr. Carriggan entered his consulting room and saw Dean and Sam sitting there peacefully and sighed. Mentally he was glad he hadn’t had to call 911 to take care of a domestic dispute in his office from the last visit. This visit looked promising.

 

“Guys,” Carriggan started by way of greeting. “Sorry about that, ran over with another patient. You know the routine.” He acknowledged.

 

“Sure, not a problem to me.” Dean said. Sam nodded as well and was smiling.

 

“I trust I won’t have to call in the city’s finest this week.” He said flatly.

 

“No, no high drama, I promise.” Sam said. “We worked some things out. And we’ve come to a decision with the children issue.” 

 

“Yes and…?” Carriggan said anxiously.

 

“We’re going to try the surrogate mother method. We’ve found a reputable doctor to do the work and met with the mother to be, we hope. We both were high end tested for HIV and other STD’s and come back clean so there’s no problem in that. What the doctor insisted for us is that he mixes the samples of sperm. And give them both a crap shoot at fertilizing an egg. We’re going for only one, which should make some activists sit up in alarm, but we know what we’re getting into. At least I do. Sammy has yet to be exposed to three a.m. feedings and the interminable diaper changing.” Dean explained calmly but grinning with the memory.

 

“So what happened when you left here?” Carriggan asked concerned.

 

“Dean was disciplined a little for his actions and we had fantastic make up sex.” Sam crooned. 

 

“What did you finally agree to?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Dean gets to mildly jibe me in public about my girlyness. But this maximum overdrive machismo ultra testosterone driven caveman image is going to cease. We’re in this for life, like it or not we’re brothers. We’ve also acknowledged the fact that yeah as love each other, really LOVE each other. That was a major advance in my opinion.” Sam replied.

 

Carriggan leaned back in his easy chair looking at them. “You seem almost eerily calm.”

 

“Sorry, we made a promise to behave ourselves in the office today so we’re being civil.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“What about outside the office?”

 

“We’re still civil, we’re working through the issues a little at a time, but we’re not giving up. We got ourselves told out at the last meeting we went to with the kids.” Dean started.

 

“Yeah, Tommy pegged us after about five minutes. He looked up and asked me why I was mad at Uncle Dean.” Sam said.

 

“From the mouths of babes.” Carriggan quoted.

 

“Yeah it brought us both up short and we had to sort of kiss and make up in front of the kids. Later we decided that we’ve gotten too comfortable with each other and while we are brothers we lost sight of what it was to be lovers. Oh yeah the sex is great. But there is an element there that we’re missing.” Sam said.

 

“Bobby put it into perspective for us the other night. We were sitting around after supper just watching some TV and chewing the fat.

:

:

:

Bobby stared at the TV screen a few more minutes and then looked over at the couch where Dean was laying and the loveseat where Sam was sitting. He snorted. Sam looked up not surprised or anything mostly what was on TV was white noise anyway.

 

“What’s up with you two?” Bobby asked.

 

Dean looked at Sam and they looked together at Bobby, “What are you on about now?” Dean asked. “There’s nothing up with us two.”

 

“Oh does that count for why Sam is sitting there anxiously on the loveseat and your laying out stiff on the couch. Raise up Dean.”

 

“What!?” Dean said.

 

“I said raise up, you damn idgit.” Bobby repeated. Dean complied. “Now Sam slide onto the couch and Dean lay your head in his lap.”

 

“I didn’t think you liked this shit.” Dean said as Sam complied.

 

“What I don’t like is seeing you two fighting like a couple of school kids. Hell, you’re acting like you’re in grade school again.”

 

Dean lay his head in Sam’s lap and after a moment actually started to relax. He looked up to Sam who was looking down at him with a similar expression.

 

“Where did we go wrong?” Sam asked his voice husky.

 

“I think when I tried to take over thinking for you. I acted like an ass and I’m sorry.” Dean said quietly.

 

Sam carded his finger through Dean’s short hair. “I can never stay mad at you for long.” He said with a grin. 

 

“I do love you. There I said it, the big L word; I’m lowering my defenses so shoot away.” Dean said stiffly.

 

“I love you too and I don’t want to try to score points off you. We both made mistakes; we just have to learn where we went wrong and fix it.” 

:

:

:

“That’s when we started seriously talking about the children thingy.” Sam said.

 

“It’s sounding better and it’s something Sam really wants.” Dean said.

 

Sam reached over and grabbed Dean’s free hand. “It is, I desperately want so part of both of us to raise up. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl so long as they’re healthy and at least looks like you.” Sam said smiling.

 

“You realize this is a major step for you. You’re not talking about just a 9 month commitment to the surrogate mother, but at least an 18 year trip with a child.”

 

“Yeah we know that now. So we started looking for a larger house, doesn’t matter if it’s a rental or a buy, but we want somewhere with at least three bedrooms. That way we got a guest room and a nursery.” Sam said.

 

“You particularly want this child to be fertilized with Dean’s sperm don’t you?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Yeah I guess I do. I’ve got Dean, but if something ever happened to him, I’d be lost. At least with a child that would give me some focus.” Sam said his maternal instincts kicked wide open.

 

Dean’s paternal instincts were as valid as he looked at Sam. “We talked this out quite a bit and decided that at least this way if one of us croaks before the other, there’s a lifeline there.”

 

“So you’re preparing a future for yourselves.” Carriggan said approvingly. “This is a good thing. Is this going to be a financial strain?” 

 

“We discussed that as well, I’m getting better every day, I’m up to a four hour shift with Bob doing clean up. And next week I should be able to pick up a nailer without much trouble. So I can go back to building. Sure I’ll be a drag being there only four hours to start, but Doc Samuelson and Petersen both like my recovery and they’re encouraging me to do more. So I’m doing what I feel physically able to handle. The scar’s healed up and the tenderness is pretty much gone.” Dean said happily. 

 

Sam grinned, “I’m back to a full shift, now that Bobby’s here for the duration and I know Dean’s taking care of himself. Well, he’s taking as much care as he wants.”

 

“These are all positive responses. Are there any negative issues you’re dealing with right now?” 

 

“Just picking out a name for the baby.” Dean laughed. “We pretty much agreed on Jacob Micah for a boy, but we’re still undecided if it’s a girl.”

 

“Yeah the only time you ever had to think of a girl’s name was the next morning after you banged one that stayed the night.” Sam joked.

 

“Thought we agreed to let that go.” Dean said sarcastically.

 

“Yeah, we did, sorry, my bad.” Sam agreed. “I still can’t believe we’re going this route.”

 

“Like I said before the only thing I was afraid of was some witch zapping us so that the next time we had sex one of us would get knocked up.”

 

“Yeah the supermarket tabloids would eat that up.” Carriggan said. 

 

“It was hard enough getting the okay for this. We had to go through the courts system to get permission to father a child based on each of us being a sperm donor.” Dean said shaking his head.

 

“So how far along in the process are you? I mean it’s been two weeks since your last appointment.”

 

“We got court approval, tests done, mother interviewed, the next thing is for the doctor to collect the eggs and for us to submit a sample to pull from. Once that’s done they do the in vitro thing and then we wait.”

 

“Is there a codicil on place to protect your rights with the possession of the child?” Carriggan said.

 

“Yeah once the baby is born it’s taken from the birth mother, something we are still having a problem with but as the doctor explained to us, it would give the baby and mother a bonding moment and that could be detrimental to the development of the baby as being our child.” Dean explained.

 

“So you’re preparing for this?” Carriggan asked. 

 

“Yeah, we already announced to our respective work teams that we’re trying to be poppa’s and so far we’ve not met with any resistance. Bobby’s gonna keep his place in Sioux Falls and move in with us. He’s got a nephew he says he trusts to run the junkyard side. He’s having his side of the hunting business routed over to our new place when we get it and then he’ll be available as a grandpa.”

 

“Sounds like you boys should be looking for at least a 4 bedroom place.” Carriggan observed.

 

“That’s what Dean seems to think as well. One more bedroom won’t be that large of a stretch of the imagination.” Sam agreed.

 

“As soon as the pregnancy is confirmed we’ll start house hunting.” Dean acknowledged.

 

“Have you considered how much of an interruption this will be with your lives?” the doc asked.

 

Dean nodded, “There are some things we’re going to have to do different but that kid is going to be raised knowing he has two daddies.”

 

“You said he…predicting the gender already?” the doc joked.

 

Dean laughed. “Something like that. We can use the “as long as it’s healthy” approach for a while, but it boils down to, he or she and I happen to think it’s gonna be a he.”

 

“What about your cancer kids, what are you gonna tell them?” Carriggan asked.

 

“That’s the next big hurdle we gotta clear. These kids are smart; they change from month to month, a new one coming in for a while, an older one going home. It’s a revolving door syndrome, that they know we’re brothers is a given, I don’t think they suspect anything stronger at least they don’t act like it.” Sam noted.

 

“So you’re going to keep the brothers persona before them. And Jacob Micah will be a gift from heaven?”

 

“Something like that.” Dean said.

 

“Let’s take a moment and get back to the child rearing issues. Of which there will be many. You say that you’re going to rear this child knowing he OR SHE has two daddies. Have you considered how that will impact him or her when this child gets into grade school?” 

 

Dean and Sam traded looks a moment. “We were going to deal with that when the time came.” Dean said. 

 

“I think it’s something best planned ahead of time, after all, children can be uncommonly cruel when it comes to anything which could be deemed unusual.” Carriggan explained.

 

“That’s something we didn’t even think of.” Dean said suddenly alert.

 

“I know, and oh shit, he’ll be a target for every class prank and bully.”

 

“Now wait a minute gentlemen.” Carriggan interceded, “You’re jumping the gun way ahead of the horse. First, the child hasn’t even been conceived yet, much less impregnated into the mother. Second, this is 2011, it will be at least 2017 before that child goes to school, 2015 if you do Pre-k and Kindergarten. Attitudes are changing daily. Don’t go panicking now over something that may likely be totally acceptable by the time your child is old enough to enter school.”

 

“Good points. I guess that means we’ll have to get on board with some of activist groups and advocate for education for teachers to prepare them for this kind of thing.” Sam started.

 

“Which means you’ll have to out yourselves to your cancer kids group.” Carriggan threw out for them to chew on.

 

“Joseph, Mary, and the jumped up donkey, you’re just full of good news today!” Dean started.

 

“Dean, he’s right, that’s something we should’ve been upfront about with the group before we even got this far.” Sam agreed.

 

“Well the sooner the better, because they’ll be fallout to handle on this. Let’s meet with our executive group first and come out to them then work out a time to meet with the entire group and work out something with them.” Dean said.

 

“I’m sorry guys, but these are eventualities you would have had to face anyway.”

 

“Thanks for pointing this out to us doc.”

 

“Yeah, we’ve got another appointment in 2 weeks. We’ll give you the low down on the situation then.”

 

“Don’t let this dampen the idea you have about going ahead and having a child. Or did you think children?” 

 

“No doc, child, singular, not plural, one, only one for right now.” Sam said desperately. 

 

“That’s something to consider as well. Look, I’ve burdened you with enough in the last 10 minutes for you to be mulling over for a while. Just give this whole situation careful thought, and whatever you do, come out to your executive board. They deserve the right to know.”

 

“You’re right doc. I hate to admit it on this count but you are right.”


	50. Chapter 50

Two weeks passed in a blur to Sam and Dean, Dean was up to a six hour shift three days a week, and getting stronger by the day, he was also back to framing in walls so that helped him and Bob, though it pissed off the brother in law when he was put on a secondary crew from Bob’s. Sam was working full shifts and as it worked they once again arrived at the doctor’s office in a state of mild agitation.

 

The nurses seeing this admitted them straight back to the consulting room and after about 15 minutes, Dr. Carriggan entered to see them both sitting there agitated and looking longingly at the refrigerator.

 

“You know you can have a beer if you want one.” He offered.

 

“I’m afraid that if I start at one I won’t be able to stop any time soon.” Dean said.

 

“What’s got you so stirred up?” Carriggan asked.

 

Dean shifted and looked at Sam who indicated for him to start. “You remember how you told us to come out to our executive board? We did and that went all right, we were advised to give it a few days for them to do some telephone calling and feeling out the group before we came out to them. We got the go ahead a couple of days ago and last night was the regular meeting.” Dean said in a rush.

:

:

:

The hall was pretty crowded, there were over 50 teams of visitors present, with Sam, Dean, and the entire board facing the group. There was a quite hum of conversation going on before the meeting was called to order. That was when Sam stood up and faced the group.

 

“It’s so good to see all of you out this evening, we represent 54 teams of volunteers who are visiting, hospitals and hospices to help bring a little ray of sun into the lives of our cancer kids. I’m going to pat you all and all of us on the back in that this is something that would not have been possible without the faith and doggedness of each team.” Sam took a deep cleansing breath and started again. 

 

“I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that the executive members of the group are up here with us tonight, that’s because tonight we have some news to share with you, how you receive the news will be greatly up to you. But I hope that it will not deter you from the mission of this group. It’s not deterred us.” Now Sam took a real deep breath before launching into the deep end of the pool.

 

“Three days ago, Dean and I met with the executives to make an announcement which could have shattered the leadership, but thanks to the open mindedness of the leadership and the goal oriented vision that we share it united us even more.” Now Dean got up and stood before them and beside Sam. “The announcement that was made was that Dean and I are brother’s yes, and we are also gay.”

 

There was a collective gasp that seemed to roll through the room, but no outright explosions of anger. “We are gay and we are lovers.” Again another gasp rolled through. “This does not in any way affect our performance as a team, nor does it affect our work with the kids. For those of you concerned, we are monitored just like you are when you go to visit your kids. We are treated no differently, we act no differently. Have we told the kids about this, NO. This is information which does not directly affect them,” He could hear an angry buzz from several points in the room. “We understand that some of you may have problems working with or for homosexuals, if that’s the case and if it’s significantly going to affect your work may I ask you to please leave now.”

 

There were three teams that threw up their hands and left the room. Dean and Sam looked at each other for a long moment. “We have not nor will we be in your face with this news, but we felt that you as teams deserved to know the truth. Now I’ll open the floor to any questions.”

 

That took about a microsecond, hands went up all over the room. Dean recognized one of the teams. “Nan, Mark…”

 

“If this going to affect the overall operation of the organization?” Nan asked.

 

“Only if you let it do so. We are not going to start acting any different other than possibly hugging a bit more around you all. We are not sissy about this. We are who you’ve seen.”

 

“What about the negative publicity?” Another team called out.

 

“What about it.” Dean answered. “Any negative feedback will be dealt with by us. You are the reason this mission has gone forward and been so popular. Not because the leadership is gay. Of those three groups that left, we know who they are, they were contacted just like you were and were notified of some significant news. We will attempt to do everything in our power to bring them back, but we can’t achieve miracles without some help.”

 

Dean stood there for a moment. “We will not be in your face with this.” He repeated. “But we’re not going to hide any longer, the truth would have come out eventually, better it come out from our mouths than from the mouths of some hyped up news hound.”

 

“Most of all we hope to continue to enjoy the trust that you’ve put in us thus far so that we can keep this thing steamrolling!” Sam said trying to push a positive attitude into the arena. Suddenly there was dead silence, hands slowly went down around the room, then after another moment clapping started, slow but increasing in volume and frequency until at last the whole room was clapping and cheering. Sam and Dean looked at each other and at the board who were smiling and clapping as well. They fell into each other’s arms in a relieved hug. The clapping if anything grew louder. After several minutes the crowd quietened down and a few hands around the room went up. 

 

Dean recognized one group, “Dean, we need to know you’ll have our backs if we have yours.”

 

“Like you have to ask!” Dean said smiling, “Seriously no one group will take the heat for what we’ve announced this evening. Of that one thing you may be sure of. We are not going to let any one or two of you or more, take any heat we’re not prepared to handle. Will there be negative talk about this? Probably, there always are those few who thrive on negativity. We will have to combat it at all levels. If it becomes necessary we will disassociate ourselves from the Angel s.” Now a negative murmur ran through the group. “I said IF it becomes necessary, it’s not going to be our first line of defence.”

 

“Yes, Ted, Martha!” Sam called. 

 

“Is there anything we can do to head off the negative publicity?” Ted Asked.

 

“Not really, in fact, the less you are involved with any of the publicity that comes up about this that is negative the better it’ll make us look. If someone approaches you and asks how do you like working for that fag organization, let them know that the group is led by a President, Vice President, Treasurer and Secretary, that’s the leadership and none of them are fags.” There was a chuckle that went through the room at that. 

 

“What about groups like Focus on the Family?” Martha called out.

 

“Groups like that thrive on the hate media that they can generate about something like this. Ignore them. If you are approached for an interview, refuse them politely or answer questions regarding the organization. Let us handle these fringe hate groups.”

:

:

:

After the better part of the hour Dean and Sam shared the story of what happened. And then Dean got up and went over getting a couple of beers, passing one to Sam who popped the top gladly. 

 

“Any fallout?” Carriggan asked.

 

“There’s been a little, mostly in letters to editors from former members of the group. These letters are usually followed up with a firestorm of mail from other people, patient’s families and others who are in support of us and what we do.”

 

“How about on the job?” Carriggan asked.

 

“Well they don’t know where I work from day to day.” Dean said with a grin. “Bob tells most of them to politely fuck off and die.”

 

“The publicity has only increased the restaurant’s popularity and business so Rachel is happy with that. She told me I could show up in drag if I wanted. I politely refused a body like mine and drag do not go together. Unless I was impersonating Bea Arthur of course.” Sam joked.

 

“So overall the fallout has been positive.” 

 

“Yeah,” Dean said, “The organization has got some hate mail, but mostly again it’s from either those who stormed out of the meeting or someone connected to them. The overall positive reception is nullifying these assholes.”

 

“What about the reception you’ve been getting at the hospital?” 

 

“The administration was uptight at first, then the figured how long we’d been doing the visiting, with and without parents around, and the fact that we were under constant supervision from the nursing staff all made for cheery joy on their part. Pissed me off that they thought so little of us to think we need supervision.”

 

“That’s talking heads for you Dean, you know how the staff feels about you, have there been any significant changes there?”

 

“Actually some very positive changes. They are more for us now than ever before. Gives us hope.” Sam told the doc. “The charge nurse cornered me the other day…”

:

:

:

“Is it true what I’m reading?” Sara asked.

 

“What have you been reading?” Sam asked.

 

“That you and Dean are gay.” Sara replied sternly.

 

“Is that a problem?” Sam asked. 

 

Her face broke into an immediate grin. “Not at all glad to hear it actually, I’ve got a nephew who’s gay and he’s a helluva lot more caring man than some I know that are straight.”

:

:

:

“So generally the opinion from staff has been positive.” Carriggan stated. “That’s good, but you need to get out in front of these nay sayers and quieten the hubbub. May I suggest you giving the newspaper an interview?”

 

“Already done,” Dean responded. “It should be in today’s edition of the Standard.” 

 

“Well I haven’t seen the newspaper yet so. Wait one.” He stood and walked out of his room and went down the hall to his office. After a minute he came back newspaper in hand. “Front page, above the fold. “Local Volunteer Organization Quells Rumors” is the title line on it. Give me a moment.” After a few minutes he passed the paper to them. “They did an excellent job clarifying the misinformation that’s been published.”

 

After a minute Sam and Dean set the paper aside looking massively relieved. “At last somebody who got it right.” Dean said hugging Sam close.

 

“So you can relax a while now.” Carriggan advised.

 

“Not really, now we really need to keep up our guard and prepare for more publicity and more work done. KRTV wants to come and do a video shot to go along with a similar story. We gotta get permission from the hospital and patients parents first.” Dean answered.

 

“So I’ve already asked this before I’ll ask again. How is this affecting life at home?”

 

Sam took the question, “It’s caused a little stress, there’s no denying that. We’ve had some sleepless nights. And quite a few upset days. But we have a good support team behind us and they check in on us all the time.” 

 

“Plans?” Carriggan asked.

 

“This afternoon we’re meeting with our realtor who is going to take us to see three homes she’s picked out that she thinks will suit. Hopefully one of them will be the one.” Dean said.

 

“I hope so too for you both. You’ve been doing great even with all the added stress.” Then Carriggan asked. “Are you a little more relaxed now?”

 

Dean nodded as did Sam, “It’s pretty much a positive experience to come here.” Sam told him.

 

“We just have piled on the bullshit instead of letting it go like we should have in the first place.” Dean admitted.

 

“Now we come to the meat of the meeting. You’re about to embark on parenthood, I understand you are considering going across state lines to New York to get married, how has all this affected your relationship on the cellular level?”

 

“You mean really deep down?” Dean asked and with a nod of the doc’s head Dean continued. “It took a while to convince me about the children thing. I admit I was bolting at that idea mainly because of the enormity of the responsibility to us that it would place. It took Sam really working with me and calming me down to accept it. But I have and well I feel better for it.”

 

“Sam?”

 

“I was nervous at first, like Dean said a child is an enormous responsibility, and I was sort of half and half sure I was mature enough to handle that. It’s going to mean some drastic changes in our life but I’m sure we can do this.” Sam echoed.

 

“Okay homework, go house hunting but look for a house that FEELS right, you’ll know it when you step across the threshold. Take your time in this and if you don’t find something by the time of our next appointment don’t fret, take...your...time.” He reiterated strongly. 

 

“Ok we go house hunting, anything else?” Sam asked.

 

“Just have a good time, bring me back some positive news, and come in with a positive attitude and a means to be on the way through recovery.”

 

“I think we can do that.” Dean said smiling.

 

“Go look at some houses guys! Good luck on that!” Carriggan said as he ushered them to the door.


	51. Chapter 51

The two weeks between appointments seemed to drag for them even with the house hunting. They met at Carriggan’s office on a work day for a 30 minute Lunch consult. He took them in quickly.

 

“This is unusual.”

 

“We’ve never been faced with this prospect, we have two houses on the market which suits our needs, both in our price range but now the nerve aspect has been cranked up a notch.” Dean answered.

 

“What’s wrong?” Carriggan asked.

 

“One’s in a homeowner’s association block that welcomes us, while the other group is like, woo you’re lepers get away.” Sam said.

 

“Unfortunately you knew that there would be this type of mentality out there.”

 

“Yeah but they have someone tracking us.” Dean said.

 

“You sure about that?” Carriggan asked calmly.

 

“Look doc, I know you think I’m paranoid, but my hunter sense is still real strong and I know a tail when I see one.” Dean said defiantly.

 

“You might be best served with having the police intervene into this matter. They tend to take a dim view to stalkers around here.”

 

“We’re not worried.” Sam admitted. “But what if there is a group out there that hates enough to track our people, to track us in the hopes of doing harm?”

 

“First do me a favour and calm down a little.” Carriggan started. “Now I don’t think you’re exhibiting signs of being paranoid. Worried, yes, justifiably so it would seem. This isn’t going to help your move; I would advise that wherever you move to have a security system in place.”

 

“Already got that took care of, us and Smith & Wesson.” Dean said stubbornly.

 

“But something’s got you disturbed otherwise you wouldn’t have called a meeting like this.” Carriggan quoted.

 

“It’s something for a later appointment I think.” Sam said morosely.

 

“What’s wrong?” Carriggan asked.

 

“With all the news coverage that we’ve been getting the surrogate mother backed out of the deal.” Dean said.

 

Carriggan gave each of them a look. “Can you get an extra half hour you think?”

 

Dean shrugged and got up to make a call while Sam pulled out his phone and dialed. After a moment they were cleared for another hour each.

 

“I know how upset you must be over this.” Carriggan started. “My wife and I have tried four times before we were successful. It’s hard. We had to deal with 4 miscarriages, so we can commiserate.”

 

Sam looked up miserably. “It’s a life that didn’t even have a chance from the beginning. They froze the sperm samples in the event we’re second time lucky. But now I’m beginning to wonder about the whole thing.” 

 

“Don’t give up!” Carriggan stated firmly.

 

Dean in the meantime was working on his brave face while Sam was making no pretense he was patently miserable.

 

“We didn’t even get out of the gate with this one.” Dean said stoically.

 

“Try again!” Carriggan said.

 

“What if we’re poison now in the community?” Sam said his voice thick.

 

“OK, so your poison, that doesn’t make you bad people, and the opinion is yours alone. You have to be firm in your assessment. You initially were determined to be parents. You wanted your own child so much you were willing to have a surrogate mother act in your stead. You’re now backtracking?” 

 

Sam said nothing but turned away from the doctor. Dean reached out and enveloped him in a hug.

 

“We were so close.” Sam muttered.

 

“Yeah Sammy we were…but let’s try again. Find someone stronger even a lesbian maybe?” Dean said firmly.

 

“I’m sorry to be like this Dean.” Sam stammered his voice in tears and ragged now.

 

“You got every right to be upset, I’m pissed off too. I was looking forward to changing diapers again.” He said trying to lighten the moment. Sam laughed through his tears and pulled himself together. 

 

“You’d think I was the one pregnant from the way I’m acting.” Sam muttered.

 

“No comment.” Dean said smiling at him. They turned slowly to face the doctor with desperation on their faces. “Can you help us doc?” Dean asked.

 

“Help you what?” Carriggan asked confused.

 

“Help us find a surrogate?” Dean asked.

 

Doc Carriggan sat back for a moment totally dumbfounded and then after a few moments thought nodded slowly. “I will give this what attention I can and help you any way I can.” He said firmly.

Sam smiled as if a new birth mother was already picked. 

 

“But I do this on my schedule. I can’t interrupt the normal flow of business.” 

 

“No Doc! Absolutely, we understand, just you know look into some groups and get us some opinions. Please.” Dean begged.

 

Carriggan nodded and then noting the time looked at them. You’ve got a half hour left, there is a hot dog vendor on the next corner I highly recommend. Get the monster dog. You won’t regret it.” Carriggan said as they left.

 

Closing the door he rolled his eyes heavenward and asked for guidance.

 

“Doctor?” Castiel said appearing in the room.

 

“You know.” Carriggan said without introduction of the topic.

 

“Yes, I grieve with them over their loss, it was however quite literally never meant to be.” Castiel said dispassionately.

 

“Are they meant to have a child?” Carriggan asked.

 

“They are meant to love the children they have.” Castiel said solemnly.

 

“But never to have one of their own?” Carriggan asked again sadly.

 

“That remains to be seen.” Castiel replied.

 

“Can you not give a straight answer on this question?” Carriggan asked.

 

“I am not answerable to you, nor beholden to you; however, for civilities sake I will tell you that the possibility of their having a child of their own is growing stronger.” Castel said then vanished.

 

Two weeks passed and once again Dean and Sam were waiting in their usual spot in the office suites waiting room. When they were called back they once again went through the triage to check their blood pressure then were released to the consulting room where they found Dr. Carriggan sitting on the credenza entering a few quick notes into his laptop. He smiled as they entered and closed the computer.

 

He looked at them with interest for a moment as he could see that something had significantly changed in their demeanour. There was an anticipation there now.

 

“How is the house hunting going?” He asked off handedly.

 

“We think we may have found the clincher.” Dean started. “It’s a four bedroom rancher on this side of town actually. It’s in one of the subdivisions between Oxford and Brainerd roads.”

 

“And how is the search for a surrogate mom coming along?” Carriggan asked neatly. 

 

“It could definitely be better.” Dean admitted “The agency is coming a dry well for us at the moment. It seems that to some we are bad news.”

 

Carriggan shook his head in wonder. “Have you tried a higher agency that the local ones?” He asked cryptically.

 

“Higher as in what?” Sam asked starting to see a picture forming.

 

“Castiel maybe?” Carriggan tried.

 

Dean shook his head as did Sam. “We’re afraid to ask, this may be out of his parameters.”

 

“You don’t know until you ask.” A sardonic reply answered his unspoken question. They turned and saw their angelic friend standing there in the rumpled suit and trench coat he seemed to have as a trademark image for them.

 

“Cas, we’re already bending some old testament rules by just being together like we are, the idea of us fathering a child…” Sam said.

 

“Is not unheard of…Ruth wanted to mother a child before she met up with Boaz, you’re lacking in faith to ask.” Castiel replied.

 

“Is it possible?” Dean asked.

 

“It is, however…” Castiel started and Dean interrupted.

 

“I knew there was a catch!”

 

“However, you’re not well…you’re not ready for this yet.” Castiel said sadly. He walked around and stood in front of them.

 

“What do you mean ‘we not ready for this yet?’” Dean asked dangerously angry.

 

“Calm down Dean, it’s not a slight on you, but rather it’s a test on Sam. You see Dean you’ve been tried by fire and catastrophe and come out superior. Sam had been tested as being your support but nothing’s happened to him yet.”

 

“Why do I have this sick feeling that’s about to change?” Sam said turning a shade pale. 

 

“I humbly beg your pardon doctor but this next part is for Sam and Dean’s ears alone.” Suddenly it seemed as if the air compressed around Carriggan’s ears and he was rendered deaf.

 

“You fought a tremendous battle with Lucifer, your soul was practically flayed. Sam your time for testing with this is coming. You are a gentle soul, now the Lord God wants to see the strength of your soul.”

 

“Hasn’t that happened enough with the deal with Ruby and how I came through that, the deal with the apocalypse that we started and ended, and God knows what else. What else do I need to prove?”

“Sam, not even I am given privilege into that information.” Castiel said tiredly. “I wish that I had better news to deliver, but I am afraid that at the present time that is the best that I can do.”

 

“Thanks Cas, that’ll help a little.” Sam replied.

 

“I’ll see what other news I can discover.” Castiel said disappearing. 

 

“Sammy I don’t like this.” Dean said flatly.

 

“Neither do I, whatever, this Castiel is doing it sounds like its placing you both at a juncture for disaster.” Carriggan mentioned.

 

“That’s usual for us, I just don’t like the idea of Sam being tested again.”

 

“You mean like the time he fought Lucifer.” Carriggan said quietly. “I can read lips and evidently he is using me as an antennae to finding you, I’m not all cracked up about that.”

 

Sam and Dean sat there stunned for a brief moment. “I’m sorry we brought you into this mess.” Sam said. 

 

“Don’t be; just explain to me what I can do to help.” Carriggan asked.

 

“Not a whole hell of a lot. Most of what is left to be done we gotta do.” 

 

“Ok, at least explain in detail what he meant. I at least deserve that much trust.” 

 

“You already know the largest part, of Sam, me, vessels for Michael and Lucifer,” the fall, and the saving then the resouling. It’s not a pretty picture. But I don’t understand what Sam has to suffer as part of a test.” 

 

“This is giving me a whole different perspective of angels.” Carriggan said.

 

“They’re basically dicks.” Dean said sighing. 

 

They stood, “We need to go, we have kids night tonight over at St. Joe’s and that’s one we never miss.”

 

Leaving they went home and changed into their play clothes and then had dinner in town going from there over to the hospital. There was a new face on the ward, so they were introduced to Thomas. Thomas was an unusually hard case that Sam was determined to work with as Dean had practically given up. There was something there, then they managed to uncover Thomas’ file. He came from an abusive home. He was in the system now. He had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and was actually doing quite well with the occasional bouts such as what he was experiencing now which was probably the worst bout. He stayed in his bed, he wouldn’t mix with the others, he would talk to the others, in fact the only ones he talked to were adults and his answers were clipped and his eyes huge. He was smart and had a quick mind so Dean immediately latched on to try and help him. He cringed in terror from Dean’s presence and left it no question in his mind where he stood. 

 

So Sam had taken to sitting with him for a while each evening not anxiously talking with him. Sam would sit at the foot of the bed colouring in a book while Thomas would stay scrunched up at his end of the bed colouring. 

 

Eventually though Thomas’ curiosity won out and he leaned up once to see what Sam was colouring. It was a giraffe and he was purposefully colouring it purple. That got a smile and a repressed giggle out of Thomas. Sam cut his eyes quickly to him and grinned then went back to colouring. Progress was slow but it was eventful until finally Thomas crawled down to the end of the bed to watch Sam colour. 

 

“Some grownups can be real meanies can’t they?” Sam asked softly. 

 

Thomas nodded solemnly.

 

“Have they been mean to you here?” Sam asked.

 

He shook his head. 

 

“It hurts sometimes doesn’t it? Hurt s real bad like you wanna scream out for it to stop.”

 

He nodded now Sam could see tears on the young boys face. 

 

“Are you afraid of me?” Sam asked peacefully.

 

There was a slow quiet shake of his head.

 

“Wanna hug, a real hug?” All the time Sam was colouring his demeanour completely relaxed and peaceful.

 

There was a tentative nod.

 

Sam put his crayon down smiling at him now looking him in the face for longer that a moment. His eyes were bright with tears as well. Thomas scooted down into Sam’s now outstretched arms. He flinched at first at the touch, but then perceiving no malice he relaxed more. Sam let his arms slowly embrace the boy and in moments Thomas was leaning into his shoulder sobbing. Sam held him and let him cry then finally Sam gently stood scooping up Thomas and hugging him all the while and together they sat down on his bed.

 

Thomas pulled back finally and in a soft, more normal voice asked. “You’re crying too…why?”

 

“Because sometimes when my daddy would get upset he would hit me too.” Sam admitted. “Oh, he was sorry for it later, but he still hit me.”

 

“I can’t forget it, I want to, I want it to go away, but it won’t.” Thomas admitted his voice broken and trembling. “Then the government man and woman came and took me away from them.”

 

Sam just sat there for the longest while just holding him, cradling him and letting him be a little boy again. Soon he began to get drowsy so Sam laid him down and tucked him in carefully, then hugged him gently and gave him a good night kiss as he fell asleep a small smile creasing his lips, his brow unfurrowed now with distress. He turned around and saw an official looking couple standing at the nurse’s station. He walked up to them. 

 

“If I hadn’t seen I would never have believed it.” The woman spoke. She was a lithe, African American woman with a smiling face; the other was a smiling young man. “I’m Dr. Juanita Cordle, the child psychologist brought in by Family and Children Services; this is my colleague Dr. Jordan Dash.” She pulled him aside. “We been working on him for a month now and get responses but they are harsh and fear filled. We’ve been going slowly with him, what did you do?”

 

So Sam explained the colouring book technique and how he was soon getting curious in what Sam was doing. She slapped her forehead silently. “Well we tried everything else but that. We were getting desperate. Do you know the family situation he comes from?” She asked.

 

“Only that he was abused then put in the system by court order.” Sam remarked. “We’re volunteers they don’t tell us much.” He said.

 

“Bullshit, I’ve seen the news splashes about the Angels.” Dash said. “That child was physically and mentally abused we’re not sure for how long, but we know that both parents are culpable in this and both are being charged.” 

 

“Would you mind if I worked on building a trust between me and Thomas?” Sam asked.

 

“If you can help go for it we’ll sit in the wings and watch and step in when he’s comfortable enough. “ They looked over at him curled into a fetal position his thumb jammed into his mouth as he slept. 

 

“I’ll work with him a little more and see what I can do tonight.” 

 

“He’s sleeping though.” Dr. Cordle said.

 

“It’s a tense sleep; let me try to relax him some.” Sam said and he walked back over to the bed and sat down by the head softly stroking the silky fine black hair that covered his head thickly. He woke with a start and then saw it was just Sam so he started to relax. “You know if you stretch out on the bed you won’t wake up so tired.” Sam told him quietly and he slowly uncurled about halfway. That half was good enough for Sam. He smiled in triumph then brushing the hair back from his forehead he leaned in and gave him a kiss. His sleepy eyes opened a moment more then closed as he was well and truly asleep. 

 

Sam sat there for a moment marveling at the resiliency of children through the toughest of times. This handsome young boy would now have a chance and Dean and Sam would be there in the early stages to help get him started. That thought brought a touch of pride and tears as well. He remembered his childhood, his father’s drunken bouts and what it had cost Dean and himself. There was a great deal of pain in so many lives that perhaps this birth they were seeking would ease some of that. At least it would give them a totally positive focus. As it was after a short discussion with the doctors Sam agreed to introduce them to Thomas in a positive non threatening manner. 

 

The following night Sam and Dean were back and met Drs. Cordle and Dash in the hallway. Dean went on in and was swamped by the children. Sam went in and was equally taken in with hugs. Thomas in the mean time stayed in his bed but looked at them interestedly. Sam got everyone settled that he would be back with them when he walked over to Thomas’ bed with a big grin. 

 

“You’re awake, jeez I thought last night when you conked out you’d still be asleep.” Sam said playfully. Thomas smiled shyly. 

 

“I did sleep a long time last night. And I got up to go potty.” He said proudly as bedwetting had been a side effect of his treatment. “I still a’ scared of some of them.”

 

“Well I was talking with a couple of people who were sent to help you. No one else, but just you. That makes you extra special.” He motioned Cordle and Dash over and they took seats at the foot of the bed. “They’re doctors, real ones, but they won’t give you a shot, they’re doctors that can help out our thinking caps.” Sam said smiling still. “Now here’s the deal, you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to, but I’m not going to leave your side either, I’ll be right here with you and you can even hold my hand if it’ll help.

 

Thomas reached out like grabbing a lifeline and hugged Sam’s hand and wrist securely. Then the doctors started their therapy at the end of which, Thomas was still holding onto Sam’s arm like a life preserver, but he was also loosening up enough to answer some of their questions, even the silly ones which made him giggle a little. The three adults looked at each other as if smelling a triumph. They promised to come back and visit again and they would sit just like they were and if he wanted Unca Sam could stay with him. He agreed hesitantly. Then the Doctor’s got up and waved as they left. Thomas waved shyly in return. He slowly eased his grip on Sam’s arm and looked sheepish as well. 

 

“Sorry about that.” He apologized.

 

“Don’t be. That’s what I’m here for, I’m not much but at least I can be someone you can hold on to if things are rough.”

 

“But you can’t be here all the time.” He said plaintively.

 

“No, I can’t and that’s when you’re gonna have to be an especially brave boy. We managed to rescue someone else.” Sam said smiling as he reached into a bag at his feet. He straightened up and brought out a worn teddy bear. Thomas’ eyes brightened and he held out arms Sam gave him the teddy. He cuddled it strongly and suddenly looked a little more reassured. “We talked to the people who came to rescue you and they agreed that we could bring one of your stuffed animals from your bedroom. This little guy looks like he was the most loved.”

 

“Benson’s my bestest friend.” Thomas said. “Thank you Unca Sam.” He said and Sam bent into a hug from him as well.

 

“As long as he makes you smile, that makes me happy.” Sam said smiling now as well. “Do you want to come down with me for story time? You can sit in my lap if you want.”

 

“Do I have to?” He asked fearfully.

 

“No!” Sam said worriedly. “No, you don’t have to do anything like that.”

 

“Ok, maybe later, right now me and Benson need to talk.”

 

“I tell you what. I’ll leave you two to talk and have a good time, and I’ll go over there, I won’t be far. But Thomas…”

 

“Call me Tommy please?” He asked. 

 

“Sure Tommy. The nurses and doctors are here to help you too, they may seem scary at first, but you got my promise that they won’t hurt you.”

 

“Needles hurt.” Thomas said.

 

“Yeah, you got me there. Needles do hurt, okay we’ll leave needles out of this. Do they have to stick you with a needle when they are treating you for the Hodgkin’s?” Sam asked.

 

“Uh huh, they use a big needle but it only stings when they put it in.”

 

“Well, a little sting isn’t too bad if it keeps the monster away.” Sam said with a smile. Thomas nodded. “You and Benson have a good talk.” The two sat there in bed as Sam walked away to be with Dean, when they left Thomas was curled up with Benson but was not in as tight of a fetal pose as he had been previously. Thus the walls around Thomas started to slowly crumble and the new Thomas could shine forth.

 

As a sort of postscript to that chapter in Sam and Dean’s life, it came to pass that the state did not have to question Thomas or interview him. His multiple emergency room visits and soon, security camera video footage in their apartment complex, caught enough damning evidence to have the boy awarded as a ward of the state, he would stay in the hospital until a suitable group of foster parents could be located.

 

They were on hand as well when Tommy’s new foster parents showed up on the scene. They were a kindly enough looking pair and after the same type of introduction and some more work he was willing to give them a chance.

 

:

:

:

TIME LEAP 9 months

:

:

:

 

Dean and Sam stood in the maternity wing of the hospital waiting. They wanted a first look at the sons. Fraternal twins it would appear. They were both still in astonishment that they were able to find a birth mother so quickly after being shot down once. But they found a birth mother who was one half of a very loving lesbian couple. They made a deal that they have two eggs implanted one would remain with them as their son the other of course would be Dean and Sam’s. 

 

It was a hard decision to have to make in the end they did a little settled and had two eggs implanted or so they thought until the first ultrasound came back revealing triplets. The young couple weren’t prepared for twins much less triplets and Sam and Dean were only too glad to take on the responsibility. Soon they were ushered back into a room where three cribs were arranged, holding three tiny lives. 

 

The partner of the birth mother was with them and she was ooing over them as well. They shared tears of joy and then each got to hold one of the tiny infants. Three boys, all light haired sort of between Sam and Dean’s in colouring, but one boy with Dean’s obvious angry streak and another with more calm than was right for a baby to have. They knew they’d triples two fertilized by Dean and one by Sam and with all the trademark features of healthy infants. Good lungs, a good grip on the fingers and quick to adapt to the sucking mechanism and were soon on their way back to the land of nod as they slept content.

 

It was a wrench to put them back in the cribs but they managed then Dean neatly pushed the one little crib towards the woman. “Your son I believe.”

 

She squealed in delight and grabbed him in a tight hug bursting into tears. After several minutes Jeannette, the partner looked at him through tear streaked eyes. “We were certain there would be a fight on about this issue.”

 

“Give us guys a break, not all men are pigs.” He said giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Congratulations Mom.” 

 

“Oh my God, wait till I tell Diane.” Then looking at the nurse. “How is Diane?” 

 

“Getting cleaned up now. We’ll have her back to her room in about an hour.” They stood then looking at the new lives and marveling at how much they’d come through to get to this point. 

 

Dean looked at Sam with fatherly pride which Sam returned and they heard a clearing of a throat to see that Bobby was admitted back to the wing as well. He walked over ignoring Dean and Sam and took a look at the little lives in the bassinets before they were whisked away. They led Bobby to one of the many family rooms where a double bed was installed along with a couch and arm chair. 

 

“So you boys got twins. God help ya.” He said his eyes slightly watery. “They’re good looking and that little un with the lungs gotta be yours Dean.”

 

“Probably,” Dean started. “But hold up a minute old man, it’s not just us that’s got twins grandpa.” 

 

“Aw shit, shut that stuff.” Bobby said gruffly though they could see him swell with pride.

 

There was for Sam a hunt that nearly claimed his life as he exorcised a person claimed by seven demons. As it was, he was in the hospital ICU for three days on the ragged edge. Surviving that and his share of the maternal hormonal fairy that decided to pay him a visit as well. He, Dean, Diane, and Jeannette became fast friends after the deal was struck and the womb impregnated. 

 

It was a glad day those three months later that Dean and Sam were alone in their new home with the babies secure in their cribs asleep. They did in fact do a DNA testing of the babies they had and did determine they had one from each contributor, Castiel mentioned that someone higher up may have helped design that good fortune. They still maintained their appointment schedule with Dr. Carriggan but were on three months intervals and were not expected back until July. Although it was Doctor & Mrs Carriggan who got one of the first calls to let them know they were fathers. They passed the information around and soon the house was bustling with a welcome home party for Jacob Micah and Joshua Tyler Winchester. 

 

The celebration didn’ t cease for them for a month or three, they were an insanely happy family unit and on their first trip back to Dr. Carriggan’s had the babies in their carriers which caused a bit of a stir in the waiting room with the mothers who looked on in that maternal love only a mother or a father can have.

 

In the consulting room, Josh and Jake slept in their carriers with full tummies and snuggled down. 

 

“It’s wonderful to see you both looking so complete now.” Carriggan noted.

 

“Complete?” Dean asked puzzled.

 

“Yes, before these two you were missing something, something that was vital and we just couldn’t tell what, now you are blessed with two sons who are strong and healthy and as vibrant as their parents. So tell me you’ve been parents for three months now, how is that treating you?”

 

“Wonderful, I loved the three o’clock feedings.” Sam said Dean had to echo it.

 

“It gets hard some nights but it’s worth it to snuggle with them in bed feeding them then all of us falling asleep in the same bed.” Dean said with a grin.

 

“And we get to see how Michael is doing now and then when Jean and Diane bring him by to visit his brothers.”

 

“So what have you decided about that?” Carriggan asked.

 

“We’ll raise them as close friends, but not reveal the blood relationship unless asked.” Dean commented. 

 

“We’re also not going to raise them hiding out relationship or our love for each other.” Sam said defiantly. “We got a wonderful day care service in that Bobby has moved in with us finally. We lucked out finding that four bedroom rancher and is in our price range. So yeah, things are going wonderfully well for us right now.” 

 

Carriggan was grinning broadly. “That’s good to hear. And I don’t want you to estrange yourselves, you have my number so you can call if there’s a need, for now I’m going to keep you on three month checkups and we’ll go from there. But I’d say you both are a little more than all right. These children are lucky to have two daddies like you two.”

 

“Thanks.” Dean said a little embarrassed. 

 

 

EPILOGUE

 

June 19, 2016

 

“Jake, you’re not holding your gun right again.”

 

“Aw daddy it’s just a water pistol. Not a big boys gun like you and papa have .” Four year old Jacob said as he chased his brother around the backyard of the house. Dean, Sam, and Bobby sat there eyeing the rambunctious children that were all over with them for the birthday party and water contest. Bobby looked over at them grinning.

 

“What?” Dean asked.

 

“Never thought I’d see the day I’d been so proud.”

 

“You got some neat grandkids out there.” Sam said

 

“Shut up, you’re gonna get me going mushy again.” Bobby said.

 

“I’m just getting over that they’re 5 today. It’s unreal.” Dean wondered aloud.

 

Sam reached over and took Dean’s hand. “We did good old man.” Sam said fondly.

 

“I got yer old man.” Dean shot back pleased.

 

“Not until Pawpaw, Jake and Josh are asleep you don’t.” Sam returned for Dean’s ears only.

 

“Would you two shut up, I wanna watch the kids play some more.” Bobby said lifting a video camera and shooting some more footage of a new generation and two of them children who may never know the fear of the hunt but will be prepared all the same. Yes, the men sat by proud of this group of kids, but especially proud of two tousle headed, brown and blonde haired, green and hazel eyed, heartbreakers to be, running around without any cares at all except for running out of water in their pistols.

 

~Fini~


End file.
